Fun fun fun

Just for the record, I HAVE eaten a hamburger with ham inside it.
=P

1. Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin''?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he''s been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He''s on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he''d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She''s in the Ladies'' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave''s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
2. A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I''ll buy you another drink. I just can''t stand to see a man cry."
"No, it''s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and cre*** cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It''s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what''s inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn''t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

First Thing to do after Jail
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What''s going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can''t drink and drive, why do you need a driver''s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why are they called ''stands'' when they''re made for sitting?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?
Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?
Why is abreviation such a long word?
If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn''t it be called a "near hit"?
Isn''t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there''s a 90% probability you''ll get it wrong.
You can''t have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world''s population.

huhu ko biết mấy bài Riddle đang nói biến đi đâu hết mất rùi?

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I''d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up rugs forever. I''ll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That''s wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That''s admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That''s amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ''This is your asshole before prison...'' "

Here''s one classic poem about Adam and Eve, read it, don''t delete it!
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam''s,
One covered Eve''s.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve''s treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve''s eyes,
As Adam''s thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam''s thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve''s treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn''t let loose,
Until Adam''s thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.
So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I''m in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!

Oh, this one''s priceless, promise!
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it''s too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What''s wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it''s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It''s okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."
"I''m afraid not," the President said. "That''s what we would call a Great Loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn''t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."
"That''s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President.
"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn''t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn''t be a Great Loss..."