Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - John Gray

Chapter 2
Mr. Fix-It and the
Home-Improvement Committee​

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don''t listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix -It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better. He is confused when she doesn''t appreciate this gesture of love. No matter how many times she tells him that he''s not listening, he doesn''t get it and keeps doing the same thing. She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions.
The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a home-Improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resists her help, she persists-waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she''s nurturing him, while he feels he''s being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.
These two problems can finally be solved by first understanding why men offer solutions and why women seek to improve. Let''s pre tend to go back in time, where by observing life on Mars and Venus --beforethe planets discovered one another or came to Earth -we can gain some insights into men and women.

WE ON MARS​

Martians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. They are always doing things to prove themselves and develop their power and skills. Their sense of self is defined through their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment.
Everything on Mars is a reflection of these values. Even their dress is designed to reflect their skills and competence. Police officers, soldiers, businessmen, scientists, cab drivers, technicians, and chefs all wear uniforms or at least hats to reflect their competence and power.
They don''t read magazines like Psychology Today, Self, or People. They are more concerned with outdoor activities, like huntM fishing, and racing cars. They are interested m the news, weather, and sports and couldn''t care less about romance novels and self-help books.
They are more interested in "objects" and "things" rather than people and feelings. Even today on Earth, while women fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful cars, faster computers, gadgets, gizmos, and new more powerful technology Men are preoccupied with the "things" that can help them express power by creating results and achieving their goals.
Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And fo r him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else can''t achieve them for hirn. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence.
Understanding this Martian characteristic can help women understand why men resist so much being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn''t know what to do or that he can''t do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this, because the issue of competence is so very important to them.
Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. He reasons: "Why involve someone else when I can do it by myself?" He keeps his problems to himself unless he requires help from another to find a solution. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness.
However, if he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem on Mars is an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honored by the opportunity. Automatically he puts on his Mr. FIX -It hat, listens for a while, and then offers some jewels of advice.
This Martian custom Is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice. He puts on his Mr. Fix-It hat and begins giving advice; this is his way of showing love and of trying to help.
He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He wants to be useful to her. He feels he can be valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities are used to solve her problems.
Once he has offered a solution, however, and she continues to be upset it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solution is being rejected and he feels increasingly useless.
He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.

LIFE ON VENUS​

Venusians have different values. They value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.
Everything on Venus reflects these values. Rather than building highways and tall buildings, the Venusians are more concerned w ith living together in harmony, community, and loving cooperation. Relationships are more important than work and technology. In most ways their world is the opposite of Mars.
They do not wear uniforms like the Martians (to reveal their competence). On the contrary, they enjoy wearing a different outfit every day, according to how they are feeling. Personal expression, especially of their feelings, is very important. They may even change outfits several times a day as their mood changes.
Communication is of primary importance. To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success. Talking and relating to one another is a source of tremendous fulfillment.
This is hard for a man to comprehend. He can come close to understanding a woman''s experience of sharing and relating by comparing it to the satisfaction he feels when he wins a race, achieves a goal, or solves a problem.
instead of being goal oriented, women are relationship oriented; they are more concerned with expressing their goodness, love, and caring. Two Martians go to lunch to discuss a project or business goal; they have a problem to solve. In ad***ion, Martians view going to a restaurant as an efficient way to approach food: no shopping, no cooking, and no washing dishes. For Venusians, going to lunch is an opportunity to nurture a relationship, for both giving support to and receiving support from a friend. Women''s restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient.
On Venus, everyone studies psychology and has at least a master''s degree in counseling. They are very involved in personal growth, spirituality, and everything that can nurture life, healing, and growth. Venus is covered with parks, organic gardens, shopping centers, and restaurants.
Venusians are very intuitive. They have developed this ability through centuries of anticipating the needs of others. They pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and feelings of other s. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked.
Because proving one''s competence is not as important to a Venusian, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn''t feel she mists his ability to do it himself.
A woman has no conception of this male sensitivity because for her it is another feather in her hat if someone offers to help her. It makes her feel loved and cherished. But offering help to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved.
On Venus it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions. Venusians firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest how to do it. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love.
Mars is very different. Martians are more solution oriented. If something is working, their motto is don''t change it. Their instinct is to leave it alone if it is
working. "Don''t fix it unless it is broken" is a common expression.
When a woman tries to improve a man. he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn''t realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.

GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE​

Without this insight into the nature of men, it''s very easy for a woman unknowingly and unintentionally to hurt and offend the man she loves most.
For example, Tom and Mary were going to a party. Tom was driving. After about twenty minutes and going around the same block a few times, it was dear to Mary that Tom was lost.
She finally suggested that he call for help. Tom became very silent. They eventually arrived at the party, but the tension from that moment persisted the whole evening Mary had no idea of why he was so upset.
From her side she was saying "I love and care about you, so I am offering you this help."
From his side, he was offended. What he heard was "I don''t trust you to get us there. You are incompetent!"
Without knowing about life on Mars, Mary could not appreciate how important it was for Tom to accomplish his goal without help. Offering advice was the ultimate insult. As we have explored, Martians never offer advice unless asked. A way of honoring another Martian is always to assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help.
Mary had no idea that when Tom became lost and started circling the same block, it was a very special opportunity to love and support him. At that time he was particularly vulnerable and needed some extra love. To honor him by not offering advice would have been a gift equivalent to his buying her a beautiful bouquet of flowers or writing her a love note.
After learning about Martians and Venusians, Mary learned how *****pport Tom at such difficult times. The next time he was lost, instead of offering "help" she restrained herself from offering any advice, took a deep relaxing breath, and appreciated in her heart what Tom was trying to do for her. Tom greatly appreciated her warm acceptance and trust.
Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to "help" a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Even though her intent is loving, her suggestions do offend and hurt. His reaction may be strong, especially if he felt criticized as a child or he experienced his father being criticized by his mother.
For many men, it is very important to prove that they can get to their goal, even if it is a small thing like driving to a restaurant or party. Ironically he may be more sensitive about the little things than the big. His feelings are like this: "If 1 can''t be trusted to do a small thing like get us to a party, how can she trust me to do the bigger things?" Like their Martian ancestors, men pride themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places, or solving problems. These are the times when he needs her loving acceptance
the most and not her advice or criticism.

LEARNING TO LISTEN​

Likewise, if a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.
So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn''t pleased. For example, Mary comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her
feelings about the day.
She says, "There is so much to do; I don''t have any time for myself."
Tom says, "You should quit that job. You don''t have to work so hard. Find something you like to do."
Mary says, "But 1 like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment''s notice."
Tom says, "Don''t listen to them. just do what you can do."
Mary says, "I am! 1 can''t believe 1 completely forgot to call my aunt today."
Tom says, "Don''t worry about it, she''ll understand."
Mary says, "Do you know what she is going through? She needs me."
Tom says, "You worry too much, that''s why you''re so unhappy."
Mary angrily says, "I am not always unhappy. Can''t you just listen to me?"
Tom says, "I am listening."
Mary says, "Why do 1 even bother?"
After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than when she arrived home seeking intimacy and companionship. Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem-solving tactics didn''t work.
Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn''t understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other''s feelings.
Tom had no idea that just listening with empathy to Mary express her feelings would bring her tremendous relief and fulfillment. When Tom heard about the Venusians and how much they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen.
When Mary now comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They sound like this:
Mary says, "There is so much to do. I have no time for me."
Tom takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, "Humph, sounds Ii ike you had a hard day."
Mary says, "They expect me to change everything at a moment''s notice. 1 don''t know what to do."
Tom pauses and then says, " "H|mmm."
Mary says, "I even forgot to call my aunt."
Tom says with a slightly wrinkled brow, "Oh, no."
Mary says, "She needs me so much right now. 1 feel so bad."
Tom says, "You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug."
Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says, "I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better."
Not only Mary but also Tom felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of their differences, Tom learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
*****mmarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:
1. A man tries to change a woman''s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix -It and
offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.
2. A woman tries to change a man''s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX -IT AND
THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE​

In pointing out these two major mistakes 1 do not mean that everything is wrong with Mr. Fix-It or the home-improvement committee. These are very positive Martian and Venusian attributes. The mistakes are only in timing and approach.
A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix -It, as long as he doesn''t come out when she is upset. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.
A man greatly appreciates the home-improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticismespecially if he has made a mistake-make him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice, ''In order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman Is not trying to improve him, he is
much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.
Understanding these differences makes it easier to respect our partner''s sensitivities and be more supportive. In ad***ion we recognize that when our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach. Let''s explore this in greater detail.

WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN''S SOLUTIONS​

When a woman resists a man''s solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens.
By remembering that women are from Venus, a man at such times can instead understand why she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing.
Here are some brief examples of ways a man might mistakenly invalidate feelings and perceptions or offer unwanted solutions. See if you can recognize why she would resist:
1. "You shouldn''t worry so much."
2. "But that is not what I said."
3. "It''s not such a big deal."
4. "OK, I''m sorry. Now can we just forget it."
5. "Why don''t you just do it?"
6. "But we do talk."
7. "You shouldn''t feel hurt, that''s not what I meant."
8. "So what are you trying to say?"
9. "But you shouldn''t feel that way."
10. "How can you say that? Last week 1 spent the whole day with you. We had a great time."
11. " OK, then just forget it."
12. "All right, I''ll dean up the backyard. Does that ma ke you happy?"
13. "1 got it. This is what you should do."
14. "Look, there''s nothing we can do about it."
15. "If you are going to complain about doing it, then don''t do it."
16. "Why do you let people treat you that way? Forget them."
17. "If you''re not happy then we should just get a divorce."
18. "All right, then you can do it from now on."
19. "From now on, 1 will handle it."
20. "Of course 1 care about you. That''s ridiculous." 2 1. "Would you get to the point?" 22. "All we have to do is... 23. "That''s not at all what happened."
Each of these statements either Invalidates or attempts to explain upset feelings or offers a solution designed suddenly to change her negative feelings to positive feelings. The first step a man can take to change this pattern is simply to stop making the above comments (we explore this topic more fully in chapter 5). To practice listening without offering any invalidating comments or solutions is, however, a big step.
By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions, a man can handle a woman''s resistance much better. He doesn''t take it so personally. By learning to listen, gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.

WHEN A MAN RESISTS
THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE​

When a man resists a woman''s suggestions she feels as though he doesn''t care; she feels her needs are not being respected. As a result she understandably feels unsupported and stops trusting him.
At such times, by remembering that men are from Mars, she can instead correctly understand why he is resisting her. She can reflect and discover how she was probably giving him unsolicited advice or criticism rather than simply sharing her needs, providing information, or making a request.
Here are some brief examples of ways a woman might unknowingly annoy a man by offering advice or seemingly harmless criticism. As you explore this list, remember that these little things can add up to create big walls of resistance and resentment. In some of the statements the advice or criticism is hidden. See if you can recognize why he might feel controlled.
1. "How can you think of buying that? You already have one."
2. "Those dishes are still wet. They''ll dry with spots"
3. "Your hair is getting kind of long, isn''t It?"
4. "There''s a parking spot over there, turn [the car] around."
5. "You want to spend time with your friends, what about me?"
6. "You shouldn''t work so hard. Take a day off."
7. "Don''t put that there. It will get lost."
8. "You should call a plumber. He''ll know what to do."
9. "Why are we waiting for a table? Didn''t you make reservations? "
10. "You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you. "
11. "Your office is still a mess. How can you think in here? When are you going to clean it up> "
12. "You forgot to bring it home again. Maybe you could put it in a special place where you can remember it."
13. "You''re driving too fast. Slow down or you''ll get a ticket."
14. "Next time we should read the movie reviews."
15. "I didn''t know where you were." (You should have called.)
16. "Somebody drank from the juice bottle."
17. "Don''t eat with your fingers. You''re setting a bad example."
18. "Those potato chips are too greasy. They''re not good for your heart."
19. "You are not leaving yourself enough time."
20. "You should give me more [a dvance] notice. 1 can''t just drop everything and go to lunch with you."
21. "Your shirt doesn''t match your pants."
22. "Bill called for the third time. When are you going to call him back?"
23. "Your toolbox is such a mess. 1 can''t find anything. You should organize it."
When a woman does not know how to directly ask a man for support (chapter 12) or constructively share a difference of opinion (chapter 9), she may feel powerless to get what she needs without giving unsolicited advice or criticism (again , we explore this topic more fully later on). To practice giving acceptance and not giving advice and criticism is, however, a big step.
By clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way she is approaching him, she can take his rejection less personally and explore more supportive ways of communicating her needs. Gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
If you are a woman, 1 suggest that for the next week practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism. The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive to you.
If you are a man, 1 suggest that for the next week you practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.

LEARNING TO LISTEN​

Likewise, if a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.
So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn''t pleased. For example, Mary comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her
feelings about the day.
She says, "There is so much to do; I don''t have any time for myself."
Tom says, "You should quit that job. You don''t have to work so hard. Find something you like to do."
Mary says, "But 1 like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment''s notice."
Tom says, "Don''t listen to them. just do what you can do."
Mary says, "I am! 1 can''t believe 1 completely forgot to call my aunt today."
Tom says, "Don''t worry about it, she''ll understand."
Mary says, "Do you know what she is going through? She needs me."
Tom says, "You worry too much, that''s why you''re so unhappy."
Mary angrily says, "I am not always unhappy. Can''t you just listen to me?"
Tom says, "I am listening."
Mary says, "Why do 1 even bother?"
After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than when she arrived home seeking intimacy and companionship. Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem-solving tactics didn''t work.
Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn''t understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other''s feelings.
Tom had no idea that just listening with empathy to Mary express her feelings would bring her tremendous relief and fulfillment. When Tom heard about the Venusians and how much they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen.
When Mary now comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They sound like this:
Mary says, "There is so much to do. I have no time for me."
Tom takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, "Humph, sounds Ii ike you had a hard day."
Mary says, "They expect me to change everything at a moment''s notice. 1 don''t know what to do."
Tom pauses and then says, " "H|mmm."
Mary says, "I even forgot to call my aunt."
Tom says with a slightly wrinkled brow, "Oh, no."
Mary says, "She needs me so much right now. 1 feel so bad."
Tom says, "You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug."
Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says, "I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better."
Not only Mary but also Tom felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of their differences, Tom learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
*****mmarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:
1. A man tries to change a woman''s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix -It and
offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.
2. A woman tries to change a man''s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX -IT AND
THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE​

In pointing out these two major mistakes 1 do not mean that everything is wrong with Mr. Fix-It or the home-improvement committee. These are very positive Martian and Venusian attributes. The mistakes are only in timing and approach.
A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix -It, as long as he doesn''t come out when she is upset. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.
A man greatly appreciates the home-improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticismespecially if he has made a mistake-make him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice, ''In order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman Is not trying to improve him, he is
much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.
Understanding these differences makes it easier to respect our partner''s sensitivities and be more supportive. In ad***ion we recognize that when our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach. Let''s explore this in greater detail.

WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN''S SOLUTIONS​

When a woman resists a man''s solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens.
By remembering that women are from Venus, a man at such times can instead understand why she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing.
Here are some brief examples of ways a man might mistakenly invalidate feelings and perceptions or offer unwanted solutions. See if you can recognize why she would resist:
1. "You shouldn''t worry so much."
2. "But that is not what I said."
3. "It''s not such a big deal."
4. "OK, I''m sorry. Now can we just forget it."
5. "Why don''t you just do it?"
6. "But we do talk."
7. "You shouldn''t feel hurt, that''s not what I meant."
8. "So what are you trying to say?"
9. "But you shouldn''t feel that way."
10. "How can you say that? Last week 1 spent the whole day with you. We had a great time."
11. " OK, then just forget it."
12. "All right, I''ll dean up the backyard. Does that ma ke you happy?"
13. "1 got it. This is what you should do."
14. "Look, there''s nothing we can do about it."
15. "If you are going to complain about doing it, then don''t do it."
16. "Why do you let people treat you that way? Forget them."
17. "If you''re not happy then we should just get a divorce."
18. "All right, then you can do it from now on."
19. "From now on, 1 will handle it."
20. "Of course 1 care about you. That''s ridiculous." 2 1. "Would you get to the point?" 22. "All we have to do is... 23. "That''s not at all what happened."
Each of these statements either Invalidates or attempts to explain upset feelings or offers a solution designed suddenly to change her negative feelings to positive feelings. The first step a man can take to change this pattern is simply to stop making the above comments (we explore this topic more fully in chapter 5). To practice listening without offering any invalidating comments or solutions is, however, a big step.
By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions, a man can handle a woman''s resistance much better. He doesn''t take it so personally. By learning to listen, gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.

WHEN A MAN RESISTS
THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE​

When a man resists a woman''s suggestions she feels as though he doesn''t care; she feels her needs are not being respected. As a result she understandably feels unsupported and stops trusting him.
At such times, by remembering that men are from Mars, she can instead correctly understand why he is resisting her. She can reflect and discover how she was probably giving him unsolicited advice or criticism rather than simply sharing her needs, providing information, or making a request.
Here are some brief examples of ways a woman might unknowingly annoy a man by offering advice or seemingly harmless criticism. As you explore this list, remember that these little things can add up to create big walls of resistance and resentment. In some of the statements the advice or criticism is hidden. See if you can recognize why he might feel controlled.
1. "How can you think of buying that? You already have one."
2. "Those dishes are still wet. They''ll dry with spots"
3. "Your hair is getting kind of long, isn''t It?"
4. "There''s a parking spot over there, turn [the car] around."
5. "You want to spend time with your friends, what about me?"
6. "You shouldn''t work so hard. Take a day off."
7. "Don''t put that there. It will get lost."
8. "You should call a plumber. He''ll know what to do."
9. "Why are we waiting for a table? Didn''t you make reservations? "
10. "You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you. "
11. "Your office is still a mess. How can you think in here? When are you going to clean it up> "
12. "You forgot to bring it home again. Maybe you could put it in a special place where you can remember it."
13. "You''re driving too fast. Slow down or you''ll get a ticket."
14. "Next time we should read the movie reviews."
15. "I didn''t know where you were." (You should have called.)
16. "Somebody drank from the juice bottle."
17. "Don''t eat with your fingers. You''re setting a bad example."
18. "Those potato chips are too greasy. They''re not good for your heart."
19. "You are not leaving yourself enough time."
20. "You should give me more [a dvance] notice. 1 can''t just drop everything and go to lunch with you."
21. "Your shirt doesn''t match your pants."
22. "Bill called for the third time. When are you going to call him back?"
23. "Your toolbox is such a mess. 1 can''t find anything. You should organize it."
When a woman does not know how to directly ask a man for support (chapter 12) or constructively share a difference of opinion (chapter 9), she may feel powerless to get what she needs without giving unsolicited advice or criticism (again , we explore this topic more fully later on). To practice giving acceptance and not giving advice and criticism is, however, a big step.
By clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way she is approaching him, she can take his rejection less personally and explore more supportive ways of communicating her needs. Gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
If you are a woman, 1 suggest that for the next week practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism. The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive to you.
If you are a man, 1 suggest that for the next week you practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.

Chapter 3
Men Go to Their ****s and Women Talk​

One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man''s needs for feeling good are differ ent from a woman''s He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems.
Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships. Let''s look at a common example.
When Tom comes home, he wants to relax and unwind by quietly reading the news. He is stressed by the unsolved problems of his day and finds relief through forgetting them.
His wife, Mary, also wants to relax from her stressful day. She, however, wants to find relief by talking about the problems of her day. The tension slowly building between them gradually becomes resentment. Tom secretly thinks Mary talks too much, while Mary feels ignored. Without understanding their differences they will grow further apart. You proba bly can recognize this situation because it is just one of many examples where men and women are at odds. This problem is not just Tom and Mary''s but is present in almost every relationship.
Solving this problem for Tom and Mary depends not on how much th ey loved each other but on how much they understood the opposite ***.
Without knowing that women really do need to talk about problems to feel better, Tom would continue to think Mary talked too much and resist listening to her. Without knowing that Tom was reading the news to feel better, Mary would feel ignored and neglected. She would persist in trying to get him to talk when he didn''t want to. These two differences can be resolved by first understanding in greater detail how men and women cope with stress. Let''s again observe life on Mars and Venus and glean some insights about men and women.

COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS​

When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him* He would never burden another Martian with his problem unless his friend''s assistance was necessary to solve the problem. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private **** to th ink about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his ****.
If he can''t find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain.
When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusians share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better. This is the Venusian way.
On Venus sharing your problems with another actually is considered a sign of love and trust and not a burden. Venusians are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent not on looking "competent" but rather on being in loving relationships. They openly share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, and exhausted.
A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his ****. These secrets of feeling good are still applicable today.

FINDING RELIEF IN THE ****​

When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the **** of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.
At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and p reoccupied in his relationships. For example, when having a conversation with him at home, it seems as if only 5 percent of his mind is available for the relationship while the other 95 percent is still at work. His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problem, hoping to find a solution. The more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he
is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. Flis mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If, however, he can find a solution, instantly he Will feel much better and come out of his ****; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again.
However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem, then he remains stuck in the ****. To get unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems, like reading the news, watching TV, driving his car, doing physical exercise, watching a football game, playing basketball, and so forth. Any challenging activity that initially requires only 5 percent of his mind can assist him in forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck. Then the next day he can redirect his focus to his problem with greater success.
Let''s explore in greater detail a few examples. Ji m commonly uses reading the newspaper to forget his problems. When he reads the paper he is no longer being confronted with the problems of his day. With the 5 percent of his mind that is not focused on his work problems, he begins forming opinions and finding solutions for the world''s problems. Gradually his mind becomes increasingly involved with the problems in the news and he forgets his own. In this way he makes the transition from being focused on his problems at work to focusing on
the many problems of the world (for which he is not directly responsible. This process releases his mind from the gripping problems of work so he can focus on his wife and family again.
Tom watches a football game to release his stress and unwind. He releases his mind from trying to solve his own problems by solving the problems of his favorite team. Through watching sports he can vicariously feel he has solved a problem with each play. When his team scores points or wins, he enjoys the feeling of success. If his team loses , he suffers their loss as his own. In either case, however, his mind is released from the grip of his real problems.
For Tom and many men the inevitable release of tension that occurs at the completion of any sporting event, news event, or movie provides a release from the tension he feels in his life.

Chapter 3
Men Go to Their ****s and Women Talk​

One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man''s needs for feeling good are differ ent from a woman''s He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems.
Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships. Let''s look at a common example.
When Tom comes home, he wants to relax and unwind by quietly reading the news. He is stressed by the unsolved problems of his day and finds relief through forgetting them.
His wife, Mary, also wants to relax from her stressful day. She, however, wants to find relief by talking about the problems of her day. The tension slowly building between them gradually becomes resentment. Tom secretly thinks Mary talks too much, while Mary feels ignored. Without understanding their differences they will grow further apart. You proba bly can recognize this situation because it is just one of many examples where men and women are at odds. This problem is not just Tom and Mary''s but is present in almost every relationship.
Solving this problem for Tom and Mary depends not on how much th ey loved each other but on how much they understood the opposite ***.
Without knowing that women really do need to talk about problems to feel better, Tom would continue to think Mary talked too much and resist listening to her. Without knowing that Tom was reading the news to feel better, Mary would feel ignored and neglected. She would persist in trying to get him to talk when he didn''t want to. These two differences can be resolved by first understanding in greater detail how men and women cope with stress. Let''s again observe life on Mars and Venus and glean some insights about men and women.

COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS​

When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him* He would never burden another Martian with his problem unless his friend''s assistance was necessary to solve the problem. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private **** to th ink about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his ****.
If he can''t find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain.
When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusians share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better. This is the Venusian way.
On Venus sharing your problems with another actually is considered a sign of love and trust and not a burden. Venusians are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent not on looking "competent" but rather on being in loving relationships. They openly share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, and exhausted.
A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his ****. These secrets of feeling good are still applicable today.

FINDING RELIEF IN THE ****​

When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the **** of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.
At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and p reoccupied in his relationships. For example, when having a conversation with him at home, it seems as if only 5 percent of his mind is available for the relationship while the other 95 percent is still at work. His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problem, hoping to find a solution. The more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he
is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. Flis mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If, however, he can find a solution, instantly he Will feel much better and come out of his ****; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again.
However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem, then he remains stuck in the ****. To get unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems, like reading the news, watching TV, driving his car, doing physical exercise, watching a football game, playing basketball, and so forth. Any challenging activity that initially requires only 5 percent of his mind can assist him in forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck. Then the next day he can redirect his focus to his problem with greater success.
Let''s explore in greater detail a few examples. Ji m commonly uses reading the newspaper to forget his problems. When he reads the paper he is no longer being confronted with the problems of his day. With the 5 percent of his mind that is not focused on his work problems, he begins forming opinions and finding solutions for the world''s problems. Gradually his mind becomes increasingly involved with the problems in the news and he forgets his own. In this way he makes the transition from being focused on his problems at work to focusing on
the many problems of the world (for which he is not directly responsible. This process releases his mind from the gripping problems of work so he can focus on his wife and family again.
Tom watches a football game to release his stress and unwind. He releases his mind from trying to solve his own problems by solving the problems of his favorite team. Through watching sports he can vicariously feel he has solved a problem with each play. When his team scores points or wins, he enjoys the feeling of success. If his team loses , he suffers their loss as his own. In either case, however, his mind is released from the grip of his real problems.
For Tom and many men the inevitable release of tension that occurs at the completion of any sporting event, news event, or movie provides a release from the tension he feels in his life.

Now Women Read to the Cove​

When a man is stuck in his ****, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesn''t know how stressed he is. If he were to come home and talk about all his problems, then she could be more compassionate. Instead he doesn''t talk about his problems, and she feels he is ignoring her. She can tell he is upset but mistakenly assumes he doesn''t care about her because he isn''t talking to her.
Women generally do not understand how Martians cope with stress. They expect men to open up and talk about all their problems the way Venusians do. When a man is stuck in his ****, a woman resents his not being more open. She feels hurt when he turns on the news or goes outside to play some basketball and ignores her.
To expect a man who is in his **** instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings j ust as it is a mistake to expect a woman''s feelings to always be rational and logical.
When Martians go to their ****s they tend to forget that their friends may be having problems too. An instinct takes over that says before you can take care of anybody else, you must first take care of yourself. When a woman sees a man react in this way, she generally resists it and resents the man.
She may ask for his support in a demanding tone, as if she has to fight for her rights with this uncaring man. By remembering that men are from Mars, a woman can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about her. She can begin to cooperate with him to get what she needs instead of resisting him. On the other side, men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they are in the ****. As a man recognizes how withdrawing into his **** may affect women, he can be compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant. Remembering that women are from Venus helps him to be more understanding and respectful of her reactions and feelings.
Without understanding the vali***y of her reactions, a man commonly defends himself, and they argue. These are five common misunderstandings:
1. When she says "You don''t listen," he says "What do you mean 1 don''t listen. 1 can tell you everything you said."
When a man is in the **** he can record what she is saying with the 5 percent of mind that is listening. A man reasons that if he is listening with 5 percent, then he is listening. However, what she is asking for is his full undivided attention.
2. When she says "I feel like you are not even here," he says "What do you mean I''m not here? Of course 1 am here. Don''t you see my body?"
He reasons that if his body is present then she shouldn''t say he is not there. However, though his body is present, she doesn''t feel his full presence, and that is what she means.
3. When she says "You don''t care about me," he says "Of course 1 care about you. Why do you think 1 am trying to solve this problem?"
He reasons that because he is preoccupied with solving a problem that will in some way benefit her, she should know he cares for her. However, she needs to feel his direct attention and caring, and that is what she is really asking for.
4. When she says "I feel like I am not important to you," he says "That''s ridiculous. Of courseyou are important."
He reasons that her feelings are invalid because he is solving problems to benefit her. He doesn''t realize that when he focuses on one problem and ignores th e problems she is bothered by that almost any woman would have the same reaction and take it personally and feel unimportant.
5. When she says "You have no feelings. You are in your head," he says "What''s wrong with that? How else do you expect me to solve this problem?"
He reasons that she is being too critical and demanding because he is doing something that is essential for him to solve problems. He feels unappreciated. In ad***ion he doesn''t recognize the vali***y of her feelings Men generally don''t realize how extremely and quickly they may shift from being warm and feeling to being unresponsive and distant. In his **** a man is preoccupied with solving his problem and is unaware of how his indifferent attitude might feel to others.
To increase cooperation both men and women need to understand each other better. When a man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally. Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain.
At such times she may feel the need to talk about these feelings. This is when it is important for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a right to withdraw into his **** and not talk. If she does not feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt.

FINDING RELIEF THROUGH TALKING​

When a woman is stressed she instinctively feels a need to talk about her feelings and all the possible problems that are associated with her feelings. When she begins talking she does not prioritize the significance of any problem. If she is upset, then she is upset about it all, big and small. She is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. By randomly talking about her problems, she becomes less upset.
As a man under stress tends to focus on one problem and forget others, a woman under stress tends to expand and become overwhelmed by all problems. By talking about all possible problems without focusing on problem solving she feels better. Through exploring her feelings in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her, and then suddenly she is no longer so overwhelmed.
To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self. When a woman is overwhelmed she finds relief through talking in great detail about her various problems. Gradually, if she feels she is being heard, her stress disappears. After talking about one topic she will pause and then move on to the next. In this way she continues to expand talking about problems, worries, disappointments, and frustrations. These topics need not be in any order and tend to be logically unrelated. If she feels she is not being understood, her awareness may expand even further, and she may become upset about more problems.
just as a man who is stuck in the **** needs little problems to distract him, a woman who doesn''t feel heard will need to talk about other problems that are less immediate to feel relief. To forget her own painful feelings she may become emotionally involved in the problems of others. In ad***ion she may find relief through discussing the problems of her friends, relatives, and associates. Whether she is talking about her problems or others'' problems, talking is a natural and healthy Venusian reaction to stress.

Now Women Read to the Cove​

When a man is stuck in his ****, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesn''t know how stressed he is. If he were to come home and talk about all his problems, then she could be more compassionate. Instead he doesn''t talk about his problems, and she feels he is ignoring her. She can tell he is upset but mistakenly assumes he doesn''t care about her because he isn''t talking to her.
Women generally do not understand how Martians cope with stress. They expect men to open up and talk about all their problems the way Venusians do. When a man is stuck in his ****, a woman resents his not being more open. She feels hurt when he turns on the news or goes outside to play some basketball and ignores her.
To expect a man who is in his **** instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings j ust as it is a mistake to expect a woman''s feelings to always be rational and logical.
When Martians go to their ****s they tend to forget that their friends may be having problems too. An instinct takes over that says before you can take care of anybody else, you must first take care of yourself. When a woman sees a man react in this way, she generally resists it and resents the man.
She may ask for his support in a demanding tone, as if she has to fight for her rights with this uncaring man. By remembering that men are from Mars, a woman can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about her. She can begin to cooperate with him to get what she needs instead of resisting him. On the other side, men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they are in the ****. As a man recognizes how withdrawing into his **** may affect women, he can be compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant. Remembering that women are from Venus helps him to be more understanding and respectful of her reactions and feelings.
Without understanding the vali***y of her reactions, a man commonly defends himself, and they argue. These are five common misunderstandings:
1. When she says "You don''t listen," he says "What do you mean 1 don''t listen. 1 can tell you everything you said."
When a man is in the **** he can record what she is saying with the 5 percent of mind that is listening. A man reasons that if he is listening with 5 percent, then he is listening. However, what she is asking for is his full undivided attention.
2. When she says "I feel like you are not even here," he says "What do you mean I''m not here? Of course 1 am here. Don''t you see my body?"
He reasons that if his body is present then she shouldn''t say he is not there. However, though his body is present, she doesn''t feel his full presence, and that is what she means.
3. When she says "You don''t care about me," he says "Of course 1 care about you. Why do you think 1 am trying to solve this problem?"
He reasons that because he is preoccupied with solving a problem that will in some way benefit her, she should know he cares for her. However, she needs to feel his direct attention and caring, and that is what she is really asking for.
4. When she says "I feel like I am not important to you," he says "That''s ridiculous. Of courseyou are important."
He reasons that her feelings are invalid because he is solving problems to benefit her. He doesn''t realize that when he focuses on one problem and ignores th e problems she is bothered by that almost any woman would have the same reaction and take it personally and feel unimportant.
5. When she says "You have no feelings. You are in your head," he says "What''s wrong with that? How else do you expect me to solve this problem?"
He reasons that she is being too critical and demanding because he is doing something that is essential for him to solve problems. He feels unappreciated. In ad***ion he doesn''t recognize the vali***y of her feelings Men generally don''t realize how extremely and quickly they may shift from being warm and feeling to being unresponsive and distant. In his **** a man is preoccupied with solving his problem and is unaware of how his indifferent attitude might feel to others.
To increase cooperation both men and women need to understand each other better. When a man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally. Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain.
At such times she may feel the need to talk about these feelings. This is when it is important for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a right to withdraw into his **** and not talk. If she does not feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt.

FINDING RELIEF THROUGH TALKING​

When a woman is stressed she instinctively feels a need to talk about her feelings and all the possible problems that are associated with her feelings. When she begins talking she does not prioritize the significance of any problem. If she is upset, then she is upset about it all, big and small. She is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. By randomly talking about her problems, she becomes less upset.
As a man under stress tends to focus on one problem and forget others, a woman under stress tends to expand and become overwhelmed by all problems. By talking about all possible problems without focusing on problem solving she feels better. Through exploring her feelings in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her, and then suddenly she is no longer so overwhelmed.
To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self. When a woman is overwhelmed she finds relief through talking in great detail about her various problems. Gradually, if she feels she is being heard, her stress disappears. After talking about one topic she will pause and then move on to the next. In this way she continues to expand talking about problems, worries, disappointments, and frustrations. These topics need not be in any order and tend to be logically unrelated. If she feels she is not being understood, her awareness may expand even further, and she may become upset about more problems.
just as a man who is stuck in the **** needs little problems to distract him, a woman who doesn''t feel heard will need to talk about other problems that are less immediate to feel relief. To forget her own painful feelings she may become emotionally involved in the problems of others. In ad***ion she may find relief through discussing the problems of her friends, relatives, and associates. Whether she is talking about her problems or others'' problems, talking is a natural and healthy Venusian reaction to stress.

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Mình rất muốn đọc bạn ah....

Truyện hay lắm bạn ah, mấy hôm nay mình chờ mãi mà không thấy bạn post, Chắc bạn bận ?????
Mình rất muốn đọc bạn ah....

Now Men React When Women Ned to Talk​

When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realize that she is talking to feel better. A man doesn''t know that she will appreciate it if he just listens.
Martians talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice. If a woman is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems less upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice.
If he assumes she is asking for advice, then he puts on his Mr Fix-It hat to solve her problems. If he assumes she is blaming him, then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. In
both cases, he soon finds it difficult to listen.
If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems. After offering two or three solutions, he expects her to feel better. This is because Martians themselves feel better with solutions, as long as they have asked for a solution to be offered. When she doesn''t feel better, he feels
his solutions have been rejected, and he feels unappreciated.
On the other hand, if he feels attacked, then he begins to defend himself. He thinks if he explains himself that she will stop blaming him. The more he defends himself, however, the
more upset she becomes. He doesn''t realize that explanations are not what she needs. She needs him to understand her feelings and let her move on to talk about more problems. If he is wise and lust listens, then a few moments after she is complaining about him, she will change the subject and talk about other problems as well.
Men also become particularly frustrated when a woman talks about problems that he can do nothing about. For example, when a woman is stressed she could complain:
õ? "I''m not getting paid enough at work."
õ? "MY Aunt Louise is getting sicker and sicker, each year she gets sicker."
õ? "Our house just isn''t big enough."
õ? "This is such a dry season. When is it going to rain.
õ? "We are almost overdrawn in our bank account."
A woman might make any of the above comments as a way of expressing her worries, disappointments, and frustrations. She may know that nothing more can be done to solve these problems, but to find relief she still needs to talk about them. She feels supported if the listener relates to her frustration and disappointment. She may, however, frustrate her mate partner-unless he understands that she just needs to talk about it and then she will feet better.
Men also become impatient when women talk about problems in great detail. A man mistakenly assumes that when a woman talks in great detail that all the details are necessary for him to find a solution to her problem. He struggles to find their relevance and .becomes impatient. Again he doesn''t realize that she is looking not for a solution from him but for his caring and understanding.
In ad***ion, listening is difficult for a man because he mistakenly assumes there is a logical order when she randomly changes from one problem to another. After she has shared three or four problems he becomes extremely frustrated and confused trying logically to relate these problems.
Another reason a man may resist listening is that he is looking for the bottom line. He cannot begin formulating his solution until he knows the outcome. The more details she gives the
more he is frustrated while listening. His frustration is lessened if he can remember that she is greatly benefiting by talking about the details. if he can remember that talking in detail is helping her to feel good, then he can relax. just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving
a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.
Something a woman can do to make it a little easier for a man is to let him know in advance the outcome of the story and then go back and give the details. Avoid keeping him in suspense. Women commonly enjoy letting the suspense build because it brings more feeling into the story. Another woman appreciates this buildup, but a man can be easily frustrated.
The degree to which a man does not understand a woman is the degree to which he will resist her when she is talking about problems. As a man learns more how to fulfill a woman and
provide her emotional support he discovers that listening Is not so difficult. More important, if a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and that he doesn''t
have to solve any of them, it can help him to relax and listen.

NOW THE MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS FOUND PEACE​

The Martians and Venusians lived together in peace because they were able to respect their differences. The Martians learned to respect that Venusians needed to talk to feel better. Even if he didn''t have much to say, he learned that by listening he could be very supportive. The Venusians learned to respect that Martians needed to withdraw to cope with stress. The **** was no longer a great mystery or cause for alarm.

What the Martians Learned​

The Martians realized that even when they felt they were being attacked, blamed, or criticized by the Venusians it was only temporary; soon the Venusians would suddenly feel better and be very appreciative and accepting. By learning to listen, the Martians discovered how much the Venusians really thrived on talking about problems.
Each Martian found peace of mind when he finally understood that a Venusian''s need to talk about her problems was not because he was failing her in some way. In ad***ion he learned
that once a Venusian feels heard she stops dwelling on her problems and becomes very positive. With this awareness, a Martian was able to listen without feeling responsible for
solving all her problems.
Many men and even women are very judgmental of the need to talk about problems because they have never experienced how healing it can be. They have not seen how a woman who feels
heard suddenly can change, feel better, and sustain a positive attitude. Generally they have seen how a woman (probably their mother) who did not feel heard continued to dwell on her
problems. This happens to women when they do not feel loved or heard over an extended period of time. The real problem, however, is that she feels unloved, not that she is talking
about problems.
After the Martians learned how to listen they made a most amazing discovery. They began to realize that listening to a Venusian talk about problems could actually help them come out of their ****s in the same way as watching the news on TV or reading a newspaper.
Similarly, as men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier. As a man gets good at listening, he realizes that listening can be an excellent way to forget the problems of his day as well as bring a lot of fulfillment to his partner. But on days when he is really stressed he may need to. be in his **** and slowly come out by some other distraction, like the news or a competitive sport.

What fin Venusians Learned​

The Venusians also found peace of mind when they finally understood that a Martian going into his **** was not a sign that he didn''t love her as much. They learned to be more accepting of him at these times because he was experiencing a lot of stress.
The Venusians were not offended when Martians were easily distracted. When a Venusian talked and a Martian became distracted, she would very politely stop talking, stand there, and
wait for him to notice. Then she would begin talking again. She understood that sometimes it was hard for him to give his full attention. The Venusians discovered tha t by asking for the
Martians'' attention in a relaxed and accepting manner the Martians were happy to redirect their attention.
When the Martians were completely preoccupied and in their ****s, the Venusians also did not take it personally. They. learned that this was not the time to have intimate conversations but a time to talk about problems with their friends or have fun and go shopping. When the Martians thereby felt loved and accepted, the Venusians discovered that the Martians would more quickly come out of their ****s.