[English] AFTER THE RAIN (Sau Cơn Mưa)

After the Rain
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Without her usual shyness, she made her way into the hot spring. “Ah, this feels good.”

I removed my jeans and got in wearing only boxer briefs. She watched me intently as I maneuvered over the rocks and into the water.

“Do you run?”

“Yes.”

“I thought so,” she said.

“Why?”

“Because you’re muscular but not bulky.”

“Oh.” I wanted to compliment her but found myself tongue-tied because there were so many things I could say. “You’re . . . very um . . . fit.”

She laughed. “Thank you . . . I think.”

“No, you have a fantastic body, and I see a lot of bodies,” I blurted.

“Oh?”

Nervously, I began to stammer again. What was happening to me? “I . . . I’m a doctor.”

“Yes, I know.”

“That’s why I’ve seen a lot of bodies.”

“Oh, okay,” she said. Her smile was sympathetic.

A sound came from the bushes and suddenly a man and a woman appeared carrying two towels. I splashed across the hot spring to cover Ava with my body.

“Oh, excuse us,” the woman said. “No one’s ever up here.”

I heard Ava laughing quietly against the back of my neck. When I turned to face her we were mere inches apart. “You think this is funny?”

She shrugged, still smiling. “Ask them if they want to join us.”

“Really?”

“Why not, it’s big enough.”

I turned back to the couple still hovering over us. “You’re welcome to join us if you’d like.”

“Thought you’d never ask,” the man said instantly. He quickly pulled off his jeans and shirt and was in the water in his tighty-whities within seconds.

“You don’t have to cover me, this looks like a swimsuit,” Ava said in my ear.

I looked back at her and opened my eyes wide. “That does not look like a swimsuit.”

She pushed me away gently. “It’s okay,” she said.

“I’m Jimmy and that’s my wife, Brenda.” Brenda was stripping down to her bra and underwear. The scene playing out in front of me was shocking, if not mortifying, and every time I looked at Ava she seemed amused.

“Nice to meet you Jimmy, Brenda.” I waved to her without letting my eyes glance at her stark-white body as she entered the hot spring. “I’m . . .”

“This is Tom and I’m Darlene,” Ava blurted out.

What the hell?

“You two live around here?” Jimmy asked.

“Yes, just down the road,” I answered ambiguously because I wasn’t sure why Ava gave him fake names.

“Yeah, us too. Brenda and me, we live over past RW Ranch. We work together at Smith’s Food and Drug. You two ever go there?”

“Oh yeah,” Ava said. “All the time.”

“Y’all got kids?” Brenda asked. She was fully submerged so I could finally make eye contact with her. The couple looked to be in their thirties. Brenda was slightly overweight with dishwater blond hair and small, plain features. Jimmy was completely bald but had a youthful face.

“Yes, we have five. All boys,” Ava said.

I looked at Ava, shocked. She blew a kiss to me like we’d been married for decades. “Yes, that’s right, five boys,” I said, hesitantly. “What about you two?”

“Just one little girl. We’re trying for a boy. That’s why Gramma has little Emmy tonight.” She waggled her eyebrows at Jimmy and the situation became even more uncomfortable, although I don’t think Ava cared; she was getting a kick out of making up a new life story. I was bummed that I wasn’t alone with her, even though Jimmy and Brenda’s presence eliminated temptation. I don’t think I would’ve been able to restrain myself. Ava had wrapped her long hair into a messy bun on the top of her head and her skin was shiny and flushed. I had to keep my mind off of how see-through her camisole was.

“What do you two do for work?” Jimmy asked.

“I’m a writer and he’s a rodeo clown,” Ava said, pointing to me.

I laughed out loud.

Jimmy eyed me. “You don’t look like a rodeo clown. Most of them are scarred up pretty good in the face.”

“I’m really good at what I do,” I deadpanned.

“And Darlene, what kind of things do you write, sweetie?” Brenda asked.

“Fortune cookies. Well, I don’t write the cookies, I write the fortunes.”

“You’re kidding! That’s somethin’ else,” Jimmy said. “Why don’t you share one with us?”

At that point I was dying of laughter inside but trying to play along. It was getting harder and harder to contain myself as Ava kept dishing out the details of our fake life.

“Okay, here’s one. You will find many shiny gifts if you look within. 6, 32, 45, 19, 23, 12.”

“That’s fantastic!” Brenda blurted out.

“Numbers and everything,” I whispered in Ava’s ear. She shrugged one shoulder and batted her eyelashes with pride.

“Jimmy, how did you and Brenda meet?”

“I’ll tell this story, Jimmy. We grew up in Kentucky, went to the same high school and everything, and never knew each other. That’s cause Jimmy’s ten years older than me.” I never would have guessed that but I didn’t say that out loud. Ava and I nodded, encouraging Brenda to continue. “Well, I was workin’ at the Piggly Wiggly and Jimmy here came in one day while I was stocking the shelves. He asked where he could find the best bottle of wine. I showed him to the aisle and then he asked me to pick out my favorite. I didn’t know anything about wine so I picked out the one with the prettiest label and handed it to him. Before I left for work that night, my manager handed me a bag and said that a customer had left it for me. It was the wine and a little note from Jimmy. The note said, ‘If you want to share your wine, give me a call’ with his phone number.”

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“So you called him?” I asked.

“Oh hell no! I let him keep comin’. Each week he’d do the same thing. He’d say, ‘Excuse me ma’am, can you show me to your best wines?’ and I would, and then he would leave the bottle for me with the same note. By the end of that summer, I had the finest taste for wine; I knew exactly which bottles to point out. One night he came in with the same routine except that he didn’t leave the bottle. It was my favorite and he knew it, too. Instead, he waited for me to finish my shift. When I walked out, he was leaning against his shiny white Camaro holding the bottle but he didn’t say nothin’ to me. I got in my car and pulled up next to him, rolled down the window, and said, ‘Hey, you want to share?’ He said, ‘Nope, I think I’ll keep this all for myself.’ ”

Ava started laughing. “I like your style, Jimmy,” she said.

That must be the key, letting her think she has control and then taking it back. Oh god, why am I obsessed with figuring this girl out?

Brenda went on. “So the next time I saw Jimmy in the Piggly Wiggly, I offered to make him dinner, wine included. He came over that night and never left.”

“Yep, true story,” Jimmy said. “I went from taking off her shirt to livin’ in her apartment within hours.”

“Ha! That is a . . . very nice . . . um, sweet story,” I said.

Ava looked peaceful and relaxed. I didn’t want to drag her out of the hot spring but it was getting late and I was afraid she would get cold on the way back.

“We should get going,” I said quietly to her.

Her head rested against the rocks and her eyes were barely open. “Hmm?”

“I’m worried you’ll get cold riding all the way back, sopping wet.”

“That’s nice of you to worry about me,” she said in a relaxed voice.

“So, should we say goodbye?”

“Okay.” She climbed out slowly. The sun had gone down but there was still enough light in the sky to see every inch of Ava in her white-colored, see-through camisole and panties. Jimmy scanned her from head to toe. I scowled at him and then climbed out and wrapped my arm around her.

“Goodbye,” I called back as we climbed up the tiny cliff.

“Goodbye, nice meeting you, Tom and Darlene,” Brenda called out.

When we got to the top, Ava slipped her dress over her head and shivered. “I’m freezing. I have a blanket if you want to ride with me. We can pony Tequila back.”

I wasn’t sure what she was asking. She handed me the rolled-up blanket and then climbed up into the saddle on Dancer’s back. I quickly put my jeans, shirt, and shoes on then looked up at her. She leaned down and tied Tequila’s reins to Dancer’s saddle. “Well, are you gonna get up here and keep me warm or what?”

“Oh.” I climbed up into the saddle behind her. She scooted forward for me to slide in and then sat back. Her tiny ass was right against my crotch. Oh ****, don’t get hard. I wrapped the blanket around both of us and with one hand pulled her toward me so her back was flush against my chest. I reached around her waist and took the reins without argument from her.

Pulling the blanket tight around our shoulders, she leaned her head back to rest just below my chin. I made a clicking sound and Dancer started to move forward, towing Tequila behind us. I didn’t know if I should speak; if I brought Ava back to reality, maybe she would freak out. She was tucked against me so nicely inside our little blanket cocoon. Dancer walked slowly and I didn’t encourage her to go any faster.

“You’re getting the hang of this, cowboy,” she said in a lazy voice.

Doctor cowboy?

“Do you love it here?” I wondered if Ava ever wanted to leave.

“It’s hard to tell now but I know I loved it here before. Look around and take a deep breath. It’s beautiful. Why would anyone want to live anywhere else?”

“Do you plan to stay here forever?” Though I had only known her a couple of weeks, I wanted to take her away from it all back to L.A.

She didn’t answer; she just shrugged. After a few moments, she said, “Nate?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know that I don’t even have a high school diploma?”

Some distant memory surfaced of my mother reminding me that degrees were much easier to strip away than integrity. “That doesn’t matter, Ava. Have you thought about getting your GED?”

“What for?”

I couldn’t answer the question. There was a part of me that wanted *****ggest that it would be helpful in the future, but honestly I couldn’t think of why unless she wanted to find a different kind of job.

Leaning down, I kissed her shoulder. She shivered but didn’t object or respond. “Ava, if you ever want to get your GED I can help you study, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks.” Her tone was inscrutable. “What was it like growing up in the city?”

“I didn’t really. You know how spread out L.A. is. We lived in a rural part of the county on a big piece of property for much of my childhood, so I grew up with land. I even did 4-H.”

“What did you have to do for 4-H?”

“I had to raise a pig. Worst experience of my life.” I felt her laughter vibrate against my chest.

“Why do you say that?”

“I loved that pig. Wonka. He happily followed me around the property and we used to take naps together—I’d sleep on his big belly. He was my buddy. And then there was the auction.”

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“You had to sell him to slaughter, right?”

I put my hand over my aching heart. “The worst part was that my next-door neighbors bought him and their son, little Johnny ****head, would come to school every day and say, ‘Hey, Nate, guess what? I had bacon again for breakfast. Ha ha.’ That little ****er. I wanted to poke his eyes out with my mechanical pencil.”

She laughed again and then put her hand over mine and squeezed. I leaned in and kissed her right behind her ear. She shivered so I pulled her tighter against me. I couldn’t get close enough to her.

CHAPTER 9

Comes and Goes

Avelina

Nate was a perfect gentleman after the hot spring. He took me to my cabin and then rode the horses back to the barn to brush them out. I stayed in that night, finally feeling tired enough and relaxed to sleep without the whiskey. Over the next several days I had many lessons and Nate helped Dale a lot. I rarely saw him except at Bea’s dinner table. She was so happy that I was finally joining them on a regular basis. She’d even ask me to make a side dish once in a while, and I was happy to do it.

One night, Redman, Bea, Dale, and Trish all went into town for the monthly antique auction. Caleb politely declined dinner with us, leaving Nate and me alone. Nate secretly admitted that he was a vegetarian but didn’t want to tell Bea so I made pasta with vegetables and mushrooms in a red sauce. He hovered over me at the stove and watched as I stirred the sauce. “That smells amazing. How about we open a bottle of Bea’s wine?”

“Just make sure it’s not a good one. She’ll kill us.”

As we left the kitchen and headed toward the dining room balancing our full plates and glasses, Pistol began whimpering from outside of the screen door. Without prompting, Nate walked over and let Pistol in, even though the ornery little dog growled at him.

Nate just smiled and followed me into the dining room. Pistol took up residence under my feet at the table. After a few moments of silence, something came over me and I blurted out, “Do you have a girlfriend in L.A.?”

He set his fork down and took a sip of his wine. “No, Ava, I don’t have a girlfriend. I wouldn’t have kissed you if I did.”

“Technically I kissed you.”

“I wouldn’t have let you.”

“Do you date a lot of women? I bet you have women flocking around you all the time.” As soon as I let the words out, I slapped my hand over my mouth and felt a blush creep over my face. I couldn’t believe I had said that to him.

He looked up pensively like he was trying to decide how to answer a question I shouldn’t have asked.

“I haven’t been with anyone in almost five years.” He lifted his eyebrows and looked me dead in the eye.

“Wow. Why?”

“I’ve been busy becoming a surgeon. It consumed me, but I don’t regret it. I never really clicked with anyone in L.A. anyway.”

“Oh.”

“This is delicious,” he said, changing the subject.

“Thank you. Can I ask you something, Nate?”

“Sure.”

“Are you trying to fix me and my heart because of what happened with your patient?”

His fork clanked to the plate loudly. Picking up the napkin and wiping his mouth, he shook his head slowly. He looked penitent and lost in thought. “I don’t know. I mean, no, I don’t think so.”

“The only people you’ve bothered with in five years are people with broken hearts.”

His nostrils flared, his jaw flexed, and he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth.

“I’m sorry, did I offend you?”

“No.” He shook his head as if he were trying to convince himself.

“I just don’t understand why you enjoy being around me.”

“I have no idea why you have such a low opinion of yourself. You’re beautiful and kind, Ava.”

“But . . . I must seem ignorant to you.”

“Don’t say that,” he whispered, looking pained. “That’s far from true. College degrees don’t make you smart, life experiences do. Honestly, that’s something I’ve lacked and it’s probably responsible for much of the reason I failed as a doctor. Since I’ve been here, around you, I’ve learned more about myself and the heart than I did in all my years in college.”

“It’s hard for me to believe that.”

“It’s true, Ava. I’m drawn to you but I don’t think you’re broken, so no, I’m not trying to fix you. I just wish you could see that you still have so much of your life to live. And you have so many people here who care about you.”

I started to tear up. “I guess I do see that now, but what about you? You’re going to leave and then . . .” Tears began filling my eyes before one escaped down my cheek.

Reaching out and wiping it away with the pad of his thumb, he shook his head. “Don’t think about that right now. Can we enjoy being together?” I nodded. “I plan to make some big changes in my life, too, but I won’t forget about you.”

I looked down at my plate but felt ill. I couldn’t take another bite.

He slid his chair away from the table. “Come here, Ava.”

My legs were wobbly as I stood. He gently tugged on my arm, pulling me down onto his lap. I went boneless in his strong arms. Bracing me around my back and neck, he nestled his face near my ear. “You smell so good,” he said. “I won’t ever hurt you, I promise. Tell me what you want. I’ll do anything.”

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I sniffled. “Just hold me.” The skin on his face looked rough with a day’s worth of beard growth. Reaching up, I ran my fingers through his clean hair. It was free of any products and perfectly messy. I leaned over and rubbed my cheek against his rough jawline.

We were startled by the sound of a man clearing his throat behind us. I turned to see a spitting image of Dale, but it wasn’t him. The man I was looking at was older, with more gray hair, and slightly overweight.

“Dad?” Nate said.

“Sorry to interrupt. Where is everyone?”

I immediately bolted up from Nate’s lap and stood next to him awkwardly.

“They’re in town. What are you doing here?”

He walked toward us. “What a nice, polite welcome. Have you learned nothing out here?” He chuckled and the heaviness of the moment was lifted.

Nate stood and hugged his father. Turning toward me, he said, “This is Ava McCrea. Ava, this is Dr. Jeffrey Meyers, the head of cardiothoracic surgery and—”

“More importantly, I’m Nate’s dad. You can call me Jeff,” Nate’s father interjected.

I reached my hand out. “Nice to meet you.”

“Dad, Ava made pasta. It’s delicious. Are you hungry?”

“I’m starving. That sounds perfect.”

“I’ll get a plate for you. Have a seat,” I said nervously.

Jeff went to the dining table but Nate followed me into the kitchen. Standing behind me at the stove, he said, “You don’t have to serve him.”

“I don’t mind. I’ll head back to my cabin so you two can have some time together.”

“Absolutely not. Please, join us, I insist.” I looked up into his pleading eyes. “Please?” he asked again.

“Okay.” Apprehension raced through me but it was overcome almost instantly with the desire to please Nate. I was nervous about how his father would perceive me, and I was surprised that I cared so much. I wondered if he would be able to tell that I was uneducated, or if he would think I wasn’t good enough to be around his son. Part of me wanted to run away and never find out what he thought, but then both men had such sincere looks in their eyes, making me feel welcome and not judged. So I decided to stay.

I sat at the table while he and his father talked about sports and fishing and riding horses. Nate seemed lighthearted and happy to be discussing the simpler things in his life. “So, Dad, seriously though, what brought you out here?”

“Well, I rented a car and I thought we could drive down through Wyoming and go to Yellowstone together.”

Nate’s green eyes lit up even brighter. “I would love that.” I reached under the table to his hand and squeezed it. He shot me the purest, most uninhibited smile.

“We’re meeting with the board Friday so we have almost a week to get back.”

Nate’s face fell. “Oh,” he said, suddenly looking very disappointed. I knew he was running away from what he perceived was a monumental career fail. Yet I didn’t get the sense that his father agreed. He seemed very matter-of-fact about it, as if losing patients was just part of the job. But Nate was clearly beating himself up over it.

We wrapped up dinner and did the dishes, then Nate offered to walk me back to my cabin. At the door, he asked if he could come in. I showed him around the inside, which I had recently rid of Jake’s belongings. He held up a picture of me standing in front of Dancer and holding a trophy from the rodeo where I’d met Jake.

“What did you win?”

“I used to barrel race. You know what that is?”

“Of course I do. I live in Los Angeles, not under a rock. Why don’t you race anymore?”

“Dancer is too old, and anyway I used to go to the rodeos with Jake.”

“Oh. Well you can always train a new horse, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.” But what about the other part?

He moved toward several stacks of books crowding my small dining area. “You like to read?”

“Yes.”

“What do you like to read?”

“Everything.” I stood right behind him and when he turned, we were face-to-face.

“Everything?”

“Except romance.”

I looked at his lips. One side of his mouth turned up very subtly and he looked deep into my eyes. My own eyes darted to the ceiling nervously. He took a step toward me and bent his body so that he hovered over me and all I could see was him. I attempted to drop my head down to look at the floor but his fingers tipped my chin up. “Don’t look away. I want to look at you. Can I do that?”

I nodded slowly.

He leaned in and kissed my cheek with a delicate ease before moving to my neck. Near my ear he whispered, “Is this okay?”

“Yes,” I said, breathing heavily.

When he tugged on my earlobe with his teeth, I moaned so quietly I thought only I heard it, but he gripped me tighter and whispered, “I like that sound, Ava.”

A tingling heat raged through me, pulsing through my veins from the center of my body and outward to my limbs like tiny stars exploding under my skin.

“I want you. Maybe someday I can have you?”

“Maybe,” I said, breathless.

“We can go slow.”

I let him kiss my mouth and then I pulled away. “But, you’re leaving tomorrow.”

Instead of answering me, he kissed me on the mouth again and I opened for him, our tongues and arms and hands twisted up in each other, full of a passion I hadn’t felt in years. Then he abruptly stepped back and put a hand over his heart. “Come with me. Come with us.”

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“I . . . I . . .”

Moving swiftly toward me, he swept me up and against the wall. “God, I have to have you.” He was out of breath. “Please.”

“Nate, I . . .”

He pulled away again and braced my shoulders. “Forget about him.”

My eyes shot open. I was shocked by the harshness of his statement. “What are you saying? How could I forget about him? He was my husband and I loved him. I still love him.”

Anyway, what happened to taking it slow?

He dropped his head in dejection. When he glanced back up, he looked absolutely shattered. Yet he remained undeterred in his pleas. “He killed himself, Ava. He left you behind.”

The passionate heat I felt before boiled over into anger. When he arched his eyebrows as if he wanted a response, I lost it. “I remember! I remember every moment before and every heart-shattering moment after. You don’t because you weren’t there. You don’t know what it feels like to watch your soul leave your body and drive away in the back of a coroner’s van. Don’t ever tell me to forget. I will never forget. I don’t know how I’ll ever be normal again when I still see his dead body on my floor every time I walk through that door. What’s worse is that I’m the reason he did it. Did you know that, Nate?” He took a step back but I didn’t let up. “Did you know that Jake would be alive right now, walking around like the rest of us, if it weren’t for me? Did you know that? Huh?” He didn’t respond, just cringed like the sound of my voice pained him. I let out a heavy breath. “I can never forget,” I said and then collapsed to the floor, dropped my head in my hands, and began sobbing.

He bent down toward me, placing his hand on my back and rubbing up and down. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say or how to make it better.” I shook my head, letting him know there was nothing he could do. A moment later, all I heard was his footsteps retreating. In a low voice he said, “I’m sorry,” again and then I heard the sound of the door shutting behind him.

It was hard for me to explain to Nate that every time I thought about moving on with my life, I would think about the last words Jake had spoken to me. You want to come with me, don’t you? he’d said over and over. It played in my mind like a broken record. I constantly wondered what Jake was thinking in those final days or even the final moments right before he mouthed, I love you, then put a gun in his mouth.

I remembered one time, before his accident, when he told me that he felt like we were born as two halves of the same heart, like one of those friendship trinkets with two pieces that interlock along a fractured edge. When we came together, we fused so tightly that the heart became solid again, no visible signs or even the memory of a fracture. When Jake pulled the trigger, the sound of that gunshot shattered our shared heart into a million pieces. After his death, I searched for those pieces for years. I was desperate to find them, just as a reminder that our love had existed.

One time Bea told me to say a Catholic prayer but *****bstitute the word God with love. The first line I said was, “I believe in love.”

She said, “See, same thing.”

How do we keep going knowing that the same love that brought us here could push us apart? How could I call that love?

When you lose faith in love, you lose a sense of who you are. I was smart enough to know that what Jake did was selfish but was also sad for him. His pathetic legacy had left me feeling sorry for him for what felt like an eternity. It made me resent him. I tried to hear Trish’s words, to remember Jake during the good times, but when he took his life he destroyed my sense of self-worth, and for that I was angry. I was mad, heartbroken, and guilt-ridden, which left me too paralyzed to move forward. How ironic.

CHAPTER 10

From Where I Stand

Nathanial

“You enjoying your steak and eggs?”

“Mmm, Bea’s still got it,” my father said from the round breakfast table in the kitchen the next morning. Bea and Redman had already gone out to work, leaving my father alone in his joyful gluttony. I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down with him.

“You’re a heart doctor, you must know how much cholesterol is in that meal.”

“Moderation is the key, Nate. You don’t have to cut out everything.”

When he began gnawing on the steak bone, I looked away. “We’re leaving today?”

“Actually, I told Dale we’d go out with him to do his rounds and spend one more night here and head out tomorrow.” He sat back in his chair and rubbed his belly. “I’m enjoying this.”

“I bet. You don’t have Mom measuring your portions.”

“Speaking of beautiful women, what exactly did I walk in on last night?”

It was the beginning of the father/son conversation I had always craved, but I found myself at a loss for how to explain the situation. “I was just hugging her.”

“On your lap?”

“I like her.”

“Ahh. So that’s what happened. I wondered why you weren’t hassling me to come back to the hospital.”

“Do you know anything about her?” I asked him.

“Your uncle filled me in.”

“She’s very . . . I don’t know . . . guarded. But when she’s not around other people she’s funny and smart and sweet.”

“Well, that’s all that matters, I suppose,” he said earnestly.

“I don’t think she can let herself really get to know anyone, though.”

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“In my experience, moving on is part of healing. Think of it like physical therapy during rehabilitation for an injury. You start to use the muscles again while they’re healing, but you have to take it slow and build the strength back before you can make a full recovery. The heart’s a muscle. Did you forget that already?”

I laughed. “Are we talking about matters of the heart in doctor-speak?”

“Why not? This is our shared language. We could use a golfing metaphor if that works better for you.”

I laughed. “That would play more to my strengths.”

He chuckled then leaned in, grasping my arm. “All joking aside, you’re my son and I’m your dad. Every other way in which we’re related is secondary. So think about that when I tell you that you have the potential to be a better surgeon than me. But nothing would make me prouder than if you became a better husband and father.”

I jerked my head back and fought the lump growing in my throat. “You’re a great dad.”

“I put a lot of pressure on you and I regret it.”

“What has gotten into you, Dad?”

He looked up to the ceiling thoughtfully and then smiled. “Perspective. I think you may be getting a taste of it, too. Son, I want to have barbecues and go on trips and watch my grandchildren grow up.”

“You’re skipping ahead pretty fast here.”

“All I’m trying to say is that in the week after you lost the patient, I started to really question my own life. I thought about the good times, and as much as I like being a surgeon, the best memories from my life did not take place in the hospital.”

“I understand what you mean. I’m working on it, Dad.”

“Nate, remember when we used to watch football and yell at the TV? Or when your mom would go on those girl trips and we would spend the whole weekend eating junk food and watching movies?”

“I remember.”

“Aren’t those the best memories?”

“Yeah, Dad, they are.”

“Do you think of your first bypass that way? The first time you held a human heart? Did you feel joy or determination?”

“I think I get what you’re saying, but I’m pretty sure I felt joy when the surgery was a success.”

“See, I think you’re confusing your feelings. What you probably felt was relief; the joy was for the person you saved, not for yourself. Sure, it’s gratifying to know you saved a life, but it’s not nearly as gratifying as knowing you created one. Joy is family, life, all of it—the big stuff and the small stuff. Just holding the woman you love in your arms can make a hard day at work fade away.”

“Whoa, Dad. I’ve never heard you talk like this.”

“I just want you to think about it. That’s all.”

I stood up and hugged him. “Thank you. I’m going to see if Ava will join us for dinner.”

“That’s a great idea. A little physical therapy for the heart—yours and Ava’s.”

I laughed. “Thanks, Dr. Romance.”

“My pleasure.”

Once outside, I noticed right away that Dancer was not in her corral. One of the fillies was also missing. Uncle Dale was packing up the dually for our day out. We were going to check up on other animals at nearby ranches.

“Have you seen Ava?”

“She had some lessons today.”

“One of the fillies is gone. Does she teach lessons on a horse that young?”

“She mentioned something to Trisha about training the black filly. She’s on the RW ranch today for the kids’ lessons. They have barrels there so maybe she’s going to get a workout in. I was surprised to hear that she’s getting back into it. Did you have something to do with that, Nate?”

“We talked about it.”

“I’m happy she’s doin’ it. It gives her more to focus on. Anyway, when your dad’s ready we’ll head out. Later this afternoon we’ll be going to RW, so maybe we’ll catch Ava.” He looked up with a knowing smile.

“I’d just like to say goodbye to her before we leave tomorrow,” I said defensively.

I helped Dale carry his bags to the bed of the truck. He looked down at my boots. “Where’d those come from?”

“Ava.”

He chuckled. “Hop in the backseat, kid, and let your dad sit in front.”

I was starting to remember what it was like to be young again and I liked it.

We waited in the truck for twenty minutes until my father came wobbling down the steps from the main house. On his third step down, Dale laid on the horn and yelled out the window, “Hurry up, you old man!”

I could see my dad say, “I’m comin’, I’m comin’.”

Dale turned in his seat. “He needs to lose some weight.”

“I know.”

My dad walked past the truck into the barn. “What the hell is he doin’?” Dale asked.

“No clue,” I said.

He came back out with a ton of fishing gear in his hands and his fly-fishing vest draped over his shoulder.

Dale rolled down the window. “I don’t know if we’ll have time for that, Jeff.”

“Well, let’s make time. I want to teach my boy to fly-fish and I want you to help me,” he said in his matter-of-fact tone.

“Throw it in the back, then.”

Uncle Dale looked at me in the rearview mirror, and even though I could only see his eyes, I knew he was smiling. When my father finally got in the truck, we made our way down the long dirt driveway onto the main road.

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We went first to a local cattle ranch so Uncle Dale could deliver some medicines, then we made our way several miles south to a home of horse owners who had called complaining that their six-year-old quarter horse was thrashing around.

“What do you think it is, Doc?” my father said to my uncle as we drove toward the house at the top of a hill.

“Probably just colic, or some kind of impaction.”

“I think we should let Nate examine the horse. What do you think?”

“Sure, that’s a great idea.”

I kept quiet in the back but wondered why they were acting so strangely.

We pulled up behind a huge red barn where we were met by two young women. They greeted us with friendly smiles. I noticed the taller of the two had her blond hair braided perfectly over her shoulders.

Dale waved as he walked past them into the barn. “Morning, ladies.”

“Morning, Dale,” they said in unison.

“I’m Nate.” I put my hand out as I approached, but they started laughing. The shorter, dark-haired girl looked away shyly.

“We know,” the girl with braids said. “You’re the doctor.”

“Yes, I’m a doctor.”

“I’m a doctor, too,” my father interrupted wryly, but the girls didn’t seem to care.

They followed us into the barn where we found Dale in one of the stalls looking over a mare.

“Get in here, Nate, and put on one of those gloves.” He pointed to a long plastic glove hanging out of his case.

My father leaned over the stall door and watched the show. “Go on, Nate. Get the glove on, son.”

I moved into the stall, took the glove in hand, and proceeded to pull it all the way up to my shoulder. The girls watched and tried *****ppress their laughter.

“What’s going on?”

“Come on, Nate. You can’t be that clueless,” my dad said.

Dale turned to him. “See how smart that fancy college made your boy?”

I looked to the girls for a clue. The short one laughed into her hands before the one in braids said, “You’re gonna have to stick your hand up the horse’s ass and pull out the poo.” She burst into laughter and then they scurried away.

“What? No. No. I can’t. Do you know how much these hands are worth?”

“Come on, Nate, give me a break. Nothing is going to happen to your hand, just be gentle with her. You don’t want to get kicked in the balls. I can’t imagine it feels very good to have a bony arm like yours up her ass.” My father was really enjoying himself.

“Why do I have to do this?”

“Because we’ve both paid our dues.”

“Dear god.” I moved toward the rear of the mare and looked up to Dale.

“Pet her real nice, right there on her behind. Let her know you come in peace.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“And a horse’s ass.”

“Stop it, Dad!”

Dale came over with a large milk jug full of clear gel. “Hand out, son. Got to lube her up first.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. You two are enjoying this.”

“Immensely,” my father said.

Uncle Dale continued petting the mare’s head and trying to calm her. “Nate, I’ve done this a million times. Dolly here is constipated. She needs us to help her out. Now work your way in there and see if you can’t find the blockage.”

I hesitated, staring at Dolly’s hindquarters as she whipped her tail around.

“She seems pissed,” I said.

“She’s just really uncomfortable. You’ll see once you grow a set and get this procedure under way.”

“I don’t know if I should be doing this. This horse isn’t familiar with me.”

“What do you want to do, take her out on a date? You’re a doctor, kid. Buck up.”

With no expression on my face, I looked back toward the stall door and my father’s smug grin. “No more talking, Dad.”

I pushed my hand into poor Dolly’s backside and immediately discovered the culprit. The odor alone could have killed a small animal. Gagging, I pulled handful after handful of . . . well . . . poo, out of the horse’s enormous anal cavity. About ten minutes into the procedure, Dolly seemed to relax and feel better.

“She likes you, Nate,” my uncle said.

I’d had too many encounters with **** since I’d been on the ranch to find humor in anything my father or uncle said. “That’s it. She’s good,” I mumbled as I pulled the disgusting glove off my hand. I walked out into the main part of the barn to a sink where I attempted to wash the skin off my hands.

The girl with the braids came over. “Hey, Nate. You did really good in there.”

“Thanks. It took a great deal of skill pulling poop out of that horse’s butt.”

“How long are you in town for?” She didn’t get that I was making a joke.

I stepped back and dried my hands on my flannel shirt. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“Wanna go out and have some fun tonight?”

I crossed my arms over my chest, ****ed my head to the side, and looked down at her in a fatherly way. “How old are you?”

“Twenty-five.” She looked seventeen at best.

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am. I’ll show you my driver’s license.”

“No need . . .” I paused, realizing I didn’t even know her name.

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“Darla,” she offered.

“Well, Darla, I’m actually seeing someone so I’ll have to politely decline your offer.”

“Oh, is it one of your doctor friends in Los Angeles?”

“Actually . . .” For a moment I thought I would use Ava as my excuse, but I quickly realized how fast word travels in a place like this. She seemed to know a lot about me already. “I mean yes, someone from L.A.”

“Oh. For a minute I thought you were gonna say you were dating that freak, Ava.”

“What? Why in the world would you say that about her?”

Realizing I was affronted, she quickly changed her tune. “I mean, I don’t know Ava that well, but everyone around here calls her a freak.”

“Why do you think that is, Darla?” I drew out the last syllable of her name in an unnatural way as I struggled to keep my tone neutral.

She shrugged.

“I have no idea who you’re referring to when you say ‘everyone here,’ but I do know one thing. Ava isn’t a freak at all. She’s smart, beautiful, and talented. A lesser woman might find that intimidating. It was nice to meet you, Darla.”

Still speechless, she managed to squeak out a “bye” as I walked past her.

I was feeling more and more defensive of Ava as I saw how others treated her. There was little compassion for her, it seemed. It was like the hard-knock cowboy life had made everyone a bit callous when it came to death, even one like Jake’s. They didn’t seem to appreciate the impact of a tragedy like that on a man’s widow.

My father’s intention was exactly as I suspected. He sent me out to the ranch so I could see this hardened way of life and learn that some people aren’t given a magical antidote for every problem. These were matters of the heart in many ways but not in the way that I knew the heart. It was strange how being faced with death on a regular basis in the hospital and knowing that I could save a life with my own hands had given me a false sense of what it means to be alive. I was learning that being alive means knowing the threat of dying is there but facing your mortality and moving through it anyway.

I kept quiet while my father whistled a nameless tune. My uncle pulled down a small dirt road to the bank of a stream. We got out and walked down to the tree line so we could see if it was a good fishing spot. It was the widest and most still part of the river, probably five feet deep in the middle at least. Uncle Dale knew exactly where he was going and it looked like my father was familiar as well.

They gathered their gear from the back. My dad pulled on a pair of wader overalls and my uncle handed me a pole. We got to the stream and I watched my dad, completely oblivious to everyone else, walk out into the middle of the water and begin casting his fly rod. “He needs this,” my uncle said to me. “Probably more than he’d like to admit it.”

“I know. He’s under a lot of pressure at the hospital.”

“I hear you’re in a bit of a mess yourself?”

My uncle began casting, using one hand to pull the slack as the other whipped the fly line off the top of the water, letting the fly lure flick against the surface over and over.

“I think it’ll all be okay. We would have heard something by now.”

“All I’m trying to say, Nate, is that you may need a little more of this in your life, too.”

“I know. I’ve been looking at other hospitals. I’m thinking about getting out of L.A.” I wasn’t ready to tell my father but I knew Dale would understand.

“It’s why I’m here, kid. There are horses everywhere and I lived in the city long enough before. It doesn’t make you any smarter living in the city. If anything, you start to lose sight of the important things when the big buildings are always crowding your view. Trisha and I decided a long time ago that we wanted to live in a place where we could see the sky stretch from one horizon to the other. It’s important to know how small you are.”

“I can’t say I don’t agree with you, but why is Ava still on the ranch? It doesn’t seem like the right place for a young, single girl.”

“She works there. That’s her job, plus she has room and board. And she’s not a single girl, she’s a widow.” There was a rough edge to his voice.

“Maybe she feels like she has nowhere else to go.”

“She had options. Her brother’s some high-powered attorney in New York City. He came out after Jake . . . you know . . .”

“Killed himself.”

“Yeah. Her brother came out to take her back to New York with him and she fought to stay. She didn’t want to leave. Redman said he’d pay for her to go to Spain to see her mom and she refused. She loves the horses, and that’s pretty much all she’s got, besides us.”

“That girl back at the other ranch called Ava a freak. Why?”

He let out a big breath. “Well, Ava keeps to herself and mostly talks to the horses. Not too friendly with people.”

“You all talk to the horses.”

“True.” He laughed and stopped quickly. “She was in Bozeman one night for the rodeo and got drunk at the bar and made a bit of a scene.”

I squinted, shaking my head. “What? No. What do you mean?” That didn’t sound like Ava.

“There was an incident with a guy, you know, a roper who had come into town. There’s a festival and rodeo down in Bozeman every year, and she had met him there and then got a little fixated on him. He looked just like Jake and rode his horse the same way, with a bit of arrogance and showmanship.”

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“So what, she slept with him?” Saying the words made my stomach ache, but Ava was a grown woman who had been through a lot. There was little Dale could say that would taint my view of her.

“No, he was married and kept his distance, but she sure as hell tried. She ended up drunk at Pete’s, beggin’ him and talking all kinds of nonsense.”

“She was grieving. No one had any sympathy for her?”

“We all do, Nate. We knew Jake before the accident. We knew what a good man he was. Ava and Jake were so in love and so happy. He was playful with her, he doted on her, but a lot of his confidence was based on being a certain kind of man. After the accident, I think Jake felt like less of a man, so he got really mean with her. He would beat her sometimes and was verbally awful to her. Everyone saw this and couldn’t understand why Ava stuck around. She would go into town with split lips and both eyes swollen.”

I winced. “Jesus.” I had no idea it had gotten that bad, and I was surprised that Ava would have put up with it. It was becoming more and more clear to me that she had given Jake everything, even staying loyal to him after he had become a monster. The heartbreak she must have felt after what she had already endured would be overwhelming for anyone. I knew it would take a lot to open her up again but I also knew I wanted to try. I hoped that I wasn’t kidding myself or trying to fill some void of my own. “So what happened, Dale?”

“I guess when she followed that guy to the bar she was really far gone. She kept calling him Jake. She told him he could hit her if he would hold her after.”

I sucked a breath of air in through my teeth. The last part gutted me. I felt terrible for her.

Dale continued. “The bartender called Red and he had to get her at two in the morning.”

“My god. Does she need help?” I couldn’t understand why they never urged her to see a therapist.

“We’re all giving her love, and she has come a long way. That might be hard to believe. Redman keeps trying to get her to go to church. I know that’s not your thing, Nate, but I think it would help her.”

“Believing that her dead husband will spend an eternity in hell after taking his own life might be a hard pill for her to swallow. Especially since he got injured trying to save her. I’m talking about professional help.”

“There’s no magic cure for this, Nate.”

“I know, but seeing someone, talking to someone in a safe place, couldn’t hurt her either.” I was thoroughly determined to convince him.

“You have a point,” he said. “And it might also give her a way to look outside of herself.” He looked up to the sky thoughtfully before continuing. “I think we’re all hoping something will bring her out of the fog. You seem to be helping, but now you have to go back.”

“I’ll be gone for a few days. I’ll have another week before my leave is up, if I even have a job still. Who knows, I might be applying as your vet assistant soon.”

“Well, I would love to have you,” he said instantly. “We could always use an extra long arm like yours around here.” Dale’s mouth broke into a teasing grin.

“Ha ha.”

My father came walking toward us with a trout flopping from his line. “Your dear old Dad’s still got it.”

My uncle shook his head. “In the middle of the day. I can’t believe it. You’re the luckiest son of a bitch.”

“Well, throw it back. We have a few hours before we get back to the ranch and there’s nowhere to put that thing until then.”

I watched as my father pried the lure from the inside of the fish’s mouth. Once it was out, he put the small fish in the shallow water and held it until it glided out of his hand and into the depths. He held up the lure. “Here son, the hopper. It’s my old faithful. You keep that one for yourself. Use it when you come back. It works every time.” He knew I couldn’t stay away.

I took it from his hands and held it up. “Thanks, Dad.” Being there with my dad was so unlike any experience I’d had with him in recent years. We stopped in a little pub for lunch on our way to RW ranch. Dale asked my father about work, which sent him into a twenty-minute description of a heart transplant he’d assisted on the week before. I stared up at the neon beer signs above the bar and tuned my father out while he talked. It was the first time I’d ever done that; usually I hung on his every word.

“Am I boring you, Nate?” He smiled but there was a serious edge to his voice.

“Not at all. I was just thinking about how nice it was to not talk about surgery for a while,” I said, a little edgy myself.

Dale crossed his arms and looked away. Without words, he basically said, You two work this out.

“You’re right, and that’s exactly why I thought it would be a good idea for you to come out here. Just tell me though, how’s your confidence? How do you feel about getting back to work?” His tone held true concern and I backed down.

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it much.”

“That’s a good sign.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I think so. Now, let’s get this kid an order of Rocky Mountain oysters and call it a day. Whaddya say, Dale?”

“Absolutely.”

“**** you guys, I’m not falling for that one.”

We all laughed and then my father slapped me on the back. “Glad to see you’re catching on.”

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The sun was starting its descent as we made our way to RW ranch. We drove up a dirt road on one side of the property, then Dale hopped out to drop off medications to someone near the barn. When he returned, we started heading down the opposite way we had come up.

“This road heads back to the ranch. Someone saw Ava’s truck and trailer down here by the barrels.”

When the land flattened, I could see a barrel track and corral in the distance. As we got closer, the sun dropped behind the mountains. The light still flooding the sky turned cool and gray. Ava’s truck was parked next to the corral, but it wasn’t until we passed that we encountered a horrifying sight I would never forget.

Ava waved her arms at us to stop but we looked past her to the arena. We were speechless as we watched Dancer hop around frantically with a very visibly broken leg. Her back left leg below the knee joint was hanging off loosely and flopping around as she thrashed against the metal corral. We stopped and jumped out of the truck.

The sound of Dancer’s bridle clinking against the bars drowned out all other sounds. The other horse, the black filly, was saddled and tied to a post nearby. She vocalized and swished her tail, clearly distressed by the scene playing out in front of us. Dale approached Ava first. He yelled something at her but she pushed him and ran toward the truck, her face red from exhaustion. I yelled to her but she didn’t stop.

Dale came running after her. “Ava, don’t do that, please.”

She didn’t respond to Dale or acknowledge my father or me. She walked past us, to the back passenger door of Dale’s truck, pulled the seat forward, and removed a .22-caliber rifle. She loaded it and moved hurriedly toward the corral. We all followed as Dale tried desperately to make her stop.

“Ava, you may not hit the right spot. We can go back to the ranch, I’ll get the medicine and we can euthanize her the humane way.”

Holding the rifle to the ground, she turned and screamed, “There is nothing humane about that, Dale. It’ll take you at least an hour to get back here.”

“We might not need to put her down.”

“Look at her!” Her voice was so desperate and she was crying hysterically. “Look. At. HER!”

It was hard to look at Dancer. I couldn’t imagine how Ava was feeling.

“At least let me take the shot.”

She sniffled, wiped her face with the back of her hand, stood up straight, composing herself, and said, “No. I have to do it.”

She walked stoically into the corral and stood in front of Dancer, who was now on her belly, still thrashing against the aluminum posts. Ava lifted the weapon high and aimed right at the spot between Dancer’s ears. “Be still,” she said calmly. The horse immediately stopped moving. As unintelligent as I know horses are, there was a moment in Dancer’s stillness when I thought she knew Ava was trying to take her pain away. “Goodbye.”

She fired the gun.

The ringing of the shot echoed against the distant mountains, leaving a buzzing hum in my ears. Dancer’s body fell lifeless to the side. The kick from the rifle sent Ava stumbling back against a small shed in the corral behind her. She let loose one long sob before I went running toward her.

“Ava?” I said, but she didn’t turn around. She stood over Dancer’s body for several moments then leaned the rifle against the corral and slowly walked away. The three of us watched and waited to see what she would do.

Dale called to her, “Ava, come here, sweetheart. We’re so sorry.” She ignored him as she untied the filly from the post. Dale squared his shoulders and started walking quickly after her. We followed. “What are you gonna do, sweetie? Don’t get on that horse, please, Avelina.”

“I’m riding back,” she said as she hopped up into the saddle.

“It’s not a good idea. It’s almost dark and it’s far and that horse is un-broke.”

“She’s broke. She’s wearing a saddle with a rider in it, isn’t she?” Right at that moment the filly threw her head back. Ava yanked on the reins with both hands, reprimanding her.

“Ava, please don’t,” I said to her. “You’re not thinking straight.”

My dad even tried to plead with her. “It’s not safe, honey. Why don’t you get down? Nate can drive you back.”

I held my hand out to her but she looked away and pulled the reins, turning the horse in a circle. She gave the filly a swift kick and they were off, a black blur in the fading light.

“Jesus Christ,” Dale said. “She’s gonna get herself killed.”

“I think that’s what she wants.” My father’s words stung my ears.

“Are we gonna go after her?” I asked, feeling panic rise.

“She’ll stay off the road. The best we can do is get things taken care of with Dancer and then get back to the ranch.”

“God, poor Ava. She was just starting to come around,” I said. “Are we going to bury the horse?”

“No, we’ll call a company to come out here and remove her,” Dale said.

“I think we should bury her on the ranch so Ava will have a place to visit her.”

My father and Dale looked at each other like they were contemplating it. While I waited for an answer, I felt drop after drop of rain hit my skin until it started drizzling steadily. All the while I worried about Ava.

“Okay,” Dale said, finally. “I’ll have to run up and borrow Henry’s tractor.”