Chấm điểm hộ mình bài Esay này với !!!

Chấm điểm hộ mình bài Esay này với !!!

Chào cả nhà , mình đang ôn để chuận bị thi ielts. Các cao thu chấm điểm bài ne` hộ mình với. Hoặc bạn nao quen giao viên người NN dạy Ielts thì nhờ các bạn ý comment cho mình nhe''. Mình chỉ tự học ở nhà thôi , chứ ko tham gia học on khoá nào ngoài trung tâm cả. Thanks cả nhà


Topic : With the pressures on today?Ts young people *****cceed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at schools ( eg : physical education and cookery) should be removed from syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects

To what extend do you agree or disagree ?

__________________________________________


Nowadays, young generation are put much pressure to achieve success academically. There is a belief that non-academic subjects should be removed from schools. In my opinion, I definately disagree with this idea. I am going to give you some reasons to present my view in favor of remaining both.

Firstly, some non-academic subjects will help children relax and gain energy. For example, children can enhance their health, increase their creativities through physical education such as swimming, playing games.. etc. Children can only concentrate effectively on academic subjects if they have good health . By doing that, they will be developed well both mentally and physically.

Secondly, by participating theses kinds of subjects, it can creat good environment for children. Children have rights to communicate and co-operate with their friends. There are many invisible and irreplaceable advantages through playing games or sport activities. They can know how to protect themselves, to behave with each other and how to solve unforseenable problems. It is definately said that academic subjects can feed their minds but non- academic ones can nourish their soul.

Last but not least important, it is non-academic subjects that makes a fully prepared package for children for their future life. Consider a case, when they become older, how they can teach and educate next generations if they even do not know about some basic methods to make life better and happier such as cooking secret, taking some photos, playing some intruments ...etc. Life will be easier when we know how to adopt or release stress in actual cases. There si a saying that we can not adjust the wind but we can direct the sail.

In short, no one doublt that we should remain both academic subjects and non-academic ones. Children need to be educated mentally and physically.


Thanks so lot!

khó thía, up lên giúp bác

Nowadays, young/new generation/ The youth/ teenagers are put much pressure to achieve success academically. There is a belief/many belive /that non-academic subjects should be removed from schools. In my opinion, I definitely/totally, fully disagree with this idea. I am going to give you some reasons to present my view in favor of remaining both./ (No need this sentence)
Firstly, some non-academic subjects will help/support children relax and gain energy. For example, children can enhance their health, increase their creativities/creativeness through physical education such as swimming, playing games.. etc. Children can only concentrate effectively/wholly/entirely on academic subjects if they have good health/ . By doing that, they will be developed well both mentally and physically./ (their mentality and physicality will be improved/developed much more.)
Secondly, by/thanks to participating these kinds of subjects/ participating subjects like these, it can create good environment)/ they create a favorite con***ion for children. Children have the rights/right to communicate and co-operate with their friends. There are many invisible and irreplaceable advantages through playing games or sport activities. They can know how to protect themselves, to behave with (each other)/others and how to solve unforseenable problems. It is definately said that (not only) academic subjects can feed/^^ their minds (but also) non- academic ones can nourish their soul
Last but not least important / Lastly, (it is) non-academic subjects (that) makes a fully prepared package for children for/and their future life. Consider a case/for instance, when they become/are older, how they can teach and educate next generations if they even do not know about some/() basic methods to make life better and happier such as cooking secret, taking some photos, playing some intruments ...etc. Life will be easier when we know how to adopt or release stress in actual cases/situation. There is a saying that we can not adjust the wind but we can direct the sail.(the sentence is too long)
In short, no one doubt that we should remain both academic subjects and non-academic ones. Children need to be educated/educating (mentally and physically)/both mentality and phisicality.
I think you not only need a specific idea but also have more supporting ideas in reality, for ex: about your experience. Instead of directing to the main idea, the essay just only metion the most COMMON idea
I only just modify a little about your each sentence only, itâ?Ts not too much but I hope that it will be helpful for you ^^ .

I agree with the ideas from above people. You should change some words, and remember, you should not replace words. Use Microsoft Office Words you can find other words which are the same meaning by the Synonyms Tools.
Moreover, you should use more examples such as your experiences or friends experiences to determine the point, help readers more understand why you disagree with the idea they gave.
Between paragraph, you can use firstly, secondly, etc but use more linking words or other sentences which show the related between your points such as moreover, however, beside that, Finally, in conclude. It will make your essay more logical and helpful when you use too many points in your essay.
In writing an essay, introduction should include topic, your opinion, also, summarize your agree or disagree points. It helps readers will catch what you want to talk about in your essay.
The same in conclusion, you should replace your ideas and emphasize the points your have done.
There are some of my experiences in writing essay. Hope it is helpful for you!
Goodluck
Được phunghoavn sửa chữa / chuyển vào 05:49 ngày 23/10/2007

Đọc qua chút mình đánh giá:
- Bạn cũng chưa hoàn toàn rõ non-academic subjects là những cái gì?
- Bạn biết cách cấu trúc một bài essay
- Vốn từ của bạn cũng khá nhưng bạn dùng sai hoặc dùng chưa hay một số.
- Lập luận của bạn chưa thật thuyết phục
- Kết luận của bạn không đúng (non one doubts? hay bạn no doubt?)

Có còn vấn đề gì nữa không nhỉ ? Mình đọc qua thấy củng ổn ổn, ngoài những cái các bạn trên đã comment. Nhưng có nhận xét là bài viết này hơi khô, không đc hay cho lắm . Mặc dù bố cục, cách du`ng từ, các ý trình bày mạch lạc ...Cho điểm 6 được ko các bác nhay...Sorry nếu mình chấm điểm đắt nha''....

Theo quan điểm và kinh nghiệm cá nhân của tôi thì bài essay của bạn khá tốt rồi. Mở đầu bạn đã trình bày rõ quan điểm của mình. Kế đó phần thân bài bạn đã nêu rõ ràng mấy luận điểm củng cố cho quan điểm của bạn nêu ở phần đầu bài. Trong bài bạn cũng đã nêu những evidence/example hỗ trợ cho lập luận của bạn. Phần kết luận như vậy cũng khá rõ ý và tạm ổn. Với áp lực thời gian rất lớn nên nếu khi đi thi thật mà bạn viết được thế này cũng là tốt rồi. (Bạn nên căn thời gian khi viết luyện). Mình đánh giá bài của bạn được khoảng 6.5 điểm. Với áp lực tgian lớn thì rất khó có thể nghĩ ra được nhiều từ hoặc cụm từ hay ho nếu không viết quen. Với lượng từ nhất định thì cách viết hiệu quả cho câu văn hay ho hơn (ngoài vđề về lời ý và bố cục) thì nên tận dụng kiến thức ngữ pháp (ví dụ như khi bạn muốn diễn ý ở câu "...young generation are put much pressure to achieve success academically" - thực ra câu này ngữ pháp còn chưa chuẩn - thì bạn có thể dùng một câu ví như: ...the young generation nowadays seems to be suffering too much pressure to achieve academic success" hoặc ...today there is too much pressure put on the young generation to obtain academic achievement. hoặc ..Academic success is putting the young generation of today under too much pressure , etc.,
Chúc bạn sớm gặt hái được thành công

Tớ thấy bài của bạn này khá well organized, ideas cũng ổn. Tuy nhiên, cấu trúc câu còn hơi đơn giản. Tớ nghĩ ấy nên dùng thêm nhiều thể bị động, cho nó academic hơn nữa.
Mới đọc qua nhưng tớ cũng thấy có 1 số lỗi về ngữ fáp và dùng từ.
Trình độ tớ thì kém lắm, nên chỉ biết nhận xét thế thôi.
Tớ cũng đồng tình mí bạn pinkcafe là bài này đạt khoảng 6.