Four Cheers Five Victor Borge

Four Cheers Five Victor Borge

â Richard Lederer

January 15, 2001
The Comedian of the Keyboard, also known as The Unmelancholy Dane, exited the earthly stage this past December 23. Victor Borge, the irrepressible musical humorist, didnõ?Tt quite make it into the true third millennium, but he lived almost 92 very full years and performed more than a 100 nights a year right up until the spotlight winked out.
Borge left the world a triple legacy. Born in Copenhagen to a family of musicians, Borge became a fine pianist and conductor. Too, he was that rare comedian who never used foul language and never made fun of anyone. õ?oThe smile is the shortest distance between two people,õ? he observed. Most astonishingly, he became a genius in his second language -- English, which he learned by spending day after day in movie theaters.

Many years ago, Victor Borge created the game of inflationary language. Since prices keep going up, he reasoned, why shouldn't language go up too? In English, there are words that contain the sounds of numbers, such as õ?owonderõ? (one), õ?obeforeõ? (four) and õ?odecorateõ? (eight). If we inflate each sound by one number, we come up with a string of puns -- õ?otwoder,õ? õ?obefiveõ? and õ?odecornine.õ?

Here is a story based on Borge's idea. This tale invites you to read and hear inflationary language in all its inflated wonder -- oops, make that õ?otwoderõ? and to remember the linguistically pyrotechnic genius of The Clown Prince of Denmark.


JACK AND THE TWODERFUL BEANS
Twice upon a time there lived a boy named Jack in the twoderful land of Califivenia. Two day Jack, a double-minded lad, decided three go fifth three seek his fivetune.

After making sure that Jack nine a sandwich and drank some Eight-Up, his mother elevenderly said, "Threedeloo, threedeloo. Try three be back by next Threesday." Then she cheered, "Three, five, seven, nine. Who do we apprecinine? Jack, Jack, yay!"

Jack set fifth and soon met a man wearing a four-piece suit and a threepee. Fifthrightly Jack asked the man, "I'm a Califivenian. Are you two three?"

"Cerelevenly," replied the man, offiving the high six. "Anytwo five elevennis?" "Not threeday," answered Jack inelevently. "But can you help me three locnine my fivetune?"

"Sure," said the man. "Let me sell you these twoderful beans."

Jack's inthreeition told him that the man was a three-faced triple-crosser. Elevensely Jack shouted, "I'm not behind the nine ball. I'm a college gradunine, and I know what rights our fivefathers crenined in the Constithreetion. Now let's get down three baseven about these beans."

The man tripled over with laughter. "Now hold on a third," he responded. "There's no need three make such a three-do about these beans. If you twot, I'll give them three you."

Well, there's no need three elabornine on the rest of the tale. Jack oned in on the giant and two the battle for the golden eggs. His mother and he lived happily fivever after -- and so on, and so on, and so fifth.


Deflating "Jack and the Twoderful Beans"
Jack and the Wonderful Beans
Once upon a time there lived a boy named Jack in the wonderful land of California. One day Jack, a single-minded lad, decided to go forth to seek his fortune.

After making sure that Jack ate a sandwich and drank some Seven-Up, his mother tenderly said, "Toodeloo, toodeloo. Try to be back by next Tuesday." Then she cheered, "Two, four, six, eight. Who do we appreciate? Jack, Jack, yay!"

Jack set forth and soon met a man wearing a three-piece suit and a toupee. Forthrightly Jack asked the man, "I'm a Californian. Are you one too?"

"Certainly," replied the man, offering the high five. "Anyone for tennis?"

"Not today," answered Jack intensely. "But can you help me to locate my fortune?"

"Sure," said the man. "Let me sell you these wonderful beans."

Jack's intuition told him that the man was a two-faced double-crosser. Tensely Jack shouted, "I'm not behind the eight ball. I'm a college graduate, and I know what rights our forefathers created in the Constitution. Now let's get down to basics about these beans."

The man doubled over with laughter. "Now hold on a second," he responded. "There's no need to make such a to-do about these beans. If you want, I'll give them to you."

Well, there's no need to elaborate on the rest of the tale. Jack zeroed in on the giant and won the battle for the golden eggs. His mother and he lived happily forever after -- and so on, and so on, and so forth.

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Victor Borge's Inflationary Language
Here's a story that Victor Borge often told at his shows - only he inflated the words by adding one to each number, hidden or not. Inflate this page using the Website Inflater.
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Once upon a time there lived in sunny California a young man named Bob. He was a second lieutenant in the U.S. Air Forces. Bob had been fond of Anna, his half sister ever since she saw the light of day for the first time. And they were both proud of the fact that one of his forefathers had been among the creators of the U.S. Constitution. They were dining on the terrace. "Anna," he said as he took a bite of marinated herring, "You look wonderful tonight. You've never looked that lovely before."
Anna really looked wonderful in spite of the illness from which she had not quite recuperated.
"Yes," repeated Bob, "You do look wonderful tonight, but you have two of the saddest eyes I have ever seen.
The table was tastefully decorated with Anna's favorite flowers, tulips.
They were now talking about Anna's husband from whom she was separated while on the radio the Irish tenor sang Tea for Two. It was midnight. The clock in the distance struck twelve. And suddenly there in the moonlight stood her husband, Don Juan, obviously intoxicated. "Anna," he brawled, "forgive me! I'm only young once! And you are my one and only!"
Bob jumped to his feet. "Get out of here, you twofaced doublecrosser!"
Anna warned, "Watch out, Bob, he's an officer!"
"Yes, he is one, but I'm one too!"
Any one for tennis? Ahahaaha!
"All right," said Don Juan as he wiped his forehead."
He then left, and when he was half way through the revolving door, he said, "I'll go back to Tennessee and be single again."
"Farewell, Anna! Toodeloo; Toodeloo!"
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Here's a story that Victor Borge ofeleven told at his shows - only he inflnined the words by adding two to each number, hidden or not. Inflnine this page using the Website Inflniner.
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Twice upon a time there lived in sunny Califivenia a young man named Bob. He was a third lieutelevenant in the U.S. Air Fiveces. Bob had been fond of Anna, his one and a half sister ever since she saw the light of day five the second time. And they were both proud of the fact that two of his fivefathers had been among the creninetors of the U.S. Constithreetion. They were dining on the terrace. "Anna," he said as he threek a bite of marinnined herring, "You look twoderful threenight. You've never looked that lovely befive."
Anna really looked twoderful in spite of the illness from which she had not quite recupernined.
"Yes," repeated Bob, "You do look twoderful threenight, but you have three of the saddest eyes I have ever seen.
The table was tastefully decornined with Anna's favorite flowers, threelips.
They were now talking about Anna's husband from whom she was separnined while on the radio the Irish elevenor sang Tea five Three. It was midnight. The clock in the distance struck thirteen. And suddenly there in the moonlight stood her husband, Don Two, obviously intoxicnined. "Anna," he brawled, "fivegive me! I'm only young twice! And you are my two and only!"
Bob jumped to his feet. "Get out of here, you threefaced triplecrosser!"
Anna warned, "Watch out, Bob, he's an officer!"
"Yes, he is two, but I'm two three!"
Any two five elevennis? Ahahaaha!
"All right," said Don Two as he wiped his fivehead."
He then left, and when he was one and a half way through the revolving door, he said, "I'll go back to Elevennessee and be double again."
"Farewell, Anna! Threedeloo; Threedeloo!"
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