Help me to correct my essay...

Please take a look at the essay below. I really need your help. Please help me.
----------------
Due to the event of Vietnam joining into the World Trade Organization (WTO), Vietnam stock market is more and more developed lead to investors?T high benefit and getting an unpredictable money. Therefore, I realize there are three ways of using this amount of money from those who are nearby me such as: luxury spending, banking saving, and investing in some business.

The first way is spending luxury. The big amount of money earning suddenly and fast makes them confused to decide their spending plan. They start to buy luxury and unnecessary things in life. As my colleaguê?Ts case, for example, he has earned a big amount of money from selling his favor company?Ts stock. He bought an expensive vehicle such as a Honda PS valued 6,500 USD, a cell phone Nokia N92 valued 650 USD, and so on to show off himself though his current vehicle and cell phone are still new and operate properly. Actually, spending luxurious money this way, his money was decreased day by day.

The second way is banking saving. In order to keep this unexpected money, some people decided the way to save money in bank. Therefore, it has been controlled them to prevent buying unnecessary things and helped them to earn extra money by monthly interest. My friend, for example, earned 100,000,000 VND from selling stock. She saved money in bank with 0.7 per cent interest rate per month. Thus, she could earn more income valued 700,000 VND per month. However, this earning amount is still small to compare with other business investment but it is very safety and useful.

The third way is to invest on other business. My manager, for example, from the unpredictable earning money, he has analyzed and selected some stock on market to re-invest, buy some new initial apartment, and invest money in real estate. Due to this prior earning money, his capital is more increased. Up to now, he has bought a new Chevrolet Captiva vehicle valued 35,000 USD and one apartment without using the initial earning money. However, it takes many risks.

In conclusion, by using your big lucky amount of money to spend on luxury, saving in bank or invest on other business, you should consider and find out the best way to use this. This is your own money and you have full right to use it. However, you should control and keep increasing your money in spite of using unmethodical it.
---------------
What is the suitable title for the essay? I can''''t make up it yet. Any ideas suggested? I''''m looking forward to hear from you soon.


Được langquentinhxua sửa chữa / chuyển vào 22:25 ngày 04/08/2007

First : Where''''s your topic?
Second:I''''ve checked your first pharagraph.What''''s unpredictabled money and unexpected money?
Im from Vnese and i cant understand your writing so how the abroad teacher can understand?
In general: your sentence is very long and abstract. You can use the other way presenting it directly and clearly.Its my advise.
Được sharpblade sửa chữa / chuyển vào 21:40 ngày 06/08/2007

Bài kia dài quá thôi correct tạm bài này vậy bác blade đừng rận em
Được fatblackchicken sửa chữa / chuyển vào 22:00 ngày 06/08/2007

Excuse me!Are you here to boast somethings?Or you''''re the author of this essay?
I''''m not a teacher but i''''m always glad to help other people. So why do you help me to correct the essay than watching my short note?However i always appreciate your help.
Được sharpblade sửa chữa / chuyển vào 16:17 ngày 07/08/2007

mọi người giúp em sửa cái essay này và đánh giá điểm cho em nhé. Thanks nhiều
people nowadays work hard to buy more thing. This has made our lives generally comfortable but many tra***ional values and customs have been lost and this is a pity
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is undeniable that the average person?Ts life has changed enormously during the last few decades owing to the huge impact of modern technology and economic development. What some people believe is that many tra***ional values and customs have been lost in our generally more comfortable lives. From my everyday experiences and observations, I will give a both-side look at this statement.
It can be argued that some changes in our lives have had negative impact on not only the nature but also the human environment. For example, the value of family was very important in the past but on these days, people seem to have more things and more entertainment which cannot compensate for the loss of family relationships. One reason for this loss is that families spend less time together. As a result of this, crime rates and divorce rates have increased and peole have lost any sense of community.
On the other hand, the high standard of living enables us to remain and improve tra***ional values and customs, even creat new ones. As evidence of this, people nowadays have many opportunities to attend school for personal development. Education, therefore, is highly respected and becomes a great value to any person. Furthermore, we can go over the world for volunteer social activities and humanity. The world seems to be smaller for sharing and helping people.
In conclusion, I think everything has both two sides. There is evidence *****ggest that some of the changes we have experienced in the modern world has affected some tra***ional values in a negative way, especially in term of the families. But it is clear that when we enjoy our comfortable life, we also creat new good values for our better world.

I cant consider your mark because i''m not a teacher.
First: You need to look carefully at the main point " people work hard " - i don''t see that point.
Second: The 3rd paragraph said about the "high standard of living" but it''s still need some supporting ideas to prove your "both-side look".You''ve talked only about the good side.And the bad side is?
Hey your grammar and structures are good! But you need to produce more supporting ideas.
And last: I hope you will be successful!
Được sharpblade sửa chữa / chuyển vào 18:34 ngày 08/08/2007
Được sharpblade sửa chữa / chuyển vào 18:55 ngày 08/08/2007