Joke of the day

Osama and Bush Have a Dog Fight
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"
Đôi dòng tản mạn về du học.
Được CXR sửa chữa / chuyển vào 11:36 ngày 11/04/2003

Gee....some joke for you
Brotha Tim told me about a time he and three friends took off to an amusement part back when they were in high school.
In the middle of the afternoon, everyone except Jim and Judi wanted to ride a ride that had a long line. Jim eyed Judi with riding something *else* in mind. So they begged off to go to the car to, "Uhh, get something. We'll meet you back here . . ."
At the end of the day when they all piled back into the car, they noticed the passenger seat was pushed all the way back. They asked Jim and Judi why and Jim laughed, then said, "Oh, Judi gave me a blow job."
Everyone laughed at the "joke" and someone moved the seat forward. About 30 seconds later, though, Judi's face turned beet red and she started screaming at Jim. "WHY did you tell them what we were doing???"
Jim calmly replied. "I didn't. YOU just did."
An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.
Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.
"I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick".
"You swindler," said the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size".
"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad".
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.

What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Louisianna? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked impressed.

"Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?"
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this!"
She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night."
The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"
Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks
out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.
He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
The man says, "No, he's out playing golf."
Morris says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."
"Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz."
He says, "Speaking!"
At the White House press conference: "President Bush, do you
have any proof that Iraq posesses the weapons of mass
destruction?"
"Yes, we saved the sales receipts."

​

Fifteen minutes after the Titanic sank, Amanpreet and Jon find
themselves hugging a plank from the great ship. The water is
freezing, sharks are swimming nearby, and, of course, the Titanic is long gone.
"Oh well," says Amanpreet, "It could have been worse."
"Worse? How could it have been worse?" screams Jon.
"We could have bought return tickets!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody
nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been
in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up,
he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And,
you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"
I wrote your name in the sand, but the waves took it away.
I wrote your name in the sky, but the wind blew it away.
So I write your name in my heart, where no one can take it away and it'll be forever...

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem," the doctor said. "He needs a change."
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
No Mercy!

Ur story is cool!!! What a father!
Now my turn.... it's damn funny!
An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little
antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a
mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.
Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's
authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the
antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.
"I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the
genuine skull of Saint Patrick".
"You swindler," said the American. "You sold me that ten
years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not
even the same size".
"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of
Saint Patrick when he was a lad".
I wrote your name in the sand, but the waves took it away.
I wrote your name in the sky, but the wind blew it away.
So I write your name in my heart, where no one can take it away and it'll be forever...

Driving me crazy ...
Traffic was heavy on the service road to the airport. Our bus driver signaled to change lanes so he could overtake a slow-moving car. Just as he got ready to pass, the driver of the car put her arm out the window indicating she was going to move left. Our driver drew back and waited for her to change lanes but she didn't. After a minute she pulled her arm back in.
When we tried to pass her a second time, the woman again held out her hand only to withdraw it a minute later. "C'mon, lady, make up your mind," our driver mumbled. Finally, after four false starts, we sped past her car. I looked down to see the woman painting her fingemails. As she finished each nail, she waved her arm out the window to let the polish dry.
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"

Mafia Application Form

Whatza u name______________________________________________
U Hage________
Whatza U howaz numba______________________
U Streeta________________________
Whatza U bag? Hitman_____ Loanna arranger_____ Prostituit_____
Izza U girl or boy_____ ( jeste checka one)
Putta downa wearra worgga now__________________________________
Wazza U inna de bigouse?_____ For whazza inna for_____________________
I shoota one guize_____I keedenap somebodys_____ Protecshun raggets_____ Udder_____
U wanna be de bigga shotza somedaze? yesse_____ no______
U likka garlic_____ pizza_____ salami_____ spaghetti_____ calamari_____ girlze_____ boyze____
U no ow to makkea de cement shooze________
U drivea de car_______
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Widde U antry U gonna getta somading u reely gonna like:
1 pr. darke glassez , 1 kisse (later onna u cheek) , 1 blacke shirt widde tie , 1 hat widda blaka brim , 1 pr. pointz shooz , 1 pr cement shooze( if U foolz around), 1 appy face button , free berial
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name of muva__________________________
Name of futha___________________________
Make of auto: Cadillac_____ Continental_____ Imperial_____ Lincoln____ Other_____
Is auto fiananced_______ repo date_______ stolen________
How many other own it________
Marital status: common law_____ shacked up_____ both_____ other_____
Income: theft $_____, relief $_____, other $_____, welfare $_____, pimping $_____
Cheek machines uza opertae: crowbar____ pinball_____ gun_____ strait razor_____ other_____
Abilities: Gov't employee_____ Demonstration Leader_____ Pimp_____ rapist_____ burgler____ used hubcap sales person______ welfare cheat_____ mugger_____ watter bed demonstrator____ other_____
I want to be in another place.
I hate when you say you don't understand.
(You'll see it's not meant to be)
I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy.
A place for my head.

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel,
"I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"

IRS
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting, "Give me your hand!" But the man would not reach up.
Joe elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "What is your profession?"
"I am an IRS agent," gasped the man. "In that case," said Joe, "Take my hand!"
The IRS agent immediately grasped the Joe's hand and was hauled to safety. Joe turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask an IRS agent to "give" you anything, you fools!"
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"
Được CXR sửa chữa / chuyển vào 11:43 ngày 18/04/2003

At Your Age
A father told his 16 year old son : " At your age, Bill Gate would study for the whole day and you don't !"
The son quickly replied : " At your age, Bill Gate is already a billionaire and you are not !"

Don't know what you got till it's gone .