English Jokes ....

em xin post mấy mẩu chuyện cười = tiếng Anh cho xôm tụ

The Girl from the South

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya`ll from?"

The Northern girl turned her nose up, and said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya`ll from, bitch

Adventurous Dining
A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.
After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What''s this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What''s this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

A Medical Problem
An old woman came into her doctor''s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they''re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I''ve been here, I''ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here''s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson''s office. "Doctor, I don''t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I''m farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we''ve fixed your sinuses, we''ll work on your hearing!!!"

Condom Emergency
President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.
"My people''s favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I''ll get right on it!" said Clinton.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you''ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print ''MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM'' on each one."

Bubba
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn''t believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba''s boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Bubba''s boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don''t know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba''s boss says "No you weren''t!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck''s house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba''s boss can''t believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it''s just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Bubba''s boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don''t know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba''s boss says "No you weren''t!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get''s close enough to catch Clinton''s eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba''s boss is stunned-- he can''t believe it. But then he thinks "Well that''s just two people in one country-- that doesn''t mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Bubba''s boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba''s boss says "No he didn''t!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, we''re never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I''ll work my way up there and when I do, I''ll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba''s boss waits and waits and waits and just when he''s about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!
Shortly afterwards, Bubba''s boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Bubba''s boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks ''Who''s that up there with Bubba?'' that''s a little more than I can take!

The king''s daughter
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic -- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his
wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king''s wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the
third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince''s pants?

They were M&M''s of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)

The King of Africa
The beautiful African-American secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don''t reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three con***ions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first con***ion was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last con***ion, the secretary knows that she''d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work con***ion. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like ***, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch *****."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

RESEARCH
The United States spent $200,000.00 and two years studying why the head of a man''s ***** is larger than the shaft. After two years the researchers concluded that the head of a man''s ***** is larger than the shaft simply for a mans pleasure.
The Germans did not think the Americans conducted an accurate study so they did the same study except they spent $300,000.00 and three years. After three years they determined that the head of a man''s ***** is larger than the shaft simply for the pleasure of women.
Now the Polish did not believe that the Germans or the Americans had any clue as to what they were studying. So the Polish did a study of their own and spent $400.00 and four weeks and concluded that the head of a man''s ***** was there so his hand would not slip off and hit him in the forehead.

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"War not determine who right. War determine who left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"Man who live in glass house should change in basement."
"Boy who go to bed with ***ual problem wake up with solution in hand"
"Man who fish in other man''s well often catch crabs."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says to other, â?oWhoa! Whatâ?Ts up with your ding-dong?â?
â?oIâ?Tve been circumcised,â? replies the boy, â?othey cut the skin off the end when I was two days old.â?
â?oDid it hurt?â? asks the first.
â?oYou bet it hurt!â? Replies the second: â?oI didnâ?Tt walk for a year.â?