Book-a-minute Classics

Don Quixote
By Cervantes
Ultra-Condensed by Scott Kvizdos​

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Don Quixote:
Chivalry demands I destroy that evil thing.
Sancho Panza:
No, master. It is something ordinary and harmless.
Don Quixote
(falls down)




THE END

Jane Eyre
By Charlotte Bronte
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
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(People are MEAN to Jane Eyre.)


Edward Rochester:
I have a dark secret. Will you stay with me no matter what?
Jane Eyre:
Yes.
Edward Rochester:
My secret is that I have a lunatic wife.
Jane Eyre:
Bye.
(Jane Eyre leaves. Somebody dies. Jane Eyre returns.)




THE END

The Red Badge of Courage
By Stephen Crane
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
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The Young Soldier:
I want to be a hero, but I'm scared.
(He gets hit in the head.)

Now I am marked a hero, but I don't deserve it.
(He becomes a hero.)

Now I have truly earned my "red badge of courage."




THE END

A Christmas Carol
By Charles Dickens
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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Ebenezer Scrooge:
Bah, humbug. You'll work thirty-eight hours on Christmas Day, keep the heat at five degrees, and like it.
Ghost of Jacob Marley:
Ebenezer Scrooge, three ghosts of Christmas will come and tell you you're mean.
Three Ghosts of Christmas:
You're mean.
Ebenezer Scrooge:
At last, I have seen the light. Let's dance in the streets. Have some money.




THE END

David Copperfield
By Charles Dickens
Ultra-Condensed by David Yuds
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David Copperfield:
Woe is me. My life is nought but hardships.
Agnes Wickfield:
Survive. I love you, David Copperfield.
David Copperfield:
Thank you. I love Dora Spenlow.
Agnes Wickfield:
I still love you, David Copperfield.
David Copperfield:
I love you, Agnes Wickfield.




THE END

Great Expectations
By Charles Dickens
Ultra-Condensed by Conrad Jacoby
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Pip:
I'm Pip. I'm poor.
(Lots of THINGS happen.)

Pip:
My life didn't matter, because I'm still poor and alone.




THE END

A Tale of Two Cities
By Charles Dickens
Ultra-Condensed by Liz Coppla
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Doctor released,
Marquis deceased,
Darnay acquitted,
Monarchy submitted,
Marriage announced,
Darnay denounced,
Places are switched,
Blades are twitched,
Seamstress cries,
Carton dies.


THE END

Crime and Punishment
By Fyodor Dostoevsky
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard
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Raskolnikov:
I'm so extraordinary, I can commit crimes. (kills some people)
Sonia:
I'm the spiritual side of Raskolnikov.
Porfiry:
I'm the intellectual side of Raskolnikov.
Raskolnikov:
I have reconciled the two sides of my personality, represented so well by Sonia and Porfiry. (confesses)




THE END

Faust
By Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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Faust:
I'm a symbol of humanity. (tries to kill himself)
Mephistopheles:
I'm the devil. (does evil)

Faust:
Devil, let's make a deal.
(They do, but it goes BAD.)

Faust:
This sucks. Devil, fix things.
Mephistopheles:
Uh, I can't. Uh. You have to go seek the mysterious underworld beings called the "Mothers" who have the power to help you. Yeah. That's it.
(Faust DIES and lives HAPPILY EVER AFTER, because Mephistopheles was too busy picking up CHICKS.)




THE END

The Scarlet Letter
By Nathaniel Hawthorne
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
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Evil Puritanical Society:
Because you have committed adultery, you must wear an 'A'. Harlot! Harlot!
Hester Prynne:
...
(The Evil Puritanical Society SNUBS Hester Prynne.)

Hester Prynne:
...
(They call her NAMES.)

Hester Prynne:
...
(They won't let her play any Evil Puritanical Society GAMES.)

Reverend Dimmesdale:
I can't take it anymore. I did it.




THE END

A Farewell To Arms
By Ernest Hemingway
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
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Frederic Henry:
I'm separated from my true love in World War I Italy.
Catherine Barkley:
Here I am. Let's hide in Switzerland, whoops, (dies).
Frederic Henry:
War has made me cynical.




THE END

The Old Man and the Sea
By Ernest Hemingway
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker
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An old man catches a fish that's too big for his boat. The fish gets eaten by sharks. Then he goes home and DIES.





THE END

The Snows of Kilimanjaro
By Ernest Hemingway
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
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Ernest Hemingway:
If you're a writer, make sure you write things, because otherwise you might die, and then you won't get to write anything.




THE END

The Sun Also Rises
By Ernest Hemingway
Ultra-Condensed by Michelle Hansard
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Stock Hemingway Narrating Character:
It was in Europe after the war. We were depressed. We drank a lot. We were still depressed.




THE END

The Odyssey
By Homer
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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Odysseus:
I rule.
Poseidon:
For your sin of pride, I curse you for all eternity.
(Unfazed, Odysseus boards his ship and sets SAIL for Greece, where his family is awaiting his RETURN from Troy. A STORM happens, and it drives them off course into the ME***ERRANEAN, where they come upon a strange LAND owned by the giant Cyclops POLYPHEMUS who eats some of the men ALL UP, but then they ESCAPE. Still lost, they run into the island of the sorceress CIRCE who turns some of Odysseus' men into ANIMALS, and it takes YEARS before they escape, and then they sail by some singing SIRENS, but they can't hear because they have STUFF in their ears. Then they come upon an island where there is a field of HERBS, and they all get HIGH, until Odysseus says it's time to GO. Then Odysseus' men let a WIND out of a BAG, and some more men DIE. And they sail on to HADES to talk to some DEAD people, and some more men DIE. And they steer the ship between the six headed monster SCYLLA and the torrential whirlpool CHARYBDIS, and Scylla makes some more men DIE, and Charybdis makes the rest of them DIE. Then the ship busts up into a JILLION pieces, but Odysseus is SAVED by the nymph Calypso who confines him to her ISLAND because she thinks he's HOT, and she wants his BODY. Then years later she lets him GO, but Poseidon is determined to terrorize him FURTHER. And then SUDDENLY Odysseus has an IDEA.)

Odysseus:
Poseidon, I am sorry.
Poseidon:
Ok, you can go home now.
(Odysseus goes home.)





THE END

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
By Ken Kesey
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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Nurse Ratched:
I destroy my patients psychologically so I can have power and control.
Randall P. McMurphy;
But freedom and happiness are good things.
Nurse Ratched:
Lobotomy time for you, buster.
(McMurphy DIES but inspires HOPE so OTHERS may LIVE.)




THE END

Moby Dick
By Herman Melville
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
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Ishmael:
Call me Ishmael.
Captain Ahab:
Crew, we will seek the white whale and kill it, because I am insane.
Crew:
Alas, your destructive obsession will be our undoing.
(They almost find the white whale. Then they almost find the white whale. Then they find it.)

Captain Ahab:
I stab at thee. I stab at thee.
(Everybody dies except Ishmael, although this is no surprise, because it was foreshadowed CONTINUALLY from the BEGINNING.)




THE END

Animal Farm
(snobby version)
By George Orwell
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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Old Major, the Pig:
Let us overthrow the depraved czar, Farmer Jones, a symbol of a feudalist government that falls into moral ruin by its own excess and corruption. (dies)
Napoleon, the Pig:
Yes, let us indeed overthrow the human oligarchy as Karl Ma--uh, Friedrich Enge--uh, Wladimir Iljitsch Leni--uh, Old Major said.
Snowball, the Pig:
Yes. I'll lead the defense, unwary that you, like the other Napoleon, are pulling a strategic Stalinesque maneuver by using our revolution as a means to set up your own cruel totalitarian empire. I'm a regular Leo Dawidowitsch Trotzky!
(Napoleon sicks his pack of secret police dogs on Snowball, and they EXILE him.)

Sheep:
See how easily we, the blind followers of our leaders, ignore the facts and are swayed into loyalty by the pushing of emotional buttons? Four legs good. Two legs baaaad.
Rats and Rabbits:
Can we, the Menscheviki, be comrades too?
Moses, the Raven:
Take comfort in what I, a symbol of the Orthodox Church, say. When you die, you'll go to the glorious Sugarcandy Mountain. So there's no need for revolution after all.
Squealer, the Pig:
Go away, opiate of the people. Like Goebbels, the German minister of propaganda, I have a much greater hold on the people than you do.
Pigeons:
Let's be the message carriers of communism and spread the doctrine of the revolution far beyond the physical boundaries of our regime.
Boxer, the Horse:
Napoleon is always right. Like the Russian working class, I am convinced of the necessity of our revolution, firmly devoted to its cause, and work hard for my leaders.
Napoleon, the Pig:
Good horse, Boxer. We need more animals like you.
Boxer, the Horse:
I'm old now. At long last, I have reached retirement age. Now I can rest peacefully while Napoleon takes care of me.
Napoleon, the Pig:
Think again, you lazy oaf. (sells Boxer for glue)
(The animals destroy the windmill in an action symbolic of the failure of the Five Year Economic Plan. Then the pigs turn into humans. Thus ends this dystopian fable on totalitarianism.)




THE END


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Animal Farm
(stupid version)
By George Orwell
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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Some pigs lead a revolt against people, act like jerks, and play poker.




THE END

The Collected Work of Edgar Allan Poe
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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Some Guy:
Oh no. I'm buried alive!
Narrator:
I died.
Raven:
Nevermore.




THE END

Hamlet
By William Shakespeare
Ultra-Condensed by Adrien Arnold
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Hamlet:
Whine whine whine...To be or not to be...I'm dead.




THE END

****** Caesar
By William Shakespeare
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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Caius Cassius:
Brutus, we're plotting to kill your best friend Caesar. Wanna help?
Marcus Brutus:
Because I love Rome more, I will.
(They all stab Caesar.)

****** Caesar:
Et tu, Brute? In that case, I'd better die. (dies)
(The nation mourns, and everybody commits suicide.)




THE END

A Midsummer Night's Dream
By William Shakespeare
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard
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Hermia, Lysander, Demetrius, and Helena:
We're all in love with each other the wrong way around.
(Everyone goes into the woods. They have wacky experiences, pair off correctly, and live happily ever after.)




THE END

Othello
By William Shakespeare
Ultra-Condensed by Ric F. Barker
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Iago:
Your wife's cheating on you.
Othello:
She is? (kills wife) Damn, she wasn't really.




THE END

Richard III
By William Shakespeare
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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Edward Four:
I'm dying.
Richard Three:
Hurray!
(Richard Three KILLS and MARRIES. And he keeps KILLING and MARRYING until it makes him KING.)

Ghosts:
Behold how foreboding we art.
Richard Three:
(dies)




THE END

The Taming of the Shrew
By William Shakespeare
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
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Katharina:
Spit. Hiss.
Petruchio:
Shut your mouth before I hit you.
Katharina:
I can be civilized now that a man has bossed me around. I love you madly, Petruchio.




THE END

The Tempest
By William Shakespeare
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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Prospero:
Ariel, help me strand my enemies on my magic island.
(Prospero and Ariel use their magic to trap his enemies and exact revenge.)

Prospero;
That's enough. Enemies, I forgive you all, and one of you can marry my daughter. I'm going home.




THE END

Frankenstein
By Mary Shelley
Ultra-Condensed by Faron P. Cedotal
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Walton:
Dear Elizabeth: My ship picked up this guy. He RULES.
Frankenstein:
I discovered the secret of life, and everyone died. (dies)
Frankenstein's Monster:
Inexplicably, I have become suicidal. (jumps out a window)




THE END

The Jungle
By Upton Sinclair
Ultra-Condensed by Ross Loomis
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Bad things happen. Worse things happen. Better things happen. Awful things happen. Jurgis discovers socialism and gets all happy.





THE END

The Oedipus Trilogy
By Sophocles
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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Prophecy:
Laios and Iocaste, your son will kill his father and marry his mother.
Laios and Iocaste:
Let's kill it.
Prophecy:
Oedipus, you will kill your father and marry your mother.
(Oedipus runs away and fulfills the prophecy.)

Everyone:
Woe are us. (die)




THE END

The Grapes of Wrath
By John Steinbeck
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
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Tom Joad:
Our farm has been taken away. Let's go to California.
(They do. On the way, there are calamities, and people DIE, because this is the Great Depression when times were HARD, and it was a struggle just to hold on to one's DIGNITY.)




THE END

Of Mice and Men
By John Steinbeck
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
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George:
Lennie, this is our big chance. Don't be stupid.
Lennie:
I love petting purdy things.
(Lennie kills stuff by accident. George shoots his dog.)




THE END

Gulliver's Travels
By Jonathan Swift
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
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(Gulliver visits some places.)


A Lilliputian:
We're small.
A Brobdingnagian:
We're big.
A Horse:
We can talk.
(Gulliver goes home.)

Gulliver:
Humanity sucks. I hate people.




THE END

Walden
By Henry David Thoreau
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
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Henry David Thoreau:
A truly rich man doesn't have money but rather courage, truth, and an inner glory that transcends the passiveness of our physical beings. That's why I'm going to live in the boonies.
(Two years later...)

I'm getting the heck out of here and getting my pencil-making job back. Um. But what I said still goes.




THE END

Anna Karenina
By Leo Tolstoy
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
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Anna Karenina;
I am having an affair with Count Vronsky.
Alexey Karenin;
I can only forgive you if you die afterward.
Anna Karenina and Count Vronsky;
Then the cruel double standard of upper class Russian society shall have to tear us apart.
(It does.)




THE END

Huckleberry Finn
By Mark Twain
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker
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Huckleberry Finn:
(Goes rafting. Goes home.)




THE END

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I've seen few movies and read some of these plays/novels. The movies were a bit different at the ends.
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