English Jokes ....

What Are Politics?
A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn''t want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."
"You do? Tell me."
"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft''s all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can''t get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I''ve got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I''ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it''s cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don''t we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It''s more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there''s a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'''' bigger.
13. It''s ok, we''ll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there''s an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it''ll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn''t know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won''t take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don''t we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn''t know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it''s hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I''ll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It''s a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you''re supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where''s the rest of it?

50 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU ARE ASIAN


1. You were/are a good student with very high GPAs

2. You majored in something practical like engineering,
medicine
or
finance

3. You have more than one-college degree, especially more than
one
Master''s

4. If you play a musical instrument, it must be piano

5. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table

6. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil

7. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it

8. You beat eggs with chopsticks

9. You always leave outdoor shoes at the door

10. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack

11. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times

12. You boil water before drinking

13. You eat all meals in the kitchen to keep your dining room
clean

14. You don''t use measuring cups when preparing foods

15. You save grocery bags and use them to hold garbage

16. You have a rice cooker

17. You''re a wok user

18. You fight over who pays the dinner bill

19. You wash rice 2-3 times before cooking it

20. You make sounds when you have a bowl of soup.

21. Your don''t dry-clean clothes,even if they need to be
dry-cleaned

22. You iron your own shirts

23. You like congee with thousand year old eggs

24. You always cook yourself, even if you hate it

25. You use cre*** cards, and pay monthly bills in full

26. You keep most of your money in a savings account

27. You buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50%
off

28. When you hand wash dishes, you only use cold water

29. You hate to waste food
a)Even if you''re totally full, if someone says they''re going to
throw away the leftovers on the table,you''ll finish them
b)You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice
or
one
leftover chicken wing

30. You don''t own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of
used
but
carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars

31. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses

32. When toilet paper is on sale, you buy 100 rolls and store
them

33. You have a collection of miniature shampoo/con***ioner
bottles
and
little soap bars that you take every time you stay in a hotel

34. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or
come in
plastic packets, which you "save" every time you get take out or
go
to
McDonald''s

35. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and
travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes)

36. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table

37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself

38. When you go to a dance party, there is a wall of guys
surrounding the
dance floor trying to look cool

39. Your house/apt. is always cold in winter, and hot in summer

40. Your mom drives her Mercedes to Price Club, or Shoppers Food
Warehouse
regardless how far it is, even if Safeway is next door.

41. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since
calling

Directory Assistance costs 50 cents

42. You only make long distance calls after 11pm or during
weekends

43. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still
attached.

44. You never call your parents just to say hi

45. You think ONLY Japanese can make good CARS!

46. You use a colored face cloth every morning

47. You starve yourself before going to all-you-can-eat places.

48. You''ve joined a CD club at least once

49. You never discuss your love life with your parents



AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST



50. You take this message and forward it to all your Asian
friends

MY FIRST TIME EVER
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone, just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn''t know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear.
My fast beating heart,
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it,
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it''s finished
It''s all over now.
My first time ever
At milking a cow.
DGC

TRUE STORY!
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn''t overcome and didn''t really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn''t say a
word. She said, "I''m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I
opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his
eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn''t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Here is the comment of one of my recipients: "Actually he walked straight towards his car to get condom ". Do you think the same?

So You Wanna Learn English
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had *****bject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let''s face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren''t invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren''t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don''t fing, grocers don''t groce and hammers don''t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn''t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn''t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn''t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

EuroEnglish
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of negotiations, her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.
By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru

English Pronunciation!?!
If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world. After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he''d prefer six months of hard labour to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it''s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation''s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won''t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It''s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

những đạo luật về *** ở nước Mỹ và 1 số nơi khác ...
Weird *** Laws
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn''t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all ***ual activity between members of the opposite *** in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they''re nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you''re safe from the law!)
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a ***ual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having *** in a car.
It''s safe to make love while parked in Coeur d''Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren''t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that *** is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. [Hmmm... okay, there''s one place with a law that makes sense... -psl]
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a ***ual orgasm.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple''s own property.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have *** on city streets.
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have *** with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have *** unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can''t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club".
The following important amendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses."
In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having *** on the city''s airport property.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can''t be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife''s consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated. [Not to be confused with the myth about "rule of thumb"''s origin -psl]
In Maryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
In Michigan, a woman isn''t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband''s permission.
In Nevada *** without a condom is considered illegal.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having *** while standing inside a store''s walk-in meat freezer!
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can''t go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for men only-called a corset inspector.)
In Oblong, Illinois, it''s punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
In Oxford, Ohio, it''s illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man''s picture.
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it''s illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have *** with a man while riding in an ambulance. In ad***ion to normal charges, the woman''s name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
Utah state legislation outlaws all *** with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal ***, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. *** with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.
(The following was received from Patrick Clark unterhund@mailcity.com
a resident of Utah: "Unfortunately, your page on weird USA *** laws ( http://www.bertc.com/***laws.htm ) has some errors. Utah law does not consider masturbation to be sodomy. Specifically, Utah Code section 76-5-403 ( http://www.le.state.ut.us/~code/TITLE76/htm/76_05048.htm ) defines sodomy to include the mouth or anus of one person, and the genitals of another. Near as I can tell by reading the law, both are guilty of the misdemeanor, unless it''s without consent. Then it''s a felony for the aggressor. I can''t find anything making private masturbation illegal. In public, on the other hand . . .
Also, "polygamy" is actually "bigamy" in Utah law (section 76-7-101 at http://www.le.state.ut.us/~code/TITLE76/htm/76_09002.htm), and it''s a felony. Of course, adultery and fornication are both illegal, but there''s no mention of position in the Utah Code anywhere.
Finally, regarding *** with animals, it''s not "sodomy," true. It''s "bestiality," which is a misdemeanor (section 76-9-301.8 at http://www.le.state.ut.us/~code/TITLE76/htm/76_0B015.htm). If done for pay--in fact, if any of the legal or illegal things listed above (aside from bigamy) are done in public--it''s lewdness or ***ual battery, depending on how willing any other person involved might be (section 76-9-70 at http://www.le.state.ut.us/~code/TITLE76/htm/76_0B037.htm).
Yes, it''s anal of me to call this to your attention. I''m a picky sort, especially when my state''s already, um, interesting reputation is unfairly attacked.'')
In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have *** without a permit.
The only acceptable ***ual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other ***ual position is considered illegal.
In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having *** with his wife.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having *** with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).
---anon---
And in a similar manner:
1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have *** with animals, but the animals must be female. Having ***ual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman''s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during theexamination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the *** organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
5. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having *** for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let''s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.!! The husband''s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have *** with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have *** with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough Problem that they had to pass this law?)
10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."