Nhật ký tuổi 30

Lately Iâ?Tve been feeling utterly lonely and depressed. I feel as though I cannot share my thoughts with anyone. Not Pen Friend. Not Su Phu. I cannot pour it out in any blog or diary. Sometimes I thought this is because of work stress. Other times I thought it is because I am in a wrong relationship, and that Pen Friend and I are not right for each other. Sometimes I want to talk to Pen Friend about things that bother me, but somehow we just never come round to it, and I just never get him to understand what I am thinking in my head, and why it is nagging me. Su Phu and I have stopped emailing intensely like we did in the past, and we do not share things as much as we used to, which is how things should be, but it sort of closes out one of my main outlets.
I am struggling in my relationship with Pen Friend. I find these questions swirling in my head: how come I find him so indifferent to things that are important to me (e.g., showing that he cares, being close rather than acting like a stranger)? How come there seems to be no romance in this relationship? How come I feel as though I am taken for granted, and how come I feel as though we were â?obuddiesâ? rather than lovers? I know I should learn to appreciate his goodness, learn to know that deep down inside he cares about me, just that his way of showing his feelings are different from mine. But most of the time I just missed being taken care of and being treated like a girl in the relationship. That does not seem to happen, and I donâ?Tt know what to do. Either I have to change, or he has to change, or this thing we have just has to end, no matter how much we want to keep it going.
So these days I am in one of those neurotic phases which make me feel as depressed and helpless as can be. It is awful. And I haven''t seen the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

Hi funtasia,
I read your topic last year, when I was 30! I found myself in there with a strong but fragile heart.
I suddenly found your topic again today and happy to know that you have someone to share your life with. . Be happy, dear. Don''t be depressed, you will pass this difficult time and look back with smiles. Be strong and take care.

funtasia: dear, i just grasped all of these 20 pages just in 2 hours this afternoon. admire how u could name out all the things that are going on in your mind and your heart in such a fantastic way.. I simply could not, no matter how much I want to do it..
just now have i read your last post. i actually sent u a PM and now realise that it''s not so relevant given ur mood right now. however hopefully u''ll receive it..

@ nn_m: thanks for coming back and checking in on me. I am still here, whining, hesitating and thinking left and right, being unable to make a decision unless someone shoves me into the water. And, no matter how much I want to bet otherwise, that is most likely to be the case 10 years from now.
@ cogaithangtu: thanks for your encouraging comments which are always a source of my motivation to write. I know there are tons of people out there who feel like me on varying degrees but have neither the time nor the inclination to put their thoughts into words, much less to bare their souls for the world to see. So if you feel as though some of your feelings are spoken for, then I would feel all the more rewarded. So whenever someone writes something along these lines on my topic, I would be animated for a few posts, until I am distracted by a business trip, or a major mishap with Pen Friend, or a prolonged depressive phase or just sheer boredom with the way my life is...
I have felt better about Pen Friend and the way we interact in the relationship. I suspected I needed to flush it out of my system somehow, and once I did that, I would feel less depressed. And that turned out to be the case. There are always ups and downs in relationships. When we are in our teens and 20s, there seem to be more ups. So now the downs seem deeper and more intense. Better get used to it.
Also I have another distraction to take the focus off Pen Friend.
Well the distraction is, a few days ago, I have uncovered who the person who wrote me personal messages on a daily basis for my other anonymous blog is!!! (Let?Ts call him the Poet). In the last month or so, the messages get longer and longer, and more and more intense, and the Poet seems happier and happier each time I whined about Pen Friend. He insists that I am in the relationship for the wrong reasons, that he and I are indeed soulmates, that hê?Td love to have a girlfriend like me in real life, and he dares me to come out. So it was shocking to discover that he is actually someone I know, and who pretty much brushes pass me in real life (at least when we first met ?" now we are somewhat closer but it seems pretty clear that I am not his type; I know he is into pretty young girls and I must believe I am way pass my sell-by date as far as he is concerned). So in my mind, it follows that if he knew who the blogger was in real life, he would be sorely disappointed. I am still thrilled about this new discovery, especially since he still has no clue that he has been exposed, while I remain a mystery (I must also mention that recently he starts going out with someone, who is both young and pretty, which confirms my opinion about his taste).
In a way, this discovery offers some consolation and disturbs me at the same time. On the positive side, the Poet allows me to see his gentle side, to see how much we are alike: nerdy, lonely, bookish, perfectionistic and both are struggling to reach our own ?ola dolce vitâ?. It shows that we can be true soulmate, at least on pen pal level.
On the other hand, I wonder how on earth we can?Tt connect to people the way we do on paper/keyboard in real life? Or is it just me? Perhaps it is my fault. First off, I have a prejudice against guys who are into girls for looks. My guy friends were aware of this, so in my early 20s, I was convinced that the guys were into me because of my personality, and/or because I was interesting (!). But now, my personality remains pretty much the same, I am far more interesting and much less good-looking, and it seems only a handful of guys are keen on me. This points me to a sad conclusion that I was misled, that guys are all the same, that they are almost always pulled to the girl because of visual attractions.
Secondly, may be I am not the same self in real life and in the virtual world. In real life, I appear to be more outgoing and less sentimental, and it is hard for me to open myself up to people with my deepest thoughts. Maybe that is why the Poet did not find me appealing in real life, and not because my looks are going steadily downhill?
So somehow it is some consolation to know that the Poet was pulled to me through my blog, while in real life he may have dismissed me. But it is also disturbing that he does not consider me in real life, and misses his chance to find the soulmate he believes he finds online. On the flip side, if he is indifferent in real life because I am not showing my true colours there, and not because of my age and my looks, then this is as much his problem as it is mine.
I do not know what the moral of the story is, yet. Maybe it is not important to know. As a side note, I don?Tt know whether I am in the relationship with Pen Friend for the wrong reasons. But I know I love him. Maybe he grows on me. Sometimes, I know I do things against my better judgement while being fully aware of the consequences. So I deserve things that happen to me. That said, I still like to complain about them
Được funtasia sửa chữa / chuyển vào 15:51 ngày 27/04/2008

Dạo này chẳng thấy viết mấy, toàn thấy sửa là sao?

@cogainghiluc: what else do you reckon an imperfect perfectionist does?
Another gossip: on Sunday night, I met this American at a party. Later on, it turned out, from the reckless whispers of people who?Tve had too much alcohol in them, he was the fiancee of the girl with whom the Nerd used to go out (the girl later ended the engagement with the guy, which was devastating to him, and went out with the Nerd for a while (they are now no longer an item, as far as I know)). People whispered because apparently the Nerd was there with his gang just half an hour before and the Nerd and the American were close to eating each other alive.
Hanoi (and perhaps Vietnam) is indeed a small world, especially for the expat community!!! If you go out with someone here, you?Td better never break up with them, or just pack and leave town when you do. Because chances are you?Td bump into them and their new guy/girl (and perhaps the one afterwards and the one afterwards) at a party or at the airport or at V resort! In a way, it seems pretty incestuous. It must be really hard to try to mend your heart and get a little peace of mind if you have to face your ex and their new guy/girl time and again.
Incidentally, the American was a total hit, really handsome (think Clive Owen in The Insideman) and hilarious. It?Ts a shame the girl left him for such a loser as the Nerd!!! The Nerd?Ts rating has gone way down since he first appeared in this topic a while back. I have never met a guy who is so unmanly and slimy, who always behaves as though he had never grown past puberty, and proud about it. Just thinking of him makes my skin crawl. We no longer cross paths much, thankfully.
Ok, enough negative thoughts and hatred for the day. It?Ts about time to get out and find something more positive to spend my energy on.
Được funtasia sửa chữa / chuyển vào 12:29 ngày 30/04/2008

hi hi, do you know about the story of Victo Huygo and his wife Eden...
But it isn''t what i want to meant and also give my opinion
goship is a kind of tale that if you care or don''t care show who you are and ...?

It is rare for me to see Pen Friend being jealous. It had seemed that he is either incapable of being jealous, or in general just doesn?Tt care very much about my interactions with other guys. He can listen with some faint interest when I tell him a guy asks me out on a date, or if they fancy me and send flowers or chocolates for Valentinê?Ts Day or my birthday. But he never says that I can?Tt hang out with them, or shows any sign of jealousy or insecurity. I kinda like that and the freedom that comes with it, although sometimes I wouldn?Tt mind a little jealousy or possessive reaction to show that he actually likes to mark his territory, like a regular boyfriend would do.
But last Sunday he was jealous, and there could have been some amusements in the circumstances if he had not been so dead serious about it. Because it was about me hanging out with a little boy, a 22 years old, just fresh out of college. Lately, I?Tve been meeting up quite often with him and his friends, whenever Pen Friend does not feel like going out. Recently, it seems that the Kid likes me, in a cute way that a baby would do. For instance, he would send me sentimental text messages or take care of me like a big brother when we hang out; he also refuses to meet with or even confirms the existence of Pen Friend as my boyfriend. There are many reasons why I like to hang out with him: I am flattered (of course), he is genuinely interesting, and there is a long list of things we both care about, so we have much in common to talk about. Hanging out with him makes me feel as though I saw myself 10 years ago: the charm of naivety, the endless parties, the wild fire of youth and the enthusiasm to change the world - this must be why guys like going out with younger girls.
For me, it is a given that there are people who like me or like Pen Friend from time to time (!) (that sounds so out of line for a 32 years old, I know, but believe me, all the oldies out there: there are still people who are crazy enough to like you when you are over the 30 benchmark). Anyway, the real danger only comes when either of us is attracted to one of them.
In this case, no matter how much I like the Kid, I never saw a danger there. The age gap to me is a big deal. I can never imagine myself being romantically involved with someone so young and so baby-like (although he acts older than his age). I treat the Kid like a baby, and I tell him flat out a few times that Pen Friend and I are serious, and as a rule I never go out with people 10 years my junior (which disappoints him but never succeeds in dissuading him from his chase) so we are both very clear about each other?Ts point of view. So the deal is that we hang out as friend, and he should look elsewhere for a girlfriend. Hê?Ts handsome, attractive, smart and caring. I think there must be plenty of girls out there who would like to be his girlfriend.
Apparently Pen Friend does not take things so easily, and it seemed as though he was bottling up his feelings about the whole thing. The other day he got furious when he couldn?Tt call me because I was out partying with the Kid and his friends. When I got back Pen Friend started telling me in a harsh tone that I should have known better, that he has a bad feeling about all of this, that I should stop hanging out with the Kid, etc. etc.
I was stunned to see his reactions, which I took as overreactions at any rate. I mean, if he was jealous, he should have been jealous about other people, who''re more on our "wavelength" and are more or less my "type" (I could tell you more about those in another post when I have the time). Also, I was in for a huge surprise. I never thought he was capable of being jealous with my manner around guys. On top of all that, I am now used to my freedom and it''s difficult for me to shut out the Kid and his friends altogether because Pen Friend feels like it on a gloomy day. What should I tell them? Ah, uhm, my otherwise easygoing boyfriend suddenly feels uncomfortable and disallows me to hang out with you guys? I''m sure there''d be a chorus demanding me to ***ch a guy who''s so chauvinistic and authoritative!
So what started out like minor entertainment to me (i.e., seeing his jealousy) after a heated exchange becomes a tense argument which I still don''t know how to resolve. He knew I don''t respond well to ultimatum (along the line of "stop hanging out with the Kid and these babies or elsê?") so in the end he said: I won''t tell you what to do, but it''s up to you to decide how to behave and spare my feelings (!) (back to emotional blackmail 101).
I don?Tt know how to behave and spare his feelings. Ultimately, sparing Pen Friend?Ts feelings is more important than hanging out with the Kid. So stop hanging out with the Kid would be a fairly easy decision. But I need to know whether this is a start of a new phase where my freedom to associate with babies and other singles is severely restricted. So maybe I will have to take this one slow and see for myself.

Letters drive wrong moods, sometimes. When somebody tells about jealousy of men, i just keep thinking of Rhett. I can''''t deny i was haunted by the swirling night he was crazily drunk and extremely jealous, leading Scarlett to the darkness that made she feel love the next morning when she woke up.
"For the first time in her life she had met someone, something stronger than she, someone she could neither bully nor break, someone who was bullying and breaking her. Somehow, her arms were around his neck and her lips trembling beneath his and they were going up, up into the darkness again, a darkness that was soft and swirling and all enveloping." (chapter LIV - gone with the wind)
Được cundc sửa chữa / chuyển vào 20:58 ngày 08/05/2008

That horrible feeling of being thoroughly depressed is here to stay. I have not felt like this since the messy breakup episodes with Su Phu. Yesterday Pen Friend and I had a dead serious talk. He said many things but the gist of it is: if he is disappointing to me then I should try to find someone else whô?Ts worth my while. He could be a good match for many other people and so could I, so don?Tt try to change him and don?Tt kid myself and pretend that we are the best of couple, then five years and two kids later, leave him and the kids for a hippie.
What is so depressing about the whole thing is, he is right. It is so true. I didn?Tt realise he saw right through me and my agonies. I half respect him for it and half hate him for it.
So. The beginning of the end is here. If it is unavoidable then the sooner we deal with it the better. But it still hurts a whole lot.
Seriously contemplating shaving my head and checking myself into a monastery if I can survive this ordeal.