Happy Heaven (Jokes - English Version)

If Operating Systems Were Airlines
DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits
the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, jump off...
Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the
same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions
about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need
to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above
the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.
OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective
passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just
departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline
personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each
passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe
until mid-2005. Maybe longer

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A Taliban was sitting in a **** when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"

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A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

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A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper. The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287. He wrote another letter back:
"If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper."

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Angel At The Pearly Gates
A young man died and went to Heaven, where he was the third person in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete was taking a break, so an angel was admitting the newly arrived into Heaven. Trying to get a little more strict with the admission policies, the angel said they each had to state their former occupations and yearly salaries.
The first man in line said, "I was an actor and I earned $1 million last year." The angel ushered him in.
The woman behind him said, "I earned $150,000 last year as an attorney." The angel thought about it for a moment, then ushered her in as well.
The young man moved up to the gates. "I only earned $8,000 last year..." he began.
"Oh," the angel interrupted, "and what subject did you teach?"

​

Some Things You Can't Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the
bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm . . " the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . .
Some things you just can't explain."

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The Golden Urinals
The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."
She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar.
"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: "Are your urinals covered in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender said, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

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Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool,"
said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

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After undergoing a complicated intestinal operation, a man kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. His nurse, knowing that there was no reason his head should hurt, and concerned that he might be suffering from some post-operation shock, spoke to the doctor about the man's pain.
"Oh, don't worry about that, nurse," the doctor said. "His head does hurt. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

:: Giáo Hoàng ::

Fools
A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."

:: Giáo Hoàng ::