Joke of the day

My Dog Named ***
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine ***. Now, *** has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for ***. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had *** since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have *** at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But *** has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around ***." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having *** at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for ***. He said that every room in the motel is a place for ***. I said, "You don't understand. ... *** keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered *** in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have *** in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have *** on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had *** before I was married but *** left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night *** ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for ***." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "*** has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that *** isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
I want to be in another place.
I hate when you say you don't understand.

Understanding Marketing
My Dog Named ***
The above jokes are real funny, guys Thanks for the good laugh

Bill Gates story
1. Bill Gates earn US$250 every SECOND, that's about
US$20 Million a DAY and US$7.8 Billion a YEAR!
2. If he drop a thousand dollar, he won't even bother
to pick it up coz by the 4 second he pick it, he
already earn it back.
3. US's national debt is about 5.62 trillion, if Bill
Gates will pay the debt by himself; he will finish it
in less than 10 years.
4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still
left US$5 for his pocket money.
5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in US.
If he don't drink and eat, and keep his annual income
US$30 million up, he'll have towait for 277 years to
become as rich as Bill Gates now.
>
6. If Bill Gates is a country, he is the 37th richest
country on earth, or US 13th biggest company, even
bigger than IBM
7. If exchange all Bill Gate's money to US$1, you can
make a road from earth to moon, 14 times back and
forth. But you have to make that road non-stop for
1,400 years, and use a total 713 BOEING 747 plane to
transport all the money.
>
8. Bill Gates is 40 this year. If we assume that he
still can live for 35 years, he has to spend US$6.78
Million per day to finish his money before go to
heaven.
9. BUT!!! If Microsoft Windows' users can claim US$1
for every time their computers hang because of
Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will bankrupt in 3
years.
Đại Ca

When Bill Clinton completed five years of his Presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He so instructed Hillary, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released, and Clinton was pleased.
But, within a few days of release, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called Hillary and ordered her to investigate the matter.
Hillary checked at several post offices and then reported the problem to Clinton. She said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"
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Four Men and Their Dogs
Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."
T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working con***ions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
I want to be in another place.
I hate when you say you don't understand.

Why Most Professions Are Dirty
The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

I want to be in another place.
I hate when you say you don't understand.

Bill ...
A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face, some even look a little frightened and Clinton isn't in the room. "What's the matter" he asked
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news" "What's the bad news?"
"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war, that may go nuclear." "Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"
"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra."
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"
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The Difference Between Men and Women
RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour
her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled
'All Men Are Idiots' Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called
to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate
you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there's
always a chance for us.'
This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that
offer courses to help men get over this need.
LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know
football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about
women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: ***. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they
never lie.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females
can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES: Men's BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of the items.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress
up for weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul
and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
reruns of old American sitcoms.
MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety
of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature
and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a
man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French
cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age
of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with
toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly
and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's.
Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve
****tails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at
least six 'D' batteries to operate.
MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn't really
matter.
JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away
with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look
like a lounge singer named Ramone.
TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs,
commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a
boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the
Doritos' or Got anymore beer?'
RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word
to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling
together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man
excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about
to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"
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Another Bush's joke ..
A British doctor says, "Medicine in may country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says: "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately, millions began looking for work."
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"
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You thought ..
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend:"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think."
Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."
So they asked him: "so what do you have?"
And the old man said: "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but was wrong."
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"
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