[English] HUNTING LILA

Hunting Lila
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‘She was? But I don’t get it—’

‘This is where the information starts to become more vague. Somehow in that process she discovered what Demos was doing. That he was using his telepathy to gain access to information about the stockpiles.’

‘Please tell me why he would want information on nuclear stockpiles.’

‘Why does anyone want a nuclear weapon? For control, for power. With a threat like that at his fingertips he could create chaos.’

‘You know what? You’re right, this does sound crazy. Why? Why would he want to do that?’

‘Money probably, power definitely.’

‘But you can’t just waltz off with a nuclear weapon and take over the world. What can you do with a nuclear weapon, anyway? Load it into a catapult and fire? Fire it where?’

A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth and suddenly I didn’t want to talk anymore. I just wanted to watch him. He was smiling at me. First hugs, now smiles. Maybe he really didn’t hate me. Maybe I could convince him that I wasn’t subhuman or whatever he thought about me exactly; that I was still Lila.

‘He wouldn’t need to fire it – it’s just the threat of it – that would be enough.’

‘But we have a whole army – why just go after him with twenty-four men? Why not put the whole army on to him if he’s such a threat?’

For a moment I thought whoever was in charge needed to be fired. They clearly weren’t a very good strategist.

‘None of this can be made public knowledge, Lila. Do you want the general public to know about what you can do? What do you think would happen if people thought that people like you existed? That there were people out there who could control their thoughts and their actions, who could read their minds, or rearrange their memories?’

Was that what a sifter was? I wasn’t too sure what would happen if it became public knowledge – was he talking lynchings? Men in white coats carrying out vivisections on us? Other sorts of testing?

From the look on Alex’s face he thought it would be bad. I thought about how I’d instinctively hidden my ability from everyone, even the people I loved. Something inside me had known, without needing to be told, that exposing it would be dangerous. But then again, keeping it hidden didn’t seem to be much safer. The Unit were after us like we were stray rodents and being contained didn’t sound like a much better option – in fact, it sounded worse.

‘I’m not sure,’ I said finally. ‘If the option is being hunted down by the Unit or having the public know about me – I think right now I’m going with the public vote.’

Alex looked at me with an expression I could only place as anguish. ‘Well, you’ve no choice on that one. It’s coming down from the highest authority. It stays secret.’

‘What authority? Like the President?’

‘No. Higher.’

There was a higher authority? Wasn’t that supposed to be God or someone?

He saw my face, my glance up at the ceiling, and laughed at me. ‘No, not that kind of authority. You don’t honestly think that the President is in charge, do you?’

‘Er, isn’t he?’ If he wasn’t in charge, who the heck was?

‘Lila, we’re a black op. Even the President doesn’t know about black ops.’

I stared at him with my eyebrows raised.

‘The only option we’ve been told is to keep going after them. Stop them. Anytime there’s any threat of public exposure it gets covered up fast. The same way other terrorist threats do. It’s all kept under the radar.’

I stared at him open-mouthed, feeling my naïvety falling away from me like a layer of clothing.

‘We’re getting closer to them. The Unit have got three of them now. They’ll get Demos eventually. Then we’ll start focusing on the others – on getting them all.’

He realised what he’d said and stopped abruptly, looking at me with a guilty expression. Neither of us spoke for a few seconds. I looked away from him and tried to swallow and breathe and not cry.

‘Lila, I don’t mean, I’m . . .’

I shut my eyes. I didn’t want to hear it.

I didn’t hear him move but I felt him put his hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. It was clear where he stood on the matter.

‘How will you stop Demos? You said he had a special power.’

Alex hesitated before speaking. ‘He can only focus it on a few people at a time. Which is why he needs an army. With the abilities he’s collecting around him it’s getting harder to find him and harder still to fight him. Our weapons are limited – you’ve seen the extent of them.’

Yes, big guns and loud alarms.

‘We can only use them in short bursts and his people are usually able to stop us before we can set it off. They see us coming – that girl Suki can hear us from a mile off. There are others who can pick up on the atmosphere, sense us when we get close, and now, I guess, with Key’s son, it explains how they’re able to predict our moves, stay one step ahead of us. He’s following us and letting them know what we’re planning. As fast as we take one of his people out, he recruits another.’ He looked at me with a little shrug.

‘And all of this, everything you’ve just told me about Demos and this so-called terrorist plot; you’re telling me that now you’re not actually sure it’s the truth?’ I shook my head at him, confused. ‘Why not?’

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Alex dropped his gaze to the floor, frowning, then looked up and met my eyes. ‘Because if they could lie to me about you, then they can lie about anything.’

20

I held Alex’s gaze, my breathing running rapid. ‘Lie about me? What do you mean?’ I stuttered.

Alex shook his head. ‘The things we’ve been made to believe about people like you – it – it just doesn’t make sense to me anymore. I look at you and I start questioning everything I’ve been told.’

Once more he’d stunned me into silence. Clearly the picture they’d painted of us was not that warm and fuzzy. They really believed they were hunting monsters. And in Demos’s case, they obviously were.

‘But you believed them before yesterday – why?’

He looked away again and I could see the frustration etched on his face. ‘Because, when Jack and I were recruited at Washington State, they offered us the chance for revenge. And we believed them because we wanted to.’

‘What did they tell you? How did they recruit you?’

‘Two men showed up on campus one day. They wouldn’t tell us who they were working for. At first we assumed CIA but I don’t think they were. They showed us the information they had on Melissa’s – sorry – on your mother’s murder. They showed us everything they had on Demos: photographs, crime reports, trials in absentia, a whole raft of reports and evidence on other psys. At first we thought they were making it up. You have to understand, for us, it was like discovering aliens existed and were living among us. We didn’t believe it. So they took us to Pendleton, to the Unit, and showed us. They had one, someone they’d captured. We saw it with our own eyes. He could do what Key can do. We started to believe them, to ask questions. They told us that the Unit’s mission was to catch people like your mother’s killers. We didn’t need any other incentive. We signed the papers right there and then. It seems crazy now, but at the time there was no other option for either of us. We had to do it.’

It didn’t seem crazy at all. I loved them both for it. I just wished I hadn’t ended up being on their hit list.

‘Can I ask you a question now?’ Alex was looking at me, his blue eyes piercing right through me. I readied myself. ‘How did it happen?’

I leaned back against the headboard and hugged my knees tighter. ‘I don’t know. I thought you might be able to tell me that.’

He thought about it for a moment. ‘We don’t know. All we’ve managed to do is isolate the gene. We’re not sure what triggers it, though. Some people have the gene but it just lies dormant.’

It was genetic? Wow. Why wasn’t Jack like me, then?

‘When did it start?’ Alex suddenly asked.

It felt so strange to be admitting any of this, to be talking about it so openly. But at the same time, if there was anyone on the planet I wanted to tell, it was Alex. Just not under these circumstances.

I took a few breaths then started. ‘Three years ago. Well, actually there was one incident before then but I didn’t realise it was me . . .’

Alex waited for me to continue.

‘When I came to London it was really difficult. In my first week at school I got mad with a teacher. She, um, she . . .’ I looked down at the sheet, stroking the hem with my finger. ‘She asked me to take off the bracelet you’d given me. You remember it?’ I glanced up and met Alex’s eyes but he showed no flicker of recognition. Maybe he hadn’t opened my present.

I carried on. ‘I said no. She told me again to take it off or she’d cut it off and I said no. So she came towards me with these scissors . . . and I don’t know what happened. One minute the scissors were in her hand and the next they’d flown halfway across the room and were sticking out of the blackboard.’

I looked back up at Alex. He was pressing his lips together, reining in whatever he wanted to say. It was actually quite funny that my ability had, in a way, been triggered by his present to me.

I hurried on. ‘I had no idea I had made it happen. People looked at me weirdly but I honestly didn’t have a clue it was me.’

‘And then?’

I realised I’d stopped talking. I’d been thinking back to that moment and the teacher’s face as the scissors flew out of her hand. I frowned as I fast-forwarded to the first proper time I’d been conscious of.

‘Well, the next time it really happened was a year or so later. At school, in the dining room someone made a comment about my mum and I just lost it.’

I bit my lip. I didn’t need him thinking I was unstable or unable to control my ability. Which would be correct, but he didn’t need to know that.

‘I didn’t usually mind the comments – I mean, I guess I was a little weird; a little distant, uninterested – but it wasn’t a good time. I was missing my mum so much. I was missing you and Jack.’ I felt my stomach tighten. ‘So this girl said something and I threw a jam roly-poly at her head.’ There was a silence, so I added, ‘Not using my hands, obviously.’

‘You did what?’ He burst out laughing. It wasn’t the reaction I’d expected. I started laughing too.

‘Yeah, it was pretty stupid. But she deserved it. Anyway, after that, everyone pretty much avoided me. They thought I’d actually chucked it, that it had been in my hand. You would, right? I got into trouble. But I didn’t care – I was just utterly amazed that I could do this, this thing. So I started to practise. You know, with pencils and books and small things. It took ages to get a grip on it. I thought maybe it was all in my mind at first, that I was imagining it, and then, it was a bit like riding a bike, I just got it one day. Moving things without, um, actually touching them, was like the most natural thing in the world.’

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I didn’t mention that it was a bit like riding a bike with no brakes, down a very steep hill.

‘And does it have anything to do with why you came here? Did you really get mugged?’

‘Yes. That was the truth. I just didn’t tell you the whole story.’ I paused; Alex was looking at me with a face like thunder. ‘I – I didn’t hurt them.’

‘What did they do to you?’

I realised he wasn’t angry with me, he was angry with them. This was good – anywhere his anger could be directed other than at me was good.

‘Nothing. Well, I mean, they were just trying to take my bag. But they held a knife to me and, I don’t know what happened, but the next second I was holding the knife. Well, not holding it exactly. It was—’ I couldn’t accurately describe it, so I stopped.

Alex put his head in his hands. I hadn’t thought it was that bad. Oh God, he did think I was a sociopath.

‘I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t hurt them. I know it was bad. I tried to stop. I did stop. I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again. Then all this happened and . . .’ I ran out of steam.

He looked up at me with an expression I really couldn’t read. Like someone had told him his motorbike had been stolen.

‘Will you tell Jack?’ I asked.

His expression settled. ‘I think he needs to know.’

‘Why?’ I didn’t want to tell Jack. I knew he’d make Alex’s reaction look like a peace me***ation.

‘Because, Lila, you’re his sister. And I have to get you out of the country and I need his help to do it.’

I threw off the blanket and stood up off the bed. ‘But he’ll hate me, he’ll look at me like you just did. Like I’m some kind of monster, something awful. Like the people who killed Mum.’

Suddenly he was on his feet. ‘Lila, that’s not what I think. I told you I don’t believe it. It’s not what Jack will think, either, once we explain.’

‘But you’re still not sure about me – I can see the doubt. And the way you’re looking at me now . . . it’s obvious.’

‘No – no, that’s not it. I’m angry now, for sure. But not with you. I’m furious with those kids for mugging you. I could kill them. You had far more self-control than Jack or I would have done.’

He sat back down on the bed, facing me. ‘I’m sorry about last night, and today. The way I’ve been treating you,’ he said. ‘It was a shock.’ He paused, trying to think what to say. ‘It’s what I was trying to tell you before. For the last three years I’ve been programmed to think of you, of people like you, rather, as something less than human. As all bad. It was as if the gene that triggers this was a rogue gene, like a cancer, wiping out all the good in people – and then I see you . . . It was, it was a bit like losing gravity.’ He ran his hands down his face, pressed his fingers into his temples. ‘Everything’s changed. I no longer know what to think or who to trust.’

I stared straight at him. Did he trust me? The silence started to thump like it had its own heartbeat. Neither of us moved or said anything for a long time. I was trying to reconstruct the whole night from this new perspective.

‘Is that why you almost killed Key too? Because you thought he was like me?’ Was their automatic reaction to try to exterminate us on sight?

‘What?’ His eyes flashed, his voice was low but angry. ‘I almost killed him because I saw him dragging you out of the house.’

‘Oh.’ I sank down onto the opposite bed.

‘I had no idea who he was – I just saw him with you and—’ He looked up at me apologetically and I felt my heart do a little jump. He’d been trying to save me. Put like that, it was swoonworthy stuff, though I doubted Key’s face agreed.

All of a sudden, none of it mattered anymore. The whole of last night could be rewritten in my head. He wasn’t angry with me. He didn’t hate me. Now all I needed was for him to tell me he was coming with me.

‘Where am I going to go?’

His eyes met mine. He really looked so tired. Like he didn’t have the energy to stand. He hadn’t slept yet. ‘I don’t know yet. I’m thinking about it.’

A thought bubbled to the surface. ‘What about my dad? What will we tell him if I just disappear?’

‘We’ll make something up. You can see him again when this is over. When it’s safe.’

‘You know he’s not going to be that happy about me missing my exams.’ It seemed ridiculous to be worrying about tests when I was potentially about to be killed, but I knew how my dad’s mind worked.

‘Yes, I realise that. I’m sorry. Maybe you can take them in a few months’ time.’

‘Hmmm. Maybe.’ I didn’t mind. Not taking exams and heading off into the sunset with Alex was a pretty amazing deal. I’d take it every time.

A thought was scuttling around my head, though, and I couldn’t shake it. I heard myself voice it quietly. ‘Are you coming with me?’

He took a while to answer, then he said, ‘You think I’d let you go alone?’ My heart leapt.

Alex stood up and came towards me and then knelt down in front of me. ‘Lila, when you asked me earlier why I was helping you and I told you I had no choice I meant I have no choice because you are—’

The trilling of a phone interrupted. I hung on to the last words, I am what? I am WHAT?

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He was gone, though, over to the table, where his phone was vibrating.

‘Hello . . .? We’re good. Where are you? Did you find them?’

It had to be Key. There was a pause.

‘OK. OK. No, that’s good. Yes. I’ll call him later. We’re going to be gone in twenty-four hours. Is that long enough?’

‘Yes, I promise. Yes – I will be.’ A pause. ‘No. Not on her own.’ Another pause. ‘Yes. And Key – thank you.’

He hung up and turned towards me. I waited. He put the phone down on the table.

‘He’s followed them. They’re in San Diego. They’re trying to find us there. The Unit are closing in. They think we’re with them.’ He stopped and I caught the worry on his face. ‘I hope he doesn’t get caught. There’s not much I can do from here.’

I felt all the air come out of me. So we were safe for the moment. The fear wasn’t gone but it was muted. No one was about to come racing through the door. Apart from maybe the police but I was sure that Alex could handle them. He probably had some gadget in his bag that would persuade them to put their guns away and leave us in peace. For the first time in almost twenty-four hours, I felt myself relax, and my muscles started to scream as they uncramped.

‘I need to call Jack.’

My head jerked up. ‘Now?’

No, he couldn’t call Jack now. He needed to finish his sentence. I was what? He seemed to have forgotten our conversation, though. Instead, he crossed over to the chair where the holdall was still sitting and started rifling through it. He pulled out a small metallic-looking object and crossed to the phone that sat on the table between the two beds. He lifted the phone and attached the metal thing to the wires at the base. Then, glancing at me quickly, he dialled a number.

In the ten seconds it took for the call to connect, I held my breath, drawing my knees to my chest. My eyes didn’t leave Alex’s back.

‘Hey, Jack – no, listen, listen. Yes, no, don’t worry – she’s here – OK, here . . .’ He turned and held the phone out to me. ‘Tell him you’re all right.’

I clutched the phone. ‘Hi, Jack, it’s me.’

‘Jesus, Lila, where the hell are you? Are you OK? Where have you been?’

‘Er—’

Alex snatched the receiver back and I was grateful. I hadn’t been sure where to begin on that one.

‘We’re fine,’ I heard Alex say. ‘No. I can explain. It wasn’t Demos. We’re not with them.’ There was a pause.

‘Flank two.’

Flank what?

‘Seriously. They came to the house. I had to get her away and I couldn’t take her to the base. It wasn’t safe – the alarm – yes, I know. OK – how close are you?’

My breathing caught like it was snagged on barbed wire.

‘Right. Good. That’s good. Keep on them. Keep them south.’

Another pause. I could hear Jack’s voice getting louder.

‘The truck? Yeah, that was the idea. I’ll explain when I see you. The car? Yeah, I’ll explain that later too . . . No. No. It’s fine.’

Uh-oh.

‘No, I think it’s best we stay as far away from San Diego and the base as possible. Can you meet us? Alone. You need to come alone – any more of you and they’ll suspect something. You come alone and let the Unit take care of business. I’m serious, Jack. Don’t even tell them where you’re going. Demos is getting intel from the inside. I can’t tell you over the phone.’

Alex dropped his voice, shouldering me out. ‘I need to talk to you face-to-face.’

There was a hugely long pause and I started to fidget. Alex’s shoulders were tensing, I could see that even from behind. He was running his hand over his close-cropped hair. I remembered how it had felt; soft, like dandelion quills. Wow, I really needed to focus.

‘Just her passport. And some papers for you and me.’

Both of them?

‘When’s the earliest you can meet us?’

‘OK. Eight a.m. Near Palm Springs. I’ll call you and tell you where to go.’

I glanced at the clock. It was flashing 23.13.

Alex hung up and turned to me. My face was expectant. His lips were pursed.

‘What did he say about Demos?’

‘As Key said, they’re in San Diego, the Unit are on them. They thought Demos had us both. It caused a major panic. The whole Unit deployed after them.’

‘But I thought you said they wouldn’t do anything if anyone from the Unit got taken?’

‘It’s not about me,’ he said, looking at me pointedly.

I continued staring at him.

Alex carried on, ‘He wanted to know about the car.’

I bet. I didn’t want to be nearby when Alex told him the truth about that.

‘And flank two?’ I asked. ‘What does that mean?’

He smiled. ‘Just a code word, to let him know we’re not under duress.’

‘Why did you say Demos was getting intel from the inside?’

‘So he wouldn’t tell anyone what he was doing and would come alone.’

Oh.

I frowned. ‘So we’re meeting Jack tomorrow?’ It felt suddenly like the night before an exam. I was sweating fear. ‘Are you sure we have to tell him? I’m not so—’

‘Yes, we have to tell him.’

I glared at him. ‘Why?’

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‘For lots of reasons. Mainly because I need him to know the truth.’

‘What about me? I don’t want him to know the truth. Does that count? Don’t I get a say in this?’

‘Lila, it’ll be fine. It’s Jack. I’ll talk to him – he needs to know.’ Alex was deploying the tone he usually used to defuse situations, soft and smooth and stomach-flipping.

Great. Well, I hoped wherever we were going was in public so Jack couldn’t do anything to me without witnesses.

Alex seemed subdued once more, wrapped up in his thoughts, and I wondered whether they were about how to tell Jack about my ability without him killing or containing me.

‘Come on, let’s both get some sleep while we can. We need to be up before dawn – I need to steal another car.’

He crossed to the second bed and flopped onto it, pushing his gun half under the pillow with his hand resting on it. He was on his side, his eyes already closed.

I stood stranded, knowing I needed to go and lie down on the other bed but wanting so much to crawl into his bed and curl up against him.

‘Can I sleep with you?’ I asked. My hand flew to my mouth. It had just come out. A bit like my ability just came out when I was tired or otherwise emotional.

Alex opened one eye and gave me a long, guarded look but then finally he lifted his arm and I went and slid under it.

21

I was lying on my side and Alex’s arm was wound tight around me, the weight of it across my waist and hip. I opened my eyes a crack and saw his hand on the sheet in front of me, the gun cradled in his palm still. I could feel the warmth of his chest radiating against my back, although he wasn’t pressed against me – there must have been a centimetre of two of space between us – and I fought hard against the temptation to nudge myself back and close the distance. I concentrated on keeping my breathing steady.

I turned slowly, shifting my weight, trying not to wake him, I didn’t want to risk having him remove his arm or twist away from me. Once I was lying on my back, his bare arm fell across my stomach. I glanced through my lashes. Alex in sleep was even more beautiful to look at than awake. I had never been quite this close to him before, or seen him asleep. Sleepovers at seven didn’t count. And then he’d been in the top bunk.

I was glad my arms were bound by the dead weight of his arm because otherwise I would have moved my hand right now to stroke his face, trace his eyelashes, follow the line of his lips. I tried very hard to still my frayed breathing. His body seemed to tense for a second, then relaxed again. His breathing stayed even and I stayed staring at his lips thinking about what they’d feel like if I moved an inch and pressed mine to them. It really was like leaving a feast in front of a starving man. I even began licking my lips in anticipation.

Then suddenly Alex’s eyes were open. One second he’d been sleeping and the next his blue eyes were boring into mine. I drew in a breath. We stared at each other in the closing gloom of the room. I was lost. Gone. No hope. I could feel my heart stammering jagged beats and was sure he could hear it too.

Then, just like that, Alex moved his arm from my waist. Where the weight had been was now just empty space. I felt unfettered, like I might float up to the ceiling. I waited for him to roll away but, very slowly, very gently, he laid his hand on my cheek, his thumb near the corner of my mouth. If I’d thought his arm across my waist was electric, this was like shock therapy. My brain went blank, just aware of an intense pulsing beat in my cheek. He kept his eyes on mine, his gaze unblinking, and I stared right back into the blue. He moved almost imperceptibly and in the space between a heartbeat his lips touched mine.

The whole world opened up. It was like it exploded, drawing me down into a black hole where nothing was solid or real anymore. I felt boneless, weightless, free. Lights were beginning to flash in my head. Probably from the lack of oxygen. I had a desperate urge to feel Alex’s skin against mine. All those times he’d been within reaching distance and I’d not been allowed to touch him, all those hours I’d daydreamed through lessons about being this close to him – I was making up for them all now – and then some.

The real thing was so much better than all those daydreams, infinitely, incredibly better. My hands slid up under Alex’s T-shirt. It was such an overwhelming desire I couldn’t have stopped myself if I’d tried. The T-shirt was lifting without me even touching it. Wonderful, useful power, I thought. And then my fingers were against the warm flatness of his stomach. I could feel the ridges of muscle beneath my hands and I heard my breathing pick up a pace.

Then Alex froze, his hand suddenly gripping my wrist, and he started tugging it away.

I opened my eyes. The flashing lights hadn’t been a figment of my imagination or due to lack of oxygen. The room light was blinking on and off repeatedly. It stopped as soon as I noticed, leaving us in darkness, with just the dim light from the street shining through the crack in the curtains.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, letting go of my wrist and rolling away from me.

His words spun around me, pinging off my skull, my brain disconnected, the synapses still firing around other parts of my body. I felt the flames flicker out.

Alex sat up and swung his feet to the floor, putting his back to me. I drew myself onto my knees and tried to shake the feeling back into my body.

‘Why are you sorry?’ I asked in a shaking voice. My hand hovered over his shoulder, too uncertain to close the distance and touch him.

Alex stood up and walked away. ‘Lila, this is not right.’

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Not right? Was he kidding? It was so right. So, so, so right.

‘What are you saying? I don’t understand. Is this about my ability?’

He’d stopped kissing me because of the light. I could see how it might be a little off-putting, but it wasn’t like I’d fired his gun at the ceiling rodeo-style.

Alex whipped around. ‘No. Don’t ever think that. It’s nothing to do with that. Whatever you can do, whatever ability you have, you’re still Lila. It’s part of you – who you are. And I wouldn’t change anything about you – other than maybe your proclivity for running off,’ he added as an afterthought.

My hand dropped. I swallowed hard. Then reached forward slowly to take his hand. He stepped back out of range and panic started to weave through my limbs like poison, deadening them. Without looking at me he walked into the bathroom and closed the door. I heard the sound of the lock turning.

I sat on the raft of the bed wondering which way to paddle to safety. My hand was pressed to my lips. I was trying to commit to memory the pressure of his lips, the way he’d tasted. I stared at the bathroom door speechless, my brain trying to compute what had just happened.

About five minutes later he came out. He avoided making eye contact and glanced at his watch. ‘We may as well get going while it’s still dark.’ He moved to the chair in the corner and started rummaging around in the bag.

I stared at him, my mouth half open. That was it? That was all he had to say? I looked down at the bedcover, rucked up under my feet. At least when there was rage and anger I had known where I stood – more or less. Now I was sinking, not knowing what to think. We had just kissed, hadn’t we? That had happened, hadn’t it?

The sound of a zipper closing made me look up. Alex was throwing the bag over his shoulder. I watched as he pushed his gun down the back of his jeans. He glanced up at me and I was sure I detected a faint flare of embarrassment. He grabbed the keys and jerked his head towards the door. ‘Ready?’

I stumbled off the bed feeling woozy and slipped on my shoes. My face was burning, my breathing still haphazard, my lips on fire. I could feel my emotions starting to flare. I couldn’t understand why he was ignoring what had happened and I wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. How did people do this? I had no clue what the protocol was. Was he embarassed because I was Jack’s sister? Was he disgusted by me? No, I couldn’t believe it. There had been no disgust in that kiss. So what else was it? Guilt, maybe? Because I was Jack’s sister?

Oh no. Rachel. Of course. How on earth had I managed to forget about her? Selective amnesia, obviously. Or just complete denial.

The bag Alex was holding suddenly slam-dunked into the bed. I bit my bottom lip and looked at him wide-eyed, waiting for his reaction. He was looking at the bag in bewildered shock. Then he looked over at me with disbelief painted on his face. Eeek. He looked back at the bag, lying on its side by the foot of the bed. I guessed it was lucky Rachel wasn’t actually there in the room because, for sure, furniture would have been flying, not just a bag.

‘Did you just do that?’ His voice was calm.

‘Um. Maybe.’

‘Lila?’

It was just like the time I got called to the headmistress’s office about the flying jam roly-poly.

‘Yes. OK. I did it. It was an accident. I told you, sometimes it just happens.’

‘Like the scissors?’

Crap. ‘Yes.’

He nodded his head slowly. ‘I see.’ He looked up at me now and I felt a cramp of butterflies. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have taught you how to take the safety off a gun. Do I need to watch my back?’

He gave me a little smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He was trying to joke but I didn’t feel like it. I was mad at him. Why had he kissed me if he liked Rachel?

‘Why are you here with me?’

‘Excuse me?’ He looked properly confused. ‘I thought I’d answered that one.’

‘I mean,’ I continued, my voice rising, ‘why are you here with me when clearly you would rather be with Rachel?’ I didn’t really mean here. I meant why was he kissing me if, he had a thing going on with I’m the boss don’t mess with me Barbie?

‘Rachel?’ He looked really confused now.

‘Yes. Rachel. Why don’t you go back to her? You have a choice. You don’t need to be here with me.’ I sounded so jealous and ridiculous. I wanted to slam-dunk myself with the bag and knock myself out.

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

Oh, he agreed with me about the ridiculousness. Great. I turned away so he wouldn’t see the tears of anger that were starting to prick behind my eyes.

‘You think I like Rachel?’ Alex said to my back. He sounded surprised.

I turned around, suddenly furious that he was making me spell it out. ‘You went on a date with her, didn’t you?’ I was thinking about the restaurant we’d been to for Alex’s birthday, but Alex seemed to be drawing a blank. He was frowning. ‘I saw you in the bar,’ I added, ‘I saw you laughing and joking with her. So, why are you here with me?’

Suddenly the penny seemed to drop. I could see the moment of realisation and then his face turned serious. He brought his hands to my shoulders and this time I didn’t try to dodge them, they weighed me down like a diver’s belt.

‘Lila,’ he said, his eyes holding mine, ‘I don’t like Rachel. And I am here with you because it’s where I want to be.’

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He didn’t like her?

‘You don’t like her?’ I stammered.

He shook his head once, firmly. ‘Not like that.’

Oh. I took a moment to compute. This was quite embarrassing, then.

Alex let his hands drop from my shoulders. ‘I’ve never been on a date with Rachel. If you’re talking about the comment Jack made at the restaurant, he was talking about a business lunch. All the team leaders were there.’

Oh again.

He waited a beat. ‘And what you saw in the bar was not what you think. When you saw me with Rachel, she was telling me something that I didn’t believe. That’s why I was laughing. Then I saw you and . . .’ He tailed off.

Telling him what? A joke? Something about changes to the working hours directive? What could she possibly be telling him that was so funny? She was his boss. Bosses shouldn’t tell jokes. Especially black ops bosses.

‘What was she telling you?’ I asked, confused myself now.

Alex looked at the ground then his blue eyes flashed to me and I braced myself. ‘She was telling me that she thought you had feelings for me.’

I swallowed and tried to keep my face neutral. ‘Feelings?’ My heart rate started to accelerate like it was pumping amphetamine not blood round my body.

He took in a deep breath. ‘She told me that she overheard you in the bar telling Sara you loved me.’

Sounded out, echoing around the room, the love word settled on us both like a layer of ash after a fire. I couldn’t meet Alex’s eyes. I just stared at the floor in horror. Rachel had overheard that? Where had she been? The bar had been crowded but how had I not noticed her?

Perhaps because I was only ever aware of Alex. So, Rachel had heard – but why had she told him? Why would she do that?

Because she was a total bitch. That’s why.

I replayed the scene from the bar in my head. Alex had been laughing because he’d just found out that I loved him. It put a new slant on things certainly, but not a better one. He found it hilarious that I loved him. I looked at the ground and visualised a hole. Nothing happened. Useless power.

I needed to get into the bathroom. Somewhere I could lock the door and hide. I didn’t care about meeting Jack. Alex could go on his own. I’d wait in the bathroom for the Unit instead.

But Alex got to the door before me, blocking my way. I tried to walk past him but he feinted and I couldn’t get around him. I spun round and crossed to the bed, dropping onto it like a rock and burying my head in my arms.

There was a moment of silence and I heard my breathing loud and uneven in the **** of my arms. I waited, hoping Alex would just pick up the bag and leave. But he didn’t. He came and sat down next to me and I felt his hand on my back.

‘Lila,’ he said. ‘Please. Can we talk?’

His voice was so gentle I felt myself start to turn, my body wanting to roll into him and find comfort. I stopped myself. I stayed quiet and held my breath. I really didn’t know what to say. He didn’t either obviously as he sat there in silence for another minute.

Eventually, he spoke again, quietly. ‘When I said I had no choice about helping you, I meant it. There was no other option because you are the only option. I don’t trust anything at the moment. But the one thing I am sure of, the one thing that I do trust . . .’ he paused for a fraction of a second, ‘is the way I feel about you.’

He stopped and my eyes flew open. How did he feel about me? I didn’t understand what he was saying. I rolled over slowly to look at him and his hand fell away, off my back. My voice when I found it was raspy. ‘I don’t – what are you saying?’

Alex frowned, his jaw clenching then unclenching, like he was saying the words against his better judgement. ‘I’m saying that the way I feel about you is not the way I should be feeling about you.’

‘What do you mean not the way you should be feeling?’ I could feel my body starting to shake.

He rubbed a hand across his forehead like he had a migraine. ‘I like you. Too much.’

I took in such a huge gulp of oxygen that the air turned thin around me. He liked me? Alex, who I had loved my entire life, liked me. And, from the sound of it, he meant like as in like. Not as in liking a great aunt or tea with sugar. But it didn’t make sense for him to like me. It didn’t add up. I sat up.

‘But you laughed. When she told you, you laughed.’

Alex shut his eyes for a few seconds and when he opened them he seemed to have decided something. ‘I was laughing, Lila, because I didn’t believe her. I thought Rachel had to be joking.’

Suddenly nothing mattered anymore. Not Rachel. Not the Unit. Not Demos. Alex liked me. He liked me. He liked me too much. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. It was cracking it in two.

‘But Lila, like I said before, it’s not right. I’m not going to take advantage of you.’ He stood up.

My smile dissolved. Was he kidding? I leapt off the bed towards him. ‘Take it. Take the advantage. You can have it. I’m giving it to you. It’s yours.’

He took a step back. ‘No, Lila. You’re Jack’s sister.’

I stopped in my tracks. ‘This is about Jack?’

I couldn’t believe it. As if Jack would extend the same courtesy to Alex if the situation was reversed.

‘It’s a part of it. He’d kill me if he knew.’

I couldn’t disagree with any vehemence. But it wasn’t Jack’s life. It wasn’t his business.

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Before I could put any of this into words, though, Alex carried on. ‘It’s more than just Jack. I can’t see you hurt and this – this will end badly.’

What, he could see the future now?

‘This as in, this,’ I pointed at him and then me, ‘or this as in Demos and the situation we’re in? What’s going to end badly?’

He gave a faint shrug. ‘I won’t hurt you.’ It was said like a promise. ‘And this is going to hurt you.’ He said it so finally. As though he had already made up his mind.

The panic finally made it to my chest, filling my lungs with tar so I couldn’t breathe. ‘No it isn’t,’ I whispered. ‘Stopping is going to hurt me.’

He couldn’t just tell me he liked me, kiss me and then take it all away.

Considering everything else in my life I’d had taken away from me it really wasn’t fair. But this time I wasn’t going to let it happen.

Alex was shaking his head. ‘I’m sorry, Lila. I really shouldn’t have kissed you.’ He was running a hand over his head as though trying to erase the memory. I stood there open-mouthed. ‘It was wrong of me. And I shouldn’t have told you how I was feeling. I just wanted you to know that what you were thinking wasn’t the case. I could see what was going through your head. And none of it was true.’

‘But if you feel something how can you just stop? How can you?’ My voice was shaking and I tried to still it.

‘Because it isn’t about what I want. It’s about what’s for the best.’

‘So you do want this? You do want me?’ Did he? I still didn’t know what he wanted.

Alex paused. ‘I want you to be happy and I want you to be safe,’ he said finally.

‘I’m both those things with you.’

Alex looked pained, his face reminding me of how I had felt when he hit the button in the car and everything turned to shattering white noise. When he noticed my face though, looking like I’d had my heart torn from my chest and wrung out in front of me, he reacted quickly. ‘Come on,’ he said, holding out his hand, ‘let’s talk about this later. Now’s not the time. We need to get out of here.’

He pulled me over to the door, pausing to pick up the bag. I let him. Of course I let him, even though I wanted to resist and face him and demand to know when the right time was going to be. I was desperate to get him to promise he wasn’t going to stop anything, least of all the kissing, or the liking. I needed to convince him Jack wouldn’t kill him, which he probably would, that he wasn’t taking advantage and that he couldn’t just stop, because I needed him. Absolutely and completely needed him. I couldn’t imagine surviving a single second in the world without him next to me. And by that, I didn’t just mean in a world where the Unit was chasing me, I meant in any world.

22

We were at the base of the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway, near to the ticket booth. I looked up at the mountain rising out of the desert like a giant’s table. The cable car looked flimsy, like a child’s toy, next to it.

I glanced at Alex. ‘We’re going on that thing?’

‘Yes, we are.’

‘Cool,’ and then, after a moment’s pause, ‘Will there be lots of people at the top?’

‘No. That’s the point.’

‘I think people around us would be good.’

‘Oh really? You want to demonstrate your ability to an audience?’

‘What do you mean, demonstrate my ability?’

‘Lila, you’re going to need to show Jack. He’s not going to believe us unless you do.’

‘No way.’

‘It’s the only way. Do you want to get out of the country? Do you want to be safe from Demos?’

I sighed. ‘Yes.’

‘Well, then, come on. Let’s go.’

Alex nudged me into the ticket booth. I stood there, staring up at the top of the mountain and then at the flat of the desert, wondering how this would play out. It was an awfully long drop. We had driven into Palm Springs, stopping for some breakfast at a roadside diner. Then Alex had called Jack from a payphone and arranged to meet him here. Or rather at the top of the cable car ride in the San Jacinto State Park, to be exact.

When he had the tickets, Alex walked back towards the car.

I followed after him. ‘Where are you going? Aren’t we going up? Did you change your mind?’ I was hopeful.

‘We’re waiting,’ he said to me over his shoulder.

I glanced back towards the cable car entrance. ‘What for? There’s no queue.’

‘For Jack – I want to see he’s alone first. We’ll let him head on up first and then we’ll follow him.’

We got in the car and I felt the first spirals of angst start to wind their way up my body. My feet started to tap the floor, my fingers playing a melody on the window ledge. Alex glanced over at me a few times and I gave him fleeting smiles that didn’t kid him for a second.

‘It’ll be OK,’ he said.

I just nodded and kept on tapping.

At midday we saw a red blur on the horizon. It looked familiar.

Alex sat up in his seat slightly and I kept following the blur as it became clearer. It was Alex’s bike. Jack was riding it. I hoped he’d give Alex the keys to it before he asked about the Audi. I sank down in my seat, hiding behind the dash.

We waited while he parked up and my heart started to gallop. Jack pulled off his helmet and looked up, scanning the car park. No doubt looking for the Audi. Finally, he gave up the search and stalked over to the ticket booth and we watched him disappear inside.