Happy Heaven (Jokes - English Version)

Chào các bạn, tôi muốn gửi đến các bạn nguyên bản những truyện cười mà tôi đã dịch trong bộ Thiên đường vui vẻ mà tôi sưu tầm được. Nó sẽ không đầy đủ bằng bản tiếng Việt, bởi có những truyện tôi không trực tiếp dịch, và một số truyện thời kỳ đầu tôi không giữ lại bản tiếng Anh. Hy vọng những truyện cười này sẽ giúp các bạn thư giãn - mà đồng thời học tiếng Anh luôn.
GH

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Two Cows are talking through a fence. One cow says to the other, "You know, I'm really worried about this Mad Cow Disease." The other cow says to him, "I wouldn't be too worried about it. It can't affect us chickens."


:: Giáo Hoàng ::

Bear And Rabbit
There was a bear and a rabbit taking a **** side by side in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and ask's,
"Do you have a problem with **** sticking to your fur?".
"No, not at all." replies the rabbit.
With that the bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped his ass.

:: Giáo Hoàng ::

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

:: Giáo Hoàng ::

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only women would listen
Just a Thought "I just read a report that stated
that last year 4,153,237 people got married.
I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that
be an even number?"

:: Giáo Hoàng ::

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.
After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"
The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".
"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice,
"That's what they said the last time too . . . "

​

Once upon a time a woman died and went to heaven. When she reached the Pearly Gates she was met by St. Peter. She said, "Am I in heaven?"
He said, "Yes, you are at the Pearly Gates."
"Do I get to come in?" asked the woman.
St. Peter said, "Yes, if you can spell a word."
"What word?"
"Any word."
She said, "OK, I'll spell love." She did and she was allowed to enter.
A few minutes later, St. Peter approached her and said, "I have to leave for a minute. Would you watch the gate?"
She looked astonished and said, "You want me to watch the gate?"
St. Peter said, "Yes."
She asked, "What do I do if someone comes up?"
He replied, "Just what I did. Ask them to spell a word."
As she stood looking around at all the beautiful sights in heaven, she saw a man walking toward the gates. As he drew closer, the woman recognized him. It was her husband. She was
shocked!
He walked up to the gates. "What happened?" the wife asked.
"Well," the husband replied, "I was so upset after your funeral
that on the way home I had an accident and died. Am I in heaven?"
"You are at the Pearly Gates," she said.
"Do I get to come in?" he asked.
"Yes, but you have to spell a word," she said.
"What word?" he asked.
"Czechoslovakia," she replied.

​

Popemobile
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Without much of a choice, the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.
After gleefully accelerating to about 90 mph, the Pope was pulled over by the State Patrol. The trooper came to his window, took a look inside, and said, "Just a moment, please. I need to call in."
The trooper called in and asked for the chief. He told the chief, "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it? A senator?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
The chief asked, "It's the Governor, isn't it?"
"No. More important."
"The President?"
"No. More important."
"Well, Who the heck is it?!," screams the chief.
"I don't know," said the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

​

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon
attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.
They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their
computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here
and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late
to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

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Plea To The Governor
The Governor was in the habit of scheduling part of his day to hear the pleas of relatives of prisoners. One day, a woman came to beg that her husband be released from prison. "What was he convicted of?" the Governor asked.
"Stealing a loaf of bread."
"And is he a good husband to you?"
"Not really," the woman replied. "He beats me when he's drunk, bullies the kids, runs around with other woman, and he not much use for anything else."
"Then why would you want him released?" the Governor asked.
"We're out of bread again."

​

Maid
Mrs. Fitzgerald said to her maid, "Oh, I suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it," the maid angrily responded, "you're just saying that to make me jealous

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