[English] The Only One

The Only One
The Only One Page 10



John shook his head. “He’s a nice kid, but dude has got to get better with the opposite ***.”

Me and him both.

“So, you want to watch the guys play some Madden or go downstairs and play some pool?” He squeezed my side and I looked up to see the hint of his eyes underneath his cap. God he was ***y.

“Um.” My hands shook, fiddling with the straps on my purse before I opened it and pulled out his t-shirt. “I brought this back, so I don’t know if you want to put it up in your room first, so I don’t forget it again.”

An all out grin crossed his face. “Keep it. It looks way better on you.”

“Yeah, but it’s yours.” My hands shook, holding his t-shirt between my fingers. Hopefully he didn’t notice.

He leaned over, his lips vibrating on my earlobe. “I think you’re just looking for an excuse to go to my room. You don’t need one.” His tongue traced my earlobe and my legs turned to jelly.

I couldn’t even form any words. Instead my bottom lip quivered and something that sounded like a whimper came from my lips. His breathy laugh fell on my ear. “I’ll take that as a yes.” He lifted his head, turning me toward the staircase.

Each step was like pushing through wet cement. I was really doing this. I was really about to take the stairs up to John’s bedroom. My phone vibrated in my purse and it stopped John in the middle of the stairwell. “Do you need to get that?”

Dammit. Who would be calling me right now? No one ever called me. I usually got a few texts from Monica and my mom and sister rarely called. It had to be some sort of telemarketer. “No, it’s cool.” I tugged on the soft fabric of his shirt and we continued up the stairs.

When we got to the second floor landing there was a couple making out, practically , but that was it for people. They didn’t even acknowledge us. If only my phone would do the same thing. It started vibrating again the moment we got to John’s door.

“Are you sure you don’t need to get that?” He tilted his head, his hand on the doorknob.

“No, no. It’s fine. It’s probably just some really persistent telemarketer.” A blocking telemarketer.

“That works for me then.”

He opened his bedroom door and turned on the light. It looked the same as it did the night of the party and had the same smell of stale liquor and sweaty socks. Maybe I should have invited him back to my place instead. The smell alone might have killed me, let alone trying to avoid the land mines of dirty clothes and food wrappers he had on the floor. I took another big gulp of my drink; maybe that would make the room smell better and give me the courage to actually go through with hooking up with the hot bad boy.

“Sorry, I should have cleaned up.” He let go of my waist and bent down, picking up stacks of clothes and tossing them into a pile to clear a path.

“No, seriously it’s fine.” I took another big gulp of my drink and inched down to sit on his futon.

“DON’T SIT THERE!” He yelled and I sprang up like my was on fire. I looked back down at the futon and didn’t see anything precious that I could have been sitting on or anything extremely gross.

He dropped the clothes in his hands and then ushered me toward his bed, motioning for me to sit. “You don’t want to know what’s gone on, on that futon. I think Short Stack may have even lost his ity there.”

I wrinkled my nose. Was that supposed to make me feel better that other people were using his futon for ***ual things? I wondered how many girls he had on there himself. Though, it did make me feel a little better that maybe he didn’t just think of me as some ***ual tryst. Then again, I also hoped that didn’t mean he didn’t want anything to do with touching me.

Surprisingly, his mattress was very soft, like it was memory foam or something and it molded around my body. His sheets and comforter felt like they had been recently washed and were silky smooth underneath my fingertips.

John threw another pile of clothes and fast food wrappers aside before he took my drink and put it on the night stand and then crouched down in front of me. “Sorry for yelling at you. I just thought you might want to sit somewhere more...comfortable.” His fingers ran down the length of my arm until he interlocked them with mine.

I moved my free hand up to his hat, turning the brim around to the back and locking my eyes with his. “No need to apologize.” The alcohol in my system was making me braver and my libido was turning into full overdrive.

He dipped his head down, leaning in closer until I felt the stubble of his chin on my cheek. know how to control myself around you. “A guy should always apologize, even if he’s done nothing wrong. But I’ve done a lot wrong. I shouldn’t have ignored you. I didn’t want this to be a one time thing because you’re too damn hard to stay away from.”

I giggled. Short Stack really made the drink strong. My nervousness already felt like it was melting away. “So are you. Hard to ignore I mean.”

“I’m glad you feel that way.” His breath tickled my jaw line before he ran his tongue along it. “But I’m sorry about your back.”

“What about my back?” I murmured, lost in the trance of where his tongue was going to go next.

He shoved my back against the mattress, pulling my arms above my head before he crawled on top of me, straddling my . “I’m sorry that it might be sore in the morning.”

John leaned over, crushing his lips against mine, not in an apology, but with an urgent fervor. His grip stayed on my wrists, keeping them above my head while his tongue teased mine. I closed my eyes and a soft moan escaped my lips. I wriggled my wrists, wanting to move them along the curves of his body pressed against me.

He moved his lips to my ear, whispering, “I’m sorry, Red, you’re not going to move those hands. Let John Boy do the work.”

His mouth trailed down my jawline, leaving feather light kisses in its wake, until his lips where at my neck. His tongue flicked against my skin, sending a shiver below my belly button. I bucked my up to meet his and could feel the bulge forming underneath his jeans. No more awkward moments this time. He wanted me just as bad as I wanted him.

But then of course my phone had to vibrate, loudly, from where my purse lay beside me. John popped his head up and I opened my eyes slowly. “Red, are you sure you don’t need to get that?”

I shook my head feverishly. “No, it’s fine.”

“Are you sure? It’s been ringing a lot.”

I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him closer. “I’m positive.”

An all out grin spread across his face and then quickly disappeared into my lips. He tasted like peppermint with a hint of alcohol. He either mouth washed before I got there or was just downing peppermint schnapps. Either way, I wasn’t complaining. His teeth nibbled at my bottom lip before he ran his tongue across it. Each tantalizing move made my body quiver. His lips teased mine, bringing me to the brink of eruption.

Then my phone vibrated again. Dammit. He released the kiss, pulling back like a suction cup. I opened my eyes to be met with his, staring widely at me. “I think you should probably get that.”

He released my wrists and I groaned, turning to the side and pulling my phone out of my purse where it fell beside me. I had quite a few missed calls from a number I didn’t recognize and the same one was calling again. I unlocked my phone and slid it up to my ear. “Hello?” I couldn’t hide the annoyance in my voice.

John sat up, moving his legs until he sat beside me. I slowly leaned up as well, resting my back against the headboard.

“Hello, is this Melanie Wilder?”

“Speaking.”

“This is Dr. Monroe, from Student Health Services. I’m sorry for the late call, but I’ve been trying to get in touch with you for awhile.”

Dr. Monroe? The one that did my exam? Why the hell would she be calling me after hours on a Wednesday?

“It’s all right. Um, did I forget something?”

“No.” Her voice held a tinge of sadness. “This isn’t a call I usually make, but we received your test results and there was some moderate dysplasia that I think we need to look further into.”

“Dysplasia?” I raised my eyebrows, staring down at John’s striped comforter.

“Yes. The lab found some cancerous cells on your cervix. HPV happens to a lot of women your age, and it’s usually mild, but we still think that you should get it checked out with a doctor here in Central. I’m going to send a recommendation to Dr. Rodriguez and you should be able to get an appointment with her this week.”

Cancer? Doctors? My throat seized and my mouth felt like it had completely dried up. “I-I-I Cancer?” I felt tears pricking my eyes, but they wouldn’t come. I wouldn’t let them. John’s hand was on mine as soon as the words escaped my mouth. His other arm was around me, rubbing his fingertips up and down my arm.

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“It may just be pre-cancerous, which means it would just be a simple procedure, but I still think you should see Dr. Rodriguez. She has a practice off of East Street. I’ll email all of her information to your student account.”

“Oh-o-okay.” My voice failed me. Everything came out as shaky as my body. I felt like I was going to crumble. The only thing keeping me up was John’s arms.

“Everything is going to be fine, Melanie. Dr. Rodriguez sees these types of things every day and she’ll take good care of you.”

“Okay.” I didn’t know what else to say. My heart was pounding so loud that I swore it beat out of my chest. People my age just didn’t get cancer. They didn’t get late night phone calls from too friendly doctors that said the news like they were reading their grocery lists. This couldn’t be real.

“Are you going to be all right?” Her voice sounded too cheery. Too nice for the words she was saying.

“Yes.”

“Okay, then. I’ll get this emailed out to you right away and make sure to call Dr. Rodriguez in the morning.”

“Okay.”

“Goodbye, Melanie.” Her voice stayed even. Like she didn’t just deliver a death sentence to a nineteen year old girl.

“Bye.”

The phone slipped from my fingertips and on to a pile of John’s clothes. Slowly I turned toward him and saw his blue eyes brimming with concern. “Are you okay?”

“I-I.I...” I felt a single tear fall down my cheek and then another. “I have cancer.”

The tears flowed freely as John let out a deep breath, pulling me to his chest and wrapping his arms tight around me. My tears soaked through his t-shirt and I couldn’t stop them. All my energy poured out of me and my breathing came out in short gasps. “Student health called and,” I hiccupped my words. “They want me to go to a specialist, but I don’t have a car to get there and I don’t know who this lady is.” I hiccupped. “And I don’t know what dysplasia is or how the hell I got it. I don’t know what to do.” I cried. I cried until it felt like I didn’t have any breath left in me. I wanted to cry the cancer out of my failing body.

John rubbed my back, kissing the top of my head. “I’m not going to lie to you and say that it’s going to be okay because that’s not what you want to hear.”

I sniffled into his chest.

“But I will say that I’m here for you and I’ll do whatever you need. Do you want me to call Monica to come get you?”

I shook my head, letting out another cry. “No! That’s the last thing I want. I don’t want anybody to know about this.” Including him. Including the guy I just wanted to screw and instead I was slobbering all over him.

“Okay.” He nodded into my hair. “Then I’ll be here for you. I have a car and I can take you to your appointment.”

I shook my head, pulling back to look at him. My running makeup was stinging my eyes and I could barely make out his face. “You don’t have to do that. I’m not a charity case. I’ll take the bus or something.”

John put his hand to my face, wiping away a few tears with his thumb. “I don’t think of you as a charity case. I want to do it. I’m here for you, Melanie.”

I let out a deep breath. “Okay. Just this one time. Then I’ll find my own way there.”

“Okay.” He nodded. His face stayed still as a statue, but his eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears themselves. John pulled me against his chest and hugged me, running his fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes, listening to the beat of his heart against my cheek. His beating, healthy heart.

I didn’t know what my next step was. I knew I would need to call my mom and sister and make the appointment. But in that moment I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think about anything, so I just fell asleep in John’s arms because that seemed to be the only thing left to do.

Chapter 7

I woke up in a fog. My mind was a jumbled mess from talking to the doctor and when I opened my eyes, there was a cloud of steam right in my face. That steam came in from an open door where John stood in nothing but a towel.

“Hey, you’re up. How are you feeling?” He took a few steps across the room until he was at the bed and sat down next to me. I tried to focus on his concerned face, but couldn’t help but notice that every time he walked, his towel peeked open, revealing the tiniest hint of his manscaping. I should have been turned on, especially when he smelled so good sitting next to me, but *** was the last thing on my mind. I was damaged goods and he knew it. Who would want a girl that had cancer? I was surprised he didn’t kick me out of his bed right then and there with some lame excuse.

I tried to fluff out my hair and wipe the probably caked on mascara under my eyes as I sat up. It was no use, though. I was a hot mess and knew it without even looking in the mirror. “I’m okay. Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to fall asleep or take over your bed in a blubbery mess.”

He put his hand on mine, his fingers warm as he ran them over my knuckles. But it didn’t send any sort of romantic chill over me like it did the night before and I didn’t think he meant it to. “Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. I think you actually handled it better than I would have.”

I let out a short laugh, even though it wasn’t funny. “Yeah, I’m sure you would have turned into a blubbering mess and fell asleep on someone you barely know.”

He stopped moving his fingers on my knuckles and instead traced the line of my jaw, forcing my eyes to connect with his. They were so blue that I could have gotten lost in them. And I would have loved to get lost anywhere at that moment. “I’d like to get to know you better. We may have just started to hang out, but that doesn’t mean I want it to end. You can’t get rid of me that easy.”

I let out a shaky sigh. His voice seemed genuine, but I still couldn’t help thinking he was just doing it because he felt sorry for me. The girl with cancer. Not the girl he wanted to hook up with. “Yeah. Right.”

His fingers continued running along my jaw. “I’m serious. Last night I saw a side of you that was completely different from the girl I’d been seeing in class for a week. The girl that always has her head buried in her notes and never misses a day of work even if she was up late the night before. It broke my heart to see you crumble. All I wanted to do was take the pain away. I wished I could have. I might not be able to, but I’ll do the best I can.”

“Why are you doing this, John? You don’t have to pretend like you care and take care of me. I’m a big girl and can handle myself.”

He leaned in, raising his eyebrows. “Okay. Then you need to call that doctor today so I can bring you over there before classes. I skipped the gym for you this morning, but I can’t do it every day.”

I widened my eyes. I didn’t think he was serious about taking me. I thought it was just a nice gesture. “Um. That’s fine. You don’t have to do that. My mom is only like an hour away and I can just wait until a day she can go with me.”

“Are you sure?”

I wasn’t. Ever since my parents divorced she was always working overtime and there was no way she would ever be able to take me to an appointment. I hadn’t even called her to let her know what was going on. Part of me was afraid to even mention it and the other part wasn’t sure if I would even be able to get in touch with her.

I looked down; the tears pricking my eyes again. I wasn’t sure about anything anymore. My life had been turned upside down in less than 24 hours.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” I whispered.

John moved over, sliding his arm around my shoulders and pulling me against his bare chest. I took a big sniff, inhaling the smell of soap and men’s body wash. I wasn’t going to cry and cover him with any more running makeup. “How about this. I’ll take you home and you work out what you need to and I’ll text you a little later?”

I nodded against him. “Sounds good.”

***

I excused myself to the bathroom while he got dressed. I wasn’t sure if he would drop trou in front of me, but I just needed a little room to breathe. And to see how horrible I looked in the mirror.

All of my makeup had gathered under my eyes, my hair was matted on one side, and I was as pale as a Chicago kid in the winter. Just like I suspected: a hot mess.

When I got back to the room he was dressed in a green hoodie with the letters ‘AM’ stitched on the front and a pair of gym shorts. He looked just as good dressed as he did standing in the towel. “You ready?” He twirled his keys around his finger.

“Yeah. I think so.” I’d managed to scrub the makeup off my face and now just looked like I was sick. Which I guess I was. Cancer. I was a cancer patient. I still couldn’t wrap my head around it. The doctor acted like it was nothing. But this wasn’t nothing. People died from the big ‘C’ word. How was I supposed to keep up with school work if I had to...

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I followed John down the stairs. A few guys camped out in the common room, their heads down, hair disheveled and faces buried in bowls of cereal. A few nodded in my direction, but most didn’t regard me. They probably thought I was another one of John’s conquests. I wished that’s what I was instead of the broken girl he had to take home after she collapsed on his bed.

Once we got to the parking lot, behind the house, John pressed his keys and a newer, silver Jeep beeped in front of us.

“I can walk home. It’s really no problem. I’m not that far.”

John grabbed my hand and pulled me to the passenger side of the car. “You can, but I can also drive you.” He opened the passenger side door, extended his arm out and ushered me inside.

I didn’t protest and closed my door as he ran around to the other side and hopped in the driver’s seat. Luckily the ride wasn’t too long and I didn’t have to make small talk. That is, until he got to my apartment building. He pulled to a stop at the front, put the car in park, and then looked over at me. “I want you to promise that you’ll call me after you get your appointment.”

“Yeah. I told you that I would.”

He put his fingers to my chin, lifting it up so I was forced to see the seriousness in his bright blue eyes. “I mean it. I want to know that you’re okay and take you to the appointment. If your mom isn’t going and you don’t want me to tell anyone then you have to keep me in the loop on this.”

“Why? John? Why do you care so much? I’m giving you your out. You don’t have to take me anywhere. You can just drop me off and we can pretend this flirtationship never happened.”

He let out a silent breath through his nose. “This may have started out as just flirting, but it got real the minute you cared more about the meaning behind my tattoos than just the body they were inked on.”

I shook my head. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Melanie, I’ll admit, I wanted nothing more than to you. I just wanted to take the put-together girl and give her a wild time in my bedroom. I wanted to watch you come undone and hopefully underneath me.”

“Real romantic.”

He put his hand on my leg, his expression growing serious. “Then I started to get to know you. It honestly scared me when we were at your apartment and you acted like you wanted more than to just have your way with me. That’s why I left.”

“So you did just want me for ***?” I raised my eyebrows.

“Yes and no. I thought maybe there could be something more, but I couldn’t deny that I still wanted you in the dirtiest ways.” He ran his thumb along the seam of my jeans. “Then I watched you crumble. I never expected you to get that call from the doctor and watching you break made me see a whole other side of you. I want to be your knight in shining armor. To take away the pain. I’ve never felt like this before and whatever we have, I don’t want to lose it. I don’t care if it’s just starting and may be the most ed up thing. I just want to give it a try. So please call me?”

I let out a deep breath, but my shoulders still stayed tense. “Fine. I will.”

“Good.” He leaned over the seat and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. “I’ll talk to you later then.”

“Later.” I opened the door and walked like a zombie to my apartment.

***

The clock on my stove said it was 8:30. My mom was at work, but I needed to let her know. If nothing else she should know what kind of bills would appear on her insurance.

I plopped on the couch and pulled out my cell phone, scrolling through my contacts until I got her number. Like I suspected, it went to voicemail.

“Hey, mom, no big deal or anything, but I went to Student Health Services the other day to get an exam and they called to tell me they found cancer cells on my cervix. Looks like I might have cancer. I’m supposed to make an appointment with a doctor in town to follow up, so heh, might get some bills for it. Okay. Bye,” I blurted it all out like word vomit and then hung up, letting the phone fall on the couch beside me.

I couldn’t cry. All my tears already fell on John’s bed. I sat there counting each breath I took. Tons of people had survived cancer. They had walks and stuff for it. It wasn’t a death sentence. But it wasn’t something that happened to nineteen-year-old girls while they were hooking up with guys either. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. And I was going to have to because my mom was calling back.

I picked up the phone and slid it up to my ear. “Hey, mom.”

“What the hell kind of message is that to leave on my voicemail?” she hissed.

“Thanks for being so supportive,” I said with added sarcasm.

She took a deep breath, crackling into the phone. “I’m sorry, baby. I just didn’t expect that to be the voicemail I got. Did you really say cancer?”

I bit my lip, trying not to whimper. “Yeah, Student Health Services called it moderate dysplasia and want me to see a doctor in town.”

“When? Where? What do you need me to do?”

I sighed. “I haven’t called the doctor’s office yet. A friend offered to take me to the appointment if you can’t come in.”

“I’ve exhausted my vacation days, but let me know when the appointment is and I can see what I can do. Do you want me to come now? I’m sure I can explain the situation to my boss and he’ll let me go.”

“No, mom, it’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’ll let you know when I get the doctor’s appointment and we can go from there.”

My mom hadn’t been at her job very long and the divorce drained a lot of her money. I couldn’t let her risk losing her job or her overtime pay.

“Okay, baby. I need to go back to work, but call me if you need anything.”

“Okay, mom. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Bye.”

I hung up the phone, letting out a deep breath. Before I could even set it down a text popped up from John.

Make the appointment yet?

I wasn’t expecting to hear from him that quick. It was still hard to process that he wanted to take me. He said he wanted to see where our relationship went. It could have been some sort of guilt, but then I didn’t know why he would have admitted that he just wanted me for *** in the first place and now was thinking about more.

Not yet. Will let you know when I do.

I went over to my desk, opening up my email. Buried beneath some junk mail was the one from Student Health Services. It seemed so clear-cut the way it was written. Like this wasn’t a big deal, just another diagnosis.

Student Name: Melanie Wilder

Prognosis: Moderate dysplasia

Recommendation: Referral to Dr. Michelle Rodriguez 1010 Franklin Central, IL 309-555-7272

There was her number. Ready for me to call and get it over with. I sucked in a breath, staring at my phone. It was just a phone call. It would take a few minutes and be over, but my fingers froze over the buttons. Making the phone call made it real. Made me have to face the facts.

Yet I couldn’t put it off, so I sucked it up and dialed.

“Obstetrics and Gynecology, press one for the nurse. Press two to schedule or cancel an appointment,” a recorded message droned and I quickly pressed two.

Some jazzy hold music played for a few seconds before an overly cheery woman answered.

“Obstetrics and Gynecology, can you hold, please?”

“Um, sure.”

“Thanks.”

The jazzy hold music played again. This time for a lot longer. It was only a few minutes, but it felt like hours. Just when I was about to hang up the cheery voice answered again.

“Sorry about the wait, how can I help you?”

“Um, my name is Melanie Wilder and Student Health Services referred me to Dr. Rodriguez about moderate dysplasia, so I need to make an appointment.”

I couldn’t say cancer. If I said it out loud I might have started whimpering on the phone. So instead I used the cold word that the doctor had used at Student Health Services.

“Okay. Let me look at her calendar. It looks like we just had a cancellation and can get you in at 12:30 on Friday afternoon. Will that work?” She spoke as if it were no big deal. Like everyone just wanted to talk to someone about cancer every day.

“12:30 will work great.”

“Okay, just bring your updated insurance card and come a bit earlier so we can have you fill out some new patient info. Have a great day.”

A great day? In the past twenty four hours I was told that I had cancer and slobbery cried all over the guy I just wanted to hook up with before he had to drive me home the next morning. There was nothing great about my day. Or my life.

Chapter 8

I texted John about the appointment. I seriously didn’t expect him to show up at my apartment on Friday. And especially not at ten in the morning when my appointment wasn’t until 12:30.

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My eyes practically bugged out of their sockets as I stared at John’s eyed grin. He looked gorgeous as always in a tight-fitting Alpha Mu t-shirt, jeans, and a black White Socks cap. “Morning, Red. Good to see you haven’t been losing sleep.”

I was still in my pajamas. I wished I would have known he was coming so I would have put on a better pair than my old high school band shirt and shorts.

“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be sleeping or have class or something?”

He sauntered in my living room, closing the door behind him like it was something he did every day. He plopped a McDonalds bag on my coffee table and handed me a foam cup. “I don’t have classes on Friday and I thought you’d like some breakfast.”

He sat on the couch, rummaging through the bag until he pulled out a wrapped sandwich and a hash brown.

“You don’t have to do this.” I stared at him. Thinking this couldn’t be real. This hot guy was not sitting on my couch and eating McDonalds like it was just a normal day. He felt sorry for me and for some reason thought taking me to appointments and bringing me greasy breakfast was the cure all.

“Do what? Eat breakfast with you? Sure I do. I didn’t buy two breakfast sandwiches for nothing.” He twisted his baseball cap backwards on his head and looked up at me, flashing a brilliant white smile.

I shook my head. “I mean you don’t have to do any of this. I can seriously take the bus to my appointment or maybe even borrow Monica’s car or something.”

I still hadn’t told Monica what was going on. I wanted to. It was just something hard to blurt out. I didn’t know the best way to approach it. The only reason John knew was because he was at the mercy of my emotional breakdown.

He unwrapped one of the sandwiches, pausing with it just inches from his lips. “I’m serious that I can take you. Now eat some breakfast.” He took a big bite of the sandwich and motioned his free hand toward the bag.

I sat on the floor, opposite him with the coffee table in between us. “Do you do this with all the girls you hook up with? Bring them breakfast?”

He swallowed, setting the sandwich down with a big sigh. He moved his baseball cap forward and then backwards again. “Look, Red, you may think I’m doing all this because I have some sort of guilty conscience that you got the call while you were at my house. While that was definitely unexpected, I would have done all this anyway. I like you. You’re a cool girl and I want to be here for you.”

I grabbed the sandwich out of the bag and put it on the table in front of me. “I guess if you’re going to all this trouble, I should at least try and be nice to you.”

“I may be a pain in the , but at least I come with food.”

I swallowed hard. There was something about his no-nonsense attitude that took the words right out of me. “That you do.”

***

After breakfast I was able to get John to leave so I could at least shower and be half way presentable. Even though he had seen me at my worst, I couldn’t just go around the rest of the day in my pajamas and no makeup. I didn’t know what the exact protocol on what to wear to a doctor’s appointment was, especially a lady doctor to talk about cancer, so I just went for comfort and hopefully not to freeze my off since it was dipping into the low 30’s.

Dr. Rodriguez’ office was attached to one of the local hospitals near campus. I could have walked there if I really wanted to, but it was nice to have John drive me since my nerves were starting to get the best of me. Just looking at the looming hospital building made my palms sweat and my knees shake.

John pulled his Jeep through the narrow parking garage until he found a spot, turned off the car, and faced me. I kept my eyes ahead, looking out the windshield at the cars parked on the other side of the garage.

“It’s going to be okay, Red.” He put his hand on mine, running his thumb along the bridge of my knuckles. “These doctors know what they’re doing.”

I sucked in a deep breath through my teeth. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.” I slowly turned in his direction. He wasn’t smiling and he wasn’t frowning, but even in the dim light of the parking garage, his eyes shined like the Northern Lights.

“Of course I’m right. Now let’s get this **** over with so we can do something better than hang around a doctor’s office.” John unlocked both our doors and hopped out.

Before I could even unbuckle my seat belt, he had the passenger side door open and was staring at me. He was really getting into the whole ‘knight in shining armor’ thing. “You coming or what? I could take your place, but I’m sure the doctor would have a lot of questions.”

I rolled my eyes, unbuckled my seat belt, and hopped out of the car. How he could be so upbeat about all of this was beyond me. I guess since he wasn’t the one that got the call about having cancer. He didn’t have anything to worry about.

He shut the door behind me and put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close to his warm body. He smelled like he was fresh out of the shower and almost made me forget that I was going to the doctor. Almost.

We walked through a long tunnel that connected the parking garage to the larger hospital and stretched over the street below. People drove their cars underneath it and went about their daily business as usual while I felt like I was taking the longest walk of my life even though Dr.Rodriguez’ door was right at the end.

I stared at the large brown door with a few different doctors’ names written next to it. Behind each of their names were a bunch of letters, and I had no idea what they meant, but hopefully that meant more degrees or that they knew what the hell they were doing.

John finally opened the door for me and I walked in with him close behind. The office didn’t look like the sterile, fluorescent doctor’s office that I was used to. The walls were painted a dark green color with a few sections of maroon stripes running through it. All the furniture was a maroon color, with some real couches facing a TV and a set of bookshelves filled with children’s’ books. On the walls were pictures of pregnant women and some of newborn children all styled like they were oil paintings in gold frames. I might have thought I was in the wrong place if it wasn’t for the table full of pamphlets about menopause and all of the pregnant women sitting around and reading Parents magazine. A few women looked up as we entered. They probably thought I was pregnant with John’s love child and were examining my finger for a ring. If only that were the case.

I slowly took the last few steps until I was at a glass window. A bubbly blonde in a pair of black scrubs sat behind it, staring at a computer. She slid the window open once her bright green eyes flitted to mine. “Hi, how can I help you?” Her voice was sugary sweet, like she hadn’t been dealing with hormonal women all day.

“Hi, I’m Melanie Wilder and I have a 12:30 appointment with Dr. Rodriguez.”

She looked at the computer screen, typing a few keys, before she nodded and picked up a tablet with a big orange case and stylus pen dangling off the side of it by a short string. “Okay Melanie.” She handed me the tablet. “I have you all set. We need you to fill out your information on here and bring it up to the desk when you’re done. If you don’t get it finished before you get called back then you can just hand it to the nurse.”

“Okay, thanks.” I nodded before she closed the window.

John was staring at a magazine rack on the wall. “You’d think they’d have a Sports Illustrated or something.”

“John. This is an OB. It’s mostly women.”

“Dudes come with their women to the OB. Obviously. I’m here with you.”

He followed me to one of the couches where we sat across from a very pregnant woman thumbing through some tabloid magazine. She was pretending not to listen, but her eyes flitted to us instead of the page.

“John,” I whispered. “Do you realize that when you say things like that, people might think we’re here for a different reason?”

“What? Like that you’re carrying my love child?” he said, loud enough that the lady across from us didn’t even pretend that she wasn’t staring.

“John!” I hiss-whispered.

He grinned, putting his baseball cap backwards. “I’m just giving you ****, Red. I have to do something to see that gorgeous smile make an appearance.”

I looked at the tablet in my hands, feeling like my face was about one hundred degrees. The guy had a way of making me blush, even when we were sitting in the middle of the doctor’s office.

He quickly pulled out his phone and was busy tapping on that while I filled out the extremely long health care history form. I didn’t even known the health history of my dad’s family and I wasn’t about to call that train wreck up, so I just guessed on most of it.

A door directly to my left opened. A short nurse in black scrubs stood with her dark hair in a loose ponytail. “Melanie Wilder?”

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I stood up a little too quickly, practically jumping. “That’s me.”

“Great. Follow me.” She smiled and swapped her folder from one hand to the other.

“Do you want me to come with?”

I looked over to John. His eyes were wide and I couldn’t read what was behind them. If he actually wanted to come or if he was just being nice.

“If you want your husband to come back with you, that’s fine.” The nurse said, the smile still plastered on her face.

“Oh no he’s not—”

John stopped me before I could finish my sentence. “It’s cool. I’ll wait out here. Let me know how it goes.” He took my hand and squeezed it gently.

I swallowed hard and felt like every girl in the room was staring at me. Which they probably were and wondering how I got to go in ahead of them. I gently squeezed John’s hand back before I followed the nurse into the next room where she shut the door behind us. It wasn’t as much of a room, but more of a corridor. Directly in front of us was a big nurse’s station in which different scrub-clad women sat behind computers. To my left was a scale that sat opposite a bathroom and in front of me was a long hallway, painted the same green as the waiting area with more pictures of pregnant women, and tons of open doors in each direction.

“I can take that tablet from you, if you’re done,” the nurse said and I handed her the orange, clunky tablet.

“If you could just step on the scale here. I’ll get your height and weight and then we’ll go to a room,” the nurse said in an uber perky voice. Why was everyone so cheerful? They were in a place that stared at lady bits all day. No way would I be that happy.

After stepping on the scale and getting measured, (heavier than I thought and shorter, not a great combo) I followed the nurse into one of the many open doors. The walls were maroon and an exam table sat in the middle with a small chair, some magazines, oh yeah—and a nice little replica of a woman’s vagina sat on a shelf directly in front of me. How was I supposed to concentrate on anything when I had a vagina staring at me?

“Okay.” The nurse closed the door and sat on a wheeled stool. I pried my eyes away from the shelf and took a seat on the exam table. “It looks like you’re here with a referral from Central’s Student Health Services because of moderate dysplasia they found on a pap smear?” She didn’t even look up from the folder she was reading.

I shrugged. “That’s what they tell me.”

She closed the folder and looked at me, hard. Her eyes were like two giant brown marbles. “Did the doctor from Student Health Services explain what that means?”

“Um, she just kind of told me that they were cancerous cells and to come see Dr. Rodriguez.”

The nurse gave me a tight-lipped smile. “Well, good to see they educated you on that.” She then pulled a pamphlet out from the rack behind her and handed it to me. It was magenta colored with four different stock photos of women of different ages and races and in big text it read, ‘The link between Cervical Cancer and HPV’.

“Ohhh kay.”

“That should give you some more information about HPV and I’m sure that Dr. Rodriguez will discuss more about it with you. It happens to a lot of women your age. I’m not sure the exact statistic, but I’ve seen so many girls walk in here with the same thing. Most of them do only have mild dysplasia, but I’m sure that Dr. Rodriguez will be able to discuss a plan with you and help you with the next steps.”

I didn’t even look at the nurse as she talked. Instead my eyes flitted to the definition of HPV that was staring at me from the first page of the pamphlet. Human Papilomavirus is the most common ***ually transmitted infection. There are more than 40 different strains that specifically affect the genital area, some linked to genital warts and some to cancer of the cervix.

“Do I have an STD?” I asked, my mouth agape, staring at the sheet.

The nurse sighed and I finally looked up at her. “Yes and no. That seems to be the one thing that people point to. It is ***ually transmitted, but it doesn’t mean that it will transmit to your partner if that’s what you’re wondering. You can’t pass cervical cancer to him and men don’t get the same symptoms as women, usually.”

I snorted. “That guy in the lobby isn’t my partner He’s just a friend.” A friend that is going to be very happy he didn’t have *** with me since I have a disease.

“Well he must be a very good friend to take you to this appointment.”

“I guess.”

She then went through asking me a few questions like if I’d ever been pregnant, if I was a smoker, and my last period. All standard stuff I guessed at or responded no. For having a ***ually transmitted infection, I sure was boring in the *** department.

The nurse opened a drawer behind her and pulled out a flimsy gown and handed it to me. It smelled like stale water and the metallic drawer it came out of. “You can keep your bra on, but please take off your shirt, pants, and underwear.”

“Uh, all right.” This was the second time that a woman I’d just met was about to see my lady parts. Both of them had gotten farther than I had with a guy in almost a year. Which didn’t make much sense since I was the one with the disease.

She offered me another tight-lipped smile and picked up the folder and tablet before she stood up and went to the door. “I’ll let Dr. Rodriguez know that you’re here.”

“Okay.”

***

I undressed quickly, hoping no one would walk in, and then sat back on the exam table, waiting for what seemed like forever. I leafed through some older magazines that sat on the shelf and tried not to stare at the giant vagina model. I had no idea what time it was, so when I finally pulled out my phone I had quite a few missed messages from John.

Hey, Red, just sitting out here and being ogled by preggo ladies. How are you doing in there?

Red? You haven’t been eaten alive have you?

Okay, hopefully you haven’t been killed by one of those creepy instruments and you’ll text me back soon.

I smiled, reading through the texts. Maybe he actually did care. Or maybe he was just creeped out from sitting in the lobby at an OB.

Just waiting on the doctor. Should be out soon.

As I finished the text a knock came at the door and without me answering a short, middle-aged Latina woman with her hair pulled back in a tight bun came in. “Hello, Melanie, I’m Dr. Rodriguez.” Her accent was thicker than her chunky sweater that she wore under her white lab coat.

“Hi, Dr. Rodriguez.”

“You were sent from Student Health Services regarding some dysplasia I see.”

“Yep.” The same thing that I just told the nurse. Did they not share notes?

She sat on the wheeled stool. “Did the nurse explain what we are going to do today?”

“Um, no, ma’am. She just gave me some pamphlet on HPV and told me to drop trou.”

Dr. Rodriguez nodded. “Okay, let me explain. We’re going to do a procedure called a colposcopy. I’m going to put your legs in these stirrups and then examine your vulva. After that I’m going to put some acetic acid on your cervix. If any area turns white, I’ll be taking samples for biopsy.” She smiled and pulled a few instruments out of the drawer behind her. “Now, do you have any questions before we get started?”

I squeezed my eyes shut and then opened them again, willing the tears not to escape. This was a lot to take in. Acid. Biopsies. ***ually transmitted infections. I felt like I had just been hit by a truck and now was expected to learn to walk right after. “Is it going to hurt?” My voice came out shaky.

Dr. Rodriguez put her instruments on a small, metal table near the exam table. “It does burn a little, but I do numb the area before I begin. I’d recommend that you abstain from any ***ual activity for a few days after and you may bleed lightly.”

No way I was going to be with anyone anytime soon. I wouldn’t have been surprised if John had already left.

“Okay.”

***

Burning was an understatement and so was the so-called numbing cream. It felt like my lady bits were on fire. I nipped down on my lip, trying not to cry through the entire process, especially when she literally had to cut parts of my cervix for biopsy. By the time it was over I had giant, crescent moon shaped indents in my palms from holding my fists so tight.

I laid back, pretending I was somewhere else until there was a small amount of pressure and then the instruments were out of me. Dr. Rodriguez reached for my hand and helped me to a sitting position. “Okay, Melanie, I’m going to send these samples to the lab and we should have the results back early next week. If you could make an appointment to see me as early as Wednesday, we can discuss the results.”

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I nodded, my throat feeling like I lost all moisture.

“Do you have any other questions?”

I had a million, but it felt like my voice was caught in my throat, so I just shook my head. Too much emotion for one day.

She patted my knee and stood. “Everything will be fine, Melanie. I’ll see you next week.”

Chapter 9

At the checkout desk I made an appointment for the following Wednesday. I didn’t even think how I would get there, my mind was on auto pilot and I was trying not to walk like a cowboy, still feeling worse than when I lost my ity.

When I opened the door to the waiting room John jumped out of his seat. “You’re alive!”

A few ladies shot him some evil looks and I ushered him out the door to keep him from saying anything else.

“So? How’d it go? What’d they say? What’s our next step?”

I stopped in the middle of the tunnel and turned to face John. His eyes were wide and he blinked slowly. “Well?”

I let out a deep breath that I didn’t know I was holding in and let my shoulders slump. “She did this thing called a colposcopy.”

“Up your butt?”

An elderly couple glared at John as they walked by us.

I shook my head. Too emotionally drained to even think about rolling my eyes. “No, that’s a colonoscopy. This was a thing in which she took samples of my cervix and sent them to the lab to be looked at. I made an appointment for next Wednesday to discuss the results.”

“Wednesday? Next week?” He rubbed the back of his neck.

“Yeah. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

He took a step closer until we were toe-to-toe. “Next week is Hell week for the pledges before initiation. We have a lot of **** going on at the house and you know I have a little brother this year.”

“Oh, it’s fine. I totally understand.” I stared at the dated carpet at my feet. Of course he had other plans. I couldn’t expect him to be my knight in shining armor forever.

He cupped my chin in his hand and forced my eyes to meet his. “But I’m pretty sure I can swing a trip out. Especially for you.” He then kissed my forehead and released my chin before taking my hand and interlacing our fingers. ”Now let’s go back to your place and bake sit and watch Harry Potter.”

“Are you serious?” I raised an eyebrow.

He pulled me forward and I walked with him, hand in hand, through the tunnel to the parking garage.

“Serious as Hell, Red. You’ve been through enough **** today and nothing makes a day better than baked goods and Harry Potter.”

***

John stood over my oven, stirring a melting pot of chocolate. “You have to get it just the right temperature or the whole thing is ruined.”

“Where did you even learn to cook?” I asked, my mouth practically watering over his creation: a caramel cookie dough cheesecake with chocolate topping.

A smile crossed his full lips and made the urge to kiss him even greater. “My dad was actually a Sous chef, and then he moved to Illinois for my mom’s work and ended up getting a union job instead of doing the chef thing. He still loved to cook so instead of doing it as a job he just taught me and my brother and sister the tricks of the trade.”

He stopped stirring and turned off the burner before he lifted the pot and slowly poured it over the cheesecake.

“You have to be one of the most interesting people that I’ve ever met. Why doesn’t everyone see this side of you?” I tried to resist dipping my finger in the hot chocolate.

He furrowed his brow. “What do you mean? That I don’t tell the world I’m a computer programming chef and they just think I’m some dumbass frat boy?”

“I-I-I didn’t say I thought you were that.”

He shook his head, dishing the last of the chocolate onto the cheesecake. “Yeah, but I know you thought it the minute you saw me and that’s why I wanted to prove you wrong. Call me crazy, Red, but I didn’t want you to think that of me.”

John set the pan down and then locked his eyes on mine. “The moment I saw you at the party, I don’t know, something clicked. I’d seen you before at the coffee shop and you always seemed too busy to even notice me as more than a customer. Then I found you out of your element at the Halloween party and had to take my chance. I had to get to know the girl that makes my coffee and takes notes by hand.”

He took my palm and brushed his lips against it. “Now come on. Let’s get the first Harry Potter started while this cools down.”

***

Two pieces of cheesecake and three Harry Potter movies later, I was a slug passed out on my couch. I didn’t even realize that I fell asleep until John moved beneath me. His arm draped over the back of the couch and his feet were propped up on the coffee table. He stretched his arms over his head and let out a big groan, his muscles popping as he moved.

“Sorry for passing out on you. Been a long day. What time is it?” I asked, yawning and glancing at the clock over the stove. “Wow, it’s already ten. Do you need to be somewhere?”

“Nowhere but here and don’t worry about falling asleep. You’ve kind of had a lot going on.” He pulled my feet onto his lap, cradling my heel in his hands and massaging it. A soaring ream of pleasure sailed all the way from the corners of my feet and up to my lips, a low moan escaping them.

“You like that?”

I bit my bottom lip, embarrassed at my reaction, but didn’t want him to stop. I was afraid to say anything for fear that I’d just moan again.

John grinned, his fingers working their magic on my heels and then up to my toes, kneading in between each one. I’d never been much of a foot person or thought that one could get turned on by a foot massage, but oh my God did his hands feel good. I closed my eyes and sank deeper into the couch, trying not to collapse into a pile of goo all over him. No matter where his hands touched it had a direct line between my legs.

“Do you want to get that?” John stopped his rubbing.

“What?” My eyes popped open and John motioned to the coffee table.

I didn’t even hear my phone and when I looked over, my sister’s big, blonde face smiled back at me. My mom must have told her what was going on. I really should have called her. ****.

“Yeah. I guess I should.” I slid my feet down to the ground and unlocked my phone, sliding it to my ear. “Hey,Val.”

“My baby sister has to go to the doctor for cancer and I have to find out from our eccentric mother? Way to break it to a girl.”

My sister and I didn’t talk too much on the phone. We texted each other a few times a week, but only about which celebrity was sleeping with who. Valerie moved to Chicago after she graduated college to live out her fantasy of being the curvy Carrie Bradshaw. That was around the same time as Mom and Dad’s divorce so she left me at home with Mom for the summer while she went off on shopping sprees on Michigan Ave or whatever else she did for her PR job.

“Sorry, dude, I should have texted you.” I glanced up and saw John staring at me with his eyebrows raised. “My sister,” I mouthed. He nodded.

“Well, how do you think I feel when mom calls me crying that her baby is going to the doctor for cancer? It’s crazy! Are you okay, though? Are you going to have chemo? Is it cancer? Do I need to rally and wear pink?”

“No. I went to Student Health Services for an exam and they found cancer cells on my cervix. The doctor said that it happens to a lot of women. They did a biopsy today and I go back on Wednesday to talk to her about the results.”

The fewer words the better. The reason I usually texted Valerie was because she liked to hear herself talk, a lot. I didn’t want John to sit and listen to me talk to my loud-mouthed sister.

“You’d better call me when you get them. I don’t want to have to hear it from Mom and whatever way she finds to overdramatize it.” She let out a crackling breath that was like static on the phone. “But seriously are you okay, do you need me to come in town this weekend?”

“No, it’s fine. I have a friend over now and he was able to take me to the doctor and hang out with me while I complain about everything.”

“He? A boy, Melanie?”

****. I shouldn’t have said anything about him.

“Um, yeah, my friend John.”

I guess he was considered a friend. I didn’t really know what else to call him. I glanced in his direction and saw that his eyes may have been facing the TV, but the smile on his face told me that he was listening to the conversation.

“Girls aren’t just friends with boys unless they’re gay. At least us Wilder girls aren’t. Do you have a new boyfriend that you’ve been keeping from me as well? Oh my God! I don’t get a text in a few days and now you have lady part cancer and a boyfriend!”

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“Valerie! He’s not my boyfriend!” I screeched and then realized that John did hear everything and his eyes shifted from the TV to me.

“Sorry,” I mouthed to him again.

“Want me to talk to her?” His voice was low and sultry.

“Was that him talking? Oh God he sounds hot. Is he hot?” Valerie asked.

I rolled my eyes and pushed the phone receiver away from my mouth. “John, my sister wants to know if you’re hot, and no you may not talk to her.”

Before I could move or protest, John grabbed the phone from my hand and stood, putting the phone to his ear. “Hey, Valerie.”

“John!” I squealed and jumped up, but he had a lot of height on me and was quicker, turning the other way so that I couldn’t grab the phone.

“Yeah, really? That’s funny. I’ll have to let her know.” He glanced back at me, but ducked out of the way as I lunged for the phone again.

I couldn’t hear what Valerie was saying, but I could hear her giggle loud and clear through the phone. Just what I needed. Then my mom would know about him and whatever he was and I didn’t want to deal with all of that. I had enough explaining to do with the cancer stuff. I didn’t want to explain whatever my weird relationship was with the hottest guy I’d ever seen.

“Okay, Val, I’ll have Melanie call you back tomorrow. Bye.” He hung up the phone and tossed it on the couch and turned back to me.

“Why did you do that?”

He shrugged but had a mischievous grin on his lips. “You said she wanted to know if I was hot, so I thought I should talk to her.”

“You are seriously in so much trouble.”

“Yeah?” He took a step closer, wrapping his arms around my waist. “And what are you going to do about it? Nag me to death?”

I gasped. “I’m not a nagger! Am I? Please don’t tell me that I am.”

He kissed my forehead. “You worry too much about what everyone else thinks of you.”

I wrinkled my nose. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

John let go of my waist and took a step back. “It means that I like you for you and you should like you for you. And that I need to get going before I wear out my welcome and you’re sick of me.”

I blinked, not sure what to think of what he said. He liked me? Like like? I know he kind of insinuated in the car, but I thought he was just being nice. Now I really felt my face flush. “You don’t have to leave.”

“I wish I didn’t have to, but I do. So instead I’m just going to see you tomorrow when you come by the house for the stoplight party.”

“Stoplight party?” This guy knew how to change the subject and keep me guessing at everything he had to say.

“Yeah, it’s a theme where you wear red if you’re taken, yellow if it’s complicated, and green if you’re down to .”

“And what color will you be wearing?” I asked. God, what a stupid question. Could I make things any more awkward?

He grinned, blowing some air out of his nose like a silent laugh. “I usually wear black. Keeps them guessing.”

“Okay, then maybe I’ll show up tomorrow and maybe I’ll wear white. You know, to keep people guessing as well.”

He leaned over and placed a quick kiss on my cheek. I didn’t want quick. I didn’t want chaste. No matter how bad my lady bits still hurt and how broken my body felt, I was still a girl and I still wanted that feeling I had when he was giving me a massage.

“I hope you do, Red. I hope you do.”

Chapter 10

What to wear? What to wear? I stared at my closet, like magically the perfect outfit would pop out and hit me.

Ugh! Why did I say I’d wear white? I thought it would seem cool and mysterious, but really there was nothing cool and mysterious about me. John already knew more about me from the past few days than a lot of people. I also had two women see more of me than any guy had in a year. Yet I knew nothing about John or the doctors.

Sure, he may have told me that his dad was a chef and would give me hints of things, like his tattoos, but the hot guy was still as much of a mystery to me as ever.

Finally, after combing through my closet forever, I put on a plain white tank top, jean skirt, and some black leggings. It was too cold to wear just the skirt and I didn’t want to be one of those girls that crawled across campus half . I didn’t know how I didn’t hear of more girls getting hypothermia after the weekend, but to each their own.

By the time I arrived, the Alpha Mu house was in full party mode. Two guys were camped out at the front door, wearing green Alpha Mu shirts. A line of people waited to be let in as if it was some sort of exclusive club.

The November weather was getting worse and I pulled my coat tightly around me. The two girls in front of me were wearing short, sparkly green dresses and barely even shivering. Instead they bounced around, giggling. The blonde one turned toward me and I recognized her as Betsy, the hickey queen who worked at Brewster’s.

“Oh Em Gee, Melanie! What are you doing here? I didn’t think you partied at the Alpha Mu house.”

“Yeah. I mean, no. I don’t usually party here. A friend invited me.” I tried to keep my voice even, but the temperature had seriously dropped and I was trying not to shiver. What the Hell were those guys doing at the door that was taking so long?

“Ohhh a friend?” She batted her goopy eyelashes and then glanced at her friend before looking back at me. “Who is it? I know a lot of guys in the house.”

“It’s no one important.” I tried to remain calm and saw that we were almost to the door. It was probably a bad idea to come alone. I should have begged Monica to come with or someone from one of my classes. Or maybe just not come at all.

“I hope he doesn’t hear you say that if you are hoping to get some later.” She cackled. Yes. That’s what it sounded like. A witch cackle.

“Next!” The taller of the guys at the door called. Saved by the yell.

Betsy whipped around, her blonde hair pelting me in the face. “Gabey Wabey!” Her and her friend pranced over to the door and she threw her arms around the guy. He barely looked at her and didn’t even hug her back. Instead he looked directly at me.

Hey, brunette, do I know you?

Betsy jumped from the guy’s arms and looked back at me, ing one of her way-too-thin eyebrows. “Are you talking about Melanie? She’s my boss at Brewster’s. You’ve probably seen her in there when you’ve gotten your hangover donuts.”

I noticed the other guy at the door was checking Betsy’s friend’s ID. Weird. That must have been what the holdup was.

He shook his head, rubbing his goatee. No, that’s not it. He stopped rubbing and it was like a light bulb went off above his head. “You were here the other night with John Boy. I remember he drove you home the next morning.”

Betsy blinked, hard. You hooked up with John Boy and he gave you a ride home?

“It wasn’t exactly hooking up....”

“You little slut! You should have told me sooner! Betsy squealed.

“Hey, Blondie, quit yapping and just do the Alpha Mu shuffle so we can stop freezing our es off!” some guy yelled from the back of the line.

“The what?” I asked, eager to change the subject.

Betsy handed over her ID and then slightly lifted up the hem of her dress, spinning around in front of Gabe, who barely gave her a second look and kept his eyes on me as he spoke. “We check to make sure you have a student ID and then have you show your waistband so we can see that you aren’t trying to bring a gun or anything into the house.”

Oh, that makes sense. I pulled my student ID out of my pocket. It was attached to my Central College lanyard that also had my keys. It was actually a smart idea. No guns and that probably meant no undercover cops.

“Waistband?” he asked.

I shivered, reluctant to show any part of my body. Not just because it was freezing out, but I didn’t exactly have the flattest stomach in the world and for some reason it felt like if I showed it, that would somehow also show my damagedness. Like my cancer would just show on my body. It was stupid, I knew, but that’s how I felt.

“Oh-oh-okay.” I lifted up my coat ever so slightly so only the waistband of my skirt showed and not any other part of my body. Then I did a little spin.

“Okay, boss lady, you’re free to go.” Gabe ushered me inside behind the bubbly Betsy and her friend.

The common room was packed with people, shoulder-to-shoulder as music blared from some unknown source. The minute I entered the room the heat radiating off everyone surrounded me and I felt like I had to gasp for air. Most everyone was in green and using that as an excuse to grope the person next to them. I was glad I didn’t wear green. Even though I wasn’t sure what color I would have worn if I didn’t tell John I was wearing white. Were we together? Was I supposed to wear red? I guess I could have worn my yellow band shirt from high school that I embarrassingly still kept around even though it was stained beyond belief.

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I already lost Betsy in the sea of people, which was fine with me. I didn’t exactly want to hang out with her or have to answer any more questions about me and John. Questions that I didn’t have the answer to.

“Hey, Red!” I spun around, hoping to see John in the crowd, but instead it was his little brother, Short Stack. He had a big grin on his face and was wearing an oversized green tuxedo t-shirt and white baseball cap backwards over his curly mop of hair.

“Hey, Short Stack. Nice shirt.”

He laughed. “Yeah, it’s John Boy’s. I didn’t have anything green, so he said I could wear this.”

“Speaking of John, have you seen him? I just got here, but I don’t see him anywhere.” I tried to appear cool about it, but really I was afraid that I wouldn’t actually find him and would just get felt up by some random dude. Well, if he could feel me up over the giant coat that I was sweating in.

Short Stack put his hand on his chin as if he was deep in thought. “Not lately. Last time I saw him he was upstairs. I could take you up there to find him, if you want.”

“I think I can handle going up the stairs myself.” I went to turn away, but then Short Stack grabbed my arm.

“Actually, you can’t. Not without an Alpha Mu escort. The upstairs is off limits.”

I raised an eyebrow. “But I was up there the other night?”

“Yeah, but that wasn’t a real party, just a kick back. Besides, you were with John Boy. Now come on. I don’t have all day.” He pulled me forward and reluctantly I pushed through the crowd with him until we were at the stairs.

Another guy sat at the bottom of the staircase, with a coffee table blocking it. He didn’t smile when he saw us and kicked his combat boots up on the table, running a hand through his overly gelled hair. “Can I help you?”

Short Stack smiled. “Hey, Deuce, me and Melanie just want to go upstairs and look for John Boy, have you seen him?”

Deuce smirked. “You all planning on a threesome?”

Short Stack snorted. “No! Definitely not! Melanie is looking for him, so I thought I’d help her out.”

Deuce shook his head, moving the coffee table for us to get past. “Yeah, a lot of girls go looking for John Boy.”

I didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, but I tried to put it in the back of my mind and followed Short Stack up the stairs. The second floor was basically empty. A guy and a girl were in one corner whispering with his hands trailing everywhere on her body. I turned away, trying not to stare.

Short Stack turned and pounded on John’s door. “Hey John Boy! Open up!”

No answer.

He pounded again.

“Maybe he’s not in there,” I said, getting more uncomfortable the louder I heard the couple moaning behind me.

Short Stack put his ear up to the door. “No, he has to be. I hear music coming from inside.” He moved his head back and pounded his fist on the door. “If you don’t open up, I’m coming in.”

No answer, again.

“Looks like we’re going in, Red.”

Short Stack pushed open the door and I gasped when I saw what was inside. John was sitting on his desk chair, his legs spread open as a leggy brunette in a green dress moved her lithe body up and down between his legs, tossing her hair back and forth to the music. At first I thought they were going at it, then I saw that John’s clothes were still on and she was dancing. John was getting a freaking lap dance.

“What the hell, John Boy?” Short Stack yelled.

The girl didn’t even stop her grinding, but John pushed her to the side, peering over her to look at Short Stack. “Knock much?” Then his blue eyes widened when he saw me standing next to him. “Melanie?”

I could feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes. I had to get out of there. I turned and bolted for the door.

“Melanie, wait!” John yelled after me, but I couldn’t look back at him. I didn’t want to know what excuse he had. He never referred to me as his girlfriend or even his date, but I thought we had something. Maybe I was wrong.

I ran down the stairs and pushed past the coffee table, but got stuck by a group of girls waiting in line for the bathroom.

“Gawd, can you believe that coffee chick is going after John Boy?” One girl wearing a bright green halter top said to her friend.

“Yeah, I heard she stayed here the other night. Is she a charity case or something? I saw the way she was dressed. Maybe it’s part of their philanthropy,” the friend said and they both giggled.

That was it. Enough was enough. I cleared my throat and the two girls turned toward me, the smiles disappearing from their faces, replaced with looks of disgust. I wanted to say something. To set them straight, but instead I just pushed through them and made my way to the door.

The November night air was a welcome greeting and I took in a deep breath before I pulled my phone out of my pocket, typing in the first number I could think of.

“Hey Monica, are you busy?”

***

Monica had practically moved into Trey’s apartment, so I knew she would be there, even before she told me that’s where she was. It was a few blocks from the Alpha Mu house, but it felt like the longest walk of my life.

Monica and Trey lived in The Pines luxury apartments. They were supposed to be luxury, but I always saw peeling paint in their rooms and the hallways were cement that made it easier to hear loud, drunken people running down the halls. Which was what a guy was doing at that moment. Luckily he didn’t bother me and was too busy running and singing some random Madonna song. College. All the weirdoes came out.

I finally got to Trey’s door and only had to knock once before Monica answered, wearing an over sized t-shirt and a pair of shorts. “Melanie! What the hell happened?”

My eyes grazed over her outfit. “Am I interrupting something? I can come back.”

She shook her head and pulled me into the apartment, closing the door behind us. “No, me and Trey were just catching up on the DVR.”

I’d only been in Trey’s apartment once and it was the same layout as everyone else’s in the building, but his was professionally decorated. The old couch and chair were replaced by a plush, leather sofa on the back wall with a large picture of the Chicago skyline hanging over it. A matching love seat sat adjacent to it, and instead of the bulky big screen TV, a flat screen was mounted on the wall with small speakers on either side. Maroon curtains were drawn over the patio doors, and the room was lit by a few lamps on some dark wood end tables on each side of the couch.

I didn’t see Trey anywhere. I guessed he was probably in his bedroom, giving us some privacy or something.

Monica sat on the couch. “Okay, sit and spill. You don’t just call a girl at eleven o’clock and say you need someone to talk to without it being something big.”

I sat down, the leather sofa molding around my body like butter. It was way more comfortable than the thing Monica had to sit on in her apartment. Even more comfortable than my Craigslist couch. I should have gotten the name of Trey’s decorator.

“Okay, so I was stupid and went to a party at the Alpha Mu house, because John invited me.”

Monica rolled her eyes. “Ugh, the stoplight party?”

“Yeah. That one.”

She raised an eyebrow. And did he wear green?

“No.” I sighed. “He said he was going to wear black, so I made this stupid comment that I would wear white, but that’s not the point of the story.”

“Okay, sorry. I’ll stop interrupting.” She blinked hard and stared at me.

I glanced down at my fingers, unsure if I could actually look at her when I told her what happened. She warned me that he was a manwhore. I should have listened to her. Even when she said it was fine to date him, she probably didn’t mean it. She wasn’t being a bitch. She knew this would happen. “So, I went to the party, like I said and his little brother—“

“Short Stack?” Monica interrupted.

I looked up at her and she held up her hands. “Sorry, I know interrupting.”

“Yes. Short Stack. He took me upstairs to find John.” I let out a deep breath and recounted the rest of it very quickly, everything from hearing the music, to the brunette, and running out of the house with John yelling after me.

When I was done Monica stared at me with her eyes wide. “That little prick. I can’t believe he would do that to you.”

“Obviously some people didn’t believe he should be with me.”

Monica shook her head. “Look, what I said about you and him before, it was because I didn’t want you to get hurt. Not because I didn’t think you were good enough for him.”

“No, not you.” I picked at the skin under my fingernails for something to do with my hands. “Some girls at the party didn’t know I was there and were talking about me. Saying that they didn’t know what a guy like John was doing with me and making fun of the way I dress and such.”

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Monica furrowed her eyebrows. “Who were these girls?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Just some random party girls that were waiting in line for the bathroom.”

Monica put her hands on mine, stopping my fingers from moving. “Then why does it matter what they think? They’re nobody.”

She was right, of course. It shouldn’t matter what some random girls that I didn’t know thought of me. Yet I did care and I cared even more that some random girl was giving John a lap dance.

“It’s just...I thought we had something.”

Monica rubbed her arms up and down her legs. “Seriously, every time I’ve seen John Boy he has been with a different girl. He’s not the settling down type. You don’t need someone like that in your life if he’s just going to bring you down.”

“But I do need him.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Why? Why would you need a guy? Unless you went to Student Health Services and you already know that you’re carrying a little John Boy bun in your oven.”

I felt the tears prick my eyes. It was now or never that I had to be honest with Monica. “No, that’s the problem. I did go to Student Health Services to get an exam.” I looked her right in the eye, my vision blurring with tears. “They found cancer cells on my cervix. I was at John’s when I got the call.”

Monica gasped, putting her hands over her mouth. “Oh my God! I’m so sorry! When did you find out?” She put her hands down.

“Student Health Services called and told me on Wednesday. I had to go to a doctor here in town yesterday to get a biopsy done and John took me. Then afterwards we watched Harry Potter and he made me cheesecake.”

Monica shook her head. “I don’t know what part of that statement confuses me more. That he took you to the doctor or that he baked for you.”

I sniffled. “Yeah, that’s what confused me too. I thought we had something. But now I’m afraid he just did all of that because he felt sorry for me. Not because he wanted to be with me.”

“Come here.” Monica held out her arms and I let my body collapse into them. I was tired of crying, but I buried my head in her shoulder and hugged her back. I needed the comfort. I needed to finally let all of the feelings inside of me come to the surface.

Chapter 11

It felt good to finally tell Monica what was going on. She said that she would take me to my follow up appointment, so I wouldn’t have to walk there in the cold, November weather. Or beg John.

Since I wasn’t working until later the next day and I didn’t want to look through my texts or get online just to have John message me, I finally decided to look through the pamphlet that the nurse gave me.

“Human Papilomavirus,” I said out loud. The pamphlet was maroon with pictures of women of different ages and races, all smiling. Like it was something to be happy about. I flipped open the first page. “What is HPV, got that. How do people get it? Passed through ***. Anal, vaginal, oral, or any genital contact. Early on, cervical cancer may not cause signs and symptoms. A person can still have HPV even if it’s been years since they have ual contact.”

Huh. I’d only with exactly one person in my life and gotten past the rest of the bases a few times. Could I have gotten it from my high school boyfriend? He did cheat on me when he went to college, but I wondered if there were other girls. I didn’t think that would give me a disease. I didn’t always use condoms with Robby. Especially not with oral. I shuddered at the thought. I was so upset about John being a manwhore and I was the one with the disease. I felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world.

My phone was sitting next to me on the couch. There were a few missed text messages from Monica and one from John that I didn’t have the heart to open. But there was something else on my phone. Robby, my high school boyfriend’s, number was still in it. I didn’t know why I kept it. We broke up over a year ago. We weren’t even Facebook friends anymore. But for some reason, I felt the strongest urge to talk to him. Before I could chicken out, I dialed his number.

“Hey, this is Rob. What up?”

Rob? No one ever called him Rob. He had been Robby since kindergarten.

“Um, hey, ROBBY, this is Melanie. Melanie Wilder.”

“Mells Bells? Haven’t heard from you in awhile. What’s going on?” He said it casually as if it was just a normal day. Like the last time I saw him wasn’t when a pretty redhead was going down on him in his dorm room. Would I head down the same path if I stayed with John? Tears threatened my eyes as I thought about how mortified I was to see the guy I was with forever cheating on me. It felt just as bad to see John with another girl. Not saying I was in love with John, but it hurt to think someone was willing to give up his manwhorish ways, be there for me, and then he wasn’t.

“Nothing too big. You know, working, classes, cancer.” I said the whole thing as if it were nothing. Like I would just tell my former boyfriend about cancer any day. I didn’t know why it came out like that, but it did. Like word vomit.

“What the hell, Mel? Did you just say cancer?” His voice slightly squeaked, like it used to do when he was nervous.

“Yeah. Cervical Cancer. HPV to be exact. Have you heard of it?”

“Aw, **** you have AIDS? Who the hell did you get with after me?” His voice now took on an accusatory tone.

I groaned. “No, idiot. Not AIDS. It’s human papilomavirus. It’s a ***ually transmitted infection that can cause cancer in women. And I’ve only been with you. I’m wondering if you can actually say the same thing.”

He let out a nervous laugh. “I haven’t been with any dudes.”

“I’m serious, Robby. Look, I’m over you. I’m not worried who you’re with now. I just want to know, how many other girls were you with when you were supposed to be with me?”

“Geez, Mel, do we need to talk about this right now?”

“Yes, Robby or Rob or whatever the hell you want to be called now. We do need to talk about this. Just tell me the truth. For once.”

He sighed. I knew he was probably running his hands over his face like he used to always do whenever he had to get something off of his chest. “I don’t know. A few.”

“How many is a few?”

“I don’t know. There was the time you caught me. Um, some girl at orientation. Another girl I met in the laundry room. Oh, and that girl from my Physics class.”

“Okay, that’s enough. I don’t want to hear anymore.”

Turns out the guy got around more than I thought. The guy who I gave my heart to my sophomore year of high school and my ity in the back of his truck. Now that all ended with me going to see a doctor. This was not what I had in mind for my future or what I thought would happen because of his cheating.

“Well, you did ask.”

I groaned. “Yes. I know. I should have known that was the answer.”

“Hey.” His voice took on a tone of actual concern. “Are you all right? Like are you dying?”

“No, Robby, you don’t have to worry about that. As far as I know everything is okay. I go back to the doctor on Wednesday to get my results of a biopsy.”

“Let me know what happens, Mells, okay? We may not be together anymore, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”

Sure he still cared about me. Cared enough to cheat and not talk to me for over a year. But I wasn’t about to say that to him. I just wanted to get him off of the phone. This was starting to get all too familiar. First Robby, now John. Both guys who said they cared about me and both guys who let me down. “Okay, Robby. Talk to you later.”

“Later, Mells. Keep in touch.”

I hung up the phone and tossed it on the couch. I was half tempted to actually read my missed text message from John, but I didn’t want to feel worse than I already did. I felt completely broken. Like everything about my life was shattering into a million little pieces. The supposed love of my high school life had cheated on me multiple times and was probably the reason I had cancer. And the other guy, the one who I thought could be my future, was getting lap dances from random girls at parties.

Just as I was ready to get out the ice cream I had stashed in my freezer for my own pity party, a knock came at my door. I got up from the couch and walked to it, looking out the peep hole. Staring back at me was John’s smiling face. He had some nerve.

“What do you want?” I yelled.

“I came here to talk to you. You won’t answer my calls, texts, or messages, so I thought maybe showing up here would be the better option.”

“Are you sure you want to come in?” I smirked, even though I knew he couldn’t see it. “I may be giving a lap dance to some random guy.”

He groaned. “Come on, Red. Just let me in so I can explain.”

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“Why should I?”

“Because if you don’t, I’m going to sing Rhianna songs really loudly until your neighbors call the cops for a noise complaint.”

“You wouldn’t.” Would he? Would my neighbors call?

“I want you to stayyyyyyyyy,” he yelled in a very off key tone.

“I’m not impressed.”

But that didn’t stop him. He kept singing and surprisingly knew all of the words. By the time he got around to the chorus again, I threw the door open. Better to deal with him face-to-face than possibly have the cops show up.

“What do you want?” I stared at him, hard. I was furious, but of course I had to hold back my smile because he was looking pitiful and gorgeous. His mouth still open as he stopped singing. Instead of wearing a hat, his hair was gelled in choppy spikes and he was clean shaven. Like he went out of his way to look good for me. He looked mouth watering in a gray, fleece coat and faded jeans with his Pumas.

No. I couldn’t think about how good he looked. That’s how I fell for him in the first place. I just kept the scowl on my face.

“I came here to see you, and to apologize.” He walked in, even though I didn’t ask him to. I shut the door behind him anyway and stood with my hands folded across my chest.

I wished I would’ve dressed up. Maybe showed him what he was missing. Instead I was still in my pajamas and no makeup.

“Go on.”

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I didn’t know that you would just show up like that.”

“So that makes it okay that some random chick was giving you a lap dance in your bedroom?” I raised an eyebrow.

“No. No. I didn’t say that. It’s just, ugh.” He ran his hands down the length of his face and then shook his head. “I don’t know what to say, Red. I didn’t ask Missy to do that. I was in my room with a couple of the other guys and she just showed up. Then she turned on some music and started dancing. Before I knew it, the other guys left and it was just her grinding up on me.”

“Yeah, nice excuse, but that doesn’t mean you told her to stop.” I held up my hands. “Whatever. It’s not like we’re together or anything. I don’t even know what the hell we are.”

He plopped down on the couch. “Neither do I, Red. I don’t do relationships. I haven’t dated a girl since junior year of high school. Ever since then it’s just been random flings.”

“And is that what we are? A random fling? Or are we friends? Maybe I’m just part of your valiant knight fantasy and you want to save me? Please explain it to me, because I have no idea what the hell is going on.”

He looked up at me, his gaze meeting mine and I had to keep from getting weak in the knees. His smoldering stare got me every time. “What do you want us to be?”

I let out a deep breath and sat down next to him. “I don’t know, either. I don’t think with everything that’s going on I should be getting into something serious. I wasn’t expecting to get a call about cancer the night that I went to your place. I wasn’t expecting us to become friends or make out buddies or whatever this is. But it sort of just happened.”

“I didn’t expect any of this either. Somehow I knew that if I started something with you, there was no way I could stop. Not just because you’re my little brother’s girlfriend’s best friend.” He put his hand on mine and I let him keep it there.

I sighed. “So what are we, then? I’m not ready for anything serious right now with everything else that’s going on.” It was the truth. I couldn’t handle dating anyone when I always felt like my body was broken. The last serious boyfriend I had cheated on me and got me into this cancer mess. I didn’t want to head down the same path again with John. How could I trust that it wouldn’t happen with someone like him?

“Friends? At least for now?” He looked at me with pleading in his eyes.

“Friends.” I nodded. “That sounds good.”

He laced our fingers together. “You have no idea how happy this makes me that you just didn’t kick me out on my .”

I laughed. “I actually don’t think I could kick you out. You kind of have the body of an MMA fighter, so I’m sure you could take me.”

“I prefer professional wrestler.”

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, professional wrestler.”

He stood, letting go of my hand. “So does this mean that this professional wrestler should still be here Wednesday to take you to the doctor?”

“No, Monica’s taking me.” I stood up next to him.

“Monica? You finally told her?”

“Yeah. It was about time.”

A small smile crossed his lips. “That explains why Trey was so persistent on me talking to you. Not that I wouldn’t have anyway, but the dude can convince me to do anything that I’m on the fence about. He’s seriously a politician-in-training.”

“Yeah, he’s pretty convincing.” My shoulders fell. So this wasn’t all John’s doing. He had other influences.

John lifted my chin, forcing our eyes to meet. “Trey may have talked me into it, but I would have found a way to get you back. I sent those messages on my own. He was just the one that told me I should come here. He said face-to-face is better than any technology. And seeing your face does make it all worthwhile.”

I swallowed. Why did he have to say things like that? How was I supposed to just be friends with a guy that made me forget about cancer and feel whole again?

I stepped back. “Well, I’m glad we talked, but I really need to get ready for work.”

He dropped his hands and shoved them in his pockets, looking defeated. “Okay. I guess I’ll see you around then?”

“Yep. See you around.”

Chapter 12

I couldn’t concentrate on anything but the doctor’s appointment. The week moved in slow motion. I spent every minute that I wasn’t in class or working Googling cervical cancer treatments. I wondered what the doctor would have me do. I never really thought too much about my future with marriage and kids, but seeing that one of the treatments was a full removal of my uterus, cervix, and ovaries started to make me really think about it.

“Are you nervous?” Monica looked at me out of the corner of her eye as we pulled out of the parking garage of her apartment building.

“I think nervous is an understatement.” I let out a tense laugh.

“You’re braver than I could ever be.” She put her hand on mine. “I’m glad you finally were able to share this with me. That you’re letting me be here for you during this, just like you were there for me when I needed it the most.”

Monica was raped at her last college and that was why she transferred. Trey was the one who finally got her to report the guy, but I was the one who encouraged her to go back to counseling. She’d been going to group counseling for the past month and I think that, combined with meeting Trey, helped her to finally move on. I’d always be there for her and I shouldn’t have doubted that she would be there when I needed her the most.

“Thanks, Mon. It means a lot to me.” I squeezed her hand.

“You know John Boy talked to Trey. He said that he really wanted to be here with you today.”

I tilted my head. “Well, that’s fine for him to say that, but he doesn’t need to keep feeling sorry for me. I gave him his out. He should just take it and run.”

Monica sighed. “I think he does actually like you, Mel.”

“Then why the hell would he get a lap dance from another girl? Why didn’t he tell me that he wanted to be more than friends when he came to my apartment?” I spat each word like it was venom, harsher than I intended. I guess I had been keeping my thoughts bottled up for so long that they came out pretty badly.

Monica winced before she responded. “I don’t know. I don’t understand how boys think. If I knew that I’d be a millionaire. I just know that he wouldn’t just take any girl to a doctor’s appointment and you’re the first girl that Trey has seen John Boy actually have a friendship with. Not just bang.”

I huffed. “Yeah. Friendship. Because who would want the cancer girl.”

“Will you cut that **** out?”

I looked at Monica full-on. Her jaw was clenched and she gripped the steering wheel. I wasn’t expecting her to lose her cool, but she got my attention.

“You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Thinking that this makes you somehow less of a person. You’re still the same girl you always were. It’s not like your appearance suddenly changed and you look like a witch or a leper or something.”

“But what if I have changed? What if the cancer is so bad that I have to have chemotherapy? I’ll wear scarves on my head and need you to wheel me to class because I’ll be too tired to walk myself. And who the hell would want to have *** with the cancer girl? I’ll be alone forever.”