Joke of the day

This is kinda old .. but still funny ...
What A Woman/Man Really Means
What a woman says, what she really means...
I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is *** all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!
What a man says, what he really means...
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have *** with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have *** with you
Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have *** with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have *** with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess *** tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"
Được CXR sửa chữa / chuyển vào 11:59 ngày 18/04/2003

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises...."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."
Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"
The chief made the same noises..."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."
"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z...from the short-wave radio."
I wrote your name in the sand, but the waves took it away.
I wrote your name in the sky, but the wind blew it away.
So I write your name in my heart, where no one can take it away and it'll be forever...
Được britneybritney sửa chữa / chuyển vào 12:01 ngày 20/04/2003

IRS là cái chi vậy bác ... ?

Oh .. IRS là bọn làm Thuế của Mỹ bác ạ ..
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"

BLONDE PASSENGER
A blonde is on a four-engine plane. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot comes on the radio and says, ?oI'm sorry, our first engine has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.?
Then there's another bang. Once again, the radio comes on and the pilot says the same thing except that the second engine shut down and that they'll be delayed nearly two hours.
After that, the third engine shuts off and the pilot tells
the passengers that they will be delayed 3 hours. The
blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, ?oMan, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.?
A Blonde Goes to the Library?
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"


Don't know what you got till it's gone .

Được Scorps sửa chữa / chuyển vào 15:39 ngày 20/04/2003

This is a mathematical joke:
Some of my freshman math students are so clueless. They think General Calculus was a famous war hero!
Here is a follow up:
If General Calculus actually did exist, he probably knew how to
integrate his troops together and differentiate between his enemies and his allies.
I'm a new member,nice to meet everybody..
There is no need for a reason to help...

All-night Duty
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
I wrote your name in the sand, but the waves took it away.
I wrote your name in the sky, but the wind blew it away.
So I write your name in my heart, where no one can take it away and it'll be forever...

Flipping the bird
The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.
Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.
On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.
Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"

Pay check
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said,
"Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat. "then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"

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