Joke of the day

If only men would listen ...
A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, ?oPIG! ?
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, ?oWITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.

"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"

Software Upgrade
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In ad***ion, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
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Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying ad***ional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"
Được CXR sửa chữa / chuyển vào 11:41 ngày 24/04/2003

Chuyện của chú CXR ngộ ghê, đúng là thời đại IT

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The other day, April and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her cre***, April finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."
"Fine." I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."
I grinned and replied, "You're right."
I wrote your name in the sand, but the waves took it away.
I wrote your name in the sky, but the wind blew it away.
So I write your name in my heart, where no one can take it away and it'll be forever...

What Are Politics?
A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."
"You do? Tell me."
"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"

Outsmart ....
There was a young girl who loved to wear dresses everyday to school. One day a boy asked her to climb the flag pole for a box of cookies.
She climbed the pole and all the boys in the schoolyard could clearly see her underpants.
When she got home she bragged to her mother that she got a box of cookies for climbing a flag pole. The mother knew that the kids just wanted to see her underpants so she told the girl not to climb the pole again.
Of course the little girl didn't believe her mom and the next day the boy asked her to climb the pole for a box of candy. She did and they all saw her underpants and laughed.
When she went home she told her mother the news. Her mother was angry. She told the girl she shouldn't climb the pole. She told her, "They just want to see your underpants and if you climb the pole again your grounded!"
The next day the same boy asked her to climb the pole for more goodies, so up the pole she went.
When she came home she told her mother what she got for climbing the pole and her mother went ape. "I told you they only wanted to see your underpants!" she raged.
"But mommy", the little girl answered, "this time I was smart enough not to wear any."

"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"

What gender is it?
If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example:
Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them
Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed .
Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated
Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part
Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water
Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on
Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up
Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom
Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around
Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying ....
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"

Doesnt it remind you of something ...
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"

Just a joke . No religious offense intended ...By the way, they first 2 are clean jokes .
1)
A sign seen in from of a church :
Morning Mass topic : Jesus walked on water
Evening Mass topic : Looking for Jesus
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2)
Một ông Thượng Toạ đến nhà một cô Phật tử thăm . Cô chủ nhà mang ra mời thầy chai Coke . Sực nhớ là quên mang ống hút , Cô chạy vào bếp tìm . Lục đục mãi chưa tìm ra , thấy thế Thượng Toạ mới nói vọng vào :
"Thôi con đừng lấy để thầy tu "
Cô Phật tữ vội vàng :
"Thôi thầy đừng tu để con lấy "
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3) Not so clean joke ... Ladies, please close your eyes . You've been warned :
VN thời bao cấp, hàng năm một người dân được mua tiêu chuẩn 3 mét vải . Một ông thầy dòng (cha) , vì chỉ mặc áo thụng đen nên khi được mua vải hoa, đành lấy 1 mét may quần xà lỏn .
Một buổi trưa hè oi ả, thầy đóng hết của phòng và thoát y 100% ra ngủ . Đang say sưa giấc mộng thì một cô con chiên trẻ gỏ cữa thăm . Đang ngái ngũ, quýnh quáng , thầy choàng vội áo thùng dài đen, quên cả mặc quần xà lõn vải hoa mới may , rồi mở cữa tiếp cô . Câu chuyện xoay vòng đến vải tiêu chuẩn, cô con chiên than phiền là cô mua phải vải đen, không đẹp . Thấy vậy để an ủi cô , thầy đứng lên, dỡ áo thụng lên qua khỏi bụng, và hỏi cô :
- Thế con có thích cái này không ? Đây mới chỉ có một mét , còn hai mét thầy cất trong tủ chưa xài . Nếu thích thì lấy về mà xài .
Được TDHung sửa chữa / chuyển vào 23:45 ngày 30/04/2003

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Helisoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

"Nguyện mỗi người có một niềm vui"