[English] AFTER THE RAIN (Sau Cơn Mưa)

After the Rain
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“I’ll stay here with Dancer,” I said firmly.

They drove up the hill and returned shortly with a big tractor. We managed to get the horse into the front loader. “You’re gonna drive this thing back to the ranch, Nate, since this was your idea.”

“Okay,” I said with a curt nod. I had no idea what I was agreeing to. Dale took off ahead of us in Ava’s truck while my father followed me in Dale’s truck. The tractor would only go about twenty-five miles per hour. I essentially drove that thing with no headlights except for the light from my uncle’s truck behind me, in the freezing cold, pouring rain for fifteen miles down a country road with a dead horse in the front loader.

My uncle met us at the bottom of the driveway leading up to the ranch. “She’s okay,” he yelled over the loudness of the engine.

“Where is she?” I asked.

“She’s in her cabin. You can go up there after we get this horse in the ground. Get down, Nate, I need to dig the hole.”

I removed Dancer’s bridle and saddle while Dale used the backhoe to dig a twenty-foot grave. When he finished, he turned the tractor around and unceremoniously dropped the horse into the hole. Something painful struck me suddenly. I thought about Lizzy and her young body in the darkness below, the promise of a beautiful life ahead of her gone. Then I did something I’d never done in my life: I prayed. I’m not sure who I was praying to but that’s what I was doing as I watched the tractor dump bucket after bucket of mud on top of Dancer. I prayed that there was something more for Lizzy and Jake and the damn horse we were burying. But most of all I prayed there was something more for Ava while she was here on earth.

After my uncle was finished, I drove Ava’s truck up to the barn. Bea was waiting on the porch with towels.

“Look at you boys. What kind of foolishness are you three up to, burying a horse in this rain?”

I took the towel and began drying off. “Have you checked on Ava?”

“She’s okay. I took her some dinner. Get in here and get warm first.”

My uncle went off to his cabin while my father and I followed Bea inside of the main house. “Jeffrey, you go ahead and use the guest shower. Nate can use the shower in our bathroom.”

I followed her into the master bedroom at the back of the house and into the large bathroom. She reached behind the curtain and started the water for me. “I can do this, Bea.”

“You’re shaking like a sober drunk.” She began to yank on my jacket. “Let me help you out of these clothes. Don’t worry, I’m not lookin’.”

She helped get my shirt over my head then turned away, sat on the closed toilet, and sighed. I had no idea what she was doing. I stripped out of my jeans and quickly got behind the curtain into the shower.

“Feelin’ better, Nathanial?”

“Yes, I’m good, Bea,” I said, wondering when she was going to leave.

“Good. You gonna go see Ava after you’re cleaned up?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Because I’m tired, kid.”

“Yeah? Of what?” I asked, wondering where she was going with this.

“I’m tired of seeing her in pain. I don’t want to be insensitive, but I’ve been wondering when she’s gonna get over Jake. And now this. She loved that horse so much. Had her since she was a kid.”

I turned the water off, reached for a towel, and stepped out. “I know, Bea. It was like they were connected. I don’t know what I’m going to say to her.”

She looked up at me and then down to where the towel was wrapped around my waist.

“Maybe try something other than words.”

My eyes shot open. “Bea! What are you saying?”

Laughing, she said, “It’s lookin’ like the ranch is doing you some good.” I had put on a couple of pounds since I had been there. They had me working every minute of the day, so most of it was muscle. I chuckled as I made my way past her and down the hallway. I went to my room and dressed in jeans, Chucks, and a pullover sweater. By the time I made it to Ava’s cabin the rain had stopped and she was asleep on the porch swing, wrapped in a blanket, like I had found her before. I watched her take steady breaths. I was uncertain if I should wake her or just carry her inside, but I knew I couldn’t leave her out there. She looked angelic in the low light. The skin on her face was perfectly smooth and she looked peaceful, even though I knew that wasn’t possible.

CHAPTER 11

Whiskey Says Go

Avelina

I was startled awake when I felt myself being lifted from the porch swing. My eyes shot open to see Nate looking down at me. I was cradled in his arms as he made his way into my cabin. “Hi, beautiful,” he whispered. “How are you feeling?”

“Drunk and sad,” I murmured.

“I know. How much of that bottle did you drink?”

“Not enough, apparently, because I’m still conscious.” He shook his head as he moved through my living room and into the bedroom. He set me down to stand on my feet. “Thank you.”

I wobbled so he braced me and then gently pushed me to sit on the edge of the bed. I looked down at my tattered quilt to where a section of the stitching had come undone. I slid my hand over the spot to cover it so Nate wouldn’t see it but when I looked up he was wearing a pitying smile.

He shook his head. “Don’t be ashamed. You should see my apartment. I don’t even have curtains.”

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I managed a weak laugh.

“There’s that sound.”

I stopped immediately when I suddenly felt a shock of pain for Dancer. “Why? Why did that have to happen today?”

He shook his head. “I’m so sorry.”

“I was riding her fine, not even hard, around the barrels. She just stepped wrong.”

He got very serious and took my face in his hands. “You know this isn’t your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself for these things.”

“These things?” I scowled. “You mean everyone I love dropping like flies all around me? You should run far and fast from me. Why are you even here?”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “Because I care about you.”

“You barely know me.” I looked pointedly at him.

“I know you enough. I’d like to get to know you better. And like I said, I care about you.”

“You feel sorry for me.”

“No.” He shook his head. “Don’t insult me and don’t insult yourself.”

“Look at you.” I waved my hand toward his finely muscled body. “And you’re a doctor. You’d have no problem finding someone.”

“You’re someone, and I’m having a hell of a hard time.”

I laughed but quickly looked away shamefully. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t take this out on you.”

“Don’t apologize.” He knelt in front of me and reached for my boots. Slipping them off he said, “Do you want a bath?” I nodded. He got up and went into the bathroom, then I heard the water go on. I stood but swayed, and he came rushing toward me. “Let me help you, Ava.” He led me into the bathroom and reached for the bottom of my T-shirt. “Arms up.” I lifted them as he pulled my shirt off. I unbuckled my belt, pushed my jeans down to my ankles, and stepped out as he held my hand. The tub was filling quickly with steaming water and bubbles. “I can turn around.”

“Okay.” He turned and faced the door. I unclasped my bra and slid my panties down. I stepped into the bathtub and sank into the warm, heavenly water.

“Are you in?”

“Yes.” I was hidden under the bubbles and drunk so there was little left to be self-conscious about.

He sat on the edge of the tub with his back toward me. “Are you going to be okay?”

“You can leave if you want.”

“I’m not leaving. I meant are you okay emotionally.”

“Oh. Well, do I have a choice? I’m being punished for something. I should just shut up and take it.”

“Why didn’t you let Dale try to help Dancer?”

“Because he wouldn’t have been able to. I’ve seen it a hundred times. I couldn’t watch her suffer; I’ve done that before. Will you get me the bottle?”

“Shampoo?”

“No, the whiskey.” He stood and walked out reluctantly.

I laid my head back on a towel and propped up my knees, exposing more skin above the bubbles. Nate came back in and held the whiskey out to me. His mouth opened and his breath quickened when I sat up and reached for it. He turned away from me quickly.

“You’re a doctor. I didn’t really think this would have any effect on you.”

I watched as he smoothed his hands down his legs in a subtle gesture to adjust himself. “I’m a man, Ava. And I’m affected,” was all he said.

I took a large swig from the bottle. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You’re not my patient, remember? You’re a beautiful woman. It would be hard for anyone not to be . . . affected.” He made sure not to turn back and look at me again.

“Do you know what my middle name is?”

“No. Tell me.”

“Jesus.”

“You’re kidding.” He turned back this time with a huge smile on his face.

“I’m serious. Can you believe that?”

“Why?”

“It’s tra***ional in my family, and my mother is very religious. When I got married I was supposed to drop my middle name and use my maiden name in its place.”

“So did you?”

“No, how could I drop Jesus? That has to be some kind of sin.”

“I would have dropped that name in a second. Things didn’t work out so well for him.”

I laughed so hard, the bathwater rippling around me. Nate’s expression was serious, or at least he was trying to be serious until he started laughing with me.

“I think I’m doomed,” I said.

“I think you should ***ch the name.”

“Maybe I will. I obviously can’t perform any miracles. Sometimes I feel like I was the one holding the gun to Jake’s head when it went off.”

“Don’t say that. You’ve had to deal with a lot of death at your age. Tragic death, at that. What you did today, even though it was hard for me to understand at first, I get it now. You had to do it.”

“I’m ready to get out.” He and I both stood at the same time. I was naked and covered in bubbles. He looked down at the floor as he reached for my hand to help me step out. With his other hand he grabbed a towel off the rack and wrapped it around me quickly. I dried off and then dropped the towel and moved toward him. I took his face between my hands and kissed him hard. His clothes were rough against my naked skin.

“Take your clothes off.”

“Wait, Ava,” he murmured against my neck.

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I kissed him again. He wrapped his arms around me, lifting me a few inches off the ground and moved quickly into the bedroom without breaking our kiss. Setting me down near the bed, he tried to pull away but I wouldn’t let him.

“No, please. I want to feel something again.”

I pressed my hand to the outside of his jeans. He was hard but the look on his face was scrutinizing. He stared at me as I stood there, offering myself to him, touching him, coaxing him. Finally he reached his arm around my neck, kissed me, and pushed me up against the wall. I wrapped my right leg up around his waist and pulled his jeans-clad body into mine, writhing against him.

“Why are you still dressed?”

“You’re drunk, Ava.”

“Please . . . I want to feel good . . . please?” I whispered near his ear.

He pulled away for a moment, smiled adoringly, and then his mouth was back on mine, his hand moving to my breast. His thumb brushed the sensitive skin of my nipple. I started to feel the ache that had been buried so long. Still fully clothed, he bent and gently kissed my breast, running his tongue along the side of my nipple as his hand moved farther down. His skilled fingers met my flesh. When he eased them into me, I braced myself against the wall.

“Ah, don’t stop.”

I was breathing hard by the time he dropped to his knees. He lifted my leg over his shoulder and then his mouth was on me. My hands got lost in his messy hair. When I whimpered, he stopped and looked up at me.

“You’re ravishing,” he whispered, and then he was back at it. I felt a tingling pulse, like electricity, between my ears, running in waves down my spine. I looked up to the ceiling, closed my eyes, and let myself leave my body for just enough time to feel that blissful release. At the moment I cried out, Nate stood and took me in his arms while tremors ran through my body. I rested my head against his shoulder.

“Let me get you into bed.”

I was boneless and completely spent. “Do you want me to do that for you?” I spoke softly near his ear.

“No, baby. You need to sleep,” he said, and then he kissed my mouth. I could taste myself on him. For a moment I remembered what it felt like to be cherished. He trailed soft kisses to my ear. “You’re stunning, especially when you let go like that.” He ran his hand up my bare side, over my breast to my neck before kissing my lips again with such delicate ease. I decided that every man should be required to take an anatomy class before he’s allowed to go anywhere near a woman. Nate’s many years studying the human body were not lost on me.

Minutes after I slipped into bed, Nate shed his clothes except for his boxers and followed me under the covers. He scooted toward me on his side and rested his head on the pillow. We lay there face-to-face, a silver strand of moonlight through the window falling across us.

“I have to leave tomorrow.”

“I know.”

“You won’t come with me?”

I shook my head.

“Why?”

“I won’t fit in.”

“That’s not true.”

My eyes started to water. “I can’t.”

“Come here.” He pulled me into his chest, tucking my head under his neck. I felt tears streaming down my cheeks but I didn’t feel like I was crying—just my body. My mind was disconnected, exhausted.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

I couldn’t understand why he would want to come back for me. I sniffled. “Okay.” I breathed in his scent and nuzzled as close as I could to him. If I could have crawled inside of his skin I would have.

My head was pounding when I woke up. I was alone. On the nightstand, Nate had left ibuprofen, water, and a note.

Ava, when I woke up this morning you were still curled up in my arms, looking beautiful and peaceful. I’m sorry I had to leave. I didn’t want to but we have to get on the road. Please call me when you get up. 310-555-4967. Nate.

I didn’t call him. Instead I went back to sleep for the rest of the day. I woke later to a knocking sound vibrating the walls of my cabin. I quickly yanked my jeans on, threw on a T-shirt, and went to the door. It was Bea, holding out a plate of food. “Caleb did all your chores today, including feeding your dog.”

Taking the food from her hands, I opened the door wide, inviting her in. “What time is it?”

“It’s past five. Why haven’t you been to the house yet?”

“For what?”

She sat at the table with me and watched as I ate the still-hot homemade chicken potpie. “Well, you still have a job, Avelina.”

“I know that, Bea.”

“Pistol’s been hanging with Caleb an awful lot. It looks like your dog’s found himself a new owner.”

I swallowed. “Caleb wants Pistol because he’s scared to be alone at night. He’s afraid of raccoons.” Bea’s face finally broke into a smile. “You know it’s funny, Bea. He’s the biggest scaredy-cat.”

She laughed and ****ed her head to the side. “You seem to be handling things okay. You have some color in your cheeks this morning.”

“Dancer was getting old. I didn’t want to see her go that way but it’s just the way things happen sometimes.”

“Will you work with the filly to do the racing?”

I shrugged.

“We’re gonna head down to Bozeman on Saturday. Do you think you’d be up for it?”

“What, to watch Jake’s clone rope a steer?”

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“I don’t know if he’s competing but you can’t let that stop you. You want to go to the rodeo, don’t you?”

“Sure I do,” I said in a low voice.

“Anyway, what about Nate? Maybe he’ll be back by then and we can all go together?”

“Nate’s not coming back.”

“Of course he is.”

“He’s a doctor in Los Angeles. What does he want with an uneducated ****-kicker like me?”

“Were my eyes playing tricks on me this morning when I came in here and found you stark-ass naked and curled up in that doctor’s arms?”

I suddenly felt terribly ashamed. “You were here?”

“I came in to get Nate. His father was ready to leave without him. Ava, I watched him lookin’ at you so lovingly. He kissed your forehead and whispered something to you. I don’t know much, but I sure as hell know a man in love when I see one.”

“Bea . . . I don’t think Nate is in love.” I swallowed and then looked down at my wedding ring. “I’m married,” I said, my voice shaky.

“No, honey, you’re not. Your vows were until death. Nathanial spent two hours in the rain last night with Dale burying Dancer down on the property so you would have a place to visit her.”

I stood from the table abruptly. “I’m going for a ride.”

“Dale doesn’t want you takin’ that filly out by yourself until she’s properly broken.”

“I’ll take Elite.”

“No!” she barked.

I grabbed her arms and bent low so I was face-to-face with her. “You have to let me work this out on my own. I don’t know how to feel or what I was doing with Nate last night. Everybody needs to give me some space to figure this out.”

“It’s been five years. We’ve given you all the space in the world.”

“What do you know about loss, Bea?” I knew I had made a mistake the moment the words came out of my mouth.

She crossed her arms and turned her chin to the ceiling. I could tell she was fighting back tears as she pursed her lips. I thought she was going to talk about the child she lost, but then I realized Jake had been that for her, too. “I loved Jake like my own son. He was the closest thing I ever had to one of my own. I tried, too. I did everything I knew how. He didn’t want to live. He loved himself more than he loved you.”

I sat back at the table and dropped my head into my hands and began to cry. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s true. If he loved you he would have let you go. Instead he took you with him. You’re living his hell on earth now.”

I abruptly wiped the tears from my eyes, determined not to fall apart again. I stood and walked past her to the door, grabbing a sweatshirt on my way out. On the porch I put on my mud-caked boots and went to the barn to Elite’s stall. After crushing Jake and taking off, Redman had eventually found her grazing near a stream a few days after the accident. I begged him to shoot her or to send her to another ranch, but he didn’t. No one would go near her, like she was cursed. Grabbing a carrot from the bag hanging on the shed door, I leaned over her stall door and held it out.

She walked up to me hesitantly and then took the carrot from my hand. “That’s it. Good girl.” I rubbed the space between her ears and down her face. “Wanna go for a ride?”

A voice from behind startled me. “What are you doing?” It was Redman.

“I’m gonna take Elite out, Red, and you’re not gonna stop me,” I said in a determined voice.

He stood stock-still about fifteen feet away at the end of the barn. I could see that he was squinting and then he nodded and looked down at the ground. “Okay,” was all he said before walking out. He knew what I had to do.

With just a bridle and no saddle, I led her out to the edge of the grassy field and hopped up onto her back. “Remember me?” I whispered near her ear. I turned her in a circle, putting constant pressure on her sides. Yanking and pulling on the reins, I tried to instigate her but she did just as she was taught and remained calm. “Come on!” I let the reins out, tapped my heels twice, and she took off.

I ran her so hard that by the time we got to the main road, she was laboring heavily. “You’re out of shape, girl!” I bent to pat her sweat-covered neck and then I finally said what I should have said to her a long time ago. “It wasn’t your fault and I’m sorry I blamed you.” I squeezed my eyes shut and rested my head on her neck as she walked slowly back to the barn. We passed the fresh mound of dirt and a marker for Dancer’s grave. I promised to bury my blame there, too.

CHAPTER 12

The Long Way

Nathanial

My father and I spent three quiet days traveling back to Los Angeles, only stopping to sleep, eat, or fish. By the time we hit California, I was whipping the fly lures off the top of the water like Brad Pitt in A River Runs Through It. Most of the time we were fishing or driving, I was thinking about Ava, how sweet she smelled, how sweet the sounds she made were. She hadn’t called so I made a pact with myself to give her some space, but that didn’t stop me from thinking about her.

On the road, I never brought up the hospital or Lizzy. I knew my father only expected me to tell the truth about what had happened, how I had tried to save her. We would have to wait to hear the findings of the investigation before we would know how to move forward, so there was no point in talking about it. We both knew that. On a long stretch of dark road he finally asked me what my plans were.

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“Nate, what have you decided?”

“I don’t know, Dad.”

“I think you do. You can tell me. I won’t stop you, no matter what. I’ll support you.”

I swallowed. “I need to see where it’s going with Ava.”

“I see. So you’ll move there for her?”

“No. I’ll move there for me.”

“You two couldn’t be more different.”

“And Mom and you? Aren’t you two different?” My mother was a hippie artist who had quietly renounced Western medicine long ago.

“Your mother and I are more similar than you think.”

“Maybe Ava and I are more similar than you think.”

“How so?”

“People don’t know her, Dad. She’s funny and smart. Why does what we do always have to define us?”

He huffed, staring straight out the front window. “You want to drive, Nate? I’m getting tired.”

“No, I want you to answer me.”

“You’re right, it’s not about what we do, it’s about how we love, how we treat other people and ourselves. You’re just singing a very different tune than when I sent you out here, so I’m a little surprised.”

“Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Maybe I didn’t expect you’d want to stay.”

“There’s something about her. I feel like I breathe deeper around her. Everything seems a little brighter. That sounds lame, I know.”

“No, it doesn’t. And I’m sure it’s not just something.” He looked over at me and raised his eyebrows.

He was right. It was everything with Ava. Images of her riding Dancer filled my dreams, her hair floating on the wind. Her voice, her touch, her mouth, her thighs wrapped around me. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I was like a lovesick puppy.

At least I was until I walked through the doors of the hospital days later.

The desk in my office was stacked high with charts. I had a hundred and twelve voicemails and over two hundred emails. I got to work immediately but could barely put a dent in it before it was time to meet with the hospital director, my father, and a group of lawyers. I wouldn’t say the board’s findings and the autopsy results were surprising—I knew I hadn’t damaged her heart. Lizzy had suffered a massive heart attack and cardiac arrest due to a heart defect she’d had since birth. The heart attack created a tear in her heart, which caused it to bleed. I wasn’t going to be charged with malpractice or negligence, but I couldn’t help but feel a more skilled doctor would’ve been able to find the bleeder and stabilize her.

Still, my father was relieved after our meeting. I went back to my office to chip away at my backlogged work. I checked my phone often, but still there was no call from Ava.

I wasn’t technically back on rotation at the hospital right away, but somehow I found myself ears-deep in work. I assisted on a textbook procedure to warm up, so to speak, and then I performed a bypass for another doctor, all within a couple of days. My chances of visiting the ranch soon were looking dismal.

Later in the week, I spotted a familiar face in the hallway outside of my office.

“Olivia Green! What in God’s name are you doing in this **** hole?” I held my arms out to her for a hug.

She smiled her same old condescending smile. “This is no Stanford, you’ve got that right. But you’re looking at UCLA’s newest cardiothoracic attending surgeon.”

“You’re kidding.”

Her hair was the same fiery red and braided over her shoulder, just as I remembered it. “I’m serious as a . . .”

“Ah ah.” I put my finger over her mouth. “Don’t say it. No heart jokes allowed. You haven’t changed a bit, except maybe you have a sense of humor now.”

“Thanks.” She socked me in the arm. “Well, Nate, you haven’t changed much either.”

“Let’s get a coffee?”

“I can’t. I’m about to go into a meeting with your dad. What about dinner? You still in the condo on Wilshire?”

“I am.”

“I knew it. Same old Nate. Eat, breathe, sleep surgery.”

“Yeah,” I said, hesitantly.

“Well, are we on for dinner?”

“Sure.”

“I’ll come by around six.”

“Sounds good. Congratulations, by the way. It’s good to see you.”

“Well, you’ll be seeing a lot more of me very soon.”

I didn’t reply as she walked away. Instead, I checked my phone. No messages. I need to call her, I thought. I wanted to give her some space, but at that point I was surprised I hadn’t heard from her. In the note I’d left, I’d asked her to call me when she woke up. But she hadn’t, and I was starting to wonder if she was trying to tell me something.

I made it back to my condo at ten to six and walked in on Frankie and Gogo cuddling on my couch, watching a new flatscreen TV I didn’t buy.

“What are you doing to my cat and why are you still here?”

Frankie looked up at me and squinted as I flipped on the lights. “When are you going back to Montana?”

“Soon as I can.” I had initially planned on going that weekend. “Olivia’s coming over.”

“Why?” He scowled.

“Dude, seriously, after all these years you still can’t stand her?”

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“She’s a pretentious bitch.”

“Don’t hold back, Frankie,” Olivia said from the doorway.

I turned to see her standing there, dressed in black from head to toe. “Olivia, I’d get up but I don’t want to,” Frankie said.

“Same old Frankie. Where are you working now, Francis?”

“A clinic in Hollywood. What do you care?”

“I don’t,” she said. “Nate, are you ready?”

“Give me one minute.” I headed to my room and emerged a few minutes later in jeans, sneakers, and a T-shirt. Olivia eyed me disapprovingly. “I know a pub nearby.”

“A pub? Really?” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“It’s a gastro pub. It’s nice. Lots of beers on tap.” I smirked, knowing Olivia wouldn’t approve.

“How about a nice restaurant, Nate? We’re not in college anymore.”

Frankie shook his head.

“Let me change.” I threw on a dress shirt and dress shoes and headed for the door, ignoring Frankie’s glare.

We walked two blocks to an upscale American bistro in Westwood. Olivia ordered a glass of wine and I ordered a whiskey on the rocks.

“So, you drink now?” she observed across the candlelit table.

“Sometimes.”

She looked down at her napkin. “God, I hate it when they don’t offer a black napkin.”

I laughed. “Really, Olivia, who gives a ****?”

“Naaaate,” she whined, drawing out the word an excruciatingly long time. “It’s just tacky; I’m going to walk out of here covered in lint.”

“God forbid, Olivia. God forbid.”

She laughed. “What is it with you?”

“Nothing, I’m sorry. I have a lot on my mind.”

“I heard you got yourself out of that pickle with the patient you lost.”

“That girl still died, Olivia. I was holding her heart in my hands when she took her last breath.”

“Not technically if she was on bypass.”

“She was on a ventilator, not bypass, because she bled out it one ****ing minute,” I said sharply.

“I’m sorry if I seem insensitive. It’s just that I saw the report. You had everything in place to get her on bypass.”

“You don’t know anything, Olivia. I barely had a second to think. There’s no way anyone could’ve found the bleeder in time. Her entire chest cavity was filled with blood. There were two other attending surgeons and a resident, not to mention the anesthesiologist and nurses. No one had a clue what to do.”

“I’m really sorry, Nate, but I have to believe there was a way, otherwise what good are we?”

“Sometimes there’s not. Sometimes there’s no reasonable explanation why **** happens. We can take all the precautions, go through our lives being terrified of everything, and still there’s a chance that we’ll walk out our front door and get hit by a stray bullet meant for someone else. Life is random, and surgery . . .” I let out a hard breath. “Surgery is not exact. It’s not a science. It’s a ****ing set of procedures that will hopefully work. Sometimes they don’t.” I looked around the room, noticing the pairs of unblinking, staring eyes trained on me. “I think we should call it a night.”

As though my words hadn’t even fazed her, she whined, “But we haven’t eaten.”

Olivia very well might’ve been the most emotionless person I had ever met. “Okay, Olivia, we can order, but let’s keep the conversation light. Why don’t you tell me what’s new in your personal life.”

“You know me. I’m like you. I work. That’s what I do.” She looked up and smiled. “From the looks of your condo you’ve been doing the same.”

“I’m looking to transfer. I don’t want to work under my father anymore.”

“Too much pressure?”

“No. I just want to have a normal relationship with him and that’s hard when he’s my boss.”

“Where are you looking to transfer?”

“Missoula.”

“Montana?” Her voice went high.

“The very same.”

“Why in the world?”

“I like it there.”

She shrugged, still wearing a condescending smile. We ate in silence, but as we walked out after dinner, I realized I had been unnecessarily rude to Olivia. I was distraught that Ava hadn’t called me yet. And I wondered when I would get back there.

“Is Frankie staying at your place?”

“Yes, while I look at hospitals.”

“Walk me to my hotel?” Her expression had softened.

“Okay.”

“How long has it been since we saw each other?”

“Five years at least, right?”

“Yeah, and now here we are, in the same town. I’m over there.” She pointed to the glass double doors of a boutique hotel. “It feels like no time has passed.”

I didn’t agree but didn’t say anything.

“You gonna come up, Nate?”

I stopped walking. “No. I’m not coming up.”

She turned to me. “We can be grown-ups and share a bottle of wine first.” I knew exactly where she was going. She made no move to touch me, though. Thankfully that wasn’t Olivia’s style. She continued staring up at me, waiting for me to make a decision. But the decision was made in my mind; I was just trying to figure out how to let her down gently.

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“I’m seeing someone.”

She shrugged.

“Exclusively,” I added.

“Oh.” She laughed. Apparently I didn’t have to worry about her pride. Olivia was as close to frozen as one could get. “Why didn’t you say so? Who is she, a nurse?”

“No.”

“Another doctor?”

“No.”

“What does she do?”

“She’s uh, um . . . she’s a wrangler.”

Olivia burst into laughter. “What the **** is a wrangler?”

“She works on a ranch . . . in Montana.”

“I don’t believe you, Nate. Not for one second.”

“Well, it’s true.”

“And how are you dating her if you’re here?”

“I’m going back as soon as I can break away from the hospital again. That’s why I want to transfer to Missoula.”

She huffed. “That’ll never happen. You don’t leave a major hospital like UCLA and transfer to the middle of nowhere for some cowgirl. What, did she give you a good ride and now you’re hung up on her?”

“Glad to see you’ve softened with age, Olivia.”

“Why don’t you just come up and we’ll talk about this nonsense for a while.” Looking out at the blur of lights from the freeway traffic, she said, “You should know by now that those kinds of relationships don’t do people like us any good.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. Come on, just come up.”

I felt a pain in my arm. My chest was thumping; I could feel it all the way to my elbow. I pulled my phone out and checked for missed calls. None were from Ava.

When Olivia started to walk away, I followed wordlessly. We went through the lobby and into the elevator. She still hadn’t made a move to touch me. At the door to her hotel room, she slid the key card into the slot and looked back at me, smiling seductively. At that moment my phone buzzed. I pulled it out and saw that it was a Montana area code. I held my finger up to Olivia. “I have to take this.”

She put her hand on her hip and shrugged, as if to say go ahead.

I hit talk. “Hello?”

“Nate?” It was her voice, sweet and timid.

“Ava.” Her name came out like a breath.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Titillating,” Olivia said. I tensed up.

Ava stuttered. “Um . . . sorry, did I call at a bad time?”

“No, wait, please. I’ve been waiting for you to call.”

“Are you with someone, Nate?”

“I’m with a colleague.”

“It’s late,” she murmured.

I looked at my watch. It was nine thirty. I glanced at Olivia, who was looking smug.

“I’ll let you go, Nate.” I knew her words had a double meaning.

“No!” I protested but she hung up.

I turned to Olivia, fuming. “Goddammit. I have to go.” Neither one of us said another word. I left the hotel abruptly and ran back to my condo to get my bike. I rode my bike to the hospital every day, but this time I passed on the helmet and proper attire and darted out into traffic, pedaling hard. I got half a mile down the road before it started raining. It doesn’t rain a ton in California but that night it had to rain. What the ****? My feet kept slipping off the pedals. Normally I wore click-in bicycle shoes that locked into the small steel pedals. My dress shoes were barely getting enough traction. After thirty minutes of biking in the rain, I busted through the hospital doors, sopping wet, and made my way to my office.

I tried to call Ava back, hitting call over and over. She didn’t answer and I wasn’t surprised. What was I ****ing thinking? Olivia had me believing some bull**** about who I was for a second, but that was never me. Even if I weren’t going after love, in the back of my mind I had always wanted it. Everything just seemed to be getting in my way.

Sometimes life begrudges you; it can take everything away from you, like it had for Ava, but for me there had been nothing to take away. I’d had nothing until I met her. Even my career didn’t matter that much to me, in the end. I had poured myself into it because I was good at it. My heart didn’t drop into my stomach when I thought I might lose my job, but it did when I thought about blowing it with Ava. The idea sank heavily through my body like a stone until I felt numb. I knew the only thing I could do was try to get back to her.

I spent the entire night in my office completing all of my backlogged paperwork with the helpless feeling that whatever I was about to do would never be enough. Still, I remained undeterred. I needed to get back to her. My emails were answered and my work was up to date. The only thing I had left was to write a resignation letter. The first letter I wrote to my father directly and the second to the hospital. I apologized for not being able to give sufficient notice. I even emailed other doctors asking to transfer my patients to them so the hospital wouldn’t have to do it.

At eight a.m. my father walked past my office, backtracked, and stopped a moment at my door. “You look like ****. Late night?”

I stood up, feeling wobbly and worn out. I held the letter out as I walked toward him.

There was recognition in his eyes like he knew what was coming, and then he flashed me a small, tight smile. “I won’t try to change your mind; I don’t even know if I want to. All I know is that I want you here, but . . .” He started getting choked up. He swallowed and went on. “But I understand why you’re leaving. I’m so proud of you, Nate. I’m proud to call you my son, and I’m proud of the doctor you’ve become.”

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“I have to get back out there.”

“I talked to the chief at the International Heart Institute in Missoula.”

I leaned against my desk and crossed my arms. “And?”

“I told him that you were a horrible surgeon and that they would be making a big mistake hiring you.” He held a white paper bag out to me. “Doughnut?”

“Dad.” I laughed. “You’ve got to stop with the doughnuts.”

“I’m kidding. It’s a veggie wrap your mom made for me. She put hummus and tofu in it. I don’t even know what tofu is.”

“I’m glad to see you’re changing your diet. You should stick with it. Mom knows what she’s talking about.”

He set the bag down and put his hands on his hips, his lab coat open around his wrists. “I’ve lost six pounds since the food Nazi took over.”

“She was really worried about you.”

He smiled and took a seat in one of the chairs facing my desk. I went around and sat down as well.

“Nate, I told the Chief at the Heart Institute that you were the best damn surgeon I’d come across and they better pay you well.”

“Thank you. You have no idea how much those words mean to me.”

He blinked. “I might have waited too long to say it.”

“Better late than never.”

“I love you, kid.”

“I love you too, Dad.”

“I want you to take the Ford out there.” Restored cars were my dad’s hobby. He didn’t actually restore them, he bought them restored and spent a great deal of money on them. His favorite was a two-toned red and white ’67 Ford pickup truck.

“I couldn’t, Dad.”

He clapped me on the shoulder. “It belongs in Montana.”

CHAPTER 13

Forever Is Only Now

Avelina

I remembered when Jake told me that forever is only now. I remembered the smoothness of his voice when he said it, as if he’d memorized it from the Bible. I sat on my porch swing, looking up at the sky, thinking that Jake was the brightest star up there, so far away but shining and powerful. He would shine like that for as long as I was living because when a sun as bright as Jake burns out, it takes a hundred years for its star to fade. Forever is only now; there’s no measure of time when it comes to love. I knew Jake would be up there in the sky for all of my life, and I promised myself that after I left this earth I would stand before God and say with pride that I loved Jacob Brian McCrea with all my heart and soul. But Jake wasn’t with me on earth anymore. When he pulled the trigger his forever ended, not mine.

That night, I had gone inside and called Nate. I had believed that I was finally ready to take my forever back. I’d even rehearsed what I was going to say. I know you’re not trying to fix me, but you’re the one who makes me better. But I hadn’t gotten a chance to say those words. He’d been with a woman, it’d been late, and he’d sounded put out. I wondered if he and the woman laughed at me when I hung up. I wondered how I could be so naïve.

Taking my dead husband’s advice turned out to be a bad idea. I went back outside, holding the whiskey bottle to the sky and screamed, “**** you, Jake McCrea! **** you!”

CHAPTER 14

Drops Between Us

Nathanial

On the road in my father’s Ford, I had plenty of time to think about how I had just left my world behind for a woman who likely didn’t want me. My parents were going to rent my condo out, and Gogo happily went to live with Frankie.

I stopped only twice: once to eat and buy food for the road and once to call Ava. She didn’t answer. I dialed Bea.

“Hello, darlin’. What a nice surprise.”

“How is Ava?”

“She’s okay, and I’m okay, too, thanks for asking.”

“I’m sorry, I’m glad you’re okay. Listen, I’m on the road headed out there. I quit the hospital.”

There was silence on the other end for several moments. “What kind of foolishness are you speaking?”

“You know I care about her. I can’t stop thinking about her and I want to be there for her.”

“What will you do?”

“I need to find a place in Missoula, I think I have a job lined up. I’ll be at the ranch by tomorrow.”

“I wish you’d told me ahead of time. We’re leavin’, Nate. All of us.”

I froze. “What?”

“We’re going to Bozeman for the rodeo. We’ll be there for two days.”

“You’re taking Ava?”

“Of course.”

“Is this the rodeo where she saw the guy that reminded her of . . . ,” my voice trailed off.

“That’s the one, but you don’t have to worry. Ava seemed to be pretty darn into you, and we’ll tell her you’ll be there when she gets back.”

“I don’t think you understand, I—”

“Head to Missoula and get your job straightened out. We’ll be back early Monday.”

“Bea, I need to see her. I haven’t slept in two days. Will you ask her to wait? I’ll drive her to Bozeman myself.”

I heard her let out a breath. “Why are we having this conversation? Ava has a phone, why don’t you call her?”

“She won’t take my calls.”

“Hmm? Why’s that?”

“I’ve tried calling her, she just won’t answer.”

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“Now that you mention it, I haven’t seen her since yesterday morning.” The panic in her voice started to rise.

“Jesus, can you go check on her, please!”

“I’ll call you right back.”

When she hung up, I immediately pulled onto the road. I thought I was somewhere in Nevada but I wasn’t sure anymore. The yellow dashes in the middle of the road began to blur together in a solid line. I watched the line like it was leading me to her. Bea called back a few minutes later.

“She’s okay but she doesn’t want to see you, and I know Ava well enough that I can tell nothing will change her mind.”

“Please tell her I wasn’t with another woman. I was just having dinner with a colleague. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I imagine calling you was the bravest thing Avelina has done in a long time.”

“You have to talk to her, please.”

“Head to Missoula and get some sleep before you kill someone on the road or yourself. We’ll be back Monday.”

After we hung up, I pulled off the highway and found a motel. The room stunk of cigarettes and the shower was caked in mildew. I pulled the brown and maroon paisley comforter off, threw it on the floor, and doused my hands in sanitizer. I slept on top of towels I laid across the sheets. In the morning I grabbed a stale doughnut and weak coffee from the free continental breakfast in the lobby and headed out to my truck, where I discovered my bike had been stolen from the back. In my sleep-deprived state the night before, I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of my bike being stolen. I slumped into the driver’s seat and finished my disgusting doughnut.

Still in the motel parking lot, I shaved with an electric shaver using the side mirror of the truck. After one half of my face was shaved, the batteries died. There are just certain times in life when every ****ing thing we do seems so arbitrary. Why in the world did I shave my face to begin with? I drove to a drugstore and got more batteries and a lot of weird looks from shoppers.

At checkout, the gum-popping, teenage female clerk smirked at me. I decided to let humor prevail. “Do you like this look?” I smiled and pointed to my face.

“That’s dope.”

“Thanks, dawg.”

“Peace out,” she said, and I walked out.

I didn’t turn around but I held up a peace sign and said, “Word.”

I made it to Missoula late Saturday evening and found a hotel. On the road I had called the hospital and set up a time to meet with the chief the next day. He essentially offered me a great position over the phone. Everything was falling into place. I found a local newspaper and started searching for a permanent dwelling, somewhere between the hospital and the ranch.

That night in the darkness and quiet loneliness of my hotel room, I thought back to being in Ava’s bed, holding her close to me, the way her hair smelled of lilac and cinnamon, and how her skin was so smooth and warm under my fingertips. I fell asleep to the sound of irregular raindrops pattering against the storm drain outside the window and the vision of Ava’s body in my arms.

In the morning I went for a run, checked out a few houses for rent, and got ready to meet the chief at the hospital. When I got there, they gave me a tour, showing me their state-of-the-art institute. I was surprised by how cutting edge the facility was. The chief of surgery was well aware of the work that I had done, likely due to what my father had told him. He questioned my reasons for moving to Montana twice throughout our conversation, and both times I gave him the same answer.

“I love it. It’s God’s country.”

He laughed a little reluctantly the second time. “It’s a big change from Los Angeles.”

“I need a change, and I have family here.”

“Ah. Well, the job is yours if you want it. We can bring you in on the full rotation in two weeks. Until then we’ll get you into an office so you can start getting some work done.”

His secretary showed me to an empty office. I had a small box of paperwork and a few things that I had brought from the hospital in L.A. I made my way around the hospital, introducing myself to the rest of the staff. It was a Sunday so it was relatively quiet. I met some nurses, who whispered and giggled like teenage girls when I walked away. In the afternoon I headed out to look at more houses for rent. I found a place that was perfect, a small place near a lake about an hour from the hospital and an hour from the ranch in the opposite direction.

A young man who was fully gray on top but couldn’t have been more than twenty-five showed me through the house.

“I saw a corral and shed down on the property. Can I have horses here?”

“Yep.” He stood near the door and eyed me as I examined the inside of the kitchen cabinets.

“How many square feet is this place?” There were two bedrooms at the end of a short hall. One full bathroom in the larger room and a half bath in the hall. The kitchen had a large porcelain farm-style sink, yellow wooden cupboards, and white tiles on the counters.

“Twelve hundred square feet and some change,” he said. “There’s a washer and dryer in the garage and the well water is free. There’s no trash service or cable out this way so you’ll have to dump your own trash at the landfill twenty miles down the road.”

“Fine,” I said. “How much?”

“Eleven hundred a month, first and last month’s deposit.”

“I’ll take it.” I made more than that most days but I wasn’t going to move to Montana and scare Ava away by flashing money at her. “When can I move in?”

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“Write me a check and I’ll give you the keys.”

I love you, Montana. “Done.” I wrote him a check, and just like that I had a place.

I went into town and bought a bed and some bare necessities to make my new house livable. Driving back, I listened to The National until the song “I Need My Girl” came on. I changed it quickly, feeling nauseous. What was happening to me?

CHAPTER 15

Hearts and Stripes

Avelina

In my mind, rodeos always represented a kind of Americana that I didn’t grow up with. I knew horses as a kid, but everything I learned was in Spanish from my father. It was only later, after he died, that I learned how to barrel race. That’s when I was introduced to rodeo culture. In Bozeman there was a palpable buzz on rodeo weekends. Horse trailers poured into town, and hotels, restaurants, and pubs were full of travelers and cowboys. Cowboys like Jake.

On Saturday we watched all of the events. I studied the women’s barrel racing and tried to take note of what I needed to do. There were no reminders of Nate in this world but that didn’t stop me from thinking about him. Every time someone got injured, I would think, If only Nate were here, and then I would shake my head, trying to get rid of the thought. I reminded myself that Nate was probably with the sharp-tongued woman I’d heard on the phone.

During the team-roping finals I saw Russell Coldwell, the man who was the spitting image of Jake. After his run, I stood up. I wanted to get a closer look.

“Sit down, girl,” Bea said. I glanced at Redman, who was eyeing me sharply.

“I just want to see.”

“See what, darling?” Trish drawled from behind me.

“I just want to get a closer look.”

“Well, go then,” Bea finally said. I skipped down off the bleachers and over to the holding corral. I leaned against the wooden slats until I caught his attention. He dismounted from his horse and sidled over to me.

“Avelina.” He tilted the brim of his beige felt Stetson.

“Russell. You take your wedding ring off when you compete?”

“I got a divorce,” he said, looking down and tapping the toe of his boot against the wooden post. I studied the broad line of his jaw and the curve of his strongly made shoulders, not unlike Jake’s but not the same either. Jake had a boyishness to him that Russell didn’t. They both rode their horses the same way, with a command so obvious that it seemed as if man and animal were one.

“I’m sorry to hear.”

“What are your plans for tonight?”

“No plans,” I lied.

“We’re going for drinks at Pete’s.”

“Okay. Can I ride with you?”

“Sure,” he said simply. “Let me load up my horses. My truck is the blue one; go ahead and get in.”

“I can help you.”

“Pfft. Help me with what?”

“Loading up the horses.”

“Nah, that’s no job for you.”

I blinked, taken aback, then quickly shrugged it off and headed for the cab of his truck. In the side mirror I could see Bea coming toward me with a vengeance.

She stalked up to the window and gestured for me to roll it down. “Just what do you think you’re doing?”

“We’re just going to Pete’s for a drink.”

“Did you think of tellin’ anybody or were you just gonna slip off into the night?”

“Why are you being dramatic, Bea?” I looked into the mirror again and saw Russell watching us.

She whispered angrily near my ear, “Are you gonna go gallivantin’ through town with a married man?”

“He’s divorced.”

“That man is bad news. I bet he’s divorced all right, ’cause he’s a wife-beater. I’ve heard the rumors and I know you have, too.”

“Have I?” My facial expression didn’t change. I didn’t care what happened to me anymore. I could hardly remember what it was like to worry about my own safety. I welcomed the danger, and I wanted pain because at least it would dull the hurt inside.

“Nate is going to be at the ranch tomorrow.”

“I wonder if he’ll bring the woman.”

“Stop this nonsense.”

“Do you know what it’s like to be constantly let down by life and then feel like it’s your fault?”

“I’m getting Red.”

“We’re leaving,” Russell interrupted. He hopped into the driver’s seat, started the engine, revved it two or three times, and then put it in gear and drove away.

“What was that all about?” he asked.

“Nothin’.”

Walking through Pete’s, I could see the looks of disapproval on people’s faces; some even looked slightly mortified. Maybe they thought of me as the town black widow, some wicked husband killer trying to get my claws into the next victim.

“I feel like everyone is staring at us.”

“So what,” Russell said, his tone purely indifferent.

“Whiskey, neat.” Out of the corner of my eye I thought I could see Russell scowl when I ordered my drink.

“The same,” he added.

“You got it,” the bartender said.

“So why did you get a divorce?”

“Didn’t get along. My ex is a bitch.”

“Oh.” We shared few words after that. Russell wasn’t much of a talker. After the third or fourth whiskey, I expected Redman or Bea to walk in, pull me off the bar stool, and drag me out by my hair, but they didn’t. I glanced at my phone and saw three missed calls from Nate. It was eleven o’clock and the whiskey was going straight to my brain.