George Carlin, the best American eveR!!!!

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
You know what I like about the American form of government? They worked things out so that you are never far from a 7-Eleven.
I don?Tt think we should be governing ourselves. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the king?Ts not doing a good job, we kill him.
Driving is fun. Did you ever run over a guy? And then you panic? So you back up and run over him again? You ever notice the second crunch is not as loud as the first? I think it?Ts because the guy already has tread marks on him. But there he is, lying right in front of your car. Might as well run over him again. What are you gonna do this time, drive around him?
Next time they give you all that civic bull**** about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to ****.
You know what?Ts fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks.
I try to give up heroin but my efforts were all in vein.
If a dog knocks over a lamp, you can tell who did it by looking at the dog; he acts guilty and ashamed. Not the cat. When a cat breaks something, he simply moves along to the next activity: ?oWhat is that? The lamp? Not me! **** that, I am a cat! Something broken? Ask the dog.?
Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would the oath still count? Does God really give a ****?
Here is a fun thing to do on a Saturday afternoon. As you watch the football scores on TV, try to visualize each collegê?Ts campus. Then picture yourself ****ing some one on the lawn in front of the Administration Building.
The gray hair douche bag, Barbara Bush, has a slogan:?Encourage your child to read every day.? What she should be doing is encouraging children to question what they read everyday?
THE NOON TIME NEWS:
A man wearing a Have a Nice Day button was killed yesterday by a man who works at night.
The Mafia has killed an information clerk because he knew too much. His replacement, appointed today, says he has no further information.
And finally, here is a Halloween prank that backfired. It seems that little thirteen-year-old Danny Obolagotz thought it would be great fun to soap the windows of all the cars on his street. He had soaped seven of them and was starting to soap the eighth, not knowing that the owner of the car, Earl Fletcher, was seated inside. Fletcher shot Danny in the head four times.

The reason I talk to myself is that I am the only one whose answers I accept.
Sometime when you are watching a street musician, walk over in the middle of a song and whisper to him that you don?Tt like his music. Then take a dollar out of his cup and walk away.
Jesus doesn?Tt really love you but he thinks you have a great personality.
I don?Tt understand people who protest things in the street by walking around holding signs. I say, if you are gonna be on the street, use the time productively. Destroy some property.
Scientist in Switzerland announced today they have been able to make mice fart by holding them up side down and tapping them on the stomach with a ball point pen
A team of microbiologists announced today they have discovered something they cannot identify. According to them it is long and thin and smells like a tractor seat.
I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
Most people don?Tt know what they are doing and a lot of them are really good at it.
The reason I talk to myself is I am the only one whose answer is acceptable.
NEVER FORGET, HITLER WAS A CATHOLIC
If you listen to his voice carefully without looking at the screen, Ted Koppel sounds like he is taking a ****.
Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungle cord for people who aren?Tt quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
In the United States, anybody can be president. That is the problem
You know how you can tell when a moth farts? When he suddenly flies in a straight line.
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other peoplê?Ts stuff.
You keep hearing that society?Ts greatest tasks are educating people and getting them jobs. That?Ts great. Two things people hate to do: go to school and go to work.
People seem to think that if therê?Ts some problem that makes them unhappy in this country, all they have to do is stage a big march and everything will change. When will they learn?
Why don?Tt network TV shows have a warning that says? Caution: You are about to watch a real piece of ****.? Actually, they could just leave it on the screen all the time
You know what they ought to have on planes? A passenger voice recorder. So we could hear all the screaming when a plane goes down. I am not really interested in the ****pit recorder; the pilots are always talking a bunch of technical **** anyway. But the passengers! That would be fun.
EVENING NEWS
It has been disclosed that several years ago when Mother Teresa won the Nobel Peace Prize, she returned the money, claiming it had germs on it.
And finally, on the lighter side, here is a human interest story about MAN?TS BEST FRIEND> It seems sixty five years old James Driscoll was asleep in his downtown hotel room last week when he was awakened by the sound of a dog barking. When he awoke the room was filled with smoke and he could not see to get out. The dog let him out of the room, down the hall, and into an elevator shaft, where he plunged eight stories to his death. IT seems it wasn?Tt his dog.
When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.
It is fun to go into the hospital room of a terminal patient and whisper to him, ?oHang on. We are working on a miracle drug. It will be ready in about five years.?
Cat?Ts thought:?I sure could do with a nice rat?
I pray each night that some day on a single afternoon; several major news stories will break within a few hours of each other. I would love to see two 747s colliding above Times Square, the president and vice president getting assassinated, Iran and Israel having a nuclear exchange, the Dow Jones dropping 8,500 points, and California having an earthquake measuring13.7. It would be fun watching the news channels try to cope with it all. And you know what would really be fun? Reading the newspaper for the following few weeks.
If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found
I have a very in expensive security system. IF someone breaks into my house, I run next door and throw a brick through my neighbor?Ts window. That sets off his alarm and when the police arrive I direct them to my house.
Here is a god example of practical humor, but you have to be in the right place. When a local television reporter is doing one of those on the street reports at the scene of a new story, usually you will see some onlookers in the background of the shot, waving and trying to be seen on television. Go over and stand with them but don?Tt wave. Just stand perfectly still and, without attracting attention, move your lips, forming the words, ?oI hope all you stupid ****ing lip-readers are watching. Why don?Tt you just blow me, you goofy deaf bastards.? The T V station will enjoy taking the many phone calls.
When people ask do you have the time
I will answer No I don?Tt believe I do. I certainly didn?Tt have it this morning when I left the house. Could you possibly have left it somewhere? You know, mow that you mention it I believe the navy has the time. In Washington. They keep it in an observatory or something and they let a little of it out each day. Not too much, of course. Just enough. They wouldn?Tt want to give us too much time; we might not use it wisely
Sometimes, in a playful mood, when asked if I have the time, I will say, ?oyes? and simply walk a way.