Happy Heaven (Jokes - English Version)

Confirmation
A man phones a mental hospital and asks if there is anybody in Room 13-A.
The receptionist says, " Sir, that room is empty."
"Great!" says the man. "That means I really DID escape!"

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TOP TEN REASONS STUDYING IS
BETTER THAN *** for your pleasuree...not hit
the books!
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your
place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early with-out feelings of
guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to
worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't
gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the
same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents
interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you
can always ask your roommate for help!

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Baseball In Heaven
The Devil floats up to see St. Pete and says, "Hey, let's have a baseball game - my people against your people."
"Sure," replies St. Pete, "but I should warn you, I have all the Hall of Famers!"
"Who cares?" says the Devil. "I have all the umpires!"

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Confession
Samuel went to confession and told the priest, "Father, I'm 70 years old, married with four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."
"My son, when was the last time you were in confession?" the priest asked.
"Never, Father. I'm Jewish."
"Well, then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"

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Making It Rich
A young lad asked an old man how he became so rich. The old man replied, "Well, son, it was 1932 and the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel, so I invested it in an apple. I spent an entire day polishing that apple and at the end of the day, I sold it for a dime. So the next day I bought two apples. I polished them all day and sold them at the end of the day for two dimes. I continued doing this for a month, and by the end of that month, I had accumulated a total, minus expenses of course, of $4.00."
"And then what?" the lad asked.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars!"

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The Swiss Guy
A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked.
The two Aussies just stared at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first Aussie turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

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Real Time Customer Feedback....

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer...

"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$125' ...

If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames, and the lenses will be $75'...

If his eyes still don't flutter, you add ...'Each.'

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Women's Lament:
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and hetero***ual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have
no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with
money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
hetero***ual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are hetero***ual,
somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and
have some money and thank God are hetero***ual, are shy
and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
interest in us when we take the initiative.
And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING ***???

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The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe the "not guilty" verdict he'd just heard.
Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The DA responded, still incredulous, "I could understand that.... but all twelve of you?"

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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

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