[English] AFTER THE RAIN (Sau Cơn Mưa)

After the Rain
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“Will you call me Lena?” I asked him.

“Why would you want me to do that?” I was discovering the many differences between Russell and Jake. Before his accident, Jake was lighthearted, fun, and complimentary. Russell seemed miserable.

“I just want to hear what it sounds like when you say it.”

“I’ll call you whatever you want. I’ll call you Strawberry Shortcake as long as my dick’s in your mouth.”

I sucked in a short breath and felt bile rise in my throat.

His expression was unapologetic. “What, did I say something to shock you, Lena?” he said sarcastically. “I thought that was why you were here. You want me to smack you around a little while I’m ****in’ you, right?”

“No,” I said, barely audible.

“That wasn’t so convincing.”

Tears pricked the corners of my eyes. “No, that’s not why I’m here.”

“Two more.” He motioned for the bartender to refill our glasses. The bartender, a tall gangly man with shaggy blond hair, eyed me. There was something rueful in his expression.

“You want another, sweetheart?”

Russell pounded his fist on the bar. “That’s what I said.”

“I’m just checkin’ with the lady, Russell.”

When the bartender turned to retrieve the whiskey, Russell snorted, “Lady. Ha!”

Once the whiskey was poured, I downed it, hoping to lessen the fear and the pain I was feeling. “You’re nothing like him.”

“Who, Jake? You mean Jake ***** McCrea? Yeah, no, I’m nothin’ like him.”

“He’s not . . . he wasn’t.” I started stammering and slurring. My vision was getting hazy.

He turned to me. “You should stick to using that mouth for what it’s good for.”

“I have to go,” I said, my voice sounding small and far away.

“Go where? You got a ride?”

“I don’t know why you’re being so mean.”

“Listen, you got a sweet little ass. I’ll drive you back to my room and give you what you want.”

“You’re drunk.”

He smiled wide and I noticed that one of his teeth was black. The rest were yellow, likely from chewing tobacco. Nothing like Nate’s straight, white teeth.

I took a deep breath to steady myself and put my head in my hands, my elbows propped on the bar. What am I doing here?

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. “Ava?” I looked down at the floor and saw a pair of black Converse before looking up into Nate’s squinting eyes. He was looking past my irises to the heart of me. But his eyes weren’t searching, they were pleading. He looked concerned. “Come with me?”

“How’d you find me?” I mumbled.

He wore a slight smile. “I didn’t want to spend another minute away from you. I called Red and he told me where to look.”

I remained silent as I stared at Nate’s concerned expression.

“Ava, I told Red and Bea that I’d take you back to the ranch. Come with me . . . please.” He reached his hand out.

“She’s with me,” Russell chimed in unenthusiastically.

“I don’t think so,” Nate said.

Russell stood up in a combative gesture, chest puffed out in Nate’s direction. “I don’t want any trouble with you, man,” Nate said.

“Who is this guy?” Russell asked.

I looked up and shrugged. I kept my gaze on Nate but answered Russell. “I don’t know for sure, but he’s harmless.”

When I stood from the bar, Nate stepped toward me and took my hands in his. Looking down at our hands, he said, “Don’t go with him, Ava, please.” Russell grabbed me by the shoulder and yanked me back out of Nate’s grasp. “Easy, man,” Nate barked.

I swayed, staring at Nate. “Let’s go, Lena,” Russell said, trying to pull me away.

“No, I won’t let you take her.” Nate stood tall in a white T-shirt and faded black jeans belted low on his narrow hips. He ran his fingers through his dark, tousled hair. The slits of his eyes seemed smaller but the green color was still piercing as he peered at me. Even though he was thinner than Russell, Nate carried himself confidently. The veins in his hands and forearms and the cut muscles in his upper arms made him seem much more intimidating than a bigger man.

Russell reached past me, his arm swinging wildly in a punch toward Nate. With his hands still in his pockets, Nate smoothly moved to one side and watched in amusement as Russell fell to the ground.

Nate grabbed my hand and began pulling me toward the door. “Let’s go.” Russell was on his feet in a second and coming after us.

Nate turned quickly and popped Russell in the nose with one swift jab. There was a crunching sound and then Russell fell to the ground, holding his face and bleeding like a pig. I stared down at him and watched the red stream gush from his nose and run down his neck onto the floor.

I let out a loud sob then fell to my knees. “Jake?” I knew it wasn’t him but the image was the same.

In the front room, seconds after I’d heard the gun go off, I’d found my Jake lying there, eyes open but unaware. He’d been alive for a few seconds but not breathing. It’d been hard for me to touch him, but I had. Sitting on the floor of the bar, I replayed the last seconds of Jake’s life as I held Russell’s head in my lap. “Why?” was all I’d said to Jake, knowing I’d never get the answer. The last thing I’d heard that night was the gurgling in his throat and the last beats of his heart, the last human sound Jake had made before his soul faded away and the life drained from his eyes.

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I snapped back to reality to see Nate looking doleful and watching me apprehensively. Russell was also staring at me as I sobbed. For a moment, even with blood gushing from his nose, Russell looked compassionate. He glanced up at Nate and said, “You should take her out of here,” and then he looked at me. “Go, sweetheart, I’m fine.” I know I must have looked pathetic. How could God be so cruel to let our memories live on vividly like images on a movie screen to play over and over as we watch in horror?

I continued to cry quietly as Nate lifted me off the ground. He carried me out into the pouring rain to a bright red and white truck. He got into the passenger seat and held me on his lap. In a barely audible voice he said, “I’m here,” and kissed me gently on the forehead. After a while he scooted me off of his lap and slid over to the driver’s seat. As we drove off, I rolled down the window, rested my head on the door, and let the cold rain beat down on me. A sad song droned on the radio while I shivered and sobbed.

CHAPTER 16

Love Is Fear

Nathanial

My hand throbbed. I knew I had a fracture from punching that guy, but at the moment Ava had my attention. Her eyes were sunken, her skin pale when I found her. When she fell to the ground into hysterics, I could see that the guy was startled. I knew what she was seeing in the image of a man lying on the floor, bleeding. I knew what she was feeling. The frustration of knowing it’s too late and there’s nothing to be done.

“Come on,” I urged, but she couldn’t hear me. She looked distant and lost in thought.

In the truck she rolled down the window and let the rain wash over her. Halfway home, the rain stopped but there was lightning in the distance, and the air grew warmer as we approached the ranch. I pulled over at the end of the long dirt driveway.

Her eyes were closed and her hair had dried in the wind. I pulled her off the door and rolled up the window then laid her down across the bench seat. She was asleep. I sucked air in through my teeth when I bent my hand awkwardly, feeling the strain of the fracture in the knuckle of my index finger. Ava stirred.

“What is it?” she asked.

“Nothing, don’t worry.”

She sat up and moved toward me, taking my hand in hers. She kissed it. “I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Wasn’t it, though?” Her voice was strained.

I cupped her face, turning her toward me. “Listen to me. It wasn’t your fault, just like Jake wasn’t your fault.”

She pulled away and looked out the passenger window. I started the truck and headed up the driveway. It was the middle of the night but Redman was awake, sitting in the rocker on the porch, smoking his pipe. I cut the engine, got out, and walked quickly to the passenger side. After helping Ava out, I looked up to see Bea standing in the doorway, waiting.

“Bring her here, Nathanial.”

Bea stepped out of the doorway and reached for Ava’s hand. “Come here, sweetie. Let’s give you a bath.”

“You stay here, son,” Redman demanded, pointing to the other rocker. His eyes looked hollow in the darkness and his voice was raspy. “I appreciate you going to get her.”

“I didn’t expect you and Bea to be here; I thought you were staying one more night?”

“Bea wanted to get back, and I wanted to have a talk with you.”

“Okay, sure.”

“I know what you did. In a matter of days, you’ve made some big life changes. For Avelina, I’m guessing?”

“Everyone keeps telling me what my motives are. I want to get to know her, that’s all. I can’t do that from L.A.”

“But the simple truth is you quit your job to see about a girl.”

“Yeah, I suppose I did.”

“She may never get over what she’s gone through.” He blew smoke directly into the lantern light, stunning a swarm of tiny moths.

“I have to try.”

He turned toward me, and even though I couldn’t see his shadowed face I knew he could see mine, facing the light. “Well, I suppose she needs to learn that there are as many ways to love as there are to die.”

I nodded. I understood very well what Redman was trying to say. Ava didn’t have to stop loving Jake or mourning him to move on and live her life, just the same way that one mistake would not define my career, even if the consequences were great.

I stood and walked past Redman through the front door. Ava was sitting on the couch in a blue terry-cloth robe, probably one of Bea’s. She was unaware as I stood there watching Bea brush out her long hair. For several moments I was deep in thought, wondering if perhaps I was trying to save her, and why.

“Bea, can I stay here tonight?” They both turned at the same time. Ava smiled faintly.

“Of course, honey, the room is yours.”

“Thank you.”

In the bathroom, while I searched the cabinet for aspirin, I felt a presence behind me. I turned to see Ava standing in the doorway.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Can I see your hand?” She approached me.

I held it out to her and watched her examine it. “I know you’re the doctor but I think I should put a splint on this finger. It’s quite swollen and it looks like you might’ve fractured or bruised the knuckle.”

“How do you know all that?” I smiled and she returned it with a serene look.

“This happened to Jake often. The rope wraps on the horn were so tight he’d get his fingers caught in them sometimes when he was competing.”

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I looked from our hands up to her eyes as she examined the bruised knuckle. “Okay, splint it. I trust you.”

She nodded and then left, returning a moment later with medical tape and broken popsicle sticks. She held them up. “The hillbilly way.”

I laughed but then winced as she wrapped the tape around my knuckle.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay, you’re doing great. You’re a natural.”

There were a few unbearable moments of silence after she finished the wrap. I felt that familiar pull toward her whenever I’d get close enough, like two magnets as they inched closer together. I ached to take her in my arms, but I was worried she’d pull away.

“Maybe, I can stay with you in the guest room. It’s almost dawn and I’m tired, but I want to talk to you,” she said.

“Of course.”

We moved from the bathroom to the guest room. Bea walked by and pushed the door open wide. “Have some manners, you two.”

We lay down on top of the comforter, me fully dressed and her in the fluffy robe. We faced each other on our sides. “Nate, I’m sorry about earlier.”

“All is forgiven. I’m sorry, too. Olivia, the woman you heard on the phone, is an old friend; there’s nothing between me and her. I wish I had the words at the moment to explain that to you, but I was so relieved to hear your voice that I could think of nothing else.”

“I want to start over. I want to learn how to be less of a wreck.” Her eyes filled with tears.

“You’re not a wreck. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.”

She nodded, looking up to the ceiling. “Every time I think I’m over it, everything comes rushing back.”

“You don’t have to let it go.”

“I know, but it’s not letting go that scares me. Life is no longer precious when you have nothing to lose, and that’s the place I’ve been living all these years since Jake. I’ve been indifferent. But now I can feel the fear coming back. It comes back even stronger when you know there’s something to be lost again.”

It was her first real expression of her feelings for me. “I’ve never loved and lost, but I’m scared, too.”

She closed her eyes and within a few moments her breaths steadied. I wondered what it would be like to lose someone the way Ava had at such a young age.

The four-week roller coaster of my life was clicking back up the tracks. I was at that point when you reach the peak before falling and you think maybe you want off, that maybe they can stop it. But I don’t think you can stop once you start falling. At least I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to. It’s as exhilarating as it is terrifying to fall in love.

I pulled her into me, rested my chin on her head, and filled my lungs with her sweet scent.

In the morning, she was gone. I scurried past the kitchen, hoping Bea wouldn’t see me. “Slow down,” she hollered. “Get in here and eat something.”

She slopped a ladleful of grits onto a plate and handed it to me. “There’s Velveeta, or you can have corn flakes for your grits.”

I felt myself starting to gag. “How about some fruit. Can I have fruit?”

“Sure honey, check in the fruit bowl.”

I tried not to breathe through my nose as I slurped up the bland grits, occasionally chomping off a bite of apple for flavor. Caleb sat across from me eating his grits, which were swimming in Velveeta cheese. It really was a small miracle, with the amount of red meat and cheese these people ate, that they weren’t all wracked with heart disease. Their diets were so heavy in cholesterol that I couldn’t help but visualize the plaque buildup in their arteries each time they took a bite.

“Where’s Ava this morning?”

“She’s working that filly,” Bea answered. “Caleb got some barrels and set up a track for her in the field below.”

“That was nice of you, man.”

He nodded, not looking up from his bowl.

I left the kitchen and walked down the dirt road to the small arena where Ava was riding the gorgeous black filly. The horse’s movements were even more graceful than Dancer’s as Ava galloped her back and forth. I took a seat on the top slat of the wooden corral. When she spotted me she steered the horse over to where I was sitting.

“What’s her name?” I asked.

“I hadn’t named her until now, actually.” She was smiling, her hair was floating down her back, and her cheeks were pink from the cool air hitting her face.

“Well?”

“Shine.”

“It’s perfect for her . . . and for you.”

“Red told me you took a job in Missoula.”

“Yes.”

“That’s great. How’s your hand? Will you be able to do surgery?” Her eyebrows were pinched together in a worried expression.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I need to get to the hospital, though, and take care of some things. And I have a place now, not that far from here. I want to take you there but it’s not ready.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll call you this week then maybe . . .” I was suddenly very nervous. “Maybe I can take you out to dinner next weekend . . . on a date?”

“I would like that.” Her bottom lip quivered. “Nate?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you for last night. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Her voice cracked and her eyes brimmed with tears.

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I cleared my throat and jumped down from the fence. Holding my hand out to her, I said, “I’m Nate and you’re gorgeous. What’s your name?” She giggled. “I like that sound.”

“I’m Ava.”

“Nice to meet you, Ava.” We shook hands. “Can I take you out this weekend?”

Shine started getting antsy. Ava pulled her in a circle. “I have to run her a bit. Bye, Nate.”

She took off in the other direction. “You didn’t answer me,” I yelled. “Will you go out with me?”

“Yes, cowboy,” she yelled back.

Later that day at the hospital, I chose to wear my boots with my scrubs. I assisted on an angioplasty and when Abbie, the scrub nurse, looked down at the booties over my boots, she laughed.

“What?”

Smiling, she said, “I like your boots. I didn’t take you for a cowboy.”

“It’s a state of mind, Abbie, plain and simple.”

“We’ve all been calling you Hollywood.”

I laughed loudly. “I will spare you my John Wayne impression.”

CHAPTER 17

There Are Places

Avelina

“Come to me, baby,” Nate whispered. “There are places you and I can run to. Places where no one knows us. No one can see us.” I took his hand and followed him into the darkness. We were together in a void that was smooth, soft, and warm, and he was touching my face and neck. There were birds chirping and the feeling of sunlight against my skin, but there was no light. He laid me down and kissed me, kissed my breast. He was on his side facing me as I lay on my back. We were naked but warm. His tongue toyed with my nipple and I ran my hands through his messy hair. “God, you are so lovely,” he said. “Can I touch you?”

“Yes, touch me, please.”

“Where shall I touch you, beautiful?”

“Here.” I placed my hand to my flesh.

“Show me how,” he said.

“Like this.” I touched myself and felt the aching pulse below. I arched my back as I felt his warm hand cover mine. My mouth opened but I couldn’t breathe. He covered my mouth with his in a gentle assault.

“Mmm, you taste so good. I want to taste more of you.” His hands began taking over as he lowered himself, trailing kisses down my body. I stretched my arms above my head and let myself feel the exquisite ache.

His hands slid between my thighs and I opened wide for him. He kissed his way up my leg farther and farther until his mouth was on me. I jerked my hips toward him, trying to feel more as my hands got lost in his hair. His tongue was on me and then he plunged two fingers in and I was lost, pulsing against his mouth.

Then, like a movie reel locking and sputtering, everything stopped and I heard a faint knocking sound.

I opened my eyes. It was daylight and I was in my room alone, feeling the last echoes of the orgasm Nate had given me in a dream.

“Oh,” I whimpered, trying to get a grip.

“Ava, are you okay?” I heard Caleb’s call from my living room. I quickly jumped out of bed, threw on a robe, and met him as he walked into my kitchen.

“I’m fine.”

He walked toward me. “You’re flushed. Are you sick?”

“No.” The word came out as a rushed breath.

“Okay. Well, I came over because I hadn’t seen you at breakfast.” He looked away shyly like his concern embarrassed him.

“Thanks for checkin’ on me but I’m fine.”

“Okay.” He shrugged, turned around, and walked out.

When he left, I plopped down on the couch. I stared out the front window and then down to the beige carpet that Redman installed after Jake was gone. The carpet that covered the bloodstained wood floor. Sadly, those images never faded, just like the stains. My phone rang, jolting me out of my trance.

“Hi, beautiful.” Nate’s voice was as deep and as smooth as it was in my dream. I felt an aftershock between my legs.

“Hi.” My own voice sounded strange.

“Is something wrong?”

“No. I was thinking about you.”

“That makes me very happy. I want to take you out to dinner Friday. Can I pick you up at six?”

“Yes, I would like that. Are you taking me somewhere fancy? I don’t have fancy clothes.”

“I don’t have fancy clothes either,” he said, laughing. “I like the dress you wore when we went to the hot spring.”

“Oh, that old thing?”

“You took my breath away.”

My own breath was elusive at that moment. I swallowed and waited.

“Would you like it if I took you shopping?”

“Oh, I couldn’t.”

“Sure you could. Anyway, I would love to spoil you.”

I didn’t answer.

“Okay then, I’ll take that as a yes. We’ll go shopping first then dinner?”

“Okay.”

“Ava, can I ask you something?” His voice got low.

“Sure.”

“When you said you were thinking about me . . . what exactly were you thinking?”

My heart was beating in my stomach. “I was thinking about a dream I had.”

“Tell me about the dream.”

I heard something over the speaker in the background; his name was being called. “Don’t you have to go?”

“Was I touching you . . . in the dream?”

I was breathing hard. “Yes,” I whispered.

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I heard him being paged again over the loudspeaker. “Baby, I have to go.” I heard a smile in his voice. “I’ll see you in a few days.”

“Okay.” I pressed end on my phone and laid my head back on the couch with the biggest smile on my face.

The week sidled on and the days seemed long. I looked forward to my evening call from Nate every day. I noticed after the one heady phone call that he tried to keep our conversations light. I told him I wanted to take things slow, that I hadn’t done that with Jake. Part of me felt like I needed space to grow. I’d been at an emotional standstill for five years without so much as an introspective thought. I tarried along for so many years inside of my numbed mind. It made falling for Nate feel like an exposed nerve hitting the air. I wanted to remember who I was and who I wanted to be when I thought I had a future.

On Friday, Trish came to my cabin with a basket of goodies. When I opened the door, she held them out with a smile. I took the basket from her hand as she walked past me into the living room. “My sister and I used to help each other get ready before our dates.” She looked back over her shoulder and smiled. “Well, are you gonna show me what you’re wearing tonight?”

“Nate said he wants to take me shopping.”

“Well, isn’t that sweet? But you don’t want to be lookin’ like that when he shows up, even if he plans to buy you the world.”

I looked down at my T-shirt and jeans. “No, I’m just gonna throw on that dress with the red flowers.” I looked in the basket. It was full of lotions, perfumes, hair ties, and some flowers she must have picked on the way over.

“Okay. Why don’t you go get cleaned up and I’ll do your hair for you when you’re done.” She winked.

“Thanks, Trish.”

“My pleasure, darlin’.”

She sat at my kitchen table knitting while I took a shower. When I came out she had conjured up a glass of wine and turned on some music.

“Let’s have fun with this.” She braided my hair, twisting a red ribbon through it. It was a little bit too “rodeo queen,” but I appreciated her effort. We danced around my cabin and sang to the music. When knocks sounded on the door, we both froze. She looked me up and down. I was dressed in my nice brown boots and the white dress with the red flowers that Nate had requested. Trish’s expression was warm, and her eyes welled up. “Enjoy yourself, sweetie. You deserve it.”

“Thank you, Trish.” And I meant it.

I opened the door to Nate, donning his usual sneakers and pegged jeans that hung perfectly on his narrow hips. He wore a simple charcoal gray V-neck sweater over a white T-shirt. It looked like he put a touch of product in his hair and he wasn’t clean-shaven. His face was etched with a day or two of growth, making him look even more handsome. His eyes were wide when I opened the door. He glanced down at my legs and then back up to my eyes quickly.

From behind his back he produced one single Casablanca lily stem. “These remind me of you,” he said, shyly. He looked behind me to Trish as she was gathering up her things.

“Hi, Aunt Trish.”

She came over and kissed him on the cheek. “Nathanial, you’re looking as handsome as your uncle.” She was down the steps and gone before he could even respond. I laughed but his face remained serious.

“You’re stunning, you know that?” he said.

I shook my head, putting the flower to my nose. “Mmm, let me put this in water and then we’ll go.”

He took me to a boutique in Great Falls, and when we pulled into the parking space I turned toward him, feeling a little nervous. “You really don’t need to buy me anything. I feel silly.”

“I love what you’re wearing but I thought maybe I could pick something out for you to wear on our next date.” He smiled, arching his eyebrows in a playful way.

“Next date? Okay.”

When we got into the store I realized that Nate had called ahead and asked them to stay open an hour later than usual. He could be very persuasive and charming. He’d also had the young girl who worked there pick out a pile of things for me to try on. I tried on several dresses and, for each one, I walked out and twirled around for Nate as he sat in a chair by the dressing room. Every time he would say, “Gorgeous, let’s get it.”

“This is the last one.” I walked out holding it close to my body because I was unable to zip it up in back. Nate immediately stood. “Let me get that for you.” Standing behind me, he brushed my braided hair over my shoulder. As he zipped up the dress, I could feel his breath on my neck. He kissed my shoulder. “This one is my favorite,” he said.

I looked into the mirror at the knee-length, muted red dress. It had a romantic flowing skirt. “I like it, too.”

He unzipped the back and gently nudged me back into the dressing room, following behind me and shutting the door. He pushed me against the mirrored wall and kissed me until I was breathless.

I broke away, panting. “They’re going to wonder what we’re doing in here,” I said.

“I couldn’t care less.”

He brushed one strap off my shoulder and the entire dress fell to the ground, leaving me heated and flushed in my black lace underwear. “Nate!” I scolded.

He leaned in and kissed me again, this time slower and more delicate. “I can’t keep my hands off of you,” he said. “I’d stay in here all night if I could.”

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There was something in his pleas and his voice that reminded me of my dream. Warmth rushed through my body and I could feel it from his as well. “I thought we were going to take it slow.”

He leaned back and narrowed his eyes before finally letting a smile peek through. “It’s so hard when I’m with you.” He kissed me near my ear. “Get dressed and we’ll go eat.”

Within a few minutes we were back on the road in Nate’s red truck, heading farther into town. We arrived at a quaint Italian restaurant of Nate’s choosing. Once inside, Nate held my chair out for me then ordered a bottle of cabernet. After the waiter left, he said, “I hope that’s all right with you. I realize I didn’t ask.”

“It’s perfect.”

“Good.”

I leaned forward and clasped my hands. “Thank you for the dresses.”

“You’re welcome, but I think I enjoyed the shopping more than you.” He smiled and let his gaze fall to my mouth.

“Do you think there’s more to this than what we’re feeling?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I know it’s been a long time for both of us and I just wonder . . .”

I let my voice trail off.

“What? You wonder if this is about ***?”

I blushed instantly. “Well, yes, I guess I am wondering that.”

“Ava, do you think I would’ve quit my job and moved to Montana for ***?”

We both laughed and the atmosphere was instantly lighter. “Tell me about your family,” I said.

Nate and I spent four hours talking over dinner that night. He told me all about his life, growing up in Los Angeles, watching his father rise to the top of his profession. He spoke only positive words about his dad, and I thought his description sounded a lot like Dale. The Meyers men all had a quiet strength, intelligence, and confidence about them. They were never boastful or macho, which was refreshing, having spent so much time around men who were. At the same time, Nate often seemed very much in control of things, especially when I was timid, which I also liked.

When I pushed the last bit of fish around my plate, he forked it up and held it to my lips. “Open up.” His eyes focused on my mouth as I took the bite.

For dessert, we shared tiramisu. I ate most of it off of Nate’s fork. There were long pauses in our conversation but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. I told him about my life in California and my parents and brother. He was surprised to learn that my brother had a graduate degree while I hadn’t even finished high school. He wondered if I still wanted to and I said no, which didn’t throw him at all. He moved on with the conversation, asking me about my future and whether I wanted to have a family. I told him I hadn’t thought about it since Jake. He reached across the table, took my hand in his, and smiled kindly.

“You have so much time to decide that,” he said.

“Do I?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want a family?”

He smiled. “Yes, I think so.”

That night Nate drove me back to my cabin, walked me to the door, and kissed me for a long time. He never asked for more; it was only enough to convey to me that his feelings were strong. I had a brief urge to pull him inside, but I quickly overcame it when he said he’d be back the next day.

“Would you like to see my place?”

“Yes. I can cook there if you’d like,” I said, always feeling the urge to offer something more.

He shifted his weight to his heels, put his hands in his pockets, and rocked back and forth. “How about I cook for you?”

“Okay.”

He was at my cabin at five p.m. the next day. We were both dressed more casually than the night before. He wore jeans and a tattered T-shirt, which I think was intentionally made to look worn. I chose jeans and a sweater with my hair down in soft waves over my shoulders. Instead of flowers he held a bottle of wine. “Trish just gave this to me. She said it’s your favorite,” he said with a laugh.

I took the bottle from his hand. “Did she mean for you to get me drunk?”

He shrugged and then pushed his hands deep into his jeans pockets, something he did when he was nervous. “I asked her what you like.”

“So you were the one with the less-than-honorable intentions?”

Smiling boyishly, he said, “Never.”

“Well, Nate Meyers, you’ve certainly had your opportunities, if those were your plans.”

He stared blankly at me for a few beats. I closed the door behind us, locked it, then turned back toward him. He braced the back of my neck and kissed me, pulling my bottom lip into his mouth. I thrust my hips against him and he growled deep in his throat. “The wanting hasn’t gone away,” he finally said, “but I’m trying to be respectful. You’re making it hard on me.”

“I feel it, too,” I murmured.

Nate was in control but very innocent in his reactions to me. I didn’t have a doubt that he was experienced in the bedroom but inexperienced with intimacy. I had a strong desire to show him how beautiful things could be when two people were comfortable with each other—comfortable enough to really let go.

He pulled me along to his truck and opened the door for me. We drove down dark country roads, making light conversation. The desire and pull we felt toward each other was palpable. Even small glances were ***ually charged, carrying wordless promises for the night.

I explored the inside of the small house Nate was renting. He had very few furnishings, just the bare necessities. “Where’s all your stuff?”

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“This is it.”

“Hmm. Maybe we can do something about that. When is your next day off?”

“I’m off tomorrow,” he said as he followed me down the short hallway to his bedroom. His bed was well dressed in a fluffy, expensive-looking white down comforter and oversized pillows. The sun had gone down but the sky was still light enough to fill the room. There was a warm breeze wafting from the open shutters. The air held the scent of wildflowers and sycamore. Through the window I could see a wide-open pasture and a small corral behind the house. The room, although bare, was very inviting. The bed called to me, even if just for a nap, but I knew there were better uses for it.

I noticed a book sitting on Nate’s nightstand. I didn’t recognize the title but I could tell it was science fiction. “So you do read for pleasure?”

He stood in the open doorway, leaning against the jamb with his hands in his pockets. He was clean-shaven but his hair was mussed up ***ily. “It helps me sleep.”

“This is a nice room. If you want, I can help you fill the place out tomorrow. So it feels more like home.”

“Things don’t make a place feel like home. People do.” He prowled toward me. I moved backward toward the bed. “Wouldn’t you agree?”

I nodded. We were mere inches apart. When I looked down out of shyness, he used his index finger to tip my chin up, bringing my gaze up to his. My hands seemed to move of their own accord into his hair. As I ran my fingers through it, I kept my eyes locked on his. He studied me. His expression was warm, like he was cherishing me. “You don’t know how beautiful you are, do you?”

The question wasn’t meant to be answered. His skilled hands found their way to the top buttons of my sweater. My chest rose and fell dramatically but I forced myself to be brave. After all, I had basically stripped for him twice before, not to mention I begged him to take me while I was drunk. That night, though, in his room, there was a sense that what we were doing held a much bigger promise than before because our intentions were real, honest, and sober.

“Are you as nervous as I am?” I whispered.

“Yes,” he said.

“It doesn’t seem like it.”

He bent his head and kissed me, letting his tongue tease mine for just a moment. “I have steady hands,” he said near my ear. And it was true. I was feeling doctor hands, precise, warm, and deliberate, moving up my back. He traced an index finger down my spine to the top of my jeans as his kisses became more urgent. When we pressed our bodies together, I could feel him hard against me. I pulled away, sat down on the bed, and looked at my hands.

He stood still over me and when I finally looked up I could see that his eyes were searching mine for answers. “Are you okay, Ava?” His green eyes were still bright in the fading light. I wanted him and I knew he wanted me, but I wanted what I had felt before—the playfulness before things had become serious and full of meaning.

A few awkward moments passed and then I laughed. He broke into a grin. “I thought you were upset. Geez. Why in the world are you laughing?”

“I was thinking about how adorable you were when we were in the hot spring and I was making up that ridiculous story.”

I could tell my abrupt mood change threw him for a loop but he tried to recover. “Is that what you were thinking about just now when I was kissing you?”

He took a seat next to me on the bed and I took his hand in mine. “Well, I was just thinking how much fun I have around you and how things have been so serious since you came back.”

As though he could read my mind and knew where I was going with the conversation, he stood up and pulled me toward the kitchen. “Come on, Ava, I want to feed you.”

He poured us generous glasses of wine, and within half an hour we were joking playfully and easily, moving around the kitchen casually as he prepared dinner, warming up dishes he had made ahead of time. He put on music I wasn’t familiar with but loved. I had only really listened to country music because that’s what Jake liked. “Who is this?”

“It’s Ray LaMontagne.”

“I like it.”

“Me too. Ta-da!” He handed me a plate of lasagna over the counter. I took it and sat down at the breakfast bar.

“Tell me what you think.”

I took a bite. “It’s really good, Nate.” I lifted one eyebrow. “It tastes very similar to Bea’s lasagna.”

He grinned. “Well, she offered.”

“You said you were gonna make me dinner, cheater.”

He grinned as he sat next to me at the bar with his own plate. “How’s the wine?”

“Excellent.”

“The wine is good, the food is good, and the music is good. What’s missing?”

“Dessert?” I offered.

“Chocolate?” He took a sip of his wine, watching me over the glass mischievously as I shook my head back and forth very slowly. Leaning toward me, he whispered, “Let me have your mouth, Ava.”

I leaned in and let him kiss me. He pulled me closer, almost off my seat, and that was it—that was all it took.

All bets were off. I finally surrendered.

He reached down and pulled me up from the chair and then backed me toward the hallway, his lips never leaving mine.

CHAPTER 18

Murmur

Nathanial

She made small whimpering sounds inside of my mouth as I moved down the hall, kissing her hard as I pushed her toward my bedroom. Instead of fumbling with the buttons on her sweater, I lifted it from the bottom and pulled it over her head, then I held her away from me so I could look at her. There was a tiny pink bow in the center of her lace bra. I kissed the swell of each breast. She smelled like she always smelled, sweet but flowery. I pushed my hand into the cup of her bra and toyed with her nipple before pulling her breast out over the top of the material. Her breathing came fast and hard.

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“I want you,” I said near her ear, and then I picked her up. She wrapped her legs around my waist as I pressed her against the wall. My mouth went to her breast and her hands found my hair.

She let her head fall back and closed her eyes. “Oh god, Nate. Let’s go to your room,” she whispered through heavy breaths. I carried her to my bed as I kissed my way up her neck. Setting her on her feet, I reached for the button of her jeans.

“Wait, you first.”

“Fine,” I said quickly before stripping off all of my clothes in five seconds. “Your turn.” I smirked. She stood still, staring at me. The light from the hallway filled the room just enough so that we could see each other. She moved her hand over my chest and down to the indentations of my lower abdomen, where she let her fingers play, tracing and swirling. She looked up at me, smiled, and said in a giddy voice, “This is nice.” And then she reached down farther and took a hold of me.

“I believe you have me at a disadvantage, miss,” I said.

“Oh?” she said, playfully. “What would you like me to do then?”

“Take off your clothes . . . now.”

She arched her eyebrows.

“Please,” I begged.

For at least ten seconds we stood perfectly still. She let go of me and dropped her hands to her sides. I finally broke the silence and spoke up. “If you think there’s any chance that you don’t want to go through with this, tell me now, Ava, please. I want you so ****ing bad that I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. Do you want me to stop now?”

She shook her head slightly. “No. Never.”

With that, I reached behind her and with an easy flick her bra came undone. She tossed it aside. I dropped to my knees, undid the button on her jeans, and yanked them down, kissing her stomach and thighs. I pulled her black lace panties down to her ankles and helped her step out. I fisted them into a ball and threw them out the open window.

She gasped, “Nate!”

We were both naked and laughing. “You’re never getting those back. Some animal has probably run off with them by now.” She giggled. “I love that sound,” I said and then my mouth was on her as my hand moved lower.

“Oh god,” she said.

“No, just Nate.”

She laughed again but then the heat from our bodies finally consumed us. I tossed her onto the bed and kissed my way up her body until I was hovering over her. She took me in her hand and pulled me down while her hips came up off the bed toward my body, trying to coax me to enter her.

“Uh-uh, not yet.” She stroked harder while I kissed and sucked and nipped at her jaw. I bit her neck lightly and growled near her ear, then I pulled her hand from me and clasped both her wrists above her head. With my other hand I traced the curve of her hip and found my way farther down. She was wet and responsive. When I moved my fingers inside of her she bucked against my hand, wanting it deeper.

I rolled her on top of me and she sat up, her hands pressed against my chest. “Not like this,” she whispered.

“Yes. I want to see you.” Her hair was hanging over her shoulders, covering her breasts. I pushed the wavy locks behind her so I could look at all of her. The faint light shining on her illuminated her skin, making it look soft and smooth. She sat very still as I moved my hands down her body. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” My voice was strained.

She shook her head slightly and looked away. I gripped her hips and lifted her just enough for her to guide me inside of her. She came back down slowly, making the sweetest sound. Her body was tight around me.

“Ahh, Nate.”

My name on her lips sounded like music. Her movements were gradual but deliberate. I felt enveloped by her. I got lost in her.

CHAPTER 19

Blank Slate

Avelina

Moving above Nate, I let all of my insecurities go and just allowed myself to feel everything. He told me I was beautiful countless times. He seemed taken by me, and I by him. As the waves of emotion came crashing over me, I sat up, arched my back and let my head fall. Nate gripped my hips, pushing himself into me, deeper. Just when I thought everything would break away into tiny particles of ecstasy, he rolled me over quickly without breaking our connection and thrust himself into me two more times, much harder than we had been going before. I strained to get closer and then a second later I was crying out. Nate tensed above me as silent quakes rocked him. He shivered, feeling his own release. My body pulsed and tightened everywhere around him. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears as my vision filled with light.

The next moment of awareness I had must have been minutes later. Nate was next to me on his side, holding me as I lay on my back. His body was lower and his mouth was near my breast, his face resting on his own arm extended above him. There was a sheen of cold sweat coating our bodies but I wasn’t chilled. Still heated from the inside out, I was comfortable and sated.

There was something vulnerable about the way Nate held me as he dozed off that night. His position, below me and embracing me like a treasured gift, was so heartwarming.

Sometime later, he stirred. I awoke, looking down at him. “Why aren’t you sleeping, baby?” he said, his voice low and soothing.

“I didn’t know if you were going to take me home.”

He sat up quickly and flipped on the small light on the nightstand. “Take you home for what?” His eyes were open wide now.

“I didn’t know if you wanted me to stay.” I pulled the covers up to my neck and peered up at him. He glanced at the clock, which read 1:10 a.m., then looked back and crooked a smile. He yanked the covers back, exposing me. Without hesitation he slid toward me and pulled me tightly into his chest. His hand caressed my back. “Will you stay with me, Avelina? I want nothing more.”