Articles on Relationship

Getting Nice and Comfy
Phase Three
Between six months and a year into the relationship, according to Love, you''ll likely find that what once felt like a lull now feels like a comfort zone. Gradually, you go from being bummed that he''s not perfect to feeling good because you''re not either and he doesn''t love you one bit less. From letting him see you in your pj''s to enjoying a Blockbuster night, what used to seem dull now feels divinely cozy.
Maximum momentum move: Once you feel comfortable with each other and confident in the relationship, you should turn back to things that were a priority pre-him. And although establishing a life/boy balance is essential for an extended relationship, putting him on a back burner will spell disaster. "You may become so at ease that you think the relationship will thrive even if you don''t spend as much time together or express your appreciation of each other," says Beatty Cohan, coauthor of For Better, for Worse, Forever. "In fact, not taking this opportunity to really enjoy being yourselves together can doom your relationship."
So take pleasure in comforting him when he''s sick and not stifling the snort in your laugh. Spend the occasional rainy Saturday night in your apartment in sweatpants together. When he comes home from work ragging on his boss, not only can you be there to feel his pain, but by now, you also know exactly where to kiss him to make it feel better. "Sometimes, when I''m exhausted from work, I''ll go over to George''s place, have two glasses of wine and crash," says Eileen, 30. "He loves that he''s the one I want to be with when I''m so spent and that I feel so comfortable with him."
Sinking into Boredom
Phase Four
You''ve established a level of ease and friendship that will endure for the rest of your relationship, but you''re not home-free. Although compatibility is key to a satisfying union, Love explains, you can get too complacent with each other and wonder if you''ve lost your spark forever.
Maximum momentum move: At this stage, boredom happens because you and your man have created a comfort cocoon. It''s likely that you''ve let friends drop out of the picture or you''ve begun to blow off your individual hobbies to spend time together. But by isolating yourselves, you lose an important source of energy for the relationship. "It may not be that your relationship is boring -- you may have become boring," says Coleman.
Luckily, your apathy can be fixed by addressing issues outside the relationship, explains Schwartz. Rather than putting pressure on your guy to crank up the thrill-o-meter, try seeking out kicks on your own and encourage him to do the same. "After a year and a half of dating, I knew Pete and I were solid, but we were starting to feel like an old married couple," says Carmen, 21. "So instead of trying to pretend that we were on a first date, we made a pact to go our own way sometimes. He started playing in a recreational soccer league again; I started reporting as a stringer for the local newspaper. Instead of being bummed that we wouldn''t see each other as much, when we finally did crawl into bed together, we were so glad to be there...and we had so much more to talk about."

Hitting a New High
Phase Five
Once you hit two years and beyond, chances are, you''ll both feel intimately and intricately connected, says Love. Having stuck together through the spates of boredom and other periodic lows, you know from experience that what goes down must come up. So now, more than ever, you''re confident that even a big blowout doesn''t mean a breakup.
Maximum momentum move: Although you can revel in the high that comes from a committed relationship, coasting can kill your hard-won connection. "Taking each other for granted is still a risk," says Schwartz. To avoid letting your love fall apart due to neglect, make sure you always have an aim in sight. "When you''re not working toward a common goal, it''s easy to lose the incentive to stay in the relationship," explains Coleman. The most obvious objective is marriage, but you can also talk about raising a pet or saving for an exotic vacation. "When Rich and I first met, we talked about how we both wanted to live and work abroad one day," says Ellie, 27. "A few years later, we decided to try to make it a reality together -- we both spoke to our bosses, looked in*****bletting our apartment and researched what countries we''d most like to live in. Having a future plan that we were both so excited about not only brought us together, it was a way to make it clear to each other that we were in it for the long haul."
Keep in mind that even the most connected couples repeat the less-appealing phases of the relationship cycle all over again. The good news? Each time you move through the highs and lows of coupledom, Love explains, you reach a deeper level of love. "The ups and downs create an intimacy that energizes you and takes you beyond even the apex of your first falling-in-love buzz."
Irreversible Ruts
How to know when your low point is not just a lull
- You Don''t Share Details
"If you''ve lost interest in what''s happening in your time apart from each other, your connection will unravel, if it hasn''t already," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Everything You Know About Love and *** Is Wrong.
- You''re Resigned to Your *** Rut
"If lovemaking is lackluster or on an extended hiatus and you don''t care about fixing it, you may need to call it quits," says Beatty Cohan, coauthor of For Better, for Worse, Forever.
- You Don''t Bother Fighting
"If you can''t communicate or solve problems effectively, you can''t face the rigors of a long-term relationship," says Cohan.

Q&A : Fun reading
How Long Should I Wait?
Dear Dr. Phil :
I''ve been dating the same man for almost three years. He''s eight years younger than I, but we have a wonderful relationship. Our problem is a common one: I want to get married, and he does not. I feel that marriage could provide some much-needed stability in our lives. I really love him and I know that he loves me. How long should I wait for him to change his mind?

Dr. Phil responds:
First, let me say that I''m not at all sure that you want what you think you do. As the old saying goes, Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it. Let''s face it, it''s tough enough to make it in marriage when one partner doesn''t have to talk the other one into it. Merging two lives is no easy taskâ?"even when both parties are similarly motivated and do not doubt they want to be married. If it takes somebody that long to talk himself into it, it''s probably not the best idea in the world.
Making marriage work is an even shot at best, and you''re heading into it with a couple of strikes against you.
What you really want is a man who wants you as much as you want him. You want a man who will swim a river, climb a mountain, and leap a valley for the privilege of spending the rest of his life with you. It sure doesn''t sound like that''s what you have.
I''m also bothered by your comment that "marriage could provide some much-needed stability in our lives." This tells me that right now there is instability. I would much rather see marriage happen for a couple whose individual lives are stable than for two people who expect to use that trip to the altar to "fix" existing problems.
So the short answer to your question is this: Making marriage work is an even shot at best, and you''re heading into it with a couple of strikes against you. If your lives aren''t working now, you may be building a house on sand. Instead of pondering how long you should wait for him to change his mind, maybe you should change yours. Three years is long enough. He needs to get in or get out, and you need to accept his answer.
Dr. Phil McGraw

"I Love You," The Ace In The Pocket
By Curt Smith


Dear Curt,
My wife has always encouraged me to express my feelings freely. I guess her main goal was to hear me say, "I love you" more often. At first, I felt a little reserved, but I soon realized that there was nothing wrong with expressing my feelings.
I still remember the first time I told my wife that I love her. She had tears running down her cheeks, and seeing her joy made me feel happy in turn, and encouraged me to open up even more.
From that moment on, it was clear that I should make my wife happy every day. I decided to tell her that I loved her as often as possible. Every time I saw her, left her presence, ended a telephone conversation, or made love to her, I would slip in the usual, "I love you."
Lately, however, I''ve noticed that my wife no longer appreciates the three magic words. In fact, it seems that she gets anxious or annoyed every time I say, "I love you" -- especially if it follows a screw-up like leaving the toilet seat up.
What''s wrong here? I don''t think I will ever understand women.- Daniel
The evil words


Ngo oi nei (Cantonese)
Je t''aime (French)
Eu te amo (Portuguese)
Ti amo (Italian)
Kimi o ai ****eru (Japanese)
Ana behebbik (Arabic)
Te amo (Spanish)
Ik hou van jou (Dutch)
Saya cintakan kamu (Malaysian)
Ani ohev otach (Hebrew)
Mein tumse pyar karta hoon (Hindi)
I love you (English)
You get the point. These are the evil words that have brought generations of clueless men worldwide to their demise. Too many gentlemen have used these potentially magical words far too many times, without considering their implications.
I like to refer to these men as Love Preachers; everywhere they go and everything they do involves preaching or singing about how much they love their wife or girlfriend. You know the type: "I love you honey," "I love you more than the whole world," "I love you so much," "I''m so in love with you that I can''t live without you," and "I love you more."
The clueless modern man


Have you ever wondered why it is so instinctively difficult to say "I love you"? There''s a reason for this hesitation, and it''s called your male instinct.
You see, our male ancestor (we''ll call him "Grok") realized that admitting his feelings to a woman (we''ll call her "Jane") was a sign of weakness and dependency. So he chose to show his love for Jane through actions rather than words.
Instead of saying "I love you," he would tell her, "Me Grok like Jane''s walk. Grok give Jane rare rock." And that was that. No questions were asked, no tears were shed, and no one''s face turned red.
Unfortunately, Grok made two critical mistakes. First, he started a tra***ion that evolved from giving a woman a simple rock found on the ground to today''s very expensive, three-month''s salary diamond ring.
The second mistake (due to his lack of communication skills) was that he forgot to explain the purpose of that rare rock to his kids; it was supposed to be a substitute for saying, "I love you" to his wife. So now we''re stuck with giving an expensive rock and expressing our feelings.
So is it our fault that women value rare items?
The female''s values


We, as a society, value rare commo***ies ranging from gold to diamonds. If something is scarce or really hard to come by, we naturally appreciate it more. Women value rare items above all; why do you think that first rock evolved into a sparkling diamond?
It all started when Jane moved into Grok''s **** after he offered her the rock. Brock, the next-**** neighbor also wanted Jane to move into his ****, so he offered her a bigger rock. In order to keep Jane, Grok went hunting for a shinier rock.
This went on for quite a while until Grok finally found the rarest, shiniest rock -- the diamond -- and since this proved to Jane how much Grok loved her, she finally settled down with Grok.

The ace in the pocket


The same applies to saying "I love you." There aren''t many men who realize or appreciate the power of saying "I love you." These three magic words can save your relationship when it hits rock bottom, or can even get you out of trouble when she finds out about Janette (Jane''s descendent and also your mistress).
The secret to keeping I love you powerful and meaningful, is to keep it scarce by rarely using it. If you''re able to exercise control and refrain from abusing the use of I love you, it will be like having an ace in your pocket for when you really need the winning upper hand.
An example may help clarify this point. After two years of constantly telling his wife how much he loves her, a Love Preacher forgets to buy his wife an anniversary gift.
With great guilt, he admits his mistake and preaches his undying love for her. She''ll hear the words, but they won''t fill her with delight. She already knows her husband loves her, and she won''t do cartwheels after hearing how much he loves her for the ten thousandth time.
The husband is now doomed to feel his wife''s wrath as she makes him regret his forgetfulness. For the rest of his life, he will have to make it up to her, as she will constantly remind him of his lack of appreciation: bring out the checkbook buddy, this one''s going to cost you.
On the other hand, had our friend the Love Preacher kept his mouth shut about how much he loved his wife for the past two years, he could have surprised her with his Ace: the three words that she yearned to hear from his mouth -- "I''m sorry I forgot our anniversary, but don''t let that make you doubt how much I love you."
I can guarantee that she''ll completely forget about his mistake and say, "Oh George, you said ''I love you.'' I never heard you say that before!"
a lesson learned


I have learned that "I love you" really means "I choose to act lovingly towards you." In that sense, showing her that you love her through actions is enough. You don''t have to say "I love you" just to prove it; your woman should be able to see your feelings through your actions.
Yet women still want to hear you say "I love you" because by saying those three magic words, you''re acknowledging an attachment to her and dependent need for her. You''ll also be losing valuable points in the Challenge game. You see, not saying "I love you" only adds to the challenge and makes you more desirable to women.
You have to be strong and resist saying those three little words. Don''t worry about scaring her away; you''ll be fine, as long as you show your love through your actions. But save the "I love you" for a rainy day.
So what did you learn? I hope that you won''t use this article as an excuse not to say "I love you." As a reader stated: "I feel that most guys will take your article as an excuse not to take care of a woman''s most basic emotional need, to know how her man feels about her and to hear it. So I say this: it''s okay to say it when you really mean it, but not as a precursor to every word out of your mouth. As with everything, you must find a balance."
Get it on!

I find this article rather interesting ...
Don''t Let Any Woman Test You
By Matthew Fitzgerald















Your relationship with your girlfriend is sailing along -- you''re having fun, there isn''t a lot of fighting, and the *** is good. Everything seems to be working quite nicely.
But then, out of left field, she tosses you a hand grenade: she accuses you of having an affair with the new girl at work. A girl you''ve exchanged maybe ten words with.
After you finish picking your jaw up off the floor, you deny her accusation, but she''s pouty, sullen. "I can''t believe you''re destroying our relationship," she tells you. "What is it? I''m not pretty enough for you anymore?"
Desperate, shaking your head in disbelief, you try to pour oil on troubled waters by apologizing for something you never did in the first place.
But it''s too late. The *** is cut off. And it''s only after innumerable phone calls, flower deliveries, and humiliating begging that you manage to restore harmony.
For something you never did in the first place.
What the hell happened here?
Well, my friend, you were just a victim of "The Test." And you failed it miserably.
the nasty tests women dish


Women are like spoiled children. They are self-focused, insecure and irrational. They crave drama and games. They demand constant attention, reassurance, and above all, power in relationships. And, like children, who ceaselessly push limits to see just how much they can get away with from their parents, women relentlessly test men.
Just how do women test? Here are a few examples:
Canceling or changing plans at the last minute.
Not returning phone calls (even though she''s interested in you).
Finding fault with your clothes, hair, car, etc. and pressuring you to change them.
Pouting when you want to spend time with your buddies.
Bringing up the dreaded "Where do you think this relationship is going?" question.
Acting bratty, bitchy, demanding, dramatic, picky, or manipulative to see if you will put with it.
Testing to see how nice you are (will you back down or change your behavior *****it her?).
Expecting you to ask for permission before doing any "guy stuff."
Blatantly flirting with other men in front of you.
Accusing you of doing things you didn''t do.
Threatening to leave or end the relationship if she doesn''t get her way.
Blaming you when you call her on her behavior.
Making you jump through all sorts of hoops.
Asking "no-win situation" questions ("Does this dress make me look fat?").
Playing hard-to-get -- pretending she''s not interested in you when she really is, and then expecting you to keep pursuing her.
Not answering questions directly/expecting you to be a mind reader and then blaming you when you''re not.
Withholding *** and making you beg for it.
Why women will always test you, and what you can do about it
why do women test men?


"The Test" is all about control. Since women already know they control relationships with ***, they are experts at manipulating men. Their power base is granting and withdrawing attention and access to their "favors" (while making sure they extort a hefty price).
But they need more -- they need to know that their control is absolute. So they test men to see how far they can push them, to see just how much they can get away with. They test to see how insecure men are, to see how desperate they are for *** (to determine how much they can exploit them). They test to see how much they''ve been able to feminize men (for example, forcing them to express emotions) and so make them more controllable.
They test to reassure themselves of their physical attractiveness, to see if they can still wrap men around their fingers with their ***ual power. They test to provide drama in their lives by provoking unnecessary fights and arguments.
Testing is a woman''s way of keeping a man off-balance, of keeping him dancing to her tune like a puppet on a string. This is why, as soon as a man reacts to The Test by getting angry, giving in, or apologizing, he has failed. He''s lost the relationship game and handed over all his male power, forever doomed to be the groveling wuss-boy who will kneel down and take anything his woman dishes out. And she loves it.
Thinking you can''t win? Don''t be so sure.
slam on the brakes


Here are a few tips to put the brakes on her manipulative tests:
1- Develop a test "radar." Be on the lookout for the items in the list above. Remember; it is how a man reacts to a woman''s testing off the bat that will determine the course of the relationship. Once you become aware of what she''s doing, it will be much easier to stop it before it starts.
2- Never get angry at her testing, and never apologize for your behavior (assuming you''ve done nothing wrong) -- if you do, you''ll lose instantly.
3- Test her back! Try using her own tests against her and see how she reacts.
4- Stand your ground at the outset. At the first inkling of a test, put your foot down, and keep it down. Tell her that you refuse to be tested. Explain to her that if she wants to be with you, then she''ll have to knock off the childish power games.
5- When all else fails, walk away. Go out and look for a woman who doesn''t need to test you and who genuinely appreciates you. This is your ultimate power as a man, and the ultimate "pass" of her tests.

don''t get testy


So, guys, watch out for those tests! Remember; in a healthy relationship, you shouldn''t be forced to cater to a woman or coddle her in any way. A woman will try to test you from the first moment you meet her, and the best way to deal with The Test is to stop it before it starts.

Becoming Lovers: When Is the Right Time?
I am in a relationship with a man in the Navy. He has been at sea for four months now, and although we have grown closer over that period of time through letters and phone calls, we were just getting to know each other when he was shipped out. We have not slept together. I deeply care about him and I know that my feelings are reciprocated. My question is, when he is shipped back home, should we sleep together? I feel that this is a relationship with serious potential and I want to prove that I am "good." -- L.

Patti Britton

Dear L:
Thanks for this interesting question. Your circumstances are slightly unusual but your concern is common: When should you decide to break the barrier and become ***ual with someone you are getting to know, like, and have "feelings" for? These are not easy questions, as there is no real rule book to follow. I suggest that you let go of your concern until you are faced with the reality of his return.
First, you may change your feelings for him after time passes and you either get to know him better, or perhaps put yourself in situations where you may meet other men. Although absence can make the heart grow fonder, it can also make the male wander -- or the female. Take your time. Be in the present and let your relationship unfold. Decide when and whether you want to cross over to be lovers once you two have more real time together.
The aspect of being "good" troubles me, as often women are given the message that waiting to become ***ually involved with a lover is a sign of your virtue. ***uality is a natural and healthy part of being human, and expressing that part of yourself is perfectly okay if you are an adult. Your ***uality belongs to you; you have the right and responsibility to choose when, how and whether to express your ***uality as an informed adult, when you are ready to do so.
If you feel unsure, then your mind, heart and/or body is giving you a signal to slow down or take the first exit off this highway. Follow your instincts. Meanwhile, enjoy this evolving friendship and feel all of your feelings. Find an outlet for your erotic feelings and stay alert for any clues about your guy. When he comes back on leave or returns for good, then take it a step at a time. Don''t rush and don''t pressure yourself. Be you!

What happens when our ambitions don''t match?
My boyfriend and I are thinking of getting engaged, but from our discussions of the future, we increasingly seem to be mismatched. I am pretty ambitious and want to work hard to create a good life, including condos, cars, etc. My boyfriend, however, wants a simple life and is satisfied without material rewards. My friends tell me how lucky I am to get such a down-to-earth guy, but I find myself wishing he had more drive in life and ambitions that match mine. I''m tired of being the leader in this relationship. I know we both love each other dearly, but is there really any future for two people with such different outlooks on life? --samy_09

Brenda Shoshanna
Dr. Brenda Shoshanna is a practicing therapist, the author of Zen and the Art of Falling in Love.

Two people can love each other dearly, respect and admire each other and yet not be suited for a marriage. The most important aspect of a good, long-standing marriage is having mutual goals, values and directions. That ensures that the two of you will be moving in the same direction and will be able to offer each other companionship and support (not opposition) along the way.
Many people decide to marry hoping that they will change the person, or that in time, because the person loves them so much, they will decide to change themselves. This seldom happens. Sometimes a person does grow or change, but never because someone else wants them to. Personal growth and development only arise from an individual''s experiences and can take many years to unfold.
To enter marriage -- or any long-term relationship -- with the hope of changing your partner is a great mistake that can cause friction, conflict, and frustration within the relationship and feelings of low self-worth for your partner. When you feel your mate is not the kind of person you want to be with, the other person feels that nothing they do can ever make you happy. But there may be nothing basically wrong with your mate -- just with this particular match. In fact, your mate could very well make someone else quite happy, and you could be satisfied as well with someone who had more of the qualities that you want in a relationship.
What you need and want in a marriage is not there in your present situation. If you realize this now, you will save the both of you a lot of grief and struggle later on. Make sure you let your partner know that this has nothing to do with your love for him but that your life forces are pointed in different directions. There is a beautiful saying that goes, "Love is wanting for the other what he wants for himself, even though you may not be the one able to give it to him."

If You''re Not Assertive, She''ll Dump You
By Curt Smith







Scene 1
She says: So what do you want to do tonight?
He says: I don''t know. What are you in the mood for?
She says: I''m not too sure, you decide.
He says: No you decide, I chose the last time.
She says: Okay, I''ll think about it. (A few moments later) Why don''t we go see a movie?
He says: Nah, I''m not really in the mood for a movie. Why don''t we just stay home tonight or do something else?
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Scene 2
She says: What do you want to eat tonight?
He says: I really don''t care. Whatever you''re in the mood for.
She says: I just don''t have any idea what to cook. Tell me, what are your taste buds drooling for?
He says: I don''t have a preference. Just make whatever is easiest for you, dear.
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Scene 3
She says: I really like this new album by R.E.M.
He says: You think so? I guess it really isn''t that bad.
She says: Actually, if you listen closely, it really isn''t that good. I prefer their last album.
He says: Yes, you are right. It really isn''t that good. How about the new Ozzy album, it really rocks.
She says: Are you kidding me? It sucks!
He says: Yeah? You think? I guess it does.
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Scene 4
He says: Honey, I''m going over to Tim''s place.
She says: What for?
He says: To watch the game, dear.
She says: Well, why don''t you watch it at home?
He says: I don''t know. I guess I want to enjoy the game in the company of my friends.
She says: You don''t like my company?
He says: Of course I do, dear. I love your company.
She says: So watch the game at home with me.
He says: All right, dear.
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Scene 5
He says: I really love mountain climbing.
She says: You''ve got to be kidding. That''s a pointless activity. You should try knitting sometime. Now that''s a useful hobby. In fact, I don''t want you to practice it anymore. It''s too dangerous.
He says: You think so? Well if it makes you happy, then I''ll stop.
you''re boring!


Do any of these statements sound familiar to you? Are you too lazy to make a decision on your own? Could it be that you don''t speak your mind out of fear of being judged? Do you think that you''ll always be on her "good" side by agreeing with her every word?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, then I''ve got news for you. You''re in danger of being labeled what a lot of women accuse their men of being -- too nice or too boring. In other words, you''re a pushover. So before your relationship begins to fall apart, read the following facts about the importance of becoming assertive with your feelings.
It''s time to become the alpha male
The dominant male


You probably think you''re being considerate of your woman''s feelings by agreeing to everything she says. And it might even be acceptable to her in the beginning of the relationship. But as time wears on, she''ll begin to lose interest in you.
No matter how many times you hear feminists say that women are independent and are just as strong as men, women still like to be around spontaneous men who know how to take charge of a given situation. Women feel a sense of excitement around such strong-minded men.
Here are four ways for you to take charge from time to time:
1- Make plans: Women love to make dinner plans with the special men in their lives. Naturally, they expect their men to do the same and plan a spontaneous date (without being asked): it makes them feel special, appreciated and romanced.
2- Be decisive: If you constantly find yourself unsure when it comes to decision-making, your woman will begin to think that you''re not too interested in the relationship, or worse, that you''re not motivated in her presence.
3- Be a challenge: If your woman makes a request that goes against your morals, ideals or personal taste, stand your ground and let her know it.
4- Express your feelings: Every individual has their own opinion. Do not be afraid to express yours -- even if it doesn''t coincide with what your lady has to say. A woman will appreciate a man who stands his ground by expressing his discontentment more so than one who cowardly agrees with everything she says out of fear of being judged.
you''re not a control freak


Just because women like assertive men, doesn''t mean that they want to be controlled. In fact, it''s quite the opposite. Part of being assertive means that you can express your feelings without dictating or forcing others to accept your needs.
It''s important that you feel free to communicate your needs without having to worry about suffering the repercussions from your mate. If your woman says she hates it when you make plans without telling her, it does not mean that she''s trying to control you. All she''s doing is being assertive by telling you something is bothering her.
Now that you know something is bothering her, you can both work together and negotiate on a winning solution that makes both parties happy. If, on the other hand, you snapped at her, then the next time she''ll keep her personal discontent to herself -- until it finally boils over -- and we don''t want that, now do we?
A word of warning


Now that you know why it is important to be assertive in the relationship, it is also essential that you understand the dangers of being too assertive -- especially if you''re with a woman who''s very submissive. If you take charge and become too assertive with your woman, then you might fall into "the dictator trap."
What is the dictator trap?
The dictator trap essentially means that without necessarily wanting to, you might end up making all the plans and decisions within the relationship. Here''s how it starts. In the beginning, you make the decisions first; then you ask your woman to be assertive and give her input. But because she''s a submissive and introverted person, she doesn''t and is content with you making all the decisions.
In order to keep the relationship interesting, you make the plans for her. Eventually you both fall into this comfort zone, where you make all the plans and she goes along with them.
At one point, she will want to make a decision of her own, but because you''ve become so accustomed to making the decisions for her, you''ll end up ignoring her input and then she''ll snap at you for being such a dictator, or a control freak.
In order to avoid falling into the dictator trap, you need to recognize when you''re making all the decisions by yourself, and encourage your woman to take part in the relationship''s "administrative" duties.

The right answers


So now that you''ve become a little more assertive, how would you handle the dialogue introduced to you at the beginning of this courage-building journey?
Scene 1
She says: So what do you want to do tonight?
Your reply: (Women''s level of interest increases with men who like to take charge -- always have a backup plan) Let''s go to dinner. I know this great little trendy Japanese restaurant that makes the best sushi. Maybe afterwards we can go for a ****tail at that lounge you love to hang out at.
She says: Great, I''m so excited.
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Scene 2
She says: What do you want to eat tonight?
Your reply: (With lots of enthusiasm, let her know that you love her cooking) Oh, I''d love to have that grilled salmon with extra garlic that you make so well.
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Scene 3
She says: I really like this new album by R.E.M..
Your reply: (Whether you like it or hate, be honest and let her know what you really think). I''m not too crazy about their new album. Personally, I think it sucks.
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Scene 4
You say: Honey, I''m going to watch the game over at Tim''s place.
She says: What for?
Your reply: Because I enjoy watching the game with my buddies. See you later.
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Scene 5
You say: I really love mountain climbing.
She says: You''ve got to be kidding. That''s a pointless activity. You should try knitting sometime. Now that''s a useful hobby. In fact, I don''t want you to practice it anymore. It''s too dangerous.
Your reply: Well, you don''t know what you''ve been missing. But I promise to be extra careful.
smart timing


It is important to establish from the start that it''s okay to voice your concerns, just like it''s also okay if you and your lady don''t agree on everything. The important thing is that you communicate and reach a win-win compromise that meets both your needs.
If you''ve always been a pushover and you''re looking to be a little more assertive, you''re going to have to take small steps. Otherwise your spouse might not react well to your newfound attitude.
Get it on!

4 Fun Techniques for Improving Your Relationship -- Really!
Want to get closer to your partner? Looking for more fun in your relationship? Why not do both with one of the exercises for couples that Dr. Roger Rhoades, of the ABC Family TV show The Last Resort, uses in his group therapy sessions -- including some of those that were taped for the show. Take a look and try one tonight.
1. Four Truths, One Lie
How to do it: For this exercise, both you and your partner will write down four things about yourselves that are true, and one thing that is a lie, but sounds like the truth. Then exchange lists and have some fun by trying to guess each other''s lie. You might be surprised at how tricky it can be.
Why you''ll like it: You''ll find out how good a liar your partner is. It will also show how good both of you are at distinguishing the truth from a lie. This exercise can lead to a discussion on honesty and distrust in your relationship. It will also create an opening to discuss any of the truths or lies written down.
2. Secret Letter
How to do it: Break out the pen and paper again. Here you''ll each write the secret love/*** letter that you would like to receive from your partner. The letter should say all the things that you fantasize your partner would say to you. When you''ve made it as simple or saucy as you''d like, exchange letters and read them aloud to each other.
Why you''ll like it: It''s ***y -- and it''s the perfect way to find out whether your other half thinks there is anything missing from the relationship. Plus, you''ll also learn more about what really pushes your partner''s buttons. It could lead to increased intimacy both in and out of the bedroom. Not bad, right?
3. Mind Reading
How to do it: This exercise focuses on one question: What would it take to make your partner happy? First, one person writes down what they feel would make their partner happy. When they''re finished, the other partner expresses his or her feelings on the subject out loud. Do they match?
Why you''ll like it: It''ll give both of you an open opportunity to find out how much you really know about each other. Plus, you may end up exploring new ways to follow through and make some of these wishes a reality.

4. Duet -- Karaoke Style
How to do it: Choose a song from your own music collection that most closely expresses your relationship. Then sing this song as a duet karaoke style. Turn down the lights, turn up the volume and just let loose!
Why you''ll like it: You''ll have a great time clowning around, but at the same time the subject of the song chosen will also shed some light on the state of your relationship. Performance issues aside, it will also open the door for a conversation about the song you chose and how it represents the relationship. Can''t decide on just one? Choose as many as you like. The point here is to have fun while learning to look at your relationship in a new way.

This letter comes from a guy who wants to have a relationship with a woman, after being "just friends" for a year. The problem? She has a boyfriend.


Hi Doc,
I''m quite confused and could use your help.
I''ve known and liked Kristen for a year now. She''s beautiful, fun and nice. We were in class and a work group together for a semester at the university we both attend, so the relationship is more like friendship than anything else. I didn''t make any move to ask her out because I''d heard from another female classmate that she had a boyfriend. I didn''t want to cause trouble, so I declined Kristen''s offer when she invited me to spend Thanksgiving with her family. (Was this a stupid move on my part? I hope not.)
After the semester ended, we went out for lunch twice and that''s all. Whenever we were together, I tried to keep the conversation light and funny, as you''ve advised. We still keep in contact, at least sporadically, and recently I learned that she''s in the process of breaking up with her boyfriend. (By the way, I didn''t hear this directly from her, but from other sources.)
I''m not sure how all of this is going to turn out, but Doc, I want to stand a chance with Kristen if she does indeed end up breaking up with her boyfriend. She is a great girl and I miss her. I know you stress the importance of being a Challenge, so I kept my mouth shut and didn''t contact her after hearing the rumors about her and her boyfriend.
any chance she''ll go for me?
Doc, I''ve heard that women don''t generally jump into new relationships immediately after a breakup. Is this true, or just a myth? If it''s true, what''s the turnover time between relationships? Will Kristen think poorly of me if I make a move on her too soon?
I know from your books that I shouldn''t spill my guts and reveal all my feelings to her. So how should I give her the subtle hint that I like her as more than a friend without ticking her off? I guess my real question is; how and when should I make my next move? Thanks, Doc.
McQueen -- who is unsure about what to do next


Hi McQueen,
Jeez, pal -- what in the world are you waiting for? And I don''t mean just with Kristen. Pinch yourself every once in a while to remind yourself that you''re alive! As General Love says, "Take the bull by the horns!"
You need to make a move


But let''s take your concerns one by one. Sadly, declining Kristen''s invitation to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family was a blockheaded move on your part. The general rule is no group dates, and accepting her invitation would have qualified as a group date.
But since you''re "just friends" anyway and you had time to spend with her family, you could have used the opportunity to show her family what a great guy you are, which would have helped you get rid of the turkey she was thinking about dumping! McQueen, this was a big, big blunder!
You say that you and Kristen only went out for lunch a couple of times. Why not three or four times? And why not at night? You should have taken her dancing, so she could get her hands on you -- none of this wishy-washy day-date stuff. It''s a weak way to close the deal!
Now, you shouldn''t be talking to Kristen''s friends about anything having to do with her. All her friends are going to do is twist the truth, and you''re going to end up stabbing yourself in the back. Remember; everybody out there is trying to stop you from getting this girl, so keep your mouth shut!

You do have willpower


Your restraint has been quite admirable, McQueen. As a matter of fact, your non-aggression would be the envy of the Dalai Lama. But for anything significant to happen with Kristen now, she has to contact you. And if and when that happens, the first thing you''ve got to do is ask her out!
You have to move out of this "friendship" role you''ve assumed and take her out when the sun''s down, make her laugh, and make sure she has a great time. And if she never contacts you, McQueen, then she never really liked you in the first place.
So the upshot of your impasse, McQueen, is that you''ve got to move from the friendship plane to the dating plane. You''ve been playing the role of friend too long. That''s why, even though she had a boyfriend, you should have asked for her home phone number. And if she had said no, you should have given her yours, and told her "As soon as your boyfriend is circling in the sink, call me -- I''ll be your quality backup," and walked away with a smile.
You''re a sitting duck


You ask whether females jump directly into another relationship after breaking up a longstanding relationship. The answer depends on how high her Interest Level in that ex-boyfriend was. But the general rule is that they go through a few guys before getting involved again, and the first guy usually doesn''t keep her. Recently single women usually have their ducks lined up in a row -- they''re not sitting around staring at the four walls.
Your waiting around has to stop. Ask yourself this: Is Kristen waiting around for you? And while you''re waiting around, why aren''t you lining up other dates? You should always assume the worst is going to happen, even though you maintain a positive attitude. After all, dating is a numbers game. You might have to go through 99 women before making a sale. Why are you waiting for this girl? This is your life, man!
Be direct


McQueen, there are no subtle hints to be given. The way you show a woman you like her is by being respectful, considerate, keeping your hands to yourself, and not looking at other women while you''re out on a date with her. But what''s really disturbing, McQueen, is that you never once mentioned her Interest Level in you. Can you name one thing that she''s ever done to show that she has any type of real interest in you?
Finally, you want to know when you should make your next move. McQueen, you never even made your first move! When Kristen calls or e-mails you, just say, "I want to take you out on a date Thursday." When you say the word "date," she''ll know exactly what that means, in no uncertain terms. There''ll be no need for trying to pass subtle hints. If she tries to back you off or refuses, it means that a) she''s not ready, or b) you were never in the ballgame anyway.
Either way, you can''t keep waiting around. The idea of closing a deal is to close ASAP. You''re spending too much time on this girl, and you''re spending too much time in your head.
Remember guys; only analyze the girl''s Interest Level.