Class of 2001: Sing joyous songs as you face the w

Class of 2001: Sing joyous songs as you face the world
By DAVE BARRY
Commencement Address to the College Class of 2001: As I gaze upon your eager young faces, I am reminded of the words of a wise old dead person, who said, and I quote: ``As you go through life, always remember one thing.''
Keep those words in mind, Class of 2001, because you are about to go forth into the world, where you will, God willing, have dinner with your parents. But before you do, I have some important advice for you: Return your rental commencement gowns! Otherwise you'll forfeit your $100 deposit, which would be a steep price to pay for a garment that, as you'll discover if you take a whiff of the armpit region, is still giving off b.o. fumes from graduates dating back to 1973.

Let those aromas serve as a reminder that you, the Class of 2001, are but the latest link in a long chain of graduates who have gone forth from this fine college or university. Like them, you are eager to start applying the knowledge you have acquired during countless hours of studying in the library. Here I am of course lying about what you did in college, for the benefit of your parents, who -- after paying tuition bills adding up to the gross national product of Ecuador -- are better off not knowing that you spent the bulk of your academic career seeing how high you could stack empty Budweiser cans.

In any event, I am confident that you, the Class of 2001, will be a big whacking success. But I hope you will also remember the debt of gratitude you owe to the generations that went forth before you, especially my generation, the Baby Boomers. For it was we Boomers -- often admiringly referred to as ``The Largest Generation'' -- who created modern-day America; who inherited what was basically an untamed wilderness and built it up, with our bare hands, into the great nation it is today.

OK, technically we Boomers did not build the nation. We have trouble assembling our barbecue grills. The nation was constructed by large hairy men before we got here. But we Boomers did overcome many brutal hardships. For example, when we were growing up -- and forgive me if my voice trembles with emotion as I recall those painful times -- we had no cell phones. That's right, Class of 2001: When we needed our moms to come pick us up at the mall, we had to walk, manually, until we found a pay phone -- sometimes dozens of yards away!

Yet, somehow, we Boomers survived. Eventually, as our parents started keeling over from heart attacks caused by watching how we raised our own kids, we took their place as America's leaders. Today, we're in charge of everything. But we're getting old and tired. We no longer have a fire in our belly. Our belly now contains what appears to be a volleyball filled with rubber cement.

And so the time has come for us to step down, to pass the torch on to you, the younger generation. Are you ready to take it, Class of 2001? You are? Well tough noogies! We're not giving it up! We LOVE holding the torch. We were very depressed in 1999 when it looked like all these young dot-com millionaire punks were going to take our torch, and we were thrilled when the economy collapsed on them. We would frankly rather have a worldwide depression than give the torch to somebody with an eyebrow ring.

Fortunately, the economy continues to look pretty bad, which means that you, the Class of 2001, will be going forth into a world where you'll have to work for us. Isn't that great, Class of 2001? Because we Boomers are still ``hip.'' You'll see! I guarantee you that, if you get a job at a corporation, sooner or later, you'll find yourself at some fun mandatory corporate social event, and the band (We Boomers pick the band) will launch into a popular song from the Boomers' favorite era (the past). All around you, members of upper management -- the people who control your fate -- will start lurching around on the dance floor, their volleyballs bouncing violently up and down, and they'll sing, with heartfelt emotion, the Boomer Anthem: ``Jeremiah was a bullfrog! Was a good friend of mine!''

Won't that be FUN, Class of 2001? Sing along! Joy to the World! Or else! Maybe you could hide out for a couple more years here in college. Nobody will look for you in the library.




MILOU

Được milou sửa chữa / chuyển vào 19/06/2002 ngày 03:35

Happy graduation.

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DAVE BARRY
Cap n' gown? I'll take the burger n' fries

And so we are gathered here today -- you, the eager members of the Class of 2002, and we, your family members, who will sit on these hard folding chairs until every last eager one of you has picked up a diploma, at which point we will feel as though the entire Riverdance troupe has been stomping on our buttocks.
Because, gosh, there sure are a LOT of you in the Class of 2002! We in the audience are wondering if there is anybody in North America besides us who is NOT graduating today. And although we know this is very exciting for you, the Class of 2002, we are fighting to stay awake.
We have already engaged in the tra***ional time-passing activities of commencement audiences, such as trying to remember the names of all Seven Dwarfs, and looking through the commencement program for comical graduate names. We have nudged the person sitting next to us and pointed to names like ''Konrad A. Klamsucker Jr.'' and ''Vorbanna Freepitude,'' and that has given us brief moments of happiness.
But we can only do that for so long, Class of 2002, and now we are feeling the despair that comes over members of a commencement audience when they realize that 40 minutes have passed, and the dean is just now starting to hand out diplomas to people whose last names start with ''D,'' and the last name of the lone graduate we actually came to see starts with ``W.''
We've decided that, if we ever have another child threatening to graduate from college, we're going to have that child's name legally changed to ''Aaron A. Aardvark.'' Yes, the other families in the audience will make fun of it. But their laughter will turn to bitter envy when our child gets his diploma first, and we get up off these folding chairs and head for a restaurant! Ha ha!
We also think it would be nice if commencement programs had interesting articles for the audience to read, or even short works of fiction with appropriate educational themes. (``As Vorbanna walked across the stage, her tassel swaying seductively, Konrad watched her, his sweating hands caressing the smooth hardness of his embossed leatherette diploma cover, and he thought about that unforgettable night when the two of them, for the first time, matriculated.'')
Another option would be to show movies during the commencement ceremonies. Wouldn't that be great? While we were waiting for specific graduates to get their diplomas, we could enjoy such classic education-related cinema moments as the scene in Animal House where John Belushi imitates a giant pimple by squeezing his cheeks and spewing chewed food out of his mouth. That would surely get a roar of delight and approval from the audience, and whichever graduate happened to be on the stage at that moment would think, ''Gosh, they certainly are excited about my bachelor's degree in Business Transportation with a minor in Tire Management!'' So everybody would benefit.
Sadly, Class of 2002, we are not yet ready, as a society, for this kind of progressive commencement concept. Because the world is not a perfect place. It is a world filled with malice and evil, a world where, today, none of us is truly safe, even in our homes, from the very real danger that a total stranger will call us up and demand that we change our phone company. It will be up to you, the Class of 2002, to tackle these problems -- not only to build a better society for tomorrow, but also to take bold action to correct the injustices of the past, starting by promising to pay your parents back for your college tuition.
Ha ha! That was commencement humor, Class of 2002. Your parents do not expect you to pay them back. All that they expect is that you will go out and find your place in the world. Notice that we say, ''the world,'' as opposed to, 'your parents' house.'' Your parents love you very, very much, Class of 2002, but at this stage in their lives, if they could choose between living with you and living with a Labrador retriever, they quite frankly would go with the Labrador retriever. For one thing, it will not expect them to do its laundry.
In closing, Class of 2002, we would like to leave you with some words of wisdom -- words that may mean little to you now, but words that, trust us, you will some day want very much to remember. Those words are: Sleepy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey and two other ones. Thank you, good luck, and we'll meet you at the restaurant.

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