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Nhật ký tuổi 30

Chủ đề trong 'Tâm sự' bởi funtasia, 11/06/2006.

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  1. funtasia

    funtasia Thành viên mới

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    Hot gossip: I bumped into Cau Am at a work-related function tonight. I was so glad to see him in town. We sat next to each other at a boring table so we chatted on and on. At one point, he asked ?oI heard that you and [Pen Friend] are an item...??. I must have responded with an ?ooh, I didn?Tt realise that is still news to you? look, while confirming something along that line. He gave me a strange look. Later on we went out for some more drinks, and after a few glasses of wine, he got a little sentimental, started quizzing me about why I didn?Tt call him, how he thought I was sending him mixed signals when he suggested drinks and I couldn?Tt make it, how he got buried in mountains of work and stress, etc. etc. I kinda knew what he meant, but didn?Tt quite believe it. So at one point I blurted out ?oare you saying what I think you are saying, that you meant to ask me out and didn?Tt for the above reasons?? And he gave me that strange look again.
    And I thought to myself, this is unbelievable! After all, we have known each other for over three years by now. After all, between the two of us, I am the imperfect one, while he has the whole checklist: humour, confidence, charisma, brains, wealth, even looks. After all, he is a guy, not me. After all, he is the one that is surrounded by all these models and is stalked by (female!) fans. After all, he is a minor celebrity and I am sure he knows it. Indeed, it is rare to meet him at this slightly serious reception tonight, and that?Ts why all the women in the room let him sit the entire evening with a bespectacled oldie. So why on earth was he waiting for me to make the move?
    I, on the other hand, had wondered for a long while if he is busy having too much fun with the supermodels who are always in one act of impressing him or another wherever I met him. Our chats at receptions or parties or even at hotel lobbies are always interrupted by a female friend of some sort. He is super super busy, but everyone I know is busy, and they priotise their time. He is not shy (if not to say the opposite) and we cross path from time to time. If he has any modicum of interest in me, he could have done something about it, easy. So two years ago I came to a sad conclusion that he might be unavailable with a secret girlfriend somewhere that his parents disapprove of, he is otherwise gay and in closet, etc, or he may be plainly just not that into me. That is disappointing, but it shocked me out of my illusions and helped me move on from that crush.
    So now, these looks are puzzling. What does this all mean? To give him benefit of the doubts, perhaps he has been in Vietnam for too long? With all due respect, I think the guys here are all spoiled. At least the few remaining eligible bachelors are. They are surrounded by beautiful Vietnamese women, who are eager and somewhat aggressive in chasing after them. It?Ts the sort of aggressiveness that I can?Tt deal with, and I tend to drop out of the race if there is one, as I made a mental note long ago never to pursue a guy who is not into me. Anyway, it is still puzzling to me: is it true he really forgot that guys are supposed to be hunters? How can he look me in the eyes with that silent accusation as though it was my fault we didn?Tt ?odatê?? I thought I showed him enough interest that my forehead screamed ?ogreen lights? whenever we met!!!
    Now, my feelings are gone, and I am as merciless as can be. So I am also thinking maybe he is being competitive/childish, and he is making this all up to see what my reaction is. Maybe Pen Friend hired him to test me, in which case I should be careful . Maybe he is just drunk and feeling low tonight, or maybe he has just been out of a relationship and is on the rebound, who knows. Truth is, two years ago I must have been shocked into insomnia to hear all this while hanging out with him all by myself. But now I care much less. He is still a great guy, but I am no longer interested. The kaleidoscope has been put away. My interest in him is gone. As far as I am concerned, he is just a good buddy to hang out or gossip with.
    So, anyway, I made sure he was drunk enough he wouldn?Tt remember any of the conversation tonight. I would try not to run into him again any time soon, just to be sure. Maybe I should read this again tomorrow and see what the moral of the story is. But that?Ts about all excitement I?Tll have with this gossip I?Tm afraid.
    Được funtasia sửa chữa / chuyển vào 11:12 ngày 30/11/2007
  2. cathymoonn

    cathymoonn Thành viên mới

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    em còn 8 năm nữa cơ!!!ở tuổi 30 e sẽ thay đội như thế nào nhỉ.....em vẫn chưa hình dung ra....
  3. EscadaMisa

    EscadaMisa Thành viên mới

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    I have 7 years to go before becoming a 30 something.
    Yet, I cannot imagine how I will be by those days. Currently, I am so stressful with a bunch of worries, responsibilities, future uncertainties, etc....
    Finding a good and emotionally healthy place to work is still a big concern. Time is flying...
    I was given opportunities to be outstanding but I wasted them. Now I am paying for the whole **** while facing expectations from my friends, my family and more importantly, from me myself...
    I was really left behind...
    Sigh....
    Sometimes I wish if only I were a little more intelligent, more decisive, more dynamic, more...and more.......
  4. funtasia

    funtasia Thành viên mới

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    A female friend told me yesterday that Pen Friend had been e-mailing her, and, in her half joking way, added that it seemed as though Pen Friend was trying to chat her up, and that I should watch out. I was taken aback by her comments, so I relayed it to Pen Friend. He was shocked and said he was just keeping an open dialogue so that if he needs information relevant to his work he could ask her without having to go through me, and that he was just being friendly. Wê?Tve been hanging out with her, he thought shê?Ts a common friend, and that it was ok to e-mail her with that tone. Feeling utterly confused, he asked me to dissect his e-mails to her with him. And I must agree with him, he was being friendly and appropriate. If I were to receive the e-mails, I wouldn?Tt have thought he was trying to use work as a pretext to flirt with me.
    So where did it come from? Did she make it all up? Shê?Ts a young attractive girl, in her late 20s, single, and has never had an official boyfriend. Shê?Ts a work contact/friend who I got to know and to whom I became close after a long-winded project. When Pen Friend came I thought it?Td be useful for him to know people in the business, so we hanged out with her regularly.
    My friendship with this girl has been somewhat peculiar, but I?Tll explain that in another post. The upshot is, generally, I consider her pretty, young and attractive. But somehow, she has never had a proper relationship in her life, or so she told me. It seems that many people pursue her, and that she has been infatuated with a few boys in the past. In terms of character, deep down inside she is an introvert, but she is outgoing, smart, and is extremely competitive (again, on competitiveness in general, I?Tll need a separate post altogether).
    Shê?Ts also a conqueror by nature. I?Tve seen how she is rather flirty with boys (in her own way, which in my view borders on being appropriate and being a little forward), even if they are married or otherwise unavailable. I don?Tt think she does that on purpose; rather, I think she does so unconsciously. The problem is that in almost all cases she would immediately lose her interest once the guys show any sign that they are attracted to her (reasons given include: ?ohe became a borê?, and ?owe did not have much in common?, etc. etc.). Since I got to know her, I have jokingly told her more than once that she should re-focus her charm, try to tempt the one guy she finds irresistible and not to spend her energy all over the map like that. But it does not seem to work, yet.
    On this topic, personally, I treat all guys as gay (read ?o not availablê?) if they are either (a) openly pursuing other girls, (b) in a relationship, or (c) married. As there are many fishes in the sea, I consider it a losing game to try to conquer someone who is unavailable. Usually, if a guy is married or in a relationship, I am friends with both him and his girlfriend/wife. It would take a lot for me to think they try to chat me up, and I would try to put them back to where they belong if that was the case, or silently disengage if my efforts to do so are in vain.
    But everyone has their own way of interpreting things and dealing with friends?T significant others. So now I suddenly find myself in this awkward situation, with this friend thinking Pen Friend is another guy down in her list, and with my own interest on the line (plus knowing how competitive she is), I don?Tt think I could turn around to tell her ?ooh no, actually he does not fancy you, he just wants to be in the loops on the resorts you are doing off the coast, wake up, my dear?. I am slightly annoyed with the whole thing, and with Pen Friend being relatively clueless on social etiquettes around here, I don?Tt know if there is much I can do about his new ?oreputation? of being inappropriate around my friends. Perhaps one thing he could do is to wait till she responds to his last e-mail, and gently tell her that he wants to be in the loop work-wise and end things on that note. And another thing is maybe our antenna should be up next time we are around those fierce conquerors.
    Hmm, why does life have to be so complicated??!!
    Được FUNTASIA sửa chữa / chuyển vào 17:22 ngày 10/12/2007
  5. funtasia

    funtasia Thành viên mới

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    Thế nào thì gọi là "tâm đầu ý hợp" nhỉ? Khác biệt như thế nào thì là quá tệ, mà thế nào thì là chấp nhận được nhỉ? Mình và Pen Friend có những suy nghĩ giống nhau đến kỳ lạ, nhưng cũng có những khác biệt đến mức khó tin. Ví dụ như, hắn không hề quan tâm một chút gì đến thơ ca, tiểu thuyết, và coi những cái đó là vô bổ và lãng phí thời gian. Còn mình thì cũng đã cố gắng đọc những quyển sách hắn hay đọc, và chuwa bao giờ có đủ kiên nhẫn hay hứng thú để đọc đến hết cuốn (kiểu sách như Daniel Coleman hay Daniel Gilbert hay viết, tâm lý xã hội học, đại loại như vậy). Đôi khi, như hôm nay, mình cảm thấy, nếu không nói về công việc của hắn, nói về những vấn đề đau đầu liên quan đến công việc, thì không biết hai đứa sẽ nói chuyện gì nhỉ?
    Có lẽ mình hợp với kiểu tình yêu xa xôi cách trở, vài hôm nữa chắc lại thử đi công tác xem sao, về lại thành phố sẽ lại thấy háo hức nói chuyện với Pen Friend, tranh nhau nói là đằng khác
  6. Thefuneral

    Thefuneral Thành viên mới

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    Tôi có 7 năm để phấn đấu .
    Tôi có 7 năm để hủy hoại .
    Tôi có 7 năm để nhìn thấy sự gục ngã ...........tôi sẽ bước qua tuổi 30 như vậy
  7. funtasia

    funtasia Thành viên mới

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    Chain email that friends forwarded to my mailbox:
    QUOTE
    Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot. Who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisss your forehead. Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, " ...that''s her."
    UNQUOTE
    I had found someone like that. Wait, there was one, and then there was another. What a shame things did not work out with either of them. I don''t know if anyone like that is still available. It''s like trying to find fresh roses the day after Valentine''s Day...
  8. Ngbinhthuong

    Ngbinhthuong Thành viên mới

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    Chị à, một năm đã qua rồi. Nhìn lại một năm, hỏi xem mình đã làm được gì?
    Một năm - em đã lớn lên, trải nghiệm những điều mà trước đây em chưa từng biết đến. Và em cũng đã buồn những nỗi buồn trước đây em chưa từng biết đến. Em thu lại được nhiều thứ và đánh mất nhiều thứ. Sau tất cả, em ngẫm lại và càng thấy đúng rằng mình không bao giờ được phép đánh mất bản thân mình. Em đã biết học cách chấp nhận. Nhưng em đã đánh mất hy vọng và sự tươi mới của cái thời "lòng như khăn mới thêu".
    Cuộc sống luôn luôn vẫn là những trải nghiệm, cho đến già vẫn vậy.
    Feliz Navidad y Próspero Ano Nuevoan!
  9. funtasia

    funtasia Thành viên mới

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    Ừ nhỉ, một năm lại qua rồi, lại sắp thêm một tuổi nữa, sẽ là 32 đấy, không còn là 30 nữa. Một năm trôi qua, nhìn lại, lại chẳng thấy mình làm được gì nhiều, 12 tháng, 365 ngày, đã trôi về đâu rồi? Có lẽ cái hồi học được nhiều điều nhất là cái hồi đi học phổ thông. Và cái hồi mới lò dò ra nước ngoài. Còn bây giờ, mỗi năm một thấy cái mặt già đời hơn một chút. Chai sạn đi một chút. Chấp nhận buồn phiền một cách buông xuôi và dễ dàng hơn. Đến một lúc nào đó có lẽ sẽ không còn hi vọng, đến một ngày đặc biệt, với một người đặc biệt, sẽ cảm thấy "lòng như khăn mới thêu" nữa chăng? Nếu như thế thì đáng sợ quá.
    Lại nhớ lần đầu tiên có chuyện choáng về tình cảm, đó là khi anh bạn thân trong lớp vẽ, sau khoảng nửa năm tán tỉnh, đau khổ, buồn bã, và không được chấp nhận, quay ngay sang yêu một cô bạn rất thân cua chị ở lớp bên. Khi đó, cả ba bọn chị đều 18 tuổi. Về lý thuyết, họ là một cặp đẹp đôi, và chị cũng nghĩ, nếu mình không yêu anh ấy thì anh ấy đi yêu người khác cũng là lẽ tự nhiên. Nhưng tuổi đó cũng là cái tuổi mà có thể vì mến trộm thương thầm một anh bạn lớp trên mà lượn xe qua nhà anh ấy hàng ngày, trong hai năm liền, đến khi hắn đi du học thì thôi, cũng là cái hồi mà tình cảm tính bằng năm, tuổi thì ít, nên cảm thấy nó dài bẵng như một đời người. Vì thế cái sự thay đổi sau 6 tháng đó với chị khá là đáng choáng. Chị cảm thấy như choàng tỉnh sau một cơn mơ. Cái con người 6 tháng trước đây hái sạch hoa trong vườn nhà hắn tặng chị, mất ngủ hai đêm chỉ vì chị không đi xe chung với hắn khi đi tham quan, và khóc với một đứa em út trong nhóm chỉ vì chị nói "không" với hắn, bây giờ đã rất vui vẻ cầm tay cô bạn thân của chị đi dung dăng khắp phố. Lẽ nào có thể dễ dàng thế chăng?
    Bây giờ, hắn đã chia tay cô bạn thân của chị, đi qua dăm mối tình nữa, và vẫn lông bông như chị. Chị và hắn thì vẫn thân rất thân, và hai đứa cùng nói "may thế mà không lấy nhau". Hắn thì đã từng trải hơn, sợ những cô bạn gái phức tạp như chị, còn chị thì chắc chắn không chịu được cái đứa nông nổi hời hợt như hắn. Tuy có một điều, chị luôn biết ơn (và ghét) hắn đã là đứa đầu tiên dạy cho chị biết đến cái sự hời hợt và ham vui của bọn con trai, và biết rằng tình cảm của bọn con trai có thể rất sâu đậm ở một lúc nào đấy, nhưng lại không phải là bất biến. Nếu không muốn nói, trái lại là khác
    Còn bao nhiêu chuyện buồn, buồn hơn thế nữa, toàn là những chuyện xảy ra khi ở bên Sư Phụ. Đôi khi chị vẫn thấy ghét Sư Phụ đã làm cho chị chai sạn hơn, biết đến tất cả những nỗi buồn không đáy ở trong đời, cho chị biết thế nào là bị lừa dối, thế nào là mất lòng tin. Khi ở bên Sư Phụ, có những ngày thức dậy, hớn hở vài giây, rồi nhớ ra, ồ, cuộc sống vẫn buồn, mình đã mất niềm tin, mất hết rồi, làm thế nào để đi qua những chuỗi ngày này? Và thế là lại thấy lòng nặng trĩu, u ám, depressed. Cái nỗi niềm bất mãn với Sư Phụ kéo dài rất lâu, rất lâu. Và có lẽ cũng thật may là hai đứa không lấy nhau. Nếu lấy nhau có lẽ chị vẫn lôi những chuyện cũ đó ra làm khổ anh ấy, không cho phép anh ấy quên, làm khổ cả hai người.
    Đôi khi, cảm thấy rất yêu Pen Friend. Đôi khi khác, cảm thấy mọi thứ sao mà nhàm chán. Có thể tưởng tượng ra là ở bên Pen Friend hai năm, rồi có thể một ngày xách vali ra khỏi nhà không bao giờ quay trở lại. (!). Như hôm qua, tíu tít dạo phố, tay trong tay, cười khúc khích những chuyện vu vơ, cảm thấy đời sao thật là đẹp. Thế mà tối nay thấy mặt hắn dài ra vì chuyện công việc, nói năng cộc lốc, lại thấy ghét rồi, đuổi về thật sớm rồi lên đây blog, nghĩ ra toàn chuyện u ám, chán thế.
    Pen Friend đọc được những dòng này sẽ nghĩ gì nhỉ? Hi vọng là sẽ không "ghét" mình đến mức như mình đã "ghét" hắn
    Được funtasia sửa chữa / chuyển vào 10:20 ngày 27/12/2007
  10. funtasia

    funtasia Thành viên mới

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    Recently on www.vnexpress.net (a Vietnamese news website), this one guy was scouting around for peoplê?Ts view on whether he should get married to a girl whô?Ts shacked up with a guy in the past. Apparently his current girlfriend used to live with her ex-boyfriend, and now that shê?Ts getting serious with this guy, she told him about her past (that she used to live with her ex-boyfriend and had an abortion (or two) back then; they somehow broke up, and now shê?Ts with the guy in question). This shocked the guy out of his skin and (he said) in confusion he turned to the news website (anonymously) to ask for peoplê?Ts opinion on whether he should continue the relationship with this girl and ultimately marry her, on the account that she is not a virgin anymore and has lived with a guy.
    This in turn sparkled a heated debate on whether a (Vietnamese) man should get married to a (Vietnamese) woman who has lost her virginity to another man, who has lived with a man (or several men) in the past, or for any other reason not a ?ovirgin? and does not bleed on her wedding night. Although I do have a view on this, I will refrain from telling you what it is, as it surely will pale in comparison with all the fascinating pieces submitted by vnexpress readers (you have to be able to read Vietnamese though - to give you some examples, some are preaching/begging for men to have some ?operspectives? given that most men invariably would have had *** before marriage, whereas one guy says ?othe bridê?Ts virginity is the crown on her husband?Ts head(!)?, and a woman, commenting on that remark, says ?o[such a statement] must be the ultimate insult to men?). Enough said.
    Anyway, the point is, what amazed me this morning is to see that the guy who started this whole debate, for some reason (whatever that is) has decided to come out in the open in an interview with Vnexpress, and tell the world who he is, and why he chose to ask for peoplê?Ts view to make his decision (which is to stay on with the girlfriend), and some similar rubbish. And he said something to the effect that ?oI don?Tt share these readers?T views with my girlfriend, and she won?Tt know cos she doesn?Tt read vnexpress onlinê?.
    And I thought, he couldn?Tt believe what he was saying! She is bound to know, unless she is a Nepalese living in Myanmar or something. If she can read and write Vietnamese, or if her friend can read and write, she will know. A friend of a friend of a friend of her neighbour would tell her, hey, your boyfriend was on the newspaper telling the world about your abortions a few weeks ago. Her parents, his parents, the grandparents, the nieces, and the neighbours would know. So for a guy who tossed and turned over the fact that his girlfriend did not respect tra***ions, it is bizarre to see how he is so eager to become famous that he ignores her privacy entirely. Does he stop and think about what she would think when she knows what hê?Ts done with her past? Guess not. So this goes to show that, although he claimed that he has made a decision to ?olook pass? her past, I think he still treats her like a chattel. He thought it is grant of him to be so ?ogenerous? to her, and the world should know. I don?Tt know the girl, but I am tempted to wish her the best of luck if she continues with this guy.
    When Le Van published her biography (the first of its kind), I thought, ok, that?Ts brave. But really, once the novelty wears off, it is disturbing to think why there is so much hatred in her life, and why her entire celebrity family has to put up with her baring their lives for the world to see. It?Ts therapeutic to get it out of your system, but there are diaries and anonymous blogs if she just wants to get it out of her system.
    And now, with this guy flaunting his girlfriend?Ts past on the internet in an anonymous forum, then showing his identity (and indirectly, showing her identity as well), I feel as though Jerry Springer has come here to Vietnam. It is ironic to see the selfishness in a full package: how the guy is so obsessed with ?olosing out? on not having her virginity, but is so eager to expose her (without her knowledge) to earn some dubious fame for himself. How on earth can you hope a guy like that to have some ?operspectives??
    Anyway, talking about men?Ts selfishness would take a while, so I should get back to whatever I?Tve been doing. I just hope this whole saga is just some practical joke generated by some youngsters, or some market survey for a condom maker or something.
    Được funtasia sửa chữa / chuyển vào 20:30 ngày 03/01/2008

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