Chia sẻ kinh nghiệm IELTS (tiếp)

Đang cố luyện viết để thi IELTS, mỗi vài ngày làm bài... em post lên nhờ các bác chỉnh hộ nhé.
Đây là bài em viết mất 1h30p có sự hổ trợ đắc lực của từ điển và anh em nhà google. Vì chưa thi lần nào nên chẳng biết là như thế là được bao nhiêu điểm nữa....Bà con chấm hộ với... Chứng nào được 6.0 thì đi thi....
IELTS sao nó ám ảnh quá
Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children.
Do you agree or disagree?
The computer is one of great inventions in twentieth century. It improved a quality of human beings at higher level in modern society. It has been also used as an efficient tool for entertainment such as to watch movie, listen music or play interesting games. When the internet connection has been activated, computer becomes more and more powerful. We can collect information from large resources in over the world as well as communicate easily and immediately with friends or relatives by a single click mouse through email or chat. Moreover, for children, computer is not only a facility to study in a various subjects but also an interesting way to study. Although it includes many advantages for study, if using it every day I think this will make some negative effects for children that should be considered carefully by adult.
First at all, we should think about the computer game. It is so charming that children want to play than to study. Frankly, they can spend a whole day for playing computer game with intensive attention. As a result, they almost forget home works or preparation of new lessons. Sometimes, I obverse my nephew, a 10-years-old boy, when being on computer. It seems he likes to use computer for games rather than study.
Scientifically, sitting in front of computer screen for a long time causes to make person with headache, glassy eyes. This is even worse for children who have a totally undeveloped body. We sometimes read in newspaper that children were brought to hospital in emergency case because of sitting long time in font of computer for playing game. Normally, if child passions with computer, he will become lazy in exercise. As a result, day by day his health goes down obviously according to the time.
Finally, with a connection to the internet, children, poor self-control themselves, usually are influenced by black web involving violent, ***, and so on. Consequently, this affects negative way to their life. They are stimulated to do terrible things in real life. For example, a 17 years old boy killed 16 victims including two his former teacher at German high school. Because he was encouraged from bad invisible internet guys if he did the thing as hero.
In conclusion for this solution, I think children should be controlled strictly for using computer by adults. We cannot ban them because we want our child to develop overall in modern society. We should, therefore, spend time to take care and encourage children to using computer for studying purpose as well as enjoying healthy activity in the internet.

Tình cờ mình được biết đề thi ielts hôm 7-3 của mình trùng y hệt với đề thi ielts của phillipin
Post lên cho các bạn nè.
Writing Task 1 (report)
We had two bar charts, one was about the trade between Australia and China and the other was on imports from China to Australia.
Writing Task 2 (essay)
Some people think that music has a significant role in the society. Others think that its just a form of entertainment, comment on both views.

thứ 7 tuần sau tớ thi ở BC, nó bảo là đến hum đấy mới cho bít thời gian thi speaking, bạn nào thi rồi cho hỏi thường thì thi speaking thi sau sẽ vào lúc nào, tại mấy hum đấy lại có việc hx

Bạn ơi mình có sửa lại một chút trong bài của bạn. Những chỗ mình sửa mình để trong dấu ( ) nhé. Mình thấy bài bạn còn 1 số chỗ chưa hợp lí: Phần mở bài quá dài, mình có cảm giác như đó là 1 paragraph trong phần thân bài của bạn. Điểu này khiến bài của bạn thiếu cân đối. Hơn nữa, bạn vẫn còn mắc 1 số lỗi ngữ pháp, mình đã sửa luôn rồi đấy. Bạn nên học thêm 1 số academic words (www.uefap.com) để tránh lặp từ và diễn đạt dài trong bài viết. Mình chỉ comment được vậy thôi, mình nghĩ nếu bạn chăm chỉ thì sẽ nâng cao được khả năng viết mà. Good luck!
The computer is one of great inventions in (the) twentieth century. It improved a quality of human beings at higher level (improves the living standard of human beings ) in modern society. It has been also (It has also been) used as an efficient tool for entertainment such as to watch movie, listen music or play interesting games (grammatical error). When the internet connection has been activated, computer becomes more and more (increasingly) powerful. We can collect information from large resources in over (over) the world as well as communicate easily and immediately with friends or relatives by a single click mouse through email or chat. Moreover, for children, computer is not only a facility to study in a various subjects but also an interesting way to study. Although it includes many advantages for study, if using it every day I think (grammatical error) this will make (cause) some negative effects for (on) children that should be considered carefully by adult. ( Besides many advantages, computers also have detrimental effects that should be taken into consideration).
First at all, we should think about the computer game. It is so charming that children want to play than to study. Frankly, they can spend a whole day for playing computer game with intensive attention. As a result, they almost forget home works (homework) or preparation of new lessons. Sometimes, I obverse (? ?" observe) my nephew, a 10-years-old boy, when being on computer (grammatical error). It seems (that) he likes to use computer for games rather than study (for studying).
Scientifically, sitting in front of computer screen for a long time causes to make (grammatical error) person with headache, glassy eyes. This is even worse for children who have a totally undeveloped body. We sometimes read in newspaper that children were (are) brought to hospital in emergency case because of sitting (for a )long time in font (front) of computer for playing game. Normally, if child passions with computer, he will become lazy in exercise. As a result, day by day his health goes down obviously according to the time (As a result, with passing days, his health is negatively affected).
Finally, with a connection to the internet, children, poor self-control themselves, usually are (are usually) influenced by black web involving violent, ***, and so on. Consequently, this affects negative way (grammatical error) to their life. They are stimulated to do terrible things in real life. For example, a 17 years old boy killed 16 victims including two his former teacher at German high school. Because he was encouraged from bad invisible internet guys if he did the thing as hero.
In conclusion for this solution, I think children should be controlled strictly for using computer by adults. We cannot ban them because we want our child to develop overall in modern society. We should, therefore, spend time to take care and encourage children to using computer for studying purpose as well as enjoying healthy activity in the internet.

ui em nay cug thi 21 o BC a, dong` mon^ rui , chi co nguoi ban vua thi thang truoc bao tam` t4 or t5 cua tuan tiep theo day

có bạn nào thi ielts ngày 14/3/2009 thì có thể share cho mình đề writing task 1&2 với!
Thanks in advance!

Thank you for your review, I learned the nice sentences from you. Hopefully, I hope that more revises will be received after posting my essay.
Cheer

Đây là bài thứ 2 em viết...không biết có khá hơn bài đầu chút nào không nữa. Nhờ các bác chỉnh hộ giúp em với nhé.... Cái này viết ngắn hơn chút....nhưng thấy sao có vẻ nó không đủ ý cho lắm, nhưng mà viết dài thì đi thi không đủ thời gian.
Các bác có kinh nghiệm cho điểm giúp em với....khi nào được 6.0 writting em sẽ tự tin đi thi thử cái thế nào.
Cảm ơn nhiều nha
_________________
Today we are facing to environmental problems from carbon dioxide global warming, or intensive pollution of air and water that is determined as causes of destroying a fresh environment. The preventing our environment is not only a government?Ts responsibility but also each individual?Ts responsibility in society. Hence, we think the ways to solve problems.
First at all, we don?Tt clearly recognize that the amount of waste is disposed every day in rivers and oceans unconsciously. Some of them such as plastic do not absolutely disintegrate into small components so they are still there forever. This cause of pollution of rivers leaded to the huge amount of death of fish and sea-birds. Therefore, we should not use goods wrapped too much layers by plastic. Obviously when its consuming is significantly reduced on market, producers limitedly produce it. Besides, we should be aware that waste is disposed at appropriate places for recycling.

Finally, carbon dioxide global warming is currently considering as the main cause to changing climate in the world. After appointed as the president of America, Obama has been raised attention in this problem as global mission. For us, individuals in society, we can contribute to solve this by cutting down car?Ts use on road. Taking public transportation instead of private car is one of most effective actions to reduce a majority of carbon dioxide in air. For example, a bus with 50 seats will reduce carbon dioxide concentration in air many folders if 50 passengers use private car. Besides, using bicycles is a good way for both protecting environment and exercising.
With positive actions of individuals, I think environmental problems are significantly solved in long term. Protecting environment is responsibility not only for present lives but also for next generations.
Được Vamotngay sửa chữa / chuyển vào 01:50 ngày 15/03/2009
Được Vamotngay sửa chữa / chuyển vào 01:51 ngày 15/03/2009
Được Vamotngay sửa chữa / chuyển vào 01:52 ngày 15/03/2009
Được Vamotngay sửa chữa / chuyển vào 01:53 ngày 15/03/2009
Được Vamotngay sửa chữa / chuyển vào 01:55 ngày 15/03/2009

Bạn ơi, mọi người trên topic cũng chỉ là người học ielts thôi, ko fải là examiner nên khó có thể nói điểm chính xác cho bạn lắm. Tư duy người nước ngoài họ khác mình nhiều. Mình nghĩ bạn cứ luyện viết chăm chỉ, khi nào bạn thấy tự tin thì đi thi. Điều này chỉ có bạn quyết định được thôi.Mình thấy bài thứ 2 bạn viết tốt hơn bài 1, chú ý 1 số lỗi ngữ pháp và học thêm 1 số academic words đi bạn. Chúc bạn may mắn

Bạn ơi, mọi người trên topic cũng chỉ là người học ielts thôi, ko fải là examiner nên khó có thể nói điểm chính xác cho bạn lắm. Tư duy người nước ngoài họ khác mình nhiều. Mình nghĩ bạn cứ luyện viết chăm chỉ, khi nào bạn thấy tự tin thì đi thi. Điều này chỉ có bạn quyết định được thôi.Mình thấy bài thứ 2 bạn viết tốt hơn bài 1, chú ý 1 số lỗi ngữ pháp và học thêm 1 số academic words đi bạn. Chúc bạn may mắn