Fun Things For Professors To Do On The First Day Of Class

Fun Things For Professors To Do On The First Day Of Class

After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".

If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".

Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".

Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

Address students as "worm".

Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

Growl constantly and address students as "matey".

Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".

Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".

Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".

Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".

Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"


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Fun Things To Do While You're Shopping
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift wrap.
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone?"
Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I.Joes and X-Men.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front.
In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"
When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream.
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