College Application Essay - International Student: E***ed Essay + Critique

I am applying to XXX because I feel that your school will best help me achieve my objectives of better understanding advertising/PR business. While I have been studying in the United States for two years, I realized that *****ccess my academic goal is very important for me.

As a high school student, I was very unprepared, and easy myself. I went to the college in Japan without having any doubt of my interests. I was interested in Media because I belonged to the photography club for three years, and learned that visual image affect people by many ways. Although I knew that to study Media is not developed in Japan but developed in the United States, I never thought about studying in the United States at that time. To decide what I wanted to study in college, I chose the International Relations because I had an ideal to be a cosmopolitan. While I studied the International Relations in Japan, I started questioning me whether I really wanted to study this or not. I realized that I am not fulfilled my interests, and I decided to transfer from Japan to the United States to study Media.

Studying in the United States for the first half of a year was very tough. My language limitations, cultural differences, and new environment affected my academic life. For the first year, I decided to focus on how I can get used to this new environment. I belonged to Glee Club, Campus Ministry, and AHANA. To belong these communities, I could find a lot of comfortable being myself. After this short period of hard time, I was ready for academic success. Taking photography class, and visual communication class arouse my interest in advertisement. When I got a lot of feedbacks from pictures I took, and the graphic images I made, I believed that the influence that the one image has is immeasurable. However, the more I want to study, the more I can see the limit to study here.

Since I have many friends that go to XXX, I have many opportunities to visit the campus. The more I visit, the more I love what it has to offer. Last summer I had an unforgettable experience at XXX. I lived on campus with a great roommate and I learned a lot in the classroom. The professor was excellent and well prepared. The student I met were so nice and friendly. The students and professors served as a stimulus to me. I know that my English is not perfect but I am confident and know that I have been doing well at XXX.

I believe that XXX is the best place for me to satisfy my academic objectives. Your program seems ideal to me because of your complete range of courses offering a wide spectrum of field of study. I want to learn more about advertising/PR. I am particularly interested in the following courses: Visual Communication Theory; Advertising; Ad Copy and Layout; Public Relations. I am highly motivated and determined *****ccessfully complete your program and I am certain that I will be able to contribute positively.


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Critique

Click Here for the E***ed Version.

XXX,

Your essay was structurally solid, but your relative difficulty with the English language at times obscured the meaning of what you were trying to express. You managed to pack a lot of information into the word limit; my job, then, was to draw on this information in order to clarify your ideas by both refining your language and shoring up your arguments.

The major weak point was, no doubt, the concluding paragraph: it sounded like you were running out of steam. There, I worked to give the essay a more memorable ending.

Elsewhere, rather than make radical (and unnecessary) structural changes, I concentrated on refining your language, highlighting your most interesting ideas, and streamlining the logic of your arguments. Many of these changes are quite subtle, but they have a powerful impact on the overall flow of the text.

I rephrased passages that contained awkward English, eliminated words that seemed extraneous or repetitive, and in a couple of spots varied the vocabulary and the length of sentences.

I took notes on the more substantial changes, as well as certain passages that you might want to consider elaborating on (by paragraph):

P2

RE:"As a high school student, I was very unprepared, and easy myself." The meaning of this sentence is not very clear. I rewrote the transitional portion of this paragraph.

P3

In the original text, it was unclear until too late exactly where you had transferred to, so I moved up the mention of XXX.

P4

What does AHANA stand for? You might want to write it out, and then include the acronym in parentheses.

In the revised version, the logic of the text is clearer, and your arguments are better structured -- without having sacrificed the persuasive tone and efficient analysis of your writing.

Best luck with the transfer process.

Regards,


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E***ed Essay:

EssayEdge significantly improves each essay using the same voice as the author. The only way to evaluate e***ing is to compare the original essay to the e***ed version. We significantly improve essays for both clients who write poorly and for clients who write exceptionally well.

I am applying to XXX because the school possesses a combination of resources and an environment that will help develop my understanding of both advertising and the business field of Public Relations. I have been studying in the United States for two years now, and during this period I have come to realize the importance of acquiring a solid academic foundation before entering the marketplace.

As a high school student, I was very unprepared to make long-term decisions of great consequence. I entered college in Japan without questioning my interests. I had developed a keen interest in Media over three years of activities with a photography club, and during that period I began to understand the many ways in which visual images affect people. I was aware that, even though Media studies in Japan were still not very developed, the field had become a sophisticated field of study in American universities -- yet it never occurred to me that I could venture across the Pacific to pursue my interests in the United States.

When the time came to pick a major, I chose International Relations, because I assumed the discipline would open up doors to a dynamic, cosmopolitan lifestyle. Yet I was never able to muster much enthusiasm for the field: my interest in Media had continued to grow, and I finally started questioning whether I really wanted to pursue a subject that did not grab my attention. I felt that I was not fulfilling my real aspirations. Finally, realizing that I was willing to go far to pursue my real interest, I decided to transfer to XXX in the US, to study Media.

My first six months in the US were not easy. My language limitations, cultural differences, and new environment affected my academic life. I decided that, in order to progress academically, I first had to learn how to be comfortable and to adapt to my new surroundings. I joined the school's Glee Club, the Campus Ministry, and AHANA. By actively participating in these communities, I finally felt comfortable being myself. My successful adaptation was reflected in my studies: I enrolled in classes in photography and visual communication, which nurtured my interest in advertisement.

After receiving much encouragement and very positive feedback on my photographs and graphic projects, I felt more confident than ever in the power of images. Ironically, the more I wanted to study, the more I realized that the resources at XXX are very limited.

Since I have several friends attending XXX, I have had many opportunities to visit the campus. From my visits I have realized that XXX has invaluable resources to offer -- not only in terms of academia, but also in terms of the overall learning environment. Last summer, in particular, I had an unforgettable experience at XXX. I lived on campus with a great roommate and studied under a professor who was always well prepared. Just as importantly, the students I met there were both intellectually engaging and friendly. I felt stimulated in a way that I had never felt at XX, and the experience served to boost my confidence in my own abilities -- even in my English skills, which I am constantly working to improve.

I now know from personal experience that XXX is the best place for me to attain my academic objectives. The program's vast range of courses will allow me to develop a wide perspective of the field. Just browsing through the course catalog -- reading about courses such as Visual Communication Theory, Advertising, Ad Copy and Layout, and Public Relations -- makes me realize that, in order to keep up with such a dynamic fled, I must develop my knowledge and skills at several levels. To maximize my potential and contribute to the field with my full abilities, I would like to complement my unique background and determination with a rigorous academic program such as XXX's.

The Japanese don't speak good English orally despite their writing is not so bad.
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