Fun fun fun

Hi guys,
Why don''t we do up a topic with rain-related stories?
The first to come:
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband''s car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God, Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband''s home early!"
I can''t jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It''s raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he''ll kill us both!" she replied. "He''s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town''s annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with
his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.
It wasn''t that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you''re
running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it''s raining" !

Only in America...do we award someone $3,000,000 for
spilling hot coffee in their own lap...
Only in America...do we have labels on baby strollers
to remind people to remove the baby before folding up
the stroller...
Only in America...does a woman who decides to chop her
husbands male body organ off can plead insanity and
get away with it...
Only in America...

Know what mazzie? while typing them out I did think alot ''bout ya, how similar
Same old story, but quite fun
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
BOYS AND GIRLS
BOY : I can''t leave you ...
GIRL : Do you love me so much??
BOY : It''s not that. You''re standing on my foot.
BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn''t heavy.
GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away??
BOY : Were you away??
GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?
BOY : What time was it??
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me ...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what''s your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest ...
BOY : Then marry me and we''ll be the happiest couple.
GIRL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so
overwhelmed, I couldn''t speak for an hour ...
BOY : Yes Darling, that was the happi est hour of my life ...
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever ...
BOY : Don''t you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
GIRL1: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
GIRL2: I did once. He''d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
BOY : I''m a photographer. I''ve been looking for a face like yours!
GIRL : I''m a plastic surgeon. I''ve been looking for a face like yours!!!
BOY : Hi! Didn''t we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
GIRL : Must''ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
BOY : May I have the pleasure of this dance?
GIRL : No, I''d like to have some pleasure too!!!
BOY : Will you come out with me this Saturday?
GIRL : Sorry! I''m having a headache this weekend!!!
BOY : Go on, don''t be shy. Ask me out!
GIRL : Okay, get out!!!
BOY : Shall we go and see a film?
GIRL : I''ve already seen it!!!
BOY : Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
GIRL : Nah, it was plain bad luck .

WOMENâ?TS LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
Iâ?Tm sorry. = Youâ?Tll be sorry.
We need... = I want
Itâ?Ts your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = Youâ?Tll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I donâ?Tt want you to.
Iâ?Tm not upset = Of course Iâ?Tm upset, you moron! Youâ?Tre so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. Youâ?Tre certainly attentive tonight = Is *** all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = Iâ?Tm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today youâ?Tre really not going to like.
Iâ?Tll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me Iâ?Tm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, youâ?Tre dead.
Was that the baby? = Why donâ?Tt you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I''m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to Whatâ?Ts wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = Itâ?Ts just that youâ?Tre such an idiot!

Translations for men
These translations are for all of us wonderful women out there, so that you will know what they really mean when they say...
"IT''S A GUY THING"
Translated "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated "Why isn''t it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated Absolutely nothing. It''s a con***ioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU''RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated "I can''t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT''S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated "I remember the theme song to ''F Troop,'' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I''ve ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON''T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT''S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I''m hurt."
"HEY, I''VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I''M DOING."
Translated "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN''T FIND IT."
Translated "It didn''t fall into my outstretched hands, so I''m completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated "What did you catch me at?"
"I''M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

England soccer captain David Beckham and his wife, Victoria, have consulted attorneys over what to do about newspaper reports that he had extramarital affairs, said a statement released Monday by the couple.
"This weekend a series of even more absurd and unsubstantiated claims have been published about David and Victoria Beckham," the statement said.
"The couple continue to dismiss these stories and they will not be commenting upon them further at this time.
What''''s going on ? . The story not the end

1. ENGLISH IS A STUPID LANGUAGE
Let''s face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don''t fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn''t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn''t the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn''t a race at all)
That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it''s why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends

2. Q: Why couldn''t the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn''t know what number came first.
3. Marriage quotes 01
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor''s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman''s finger and two under the man''s eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

1. Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there''s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for season tickets."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away.
Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"
"Absolutely not," he said, "season''s more than half over."
2. Adam and Eve
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once there were 3 nuns in a bus and then all of a sudden they crashed and died. So the 3 nuns went up to heaven and met St. Peter at the gates. He said that in order to get into heaven they each had to answer a question. They all agreed and so the first nun went up and St. Peter asked "Who built the ark?". "Noah" the nun replied. "Yup that''s right you r in" said St. Peter.
Then the second nun came up and St. peter asked "Who was the first man in earth?" "Adam" she replied. "Yep that''s right you are in" said St. Peter.
Then the third nun came up. St. peter said "Well since you are a mother supierior you have to answer a harder question" "Now what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Mother Supierior answered- "Ooh that is a hard one" Then St. Peter said "yep thats right you are in!"
Được cup79 sửa chữa / chuyển vào 20:00 ngày 28/04/2004

1. Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin''?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he''s been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He''s on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he''d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She''s in the Ladies'' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave''s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
2. A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I''ll buy you another drink. I just can''t stand to see a man cry."
"No, it''s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and cre*** cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Được cup79 sửa chữa / chuyển vào 23:03 ngày 28/04/2004

-Do stairs go up or down?
-Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
-Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
-Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
-If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their name to Knockers?
-If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
-Are children who act in rated ''''R'''' movies allowed to see them?
-Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
-When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
-Aren''''t the ''''good things that come to those who wait'''' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
-If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
-Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
-Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
-"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
-Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
-Are marbles made of marble?
-Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
-If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
-Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
-Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I''''ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
-Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I''''m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Njoy ur time folks. Hav a nice holideis...
Được mazzie sửa chữa / chuyển vào 22:11 ngày 27/04/2004