Fun fun fun

30 reasons why a beer is better than a woman

1. When beer goes flat you throw it away

2. Hangovers go away

3. A beer does not bitch, yell or cry

4. The labels come off without a fight

5. When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer

6. You can not catch anything but a headache from a beer

7. Beer does not go crazy once a month

8. Beer does not tease or play hard to get

9. Beer is always easy to pick up

10. Beer does not mind the football and cricket seasons

11. Beer will not make a fuzz about leaving the toilet seat up

12. A beer never says 'No'

13. A beer does not get jealous when you pick up another beer

14. Beer stains wash out

15. You don't have to wine and dine beer

16. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football

17. Beer is never late

18. Beer never has a headache

19. You don't have to drive a beer home in the morning

20. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer

21. A beer always goes down easy

22. You can share a beer with your friends

23. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty

24. Beer is always wet

25. Beer doesn't demand equality

26. You can have a beer in public

27. A beer doesn't care when you come

28. A frigid beer is a good beer

29. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good

30. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony




---
Love is in your heart not to stay, but to be shared

this is damned cool n funny, i promise, read on to join the laugh
>I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>A bus station is where a bus stops.
>
>A train station is where train stops.
>
>On my desk, I have a work station....
>
>what more can I say..........
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>If it's true that we are here to help others,
>
>then, what exactly are the others here for?
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>Since light travels faster than sound,
>
>people appear bright until you hear them speak.
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>Money is not everything.
>
>There's MasterCard & Visa.
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>One should love animals.
>
>They are so tasty.
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>Save water.
>
>Shower with your girl friend.
>
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>Love thy neighbour.
>
>But don't get caught.
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
>
>And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>Every man should marry.
>
>After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>The wise never marry.
>
>And when they marry they become otherwise.
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>Success is a relative term.
>
>It brings so many relatives.
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>Never put off the work till tomorrow
>
>what you can put off today.
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>Love is photogenic
>
>It needs darkness to develop
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>Children in backseats cause accidents
>
>Accidents in backseats cause children
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>"Your future depends on your dreams"
>
>So go to sleep
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>There should be a better way to start a day
>
>than waking up every morning
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>"Hard work never killed anybody"
>
>But why take the risk!
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>"Work fascinates me"
>
>I can look at it for hours!
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>God made relatives;
>
>Thank God we can choose our friends.
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>When two's company, three's the result!
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>A dress is like a barbed fence
>
>It protects the premises without restricting the view
>
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>The more you learn, the more you know,
>
>The more you know, the more you forget
>
>The more you forget, the less you know
>
>So.. why learn.
>
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but,
>
>if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your
>stupi***y.
- kat -
"...never let a kiss fool you or a fool kiss you"

Really funny..... Thanks Kat for sharing.
Above is my favorites. Which are yours?

I love most of those ideas, read them again n again once in a while and still can make me laugh. I love collecting sayings too, " never let a kiss fool you or a fool kiss you" is one of my fave sayings so I take it as part of my signature. Also, i like stupid quotes, i can name some here...let see..err..well:
" the more i get to know abt boys, the more i love dogs" ( ohh, okay guys, this is not my saying and i dont mean it, just take it as an example .. k i ll shut up or u gentlemen may kick me outta here...ouch!!! )
or
" if you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen"
stupid but cute, isnt it
- kat -
"...never let a kiss fool you or a fool kiss you"

Hey Kat, if we never let a fool kiss us, so why care "never let a kiss fool us"?

What NOT To Say To A Police Officer!
1. Sure I'll get my license, but can you hold my beer?
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in..
3. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed.....have you been eating doughnuts?"
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay good, just so one of us does..
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical con***ion to be a police officer..
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. I was just trying to keep up with traffic... Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!
I want to be in another place.
I hate when you say you don't understand.
(You'll see it's not meant to be)
I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy.
A place for my head.

Hey do this everyone! I didn''t want to do it at first since I think it''s just a waste of time but after finishing this questionaire, I find it completely enjoyable
The Dalai Lama said read it to see if it works for you. Very
interesting. Just 4 questions and the answers will surprise you. Do not cheat by looking up the answers.
The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is opened. This is fun to do, but you have to follow the instructions very closely. Do not cheat.
MAKE A WISH BEFORE BEGINNING THE TEST!!
A Warning! Answer the questions as you go along. There are only four questions and if you see them all before finishing, you will not have honest results. Go down slowly and do each exercise as you scroll down.
Don''t look ahead. Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go along. You will need it at the end.
This is an honest questionnaire that will tell you a lot about your
true self
PERSONALITY TEST: Put the following five animals in the order of your preference. Write down the animal names (not just the letter)
a. Cow
b. Tiger
c. Sheep
d. Horse
e. Pig
(Stop)
Write one word that describes each one of the following: Dog, Cat, Rat, Coffee, Sea
Stop
Think of someone (who also knows you and is important to you) that you can relate to the following colors (do not repeat your answer twice! Name just one person for each color.) Yellow Orange Red White Green
(Stop)
Finally, write down your favorite number and your favorite day of
the week.
(Stop)
Wish for something you REALLY WANT.
Look at the interpretations below: (but first before continuing,
repeat your wish.)
Item # 1: This will define your priorities in your life.
Cow Signifies CAREER
Tiger Signifies PRIDE
Sheep Signifies LOVE
Horse Signifies FAMILY
Pig Signifies MONEY
Item # 2: Your description of dog implies YOUR OWN PERSONALITY
Your description of cat implies the personality of your PARTNER.
Your description of rat implies the personality of your ENEMIES.
Your description of coffee is how you interpret ***.
Your description of the Sea implies your own LIFE.
Item # 3: [
b]Yellow: Someone you will never forget
Orange: Someone you consider your true friend
Red: Someone that you really love
White: Your twin soul
Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life
Item # 4:[/b]
You have to send this message to as many persons as your favorite number and your wish will come true on the day that you put. This is what the Dalai Lama has said about the Millennium-just take a few seconds to read it and think. Do not put away this message, the mantra will come out from your hands in the next 96 hours. You will have a very pleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious. Please do this.
So close no matter how far... well be friends forever...

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Tommy Cooper
"Security puts a premium on feebleness."
H.G. Wells
"I wanna live ''til I die, no more, no less."
Eddie Izzard
"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."
Oscar Wilde
"Money couldn''t buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
Spike Milligan
"The big difference between *** for money and *** for free is that *** for money costs less."
Brendan Francis
" At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I''m not there I carry on as usual."
Partick Moore
"I''m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I''m a vegetarian because I hate plants."
A. Whitney Brown
"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."
W.C.Fields
"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn''t explain away afterwards."
Rudyard Kipling
"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ''no''."
Woody Allen

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
Henry Youngman
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don''t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright
"I''m so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I''d come out sucking my thumb."
Freddie Starr
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Spike Milligan
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn''t take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe

"You''re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson a.k.a. Mr. Bean
"Don''t knock masturbation, it''s *** with someone I love ."
Woody Allen
"I don''t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
Groucho Marx
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral ***, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man''s genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have ***. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert DE Niro
"There''s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what''s the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There''s very little advice in men''s magazines, because men think, I know what I''m doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I''m going to find a woman I don''t like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a *****, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
The difference between genius and stupi***y is; genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein
A woman drove me to drink and I didn''t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
There''s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Dick ****tt
Everything ends this way in France - everything. Weddings, christenings, duels, funerals, swindlings, diplomatic affairs - everything is a pretext for a good dinner.
Jean Anouilh (1910-1987) French dramatist, screenwriter
My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
Woody Allen
To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent.
Berton Averre
We''re different; we''re the same.
Richard David Bach (1936- ) author; Jonathan Livingston Seagull,
The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today''s complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you''re a guy, you cannot have enough RAM.
Dave Barry
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
George Burns
If it weren''t for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry
"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?
Sal Davino
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."
George Burns
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you''re in."
Richard Jeni
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte
"A woman''s mind is cleaner than a man''s. She changes it more often."
Oliver Herford
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during ***---no matter what she''s reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
Nice to be here? At my age it''s nice to be anywhere."
George Burns
"If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance."
United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure
"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ''never try''."
Homer Simpson
"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."
Winston Churchill
"Outside of a dog, a book is man''s best friend. Inside of a dog, it''s too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn''t it."
Groucho Marx
"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can''t dress."
Joan Rivers
"Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?"
Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they''re okay, then it''s you."
Rita Mae Brown
"If it weren''t for electricity we''d all be watching television by candlelight."
George Globol
Njoy this, ya guys.

size4 They ca l me Super man
I never let another chich brin me down in relationship
Save u bitc ? Baby shi ,u make me sick.
Super man aint savin shi . /size4

Equal Opportunity:
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
HELP WANTED Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can''t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can''t give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

50 Things To Do:
50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They''ve found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can''t get the damn thing to work. After he/she''s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it''s set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don''t know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don''t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they''re crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you''re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 31/2 disk drive. When it doesn''t work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor''s keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working con***ions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer''s mouse.
35. Borrow someone else''s keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?"
, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn''t affected). Then look at your neighbor''s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?"
Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you''ve deleted about a page of your neighbor''s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I''ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn''t deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer''s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person''s next to your''s screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say.
"Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who''s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you''ve known them all your lives. Hang-up before they get a chance to figure out you''re a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it''s the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn''t work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You''re such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you''ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.