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Joke of the day

Chủ đề trong 'Anh (English Club)' bởi CXR, 04/03/2003.

  1. 1 người đang xem box này (Thành viên: 0, Khách: 1)
  1. cleopatra18

    cleopatra18 Thành viên mới

    Tham gia ngày:
    19/02/2003
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    162
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    Bill Gates dies, GOD says to him,"You have your choice of going to Heaven or going to Hell." Bill Gates first visits Hell, when he arrives, he sees that everyone is happy. The sun is shining,the hills are covered green with grass, people are singing and dancing, children are laughing and playing. "This looks like a nice place to spend eternity", Bill says. Bill then visits Heaven and finds that the people are very unhappy. Some of the people there are being tortured, others are hard at work lifting and moving heavy boulders. There is nothing but fire and brimstone for as far as the eye can see. "Screw this",he says,"I'm going back to Hell!" But when he goes back to Hell, there is fire and brimstone,people are being tortured,while others move and lift boulders. Just then, Bill sees SATAN and hurries over to him. "Hey," Bill asks,"what happened? The last time I was here everyone was so happy." SATAN says, "Oh, that was just our screen saver."
    Cleopatra
  2. cleopatra18

    cleopatra18 Thành viên mới

    Tham gia ngày:
    19/02/2003
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    WIFE 1.0 UPGRADE
    The following is a letter from a computer user writing to Helpdesk:
    Dear Sir
    Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In ad***ion, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
    Jonathan
    Cleopatra
  3. cleopatra18

    cleopatra18 Thành viên mới

    Tham gia ngày:
    19/02/2003
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    E-Mail Errors..
    It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
    be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
    Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
    streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
    business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
    When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
    quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
    written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
    memory.
    Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
    instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
    At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
    on the screen:
    Dearest Wife,
    Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
    tomorrow.
    PS. Sure is hot down here.
    Cleopatra
  4. lonesome

    lonesome LSVH, 7xSG Moderator

    Tham gia ngày:
    17/04/2002
    Bài viết:
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    11
    A man bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red-and-blue light behind him.
    "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes, " he said to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?" he thought, and finally pulled over.
    The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pullover, " he said. "I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for driving at that speed - that I haven't heard before- you can go!"
    "Last week my wife ran off with a cop, " the man said" and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
    "Have a nice night, " said the officer.
  5. lonesome

    lonesome LSVH, 7xSG Moderator

    Tham gia ngày:
    17/04/2002
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    7.018
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    11
    A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
    "What are you so happy about?" asks the Barman.
    "Well I'll tell you, " replies the ugly bloke, "you know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
    Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did every thing, me on top sometimes, her on top!" "Fantastic, " exclaimed the barman, "you lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
    "I don't know, I never found her head. "
  6. lonesome

    lonesome LSVH, 7xSG Moderator

    Tham gia ngày:
    17/04/2002
    Bài viết:
    7.018
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    11
    A blonde woman went out to her mailbox and looked in it, closed it again, and then went back into her house. A few minutes later, she went out and looked in the mailbox again, then closed it and went back inside, once again empty-handed. After several more trips, a watchful neighbor raking his grass commented, "You must be expecting a very important letter today!" "No, " the blonde woman answered, looking puzzled, "Actually I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail!"
  7. lonesome

    lonesome LSVH, 7xSG Moderator

    Tham gia ngày:
    17/04/2002
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    11
    A Mom's Dictionary
    -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
    ADULTS: Group of people Mom longs to communicate with after several hours of talking in small words about topics likes "who touched whom first"
    AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr. -old to eat strained beets.
    ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child- sized creature cleaning up after itself.
    APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
    BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
    BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
    BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids does things, which can't be explained logically.
    BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
    CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
    CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
    CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
    COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name.
    COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
    DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
    DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
    DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
    DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR. "
    EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
    EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
    EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING. "
    ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
    "EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
    EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerves which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
    FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
    FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
    FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
    GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
    GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
    GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
    HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
    HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.
    HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
    HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
    HOMEBREAD BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
    ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
    INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
    "I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.
    JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
    JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
    "JEEEEEEEEZ!" : Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"
    JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
    JUNK: Dad's stuff.
    KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goo kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
    KISS: Mom medicine.
    LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
    LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of . 15 cents.
    LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mâché volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
    LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"
    MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. , which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp. "
    MAYBE: No.
    MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the ad***ion of sugar and cocoa.
    "MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
    MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.
    NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
    PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
    OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
    OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
    OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
    PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
    PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
    PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
    PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
    QUIET: A State of household serenity, which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
    RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing. "
    REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-con***ioner for the kitchen.
    ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting. SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse re-enactments of famous historic events.
    SCREAMING: Home P. A. system.
    SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom
    SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
    SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.
    SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
    SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, fly and even pneumonia.
    SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric who attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
    TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs. "
    TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
    "THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
    TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"
    TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
    TROUBLE: Area of non-specific space a child can always be sure to be in.
    UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
    UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
    UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"
    VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
    VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of **** people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy. "
    WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
    WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
    "WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
    XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing notes in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
    XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS"
    YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.
    "YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"
    ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.
    ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
  8. longhoang

    longhoang Thành viên mới

    Tham gia ngày:
    21/01/2002
    Bài viết:
    25
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    0

    Wedding Hells
    A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. ?oBut officer,? the man began, ?oI can explain.?
    ?oQuiet!? snapped the officer. ?oI?Tm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.?
    ?oBut, officer, I just wanted to say,?
    ?oAnd I said be quiet! You?Tre going to jail!?
    A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, ?oLucky for you, the chief?Ts at his daughter?Ts wedding so hê?Tll be in a good mood when he gets back.?
    ?oDon?Tt count on it,? answered the guy in the cell. ?oI?Tm the groom.?

    Golden Dragon
  9. longhoang

    longhoang Thành viên mới

    Tham gia ngày:
    21/01/2002
    Bài viết:
    25
    Đã được thích:
    0
    E-vil
    A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.
    She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."
    She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:
    "Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.
    Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."
    The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."
    Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."
    A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.
    Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later."
    There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.
    A new page appears.
    It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

    Golden Dragon
  10. CXR

    CXR Thành viên mới

    Tham gia ngày:
    03/03/2003
    Bài viết:
    1.073
    Đã được thích:
    24
    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
    "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
    The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
    "Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"

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