Ivan The Fool - Leo Tolstoi

CHAPTER XI.
The old devil, having finished with the second brother, went to
Ivan the Fool. This time he disguised himself as a General, the
same as in the case of Simeon, and, appearing before Ivan, said:
"Get an army together. It is disgraceful for the ruler of a
kingdom to be without an army. You call your people to assemble,
and I will form them into a fine large army."
Ivan took the supposed General''s advice, and said: "Well, you may
form my people into an army, but you must also teach them to sing
the songs I like."
The old devil then went through Ivan''s kingdom to secure recruits
for the army, saying: "Come, shave your heads [the heads of
recruits are always shaved in Russia] and I will give each of you
a red hat and plenty of vodki" (whiskey).
At this the fools only laughed, and said: "We can have all the
vodki we want, for we distill it ourselves; and of hats, our
little girls make all we want, of any color we please, and with
handsome fringes."
Thus was the devil foiled in securing recruits for his army; so
he returned to Ivan and said: "Your fools will not volunteer to
be soldiers. It will therefore be necessary to force them."
"Very well," replied Ivan, "you may use force if you want to."
The old devil then announced that all the fools must become
soldiers, and those who refused, Ivan would punish with death.
The fools went to the General; and said: "You tell us that Ivan
will punish with death all those who refuse to become soldiers,
but you have omitted to state what will be done with us soldiers.
We have been told that we are only to be killed."
"Yes, that is true," was the reply.
The fools on hearing this became stubborn and refused to go.
"Better kill us now if we cannot avoid death, but we will not
become soldiers," they declared.
"Oh! you fools," said the old devil, "soldiers may and may not be
killed; but if you disobey Ivan''s orders you will find certain
death at his hands."
The fools remained absorbed in thought for some time and finally
went to Ivan to question him in regard to the matter.
On arriving at his house they said: "A General came to us with an
order from you that we were all to become soldiers, and if we
refused you were to punish us with death. Is it true?"
Ivan began to laugh heartily on hearing this, and said: "Well,
how I alone can punish you with death is something I cannot
understand. If I was not a fool myself I would be able to explain
it to you, but as it is I cannot."
"Well, then, we will not go," they said.
"Very well," replied Ivan, "you need not become soldiers unless
you wish to."
The old devil, seeing his schemes about to prove failures, went
to the ruler of Tarakania and became his friend, saying: "Let us
go and conquer Ivan''s kingdom. He has no money, but he has
plenty of cattle, provisions, and various other things that would
be useful to us."
The Tarakanian ruler gathered his large army together, and
equipping it with cannons and rifles, crossed the boundary line
into Ivan''s kingdom. The people went to Ivan and said: "The
ruler of Tarakania is here with a large army to fight us."
"Let them come," replied Ivan.
The Tarakanian ruler, after crossing the line into Ivan''s
kingdom, looked in vain for soldiers to fight against; and
waiting some time and none appearing, he sent his own warriors to
attack the villages.
They soon reached the first village, which they began to plunder.
The fools of both ***es looked calmly on, offering not the least
resistance when their cattle and provisions were being taken from
them. On the contrary, they invited the soldiers to come and
live with them, saying: "If you, dear friends, find it is
difficult to earn a living in your own land, come and live with
us, where everything is plentiful."
The soldiers decided to remain, finding the people happy and
prosperous, with enough surplus food *****pply many of their
neighbors. They were surprised at the cordial greetings which
they everywhere received, and, returning to the ruler of
Tarakania, they said: "We cannot fight with these people--take us
to another place. We would much prefer the dangers of actual
warfare to this unsoldierly method of subduing the village."
The Tarakanian ruler, becoming enraged, ordered the soldiers to
destroy the whole kingdom, plunder the villages, burn the houses
and provisions, and slaughter the cattle.
"Should you disobey my orders," said he, "I will have every one
of you executed."
The soldiers, becoming frightened, started to do as they were
ordered, but the fools wept bitterly, offering no resistance,
men, women, and children all joining in the general
lamentation.
"Why do you treat us so cruelly?" they cried to the invading
soldiers. "Why do you wish to destroy everything we have? If
you have more need of these things than we have, why not take
them with you and leave us in peace?"
The soldiers, becoming saddened with remorse, refused further to
pursue their path of destruction--the entire army scattering in
many directions.

CHAPTER XII.
The old devil, failing to ruin Ivan''s kingdom with soldiers,
transformed himself into a nobleman, dressed exquisitely, and
became one of Ivan''s subjects, with the intention of compassing
the downfall of his kingdom--as he had done with that of Tarras.
The "nobleman" said to Ivan: "I desire to teach you wisdom and to
render you other service. I will build you a palace and
factories."
"Very well," said Ivan; "you may live with us."
The next day the "nobleman" appeared on the Square with a sack of
gold in his hand and a plan for building a house, saying to the
people: "You are living like pigs, and I am going to teach you
how to live decently. You are to build a house for me according
to this plan. I will superintend the work myself, and will pay
you for your services in gold," showing them at the same time the
contents of his sack.
The fools were amused. They had never before seen any money.
Their business was conducted entirely by exchange of farm
products or by hiring themselves out to work by the day in return
for whatever they most needed. They therefore glanced at the
gold pieces with amazement, and said, "What nice toys they would
be to play with!" In return for the gold they gave their
services and brought the "nobleman" the produce of their farms.
The old devil was overjoyed as he thought, "Now my enterprise is
on a fair road and I will be able to ruin the Fool--as I did his
brothers."
The fools obtained sufficient gold to distribute among the entire
community, the women and young girls of the village wearing much
of it as ornaments, while to the children they gave some pieces
to play with on the streets.
When they had secured all they wanted they stopped working and
the "noblemen" did not get his house more than half finished. He
had neither provisions nor cattle for the year, and ordered the
people to bring him both. He directed them also to go on with
the building of the palace and factories. He promised to pay
them liberally in gold for everything they did. No one responded
to his call--only once in awhile a little boy or girl would call
to exchange eggs for his gold.
Thus was the "nobleman" deserted, and, having nothing to eat, he
went to the village to procure some provisions for his dinner.
He went to one house and offered gold in return for a chicken,
but was refused, the owner saying: "We have enough of that
already and do not want any more."
He next went to a fish-woman to buy some herring, when she, too,
refused to accept his gold in return for fish, saying: "I do not
wish it, my dear man; I have no children to whom I can give it to
play with. I have three pieces which I keep as curiosities
only."
He then went to a peasant to buy bread, but he also refused to
accept the gold. "I have no use for it," said he, "unless you
wish to give it for Christ''s sake; then it will be a different
matter, and I will tell my baba [old woman] to cut a piece of
bread for you."
The old devil was so angry that he ran away from the peasant,
spitting and cursing as he went.
Not only did the offer to accept in the name of Christ anger him,
but the very mention of the name was like the thrust of a knife
in his throat.
The old devil did not succeed in getting any bread, and in his
efforts to secure other articles of food he met with the same
failure. The people had all the gold they wanted and what pieces
they had they regarded as curiosities. They said to the old
devil: "If you bring us something else in exchange for food, or
come to ask for Christ''s sake, we will give you all you want."
But the old devil had nothing but gold, and was too lazy to work;
and being unable to accept anything for Christ''s sake, he was
greatly enraged.
"What else do you want?" he said. "I will give you gold with
which you can buy everything you want, and you need labor no
longer."
But the fools would not accept his gold, nor listen to him. Thus
the old devil was obliged to go to sleep hungry.
Tidings of this con***ion of affairs soon reached the ears of
Ivan. The people went to him and said: "What shell we do? This
nobleman appeared among us; he is well dressed; he wishes to eat
and drink of the best, but is unwilling to work, and does not beg
for food for Christ''s sake. He only offers every one gold
pieces. At first we gave him everything he wanted, taking the
gold pieces in exchange just as curiosities; but now we have
enough of them and refuse to accept any more from him. What
shallwe do with him? he may die of hunger!"
Ivan heard all they had to say, and told them to employ him as a
shepherd, taking turns in doing so.
The old devil saw no other way out of the difficulty and was
obliged *****bmit.
It soon came the old devil''s turn to go to Ivan''s house. He went
there to dinner and found Ivan''s dumb sister preparing the meal.
She was often cheated by the lazy people, who while they did not
work, yet ate up all the gruel. But she learned to know the lazy
people from the con***ion of their hands. Those with great welts
on their hands she invited first to the table, and those having
smooth white hands had to take what was left.
The old devil took a seat at the table, but the dumb girl, taking
his hands, looked at them, and seeing them white and clean, and
with long nails, swore at him and put him from the table.
Ivan''s wife said to the old devil: "You must excuse my
sister-in-law; she will not allow any one to sit at the table
whose hands have not been hardened by toil, so you will have to
wait until the dinner is over and then you can have what is left.
With it you must be satisfied."
The old devil was very much offended that he was made to eat with
"pigs," as he expressed it, and complained to Ivan, saying: "The
foolish law you have in your kingdom, that all persons must work,
is surely the invention of fools. People who work for a living
are not always forced to labor with their hands. Do you think
wise men labor so?"
Ivan replied: "Well, what do fools know about it? We all work
with our hands."
"And for that reason you are fools," replied the devil. "I can
teach you how to use your brains, and you will find such labor
more beneficial."
Ivan was surprised at hearing this, and said:
"Well, it is perhaps not without good reason that we are called
fools."
"It is not so easy to work with the brain," the old devil said.
"You will not give me anything to eat because my hands have not
the appearance of being toil-hardened, but you must understand
that it is much harder to do brain-work, and sometimes the head
feels like bursting with the effort it is forced to make."
"Then why do you not select some light work that you can perform
with your hands?" Ivan asked.
The devil said: "I torment myself with brain-work because I have
pity for you fools, for, if I did not torture myself, people like
you would remain fools for all eternity. I have exercised my
brain a great deal during my life, and now I am able to teach
you."
Ivan was greatly surprised and said: "Very well; teach us, so
that when our hands are tired we can use our heads to replace
them."
The devil promised to instruct the people, and Ivan announced the
fact throughout his kingdom.
The devil was willing to teach all those who came to him how to
use the head instead of the hands, so as to produce more with the
former than with the latter.
In Ivan''s kingdom there was a high tower, which was reached by a
long, narrow ladder leading up to the balcony, and Ivan told the
old devil that from the top of the tower every one could see him.
So the old devil went up to the balcony and addressed the people.
The fools came in great crowds to hear what the old devil had to
say, thinking that he really meant to tell them how to work with
the head. But the old devil only told them in words what to do,
and did not give them any practical instruction. He said that
men working only with their hands could not make a living. The
fools did not understand what he said to them and looked at him
in amazement, and then departed for their daily work.
The old devil addressed them for two days from the balcony, and
at the end of that time, feeling hungry, he asked the people to
bring him some bread. But they only laughed at him and told him
if he could work better with his head than with his hands he
could also find bread for himself. He addressed the people for
yet another day, and they went to hear him from curiosity, but
soon left him to return to their work.
Ivan asked, "Well, did the nobleman work with his head?"
"Not yet," they said; "so far he has only talked."
One day, while the old devil was standing on the balcony, he
became weak, and, falling down, hurt his head against a pole.
Seeing this, one of the fools ran to Ivan''s wife and said, "The
gentleman has at last commenced to work with his head."
She ran to the field to tell Ivan, who was much surprised, and
said, "Let us go and see him."
He turned his horses'' heads in the direction of the tower, where
the old devil remained weak from hunger and was still suspended
from the pole, with his body swaying back and forth and his head
striking the lower part of the pole each time it came in contact
with it. While Ivan was looking, the old devil started down the
steps head-first--as they supposed, to count them.
"Well," said Ivan, "he told the truth after all--that sometimes
from this kind of work the head bursts. This is far worse than
welts on the hands."
The old devil fell to the ground head-foremost. Ivan approached
him, but at that instant the ground opened and the devil
disappeared, leaving only a hole to show where he had gone.
Ivan scratched his head and said: "See here; such nastiness!
This is yet another devil. He looks like the father of the
little ones."
Ivan still lives, and people flock to his kingdom. His brothers
come to him and he feeds them.
To every one who comes to him and says, "Give us food," he
replies: "Very well; you are welcome. We have plenty of
everything."
There is only one unchangeable custom observed in Ivan''s kingdom:
The man with toil-hardened hands is always given a seat at the
table, while the possessor of soft white hands must be contented
with what is left.