Articles on Relationship

Communication: "Why didn''t you tell me?"
by Debby Kavanah
Have you ever noticed how many relationships fall apart, and how many marriages end in divorce? Have you ever tried to figure out why? If we exclude the possibility that most of us are surrounded by social misfits, what''s left are a lot of loving, caring relationships that have quietly unraveled.
It is possible, I suppose, that these normally nice, sane folks have been invaded by aliens and are, therefore, not really aware of their own actions; but perhaps the problem is a bit simpler. It''s possible these couples just didn''t listen to each other.
Sometimes, all it takes to keep a family or a friendship together is just to keep both sides from going deaf. No, not the kind of deaf that involves the use of sign language. I mean the kind of deafness that is inevitably followed by such phrases as "Why didn''t you just say so?" or "Why didn''t you tell me?" Funny, how such a simple sentence can turn a normally rational adult, into a seething, explosive volcano looking for a place to erupt.
Now, if you''re a person who uses these lines often, the odds are good that you''ve already stopped reading, and are barely just skimming this article, but WAIT!
Take this simple test first. It could change your life.
Replay, in your head, the last conversation you had with your partner.
Now, go back and think about how many seconds elapsed between the time that the other person finished their sentence, and the time you began your response.
Rate yourself as follows:
A - More than twenty seconds...Maybe you ought to add more caffeine to your diet.
B - Between five and ten seconds... Great! That''s just about the time needed for a person to process incoming information, formulate a response, and deliver it coherently.
C - Less than five seconds... Not so great. You probably miss out on some important information.
D - Immediately... Poor, because you''ve started to formulate your answer BEFORE the other person was done speaking, which means that you missed" much of the information that was given to you.
E - I don''t know. But, I am going to be conscious of it in my next interaction.
Listening is important factor in communication skills. Commit time today to listen to your loved ones.

3 Communication Pitfalls to AvoidBy Dr. Brenda Shoshana
What are the secrets of effective communication? How do we truly get what we want while also giving our partners what they need? Let''s look at the top three communication problems that most couples have -- and see how they can be solved right here.


Pitfall 1: Communicating to Manipulate
Sometimes we communicate solely for the purpose of getting what we want, when we want it, whether the other person is able to give it or not. We sulk, pout, threaten, cajole or do whatever we can to make the other person feel bad. This kind of communication, however temporarily effective it may be, has a terrible effect on the long-term health of any relationship. Give it up. Respect what the other person has to offer. If they cannot give what you want to you, see if you can give it to yourself.

Pitfall 2: Communicating to Deceive
Needless to say, this is one of the most dangerous kinds of communication, one that destroys many relationships. Lies, exaggerations, games and general deceptions all cause confusion and pain. They shake the very foundation of the relationship and eventually cause a deep breach in trust. Be conscious of the danger of this and stop it before it starts. If this is something that sounds familiar to you, address it in your own behavior first. When you are honest and forthright, you will no longer be willing to accept deceit from others. You will have integrity in your relationships, and a sharp eye.

Pitfall 3: Communicating with Double Messages
Double messages -- saying one thing and doing another -- are a very prevalent form of deceit. This can also take the form of promising something, either with actions or words, and not delivering. Double messages cause a great deal of confusion. Always pay attention to a person''s actions. They are more aligned with the truth than their words. If their words contradict what they''re doing, ignore what is being said. Understand that the person is conflicted and split within themselves, and don''t allow them to make you feel that way as well.

Have Men Stopped Believing In Love?
By Andre Cross

Love has become a four-letter word. It''s one of the most overused, under-appreciated, misunderstood words in the English language. Nowadays, the image of love seems more like a 7/11; a convenience store on the road of life, designed to provide satisfactory feelings without too much effort, rather than the classic sentiment associated with fairytales like Cinderella.
What am I talking about? I''m talking about how we''ve changed the definition of love. It has become an all-encompassing term used to describe virtually any relationship we are in, even if it is one void of any deep emotional connection.
Setting for less


The subject really began to intrigue me when a guy I recently met revealed that his relationship of six years was little more than a bad habit; an empty shell of what was once a great relationship. When I asked him why he was still with her, all I got was a shrug of the shoulders and a futile attempt at explaining (more like justifying) his decision. She even cheated on him, and he took her back. Why stay with her? Because it was "good enough."
Thus began a soul-searching journey into the subject of love, and why men in general have given up on finding real love.
When did we stop believing in love? Actually, a more appropriate question is -- when did the word love carry the same connotation as fantasy and fairytale? And when I refer to love, I''m referring to real love, the kind of love you''d give up your soul -- and your left arm for. Have we become so shallow and jaded as a society that we instantly dismiss the notion of falling in love as a story from our grandparents'' time?
Love and lust


There are plenty of couples that love each other; it''s a normal, natural emotion that exists when one spends a considerable amount of time with another. But time makes us love someone; being in love is a whole other story. You can love your sister, your mother, your brother, your friends (though you''ll never admit to that one unless you''re under the influence), but you can only be in love with a woman that sets your heart on fire.
Unfortunately, nowadays we easily confuse the concept of love with attraction. Men, apparently pigs by nature (even I, Mr. Sensitive, must admit to falling prey to the curse of lust), tend to think a good time in bed equates love. Actually, allow me to correct myself: a good time in bed and remembering her name can be mistaken for love. But deep down, men are as skeptical about love as they are about a phone call claiming a free prize if they would only reveal their cre*** card number.
Men often get together and devise plans on how to seduce as many women as possible. It''s not that we do it on purpose -- actually the Discovery channel even revealed that it''s part of our genetic makeup -- but the truth is that men are bitter creatures. Contrary to popular opinion (or any football movie you''ve seen), the male ego is as fragile as a Faberge Egg.
When did we stop believing?


We are not born bitter; we become bitter, more likely after a sour relationship that left a bad taste in our mouths. We were all optimists once, believing that we only date women we are in love with, but we quickly came to terms with reality. If the love you had has become a fleeting emotion, it was never really love to begin with. And what happens? We stop believing it ever really existed.
End result? We stay in a relationship that can be summed up as good enough. In other words, it has enough elements to justify continuing the relationship despite the fact that we don''t have a sparkle in our eyes when we talk about her, and our hearts don''t skip a beat when she calls. Basically, we stay in relationships for too long, even though there isn''t an iota of passion. Are we so afraid of being alone that we would sacrifice something that would obviously make us happy, for a person we merely get along with?
Do you even know what passion is?
The passion test


Passion. Isn''t that a word in the dictionary? Isn''t it a powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger? Isn''t it something that Romeo and Juliet had? How many of us have ever felt it? Not many. Remember; I''m talking about passion, not lust.
Passion expresses itself in the weirdest of ways, but it can be summarized like this: If you tremble when you are close to her, then you are feeling the effects of passion (unless you are just an incredibly shy guy). If you get into a fight, say the cruelest things in the world, and end up sharing a kiss that could make the world stop, then passion is there.
If your goodbye kisses are but simple pecks on the cheek or lips, devoid of any emotion, then your relationship has no passion. If you can sleep well at night, despite having had a major fight with your significant other, then passion is non-existent.
Unfortunately, passion isn''t something we can pick up at the nearest convenience store; it''s either there or it''s not. And since few of us have ever experienced passion, we don''t believe it exists. People who are passionate love hard, hate hard, and have a joy for living that others can only sit back and envy.
All you need is love


On that note, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that true love does exist; the bad news is that it is as unlikely to occur as seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone appear in a remake of Thelma & Louise.
The Beatles had a moderately successful career (an understatement, if there ever was one) singing about love, as almost every one of their tunes broached the subject and became a Top 10 hit. Did they know something we didn''t, or were they referring to it in the same way New Age artists refer to the mythical rising Phoenix?
Of course not. The lesson we have to take from this is simple: love is out there, somewhere in this dark, lonely world, but don''t bet the farm on finding it.
You can''t go around looking for love, it just happens the same way you reach puberty: unexpectedly and painfully. Almost everyone who has fallen in love (again, I''m referring to the I''d give up my right kidney for it kind of love) has said it came out of the blue, having caught them off-guard. You can find it today, or it''s possible that you missed it yesterday.
Everyone falls in love at least once in their lives; before they become bitter, divorced, and join support groups. Too often, it happens when they are too young to realize its grace and beauty, and before they become suspicious of anything that seems too good to be true.
Everyone''s a critic


Am I being too cynical? Yes, I am, but I have reason to be. Just ask those closest to you whether they are deeply in love, and you''ll be surprised by the answer. We''ve become an almost loveless, ***-crazed society with no concern for any significant amount of emotional investment or attachment -- but there is hope.
The hope I have (and yes, this is a stretch) is that the men and women in this world stop trapping themselves in loveless, lifeless relationships. I hope they refuse to engage in any kind of relationship in which they do not wish to spend every living, breathing moment next to the person they are passionate about.
Right.
What I said has about as much chance of happening as squirrels do of landing on the moon. However, if you are in a relationship that doesn''t bring you happiness, be a man and end it. Yes, I know the steady dose of *** is hard to give up, but have some self-respect boys. At least stop fooling the other person.
Six signs that you''re really in love with the one you''re with
6 signs you''re in love


So how do you know that Cupid was up to his old tricks again? Beyond feeling like a bumbling idiot when talking about the object of your affection, here are six signs that you''re feeling the Big L. Those who are allergic to sappy items, please do not read on; it''s gonna to get messy.
1- You want to be nice
In short, you want to be a better man. The sarcasm dies down, the snide remarks take a vacation, and you start smiling all the time.
2- You feel complete
You start to feel that this person understands you like no one has before, and you start having visions of your children in her eyes. Yes, you feel like Tom Cruise did when he uttered the words, "You -- complete -- me."
3- The damn radio sings to you
All of a sudden, even Phil Collins starts to make sense. You listen to songs differently and begin to understand their significance in a way you never thought possible. The worst is yet to come: when Celine Dion comes on, you don''t turn the dial -- okay, maybe that''s a stretch.
4- You feel pain when you''re not with her
Your heart beats quickly all day, and you find every excuse in the world to blow off your buddies and see her. The longing to be with her is almost like a drug. This is where you start doodling her name everywhere.
5- You think about her all the time
The time that isn''t spent thinking about her is spent on sports, food and *** (with her, of course).
6- You lose your head
Suddenly, everything else becomes secondary to her, and you start doing crazy things you never thought you would do. This is when you are likely to buy a Celine Dion album; scary thought, isn''t it?
Laugh all you want, but deep down, men really want to feel this way (minus the Celine Dion part). For those lucky enough to experience it, put a sign on your shirt so the rest of us can point at you and say, "If he can do it, I can too."
And if you want the ultimate test of whether you are in love or not, just remember:
Real love will devastate you.
If love does not shatter you,
you do not know love.
-Anonymous

The 9 Secrets of Happy Couples
Loving couples: In a world where 40 percent of marriages end in divorce, you can''t help but notice them. There they are, finishing each other''s sentences or laughing in some dusky corner of a Chinese restaurant. They seem so wonderfully in sync, and they make the work of being a couple seem effortless. Of course, no intimate relationship ever is, especially once you factor in life''s built-in pressures, like work deadlines, laundry, and your daughter''s orthodontist appointments.
But, says Jane Greer, Ph.D., Redbook Online''s resident ***-and-relationships expert, there are certain core values that make some marriages more intimate and resilient than others. You could probably predict the list: trust, mutual respect, commitment, and a strong sense of "we" in the relationship. What is surprising, experts point out, is that when you ask loving husbands and wives about the key to their devotion, over and over you''ll hear the same things, specific habits that mirror these values. Learning these secrets can make your marriage closer too.

1. They use terms of endearment
Sure, you may find it cloyingly sweet when you overhear other couples talking like 2-year-olds, but endearments are actually a sign of a healthy rapport.
"Pet names take you back either to the happy childhood you had or the one you wish you had," says Manhattan-based family therapist Carolyn Perla, Ph.D. "They signal a safe, supportive environment." Also, these days, when we''re stretched to the limit trying to juggle jobs and kids, "pet names give us the chance to let down our guard, to be vulnerable and childlike. And they make us feel close to one another." These same feelings of intimacy can also come from using a special tone of voice with each other, sharing silly "inside jokes," or pet-naming your spouse''s intimate body parts. The point is to connect with some private message system that''s meaningful to you alone, as a couple -- not to the outside world. "This type of playfulness is a statement that you''re feeling comfortable with each other and with the relationship," says Dr. Perla.

2. They do stuff together
When that pheromone-crazy feeling of falling in love passes and happy couples no longer spend all day in bed, they look outward. They start businesses, refinish the attic, or take up cooking together.
Of all the variables in a relationship -- from commitment to communication -- the amount of fun couples have together is the strongest factor in determining their overall marital happiness, according to a landmark study by Howard Markman, Ph.D., codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. Time spent playing together, says Dr. Markman, is an "investment in the relationship"; it provides a relaxed intimacy that strengthens the bond between two people. So even if your life is impossibly frantic, make the time for play. And do all you can to eliminate distractions. Leave the kids with a sitter, ***ch the beeper and cell phone. The activity doesn''t have to be anything elaborate or costly. Exercising together, browsing in antiques stores, or renting a classic movie can help bring the two of you closer.

3. When the going gets tough, they don''t call Mom or Dad
The first task facing all young couples is separating from their families of origin, points out San Francisco-area-based family researcher Ju***h Wallerstein, Ph.D. This doesn''t mean you shouldn''t go home for the holidays. But if there''s a crisis over whether to have a second child or relocate for a new job, or even if there''s good news about a big raise or the results of a medical test, the couple should talk about it together first before dialing Mom. "You wouldn''t believe how many people who are getting divorced say to me, ''She was never mine,'' or ''His mother always came first,''" Dr. Wallerstein observes.

4. They stay connected to their parents
This doesn''t contradict No. 3: You can talk with your mom every day and still be clear about where your attachment to her ends and your love for your mate begins.
"Staying connected to parents, siblings, cousins, and the like can be excellent for a marriage because it gives a sense of family continuity," says Dr. Greer. "It generates positive feelings, especially when you incorporate your spouse into that family. You''re sharing that part of you with each other."

5. They don''t nickel-and-dime about chores
It''s no secret that most wives continue to do more in the housekeeping and child-rearing departments than their husbands. Still, when partners become double-entry bookkeepers, adding up every dish washed and every diaper changed, they may be headed for trouble.
"Most couples think they should strive for a relationship that''s 50-50," observes Dr. Perla, "but the fact is, they should each give 150 percent. In good relationships, couples give everything they can. They don''t nickel-and-dime each other, and they respect that each person gives different things."

6. They fight constructively
There''s fighting and then there''s fighting. When couples start yelling and throwing things, when they dredge up every single complaint they''ve ever had (or "kitchen-sinking," as marital experts typically call it), you can be sure that they won''t be celebrating their silver anniversary together. "Studies show that the way couples handle conflict is the most important factor in determining whether or not they stay together," observes Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D., a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Vermont. "Happy couples have learned the art of constructive arguing," says Dr. Markman, whose research has demonstrated that it''s possible to predict whether or not a couple will divorce after watching them argue for 10 or 15 minutes. In strong marriages, he says, the partners take control of their disagreements by establishing ground rules. They may, for example, call a mutually agreed-upon time-out if the conflict is escalating and unproductive, agreeing to continue the discussion after a cooling-off period. They also truly listen to each other and won''t prematurely try to solve the problem before they''ve heard each other out. Above all, no matter how angry they get, they don''t resort to name-calling and insults -- key danger signs, says Dr. Markman.