A smart snake

Only one corection is not correct, that is putting the verb "like" into the gap "you still... me" instead of another more serious one !!
I continue posting jokes:
A Rough Night
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After
leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was
hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Our High School principal has each teacher report class attendance over the intercom. The instructor must state the number of students present by gender, for example, "I have fourteen boys and thirteen girls in attendance." One day our principal was more than a little miffed at having to remind several teachers of the correct procedure. He was apparently somewhat forgetful, too, when he checked on the girls' physical-education instructor. "I have twenty-seven pupils present, sir," she announced. "Lady," he shouted through the intercom, "I need ***!"

A telephone technician who worked with my brother was sent to an apartment to repair a woman's phone. When she asked for proof of his identity, he realized he had left it at home. The only documentation he had was his payroll stub, so he slipped it under the door. "For cryin' out loud!" she said. "No wonder our phone bills are so high!!!!!!"

After my release from the U.S. Navy, I answered a newspaper ad for a forklift-operator at a soft-drink bottling company. I was taken on a tour of the plant by the warehouse foreman, who stressed how important it was not to break any bottles.
"In the Navy," I explained, "I wasn't allowed any mistakes with the forklift."
"What did you handle?" he asked.
"Bombs," I replied.
"Son," he said, "you're hired!"

My new secretary , anxious to please, hurriedly finished a letter and gave it to me for my signature . I detected a minor typing error, but signed the letter anyway. Before she mailed it, the secretary also noticed her mistake, so she typed a revision and placed it on my desk with the note: "Please resign."

College Days
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would
fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student.
He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Are You sure that you don't know WHO I am?!" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Discipline
It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.
Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:
"Private Jones! Front and center."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.
"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Private Jones! Jump!"
Jones just stood there, unmoving.
"Private Jones! I said jump!"
The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.
"Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"
The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachev's turn.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center."
Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff."
Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!"
Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.
By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.
As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him:
"Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?"
Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"

Flying lessons
A man was taking flying lessons. The instructor told him not to talk during the lesson.
So, once down on the ground and the lesson over for the day, the instructor says, "Congratulations, you didn't utter a word. I can't believe it!
The man says, "Well, I almost did when my wife fell out"!

Messing with the Mob
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, ****s the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell......that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Little Johnny
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one, Little Johnny, began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged Johnny and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which Little Johnny replied, "No, but Gramma is!"