Articles on Relationship

Cherie Carter-Scott:: How to Know if You''re Choosing the Right Mate




Let''s face it, relationships are among the most rewarding and at the same time frustrating facets of our lives. Despite all of our efforts to make them go smoothly, bumps in the road are inevitable. Author Cherie Carter-Scott seems to have figured out what makes relationships tick and serves up some terrific advice and insight in her new book, "If Love Is a Game, These Are the Rules."

Here is her exclusive interview with iVillagers:




iVillager : How do I know if I''m choosing the right person to start with?
Cherie Carter-Scott: Make three lists. The lists are what works for you and what you want in a partner. The three lists are the required list, the wish list and the knockout punch. First you want to see what is non-negotiable. That is like religion, something that you cannot negotiate about. Having blue eyes does not go on that list.

iVillager : Besides religion, what would be another requirement for the list? Do you feel that passion would need to be something on the requirements list?
Cherie Carter-Scott:Well, if you wanted someone from your race, ethics, integrity, nationality, for example. Passion is a personal thing. It could be on your list, but it doesn''t have to be on everyone''s.

iVillager : The animal attraction is always my stumbling block. I seem to let it override some of my requirements, and then I end up getting hurt. Any suggestions?
Cherie Carter-Scott: That''s perfect example of why it doesn''t work. If you let that part take over, then your spiritual side isn''t getting addressed. It''s just your carnal side that''s being addressed. It''s not about taking or leaving, it''s about learning.
iVillager : Is it important to be spiritually ready before finding your perfect love or soulmate?
Cherie Carter-Scott: Not necessarily, but if your spiritual life is important to you, find somebody on the same path.

iVillager : When I first met my fiance, he seemed to be everything I wanted. After six months I find out that he isn''t, but it will hurt so much to break it off. What did I do wrong?
Cherie Carter-Scott: Six months is a very short time to give yourself to make such an important decision. You need to see all sides of a person before you commit, especially under stress. You need the whole picture before you commit. You want to know what you''re getting into, and that''s tough to do given that time frame.

iVillager : Is this your first book? What inspired you to write this one?
Cherie Carter-Scott: I wanted to write the book because we all need a partner to hold our hand in the game of life.

iVillager : When do you know that you are in love?
Cherie Carter-Scott: When you feel in your heart that this is the person you want to grow old with.

KNOW YOURSELF: Finding Your Authentic Self


Understanding Your Emotional Style


In Tara Bennett-Goleman''s book, "Emotional Alchemy", she identifies 10 emotional styles that we all can identify. Your emotional style is your instinctive emotional reaction to situations. It''s important to identify your emotional style, Tara adds, because it could be hurting your relationships, and ultimately keeping you from living your best life.
What''s Your Emotional Style?
Most people can identify with at least one of these emotional styles. Read each of the following groups of questions, and then begin to discover your own emotional style:
1. Did you have a loss early in life that makes you fear losing people?
Do you cling to people or push them away because you''re afraid of losing them?
In relationships, are you so obsessed with the fear you''ll be left, that you push people away?
Your emotional style could be Abandonment.
Abandonment
The ongoing fear that people will leave is at the root of this emotional style. These people may fear that if they rock the boat in the smallest way, the ones they love will leave. Or, they may adapt by running away from a relationship before they can be hurt.
If this emotional style applies to you, it''s important to learn that you won''t fall apart if someone leaves you. Be aware of the fear that any kind of abandonment stirs up â?" hypersensitivity to separation, dread of being isolated. Mindfulness can help track this emotional style and prevent it from ruling your life.
2. Do you find yourself irritated when someone keeps you from doing what you want?
Do you feel that you are somehow special, and the rules don''t apply to you?
Your emotional style could be Entitlement.
Entitlement
People with this emotional style feel that rules don''t apply to them. They may have been spoiled as a child, or the love they received was based on a certain quality â?" looks, academics, athletic skills. These people often exaggerate their prowess, usually to hide a feeling of inadequacy, or feel they are entitled to more than their fair share of compensation. They also display a lack of self-discipline, and the inability to delay gratification.
If your emotional style is entitlement, try to be aware of the negative impact your actions have on the people around you. Mindfulness can help you learn to catch yourself before you overstep appropriate limits, and connect with your deeper feelings so you can deal with them directly.
3. Are you drawn to people who control you or make decisions for you?
Do you feel guilty about having needs or wants of your own?
Do you feel resentful when your needs or wishes aren''t considered?
Your emotional style could be Subjugation.
Subjugation
This emotional style revolves around the feeling that your own needs never take priority in an intimate relationship. These people give in easily, but their hidden resentment can smolder into anger and rage. Some will overreact at the least sign of being controlled, while others are unable to make even a simple commitment.
If this describes you, get in touch with your resentment, so that you can begin to assert your wishes and needs effectively. Being mindful will help you track your automatic reactions â?" the anger or thoughts that are primed by the fear that you will be controlled.
4. When you were young, were you made to feel that you didn''t belong in some way?
Do you tend to feel like an outsider in a group?
Are you shy and self-conscious in social situations?
Your emotional style could be Exclusion.
Exclusion
Finding yourself on the outside of things often leads to this emotional style. The perceived message is, "You''re not like us." This feeling typically causes a person to stay on the edge of the action, reinforcing the feeling of exclusion. This may lead avoidance of groups in adulthood, or conversely, cause someone to revel in their outcast role.
If you feel excluded, learn to feel and challenge your fears by making efforts to initiate conversations, and learning to master your anxiety. Mindfulness will help you step back from thoughts that make you uncomfortable.
5. Do you feel people can''t be trusted?
As a child, were you treated unfairly or abused?
Do you feel that people you are close to will betray your trust?
Your emotional style could be Mistrust.
Mistrust
Suspiciousness and a quick temper are typical of this emotional style. Often the mistrust stems from having been physically, ***ually, or emotionally abused. People of this style tend to gravitate to relationships in which their worst fears are confirmed, getting involved with people who treat them badly.
If this describes you, you may want to work with a therapist specializing in clients who have been abused. Treatment may involve revisiting your memories and expressing your anger, which is an essential emotional step. Mindfulness can help you become aware of your tendency to assume betrayal, and help you challenge those thoughts.
6. As a child, were you put down or made to feel inept?
Do you fear you won''t succeed at anything, no matter how hard you try?
Do you feel that you don''t deserve the success you''ve had?
Your emotional style could be Failure.
Failure
A typical feeling in this emotional style is being deficient despite one''s accomplishments. This can lead people to push themselves extremely hard, despite the constant fear of failure. Some fall prey to the imposter phenomenon â?" you succeed, but secretly feel you''re a fraud and will be found out. Others discover that believing they will fail becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you see yourself in this emotional style, learn to more accurately assess your talents and abilities, as well as accept that your accomplishments are truly deserved. Being mindful will help you identify and challenge your internal negative thoughts.
7. Do you feel that if people knew the "real" you, they would see that you''re flawed?
Do you feel a sense of shame that keeps you from letting people get close?
Are you drawn to people who are critical and rejecting of you?
Your emotional style could be Unlovability.
Unlovability
The automatic assumption that "I''m not lovable" typifies this emotional style. Shame and humiliation, along with a feeling of being flawed, are this style''s prominent emotions. Two patterns are seen in people who feel unlovable. Some give in to their deep feeling of unworthiness, while others hide behind arrogance, seeking public recognition and adulation.
People with this emotional style may find it hard to be genuine in a relationship. One thing you can do is challenge the thoughts that amplify your flaws. Mindfulness will help you learn to feel confident that those close to you know and love you as you are, and you will begin to heal.
8. Do you hold yourself to the highest standards, but feel it''s never good enough?
When you were young, were you made to feel you could always do better, no matter what you accomplished?
Do your relationships or health suffer because you push yourself too hard?
Your emotional style could be Perfectionism.
Perfectionism
People with this emotional style unrelentingly hold themselves to the highest standards. No matter how well they do, it''s never good enough, so they drive themselves until the rest of their life suffers. This emotional style drives people to push themselves in sports, at school, in physical appearance, or for social status.
If this emotional style applies to you, realize that lowering your standards will be a relief. You will have time and energy to have your other needs met, including the need for downtime. Being mindful will help you examine and challenge the self-criticism.
9. Do you often feel that people don''t really care about your needs or tune into your feelings?
Do you often find yourself in a caretaker role with others?
Are you drawn to relationships with people who are cold, or self-absorbed?
Your emotional style could be Deprivation.
Deprivation
At the heart of this emotional style is the belief, "My needs won''t be met." No matter how much is given to people of this style, it never feels like enough. Some people overindulge in an attempt to nurture themselves, while others become the caretaker they never had, and may gravitate to careers in which they help others, like social work or nursing.
If your emotional style is deprivation, examine how your need to be nurtured affects your relationships. You should become aware of a tendency to distort your interpretation of the actions of others. People might enjoy your company without wanting anything more. Mindfulness will help you begin to communicate your needs more clearly, and to seek more emotionally available partners.
10. Do you often have the fear that something bad will happen to you or a loved one?
Do your fears keep you from doing things that you would like?
Are you overly preoccupied with worries about health or finances?
Your emotional style could be Vulnerability .

Vulnerability
The key element of this emotional style is an exaggerated fear that something terrible is about to happen. This can lead to thriftiness to the point of denying yourself pleasure, or embracing some health fad to ward of disease. At its extreme, it takes the form of a phobia, like fear of flying. Some people react by constantly seeking reassurance, while others overcompensate by taking risks.
People with this emotional style can win emotional freedom by mindfully monitoring their thoughts, rather than letting them dictate their behavior. Me***ation can also help calm your mind

MUST KNOWS
Do you judge him? Do you know about the magic of touch? Is he the right guy for you? Before getting into a relationship understand these ideas

DO YOU JUDGE HIM?
Everybody feels dejected when they are criticized. It is important for you as a woman to realise that a man''s ego and his sense of identity is more sensitive than a woman''s. When a man feels that he is being judged, or that his love would think worse of him for what he says, then he will simply shut up.
So don''t judge your man. That''s the simple ground rule you need to follow. Letting him say what is on his mind, or just listening are definite commandments to be adhered to. Sure you can have a different opinion and you can put your view across, but you need not open your mouth and blurt out "Where did you get a crazy idea like that from?" or something to that effect. This will just persuade him to shut up and not open himself to you. Or worse he will just try to toe a line that is totally different from his personality scared that he is being judged by you.
A little tact with a hint of that famous feminine instinct will go a long way in building a solid relationship.


SHOW THAT YOU CARE
This is going to sound routinely cliched, but we just cannot help repeat it, `when it comes to love, actions speak louder than lovê?T. Instead of repeating `I love you?T endlessly, small acts of kindness, concern and even an attentive mind are proof enough of your love. Relationships do not thrive on mere words, they are cultivated by deep-rooted love and affection. The best way to express love is by sharing, caring, being patient and of course being understanding. Lending support in hour of crisis and advice when asked for are other small gestures that emote tons of love where words fail to make an impact.

THE MAGIC OF TOUCH
There is no such thing as too much intimacy. Any relationship blooms to its maximum potential when quiet, simple yet delightful pleasures are experienced. This also brings with it a sense of excitement.
One such pleasure is that of touch. When you touch your partner it sends out positive signals like I love you and I care for you. It is a medium of expressing warm, true and intense affection and caring. It provides a great deal of comfort.
Touching enlivens our lives. It nurtures our relationships. The gift of touch contains within it the miracle of healing and bonding. Touch is a means of connecting emotionally, physically and spiritually.


THE ART OF COMPLAINING!
There may be many complaints you have against your boyfriend. But then there is a time to talk about it. Talking about his increasing waistline when hê?Ts really down and out is not a very nice thing to do. Just imagine someone doing that to you! As it?Ts always said ?oThere is a time and place for everything.? So find the opportune moment to complaint. Definitely don?Tt do it when he is busy, tired or engrossed watching the last over of a cricket match.

DOES HE NEED YOUR ADVICE?
Let''s just say: ``No opinions please.''''
? Talk of things as they are in their present state rather than hoping for what they could have been or what they once were.
? Be in touch with what has occurred rather than your judgement of right or wrong. Judgements arise out of personal frame of reference or value system and should be avoided.
? Share perceptions and feelings rather than doling out advice. By sharing feelings you leave the other person free to work on the best available option. The fault with giving advice is that you deprive the other person of his/her freedom to choose an appropriate course of action.
Though this may sound obvious, we often tend to let the obvious get obscured in our day to day lives.


IT TAKES TWO TO SHARE
Don?Tt turn your partner into your psychiatrist. By doing so, you unwittingly force him to be strong always, so that you can always be weak and cry on his shoulder. This is too great a burden and eventually, it will become irksome. Self-disclosure and the accompanying vulnerability that goes with it should be shared, and not be one-sided.

DON?TT COMPARE YOURSELF WITH HIS EX!
This is the golden rule of life, which assumes greater significance when you are playing the love game ?" do not compare. Do not pit yourself against your lovê?Ts ex and make senseless comparisons like was she prettier? Was she taller? Was she good-natured?
No two people are created alike so how do you expect to replicate a person you never knew? There must be some areas where she scored over you and there are going to be some fields where you will be better than her, so do not try to fill in voids. Celebrate your own personality and think of ways to enrich it. We cannot fit someone elsê?Ts shoes, it is best that we wear our own and walk -- that way we stand tall and walk dignified!


THE QUALITIES OF THE IDEAL MAN
One with a great sense of humor: It is the funny bone that adds colour to our personalities. Minus humour we become dull and boring. A man who can laugh at himself can easily tackle the most daunting problems, so make sure your man is tanked up with tons of this.
Common sense: It is important that you share some things in common with would be Mr. Right. Being as distant as chalk and cheese and letting the magic of opposites attract works in some cases. With others, it is necessary that they find `common?T things to share.
Being yourself: Does your personality undergo a complete transition when you are with your man? Does he make you switch masks like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide? If he does, then he is definitely not for you. Anyone who makes you be something or someone that you are not is bad news and could be avoided.
Open person: Yes this is an important quality that you must look for in a person. Someone with an open, attentive mind, willing to love and accept you for what you are and love you for it, is definitely worth spending the rest of your life with.
A pillar of strength: It is important that your special other is supportive, understanding and appreciative of your ideas. Someone who understands your aspirations and helps you achieve your goal.
Who let?Ts you be: Wouldn?Tt you be happy with someone who understands your crazy eccentricities and loves you in spite of these? Who loves all the crazy, cute things that you do? It would be a pleasure sharing a lifetime with someone who lets you be, so make sure that Mr. Right does share your set of eccentricities.

Six-Step Peace Plan
Every couple will argue at some point; disagreements are a normal part of any relationship. Learn how to fight fairly with these ideas from Dr. Phil McGraw.
1. Find a visual cue (holding up a card, for instance) to signal that a fight is starting and it''s time to nip it in the bud.
2. Take the discussion someplace private and conduct it hand-in-hand with your mate. You''re going to talk to a person you love, so close the personal space and deal with them closely. Hold hands. It makes it easier to communicate, and much, much harder to argue.
3. Take the word "anger" out of your vocabulary. Instead, replace it with one or more of the following: fear, hurt or frustration. Fear, hurt and frustration are the three emotions that are always at the root of anger. (And remember: don''t use words like "steamed," "ticked off" or "P.O''ed" in place of "anger." Keep it on the big three.)
4. Express your needs to your partner. No, he or she probably doesn''t already know what those needs are. Be articulate. State what you need plainly. Remain calm.
5. Work the problem. Cooperation, not competition, is the idea here, so take some time to calm down before finding a solution to the issue.
6. Share a moment of peace to re-affirm your bond once a resolution or decision has been reached. This might be a silent, 60-second hug, or looking into one another''s eyes for a full minute.

Verbal Abuse: How to Save Yourself
How to save yourself from a bad guy: an interview with author Patricia Evans.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.
How many women think of that schoolyard rhyme while reeling from a partner''s put-downs or angry outbursts? The rhyme''s a lie, says Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Cruel words can do worse than break bones: They can break your spirit, cripple your confidence, even make you physically ill.
"This can happen to any woman, with any family background or career," she says. "It''s happened to psychologists, lawyers, doctors, teachers, Web designers, mommiesâ?"even the director of a women''s shelter." A woman falls into the trap because the abuse takes her by surprise. "He isn''t abusive while he''s courting you," Evans says. "But once he gets you, he switchesâ?"and you have no idea why."
Evans proposes a persuasive reason in her new book, Controlling People: An abuser needs to see you as his dream woman, an extension of himselfâ?"so the real, spontaneous, separate you becomes the enemy. That''s why you get a double message: "I love you" ... "You bitch." And that''s why verbal abuse is all about undermining and definining you.
Seven Signs You''re In A Verbally Abusive Relationship
1. He seems irritated or angry with you several times a week. When you ask why he''s mad, he either denies it or tells you it''s in some way your fault.

2. When you feel hurt and try to talk with him, the issues never get resolved. He might refuse to discuss your upset feelings by saying, "You''re just trying to start an argument!" or claiming he has no idea what you''re talking about.

3. You frequently feel frustrated because you can''t get him to understand your intentions.

4. You''re upsetâ?"not so much about concrete issues like how much time to spend together, but about communication: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.

5. You sometimes think, "What''s wrong with me? I shouldn''t feel so bad."

6. He seems to take the opposite view from you on almost everything, and his opinion isn''t stated as, "I think ..." but as if you''re wrong and he''s right.

7. You can''t recall saying, "Cut it out!" or "Stop it!"

A very fun and thoughtful love advice !
The Chemistry Conundrum
Sherry Amatenstein
Whether you''re searching for Mr. Right or unloading a loser boyfriend, love and relationship expert Sherry Amatenstein will help you improve your dating game. Submit your question here!
Dear Sherry:
I recently met someone who is a really fine, decent person. We have had four fun dates together. Then we kissed for the first time. It was just -- nothing. I kissed him again. Still nothing. I feel like I''m being superficial, but he just doesn''t turn me on. Is chemistry something that can grow?
Denise



Dear Denise:
I polled all my girlfriends on your chemistry conundrum, and there are two opposing (and both rather spirited) camps on this issue. Julie, on the one hand, flatly says, "Dump him unless *** isn''t important to you"; Susan, on the other, is happily married to someone who didn''t initially get her spark plugs sparking. Her take: "My theory is that men and women who aren''t ready to make a commitment are only attracted to people that would be inappropriate for a long-term relationship. After years of dating every hot bad boy I could get my hands on, I met a really, really sweet man. Okay, he wasn''t Tom Cruise, but after we got to know and care for each other, the attraction came. And it''s still there."
My bottom line: Chemistry is certainly not to be discounted, but if the "mental connect" between the couple is four-star, plus the guy''s a "fine, decent person," plus you''re not dating anyone anyway, give it a shot. By "give it a shot," I don''t mean hop into bed with him. I mean continue spending time with him, sharing fun experiences, telling each other your dreams and fears. Make it clear that you need to keep the *** part on a VERY slow boil. (Fine, decent men are usually okay about such things.) And if one night in the future his lips look very kissable, go for it. And if you still don''t get that "special" feeling, well, at least you''ll know you gave it a fair try.

Communication and Problem Solving
by Gayle Peterson
Developing Your Family''s Communication Membrane
Although most of us are aware that communicating is an important element of relationships, we do not realize the full impact of communication on our emotional and physical health. Research on heart disease reveals that an inability to communicate can contribute to large and rapid fluctuations in blood pressure which can ravage an already weakened cardiovascular system.
Psychologist James Lynch describes the concept of a ?ocommunication membranê? which exists between people in a family. The better able family members are at identifying and
expressing their feelings, the more quickly their blood pressure returns to normal when emotional excitement occurs. However when we are unable to identify and verbally express our feelings, our blood pressure remains more volatile. Biofeedback research shows that patients with heart disease often suffer increased and prolonged bouts of high blood pressure because their bodies experience the feelings, but there is no release of this pressure through effective means for resolving conflict and being understood. They are literally ?otrapped inside their bodies? unable to express themselves. Dr. Lynch calls this ?oalexithymiâ? which translated from Latin means ?ono words for feelings?. The inability to communicate our feelings is physically as well as emotionally distressful.
Patterns of ineffective communication can be passed down through generations when we grow up in families that have poorly developed communication skills. A child?Ts self esteem develops in relationship to the people who love that child. Being understood is a primary and validating experience we all need in order to develop a solid sense of ourselves in the world.
However, in some families, even naming the feelings a child is experiencing may be difficult, leaving him or her vulnerable to alexithymia in adulthood. Throughout our adult lives, our sense of self worth is linked to our need to commune with others, to feel understood. ?oCommunê? is defined in Webster?Ts dictionary as ?oto converse together intimately, to have spiritual intercourse with?. Effectively communicating with other family members is not a luxury, but a basic emotional need. If we fail to develop a healthy ?ocommunication membranê? in our families, we are vulnerable to increased stress resulting from misunderstandings.
The ability to negotiate our needs in the family and our capacity to solve problems is also a function of our ability to understand our feelings. A young child depends on adults to accurately name their feelings. It is through this process that self awareness develops and a child begins to verbally articulate what is going on inside.
But having a well-functioning ?ocommunication membranê? which allows us to receive and send messages smoothly is not just about physical or emotional health. The overall atmosphere present in a family is directly related to whether communication facilitates or blocks conflict resolution. Families may become dysfunctional when problems cannot be solved. The capacity of family members to resolve problems contributes to an overall spirit of harmony or dissonance present in the home. Attention to family atmosphere is important because high and consistent levels of tension related to unsolved difficulties is thought to be the single largest contributor to maladjustment in children.
PROBLEM SOLVING AND COMMUNICATION
A common pattern which creates distress in a marriage is one in which one spouse confronts conflict and the other blocks communication through withdrawal, sulking, stonewalling, flippancy, discounting or other methods of conflict avoidance.
One of the strongest predictors of divorce is the inability to solve problems. Contrary to popular belief, neither dissatisfaction reported in a marriage nor frequency of disagreements spawn failed marriages. Instead, styles of communication that inhibit problem solving spell trouble. A legacy of unresolved conflict may be the writing on the wall. Communication that relies heavily on blaming, placating, whining or sarcasm to express feelings leads to protracted discussions with less probability for reaching solutions. Researchers describe communication to be one of three important criteria, but the most pivotal in family functioning.
Family communication either strengthens or inhibits bonding and adaptation, two other important dimensions of family relationships.
It is easy to intuitively identify when we are having difficulty being understood or getting our point across. Similarly, we can often feel when we do not connect with another person?Ts interpretation of an experience. What is more difficult to understand is the relationship between our own communication and the potential for solving problems.
One way to know if your communication is effective in the family is to take note of how or if problems get discussed, and if they do what percentage of time a resolution occurs. Do topics of discussion reach closure, particularly when action needs to be taken? Pay attention to how you make decisions in the family and how this process feels to you and other family members.
One team of family researchers at Brown University describes 7 steps to problem solving:
- Identify the problem
- Communicate with appropriate people about the problem
- Develop a set of possible alternative solutions
- Decide on one of the alternatives
- Carry out action required to guarantee action is taken
- Moniter to guarantee action is taken
- Evaluate effectiveness of your decision-making process
If communication skills are poorly developed, it will prove difficult to get past the second step of conveying your description of the problem to someone else. Likewise, unresolved conflict could be expressed in a miscarriage of action once it is decided (fifth step). However, if family members gestate a decision through to the final step of self- reflection, they are more likely to give birth to a feeling of team spirit, whatever the outcome.
How decisions are made in a family is often more crucial to positive feelings between family members than what is decided.
Below is an exercise in listening and empathy, the first step towards healthy communication. Family researchers have identified six areas of family communication, however listening to emotionally laden messages without automatically blocking the flow of a discussion is primary in laying a foundation for solving problems. For this reason, listening will take up the lion?Ts share of the discussion below.

The following discussion and exercises are intended to help stimulate thought and reflection on your recollection of childhood patterns of communication and problem solving and your current family?Ts ?ocommunication membranê?.
Every family is a unique culture. Adjust this information to your own values and needs. When applying it to your spouse, an attitude of curiosity and exploration of your family and how it operates may prove beneficial, as well as a realization that you are a team when it comes to making decisions together. Naturally, when you are applying it to your children you retain final decision making. In this way, family boundaries and roles remain clear of ambiguity .
DEVELOPING YOUR COMMUNICATION MEMBRANE
Six Elements of Healthy Communication
Listening:
Childhood experience: Ask yourself if you were listened to as a child in your family, and if other family members listened to each other or not. This will give you an understanding of your own trust in being understood and the pressure you might feel around communication that is rooted in the past. Remember, it is never too late to develop skills, or take the time for listening that we did not learn or experience in childhood. Life is for learning. And now it is your turn as parents to decide what kind of family atmosphere you want to develop!
Rate your overall childhood experience of feeling listened to in your family on the scale below. You may also rate your childhood experience as it relates to your relationship with your mother, father, or other family members separately, if you wish.
Present family experience: Ask yourself and members of your family to tell you whether they feel understood most of the time by others in the family, some of the time, almost never, etc. Use the same scale above to assist you. You may also want to ask, specifically if someone feels understood by individual members. If you do so, it is important to understand that it is common for children to feel more or less understood by different parents at different times, and this exercise should be done with full cooperation, knowledge and participation of all family members to ensure a spirit of camaraderie in understanding each other.
It is particularly helpful to do with just your marital partner as a tool for assessing how each of you experiences the other.
Remember that the goal is to understand the family member?Ts experience, not to judge their experience. Also, be aware of any self-criticism or judgment if you experience difficulty understanding someonê?Ts experience in the beginning. Developing compassion for yourself is the first step in being able to develop a family atmosphere of empathy and trust.
Developing your listening skill. Wherever you currently rate your experience of being listened to in your family, listening skills can always be improved. This is especially true during emotionally laden discussions when conflicts arise. The more practice, the easier it will be to voluntarily call upon a capacity to express yourself in a way that is non-blaming, and be able to listen to your partner?Ts experience without blocking communication.
The more you use the techniques below, the easier and more quickly you will be able to get back on track when you do become defensive or attacking. Afterall, it is natural to become reactive in the course of daily living. However being able to get back on track, without losing large amounts of time to polarizing discussions will help you solve problems more effectively. And it will help you free up love for one another, following a short-lived but appropriate release of anger. If couples can express anger and resentments to one another without blaming or punishing, love is preserved and intimacy blossoms!
Listening includes the ability to be attentive to the other person?Ts experience of what is being discussed. It also means being able to understand and empathize with their experience, even when you do not agree or have an opposite view. Showing empathy is crucial to your partner?Ts ability to hear your experience when it is your turn to describe it.
Using the following sentence, fill in the blanks with your appropriate feelings, the description of behavior you are responding to, and your emotional interpretation of what the behavior means to you. When you fill in the blank for ?oimagined?, you may find that your feelings are partially rooted in past childhood experiences which may color the way you are receiving your partner?Ts message. This exercise offers an opportunity for clarification, including the possibility of separating past and present realities.
For example: I feel anxious when you swear and I imagine you are about to lose control of yourself and hit me. Or: I feel tense when you swear and I imagine you will withdraw from being affectionate to me the rest of the evening.
Your partner then should reflect back to you an accurate understanding of your feelings, without defending or explaining himself before he or she connects with you around being understood.
For example: You feel anxious that my swearing will result in my hurting you physically. Is that right? You feel afraid that my swearing means that I won?Tt be loving to you the rest of the day. Did I get it?
When you use this method of communicating around emotionally charged topics, you will be more likely to be understood because you are eliminating blaming your partner for how you feel. You are expressing your feelings without attacking the other person. This makes it easier for your partner to understand your feelings when they are different from their own. Using ?oI? statements also allows you to validate your own feelings. This eliminates the pressure for two people to see things exactly the same in order to feel connected or loved.
Space for two people to experience the world differently decreases the possibilities of misinterpretation. And this kind of connecting allows people to reflect on the source of these feelings, sorting out what percentage of their feelings belong to their present partnership experience, and how much of it may relate to past childhood relationships. Because there is more space for feelings, the understanding can evolve more smoothly.
For example: ?o I know you?Tve never hit me. I guess your anger triggers my experience of being hit by my brother when I was a kid.?
When clarifications like the above can happen, partners will be more able to increase their capacity for receiving messages that carry strong emotions, (including anger) from their partner, without overreacting. The more we build tolerance for feelings, without responding with defensive blocking techniques such as withdrawal or blaming, the greater our ability is for closeness and intimacy. Trust is built through an experience of safety in being able to express powerful feelings without distorting communication.
When you take the time to listen, you develop a sense of trust. The experience of being understood cannot be overestimated in its effect on soothing the other person, enabling them to then really listen to your experience, explanation or clarification. This is your best insurance that you will be heard when you begin to explain your viewpoint and explore what of your partner?Ts experience is true, and what is a misinterpretation of your behavior. These skills are necessary for deepening intimacy throughout the years of a marriage, and go a long way in beginning to resolve conflict.
Setting aside 15 minutes each evening will be enough to begin increasing your listening skills with this exercise. You can take turns alternating days of being the listener with your partner if you like, so the exercise is easy to do. Even if you think you are too tired, you may find that receiving empathy can be rejuvenating. And being able to connect as the listener may give you a feeling of accomplishment and maturity which deepens your appreciation of not only your partner, but yourself!
Speaking for yourself and not others: Children whose experiences are constantly explained by someone else may not develop their own sense of what their feelings or opinions are, much less be able to express themselves in the world. A developing sense of self includes speaking for yourself and not others, unless they are truly unable to do so (i.e. too young or too sick,etc.)
Though children may not always be able to express themselves clearly, they will develop their ability to do so if given the opportunity. Valuing the expression of feelings, however, does not mean you are always in agreement. Nor do feelings negate consequences or discipline when it is required. However speaking for others can also contribute to involving others in an argument, inappropriately. When this happens, family communication can become particularly distressful.
For example:
Dad: ?oIt?Ts cold in here. Put this shirt on Sam.?
Mom: ?oIt?Ts not cold in here. Sam doesn?Tt need that shirt.?
Sam (age 12): ?o I don?Tt want that shirt. It?Ts ugly! I?Tm fine. Leave me alone!?
Children are less likely to become entangled in disagreements between parents if parents speak for themselves and request the same of their children.
For example:
Dad: ?oI?Tm cold. I?Tm going to get myself a shirt. Do you need one, Sam? How about you, Honey?? (directed to wife).
Sam: ?oNo thanks, Dad. I?Tm fine.?
Mom: ?oI?Tm not cold either. Thanks.?
Discuss with your partner: Did family members speak for each other in your childhood? Do members in your current family speak for themselves most of the time, (?oI feel? vs. ?oYou feel?) or is it common practice to assume you can represent others?T experiences in the family?
Research on communication shows that when members commonly express feelings for others in the family, information is likely to be distorted and individuals experience difficulty being autonomous. The first example above also shows the potential for alienation to occur when parents repeatedly triangulate a child in their own differences.
Self-disclosure: Being able to share your own feelings of resentment as well as love and appreciation are examples of sharing intimate feelings in the family. Feeling safe enough to share things that may be troubling requires that families do not expect perfection in people. Being human means that people may experience ?ounpopular? feelings in the family. But being able to express them will help ease the pain. In this way, families act as shock absorbers for one another. If self-disclosure is practiced, a family can be a safe place to retreat from the world, temporarily, while recovering from lifê?Ts ups and downs.
Discuss with your partner: To what degree did you feel it was safe to express feelings in your family as a child? Evaluate how easy or difficult it is to share unpopular feelings with one another in your present family. Together you set the climate for family intimacy and sharing. This is your chance to decide what kind of family atmosphere you want to create!
Clarity of the message: Whether a message is clearly communicated depends on how direct the communication is and if the verbal and non-verbal communication matches.
Example (indirect): ?oIt would be nice if sometimes a person were able to do something in this family without criticism.?
The above message is indirect in many ways. It lacks clarity about who is sending the message, to whom the message is being sent, what it is that is being criticized, by whom, and what exactly is being asked for. Indirect messages tend to be dead-ended because it takes so much energy to ascertain what is being said and what should be responded to. These communications rarely lead to anything other than frustration.
Example (direct): ?o I feel hurt when you criticize my cooking every evening. Please tell me what you want to eat.?
It is much easier to understand what the message is when it is clear and direct. The likelihood of some level of resolution of conflict between people increases.
Non-verbal tone which does not match the content of the message can also be confusing, particularly to young children who understand tonality but don?Tt yet fully comprehend words.
Example: Did you know I get (giggling) really angry when you (giggles) embarrass me by calling me names in front of your family?
Even for adults, the nonverbal tone communicates a much weaker message, one that is not meant to be remembered, or taken seriously.
Example: I feel really angry when you call me names in front of your family. It embarrasses me! A natural emphasis of tone on ?oangry? and? embarrasses? congruently communicates to the right hemisphere of the brain (which picks up tonality) that these feelings are important, to be taken seriously and remembered.
Discuss together: What was the communication like between members of your family in childhood? Was it direct or indirect? Clear or ambiguous? Did nonverbal and verbal communication generally match, or were there incongruencies, double messages? Explore your experience in your present family. If necessary, you can research this by listening closely during the next week and writing down your observations about your family communication. Then come back the next week and share your experience with one another.
Continuity: Tracking and staying on topic
Researchers found that completing discussions of a topic during a conversation contributed significantly to healthy family communication. Discussions which allow for democratic expressions, opinions and sharing while staying on track enable children to learn the skills necessary to set and achieve goals. Critical thinking is a process that is learned in the family setting.
Distractions that block follow through on a topic can take a variety of forms: irrelevant asides, changing topics midstream, interrupting the flow of discussion are all potential contributors to fuzzy thinking and potentially ineffective problem solving.
However, a very interactive family may interrupt without damage to critical thinking and problem solving if they get back on track and carry a topic through to some sense of completion. Interruptions that add to the information needed or develop a topic may be invigorating as long as these interruptions are not a result of one person dominating the discussion.
Topic changes or interruptions which are in the service of keeping one person center stage in the family result in one sided discussions which may meet the need for attention of one family member to the exclusion of staying either on the topic or allowing other members a chance to express themselves.
Pay attention to discussions in your family. Ask yourself and your partner the following questions in relation to childhood family discussions and your own present family?Ts debates:
Do topics reach natural closure or are there abrupt changes in topics that disrupt continuity?
Is there equal air time for all members who have something to say about a topic?
Do people disrupt the flow of conversation through topic changes? distractions? asides that pull attention away from completing thoughts or establishing a plan of action?
Do interruptions abort continuation or closure on the topic, or does someone bring the topic back for completion?
Respect and Positive Regard:
Naturally the more you feel like you matter, the easier the flow of communication in a family. To treat one another with respect for feelings, even when we disagree has clearly obvious benefits. However, less obvious is whether for other reasons, people feel unimportant in the family.
Younger siblings are often the most vulnerable to feeling unimportant in a family because of their developmental limits. For example, everyone else can do certain things, like ride a bicycle, but 3 year old Sam. His older sister Sarah who is 6 has already been to kindergarten and knows hundreds more things than he does. It is very easy for a younger child to see him or her self as not being as valuable a contributor to the family. It is important to identify ways he or she is unique even though they are unable to do as many things as the older members in the family! And it is important to take time to listen to youngsters who do not yet have the vocabularies or speed in self expression that their older sibs enjoy.
Families with one girl and three boys, or one boy and three girls may find that the odd ***ed sibling feels left out, instead of special. Even Moms who have a husband and three sons may feel left out in this way. Did you feel yourself an important member of your family in childhood? Ask your present family members about their sense of importance to the family. Respect for their feelings about their role in the family will be validating.
What is clear from the research is that when the ?ocommunication membranê? is healthy between family members, relationships are more likely to flourish. There is a smoother flow of emotions which may also allow our love to be more fully expressed and received.
It is my hope that this information may assist you on your journey as parents, with one another and with your children. As parents you are the leaders and the best source of authority on your own children and their needs. You are in the best position to know what really works. Whatever your childhood experience, you are the parents now! It is your turn to decide what kind of family you want to make together.

Have fun reading guys and gals
Birth Order Compatibility: Your Best -- and Worst -- Matches for Love
by Dr. Kevin Leman
Did you know that your birth order can affect your relationship? Find out which marriage combinations work best -- and how yours compares -- in this excerpt from "The Birth Order Connection" now.
BEST BIRTH ORDER MARRIAGES
Only child and youngest; first-born and youngest; middle child and youngest: Gender plays a role here as well. If you want the absolute best match, it''s female only or first-born marrying a male youngest child who has older sisters. The last born with older sisters is going to be the sort of person who brings out the maternal instinct in women, and the oldest sister is likely to have great maternal urges. The young man has grown up with girls who have doted on him, cared for him, and generally treated him like one of their cuddly toys. This is the same sort of treatment he seeks in a wife, and the best place he''ll find it is with an oldest sister. The match works both ways. The first-born needs someone to show her pleasures of sunsets, rainbows, and to remind her that it can be fun to let her mind wander and do something crazy or different. The last-born needs someone to show him that while having fun is a wonderful thing, it takes hard work and perseverance to turn those daydreams into reality.

First Born Married To A First Born: Likely high friction. Either butting heads from day one, or falling into a controller-pleaser relationship. Think John McEnroe and Tatum O''Neal, and you''ll have some idea of how difficult it can be to make such a pairing work.
First Born Married To A Middle Child: The danger here is that the middle-born may modify his or her own behavior to please the first-born mate. While the middle makes a good general match for anyone (except, perhaps, for another middle), she may find the first born to be somewhat intimidating and thus need drawing out. If you marry a hard-driving first-born, you may be inclined to give up your own desires and dreams to please your more dominant, first-born spouse. However, if you have last-born tendencies, this can be a very good match for you.
First Born Married To The Last Born: Excellent combination: First-born can teach last-born how to be better organized, and that there are times when life must be taken seriously. The last-born teaches the first-born that it''s okay to have fun once in a while.
What are the worst combinations?
Middle Child Married To A Middle Child: Has the potential to go either way. If one of the middle-borns has first-born tendencies and one has last-born tendencies and traits, this can be a good match.
On the other hand, if both partners are solid, secretive middle-born communication is likely *****ffer -- though you''ll do well compromising to get along and keep the peace. Has the least chance of experiencing marital infidelity.
Middle Child Married to Last Born: Works best if the middle born has some first-born tendencies. If the middle is a true middle, he may find himself pulled into the last-born''s more irresponsible lifestyle, creating the problems seen in a last-born to last-born marriage. If she has last-born tendencies, there could be trouble. If she has first-born traits, then a great match.
Last Born Married To A Last Born: Be careful here. You may have fun, but you''ll also feel like life is getting a little out of control, with nobody in charge. Even last-borns can handle controlled chaos for only so long. WORST FAMILY BLEND
Only-child female and an only-child male: Not only will the two butt heads, but neither will have much of a clue about the other gender.
Female last-born with no brothers and male last-born with no sisters: Not only are you compounding the problems of two last-borns, but neither really knows very much about the opposite *** -- at least in a psychological sense -- and so wouldn''t be particularly understanding and supportive of each other.
*From The Birth Order Connection (Revell, September 2001)

This is definitely worth reading! Fun and entertaining, might be helpful, too.
It''s a little bit long, though. So I''ll cut into 3 parts. This is the first part. I''ll send the rest later.
The Many Moods of Love
BY LEE MILLER
A relationship is a lot like a roller coaster -- there are the intense highs of infatuation but also the "Is he really for me?" lows. Let me tell you how to endure -- and even enjoy -- the ups and downs of couplehood.
It''s easy to assume that a relationship is meant to be a straight line. You start at Point A (falling in love) and giddily sprint toward Point B (blissful coupledom), then finally to Point C (happily ever after). But in reality, every love journey is interrupted every so often when -- bam! -- you hit a rut. Maybe your lust takes a header, or perhaps you start spotting his flaws. Whatever the gripe with your guy and whenever it happens, this shift can make you feel like your relationship has ground to a halt...and cause you to wonder if you''ve hooked up with a guy who''s all wrong for you.
But before you ***ch your previously perfect man, stop and consider this: Relationships are cyclical, and facing downtime isn''t only inevitable, it''s necessary. "When it comes to real love, ups and downs aren''t aberrant, they''re normal," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Everything You Know About Love and *** Is Wrong. "It''s only by moving through these highs and lows of a relationship that you can reach the deepest level of connection and forge a lasting relationship." Here are the phases you can expect to endure and tips on how to come through them as an even more solid couple than before.
A Perfect Peak
Phase One
When you first link up with a new love, it''s as if you''ve been transported to a different world: Planet Utopia, where every joke of his is hysterical, every meal you share is scrumptious and every moment together is miraculous. You don''t sleep much, you can''t think straight and if lust were a commo***y, you could out-trump Trump. This period of infatuation might feel mysterious and mythic, but in fact, it has a strictly scientific explanation: hormones, hormones, hormones.
"When you meet someone you really like, you become infatuated, and your body produces a euphoria-inducing, adrenaline-like hormone," explains Pat Love, author of The Truth About Love. Call it the love buzz: You''re so high on him during the first three to six months of the relationship that you''re in awe of even his most inconsequential quirks, according to Helen Fisher, Ph.D., anthropologist and author of The First ***. (The way he stirs his coffee gives you goose bumps -- sound familiar?) In a recent survey of women in the early dating stage, Fisher found that 84 percent remembered trivial things their guy said or did, and 90 percent of those women daydreamed about the mundane moments.
Maximum momentum move: Live it up! Whether it''s by putting him on a pedestal, having 48-hour ***athons or neglecting your friends and job a bit (and not feeling bad about it), this is your chance to enjoy the excitement and revel in each other. "When Dan and I started dating, we didn''t get much sleep," says Amy*, 25. "But instead of wrecking our *** or intense conversations by worrying about being exhausted at work the next day, we made a pact *****ck it up. It was so worth it."
And although this blissfully intense period must end eventually, you can help to extend it. "Simply recalling the first time you saw him will give you a surge of that initial emotion," says Love. Or keep up your appreciation of his most swoon-worthy qualities by occasionally imagining him being sized up by another woman -- what would she find most attractive about him? "People tend to lose sight of their partners'' best sides, but looking at him from a stranger''s perspective will remind you of what you find amazing about him," explains Paul Coleman, Psy.D., author of 25 Stupid Mistakes Couples Make.
Confronting the Crash
Phase Two
While infatuation-extension tricks can buy you some extra sleep-optional nights and dreamy days, a love lull is inevitable, usually after three to six months of couplehood. The explanation is mostly physiological: Your overtaxed, overhyped brain can''t sustain its amped-up state once its nerve endings become habituated to the infatuation hormone, explains Love. The symptoms of boy burnout: You''re not writing his name in pancake syrup any more, you realize he has an annoying habit (actually several) -- or you find yourself suddenly craving sleep instead of all-night ***.
Maximum momentum move: Don''t freak out...or break up! After the intensity of stage one, it''s natural to come off your high and wonder if he''s the one for you. But rather than second-guessing your guy, realize that this phase is an unavoidable (and likely temporary) stretch on the way to a long-term relationship. So when your lust levels start to dip back toward normal, try not to focus on the letdown but see it as a new opportunity to find out how you click out of the sack, says Coleman. "After months of falling into bed as soon as we saw each other, Tom and I started to lose the urgency," says Amanda, 24. "I was still attracted to him, but *** wasn''t the first thing on my mind whenever I saw him. At first it freaked me out, but then I realized that because we weren''t obsessed with doing it, we had time to discover that we both love blues music, we both hate television sitcoms and a million other little things we never knew we had in common."
So look at the *** slowdown as an opportunity to move your relationship forward. "Once the focus is off lovemaking, you can start to create real intimacy," explains Coleman. "Finding out how he acts in a variety of contexts is the best way to get to know your partner." So move beyond your strictly à deux dates and introduce him to your friends, go out for drinks with his and meet each others'' families. Or see how he fares in your office, as Sandra, 25, did. "Dave and I had been together for five months, and after the initial intensity wore off, I started to wonder if we just weren''t meant to be," she recalls. "Then he suggested meeting for lunch during the week. He met everyone in my office, and I saw a totally new side of him -- I had no idea he would be so confident and charming." And if his quirks still get under your skin after you''ve seen his other sides, look at yourself before criticizing him. "When outside factors like your job or anything else that stresses you out creep back to the forefront of your life, it can reduce your tolerance of him," explains Coleman. And fixing those stressors may be enough for you to be able to cut him some slack...and even learn to love his faults.