Chia sẻ đôi dòng nhật ký

Today I realize why I never want to go back and give my relationship with Hải another try.
I just want to regard him as a friend. Now I don''t want to blame him, but I just want to look back and learn from that. I realize he didn''t treat me right. Whether he was unsure about his feelings, or he wanted to play games, he kept me hanging on.
When a. Châu said he wanted to be friends, he treated me as friends.
As for Hải, he sent me double messages. He said he wanted to be friends, but at the same time, he implied there may be more. He made me wander "what he''s really thinking". And I think it''s not fair for me at all. I used to think there may be something wrong with my perceptions. Maybe Hải treated me right but I just inferred too much from that. But since I know a. Châu, I realized there''s nothing wrong with me.
Hải didn''t treat me fair, and he''s not the right man for me.

Today I realize why I never want to go back and give my relationship with Hải another try.
I just want to regard him as a friend. Now I don''t want to blame him, but I just want to look back and learn from that. I realize he didn''t treat me right. Whether he was unsure about his feelings, or he wanted to play games, he kept me hanging on.
When a. Châu said he wanted to be friends, he treated me as friends.
As for Hải, he sent me double messages. He said he wanted to be friends, but at the same time, he implied there may be more. He made me wander "what he''s really thinking". And I think it''s not fair for me at all. I used to think there may be something wrong with my perceptions. Maybe Hải treated me right but I just inferred too much from that. But since I know a. Châu, I realized there''s nothing wrong with me.
Hải didn''t treat me fair, and he''s not the right man for me.

It''s 3:30 in the morning. I just talked to my mom on phone, and now I couldn''t sleep. I told mom what I plan to do after graduating. Either I''ll look for a job, or a scholarship to study Master in Linguistics.
Now if you ask me what I prefer between the two , I don''t know yet. I may have to try both. If I can find a job, it''s great. At least, I won''t have to live hand to mouth like right now .
If I can find a scholarship, it''s even better. Although I will have to continue my poor student life, I hope I can find a job as an ESL teacher after graduating.
Tonight, I read some description for Marketing Research positions, and I was kinda scared . It said the job requires working under stress and meeting deadlines. I hate stress, and deadlines. Actually, I think it''s better to become an ESL teacher. It''s fun, and it''s less stressful. I''ll have time for family, too.
I remember my friends teased me, "Sướng không thích sướng, lại thích khổ". I could have been cared for by someone if I want to. I don''t have to take buses every day, and bring my "Body Alarm" at night. I don''t have to live from hand to mouth like this .
When I met a. Châu, I wanted him to care for me. I wanted badly.
I guess God is fair. I''ve been cared for by my parents for my whole life, now it''s time I stand on my own feet. I hate it when a. Châu refused to care for me, but at the same time, I thanked God. I have to learn to stand on my own feet first.

It''s 3:30 in the morning. I just talked to my mom on phone, and now I couldn''t sleep. I told mom what I plan to do after graduating. Either I''ll look for a job, or a scholarship to study Master in Linguistics.
Now if you ask me what I prefer between the two , I don''t know yet. I may have to try both. If I can find a job, it''s great. At least, I won''t have to live hand to mouth like right now .
If I can find a scholarship, it''s even better. Although I will have to continue my poor student life, I hope I can find a job as an ESL teacher after graduating.
Tonight, I read some description for Marketing Research positions, and I was kinda scared . It said the job requires working under stress and meeting deadlines. I hate stress, and deadlines. Actually, I think it''s better to become an ESL teacher. It''s fun, and it''s less stressful. I''ll have time for family, too.
I remember my friends teased me, "Sướng không thích sướng, lại thích khổ". I could have been cared for by someone if I want to. I don''t have to take buses every day, and bring my "Body Alarm" at night. I don''t have to live from hand to mouth like this .
When I met a. Châu, I wanted him to care for me. I wanted badly.
I guess God is fair. I''ve been cared for by my parents for my whole life, now it''s time I stand on my own feet. I hate it when a. Châu refused to care for me, but at the same time, I thanked God. I have to learn to stand on my own feet first.

I would have written down all these things last night, but I could not log in. Last night I went to sleep rather early. However, I woke up in the middle of the night, and couldn''t go back to sleep. So I just lay there awake, thinking.
I thought about Hải, and what I wrote about him. I realized I was wrong to blame him for everything. And I realized I couldn''t ask for his love when I myself didn''t give him that love.
I realized that I did love him in the past. Memories just came back to me so clearly. I remembered I sent him a card on his birthday. That was the first time I spent that amount of time on a birthday card for a male friend. I remember I drew a cat on the card because I called him "cat". I remembered everything I had done for him. I realized although many times I tried to protect my "ego", and tried to hide my feelings for him, I did love him.
And I know he did love me, too. I remember he sent me a large bouquet of roses on my birthday. But I failed to appreciate him. I didn''t call and say thanks right away. Some days later, when I called him, he sounded very cold to me. And we just exchanged a few words. I remember when he called me and spoke all English, but I failed to recognize his efforts. I realized I didn''t appreciate him enough.
I realized he didn''t care if I played tennis well or not. But I just let my ego overrride. So when he came see me playing tennis, I got angry and acted cold with him.
Now when I looked back at everything in the past, I knew I loved him, a lot, very much. And I knew he loved me, too. But we both failed to appreciate each other. Because of that, we couldn''t make it work.
Later, when I left and went to America, then he went to Sing. I guessed when things didn''t work out in the past, we both didn''t really understand ourselves. And time went by, I had established new relationship in my life. I guessed he had, too. Now I realized I did love him in the past, but I couldn''t say if I still love him now. That''s why when he asked me if I was sure, I couldn''t say I was.
Now when I think about a. Châu, I cannot say if I love him. I''ve known him for a short time, and I only met him once. I haven''t understood him enough. But when I look back and think about everything with Hải in the past, I want to make sure I''ll appreciate what he has to give me, or what he will do for me in the future. As for my feelings, I will follow what my heart tells me.
I also realize that what a. Châu needs is a true love. He needs someone to care for and someone who cares for him. He doesn''t need my driving license, or anything like that. The same with Hải. And also with me.
I just realize that I should go slowly in everything, and pay attention to appreciate what others have to give me. So that when I meet the man of my life, my heart will be open to appreciate his love, and loves him back.

I would have written down all these things last night, but I could not log in. Last night I went to sleep rather early. However, I woke up in the middle of the night, and couldn''t go back to sleep. So I just lay there awake, thinking.
I thought about Hải, and what I wrote about him. I realized I was wrong to blame him for everything. And I realized I couldn''t ask for his love when I myself didn''t give him that love.
I realized that I did love him in the past. Memories just came back to me so clearly. I remembered I sent him a card on his birthday. That was the first time I spent that amount of time on a birthday card for a male friend. I remember I drew a cat on the card because I called him "cat". I remembered everything I had done for him. I realized although many times I tried to protect my "ego", and tried to hide my feelings for him, I did love him.
And I know he did love me, too. I remember he sent me a large bouquet of roses on my birthday. But I failed to appreciate him. I didn''t call and say thanks right away. Some days later, when I called him, he sounded very cold to me. And we just exchanged a few words. I remember when he called me and spoke all English, but I failed to recognize his efforts. I realized I didn''t appreciate him enough.
I realized he didn''t care if I played tennis well or not. But I just let my ego overrride. So when he came see me playing tennis, I got angry and acted cold with him.
Now when I looked back at everything in the past, I knew I loved him, a lot, very much. And I knew he loved me, too. But we both failed to appreciate each other. Because of that, we couldn''t make it work.
Later, when I left and went to America, then he went to Sing. I guessed when things didn''t work out in the past, we both didn''t really understand ourselves. And time went by, I had established new relationship in my life. I guessed he had, too. Now I realized I did love him in the past, but I couldn''t say if I still love him now. That''s why when he asked me if I was sure, I couldn''t say I was.
Now when I think about a. Châu, I cannot say if I love him. I''ve known him for a short time, and I only met him once. I haven''t understood him enough. But when I look back and think about everything with Hải in the past, I want to make sure I''ll appreciate what he has to give me, or what he will do for me in the future. As for my feelings, I will follow what my heart tells me.
I also realize that what a. Châu needs is a true love. He needs someone to care for and someone who cares for him. He doesn''t need my driving license, or anything like that. The same with Hải. And also with me.
I just realize that I should go slowly in everything, and pay attention to appreciate what others have to give me. So that when I meet the man of my life, my heart will be open to appreciate his love, and loves him back.

Young girl, don''t cry. I''ll be right here when your world starts to fall. Young girl, it''s all right. Your tears will dry, you''ll soon be free to fly When you''re safe inside your room you tend to dream of a place where nothing''s harder than it seems. No one ever wants or bothers to explain the heartache life can bring and what it means. When there''s no one else look inside yourself like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within.Then you''ll find the strength that will guide your way.... If you learn to begin to trust the voice within....
Young girl, don''t hide. You''ll never change if you just run away. Young girl, just hold tight, and soon you''re gonna see your brighter day... Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed, it''s so hard to stand your ground when you''re so afraid. No one reaches out a hand for you to hold. When you''re lost outside, look inside to your soul.
Yeah... Life is a journey. It can take you anywhere you choose to go. As long as you''re learning, you''ll find all you''ll ever need to know. You''ll make it. Just don''t go forsaking yourself. No one can stop you, you know that I''m talking to you.
So close no matter how far... I have you in my heart and nothing else matters...

Young girl, don''t cry. I''ll be right here when your world starts to fall. Young girl, it''s all right. Your tears will dry, you''ll soon be free to fly When you''re safe inside your room you tend to dream of a place where nothing''s harder than it seems. No one ever wants or bothers to explain the heartache life can bring and what it means. When there''s no one else look inside yourself like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within.Then you''ll find the strength that will guide your way.... If you learn to begin to trust the voice within....
Young girl, don''t hide. You''ll never change if you just run away. Young girl, just hold tight, and soon you''re gonna see your brighter day... Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed, it''s so hard to stand your ground when you''re so afraid. No one reaches out a hand for you to hold. When you''re lost outside, look inside to your soul.
Yeah... Life is a journey. It can take you anywhere you choose to go. As long as you''re learning, you''ll find all you''ll ever need to know. You''ll make it. Just don''t go forsaking yourself. No one can stop you, you know that I''m talking to you.
So close no matter how far... I have you in my heart and nothing else matters...

Hey Britney, I read your diary. Is that a song?
How''s your Dad? You haven''t mentioned him lately. Is he okey now?
Tonight I watched a film, an old one, I guess. It''s called "The truth about cats and dogs". Has anybody here watched it?
It''s really romantic and cute. There''s a scene in the movie when the woman talked to her man on the phone, and she played the violin for him. I remember once I called Hải and played the piano for him. After that, he said, "Wow!". It''s hard to describe his voice when he said "Wow". Anyway, enough about him.
I''ve been quite busy with nothing these days. Yes, nothing. I don''t know what I''ve been doing. This week is almost over, and I haven''t done much. I don''t know why.
It''s good to discover a new side of me every day. Oh, today I realize the previous conversations between a. Châu and me were not so much about understanding, rather they were flirting. Coz whenever we saw differences, we tried to cover them up.
Now I think when I meet other men in my life, I want more conversations to understand and exchange information.

Hey Britney, I read your diary. Is that a song?
How''s your Dad? You haven''t mentioned him lately. Is he okey now?
Tonight I watched a film, an old one, I guess. It''s called "The truth about cats and dogs". Has anybody here watched it?
It''s really romantic and cute. There''s a scene in the movie when the woman talked to her man on the phone, and she played the violin for him. I remember once I called Hải and played the piano for him. After that, he said, "Wow!". It''s hard to describe his voice when he said "Wow". Anyway, enough about him.
I''ve been quite busy with nothing these days. Yes, nothing. I don''t know what I''ve been doing. This week is almost over, and I haven''t done much. I don''t know why.
It''s good to discover a new side of me every day. Oh, today I realize the previous conversations between a. Châu and me were not so much about understanding, rather they were flirting. Coz whenever we saw differences, we tried to cover them up.
Now I think when I meet other men in my life, I want more conversations to understand and exchange information.