Giải trí chút nghe (English can be FUN)

- Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
- When did you first notice this problem?
- What problem?

Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
George: I want to be a pilot.
Richard: I want to be a doctor.
Susan: I want to be a good mother.
Greg: I want to help Susan.

So do I

In the English grammar lesson, the teacher asked:
- What are the simple past tense and the simple future tense of "MARRY"?
A pupil answered:
- Teacher, "LOVE" and "DIVORCE".

Gã keo kiệt nọ thở hổn hển bước vào nhà, gã gần như đã kiệt sức.
"Có chuyện gì xảy ra vậy, anh yêu" vợ gã hỏi
"Anh vừa có một ý tưởng tuyệt vời" gã hổn hển nói. "Anh đã chạy sau xe buýt suốt trên đường về nhà và tiết kiệm được 50 xu"
"Thế thì thật chẳng thông minh" vợ gã đáp "Sao anh không chạy sau một chiếc taxi để có thể tiết kiệm 5$"
The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted.
?oWhat happened, Honey?? asked his wife.
?oIt?Ts a great new idea I have,? he gasped. ?oI ran all the way home behind the bus and saved 50 cents.? ?oThat wasn?Tt to smart,? replied his wife.
?oWhy didn?Tt you run behind a taxi and save five dollars??

Sherlock Holmes và Bác sĩ Watson cùng đi cắm trại. Sau khi dùng bữa tối ngon miệng và một chai rượu, họ lăn ra ngủ.
Vài giờ sau, Holmes tỉnh giấc. Ông lấy khuỷ tay hích nhẹ vào người bạn thân. "Watson, hãy nhìn bầu trời và nói xem anh thấy gì". "Tôi thấy hàng triệu, hàng triệu ngôi sao", Watson đáp.
"Cái đó nói với anh điều gì?" Holmes hỏi tiếp.
Watson suy nghĩ một lát rồi trả lời "Xét về thiên văn học, nó cho thôi biết rằng có hàng triệu dãy ngân hà với hàng tỉ hành tinh tiềm ẩn. Xét về chiêm tinh học, tôi quan sát thấy Sao Mộc ở cung Sư Tử. Xét theo thuật đo thời gian, tôi đoán bây giờ đã ba giờ kém mười lăm. Xét về thần học, tôi thấy Chúa là đấng quyền lực tối cao, chúng ta thật nhỏ bé và thật tầm thường. Xét về khí tượng học, tôi đoán chúng ta sẽ có một ngày mai trời đẹp. Thế nó có ý nghĩa gì với anh"
Holmes im lặng trong giây lát rồi nói: "Watson, anh thật ngốc. Kẻ nào đó đã ăn cắp lều của chúng ta"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

Two bats are hanging in their ****. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I''m really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it?Ts a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can''t be exposed to any light - you know we''ll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I''m really starving for it."
So he flies out of the **** and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where''d you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn''t."
Hai con dơi đang treo mình trong cái hang của chúng. Một con quay sang con kia nói: ?oNày, tao thực sự đang thèm một ít máu tươi?
Con kia tỏ ra kinh ngạc và nói: ?oỒ, để trời tối một tí đã. Bây giờ đang còn sáng, chúng ta không thể phơi mình vào ban ngày được, mày biết đó, chúng ta sẽ chết mất?
?oTao biết chứ? con thứ nhất nói ?oNhưng tao đang rất thèm máu đây?. Nó liền bay ra khổi hang và quay về 5 phút sau đó với miệng đầy máu.
?oMày thật may mắn. Mày kiếm đâu ra mà nhanh thế? Con dơi thứ hai hỏi.
?oMày có thấy cái cây đằng kia chứ? con dơi miệng đầy máu lầm bầm hỏi
?oCó, tao nghĩ là tao có thấy?
?oỒ, tao thì đã không thấy cái cây đó?
(hơi khó hiểu một chút)
"Well, it?Ts a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can''t be exposed to any light - you know we''ll die." <~ Hình như H. dịch sai mất câu này rồi, nhưng ko biết dịch sao cho hay, bác nào giúp mình với.

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you''re going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I''ll go get that drivers'' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don''t pay attention to him - he''s a smartass when he''s drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn''t get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, ''No, honey, don''t do it.'' The blonde replies, ''Shut up, you''re next!''

Things To Do In An Elevator
1) When there''s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn''t you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It''s okay, don''t panic, they open again!"
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space