Joke of the day

George Bernard Shaw sent Churchill a note inviting him to the first night performance of Saint Joan. He enclosed two tickets, "One for yourself and one for a friend, if you have one." Expressing his regret at being unable to attend, Churchill replied, asking if it would be possible to have tickets for the second night, "if there is one."

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen''s voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this
would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his
colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King''s chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the
Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold
coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily
agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen''s brassiere while she bathed. Soon
after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the
Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as
the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the
Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon
Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it
into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately
on the Queen''s voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen''s itching
was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and
touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio
the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his
obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn''t have cared
less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this
matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the Same
itching powder into the King''s loincloth. The King immediately
summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
The Moral of the Story: Pay your bills
 

itching powder into the King''''s loincloth. The King immediately
summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
The Moral of the Story: Pay your bills
he...he... more please! I just can''t wait to read it! Thanks a lot! Post more like this, will you???
Right decision, to be true to myself, and FOREVER HATE YOU!

That''s classic! ^^
Good on the Physician!
"Gomen nasai....demo..A****erui Sayuri-san.."

Eeeeerrrrrrr.... is it actually a funny story or.... a moral lesson???? Uhmmmmmmz it apparently carries an.... impolite content but I''m gonna break the rule and leave it alive anyway. It''ll definitely bring laughter to a great number of people I know
So close no matter how far... I have you in my heart and nothing else matters...

The Oxford Dictionary''s latest definition of the following words:
Cigarette :
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture :
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Divorce :
Future tense of marriage.
Conference :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears :
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power
Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room :
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn :
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee :
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb :
An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat :
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist :
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser :
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father :
A banker provided by nature.
Criminal :
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
 

the definitions are not wrong if i''m not saying they are well fit for some situations. Thanks for sưu tầm.

HOSPITAL GHOSTSA modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which left him with an upset stomach. Upon making several "false alarm" trips to the bathroom, he dismissed his latest urge as another false alarm and stayed in his bed. Suddenly, he had an attack of diarrhea and was so embarrassed that he didn''t know what to do. He frantically jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
In the meantime, a drunk man was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms violently, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile by his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

  Pain Makes Man Think
  Though Makes Me Wise
  Wisdom Makes Life Endurable

so boring..he he he
 

In my family portrait...we look pretty happy..!!!..

Blondie
A man taking the elevator to his office when it stops at the 2nd floor.
A blond walked in and greeted him "T.G.I.F",
he smiled and replied back "S.H.I.T",
she thought for 10 sec and said "T.G.I.F",
he then again says "S.H.I.T"
the blond confused and looks at him and repeat "T.G.I.F...you know? Thank God It''s Friday?".
he looked and said to her "Sorry Honey It''s Thursday".