[English] The Only One

The Only One
The Only One Page 30



Valerie held up her hands. “Whoa, I’m not into a sisterly threesome.”

I gently punched her arm. “You’re so gross!”

“Oh come on! You’d be laughing if John said it and you know he would. Those fraternity boys can’t get enough of me in all my curvy glory. Because you know, I got so many guys in college.” Her words dripped with sarcasm. Valerie had an hourglass figure, but she definitely wasn’t fat by any means. And she definitely flaunted her curves.

“Oh please. Don’t pity party the pity partier. I will out pity you in a heartbeat!”

She clasped her hands together in a pose like a duck’s beak and made it talk. “Blah, blah feel sorry for me. I have a hot man who loves me and my cancer and is going to lick me like a lollipop when he gets here. Blah blah blah”

I put my hands in the same mocking position, flipping my hair back in the process. “Blah, blah, I have an awesome job in Chicago and no student loans. Poor me.”

Valerie put her hand down. “Touché. You win this round, pity partier.”

“I’ll let you win the next one.”

She shook her head. “Ahh, you’re a crazy little sister, but I love you.” She opened her arms and I gladly gave her a hug.

“I love you too, Val.”

She released me from the hug and then looked me in the eye, keeping her hands on my shoulders. “Keep in touch, okay? I’ll be back in a few weeks to get you for Christmas, but I don’t want that to be the only time we talk. Keep me in the loop. Even if you are just telling me how awesome John is.”

“I will, Val, I promise.”

“Good.” She nodded and squeezed my shoulder before she let go and grabbed her rolling suitcase. “I’ll talk to you soon, Mel. Bye.”

“Bye, Val.”

I walked her to the front door and then collapsed on my couch. As nice as it was to have Val and Mom helping out, it was great to finally have the apartment to myself.

I closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the wall. I thought maybe I could get a nap in or just veg, or maybe even get in some late Black Friday shopping, but then my phone vibrated next to me. I picked it up and saw John’s face smiling back at me. He was calling? Not a text? Confused, I slid my phone unlocked. “Hello?”

“Hey, Red. Are you busy?”

“No. Valerie just left a little bit ago. Do you need something?”

He let out a breath that made a crackling sound into the phone. “Yeah, actually. This is really awkward, but the water is out at the house and I thought I could just get there early and shower before I saw you, but I can’t. So, long story short, can I shower at your place?”

Shower at my place? My mind wandered, thinking about John’s body. How the water would drip off of his hair and down his abdominal line. I had to shake the thoughts out of my head because I didn’t want to make myself crazy without even touching the guy.

“Yeah, of course it’s fine after all you’ve done for me.”

“Cool. Sorry to put you out like this, but I promise to take you out to dinner to make up for it.”

“Dinner?” I blinked.

“Yeah. If I’m going to use you for your water, the least I can do is let you use me for food.”

“Okay. That works for me.”

Shower and dinner with John? Black Friday wasn’t looking so black.

***

It was less than ten minutes before John was knocking at my door. I’d lived most of the week in sweat pants with no makeup and even though he’d seen me like that, I still wanted to look a little bit decent. I slipped into a pair of jeans and a knit sweater before putting on a few coats of mascara and some lip gloss.

For not showering, John still looked amazing in a tight fitting henley and jeans. His hair was hidden under a White Sox hat as usual, but I was starting to think the hat was ***y, even if I couldn’t run my fingers through his hair.

“Hey, Red. You’re looking good. Are you feeling better?” He had that ***y lopsided smile on his face and it made me melt.

“Yeah. Feeling pretty good.” I stood to the side and let him walk in. He had a backpack slung over his shoulder and took short, methodical steps into my apartment.

“Good to hear.”

“Yep.” I nodded, trying to think of something to break up the awkwardness. I pointed at the open bathroom door. “Um, shower is through there. I already hung a clean towel on the rack and put fresh soap and a new washcloth in there.”

“You’re too good to me, Red.” He leaned over and kissed my cheek. Then he turned around and stood in the bathroom doorway.

I couldn’t help but let my gaze wander as he sat his bag down on the closed toilet lid and his muscles flexed. I had to bite my lip to keep from smiling and hoped that my face wasn’t beet red.

He looked over his shoulder, a grin spreading across his face. “Are you coming?”

“Um, excuse me?” I stumbled back. Did he mean the coming that I was thinking about? Because I could have been.

He nodded his head toward the shower. “In the shower with me?”

I blinked. “Seriously?”

“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to, but I thought if I was going to use your shower we should conserve water and shower together.”

“Um..uh..I can’t. Have. Um. ***ual. Intercourse,” I stammered the words out.

He turned around so he was fully facing me and then slowly inched his shirt off. His tattoos were staring me in the face and I couldn’t help but let my thoughts drift back to visions of him with the water rippling off of his abs. “Who said anything about ***? I just want to shower with you.”

As much as I wanted to press my body against his and see exactly what he would look like and in my shower, I knew it was a bad idea. I was still spotting from surgery and I could be for another three weeks. I was afraid that a giant blood clot would just fall out of me and onto his foot. That would be a mood ruiner.

“I don’t think now is a good time.” I was barely able to choke out the words. I’d been dreaming about John since the moment I saw him in a loincloth and now I was turning him down. Stupid cancer surgery.

He nodded. “It’s okay. I understand.” He took a few steps backward. “But that doesn’t mean you’re getting out of dinner tonight.”

“I thought you were joking about that.”

He shook his head, putting his arms above his head and leaning against the doorframe. His muscles stretched and gave me an even better view of his perfectly toned abs. The guy had to hide a personal gym in his room or something. He was ripped beyond belief. “I figured if we’re going to try something, might as well do it right and try the whole dinner and holding hands thing.” He had that lopsided grin on his face that made my legs quiver.

“This is supposed to be a date? Like we’re dating now?” I widened my eyes and had to sound like the stupidest girl in the world, but it was too late to take back the words.

“Yeah, I guess you can call it that. As long as you’re okay with that.”

I swallowed. I may not have been sure if I wanted to be with a guy like John or any guy for that matter, but after all he’d done for me, there was no way I could say no. “Of course I am. I think we can try this dating thing.”

He dropped his arms and put his hand on the door. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to shower for our date.”

He shut the door and left me standing there, dumbfounded as usual. It wasn’t close to dinner time, but I hoped he’d get out of my apartment before then so I could get ready without him watching my every move—even though I secretly wanted to watch his every move in the shower.

Chapter 19

Luckily John didn’t stick around all morning, so I didn’t have to attempt to get ready with him at my apartment. Not that I minded having him around, but there were certain things I wasn’t prepared for him to see yet, like my beauty rituals. Especially after sharing a small studio apartment with my sister for a week. I needed my space to get prepped for tonight.

Valerie would spend hours in the bathroom every morning, even though we were just sitting around the house. I was more laid back and usually just showered and wore sweats. But tonight was going to be different. I was ready to get out of my sick clothes and have a night out with John.

As usual, I never knew what to wear, but instead of scouring my closet, I just put on the first outfit that looked half way decent and that I wouldn’t freeze in: black skinny jeans, riding boots, a teal tank top, gray cardigan, and a flannel scarf. Valerie got the scarf for me for Christmas last year and said it was by some famous designer that I’d never heard of. I actually never wore it and only found it when I was searching through my sock drawer for a clean pair. It was probably time to drag my stuff to the laundry room downstairs, or to Monica’s. I had an irrational fear that someone was going to steal my underwear out of the laundry room and tried to avoid it at all costs.

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At around six, a knock came at my door, but I was putting on the last of my lip gloss so I just yelled, “come in!”

I fluffed my hair one last time, all the while expecting him to open the door, but nothing happened. Maybe it wasn’t John?

Confused, I walked to the door and opened it. He stood there with that lopsided grin on his face looking every bit of yummy in a black NorthFace jacket and faded jeans. I thought only teen girls wore NorthFace jackets, but the way it hugged John’s biceps made it look way too good to ever be worn by some girl with braces at a Justin Bieber concert.

“I yelled for you to come in. Didn’t you hear me?” I raised an eyebrow.

“I told you, Red, I’m trying to do this the right way. I was waiting for you to answer the door like normal people do on a first date.”

I couldn’t help but smile. “Since when has anything we’ve done been normal? This is probably one of the most effed up relationships or friendships or whatever this is.”

He crossed the threshold and put his hands on my shoulders and then slowly slid them down until he laced our fingers together. “Maybe normal is overrated, but I thought we could at least try this and see how it goes. It couldn’t hurt, right?”

“I guess you’re right.” I ran my thumb along his. “Does this mean you brought me flowers and chocolate?”

“D’oh” He tilted his head back and made a lemon face. “No.” He looked back down at me with the smile returning to his face. “Sorry, I fail at being a good first date.”

“I guess I can forgive you. This time.” I leaned up on my tippy toes to kiss him, but he backed away. Did my breath smell bad? I brushed my teeth twice.

“Whoa, no kissing on the first date. Well, at least not the first minute of the first date.”

I rolled my eyes. “Seriously? We’re going to go that far?”

“Yep.” He let go of one of my hands and opened the door. “But if you play your cards right you may get one later.”

***

We drove off campus and farther into town. The only times I’d ever gone off campus were to shop at the mall or grocery store. I may have grown up less than an hour from Central, but that didn’t mean I explored the town that much.

I had absolutely no idea where we were, but John seemed comfortable and at ease, like he knew exactly where he was headed. Nothing like a normal guy would be on a first date. Which technically we were and we weren’t. The first time we’d gone anywhere together was my doctor’s appointment and I didn’t want to think of that as a date. Nor was hanging out in my apartment and eating cheesecake afterward. Dinner for a first date sounded so much better.

“I hope you like sushi.” John pulled the car to a stop in front of a small strip mall. There was a nail salon and a used video game place flanking each side of Imperial Sushi Lounge. It didn’t look anything like an imperial place with its brick front and neon sign.

“Sushi’s good,” I said. Truth be told, I’d never had sushi. The whole idea of raw fish kind of scared me, but I didn’t want to admit that when he was trying so hard.

Before I could open my door, John ran around to the other side and opened it, offering his hand to help me out. I took it and hopped out of the Jeep. “Wow, you really are going all out on this first date thing.”

He shrugged, taking my hand in his. “I haven’t done one of these in awhile.”

“A date?” I raised my eyebrows. John was the type of guy that could have any girl he wanted and from what Monica told me he probably did.

“Yeah, is that so hard to believe?”

“Um, yeah. You’re hot and I’ve seen the way girls fawn over you at the house.”

He shook his head. “There is a difference between hooking up and taking a girl out on a date.”

“Touché.”

“And you’re the type of girl I want to take out on a date.”

My cheeks warmed at the thought. I had been trying to keep my feelings for John at bay. I shouldn’t have been thinking about a relationship when I wasn’t even a week post-op from surgery, but there was something about John that made me want to give up all my rules and dive head first wherever he wanted me to go. But the more logical part of me was still deathly afraid of getting hurt.

He opened the front door and followed in after me. Even though the outside didn’t look like anything special, the inside looked like it was straight out of Japan. The dark wood-paneled walls had white vertical strips containing Japanese calligraphy. The only lighting came from red paper lanterns that hung from the ceiling and reflected off the dark wood floor. Directly in front of us was a small pond with pretty koi fish. The rocks that circled the koi pond were stacked together behind it to form a large, circular platform which the hostess desk sat atop.

John led me to the hostess podium as if he had done it every day. I was busy staring at all the surroundings and hoped the fish in the pond weren’t going to be our dinner.

A short Asian woman with a Cleopatra-like haircut stood behind it and smiled when we approached. “Hello, you have reservation?” she asked in a high-pitched voice.

“Yeah, two for Walden.” His voice was smooth as silk when he spoke. I was surprised the woman wasn’t quivering with his every word.

She ran her long fingernails down the podium. “Okay, two for Walden.” She grabbed two menus from under the podium. “Follow me.”

She turned on her heels and for a little woman she walked very fast. I almost had to run to keep up with John’s long strides and her little feet. She led us into a large room that was probably the size of my high school’s basketball stadium. There were Japanese shoji screens lining the room, and at least twenty giant silver teppan tables had cooks standing behind them prepping food for wide-eyed customers like it was an art form.

“I thought we were getting sushi?” I asked John. I didn’t think they cooked sushi on grills in front of people, but I could have been wrong.

“We are, but we can’t just have sushi alone. You have to get some sukiyaki steak to go with it.”

“But what if I told you that I was a vegetarian?”

John came to a sudden halt as if someone just punched him in the gut. “Are you serious?” He looked at me with big puppy dog eyes.

I couldn’t help but laugh. “No, I’m definitely not, but I just wanted to see the look on your face.”

A small smile appeared on his lips and he squeezed my hand before we continued following the woman. “I’m glad I have you to keep me in check.”

“Likewise, John.”

The woman stopped in front of one of the teppanyaki tables where four other people sat: a gray haired couple and a middle-aged Hispanic couple with matching ter glasses. I guess our date just got a little bit more crowded.

“Well, this is intimate,” I muttered.

John pulled out my chair for me and I sat down, thinking he didn’t hear me. But he did because he leaned in as he sat down and whispered in my ear, “Half the fun of these places is people-watching the other couples at the table.”

I had to admit, my curiosity was piqued. One of my favorite past times was people watching. Not in a creepy way, but in a way that a future journalist and possible author would do. When people came into the coffee shop I would watch their body language when they ordered and make up their whole life story just by what drink they ordered. A lot of them ended up being cracked out caffeine addicts in my head, but that’s because there were a lot of wired college students.

“What kind of rolls do you want?” he asked.

“Um, what?” I blinked, putting my menu down and staring blankly at him.

“Sushi?” He let out a silent laugh through his nose. “You really aren’t in*****shi are you?”

I shook my head. “Oh, no, I didn’t say that.” I sighed. “Okay, moment of truth, I’ve actually never eaten sushi.”

“You’re ****ting me, Red.”

I swear the old lady gasped, but looked away when John glanced at her. I guess she wasn’t used to the foul-mouthed guy.

“No, I’m not. I’ve never really had it. There’s just something about raw fish that was never very appealing to me.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Then why did you say you were okay to have sushi tonight?”

I could feel the blush creeping up into my cheeks. I couldn’t think of something witty to say back, so I just told the truth. “Because you were excited about going out to eat and I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

He squeezed my hand. “You could never disappoint me.” His eyes locked on mine and I wasn’t sure if he was talking about sushi or something else entirely.

The gray haired lady leaned over John’s shoulder, smiling. “How long have you two been together?” she asked in a shaky voice.

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John turned toward her. “This is actually our first date.”

“Really?” She adjusted her glasses and her eyes looked like they grew to at least twice their size.

I was about to respond and say that we had been friends for awhile or something else lame, but John was quicker to respond, putting his arm around the back of my chair. “Yep. No first date jitters from us.”

She smiled, her lips forming an almost perfect line. “Well, I think you two are destined to be together for awhile. I can tell these things. It’s like I have a sixth sense.”

“What are you jabbering about, Martha?” Her husband peered over her shoulder. For an older guy he looked like someone who was attractive once upon a time. He still had all of his hair that was combed to the side and a full white beard. He could have been a Sean Connery relative.

She glanced back at her husband. “Richard, I was just talking to this lovely couple. It’s their first date. Can you believe it?”

“Really?” He raised his eyebrows. “You two look far too comfortable for this to be a first date.”

John squeezed my shoulder. “Sometimes it just feels right being with someone.”

“Awww.” Martha folded her hands together. “I still remember our first date.” She dropped her hands. “Richard actually showed up late!”

“I didn’t show up late. You just misheard me about the time!” Richard grumbled.

Her eyes narrowed as she turned back to her husband. “I did not! You told me five and you didn’t show up until seven!”

“And I think that is our cue,” John said, turning away from the arguing couple.

“Who do you think is right?” I whispered, glancing over at the couple and then looking back to John.

“I think the guy is always wrong.” He smiled.

“You’re just using first date talk to try and impress me,” I quipped.

“Is it working?”

“Maybe.” I picked the menu back up. “But you should stop stalling and pick out some rolls or whatever for me.”

John ordered some things I’d never heard of and he ured me that none of them contained raw fish. I wondered if he was just saying that they didn’t have raw fish in them so I would try them before judging.

After the sushi came and we ordered the rest of our dinner, an Asian man with a tall, red chef’s cap came up behind the grill. “Hello, hello.” He turned on the grill beneath him and pulled out a cart of different meats and spices.

“Think he always wanted to do this? Or maybe he wanted to be a doctor and just couldn’t get into med school?” John leaned over, whispering in my ear.

“It wasn’t that he couldn’t get into med school. His mother got sick and she told him he had to stay here and fulfill his destiny to work at an Asian restaurant,” I whispered, trying to keep from giggling.

“Mother knows best.” His lips tickled my earlobe and I couldn’t help but let a small laugh escape.

“Hey, lovebirds, do I have your order right or are you too busy necking to notice?” the chef asked, pointing at us with one of his cooking knives.

I snapped my head up and could feel my cheeks flush, but as usual John was as cool as a cucumber. He smiled and looked at the chef. “We weren’t necking...yet. But I’m sure we will be as soon as you’re done making our steaks.”

The ter couple shook their heads, but I could hear Martha awwing at us again. Luckily the chef had a sense of humor, but it still embarrassed the heck out of me.

“Okay, red meat and then necking. Gotcha. You need some wine? Or music to set the mood?” he asked, playing an invisible violin on his shoulder.

“That would be great,” John said.

“I try and make the night as romantic for you as possible,” the chef said as he cracked an egg on the grill and then started humming “Let’s get it on” by Marvin Gaye.

My nights with John were always interesting.

***

After dinner, and after I’d been embarrassed enough by John and the chef, we got back into John’s car and instead of turning toward campus, he went the other way.

“Um, you know this is going toward the highway and not my apartment, right?”

He didn’t look at me, but smiled. “Yeah, Red, I know where I’m going.”

It hadn’t started to snow yet, but the temperature dropped enough that it looked like the clouds could just burst open and we’d have a blizzard at any moment.

“Then where are we going?” I asked.

He shook his head. “That’s a surprise. I can’t give away all of my secrets.”

“If this is a first date, shouldn’t you be like groveling to keep me happy or something?”

His smile turned into an all out grin. “How many first dates have you been on? It’s the girl that usually cares more about all that impressing ****. The guy just usually does whatever he can in hopes that he will get invited back up to her room after it’s over.”

I almost choked on my own spit and had to pound my fist against my chest. “Is that what you’re doing?”

“Red, if I wanted to get you in bed, I don’t think I’d need to take you out to dinner first.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “I told you I wasn’t going to sleep with you tonight and I meant that.”

“Geez, cool down. I was just joking.” He put his hand on my knee. “Will you just enjoy your time with me and stop thinking I’m going to trick you or something?”

I blew a big puff of air out of my nose. I didn’t have an answer. At least not one that I could say out loud. I didn’t know what we were half the time. One minute I would think we were on the path to a relationship and then he’d get a lap dance from a girl or I’d do something stupid. He wasn’t like Robby, that was for sure. But it may have been my comparing him to Robby that was holding me back.

“Fine.”

I watched the landscape change out of the window. It went from the shuffle of a campus environment and the bar scene to an endless road of barren fields that had long been plowed and were just awaiting the first snow. It seemed like we traveled down the road forever, the only sound was the radio. Finally, John turned on his turn signal at an exit for a small town a few miles from Central.

“Pace? What the heck is in Pace?” I stared at the small town as it came into view. There was a little pizza place and a big antique mall, that seemed to be the big attractions. The only other thing I could see from the highway was a gas station and a Dairy Queen. I hoped his big surprise wasn’t just to take me out to ice cream.

“What? You don’t just like hanging out in the middle of the cornfields?”

“I hope you’re kidding.”

He drove past the gas station and further into the small town. It didn’t look like there was anything special. I’d only actually been there once and that was to get gas with my sister when we were on the way to Chicago. I never traveled past that gas station or anywhere else in town.

John put on his blinker and turned into a dimly lit parking lot. The building looked like a giant white slab of cement without any real markings on it. That is, until I saw a small sign when we turned around the corner that said “Iced Up Skating Rink.”

“We’re going ice skating?” I stared at the giant building. There were only five other cars in the parking lot so it didn’t look like it was too busy, even on a weekend. I guess not many people came out for small town ice skating.

“Of course we are. That’s why my skates are in the back.” He hitched his thumb toward the backseat.

I glanced back and saw a pair of red and white skates sitting on the seat. “Huh. I didn’t even notice those.”

“Well they’re my hockey skates from high school, so if you want to shoot the puck around we can do that too.”

I took a big gulp. “The last time I ice skated was in middle school. I’m not even sure I know what to do. Do you think it’s even wise for me to be moving like that after my surgery? What if I fall?”

He put the car into park and turned it off, before grabbing his skates out of the backseat. “Hopefully you should be fine.” He grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers. “And if you do, I’ll be there to catch you when you fall.”

My fingers warmed from his touch. I knew he meant the term in the physical sense, but I was hoping he would still be there for me emotionally as well, because I was afraid I had fallen way too hard for him.

He let go of my hand and then came around the side, opening the door for me. The temperature had dropped another few degrees and I shivered as soon as I stepped out of the Jeep. Like he was expecting me to be cold, he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to him. “You should wear a heavier jacket, Red. It’s not summertime.”

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“Maybe I’m just using it as an excuse to get close to you,” I teased.

He kissed the top of my head. “You know you don’t need an excuse for that.”

The place looked it like it was straight out of the 1970’s and hadn’t been updated since. It had light oak wood panels surrounding the rink. Painted in the middle of the ice was a globe and some other red and blue lines running down the sides of it. Bright fluorescent lights shone down from a white domed ceiling onto two girls in sequined outfits spinning around the rink. A bored looking teen with bright red freckles in a black and white striped shirt sat behind a snack counter. He barely looked at us when we walked in.

“Hey, two for skating and we need one skate rental.” John spoke to the kid smoothly, ignoring that the kid probably didn’t want to be there.

The kid pushed off the counter, like it took every bit of effort he had to walk the few feet to the register. “Okay, two skate fees and a skate rental. That’s $12.51.”

John pulled out his wallet and handed the kid a twenty and then looked over at me. “What size skates do you need, Red?”

***

John glided on the ice like it was as natural to him as walking. I, on the other hand, was tripping and flailing around like an infant learning to walk.

“Come on, Red. Don’t force it, just let your body tell you where to move.” John’s soothing voice carried over me. He had one hand on my waist to steady me and the other was trying to hold my flailing arms.

I couldn’t trust what my body would tell me. My body had done nothing but fail me lately. “I’m trying.”

My toe dipped forward and I tripped, falling forward, but then John’s arms were there to catch me. He spun around so he was facing me and pulled me up. He wrapped an arm around my waist and put his other hand on my chin, tipping it up so that I was forced to meet his eyes. “That’s the problem, Red. You’re trying too hard. You need to just let go. Don’t you ever just relax?”

“What?” I struggled to stay on my feet, feeling the skates give way underneath me. But John gripped tighter onto my waist and I pulled myself to stand on the thin blades.

“You always seem too put together, like you’re calculating every move you make. The first time I saw you, you intrigued me. Not just the fact that you looked beyond hot in that Hermione costume, but how even more beautiful you’d look if I could just get you to let go. I wanted to be the one to do that to you. Just me and me alone.” He moved his hand from my chin and pushed a fallen curl behind my ear. “That night you found out about the cancer was one of realest I’d ever seen you. You let yourself go. You let me in and I got to see the side of you that wasn’t so wound up. Granted it wasn’t a pleasant experience, but I was glad that you opened up.”

“I’m not wound up,” I protested. Though, I wasn’t so sure of that, even when I was saying it. He was sort of right. There was a certain way I liked things done. I didn’t want surprises. I practically planned out my whole life and was used to the routine. That’s the way I liked it. Then John and cancer came into my life and all my plans went out the window.

“It’s not a bad thing. Your studious side is pretty ***y.” He leaned in closer, his lips on my ear. “But there was nothing hotter than watching you come undone on the dance floor for me.”

My whole body heated up from his words. “That was different.”

“Why do you think I was so drawn to you? I wanted to get to know the girl behind the Hermione sweater and when you let go, it’s incredibly hot. So let go, Red.” He nibbled at my earlobe and then his lips trailed down to my neck, his teeth nipping at the soft skin.

A low moan gathered in my stomach and burst through my mouth. I tried to hold it in, but the feeling of his warm lips was enough to turn me into a puddle of jelly.

His lips were back on my ear. “As much as I would like to see you come undone again here, I think we need to try this skating thing again.” He pushed back, grabbing onto both of my hands and pulling me with him as he glided across the floor backwards.

“Are you serious right now?” I pushed my legs forward, trying to shift my feet without falling as he moved like it was no big deal.

“Come on, let go.” His eyes pleaded with mine as he pulled me in a circle around the small skating rink.

The other two girls weren’t even paying attention to us and the guy at the snack counter hadn’t looked up once from his phone, yet I was still afraid to fall. It wasn’t that I was afraid of hurting myself on the ice or even embarrassing myself in front of John. It was something else. Something almost primal that wouldn’t let me.

Then John dropped his hands from mine, but still stayed only a foot away from me, skating backwards, slowly.

“Why did you do that?” I kept my hands out in front of me, my feet still moving forward, but clumsily like I would slip at any moment. “Hold my hand!” I reached forward, but he skated backwards, just barely out of reach.

“John!”I screeched.

He smiled, barely showing any teeth. “Come on, Red. You can either keep skating or you can fall. You’ll never know what’s going to happen unless you try.”

“This isn’t funny!” I stumbled forward, trying to reach for his hands, but every time I got closer, he was quicker and moved out of the way.

“What’s it going to be, Red? Skate or fall?” He raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t know what kind of psychological thing you are trying to pull here, but it isn’t funny!” I lurched forward, hoping to fall into his arms, but he moved too fast. My feet gave out first, slipping on the ice like butter on a frying pan. My legs went airborne and I moved too fast to even blink or move my arms to soften the blow. Instead, I fell chest first onto the cold ice below, followed by my face.

John was by my side, pulling me up to my knees. But that didn’t stop the pain from exploding onto my body. The cold ice soaked through my clothes and my nose felt like it was bent in half.

“Are you okay?” John’s voice was soft and concerned, but at that moment I was angry at him for letting me fall.

“No!” I threw his hands down and then tried to stand up by myself but then ended up falling down hard on my butt. I’d probably have a bruise there to add to all of my internal ones. “OW.”

He pulled me up to my feet. I gave in and let him, since obviously I couldn’t control my own feet. “I think I broke my nose,” I whined.

He turned to face me. “I don’t think it’s broken, maybe just bent.”

“Easy for you to say, you’re not the broken one.” I touched my nose, which just made it hurt worse and I winced.

“You’re not broken either, Melanie.”

I met his eyes. He rarely ever called me Melanie. Instead of smiling, he was deadly serious. “I know what you’re trying to do,” I whispered.

“And what is that?” He leaned in, pressing his forehead to mine.

“Trying to make me feel better.”

“And I’m never going to try to stop trying. You’re stuck with me. Broken or not, I’m not going anywhere.”

I let out a slow breath, closing my eyes. “I want to go home.”

“Melanie...”

I closed my eyes tighter. I didn’t want to see him. I wanted this date to make me forget about my surgery. To forget about all the bad ****. Now I didn’t want to think about anything but sleeping it away. “I said I just want to go home.”

Chapter 20

My first date with John wasn’t exactly everything that I hoped it would be. I had to ice my face the rest of the weekend and my bruised nose made it look like I got in a fight. Going back to class on Monday wasn’t any better.

“Hey, Red, how’s the nose doing?” John plopped down in the seat next to me like he didn’t have a care in the world.

I glared forward, willing myself not to look at him. “You’re the one who put it there, so if you don’t mind I would like to focus on the lecture since finals are coming up.”

The girls in front of us glanced over their shoulders, looks of disgust on their faces.

I smirked. “Don’t get ahead of yourself, ladies. I fell ice skating, he’s not beating me or getting me involved in some weird *** act.” That got them to turn back around.

“Since when does *** involve bruises? What kind of stuff are you into, Red?” He leaned in, his voice low and almost right at my ear.

“I am not talking to you, John,” I said through gritted teeth.

“I told you. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

I groaned. He had apologized a million times about me falling on the ice, but then would go right back to saying that it was a good thing because I needed to let go. Easy for him to say. He didn’t have a disease or an ex that gave it to him. It was hard to start anything new, let alone let go, when that was always in the back of my mind.

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“I don’t even know you,” I said, but regretted the words as soon as I them, no matter how true they were.

What did I really know about the beautiful boy who carried me up the stairs after my surgery? I knew that I was falling, hard. More than I had for anyone else and that scared me. It scared me how much I was willing to do for him. How much he made me forget about what a jerk Robby was to me.

“You know me, Melanie. Better than anyone,” he whispered the last part. “You’re the one that’s a mystery to me. You’re the one who keeps everything inside and won’t let go.”

“You keep saying that. I don’t know what you’re trying to get at. Do you want me to just keep falling on my face?” I looked up, seeing that the professor walked into the room and I kept my voice low. I did intend on passing the class and I had been slacking on paying attention ever since I started sitting next to John.

His hand slid from under his desk and slowly moved up my leg until his fingers grazed my inner thigh. He couldn’t just pull something ***y and think that I’d forgive him that easily.

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly, turning my head ever so slightly toward his. “Stop it. We’re not doing this here.”

He pulled his hand out of my grip. “Geez, Red. No need to be so touchy.”

“You were the one being touchy,” I whispered. “And now I need to pay attention to our lecture.”

“Come on, Red. I thought we were good.”

One of the girls in front of us turned her head sharply. “Will you two either quit talking or take it outside? Some of us are trying to listen,” she hissed.

“Mind your own damn business,” I pushed back.

She huffed and then turned around to face the front again.

“Ouch! Feisty and I like it,” John said through a laugh.

I glared in his direction and then packed up my books and put them in my bag. He wasn’t going to stop bothering me during class and I was sure I could get the notes from someone. There was no way I could concentrate, so it was better just to leave.

Once my bag was packed I stood and didn’t even look back as I pushed past other people’s desks and stormed out the front door.

What the hell was happening to me? I used to have everything together. I was Melanie Wilder, good student, hard worker, and the girl that didn’t let people get to her. Then John Walden came into my life and everything became one big train wreck. I couldn’t blame him for the cancer, that wasn’t his fault, but the way that my body felt even more broken when he was around just made it ten times worse. I started my relationship with him thinking I could just have a quickie. To be with someone that wasn’t Robby. Then it all backfired and now I was more confused than ever.

I’d never felt this out of control before. I was ruined beyond repair and nothing was going to fix me. I put my hands on my knees and let the cool December air hit my face, forcing the tears to stay in my eyes. I would not break down in the middle of the quad.

“What was that about?” His voice got louder as I heard his feet hit the pavement, coming closer and closer.

I shook my head, slowly standing up. “This isn’t going to work.”

John’s hand was on my waist, spinning me around to face him. “You can’t get rid of me that easy. I told you that once and I will tell you that every day until you believe me.”

“Well, maybe I don’t want you!” I spat, throwing my arms in the air.

He winced, as if my words were a slap in the face. He let out a deep breath, his face completely fallen. It was the most vulnerable I’d ever seen it. Gone was his y demeanor and instead he was a guy that looked like he was about to lose it.

“Why, John? You don’t need me. You have millions of other girls that line up at the house every weekend for you.”

I wanted to scream it. I wanted him to just give up on me. I couldn’t keep going on with our tug of war game. No matter how ***y I found him, the more I hung around with him, the more confused I got. I needed to just stick to what I knew.

“I don’t want any other girl.” He shook his head and took a step closer, cupping my face in his hands. “I belong with you and you belong with me.”

I tried to move back, but his hands stayed put on the sides of my face. “I’m broken, John. You can’t just fix me that easily.”

“Then we can be broken together, Melanie. I want you to give this a chance. You haven’t given it a fair chance since the beginning. I don’t want this to just be some random pass. I want something real. I want you.”

“John, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m ready for. This semester has been nothing but a crazy jumble of emotions.” I wanted to let myself fall for the beautiful boy, but I was afraid if I fell too hard then I would just get hurt.

“Then let’s keep going slow. I’ll do whatever you want, baby. I just want to stay with you, in whatever context that is, friend, buddy, or more.”

I swallowed hard. “Okay.”

He leaned in and kissed my forehead. We weren’t completely fixed and I wasn’t sure where our relationship would lead, but I’d never had a guy fight for me like John did. And the more he fought, the harder I fell.

***

“So, how’d you get the big bruise on your nose? Valerie beat you in*****bmission for not taking pain meds?” Monica yelled over the coffee bean grinder.

“No, John did it.”

The grinder turned off suddenly and it was like a record stopped spinning mixed with nails on a chalkboard. A few people sitting in the coffee shop actually winced.

I turned my attention to Monica, who was staring at me with her eyes practically bulging out of her head. “Did you just say that John did that to you?”

I let out a single laugh, even though it wasn’t funny. “Oh, totally not like that. We went ice skating and I thought he was going to catch me, but instead I fell on my face.”

Monica let out a big sigh of relief. “Jesus, Mel, way to scare me!”

“Sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” Only I was thinking. Thinking of what I was going to text John. He was playing this twenty questions game with me via text. I guess me saying that I didn’t know him really got to him because he kept texting me with random questions about me and then would answer the same question as well. The latest was about our childhood crushes. He told me that he liked me a lot, but he still wasn’t over Zoey from Zoey101 on Nickelodeon.

“What is going on with you and John Boy anyway? Are you two like a couple now?” She asked, sifting the coffee grounds into a filter.

I shrugged. “I’m not sure what we are. I think we’re together, but I don’t think there’s a title for it.”

I looked down at my phone and saw another text from John.

Disney character you would sleep with?

I smiled at that one. It was a silly question, but I answered it truthfully.

Peter Pan. I’ve always had a thing for the boys that never wanted to grow up.

Ouch. I hope that wasn’t aimed at me. Because I’m a fan of Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Brunette and doesn’t mind a guy that’s an animal? Hell yeah.

“And what the hell kind of texts are those?” I turned around to see that Monica was looking over my shoulder.

“We’re just playing some weird question game. It’s silly.” I slid my phone back into my pocket.

“Text flirting isn’t silly.” Monica blinked. “You know the guy’s completely in love with you. I know I wasn’t sure about you two together, but the way he looked at you when you were going in*****rgery, it was raw. He has some deep feelings for you.”

“Really?” I raised my eyebrows. He did come to my surgery and I knew he liked me, but I still had my doubts. The guy cared about me, that was for sure, but I was afraid that if I gave my whole heart to him then he could possibly shatter it completely.

“Come on, Mel! Like you don’t see the way he looks at you? Guys like him just don’t casually start hanging out with a girl, without the promise of ***, for no reason. He’s obviously very into you.”

“How do you know we aren’t ?” I challenged.

Monica smiled. “Because I got bored waiting for you to get out of surgery and read your discharge papers. You can’t have *** for another three weeks, so obviously neither of you are getting any.”

I looked around the coffee shop and made sure no one was listening to our conversation. It seemed almost every customer had a book out and was studying. Finals were coming up and everyone was trying to cram everything from the entire semester into two weeks. It made for a lot more customers at least.

I leaned in closer to Monica, keeping my voice low just in case anyone popped up. “Okay, so we aren’t . Do you think that’s a bad thing?”

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She shook her head. “You don’t need *** in a relationship for it to be real.”

“Even when you’re dating a manwhore who you can’t stop thinking about ?” I raised my eyebrows.

“I don’t even know how to answer that one.” She leaned against the counter, crossing her arms over her chest. “Are you saying that you’re afraid to have *** with him? Or that you can’t wait to have *** with him? Because I’m really confused.”

I let out a big breath of air through my nose. “This probably isn’t a great conversation to have at work.”

“Well, we already started it, so we might as well finish.”

I groaned and motioned for Monica to follow me toward the kitchen area. There was a swinging door that separated the kitchen from the front register area and I figured less people would be able to hear us back there. Besides, we could still see the customers.

I started talking as soon as we were by the door. “Okay, so it’s weird and probably completely crazy, but I just feel busted.”

“Like your body? Your nose?”

I sighed. “All of me. I’ve always had everything under control in my life, or at least I thought I did. Then all of a sudden I find out about this cancer and I feel like I’m completely shattered and that every time I try and put the pieces back together, they just fall apart again.”

I couldn’t believe I actually voiced the words out loud. I’d been thinking about them for so long, especially after ice skating with John. The truth was, I wasn’t as angry with him as I was with myself. With him, I felt myself lose control and part of me liked the feeling of letting loose. But the other part felt like everything was crumbling and needed to get it back together as soon as possible.

Monica took a step closer, her eyes serious. “You aren’t broken, Mel. I know where your mind is right now and I’ve been there. I also know that you were there for me when I needed to be put back together. Without you and Trey I would still be in that dark place I was in a few months ago and I don’t want you to go there.”

“So what do I do?” My hands and knees were shaking like they were about to give out. All of the emotions were flowing through me at once. If I wasn’t careful I would shatter right there in the middle of the coffee shop.

“You need to get help, Melanie. You can either find a support group or just talk to someone. Talk to me, talk to John. Don’t hold it all in. That’s the worst thing you can do.”

“I know I can talk to you about anything, but it’s different with John.”

Monica shook her head. “It shouldn’t be. If you really care about him and he cares about you, then you have to live with each other for all the dark and the light parts. Relationships are tough, but if they’re real, then they’re worth fighting for.”

Chapter 21

With finals just around the corner, I needed to pick up new shifts at work since the other employees had taken off work to study. This left me little time for anything but sleeping and classes. Between work and studying, I rarely got to see John. It was always in the back of my mind that he was finding another girl to occupy his time and I had to constantly push those thoughts away.

I was sitting in my apartment after a day of work and classes, just hoping to get all of my studying in before midnight, when my phone rang. No one actually called me except my mom and sister, so I considered letting it go to voicemail. But after the second ring I thought it might be the doctor’s office. Sure it was late, but there could have been some news that couldn’t wait until the morning. I sprang up from the couch to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Red, long time no see.”

I let out a puff of air through my nose and then plopped back on the couch. “Oh, hey, John.”

“That’s all I get? I barely see you outside of class all week and I just get a ‘hey?”

“I’m sorry. I’m just tired and work and studying has been kicking my .”

“Then how about a late night snack?”

I blinked. “Um, what?”

Then a knock came at the door. I didn’t even respond to John’s question before I leapt up and answered the door. There he was, standing in my doorway, with a brown paper bag in one hand with the cell phone still up to his ear.

“I have to go, a man with food is at the door,” I said, keeping my eyes on John before I hung up and slid my phone into my pocket.

John held up the bag and put his phone down. “Hungry?”

“It’s nine o’clock at night and I have to work tomorrow.” I stared at the brown bag and realized that my stomach was growling. I actually didn’t remember eating dinner or lunch for that matter.

“I’ve missed you, Red. I was just sitting at the house and thinking about you, then I got hungry.” He stepped into my apartment, shutting the door behind him. “So I decided to grab myself some food and if I was going to leave the house anyway, figured I might as well get enough for both of us and come here.”

“You’re too good to me.” I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek.

“I brought gnocchi from Mario’s.” He set the bag down on the coffee table before he took a seat on the sofa behind it.

“That’s more of a meal than a snack.” My stomach rumbled so loud that it sounded like it was about to fall out of my shirt.

“And it sounds like you’re hungry, so I’m glad I came with provisions.” He pulled out a round foil container and then another foil wrapping shaped like a tube, which I guessed held Mario’s famous bread.

I plopped down on the couch next to him. “I guess it’s good that you like to feed me.”

He opened the top of the container and the smell of oregano wafted in the air and my mouth watered. “Are you feeling okay? I’m not saying that you look bad, but kind of tired.” He handed me a plastic fork and I immediately took a bite of the potato pasta.

I swallowed the piece and then stuck my fork in another. “Gee, thanks. You look tired, too.”

He didn’t look tired. He looked great as usual. Even in his NorthFace jacket.

“Ouch, Red. You hurt my heart.” He put his hand on his chest.

“Sorry, you asked for it,” I said between bites.

“But seriously. How are you feeling?” His eyes met mine and they looked even bluer in the dim light of my apartment. I only had on a lamp and the light from my computer so it wasn’t exactly the brightest place, but his eyes lit up the whole room.

My shoulders fell. “Honestly? Like ****. It’s like ever since break started I’ve been going nonstop and I just want a time out or something.”

“Then take one.”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s not that easy. Finals are coming up and work has been super busy. I’ll get to take a break during Christmas.”

He put his hand on mine. “Let go, Red.”

I tried to pull my hand away, but I couldn’t. It was the same thing he had been saying to me since the ice skating rink: Let go. “John, I know you’re trying to be helpful or whatever, but this is getting old.”

He took my other hand in his and held them up to his lips, kissing my knuckles gently and then just held my hands there. “Melanie. I’m serious. I care about you so much. I’ve seen how tense you always are and I just want you to be able to let go. Just relax once in awhile. Let the weight of the world off of your shoulders.”

“John...”

He shook his head. “Whatever you’re going to say, I don’t need to hear it. I just want you to relax for once. Just try to enjoy my company, even though you think I’m a pain in the , you still like me.”

I couldn’t help but smile at that one. “You really are a pain in the , but you’re right.” I leaned in and placed a small kiss on his lips. “I do still like you.”

He put one hand on the back of my head and pulled me closer, his tongue sliding between my lips and deepening our kiss. My dinner was soon forgotten and I dropped my fork to the floor before straddling John’s waist. His hands trailed down to my lower back and he pulled me against his chest. Even through his jacket, I could feel the hard contours of his muscular arms as they pressed against mine.

I unzipped his jacket and he helped by pulling it off the rest of the way, never breaking our kiss. His mouth trailed down to my neck, nibbling at the sensitive skin where it met my shoulders. I gasped and raked my fingers through his hair, tugging it back and forcing his chin up so that his lips met mine again.

He broke our kiss slightly and whispered into my lips, “I like it when you’re forceful, Red.”

“Shut up and kiss me, John Boy.” I crushed my lips against his with such a force he tipped backward slightly but then caught himself, his hands sliding on my back and then down to my butt, cupping it in his hands.

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I didn’t want to think. I wanted to do exactly what he wanted me to do: Let go. I wanted there to be a world in which I didn’t worry about cancer or finals or other girls that might want him. Just get lost in John’s kiss. I didn’t want to think of the other girls he’d been with or if he really was at home studying and not getting a lap dance from other girls.

But of course, it would be my body that betrayed me. It sent me a wakeup call that I definitely wasn’t well enough for *** yet. My stomach grumbled against John’s and he stopped kissing me.

I opened my eyes to look directly into his. He had his eyebrows slightly raised. “Was that your stomach growling?”

“Would you believe me if I said it wasn’t?” I ran my fingers through his hair, hoping that would make him forget about my stomach.

No such luck. He shifted underneath me until I was forced to move off of his lap and sit beside him. “I can’t sit here and make out with you when I know you’re starving. So, eat.” He handed me back my fork.

“Fine. Meanie.” I took a piece of the gnocchi and stuffed it in my mouth, making a face like an angry toddler.

“You’re kind of cute when you don’t get your way.” He smiled and took a bite of the gnocchi.

I pulled the container closer to me. “My gnocchi.”

“Ouch, getting feisty now.”

“Shut up and hand me some bread.” I pointed to the rolled up foil.

“As you wish.” He stood up, putting his coat back on.

“Wait!” I put my hand on his arm. “I didn’t mean it. You don’t have to leave.”

“As much as I’d love to stay here with you, I should probably get back to the house.”

“Why? Is there something more important there?” I wanted to ask if there was another girl, but I was afraid of the answer.

He shook his head, taking my hand and lacing our fingers. “Red, there is no one more important than you. I need to leave because if I don’t, I’m not sure if I can control myself. Neither of us will get any studying done and it’ll just end up with you on your back all night.”

“But what if that’s what I want?”

He leaned over, gently kissing my lips. “As much as I want to give you everything that you want, I’m going to have to decline. For now.” He stood back up and walked to the door. “Happy studying, Red.”

And then he left. Leaving me alone with my gnocchi and the need for a cold shower.

Chapter 22

Finals are the excuse that colleges use to torture students. They say it’s to test them on everything they’ve learned for the semester, but really it’s just to find something to either make or break students.

The classes in my English major had final papers, so no tests for them, but I still had three other classes that required final tests. I’d always been a good student, but I’d started missing a lot of classes with everything that was going on physically. The distraction of John also didn’t help.

Are you coming over?

His texts were even more frequent. I wondered if this meant we were exclusive and if he considered me his girlfriend. I knew I didn’t want to be with anyone else, but I couldn’t tell him that. I was still trying to keep everything in check. I was falling way too hard.

Studying. Shouldn’t you be doing the same thing?

I picked up my Spanish book. My final was Saturday morning at eight. Whoever thought of that was seriously nuts, but all of the foreign language finals were scheduled on a Saturday, which also meant that I had a little over a week to finish all of my online homework and then hopefully understand enough Spanish to pass a scantron test.

My phone buzzed again and I expected it to be a text from John, but instead Monica’s face was smiling back at me. I unlocked the phone and answered it.

“Hey, people actually still have conversations on these things?”

Monica laughed at the other end. “Yeah, yeah. I’m driving and I didn’t want to text and drive.”

“Should you be talking and driving?”

“I’m doing it aren’t I? Don’t argue with me, I’m calling to see if you want a study date.”

I put my worksheet in my Spanish book and closed it. “You aren’t going to study with Trey?”

“Have you ever tried to study with Trey?” Her turn signal beeped in the background. “Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, but we either end up arguing politics or making out and I actually need to get something done. That’s why I’m calling you because you’re the best motivator.”

I wished I still had the motivation I used to. At the beginning of the school year I did nothing but go to classes and work. Now all I thought about was John and cancer. I still had another biopsy after finals and I was eager to get the results and just get back to normalcy. Well, as normal as I could be.

“Yeah. I guess we can motivate each other. Where to?”

“Wanna just hit the library? I’m heading back from the grocery store, so I can meet you there in like half an hour.”

“Sounds good to me.”

I hung up the phone and then texted John that I was meeting Monica at the library. He texted back with a sad face. As much as I wanted to see him, I did need to study. And gossip with Monica.

***

Monica sat at a desk on the second floor above a sunken living room area.

“Hey Mon.” I plopped down in the chair across from her. She was unpacking a textbook and her laptop from her messenger bag, but looked up when I sat down.

“Hey, Mel. I’m not used to seeing you out of uniform or without your manboy on your arm.

I smirked. “I could say the same thing about you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Touché. But I’m ***ching the boy tonight for some studying and girl time. You’re worth it, pookie.”

“Did you just give me a cutesy nickname like we have some sort of a girlmance?”

She nodded. “I did. Are you going to do something about it? Like take me out on a kickass Christmas date?”

“So, we’re doing Christmas dates now, too? Not just study dates?” I pulled out my Spanish book and set it down on the desk.

“Well, if I don’t gouge my eyeballs out from studying, I do need to get Trey a Christmas gift at some point. He convinced me to spend Christmas Eve day with the Chapman family and I have no idea what to get him or what to get his parents and it’s a big cluster. It gives me more of a headache than my Physics class.” Monica rubbed her temples.

“Did you invite me here to study or to talk about Trey and Christmas?”

“Both.” She put her hands down.

“You know I can’t resist a girl chat.”

She beamed. “Okay, so you’re way better at this gift giving thing than I am. What do I get for the boy who has everything? And how about his upper crest family?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I barely know what to get my mom and sister this year and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to get my dad something.”

She blew a stray strand of her wavy, red hair out of her eye. “This was way easier when we could just paint everyone a picture in our kindergarten class and call it a day.” She rifled through some papers in her messenger bag and then stopped. “What are you getting for John Boy, anyway?”

“A gift for John? I’m not even sure how we’re defining our relationship or whatever it is.” I blinked. I never even thought about getting him something. I usually got the same video game for Robby every year and we dated all through high school. I didn’t technically know what me and John were and if it qualified for gift giving.

She leaned in, raising an eyebrow. “Is he getting you something?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. We haven’t talked about the holidays.”

“Christmas break isn’t even two weeks away and you haven’t talked about your plans with him?”

I guess I’d been more concerned about what came after Christmas. My next biopsy to find out if there was still cancer on my cervix was scheduled for December 22nd. They said I’d have the results back by the new year, which felt like the longest stretch of time in my life.

“And speak of the devil.” Monica folded her arms across her chest and looked over my shoulder, smirking.

I turned to find Trey and John walking toward us.

“Fancy meeting you two here,” John said, unzipping his jacket as he approached our table.

Monica shook her head. “Trey Chapman, I told you that I was studying with Melanie. I didn’t think that was an invitation for you to join us.”

Trey shoved his hands in his coat pockets. It was much too fancy to be a winter coat with its soft, gray material and tons of buttons. “I’m here to make sure that the Alpha Mus who signed up for study hours are actually here and John Boy said he was ***ched by Melanie, so he said he would come with.”

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“Lame excuse.” Monica rolled her eyes.

He bent over and kissed the top of Monica’s head. “I really am here to check on the study group. And if I get to see you at the same time, then it’s not so bad.”

She scowled at him, but her body language said something different. She was relaxed and smiling like she enjoyed his attention. “Some of us need to study, but maybe you forgot that since you seem to just retain everything by osmosis.”

Trey’s smiled broadened. “I ure you that I need to study and if my girlfriend would like to discuss our State and Local Government final, I wouldn’t be opposed.”

“Oh, I’ve already got that one locked down.”

“Really?” He raised an eyebrow.

John leaned over and whispered. “I love it when they debate. It’s better than Judge Judy.”

I had to agree. The liberal girl and the conservative guy seemed like the biggest cliché in the world, but not only did they make it work, they made it interesting for the rest of us.

“Hit me with your best shot,” Monica said.

Trey crossed his arms over his chest. “What is Dillion’s Rule and how can it be applied to our local government?”

Monica rolled her eyes. “Please. Like that isn’t your favorite question to ask me.”

I could feel the heat rolling off of John’s body, he was so close to me. Something stirred inside of me. As fun as it was to watch Monica and Trey argue, I wanted something different. “Want to get out of here?”

“I thought you’d never ask, Red.”

I pounded my hand on the table, rousing Trey and Monica from their debate. They snapped their heads in my direction. “Hey, me and John are going to get out of here since it seems like you two have a handle on this studying thing.”

Monica sighed. “I’m sorry. Do you want me to make him go away? I can totally do that.”

I stood up, forcing my books back in my bag and then yanked my coat on. “No, don’t worry about it. I’m sure we’ll catch up later.”

A slight smile crossed Monica’s lips. “Oh, I see what this is.” She made quotation marks with her fingers. “You two want to have a study session of your own.”

John put his arm around my waist, pulling me to his side. “Just like you two are about to do.”

“If by studying, you mean me wiping the floor with Trey in a debate, then yes, yes we are.” Monica smirked.

“On that note.” John and I backed away. “I’ll text you later, Mon.”

We took the stairs two at a time as if we both couldn’t wait to get out of there. “So where to? Coffee shop? The house?” I asked

John shook his head as he opened the front door and ushered me out. “The house is way too loud. I can’t even think there. It’s supposed to be study hours, but half the guys are **** faced.”

“Okay, so coffee?” I bit my bottom lip. God, how could this guy turn me on so much? This was why I didn’t want to study with him—because all I could think about was how bad I wanted to forget about cancer and just have him.

John put his arm back around my waist. “How about your place? More comfortable, better atmosphere, and I don’t have to listen to every freshman kid freak out because they may fail out of school.”

“Was this whole thing just an ulterior motive to get into my apartment?”

He smiled, letting out a breath of air through his nose that immediately turned into a cloud of smoke in the December air. “It wasn’t originally, but now that you mention it...”

“All you had to do was ask to come to my place instead of finding a way to run into me.”

“Okay, fine. Can I come hang out at your apartment?”

“Maybe.”

***

And that was how I ended up back in my apartment with John. I shouldn’t have agreed to it, because all I could think about was pouncing on him.

He sat at one end of the couch and I sat at the other with my feet on his lap. He was looking through his iPad, probably checking Facebook instead of studying.

I yawned and set down my Spanish book, rubbing my eyes and tilting my head back. If I had to look through one more Spanish conversational piece I was going to go blind.

“So, why Spanish?”

He had set the iPad on the table next to him and his full attention was on me.

“Two years of a foreign language is required for a Bachelor of Arts and my three years in high school didn’t qualify,” I said it matter-of-factly.

“Why not try a different language then? What are you going to do with Spanish?”

I shrugged. “I’ve already done all the prep work, so it just seemed like the next step.”

“But what are you going to do with it?” His fingers lazily rubbed circles around my ankles. “When you walk off that stage with your diploma, where do you see yourself going?”

No one had ever asked me that in that way. A lot of people asked what I wanted to do after college and I usually gave the same answer. Which is what I gave John. “I don’t know. Whatever job an English major will get me. Hopefully something with writing or in publishing.”

“Like fiction writing? Are you going to be the next JK Rowling?”

I tried not to snort. “I’m not that good. My old boy band fan fiction isn’t exactly New York Times Bestseller material.”

“You don’t have to be a New York Times Bestseller to be a writer. If you love something, you don’t do it just to make some list. You do it because you love it.” He lifted my ankle to his lips, placing the lightest kiss on it. I didn’t think that was a usual place to be kissed, but there was something about it that made my pulse rise. “Do you love writing?”

Did I love writing? Yes and No. I loved letting my fantasies and all the characters swimming in my head fall into words that I wrote on my paper. What I hated was the way it would get ripped to shreds when it was read in one of my English classes or the thought of countless rejections from publishers so that I would end up writing for some crappy local blog just to pay the bills. I didn’t want my life to be focused around my work or making money, but when I had a mom that was living paycheck to paycheck, I thought about it a lot.

“Sometimes I do.”

“If you don’t love something, then don’t do it. If it’s not in your heart, don’t follow it.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Do you only do things that you love?”

His eyes locked on mine like there was no one in the world but me. Not just the room, but the world. It made every hair on my body stand on end and I was acutely aware that he was touching me. It was one of the best sensations. “I’m the bull, Red. I try to do what I think is best, but there is always that person waving the red flag in my face and trying to get me to turn the other way.”

“And you think the bull doesn’t have another choice? That he couldn’t just ignore it?”

He put my foot down and leaned in closer, crawling on the couch until he was hovering over me. “Sometimes people are just misunderstood. People and animals. We can’t just ume they are thinking one thing and can avoid temptation. It’s hard as hell to avoid that red flag when it’s waving in your face.”

“Are we talking about the bull, or you, or writing now? Because I’m really confused.”

He grinned, his teeth flashing a brilliant white only a few inches from my face. “It’s always been you and me, Red. Even before we were us. You’ve always had the control in this relationship. Some things may distract us, but I’ll always come back to you.”

I swallowed hard. He always knew just what to say and it still left me speechless. When I first met the muscled guy I didn’t think much of him, but in just a few short months he’d become my everything. I’d fallen in love with the guy behind the amazing smile and killer abs and it scared the hell out of me. I’d thought I loved Robby, but it wasn’t like this. This was something way more powerful. This was something that I felt deep in my core and I was afraid what would happen if he didn’t feel it too.

“Sorry to get all cheesy on you. I just had to get that out.”

I shook my head and licked my lips. “No. I like it. You’re way better at this talking thing than I am.”

“We don’t need to talk, if that’s not what you want to do.” His lips were at my neck, the stubble from his cheeks tickling me.

I closed my eyes, savoring the feel of his skin against mine. I wanted to let go and say those three little words to him. He could babble on with the most poetic of verses without even trying, and I, an aspiring writer, could barely string a sentence together in his presence. Instead I just moaned when he nipped at my earlobe.

“What do you want, Red?” he whispered.

“I don’t want anything right now but your lips on mine.”

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And he obliged. His lips quickly finding mine and his tongue diving behind them. I pulled him closer, wrapping my arms around his neck and with his warm body pressed against mine. His hands went from running through my hair, down my face, and finally resting at my sides where his fingers found the space that my shirt didn’t meet my jeans. He skimmed the bare skin, sending goose bumps wherever his fingers touched.

When his lips dropped to my neck, I gasped and could feel him smiling between kisses. “How’s this for studying?”

“I’m not taking anatomy.” I breathed.

“Then say it in Spanish. That counts as studying, mi amiga.” His tongue ran along my jawline.

“Amiga means friend. You’re probably looking for something more like novia or amor.” I was barely able to get the words out, between his nibbling and kisses.

“God your brain is ***y. Keep talking.”

That was something I’d never heard, especially not in the middle of a make out session. But who was I to judge? I couldn’t even think of what to say, so I just didn’t think and started saying what I was feeling, but in Spanish. With each word I spoke his fingers dug into my sides, his breath ragged against my neck. It may not have technically been studying, but if I was using the language then it had to count for something. And it was the hottest study session I’d ever had.

“You are so unbelievably ***y,” John growled against my neck.

With his breath on my neck and his hands roaming around me, my body built up to the brink and then I cried out as his lips ran across my jaw. Did I seriously get off without him really touching me? Maybe he didn’t notice.

“I love it when you come for me,” he whispered in my ear.

Okay, so he did hear it. There was no way I could hide it. I had to think of something to say and fast. “Will you let me do the same for you?”

He lifted his head up, his eyes meeting mine. “Are you trying *****ggest something, Red? Because I’m not expecting anything from you.”

“I want to.” I moved my hand down to the waistband of his jeans and dipped my fingers beneath it.

He inhaled a sharp breath through his teeth and I felt his hard ridges against my fingertips. I should have really thought about this before I put my hands there. Feeling through his jeans was one thing, but having it in my hands was another story. I didn’t have much experience in the department, but I’d have to say his was quite large and intimidating.

“Don’t start something if you don’t intend to finish,” he whispered

I quickly unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. It stared back at me like it was taunting me. But I couldn’t deny that the guy was beautiful everywhere. Even down to his perfectly manscaped regions. Now hopefully I could actually get it in my mouth. I should of thought about how big he would be before I started. I placed my hands on the curves of his before I looked up at him, licking my lips. “Just lie back and think of Espana.”

Chapter 23

Despite my continued attempts to study for finals, there was always some sort of interruption. And that interruption was named John.

“Seriously, my Spanish final is on Saturday.” I may have said the words, but even I didn’t believe them. With his lips on my neck, studying was the farthest thing from my mind.

“I’ll let you talk dirty to me in Spanish if that counts as studying.”

I sighed, wanting to give in. Wanting to seriously give in. But there was one big thing that I couldn’t give into and I wasn’t sure if I ever would be able to again. Would *** be different after cancer surgery? I wondered if I would feel different. If he would even want me after we tried it.

“John, I-I-I really need to study. You wouldn’t want me to be distracted and fail all my classes and get kicked out of school.”

He pulled back and sat next to me, wide-eyed like a scorned puppy. “Do you really want me to stop?”

I bit my bottom lip, trying to hide my smile. No, I didn’t want him to stop, but one of us had to. I wanted him, oh how badly I wanted him. But there were bigger things that I had to deal with than ***. Like school. And cancer. “You’re just a little bit of a distraction.”

“But I’m a damn good one.” A slight smile returned to his lips as he leaned forward.

I sighed. “If I want to stay in school I actually need to pass my classes and I haven’t been keeping up with anything lately.”

“You’re smart, Red. You probably can do these finals with your eyes closed and never need to study.”

“I wish.”

That might have been true, back when I was going to all of my classes. Between doctor’s appointments and taking breaks to hang out with John, classes had become secondary. I knew that I could get a lot of the power points online, but I also knew that a lot of professors based their grades on attendance. Something I was seriously slacking in.

He sank back on the couch and picked up his computer, putting it on his lap. “Fine. I’ll let you be.”

I picked my book back up. “Sorry, John. I’m not trying to be a bitch. Finals will be over soon and then you can have me all to yourself.”

“Until your sister gets here at least.”

Valerie was coming in the following Friday after finals to pick me up for Christmas break. She also heard about my fake ID and told me that I needed to take her out to the bars so she could act like a college kid again for one night.

“You don’t have to stay here. You can go home at any time.”

John only had one final and it was our history one which was on Monday. The rest of his finals were projects, but he was still staying around to hang out with me.

“Yeah about that...”

I didn’t even need to look up to know that he was rubbing the back of his neck. His nervous twitch. I set my book down and gave him my full attention. “About what?”

“Well...I guess Gabe is wanting to close the house early, so I need a place to stay.”

I blinked. “And...?”

He blew out a big breath. “Okay, fine. Can I stay here while the house is closed up?”

“Here? With me?” I swallowed hard. He had been staying at my place most nights and it was amazing to fall asleep in his arms, but to make it official kind of scared me. It meant we were moving up in our relationship.

“Trey and Monica are leaving on Wednesday, but I guess I could stay there if you don’t want me around.” His eyes took on a sadness I hadn’t seen before.

I leaned over, putting my fingers under his chin and forcing his eyes to mine. “I didn’t mean it like that. If you want to stay here, you can. Valerie might just try to kick you out when she’s here.”

He laughed. “I’m sure we can get her some earplugs if need be.”

***

Finals on a Saturday morning were murder. John didn’t technically have to be out of the house until the following Wednesday, but somehow he and all of his stuff migrated over to my apartment.

I tried not to wake him as I crept out of bed and into the bathroom. A shower and a hot cup of coffee would hopefully help me wake up enough for my damn Spanish final. I closed the door to the bathroom and stripped off my clothes. At first I tried to look cute for bed when John spent the night. I wore newer pajamas that showed some skin, but after about the second night I got sick of that and went back to wearing my old t-shirts from high school and plaid pajama pants.

I kicked my clothes to the side and turned on the water, waiting for it to spray a steady stream before I stepped in and let the hot water fall over me. Just the wake up I needed. I pulled my face wash from the rack and scrubbed my face. Just as I was about to rinse it off, I heard the shower curtain open.

“Mornin’ Red.”

John’s foot squeaked as he stepped into the shower and then I felt the warm ripples of his chest against my back.

“John!” I screeched, rinsing the soap out of my eyes and covered myself at the same time. It was the first time he had seen me and I didn’t envision it being while I hadn’t shaved my lady bits in awhile or been to the gym.

I sucked in a deep breath and scrubbed the last remaining soap out of my eyes and turned toward him. There wasn’t much room in the tiny shower, but I could see exactly where his eyes roamed. I guess he cared more about my chest than the parts that weren’t shaved. My s betrayed me and hardened the minute they met the cold air.

“I thought we could save some water and shower together.” He grinned and took a step closer, covering my s with his warm hands. His hardness pressed against my belly button. I was glad that my bleeding had stopped or that could have been really embarrassing.

He took my hands, moving them to the side, his eyes roaming down to my chest. “Don’t hide that beautiful body of yours.”

“My body is not that great.” But his was. The water dripped down his rock hard body and I wanted to lick every droplet off of it.

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He cupped my s in his hands and leaned over, his lips grazing my before he nibbled them lightly. I moaned in response, arching my body towards his. He put his chin between my s, his fingers replacing his lips and rubbing against my s in a slow, circular motion. “You have the hottest body I’ve ever seen.”

“You do.” I gasped and reached for his flawless , digging my nails into it for fear I’d fall over if I didn’t have something to hold onto. I wanted him so bad. My body ached for him. Stupid cancer surgery recovery time.

“I like that, Red.” He kissed a trail up from my chest to my lips. The water cascaded over us, stimulating my s as John kept his fingers on them. His kisses were feverish, his tongue dancing behind my lips.

I broke the kiss slightly and whispered into his lips, “Do you like this?” My fingers trailed from his butt to his abs. I grazed his muscles before letting my fingers stop right at his length, grabbing it with both hands and stroking it gently.

He let out a hissed breath. “I like that even more.”

I would have rather had him between my legs. I ached for him so much. It was getting harder and harder not to go all the way. But this would have to do. At least for another week.

I tightened my grip on him, his bucking forward in response, while I traced small circles over his tip.

“Damn, baby,” he whispered, before crushing his lips back to mine. I moved my tongue in the same rhythm as my fingers and he moaned into my mouth.

I moved quicker, eager to get him to release. For me. For both of us. I wanted to know that I was the one to do that to him. The only one he wanted.

He broke the kiss. “I’m going to come.”

“Good.” I moved faster and his body stiffened before he shuddered and released all over my hand, the water washing it away as quickly as it came.

He let out a ragged breath and pressed his forehead to mine. The water droplets fell down his face and onto his oh-so-kissable lips. “I wasn’t expecting anything.”

I gently kissed the water droplets from his lips. “I wanted to.”

“Now let me do something for you.”

“John...I…”

He put his hands on my , quickly turning me around. “I know. No ***. But I can still do this.”

He reached in front of me and then grabbed my shampoo off the shelf. I heard the sound of his hands rubbing together and then his fingers were in my hair, massaging my scalp. It always felt great when my hairdresser would wash my hair before she cut it, but John took it to an all new mind-blowing level. I tilted my head back, closing my eyes, and his fingers continued massaging my scalp down to the ends of my hair.

“Rinse,” he commanded, turning my back away from him and toward the shower spout. He kept his hands on my head, rinsing out the shampoo from my hair and moving his fingers through my curls. He continued the same process with the con***ioner and the pulled me against him. His lips replaced his fingers down my hair and to my cheeks and neck.

I turned around to face him, wrapping my arms around his neck and trying to deepen the kiss, but he pulled back. “As much as I’d like to spend all day in the shower with you, I can’t keep you from your final.”

I pouted. “Seriously.”

He kissed my forehead. “Seriously, but there’s always after your final. And tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day.”

“I look forward to it.”

***

I was almost late for my final and had to run across the quad with wet hair just to make it in the nick of time. There were icicles dripping off of my curls when I walked into the room, but it was worth it to spend the time with John in the shower. Ever since I found out about my cancer I felt like less of a woman. Finding out that a part of me had been damaged made me feel like all of me was damaged as well. And then there was the surgery that made me feel even more broken. Slowly, but surely I was building back up again and putting the pieces back together. It helped that there was an incredibly ***y guy who was always around.

Of course I had to put those worries aside to finish my finals. Spanish wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, mainly because John still kept encouraging me to speak Spanish in the heat of the moment and I found myself burning up every time I thought of the different verbs I would use and how they would roll off my tongue and into his mouth.

My other classes were another story. I had two final papers, a history final, and my Physics final. None of my teachers knew what was going on with my cervical cancer so I felt like all of them glared at me when I walked in. Like they knew I had been missing class and just umed I started slacking. It was like I had to re-prove myself. As if the first few months of me doing nothing but showing up to class and diligently turning in my homework on time were forgotten and I was just another slacker in the crowd.

It also probably didn’t help that I would throw on one of John’s Alpha Mu hoodies with my jeans half the days I was running late to class. I think all of my teachers had some secret vendetta against fraternity guys. I even remember my British Lit professor asking what a nice girl like me was doing with a hoodie like that.

But the more time I spent with John, the less I really cared what other people thought. It was like Monica told me, “If they’re nobody, who cares what they think?” I proved myself enough by getting mostly A’s in my classes and to hell with what the kids in my classes thought of me. Maybe it was time to let go.

Then there was still cancer to think about. I made an appointment the Friday before break for another colposcopy. The doctor wanted to make sure they got rid of all the cancer and if there was still anything there we would have to explore other options. I didn’t want to think of the other options. This time John wasn’t the one to take me, though. Valerie came into town.

“After we’re done with this doctor stuff, we’re going shopping.” Valerie glanced at me out of the corner of her obnoxiously large sunglasses. There wasn’t much snow on the ground, but whenever the earth was blanketed in white, it seemed like the sun shone off of it and made everything brighter.

“Shopping? Don’t you have enough of that working off Michigan Ave?”

“Um, what I do there is work. Not shop.” She flicked on her turn signal to turn toward my doctor’s office. “Besides, I can’t afford to shop on Michigan Ave every day, or have the time to with all of these crazy hours. I haven’t even started Christmas shopping.”

“Okay, fine. You win. We’ll go shopping.”

“And we need to get you something to wear out tonight. I scoped your closet and your wardrobe is lacking.”

I shook my head. “You still want to go out tonight?”

I was hoping she’d forgotten about that idea. I remembered how sore I felt after my last colposcopy.

“Uh, yeah. My baby sister has a fake ID and her boyfriend can probably get us past the door without cover. I’m not missing out on that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”

“Besides, John stayed around on Christmas break for you. The least you can do is show a little skin and get him out on the dance floor.”

“He didn’t stay around just for me. He said he had some fraternity stuff to take care of.” Even as the words left my mouth, I knew they were a lie. I didn’t remember the last time he actually stayed at the house. He was like my new roommate who slept in my bed. Maybe a night out before break could change that.

***

Valerie thumbed through some ties at one of the department stores. “What the hell do you even get for a dad you barely ever see?”

Valerie hadn’t done any Christmas shopping and her list was a mile long. I just got everyone Starbucks gift cards and called it a day. But Valerie thought it was too impersonal. Ever since we were little girls she loved going shopping and would spend hours looking for the “perfect gift” for everyone.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Coffee?”

“Probably what he does need. Maybe I’ll get everyone something to go with your plethora of gift cards. I seriously can’t believe you got John the same thing as our mom. That’s just so weird.”

“Why? He likes coffee. Everyone likes coffee and if they don’t, they’re missing out.”

Valerie scoffed and then walked out of the men’s section. I followed her toward the purses. “It’s so impersonal, especially for your boyfriend. Don’t you want to get him something special?”

“Like what?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Something that isn’t a gift card. Something that he would actually appreciate. Something that shows just how much you care about him.”

I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, Val, we haven’t been dating that long and he’s a guy. He doesn’t expect all of that.”

“I don’t think you give him enough cre***.”