A JOYFUL SIDE OF ENGLISH !!!

Humor about language
The English Lesson
No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn.
I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
This was a good time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
I had *****bject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
She could not live with a live mouse in the house.
It was just a minute prick and over in a minute.
His mistake was putting his left foot forward while putting.
We would probably read more Shakespear if we understood what we read.
There was a bow tied in the ropes on the bow of the ship.
You should spring that on us next spring!

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This one is really interesting piece of homophone, right ??? But, I wonder, any expert here can explain the meaning of all the couples of homophones in this piece ??? Plz, help us know the differences btw them in detail. Thnx much
Regards,

We must polish the Polish furniture
- The first polish is using as a verb so it means ?ođánh bóng? whereas the second Polish is using as an adjective which means a country, so it stands for Poland (Ba Lan).
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The first lead is a verb meaning ?ochỉ huy, lãnh đạo? while the second lead (I''m not sure on this whether it''s just lead alone or leadout).
The farm was used to produce produce.
- The first produce is a verb meaning ?osản xuất? while the second produce is as a noun meaning ?osản phẩm.?
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
- The first refuse ?" a verb, ?otừ chối.? The second refuse ?" a noun, ?ođồ thừa.?
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
- First desert (verb) ?" rời đi, đào ngũ. Second desert (noun) ?" sa mạc.
This was a good time to present the present.
- First present (verb) ?" to make a gift to. Second present (noun) ?" gift.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- First dove (noun) ?" chim bồ câu. Second dove is past tense of dive (verb) ?" lao đầu xuống.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- First invalid (verb) ?" không có hiệu lực. Second invalid (noun) ?" người bệnh tật.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
- First wound (verb) ?" apply on (the bandage was put on around the wound). Second wound (noun) ?" vết thương.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
- First row (noun) ?" cuộc cải lộn, cuộc đánh lộn. Second row (verb) ?" chèo thuyền.
They were too close to the door to close it.
- First close (adjective) ?" gần, sát. Second close (verb) ?" đóng.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
- First does (verb) ?" số ít của động từ ?oto do.? Second does is a plural form of a doe (noun) ?" thỏ rừng cái.
Ah..I will continue later, gotta go to classsss

Idioms
had (''d) better: be obliged to; should (strong).
"You''d better leave soon. If you don''t, you''ll miss your bus."
hassle (noun): a troublesome situation; something troublesome that interrupts one''s normal routine.
"I know it''s a hassle to complete this form now, but Mr. Rogers
needs it in his office by the end of the day."
hard feelings: anger; animosity; bitter feelings.
A: "I''m sorry that Jim got the job instead of you."
B: "I have no hard feelings toward him; I know that he had stronger qualifications."
hard-headed: stubborn; inflexible; unwilling to change.
"I don''t think Julie will change her mind. She''s pretty hard-headed."
hassle (verb): annoy; bother; interrupt one''s normal routine.
"If you''d stop hassling me, I might get this finished on time!"
have one''s hands full: be extremely busy.
A: "Will you be able to help us this afternoon?"
B: "I''m afraid not. I''ll have my hands full trying to finish my research paper."
have/has (''ve/''s) got: have/has.
"Dave''s got a son whose name is Benjamin and a daughter whose name is Shannon."
have something down pat: know/understand something completely and thoroughly.
"I know I did well on the test. I had all the material down pat."
head honcho: person in charge; top boss.
"Dave''s the head honcho of the ESL Cafe on the Web."
hit the books: study.
"I wish I could go to the movies, but I''ve got to hit the books."
hit the hay: go to bed; go to sleep.
"It''s late, so I guess I''ll hit the hay."
hit the sack: go to bed.
"I''m really tired. I think I''ll hit the sack."
How come?: Why? (statement word order).
"How come you weren''t at the party?"

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year-old son waiting for him at the door.
Son : Daddy, May I ask you a question"
Daddy : "Yeah sure, what it is?"
Son : "Dad, how much do you make an hour"
Daddy : "That''s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing? "that man said angrily.
Son : "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
Daddy : "I make Rs. 500 an hour"
"Oh", the little boy replied, with his head down .
Looking up, he said, "Dad, may I please borrow Rs.300?"
The father was furious, "if the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense, then march yourself to your room and go to bed. Think why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior".
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy''s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money? After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
May be there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs. 300
and he really didn''t ask for money very often!
" The man went to the door of little boy''s room and opened the door. "Are you asleep, son?" He asked.
"No daddy, I''m awake," replied the boy.
"I''ve been thinking, may be I was too hard on you earlier", said the man, It''s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here''s the Rs. 300 you asked for.
The little boy sat straight up, smiling "oh thank you dad!" He yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled some more crippled up notes. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father.
"Why do you want money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn''t have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.
"Daddy I have Rs. 500 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you. "

MORAL
It''s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts . If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.
An unwise investment indeed!
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This a a very good story I think... But think it in an extensive way, when you say you love s.t, you should pay attension to it and get concerning with it under any circumstances. Those who can do, those who cannot just speak...

American English Proverbs:
1. Birds of the feather flock together
( people of the same type seem to gather together )
2. In unity there is strength
( A group of people with the same goals can accomplish more than indiviaduals can )
3. It takes two to Tango
( When 2 people work as a team, they are both responsible for the team''s success and failure )
4. A man is known by the company he keeps
( a person is believed to be like the peple with whom he or she spends time )
5. Misery loves company
( Unhappy people often get satisfaction from having others share their misery )
Sincerely, B_mai_wei

Some more...
1. There is no place like home.
( a person is happiest with his or her familiar environment )
2. Too many cooks spoil the broth.
( too many people trying to take care of some thing can ruin it )
3. Two heads are better than one.
( 2 people working together can solve a problem quicker and better than a person working alone )
4. Two''s company, but three''s a crowd
( couples oftens enjoy their privacy and dislike having a third person around )
B_mai_wei

This is something I picked over the Internet.
A Perfect Pun
Three brothers went out West to establish a cattle ranch, but couldn''t think of an appropriate name for it. So they wrote to their father back East, and he replied, "Call it Focus, for that''s where the sun''s rays meet."
Don''t get it? It''s where the sons raise meat! Brilliant!

STRANGE BUT TRUE:
Note, none of these have been actually verified. Some I know to be true, but I can''t vouch for all of them.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans, dolphins and Bonobo Chimpanzees are the only species that have *** for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
It''s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can''t kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you''re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A pig''s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A ****roach will live nine days without it''s head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates *** by ripping the males head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can''t jump. (thankfully)
A cat''s urine glows under a backlight.
An ostrich''s eye is bigger than it''s brain.
Starfishes haven''t got brains.
(Things collected over the Spider''s Homing Base)

Men Vs. Women
Relationships
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I''ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you''re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there''s always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Handwriting
To their cre***, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i''s" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p''s" and "g''s". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she''s dumping you, she''ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman''s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett''s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Leg Warmers
A woman, even if she''s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is au***ioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Going Out
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren''t looking, men kick cats.
Offspring
Ah!, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail..........etc.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Socks
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Nicknames
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.
Eating Out
... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it''s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, car windows, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola''s head.
The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Directions
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I''ve found a new way to get there." and, "I know I''m in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men''s toys: little miniature TV''s. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve ****tails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Plants
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. They''ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.
Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that''s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer.
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1. An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away
( Eating an apple everyday helps a person to stay health )
2. Do As I Say, Not As I Do.
( Follow my advice, but don''t follow my example )
3. If You Can''t Beat Them, Join Them.
( If you can''t defeat your opponents, join forces with them )
4. If You Can''t Stand the Heat, Get out of the Kitchen.
( If you can''t tolerate the pressures of a particular situation, remove yourself from that situation )
5. Leave Well Enough Alone.
(Don''t try to improve st that is already satisfactory )
B_mai_wei