Joke of the day

The Big Test
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an
assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill,
and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved
before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks,
training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get
the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill
her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be
serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man
for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a
gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this
gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the
gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes,
then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in
his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the
trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the
job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her
to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We
must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what
the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find
your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door
closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after
another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went
on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the
sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun
was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with
the chair!"
Đại Ca

Young Pregnant Bride
An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he
boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and
having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell
you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never
missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he
accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was
in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of
him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and
squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" the doctor
queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must
have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
Đại Ca

Dr. Suess' Tongue Twister

Read each of the following lines out loud.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.
Feel embarrassed? []

I want to be in another place.
I hate when you say you don't understand.
(You'll see it's not meant to be)
I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy.
A place for my head.

Only In America!
Only in America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America...
do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a "diet" coke.
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America...
do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

---------
Đúng như vậy không hả chú CXR? Hì cháu chưa sống ở Mỹ bao giờ mà.
I want to be in another place.
I hate when you say you don't understand.
(You'll see it's not meant to be)
I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy.
A place for my head.

Three women go out one night and get drunk. The next day they are trying to figure out who got the drunkest. The first woman says when I got home I blew Chunks and the other two women say "that's pretty bad." Then the second woman says but I have you beat. When I was driving home I hit a tree. The thrid woman says "Yeah that's bad too but mines worse." When I got home I got in a fight with my husband i knocked over a candle and burnt the house down. The second woman says "Yep that's the worst." Then the first woman says no I don't think you understand, Chunks is my dog.
Đại Ca

Real funny, Shtp . I vote for you 5* for this one

Blondes
We've all heard "dumb blonde" jokes before, but let's not stereotype! Not all blondes are the same. Here are some examples of how blondes can react differently in different situations:
THE DIET
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
THE INTERVIEW
An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
SPACEY
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian bragged, "We were the first in space!" The American retorted, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you fool. You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding, and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. Huffily, she replied, "I wish you guys would make up your mind. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
NO BRAINER
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice, and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
So let's stop stereotyping blondes! As you can see, all the blondes in these stories handled their situations differently. Not all blondes are alike!
----
Thank 5plus1sense!
I want to be in another place.
I hate when you say you don't understand.
(You'll see it's not meant to be)
I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy.
A place for my head.

Được Shtp sửa chữa / chuyển vào 22:59 ngày 07/05/2003

An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the rooster down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater, sitting down next to two little old ladies named Patty and Marcy.
The movie started. The rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marcy," whispered Patty.
"What?" answered Marcy.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marcy.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his **** out," whispered Patty.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marcy. "At our age we've seen 'em all."
"That's what I thought, too," said Patty, "but this one's eating my
popcorn!"

Heart Attack
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes
downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's
hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams
the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough,
there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet
floor. "You bastard!" says the husband, "My wife's having a
heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
Đại Ca

Bill Gates' Eternity
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous
and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't."
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Cleopatra