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Habit 5
Habit 5 is powerful because it focuses on your circle of influence. It''s an inside out approach. You are focusing on building your understanding. You become influenceable, which is the key to influencing others. As you appreciate people more, they will appreciate you more.
Opportunities to practice this habit proactively occur every day with your co-workers, customers, friends, and family.
When we really deeply understand each other, we open the door to creative solutions and third alternatives. Our differences are no longer stumbling blocks to communication and progress. Instead they become the stepping stones to synergy.
Synergize
Principles of Creative Cooperation

Habit 6
The exercise of the other habits prepares us for synergy.
Synergy means the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. The relationship which the parts have to each other is a part in and of itself - the most empowering, unifying and exciting part.
The essence of synergy is to value differences - to respect them, to build on strengths, and to compensate for weaknesses. The way to achieve synergy is through the creative process, which is terrifying, because you never know where the creative process will lead you.
Synergistic Communication
Synergistic communication is opening your mind and heart to new possibilities. It may seem like you are casting aside "beginning with the end in mind," but you are actually fulfilling it by clarifying your goals and discovering better ones.
Almost all creative endeavors are somewhat unpredictable, and unless people have a high tolerance for ambiguity and get their security from integrity and inner values, they find it unpleasant to be involved in highly creative enterprises.
By taking the time to really build a team, creating a high emotional bank account, the group can become very closely knit. The respect among members can become so high that if there is a disagreement, there can be a genuine effort to understand.
High trust leads to high cooperation and communication. The progression of communication is defensive (win or lose/win), to respectful (compromise), to synergistic (win/win). Synergistic communication must be achieved to develop creative possibilities, including better solutions than original proposals. If synergy isn''t achieved, even the effort will usually result in a better compromise.
Synergy in the Classroom
A synergistic class progresses from a safe environment to brainstorming. The spirit of evaluation is subordinated to the spirit of creativity, imagining and intellectual networking. Then the entire class is transformed with the excitement of a new direction. This is not a flight of fancy, but of substance.
Other times a class may approach synergy, but descends into chaos. Synergy requires the right chemistry and emotional maturity in the group to develop.
Synergy in Business
Excitement can replace respectful exchanges and ego battles. But a particular synergistic experience can seldom be recreated. Rather, new experiences should be sought.
By synergistically creating a mission statement, it becomes engraved in the hearts and minds of the participants.
Fishing for the Third Alternative
The "middle" way may not be compromise, but a third alternative, like the apex of a triangle.
By mutually seeking to understand and be understood, the participants pool their desires. They work together on the same side to create a third alternative to meet everyone''s needs.
Instead of a transaction, this is a transformation. Each participant gets what they really want, and they build their relationship in the process.
Negative Synergy
The usual win/lose approach results in expending negative synergy. It''s like trying to drive down the road with one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. Instead of taking their foot off the brake, most people give it more gas. They apply more pressure to strengthen their position, creating more resistance. In contrast, a cooperative approach enables accomplishment.
The problem is that highly dependent people are trying *****cceed in an interdependent reality. They may talk win/win technique, but they want to manipulate others. These insecure people need to mold others to their way of thinking.
The key to interpersonal synergy is intrapersonal synergy - synergy within ourselves helps us achieve synergy with others. The heart of intrapersonal synergy is the first three habits, which give the internal security sufficient to handle the risks of being open and therefore vulnerable. In ad***ion, by learning to use the left brain, logic, with the right brain, emotion, we develop psychic synergy that is suited to reality, which is logical and emotional.
Valuing the Differences
The essence of synergy is to value the mental, emotional, and psychological differences between people. The key to valuing these differences is to realize that all people see the world, not as it is, but as they are.
The person who is truly effective has the humility and reverence to recognize his own perceptual limitations and to appreciate the rich resources available through interaction with the hearts and minds of other human beings.
That two people can disagree and both be right is not logical, it''s psychological. And it''s very real. We see the same thing, but interpret it differently because of our con***ioning. Unless we value the differences in our perceptions and understand that life is not always a dichotomous either/or, that there are almost always third alternatives, we will never be able to transcend the limits of our con***ioning.
If two people have the same opinion, one is unnecessary. So when I become aware of the difference in our perceptions, I say "Good! Help me see what you see." By doing that, I not only increase my awareness, but I also affirm you. I give you psychological air. I create an environment for synergy.
Force Field Analysis
According to Kurt Lewin, a sociologist, the current level of performance or being is a state of equilibrium between the driving forces encouraging upward movement and restraining forces discouraging it.
Driving forces are positive, personable, and conscious. Restraining forces are negative, emotional, unconscious, and social/psychological. Both forces must be considered in dealing with change.
Increasing driving forces may bring temporary results. Eventually, restraining forces act like a spring to throw the level back down.
To produce synergy, the concepts of win/win, mutual understanding and seeking synergy are used to work directly on the restraining forces. Involving people in the problem, so they understand it, makes it their problem. They tend to become an important part of the solution. As a result, shared goals are created, enabling the whole enterprise to move upward.
The legal process should be a last, not first, resort because it polarizes the parties, making synergy practically impossible.
All Nature is Synergistic
Ecology, the interrelationship of things, describes the synergism in nature. In the relationship creative powers are maximized. The Seven Habits are also interrelated and are most powerful when used together.
Synergy is the crowning achievement of the previous habits. It is effectiveness in an interdependent reality.
A lot of synergy is in your circle of influence. You can value both your own analytical and creative sides. You can sidestep negative energy and look for the good in others. You can courageously express your ideas in interdependent situations. You can value the differences in others when you see only two alternatives, yours and the "wrong" one. You can seek a synergistic third alternative.
Principles of Balanced Self-Renewal

Habit 7
Is taking the time to sharpen the saw. By renewing the four dimensions of your nature - physical, spiritual, mental and social/emotional, you can work more quickly and effortlessly. To do this, we must be proactive. This is a Quadrant II (important, not urgent) activity that must be acted on. It''s at the center of our Circle of Influence, so we must do it for ourselves.
The Physical Dimension.
The physical dimension involves caring for your physical body - eating the right foods, getting enough rest and relaxation, and exercising on a regular basis.
If we don''t have a regular exercise program, eventually we will develop health problems. A good program builds your body''s endurance, flexibility and strength. A new program should be started gradually, in harmony with the latest research findings.
The greatest benefit of taking care of yourself is development of your Habit 1 "muscles" of proactivity.
The Spiritual Dimension.
The spiritual dimension is your center, your commitment to your value system. It draws upon the sources that inspire and uplift you and tie you to timeless truths of humanity.
A doctor suggested that Covey try a four step prescription at three-hour intervals at his favorite place as a child. Listen carefully, try reaching back, examine your motives, and write your worries in the sand.
When we take time to draw on the leadership center of our lives, what life is ultimately all about, it spreads like an umbrella over everything else. This is why a personal mission statement is important.
The Mental Dimension.
It''s important keep your mind sharp by reading, writing, organizing and planning. Read broadly and expose yourself to great minds.
Television is the great obstacle to mental renewal. Most of the programming is a waste of time.
Every day we should commit at least one hour to renewal in the first three dimensions: physical, mental, and spiritual. This practice is a "Daily Private Victory."
The Social/Emotional Dimension.
The physical, spiritual, and mental dimensions are closely related to Habits 1, 2 and 3: personal vision, leadership and management. The social/emotional dimension focuses on Habits 4, 5 and 6: the principles of personal leadership, empathetic communication and creative cooperation.
Our emotional life is primarily developed out of and manifested in our relationships with others. Renewing our social/emotional dimension requires focus and exercise in our interaction with others.
Success in Habits 4, 5 and 6 is not primarily a matter of intellect, but emotion; it''s highly related to our sense of personal security. Intrinsic security comes from within, from accurate paradigms and correct principles deep in our own mind and heart. It comes from living a life of integrity, in which our daily habits reflect our deepest values.
There is also intrinsic security that comes as a result of effective interdependent living and from service, from helping other people in a meaningful way. Each day, we can serve another person by making deposits of uncon***ional love.
Scripting Others.
Most people are living in a reactive mode based on the social mirror. Their scripts are based on the opinions, prescriptions, and paradigms of the people surrounding them. As interdependent people, we recognize our role as part of that social mirror.
We can affirm the proactive nature of others by treating them as responsible people. We can help support them as principle-centered, value-based, interdependent, worthwhile individuals.
In the story of the mix up of the "bright" and "slow" students, the teachers of a group of "slow" children erroneously classified as "bright" said, "For some reason, our methods weren''t working, so we had to change our methods." The IQ scores of the students dramatically improved. Apparent learning disability was really teacher inflexibility.
Goethe taught, "Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be and he will become as he can and should be."
Balance in Renewal.
Self renewal must include balanced renewal in all four dimensions--physical, spiritual, mental and social/emotional. Neglecting any one area negatively impacts the rest.
The same concept also applies to organizations. The process of continuous improvement is the hallmark of the Total Quality movement and a key to man''s economic ascendancy.
Synergy in Renewal.
The things you do to sharpen the saw in any one dimension have a positive impact in the other dimensions, because they are so highly interrelated.
The Daily Private Victory, a minimum of one hour a day to renew the personal dimensions, is the key to the development of the Seven Habits and is completely within your circle of influence. It''s also the foundation for the Daily Public Victory. It''s the source of the intrinsic security you need to sharpen the saw in the social/emotional dimension.
The Upward Spiral.
Renewal is the principle and process that empowers us to move on an upward spiral of growth and change, of continuous improvement.
Education of the conscience is vital to the truly proactive, highly effective leader. Conscience is the endowment that senses our congruence or disparity with correct principles and lifts us towards them. Training and educating the conscience requires regular feasting on inspiring literature, thinking noble thoughts, and living in harmony with its small voice.
Dag Hammarskjold, past Secretary-General of the United Nations, said, "He who wants to keep his garden tidy doesn''t reserve a plot for weeds." The law of the harvest governs, we will always reap what we sow--no more, no less.
Moving along the upward spiral requires us to learn, commit and do on increasingly higher planes.

Inside Out Again (Conclusion)
There is a gap between stimulus and response, and the key to both our growth and happiness is how we use that space. Do we respond to situations positively, proactively? Are we taking control of our own lives?
Me***ating on this idea led Covey to start deep communication with his wife, including more and more discussion of their inner worlds. It was a time of inner discovery.
They developed two ground rules. First, "no probing," just empathize. Probing was too invasive. The second was when it hurt too much, quit for the day.
The most difficult and most fruitful part of this communication came when the vulnerability of each person was touched. They discovered a new sense of reverence for each other. They discovered that even seemingly truthful things often have roots in deep emotional experiences. To deal with the superficial trivia without seeing the deeper, more tender issues is to trample on the sacred ground of another''s heart.
The ability to use wisely the gap between stimulus and response, to exercise the four unique endowments of our human nature, empowers us from the inside out. (The four endowments are self-awareness, imagination, conscience, and independent will. See the summary of Habit 1 - Be Proactive.)
By understanding the role of scripting, we understand the transcendent power in a strong intergenerational family. An effectively interdependent family of children, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins can be a powerful force in helping people have a sense of who they are, where they came from and what they stand for.
"There are only two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots, the other wings."
- Anonymous.
We should make a personal goal of becoming a "transition person," a person who changes the scripts transferred to the next generation from negative to positive by being proactive. This should be part of our personal mission statement. A tendency that has run through a family for generations can stop with one person.
Anwar Sadat, the former President of Egypt, was a powerful transition person for peace in the Middle East. Sadat said, "He who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality, and will never, therefore, make any progress."
Real change comes from the inside out. Amiel said, "Only these truths... which have become ourselves... are really our life... So long as we are able to distinguish any space whatever between truth and us we remain outside it. To become divine is then the aim of life.... It is no longer outside us, now in a sense even in us, but we are it, and it is we."
To achieve unity with ourselves, our loved ones, our friends, and our working associates, is the highest, best, and most delicious fruit of the Seven Habits.
Building a character of total integrity and living the life of love and service that creates such unity isn''t easy, but it''s plausible. If we start with the daily private victory and work from the inside out, results will surely come.