Essay #1

Làm thế nào để viết được essay đạt điểm cao? Mình đang bị tắc ở chỗ, IELTS, nó bắt mình phải phân tích cái digram mà mình chẳng có một chút khái niệm gì về nó? MÌnh có nên cứ nghĩ theo cách mà các cô dậy địa lý cấp III rồi translatê qua E không nhi?

This essay waz a classical one... It is not easy to deal when it comes to Boys and gals... This A has his own thoughts, this B has her own thoughts. And we dont have a ref who could point out who is right and who iz wrong! The point iz, "Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
Well, know wot:
You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it.
I wanted to write loads but as my English is not so good so i betta say nothing more.

Hi Red_river,
Do you mind if I correct your essay ?
Are girls wiser than boys? It is a tough question, isn?Tt it ? As a girl, you are most likely to say: ?oOf course we arê?. But if you are a boy, you might not agree with this statement. So who is right then ?
I think as newborns, children''s genders do not play a role in their future capabilities in making good judgments. As children grow up, however, they get powerful influence from both family and society, and it is these influences that will shape up a person''s wisdom. Thus I believe that there is no such thing as born-stupid people. There are only people who do not want to learn and improve themselves. Both genders can be judicious if they choose to. The fact is that most boys fall to the temptations in life more easily than girls do. Boys tend to act cool so they might do such ill-advised things like racing, drug using, or drinking. The reason that girls don?Tt do these as much is because more girls tend to think of the possible consequences of their actions. However, there are girls who do make wrong choices, too, and there are also a lot of guys who know their goals to strive for so that they can control themselves very well. To be fair, we must say there are a lot of both smart boys and girls, but there are also foolish kids among both genders.
As a result, it could be hard to get a good answer for the question I posed. Wise people are those who know what they have to do in certain situations and how to protect themselves from succumbing to the lures of life. So either boys or girls who understand this can be considered smart people.
Being wise may seem to be a rather simple matter but it is really not easy to make it come true. You need to have strong determination to guard against allures all around you. It is difficult but if you succeeded doing it, you can become the best you can be. Isn?Tt it great?
Được hbae787 sửa chữa / chuyển vào 00:47 ngày 09/09/2004

word: POINTLESS!
i see no attitude @ all,plus, its damn boring

It''s not wise to do so. My suggestion, you should learn English in the way English peolple learn English. Try this book: "101 Useful Hints for IELTS". I think it does help.

I think ur English is quite ok. You ''ve tried to use various grammar structures and vocabularies. But ''cos u used them too much, I mean u overused them, you made your essay quite boring. There''s no emotion in your essay. It''s just like a formal report. And as you know, none of us likes to read such a formal report like that.

Hello Bestdragon,
Forgive me that you found the essay I corrected for Red-river too formal and thus boring. It''s because the original essay''s tone was quite serious so I had to keep it that way. Also, I think most forum members, especially the ones preparing to take TOEFL and IELTS, can benefit from a standard English writing style rather than a dramatic, funny or tongue-in-cheek style that is plagued by jargons, slang words, cliché, or worse, profanity.
Learning a standardized way of writing and speaking is surely the best approach to master a language. Without proper grammar a learner will later be speaking and writing in a manner, although seemingly fluent from a novice''s point of view however glaringly lacking finesses by an educated one''s. I had a personal experience with that when I went to an US university twenty one years ago. As a young hotshot, I was full of wits and joke-cracking ability plus an attitude. No need to say, I got bad grades on Composition I and II because my essays were peppered with, what else, a plethora of street language. Eventually getting sick of those C grades, I realized that I had to change. I began reading TIME magazine, newspaper articles instead of the sensationals and watching more news and documentaries instead of movies. And I did get better.
Later when working in a professional environment, I found formal writing ability a MUST if you want to go anywhere in your career. Some of my less-than-refined colleagues, inspite of their tremendous education and work experience, still hit the invisible glass ceiling when it came to promotion opportunities. No one ever told them about their writing skill but thru the memos circulated in the company, everyone knew too well what the reason was.
So, my friend, sorry if I bored you again with this message.
Best regards,
Hbae787
Được hbae787 sửa chữa / chuyển vào 07:10 ngày 11/09/2004

Hi there,
I told you your English was quite OK, ''''cos you know how to use various grammar structures and you have a wide range of vocabulary. I appreciate that. But it seems that you didn''''t understand what I wanted to point out there.
I totally agree with you that learning a standardized way of writing and speaking is surely the best approach to master a language. But unfortunately, you are confusing between the terms "academic essay" and "formal report". I think I have to make it clear for you.
An accademic writing, in general, is one written in a academic style. That is no slang, no abbreviation, no plethora of street language should appear in it. Although both essay and report require formal writing, they are different. And you should know those differences in order to master the English writing skill.
An essay, especially the one like the topic provided by Red-river. should express your emotion, your feeling, your attitude, etc... Whereas, a report is just a formal writing which shows no emotion , no feeling. It just provides some objective comments, some events, some figures, some statistical data or something like that, etc... Thus, it is so boring. And unfortunately, your writting is in this second case. It ''''s what we call " a dry essay". Therefore, it makes no sense to us, ''''cos noone wants to read it. Get it?
If you still don''''t understand what I said, pls read your writing again and compare it with the 1st essay written by Red-river and you will get the picture.
Regards,
BestDragon
Được bestdragon sửa chữa / chuyển vào 15:39 ngày 11/09/2004

cái này cũng 'âu có là "formal"????????? Nói chính xác hỈn 'ây là 1 informal topic.

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