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You and I had a talk last night about our relationship. It started out innocently enough and turned toward a direction i didn''''t expect. I was half jokingly accusing you of not being passionate enough and somehow it turned into a serious talk. You said you''''re tired of having a fixed visit schedule like we do now ( after seeing each other everyday at work, we used to see each other every night too. After a while it became boring cause we saw too much of each other so we made a new schedule of seeing each other every tues and thurs and the weekend). When the new schedule first applied, we both seemed fine; actually we both were relieved cause with the new schedule we could have some time to ourself and relax after a workday). Apparently now you are starting to think that we''''re still seeing too much of each other and having a fixed schedule is taking the fire out of our relationship. You said that you want to have on-a-spur-of-moment visits or whenever you miss me. And that because we are seeing each other too much on a fixed schedule, it''''s become a duty to see me and do stuff with me instead of doing it on your own will. Baby, there are a few points I''''d like to make and hopefully you will think about them seriously.
First of all, I''''ve known you for a year and a half now and like it or not, I know you''''re not a person of spontaneity. Since starting dating you, I''''ve never seen you actually do something for me spontaneously. I m not saying you don''''t do anything for me, you''''re always willing to give whenever you''''re asked to but for once I would like you to take the wheel and do something for me not because I want you to but because you want to. So deep down, I know those spontaneous visits you mentioned just ain''''t gonna happen. Besides, you have to admit it, you''''re lazy. so leave it on your own, you probably never want to leave the house in the evening cuz you''''re always sleepy and tired after work (heh me too), especially after a nice home-made meal. So leaving it up to you probably will leave us with seeing each other maybe once or if I''''m lucky twice a week i reckon.
Secondly, this is just me but I''''m a very needy person. I''''m dreaded being alone. You said if I miss you I can also come visit you, well baby I don''''t want to show up at your door every day of the week. Anyway, it''''s been proven that when I don''''t feel enough care from my relationship, subconsciously I''''ll do something to fill that gap. I have a high self-esteem so if I feel like someone doesn''''t need me as much as I do him, I will probably try to divert my attention to other interests and knowing myself quite well I know if my full attention is not given to you, you''''ll gradually mean less and less to me until the day we break up. That''''s me and if you love me you''''ll have to accept it.
Thirdly baby, you''''re leaving this job at the end of this month to another company, which means we won''''t see each other during the day at all any more. I wonder if by then you will still complain about seeing too much of me.
Fourthly I think we''''re in this neverending loop which worsens the situation. THe less passion you show the more clingy i am. The more clingy I am the more suffocated you are, and repeat. aah this truly sucks. Maybe things could get a bit better if you were a more revealing person. You are the quiet type and don''''t show much affection outward. I''''m the needy type so i need a lot of affection, can we meet somewhere in the middle?
You know what babe, sometimes when things aren''''t going well i tend to think the worst. last night for a moment I felt so frustrated and thought maybe we should break up to save all this headache and heartache cause it hurts to realize it''''s all a duty to you. Why do i long to be with you every minute of every day, i look forward to tues and thurs nights so that i could be in your arms, talk to you laugh with you, whereas you just feel more and more smothered? Can it be explained by the fundamentally different psychologies of men and women? Or are you just growing tired of our relationship?
Last night in the end you mentioned that i usually overreacted when you needed to do something else on our fixed schedule and it drives you nuts. I admit i used to be like that but love, i''''ve changed so much for the better and you know it! And also honey pie, it drives me nuts too when you fuss about such nonsense with your rich imagination (read: jeasousy), to the point where i''''m scared to do anything that you might frown upon, like having guy friends. I think we both realize that something is going wrong in this relationship and although we think we love each other to bits, if we don''''t get this right, fragile as it currently is, our relationship will not last. The talk ended peafully, thank god, but still I feel quite uneasy and lost. What should we do to compromise and keep it going strong? I know theoretically love will conquer all but in the back of my mind i know something has changed.

So thank god work is over. I had such a busy day at work today that i really don''''t know where the time went. Since i work in the financial/securities industry, pretty much all my mornings are spent to follow stock price fluctuations to make necessary trading decisions in time for my company and myself, so there go the mornings. This afternoon, like many other afternoons, I had a meeting with a foreign fund director. I usually have to receive such guests, most of whom are from foreign funds, fund management companies and so forth... And that took away about 2 hours of my afternoon. The rest of work time was just not enough to get all the work done. However, it''''s totally cool to say that today was a good day too. My department supervisors gave me several important projects which is translated by me as "good job, you do have the expertise required to be trusted with these projects" and that feels good. I''''m a sucker for positive attention like that and it''''s nice to be needed again. Tomorrow s gonna be a hard day cause i''''ll have to finish a bunch of things since the dealines are approaching so close. Oh yeah, just one tiny little problem though, I''''m so lazy it''''s not even funny. Jeez i need to give myself a hard push if i want to get satisfactory results.
Anyway enough about work, I need to get ready and go visit my boyfriend''''s family cuz I haven''''t been there in a while and besides I wanna see them before I''''m off to HCM city on wednesday. I think it''''s sort of like a necessary "duty" to see your long-term boyfriend''''s parents - although not frequently but at least once in a blue moon. Fortunately, they''''re very nice so that''''s good. Moreover, i reckon my boyfriend will like it if he sees my effort to form a bond with his parents.
Oh just one more thing i need to get off my chest. My boyfriend was being a jerk this afternoon when we were discussing who was gonna go register for the bidding of PTSC. Luckily i was able to keep my cool and calmly (almost) explained to him he was being mean to me unnecessarily. After a while he seemed to chill and agreed to behave. Let''''s hope it won''''t happen again or I''''m afraid next time a shouting match following by a cold war will be in the menu.
Được anhbecuaem sửa chữa / chuyển vào 08:21 ngày 21/08/2006

Well, I write diary in English everyday, and my blog in English too, just another kind of diary. i don''t know how to paste link here: why don''t you just visit: http://360.yahoo.com/great_good_gifted_girl

I got 2 job offers today out of the blue. One from Citibank and the other from a foreign investment company. This is exciting cuz this has never happened to me before. What''s more I am not even actively seeking another job, the recruiters know about me from words of mouth. I will not take these opportunities however, for I think my learning curve at my current job is still exponential! I''m sure more opportunities will come along and i''ll have better choices to make.
On to another topic, I''m also excited about the coming vacation. I''m going to take a week off to go to HCM city to visit my relatives and to Nha Trang afterward. I''m not too close to these relatives so it''s ok but I''m really looking forward to the trip to Nha Trang cuz I''ve never been there and my boyfriend is going with me. I heard it''s beautiful, besides with the Miss VN taking place there, I''m sure my boyfriend will be more eager than usual.
Today I was contemplating about a concept which was introduced to me since I was still in college. I forgot all about it until today, that concept is codependency. The reason I started to think about it is because back then I had this idea that I might possess some aspect of this trait. That idea is reinforced today, here''s why I came to that conclusion:
1. I can be quite controlling
2. I hate being alone
3. Having a boyfriend to me is synonymous with lacking the need for my own personal life. Which is bad. My girl friends told me I need to have my own space and so does he. I think the situation''s not as bad as it sounds but I do need to consider my girls'' advices.
I don''t think I am codependent but I admit that in a way I do display a sign here and there of codependency. Anyway so that''s that.
Latest news: I''m not going to Nha Trang anymore, we''re thinking about asking our colleagues to go with us cuz we think it''ll be more fun that way. We''ll discuss with them where to go; personally i think it''s more likely somewhere in the north. So that''s something I''m really excited about.

finally i got a very beautiful girl, a true love, she loves me
a new day has come

Congratulation!!!

Thank god it''s weekend.
Something''s not right today, I''m just so depressed and it''s weird that i feel so nervous for no reason. Looks like i''m not the only one cuz my mom seems moody too. My boyfriend is not the happiest person either due to his stomachache.
Sometimes I wonder if I have manic depression cuz there are moments like this that I just am so depressed, I wanna cry wanna do something to get rid of this empty feeling inside. I''m worried that our relationship is wearing out, that we are pushing each other away. He''s consumed with the new job and has very little time for me and that little time when he''s with me, he always feels tired and cranky, which is hard for me to deal with although i have promised myself that i''d try my best *****pport him in this time of hardship. I have this vague feeling that he''s losing interest in me and right now i''m not so sure what i should do. Should i continue to try and keep this relationship work? or should i just give up and start over again? It''s just that i''m the clingy type of person so once i''m attached to someone i usually have little will power to go off and find someone else. so the same old cliche happens: we fight, we make up and repeat cuz i''m too lazy to put efforts into a new relationship and too scared that I won''t find someone better.
I don''t like this uneasy feeling that I''m having right now. How do i pick myself up and do something about it? It''s like i''m getting myself deeper and deeper into this bottomless pit of self-pity and depression, which truly sucks.
I''ve had my share of dating and it''s just not appealing to me anymore to go out there and jump back into the dating pool. Also, the older i get, the less innocent i become so it usually takes me very little to see through a guy''s basic character and trust me, most of them are just boring dudes. Ugh life sucks.

So i went over to his house today cuz he wasnt feeling too good, bought him some flan cakes and milk (real freshly-squeezed Ba Vi milk, not the supposedly fresh milk sold all over the market) He was a little tired but all nice and loving. He seemed more relaxed at home, naturally, which makes me think maybe I should come over to his house more often. Also things went well tonight, which makes me wonder if i was too stressed and imagining things in my previous post? Anyway, whatever.
I''''m more at ease now, he shared quite a few things about his new job and all tonite. Maybe our problem was the lack of communication in the last few weeks, which created some distance between us. Another bigger problem, i think, is that our relationship desperately needs a quick refresh.It''''s turning into a tedious boring routine that tires us both.
Here''''s some other news to change the topic, so a few days ago, my mom told me about the demonstration outside of the House of Congress on Ngo Quyen St., Hanoi by Hung Yen farmers over land compensation. Basically the government took their land and compensated too little while the taken land is used for building skyscrapers for sale at a much higher price. The farmers camped outside days and nights, even in the rain to demand justice; their transportation means to hanoi were mopeds, bicycles and on foot (Hung Yen is some 20km away from Hanoi). Most of them have lived on plain bread and water while in Hanoi. And what do the officials do? Nothing. I passed by there the other night and saw a group of farmers sleeping on pieces of raincoats. My heart goes out to them and all others that bear injustice due to the corrupted and/or incapable and/or incompetent civil servants. Don''''t get me wrong, I''''m patriotic (otherwise why would I come back to VN after college abroad with an ambition of contributing to my home country?) but it pains me to think about those in power but whose thoughts are solely about their own selfish benefits without the slightest concern for their own people. What a shame!
Oh yeah and no domestic tv channels or newspapers broadcast this, surprise surprise! I heard that this kind of event happens quite often but has never been in the news. And they always talk about freedom of speech! Well i can''''t expect much from a monopolistic political party now can I? Didn''''t they jail Pham Hong Son for translating and circulating online an essay titled What is Democracy? taken from the U.S State Department website? Last I heard he was released some time this independence-day week due to increasing pressure from international human rights groups, the US and Europe Union.
I love the VNese people but it hurts to see all the poverty and misery our people are bearing. I really want to do something both micro and macro for the poor people. I discussed with my boyfriend and in the meantime we can tighten our spending to save up for charity. I did try to arrange time to participate in a UN program that teaches HIV/AIDS kids English but the time schedule didn''''t work out. In the further future, once my personal life is more stable financially, I can devote more time and effort to help the needy.
Here''''s where you can read about the demonstration:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/vietnamese/vietnam/story/2006/08/060829_land_protest.shtml
and here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/vietnamese/inpictures/story/2006/08/060830_hanoi_farmers.shtml
Được anhbecuaem sửa chữa / chuyển vào 09:58 ngày 02/09/2006

i am thinking abt him, i miss him, it''s so funny that after such a long time, we didn''t contact each other. i don''t want any one to know that i am weak and that i cried last night, or everynight. i show as if i was a strong girl, i am!
but i finally miss him. I miss my Mom too. Ha Noi! Autumn is coming, the milk flower is going to grow and boom and i miss someone
****! Life is Bull****!
Why do i have to miss a guy who never thinks abt me, never cares abt me?
My mind tells me that he doesn''t deserve to have my love but there''s st in my heart forces me to think abt him, forces me to miss him
It''s rainning and i am crying again.
I know that 2morrow i;m gonna be fine. But i know my smiles are not real, i just try to pretent that i am so happy, i am so strong. They can see my smile but can not know that st breaks in my heart
Tell me the way 2 4get someone plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Today is Sat. Online and meet someone. Be out of work and staying at home all day that make me tire. But it ''s not easy to find a job. After graduating, there are somethings in my mind. I feel that I loose my way. Lack of experience, and skills in English, I can not find a suitable job. Studying is never enough..