CAMPING Dave Ross The single most terrifying phrase in the English language. This weekend is the tra***ional beginning of the summer season, and it means that sometime soon, you will among friends, obeying all state and federal laws, when without provocation, some one will say, to your face, "Why don't we all go camping?" The single most terrifying phrase in the English language. The best thing to do is pretend you didn't hear it. Pretend your botox treatments have paralyzed your tongue. I have been on a total of three camping trips now. You know what camping is? Camping is where you learn just how bad your friends snore, OK? That's the entertainment. The fish don't bite, the sun doesn't shine, but EVERYBODY snores. It betrays everything America stands for. Some of the largest corporations in the world have spent billions inventing the comforts that make camping unnecessary. Yet every year, millions of people with college educations make the choice to live within ten feet of each other along a muddy riverbank. There's only one only legitimate reason to sleep in a tent anymore, and that's to get movie tickets. "Oh but Dave -- the fresh air!" What fresh air? You're with about 100 people who don't know how to build a fire. You're breathing second hand beef fat all weekend. "Oh but Dave, food never tastes as good as when you're outdoors!" That's because YOU'RE STARVING! My fellow Americans, there's a word for starving people who live within ten feet of each other along a muddy riverbank surrounded by smoke and latrines. They're called refugees. The UN spends millions trying to get them home again.
