Joke of the day

A survey was conducted by the United Nation (UN) world-wide. The only question asked was, õ?oWould you please give your most honest opinion about a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?õ?
The survey was a HUGE failure.
Why???????
Because:
ù,Đ In Africa they did not know what õ?ofoodõ? meant.
ù,Đ In Western Europe they did not know what õ?oshortageõ? meant.
ù,Đ In Eastern Europe they did not know what õ?oopinionõ? meant.
ù,Đ In the Middle East they did not know what õ?osolutionõ? meant.
ù,Đ In Asia they did not know what õ?ohonestõ? meant.
ù,Đ And in the USA they did not know what õ?othe rest of the worldõ? meant.

Jokes about Misuse of English
1. A young man comes before the Customs agent.
A: "State your citizenship."
B:"American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."
B: "I sed American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you I"m American."
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it. Make a sentence with the following colors: green, pink and yellow."
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-laws house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and sed yellow!"
2.Two old men were sitting next to each other on the London subway (tube). Their hearing wasn't so good.
One says, "Is this Wembley?"
"No," the other says, "It's Thursday."
The first replies, "No thanks, I already had a drink."
3.The day of the oral exam:
Teacher: Are you nervous?
Student: No, I am not. I am single.
Teacher: Is this your pencil?
Student: Yes, I am a pencil.
Teacher: What are you wearing?
Student: I am fat.
4.Student to teacher," Are 'pants' singular or plural?"
Teacher, "They're singular on top and plural on the bottom."
Loving you and being loved by you keep me stay alive, Anh
Được ThuongBrian sửa chữa / chuyển vào 15:08 ngày 29/06/2003

The Chinese Detective...

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Chu Ung Gum, to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree--look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.
alleykat

Sorry, I just have to post this one.
An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to
grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked
to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world.
Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She
asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he
had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The fairy turned the cat
into the most handsome man on earth.
The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.
After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and
asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

​

To Fall in Love with Somebody
GET IT?
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Bush''s brain
George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that''s normal, isn''t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That''s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn''t anything right, while on the right side there isn''t anything left."
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"
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Thoughts to Ponder
Time will stop for cheap watches.
Family problems are all relative.
The best cure for world hunger is food.
You''ll never hear a mime talk trash.
Triple X movies are overrated.
It''s nice to be sensitive towards irritating losers.
Ritalin could help photographers focus.
People who sit under trees are kinda shady.
Coughing up a lung would be cool if it was a trick.
Empty handed, fully loaded.
Studying physics could cause motion sickness.
The sun will come up tommorow. It will also go down.
A penny for your thoughts is a highway robbery.
The sound of silence is deafening.
Porn actors are usually up-and-coming.
Helping verbs don''t need a pat on the back.
Good gags prevent people from talking.
People with box-shaped hair have square roots.
Looking on the bright side of life causes skin cancer.
Throwing out wristwatches is a waste of time.
Matches made in heaven aren''t fire-proof.
It would be ironic to die in the living room.
Good things come to those who order them.
When you pay attention, you can''t get a refund.
Good friends are hard to find when they are camoflouged.
You can get sick of hanging out with a hypochondriac.
Most colleges except losers.
You should treat *** like driving -- head first.
If the Devil went public it would be a hot stock.
Olympic runners are easy to track around.
Fake orgasms are better than real celibacy.
When push comes to shove, run away.
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"
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Posted by unisom
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don''''t talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?" "Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then" says the little girl, "You''''d better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."
As we go on, we remember all the times we had together
As our lives change, come whatever
We will still be FRIENDS FOREVER

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I''m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I''m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal''s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to The principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the con***ions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, Delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal''s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal''s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some ''Who am I'' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you''re bored. The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I''m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an ''F'' and ends in ''K'' that means a lot of excitement?" Harry: "Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

​

What Women Say (And What They Really Mean) (Part II)
I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of every banjo-playing geek on "Hee Haw.")
There''s a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)
I''m not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork I have ever laid eyes upon.)
My life is too complicated right now. (I''m waiting for a rich sugar daddy.)
I''ve got a boyfriend. (I''d rather stay home alone.)
I don''t date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn''t even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
It''s not you, it''s me. (It''s not me, it''s you.)
I''m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and as my job has got to be better than dating you.)
I''m celibate. (One look at you and I''m ready to swear off men altogether.)
Let''s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and fall in love with.)
What Men Say (And What They Really Mean)
I think of you as a sister. (You''re ugly.)
There''s a slight difference in our ages. (You''re ugly.)
I''m not attracted to you in that way. (You''re ugly.)
My life is too complicated right now. (You''re ugly.)
I''ve got a girlfriend. (You''re ugly.)
I don''t date women where I work. (You''re ugly.)
It''s not you, it''s me. (You''re ugly.)
I''m concentrating on my career. (You''re ugly.)
I''m celibate. (You''re ugly.)
Let''s be friends. (You''re ugly.)
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"