Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - John Gray

Now Men React When Women Ned to Talk​

When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realize that she is talking to feel better. A man doesn''t know that she will appreciate it if he just listens.
Martians talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice. If a woman is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems less upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice.
If he assumes she is asking for advice, then he puts on his Mr Fix-It hat to solve her problems. If he assumes she is blaming him, then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. In
both cases, he soon finds it difficult to listen.
If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems. After offering two or three solutions, he expects her to feel better. This is because Martians themselves feel better with solutions, as long as they have asked for a solution to be offered. When she doesn''t feel better, he feels
his solutions have been rejected, and he feels unappreciated.
On the other hand, if he feels attacked, then he begins to defend himself. He thinks if he explains himself that she will stop blaming him. The more he defends himself, however, the
more upset she becomes. He doesn''t realize that explanations are not what she needs. She needs him to understand her feelings and let her move on to talk about more problems. If he is wise and lust listens, then a few moments after she is complaining about him, she will change the subject and talk about other problems as well.
Men also become particularly frustrated when a woman talks about problems that he can do nothing about. For example, when a woman is stressed she could complain:
õ? "I''m not getting paid enough at work."
õ? "MY Aunt Louise is getting sicker and sicker, each year she gets sicker."
õ? "Our house just isn''t big enough."
õ? "This is such a dry season. When is it going to rain.
õ? "We are almost overdrawn in our bank account."
A woman might make any of the above comments as a way of expressing her worries, disappointments, and frustrations. She may know that nothing more can be done to solve these problems, but to find relief she still needs to talk about them. She feels supported if the listener relates to her frustration and disappointment. She may, however, frustrate her mate partner-unless he understands that she just needs to talk about it and then she will feet better.
Men also become impatient when women talk about problems in great detail. A man mistakenly assumes that when a woman talks in great detail that all the details are necessary for him to find a solution to her problem. He struggles to find their relevance and .becomes impatient. Again he doesn''t realize that she is looking not for a solution from him but for his caring and understanding.
In ad***ion, listening is difficult for a man because he mistakenly assumes there is a logical order when she randomly changes from one problem to another. After she has shared three or four problems he becomes extremely frustrated and confused trying logically to relate these problems.
Another reason a man may resist listening is that he is looking for the bottom line. He cannot begin formulating his solution until he knows the outcome. The more details she gives the
more he is frustrated while listening. His frustration is lessened if he can remember that she is greatly benefiting by talking about the details. if he can remember that talking in detail is helping her to feel good, then he can relax. just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving
a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.
Something a woman can do to make it a little easier for a man is to let him know in advance the outcome of the story and then go back and give the details. Avoid keeping him in suspense. Women commonly enjoy letting the suspense build because it brings more feeling into the story. Another woman appreciates this buildup, but a man can be easily frustrated.
The degree to which a man does not understand a woman is the degree to which he will resist her when she is talking about problems. As a man learns more how to fulfill a woman and
provide her emotional support he discovers that listening Is not so difficult. More important, if a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and that he doesn''t
have to solve any of them, it can help him to relax and listen.

NOW THE MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS FOUND PEACE​

The Martians and Venusians lived together in peace because they were able to respect their differences. The Martians learned to respect that Venusians needed to talk to feel better. Even if he didn''t have much to say, he learned that by listening he could be very supportive. The Venusians learned to respect that Martians needed to withdraw to cope with stress. The **** was no longer a great mystery or cause for alarm.

What the Martians Learned​

The Martians realized that even when they felt they were being attacked, blamed, or criticized by the Venusians it was only temporary; soon the Venusians would suddenly feel better and be very appreciative and accepting. By learning to listen, the Martians discovered how much the Venusians really thrived on talking about problems.
Each Martian found peace of mind when he finally understood that a Venusian''s need to talk about her problems was not because he was failing her in some way. In ad***ion he learned
that once a Venusian feels heard she stops dwelling on her problems and becomes very positive. With this awareness, a Martian was able to listen without feeling responsible for
solving all her problems.
Many men and even women are very judgmental of the need to talk about problems because they have never experienced how healing it can be. They have not seen how a woman who feels
heard suddenly can change, feel better, and sustain a positive attitude. Generally they have seen how a woman (probably their mother) who did not feel heard continued to dwell on her
problems. This happens to women when they do not feel loved or heard over an extended period of time. The real problem, however, is that she feels unloved, not that she is talking
about problems.
After the Martians learned how to listen they made a most amazing discovery. They began to realize that listening to a Venusian talk about problems could actually help them come out of their ****s in the same way as watching the news on TV or reading a newspaper.
Similarly, as men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier. As a man gets good at listening, he realizes that listening can be an excellent way to forget the problems of his day as well as bring a lot of fulfillment to his partner. But on days when he is really stressed he may need to. be in his **** and slowly come out by some other distraction, like the news or a competitive sport.

What fin Venusians Learned​

The Venusians also found peace of mind when they finally understood that a Martian going into his **** was not a sign that he didn''t love her as much. They learned to be more accepting of him at these times because he was experiencing a lot of stress.
The Venusians were not offended when Martians were easily distracted. When a Venusian talked and a Martian became distracted, she would very politely stop talking, stand there, and
wait for him to notice. Then she would begin talking again. She understood that sometimes it was hard for him to give his full attention. The Venusians discovered tha t by asking for the
Martians'' attention in a relaxed and accepting manner the Martians were happy to redirect their attention.
When the Martians were completely preoccupied and in their ****s, the Venusians also did not take it personally. They. learned that this was not the time to have intimate conversations but a time to talk about problems with their friends or have fun and go shopping. When the Martians thereby felt loved and accepted, the Venusians discovered that the Martians would more quickly come out of their ****s.

Chapter 4

How to Motivate the
Opposite ***​

Centuries before the Martians and Venusians got together they had been quite happy living intheir separate worlds. Then one day everything changed. The Martians and Venusians on their
respective planets suddenly became depressed. It was this depression, however, that motivatedthem eventually to come together.
Understanding the secrets of their transformation helps us today to recognize how men andwomen are motivated in different ways. With this new awareness you will be better equipped*****pport your partner as well as get the support you need at difficult and stressful times. Let''sgo back in time and pretend to witness what happened.
When the Martians became depressed, everyone on the planet left the cities and went totheir ****s for a long time. They were stuck and couldn''t come out, until one day when aMartian happened to glimpse the beautiful Venusians through his telescope. As he quicklyshared his telescope, the sight of these beautiful beings inspired the Martians, and theirdepression miraculously lifted. Suddenly they felt needed. They came out of their ****s andbegan budding a fleet of spaceships to fly to Venus.
When the Venusians became depressed, to feel better they formed circles and began talkingwith one another about their problems. But this didn''t seem to relieve the depression. They
stayed depressed for a long time until through their intuition they experienced a vision. Strongand wondrous beings (the Martians) would be coming across the universe to love, serve, andsupport them. Suddenly they felt cherished. As they shared their vision their depres sion lifted,and they happily began preparing for the arrival of the Martians.
These secrets of motivation are still applicable. Men are motivated and empowered whenthey feel needed. When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes
passive and less energized; with each passing day he has less to give the relationship. On theother hand, when he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his
efforts, he is empowered and has more to give.Like the Venusians, women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. When awoman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively responsible and exhausted from giving too much. On the other hand when she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.
WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN
A man falling in love with a woman is similar to what took place when the first Martian discovered the Venusians. Stuck in his **** and unable to find the source of his depression, he was searching the sky with his telescope. As if he had been struck by lightn ing, in one glorious moment his life was permanently changed. He had glimpsed through his telescope a vision he described as awesome beauty and grace.
He had discovered the Venusians. His body lit on fire. As he watched the Venusians, for the first time in his life he began to care about someone other than himself. From just one glimpse
his life had new meaning. His depression lifted.
Martians have a win/lose philosophy -l want to win, and 1 don''t care if you lose. As long as each Martian took care of himself this formula worked fine. It worked for centuries, but now it
needed to be changed. Giving primarily to themselves was no longer as satisfying. Being in love, they wanted the Venusians to win as much as themselves.
In most sports today we can see an extension of this Martian competitive code. For example, in tennis 1 not only want to win but also try to make my friend lose by making it difficult for him
to return my shots. 1 enjoy winning even though my friend loses.
Most of these Martian attitudes have a place in life, but this win/lose attitude becomes harmful in our adult relationships. If I seek to fulfill my own needs at the expense of my partner, we are sure to experience unhappiness, resentment, and conflict. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win.

Differences Attract​

After the first Martian fell in love, he began manufacturing telescopes for all his brother Martians. Very quickly they all came out of their depressions. They too began to feel love for
the Venusians. They started to care about the Venusians as much as themselves.
The strange and beautiful Venusians were a mysterious attraction to the Martians. Their differences especially attracted the Martians Where the Martians were hard, the Venusians
were soft. Where the Martians were angular, the Venusians were round. Where the Martians were cool, the Venusians were warm. In a magical and perfect way their differences seemed to
complement each other.
In an unspoken language the Venusians communicated loud and clear: "We need you. Your power and strength can bring us great fullfill filling a void deep within our being. Together we could five m great happiness." This invitation motivated and
empowered the Martians.
Many women instinctively understand how to give this message. in the beginning of a relationship, a woman gives a man a brief look that says you could he the one to make me
happy. In this subtle way she actually initiates their relationship. This look encourages him to come closer. It empowers him to overcome his fears of having a relationship. Unfortunately,
once they are in a relationship and as the problems begin to emerge, she doesn''t know how important that message still is to him and neglects to send it.
The Martians were very motivated by the possibility of making a difference on Venus. The Martian race was moving to a new level of evolution. They were no longer satisfied by just
proving themselves and developing their power. They wanted to use their power and skills in the service of others, especially in the service of the Venusians. They were beginning to develop a new philosophy, a win/win philosophy. They wanted a world where everyone cared for themselves as well as for others.

Love Motivates Martians​

The Martians began building a fleet of spaceships that would carry them across the heavens to Venus. They had never felt so alive. Through glimpsing the Venusians, they were beginning to
have unselfish feelings for the first time in their history. Similarly, when a man is in lo ve he is motivated to be the best he can be in order to serve others. When his heart is open, he feels so confident in himself that he is capable of making major changes. Given the opportunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.
When a man is in love, he begins to care about another as much as himself. He is suddenly released from the binding chains of being motivated for himself alone and becomes free to give to another, not for personal gain, but out of caring. He experiences his partner''s fulfillment as if it were his own. He can easily endure any hardship to make her happy because her happiness makes him happy. His struggles become easier. He is energized with a higher purpose. In his youth he can be satisfied by serving himself alone, but as he matures self-gratification is no longer as satisfying. To experience fulfillment he must begin to live his life motivated by love. Being inspired to give in such a free and selfless way liberates him from the inertia of selfgratification devoid of caring for others. Although he still needs to receive love, his greatest need is to give love.
Most men are not only hungry to give love but are starving for it. Their biggest problem is that they do not know what they are missing. They rarely saw their fathers succeed in fulfilling their mothers through giving. As a result they do not know that a major source of fulfillment for a man can come through giving. When his relationships fail he finds himself depressed and
stuck in his ****. He stops caring and doesn''t know why he is so depressed.
At such times he withdraws from relationships or intimacy and remains stuck in his ****. He asks himself what it is all for, and why he should bother. He doesn''t know that he has stopped
caring because he doesn''t feel needed. He does not realize that by finding someone who needs him, he can shake off his depression and be motivated again.
When a man doesn''t feel he is making a positive difference in someone else''s fife, it is hard for him to continue caring about his fife and relationships. It is difficult to be motivated when he
is not needed. To become motivated again he needs to feel appreciated, trusted, and accepted. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.

WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN​

A woman falling in love with a man is similar to what took place when the first Venusian believed that the Martians were coming. She dreamed that a fleet of spaceships from the heavens would land and a race of strong and caring Martians would emerge. These beings would not need nurturing but instead wanted to provide for and take care of the Venusians.
These Martians were very devoted and were inspired by the Venusian beauty and culture. The Martians recognized that their power and competence were meaningless without someone to
serve. These wondrous and admirable beings had found relief and inspiration in the promise of servin g, pleasing, and fulfilling the Venusians. What a miracle! Other Venusians had similar dreams and instantly came out of their depressions. The
realization that transformed the Venusians was the belief that help was on the way because the Martians were coming. The Venusians had been depressed because they felt isolated and
alone. To come out of depression they needed to feel that loving help was on the way.
Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a
woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished.
Empathy, understanding, validation, and compassion go a long way to assist her in becoming more receptive and appreciative of his support. Men don''t realize this because their Martian
instincts tell them it''s best to be alone when they are upset. When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or if he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does not instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing are to her. What she needs most is just someone to listen.
Through sharing her feelings she begins to remember that she is worthy of love and that her needs will be fulfilled. Doubt and mistrust melt away. Her tendency to be compulsive relaxes
as she remembers that she is worthy of love-she doesn''t have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.

Tee Mad Giving Is Tiring​

To deal with their depression the Venusians were busy sharing their feelings and talking about their problems. As they talked they discovered the cause of their depression. They were tired of
giving so much all the time. They resented always feeling respon sible for one another. They wanted to relax and just be taken care of for a while. They were tired of sharing everything
with others. They wanted to be special and possess things that were their own. No longer were they satisfied being martyrs and living for others.
On Venus, they lived by lose/win philosophy-"I lose so that you can win." As long as everyone made sacrifices for others, then everyone was taken care of. But after doing this for centuries
the Venusians were fired of always caring about one another and sharing everything. They also were ready for a win/win philosophy.
Similarly, many women today are also tired of giving. They want time off. Time to explore being themselves. Time to care about themselves first. They want someone to provide emotional support, someone they don ''t ''have to take care of. The Martians fit the bill perfectly.
At this point the Martians were learning to give while the Venusians were now ready to learn how to receive. After centuries the Venusians and Martians had reached an important stage in their evolution. The Venusians needed to learn how to receive while the Martians needed to learn
how to give.
This same change commonly takes place In men and women as they mature. In her younger years, a woman is much more willing to sacrifice and mold herself to fulfill her partner''s needs.
In a man''s younger years, he is much more self-absorbed and unaware of the needs of others.
As a woman matures she realizes how she may have been giving up herself in order to please her partner. As a man matures he realizes how he can bet-ter serve and respect others.
As a man matures he also learns that he may be giving up himself, but his major change is becoming more aware of how he can succeed in giving. Likewise, as a woman matures she also learns new strategies for giving, but her major change tends to be learning to set limits in order to receive what she wants.

Giving UP Blame​

When a woman realizes she has been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for their unhappiness. She feels the injustice of giving more than she has received. Although she has not received what she deserved, to improve her relationships she needs to recognize how she contributed to the problem. When a woman gives too much she should not
blame her par tner. Similarly, a man who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive to him. In both cases, blaming does not work.
Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance, and support are the solution, not blaming our partners. When this situation occurs, instead of blaming his female partner for being resentful, a man can be cornpassionate and offer his support even if she doesn''t ask for It, listen to "0 her even if at first it sounds like blame, and help her to trust and open up to him by doing little things for her to show that he cares.
Instead of blaming a man for giving less, a woman can accept and forgive her partner''s imperfections, especially when he disappoints her, trust that he wants to give more when lie
doesn''t offer his support, and encourage him to give more by appreciating what he does give and continuing to ask for his support.

Chapter 4

How to Motivate the
Opposite ***​

Centuries before the Martians and Venusians got together they had been quite happy living intheir separate worlds. Then one day everything changed. The Martians and Venusians on their
respective planets suddenly became depressed. It was this depression, however, that motivatedthem eventually to come together.
Understanding the secrets of their transformation helps us today to recognize how men andwomen are motivated in different ways. With this new awareness you will be better equipped*****pport your partner as well as get the support you need at difficult and stressful times. Let''sgo back in time and pretend to witness what happened.
When the Martians became depressed, everyone on the planet left the cities and went totheir ****s for a long time. They were stuck and couldn''t come out, until one day when aMartian happened to glimpse the beautiful Venusians through his telescope. As he quicklyshared his telescope, the sight of these beautiful beings inspired the Martians, and theirdepression miraculously lifted. Suddenly they felt needed. They came out of their ****s andbegan budding a fleet of spaceships to fly to Venus.
When the Venusians became depressed, to feel better they formed circles and began talkingwith one another about their problems. But this didn''t seem to relieve the depression. They
stayed depressed for a long time until through their intuition they experienced a vision. Strongand wondrous beings (the Martians) would be coming across the universe to love, serve, andsupport them. Suddenly they felt cherished. As they shared their vision their depres sion lifted,and they happily began preparing for the arrival of the Martians.
These secrets of motivation are still applicable. Men are motivated and empowered whenthey feel needed. When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes
passive and less energized; with each passing day he has less to give the relationship. On theother hand, when he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his
efforts, he is empowered and has more to give.Like the Venusians, women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. When awoman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively responsible and exhausted from giving too much. On the other hand when she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.
WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN
A man falling in love with a woman is similar to what took place when the first Martian discovered the Venusians. Stuck in his **** and unable to find the source of his depression, he was searching the sky with his telescope. As if he had been struck by lightn ing, in one glorious moment his life was permanently changed. He had glimpsed through his telescope a vision he described as awesome beauty and grace.
He had discovered the Venusians. His body lit on fire. As he watched the Venusians, for the first time in his life he began to care about someone other than himself. From just one glimpse
his life had new meaning. His depression lifted.
Martians have a win/lose philosophy -l want to win, and 1 don''t care if you lose. As long as each Martian took care of himself this formula worked fine. It worked for centuries, but now it
needed to be changed. Giving primarily to themselves was no longer as satisfying. Being in love, they wanted the Venusians to win as much as themselves.
In most sports today we can see an extension of this Martian competitive code. For example, in tennis 1 not only want to win but also try to make my friend lose by making it difficult for him
to return my shots. 1 enjoy winning even though my friend loses.
Most of these Martian attitudes have a place in life, but this win/lose attitude becomes harmful in our adult relationships. If I seek to fulfill my own needs at the expense of my partner, we are sure to experience unhappiness, resentment, and conflict. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win.

Differences Attract​

After the first Martian fell in love, he began manufacturing telescopes for all his brother Martians. Very quickly they all came out of their depressions. They too began to feel love for
the Venusians. They started to care about the Venusians as much as themselves.
The strange and beautiful Venusians were a mysterious attraction to the Martians. Their differences especially attracted the Martians Where the Martians were hard, the Venusians
were soft. Where the Martians were angular, the Venusians were round. Where the Martians were cool, the Venusians were warm. In a magical and perfect way their differences seemed to
complement each other.
In an unspoken language the Venusians communicated loud and clear: "We need you. Your power and strength can bring us great fullfill filling a void deep within our being. Together we could five m great happiness." This invitation motivated and
empowered the Martians.
Many women instinctively understand how to give this message. in the beginning of a relationship, a woman gives a man a brief look that says you could he the one to make me
happy. In this subtle way she actually initiates their relationship. This look encourages him to come closer. It empowers him to overcome his fears of having a relationship. Unfortunately,
once they are in a relationship and as the problems begin to emerge, she doesn''t know how important that message still is to him and neglects to send it.
The Martians were very motivated by the possibility of making a difference on Venus. The Martian race was moving to a new level of evolution. They were no longer satisfied by just
proving themselves and developing their power. They wanted to use their power and skills in the service of others, especially in the service of the Venusians. They were beginning to develop a new philosophy, a win/win philosophy. They wanted a world where everyone cared for themselves as well as for others.

Love Motivates Martians​

The Martians began building a fleet of spaceships that would carry them across the heavens to Venus. They had never felt so alive. Through glimpsing the Venusians, they were beginning to
have unselfish feelings for the first time in their history. Similarly, when a man is in lo ve he is motivated to be the best he can be in order to serve others. When his heart is open, he feels so confident in himself that he is capable of making major changes. Given the opportunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.
When a man is in love, he begins to care about another as much as himself. He is suddenly released from the binding chains of being motivated for himself alone and becomes free to give to another, not for personal gain, but out of caring. He experiences his partner''s fulfillment as if it were his own. He can easily endure any hardship to make her happy because her happiness makes him happy. His struggles become easier. He is energized with a higher purpose. In his youth he can be satisfied by serving himself alone, but as he matures self-gratification is no longer as satisfying. To experience fulfillment he must begin to live his life motivated by love. Being inspired to give in such a free and selfless way liberates him from the inertia of selfgratification devoid of caring for others. Although he still needs to receive love, his greatest need is to give love.
Most men are not only hungry to give love but are starving for it. Their biggest problem is that they do not know what they are missing. They rarely saw their fathers succeed in fulfilling their mothers through giving. As a result they do not know that a major source of fulfillment for a man can come through giving. When his relationships fail he finds himself depressed and
stuck in his ****. He stops caring and doesn''t know why he is so depressed.
At such times he withdraws from relationships or intimacy and remains stuck in his ****. He asks himself what it is all for, and why he should bother. He doesn''t know that he has stopped
caring because he doesn''t feel needed. He does not realize that by finding someone who needs him, he can shake off his depression and be motivated again.
When a man doesn''t feel he is making a positive difference in someone else''s fife, it is hard for him to continue caring about his fife and relationships. It is difficult to be motivated when he
is not needed. To become motivated again he needs to feel appreciated, trusted, and accepted. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.

WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN​

A woman falling in love with a man is similar to what took place when the first Venusian believed that the Martians were coming. She dreamed that a fleet of spaceships from the heavens would land and a race of strong and caring Martians would emerge. These beings would not need nurturing but instead wanted to provide for and take care of the Venusians.
These Martians were very devoted and were inspired by the Venusian beauty and culture. The Martians recognized that their power and competence were meaningless without someone to
serve. These wondrous and admirable beings had found relief and inspiration in the promise of servin g, pleasing, and fulfilling the Venusians. What a miracle! Other Venusians had similar dreams and instantly came out of their depressions. The
realization that transformed the Venusians was the belief that help was on the way because the Martians were coming. The Venusians had been depressed because they felt isolated and
alone. To come out of depression they needed to feel that loving help was on the way.
Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a
woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished.
Empathy, understanding, validation, and compassion go a long way to assist her in becoming more receptive and appreciative of his support. Men don''t realize this because their Martian
instincts tell them it''s best to be alone when they are upset. When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or if he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does not instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing are to her. What she needs most is just someone to listen.
Through sharing her feelings she begins to remember that she is worthy of love and that her needs will be fulfilled. Doubt and mistrust melt away. Her tendency to be compulsive relaxes
as she remembers that she is worthy of love-she doesn''t have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.

Tee Mad Giving Is Tiring​

To deal with their depression the Venusians were busy sharing their feelings and talking about their problems. As they talked they discovered the cause of their depression. They were tired of
giving so much all the time. They resented always feeling respon sible for one another. They wanted to relax and just be taken care of for a while. They were tired of sharing everything
with others. They wanted to be special and possess things that were their own. No longer were they satisfied being martyrs and living for others.
On Venus, they lived by lose/win philosophy-"I lose so that you can win." As long as everyone made sacrifices for others, then everyone was taken care of. But after doing this for centuries
the Venusians were fired of always caring about one another and sharing everything. They also were ready for a win/win philosophy.
Similarly, many women today are also tired of giving. They want time off. Time to explore being themselves. Time to care about themselves first. They want someone to provide emotional support, someone they don ''t ''have to take care of. The Martians fit the bill perfectly.
At this point the Martians were learning to give while the Venusians were now ready to learn how to receive. After centuries the Venusians and Martians had reached an important stage in their evolution. The Venusians needed to learn how to receive while the Martians needed to learn
how to give.
This same change commonly takes place In men and women as they mature. In her younger years, a woman is much more willing to sacrifice and mold herself to fulfill her partner''s needs.
In a man''s younger years, he is much more self-absorbed and unaware of the needs of others.
As a woman matures she realizes how she may have been giving up herself in order to please her partner. As a man matures he realizes how he can bet-ter serve and respect others.
As a man matures he also learns that he may be giving up himself, but his major change is becoming more aware of how he can succeed in giving. Likewise, as a woman matures she also learns new strategies for giving, but her major change tends to be learning to set limits in order to receive what she wants.

Giving UP Blame​

When a woman realizes she has been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for their unhappiness. She feels the injustice of giving more than she has received. Although she has not received what she deserved, to improve her relationships she needs to recognize how she contributed to the problem. When a woman gives too much she should not
blame her par tner. Similarly, a man who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive to him. In both cases, blaming does not work.
Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance, and support are the solution, not blaming our partners. When this situation occurs, instead of blaming his female partner for being resentful, a man can be cornpassionate and offer his support even if she doesn''t ask for It, listen to "0 her even if at first it sounds like blame, and help her to trust and open up to him by doing little things for her to show that he cares.
Instead of blaming a man for giving less, a woman can accept and forgive her partner''s imperfections, especially when he disappoints her, trust that he wants to give more when lie
doesn''t offer his support, and encourage him to give more by appreciating what he does give and continuing to ask for his support.

SETTING AND RESPECTING LIMITS​

Most important, however, a woman needs to recognize her boundaries of what she can give without resenting her partner. Instead of expecting her partner to even the score, she needs to
keep it even by regulating how much she gives.
Let''s look at an example. Jim was thirty -nine and his wife, Susan, was fortyone when they came for counseling. Susan wanted a divorce. She complained that she had been giving more than he had for twelve years and could not take it any more. She blamed Jim for being lethargic, selfish, controlling, and unromantic. She said she had nothing left to give and was ready to leave. He convinced her to come to therapy, but she was doubtful. In a six -month period they were able to move through the three steps for healing a relationship. Today they are happily married with three children''.

Step 1: Motivation​

I explained to Jim that his wife was experienc ing twelve years of accumulated resentment. If he wanted to save this marriage, he would have to do a lot of listening for her to be motivated
to work on their marriage. For the first six sessions together, 1 encouraged Susan to share her feelings and helped Jim patiently to understand her negative feelings. This was the hardest part of their healing process. As he began to really hear her pain and unfulfilled needs, he became increasingly motivated and confident that he could make the changes necessary to have a loving relationship.
Before Susan could be motivated to work on their relationship, she needed to be heard and feel that Jim validated her feelings: this was the first step. After Susan fel t understood, they were
able to proceed to the next step.

Step 2: Responsibility​

The second step was taking responsibility. Jim needed to take responsibility for not supporting his wife, while Susan needed to take responsibility for not setting boundaries. Jim apologized
for the ways he had hurt her. Susan realized that just as he had stepped over her boundaries by treating her in disrespectful ways (such as yelling, grumbling, resisting requests, and
invalidating feelings), she had not set her boundaries .
Although she did not need to apologize, she did acknowledge some responsibility for their problems. As she gradually accepted that her inability to set limits and her tendency to give more had contributed to their problems, she was able to be more. forgiving. Taking responsibility for her problem was essential to releasing her resentment. In this way they both were motivated to learn new ways of supporting each other through respecting limits.

Step 3: Practice​

Jim particularly needed to learn how to respect her boundaries, while Susan needed to learn how to set them. Both of them needed to learn how to express honest feelings in a respectful
way. They agreed in this third step to practice setting and respecting limits, knowing that at times they would make mistakes. Being able to make mistakes gave them a safety net while they both practiced. These are some examples of what they learned and practiced:
* Susan practiced saying "I don''t like the way you are talking. Please stop yelling or 1 will leave the room." After leaving the room a few times, she didn''t need to do it anymore. ( When Jim
would make requests that she would later resent doing, she practiced saying "No, 1 need to relax" or "No, I''m too busy today." She discovered that he was more attentive to her because he understood how busy or tired she was. * Susan told Jim that she wanted to go on a vacation, and when he said he was too busy she said that she would go alone. Suddenly he shifted his schedule and wanted to go. * When they talked and Jim interrupted, she practiced saying "I''m not finished, please hear me out." Suddenly he started listening more and interrupting less.)
Susan''s most difficult task was to practice asking for what she wanted. She said to me, "Why should I have to ask, after all 1 have done for him?" I explained that making him responsible
for knowing her wants was not only unrealistic but a big part of her problem. She needed to be responsible for getting her needs fulfilled. * Jim''s most difficult challenge was to be respectful of her changes and not expect her to be the same accommodating partner he originally married.
He recognized that it was as difficult for her to set limits as it was for him to adjust to them. He understood that they would become graceful as they had more practice.
As a man experiences limits, he is motivated to give more. Through respecting limits, he automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness of his behavior patterns and to start
making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to sets limits, then automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and
receiving support. When a woman set limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more.

LEARNING TO RECEIVE​

Setting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She is commonly afraid of needing too much and then being rejected, judged, or abandoned. Rejection, judgment, and abandonment
are most painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had *****ppress her feelings, needs, or wishes.
A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn''t deserve to be loved. If as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more
vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in the unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates the fear of needing others. A part of
her imagines that she will not be supported. Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the- support she needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn''t trust him to fulfill her needs, then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that she
doesn''t trust him *****pport her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness.
At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has turned him off when in truth it is her hopelessness, desperation, and mistrust that has done so. Without recognizing
that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the difference between needing and neediness.
"Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. "Neediness," however, is desperately
needing support because you don''t trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated.
For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or abandoned is especially painful, even in the smallest ways. It is not easy for her to depend on others and then be ignored, forgotten, or dismissed. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy.

New the Venusians L~ to Feel Worthy​

For centuries the Venusians compensated for this fundamental fear of unworthiness by being attentive and responsive to the needs of others. They would give and give, but deep inside they
did not feel worthy of receiving. They hoped that by giving they would become more worthy.
After centuries of giving they finally realized that they were worthy of receiving love and support. Then they looked back and realized that they had always been worthy of support.
This process of giving to others prepared them for the wisdom of selfesteem. Through giving to others they came to see that others truly were worthy of receiving, and thus they began to see
that everyone deserved to be loved. Then, finally, they saw that they too deserved to receive.
Here on Earth, when a little girl experiences her mother receiv ing love, then automatically she feels worthy. She is able easily to overcome the Venusian compulsion to give too much. She
doesn''t have to overcome a fear of receiving because she identifies so closely with her mother.
If her mother has learned this wisdom then the child automatically learns it through observing and feeling her mother. If the mother is open to receive, then the child learns how to receive.
The Venusians, however, did not have role models, so it took them thousands of years to give up their compulsive giving. Through gradually seeing that others were worthy of receiving,
they realized that they also were worthy of receiving. At that magical moment the Martians also went through a transformation and began building spaceships.
Who the Venusian Is Ready the Martian Will Appear When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she is opening the door for a man to give to her. But when it takes her ten years of overgiving in a marriage to realize that she deserves more, ironically, she feels like closing the door and not giving him the chance. She may feel something like this: "I have given to you and you have ignored me. You had your chance. I deserve better. I can''t trust you. I am too tired, 1 have nothing left to give. I will not let you hurt me again."
Repeatedly, when this is the case, I have assured women that they don''t have to give more to have a better relationship. Their partner actually will give them more if they give less. When a
man has been ignoring her needs, it is as though they have both been asleep. When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more.
Predictably, her partner will wake up from his passive state and truly make many of the changes she requires. When she is no longer giving too much, because she is feeling worthy inside herself, he comes out of his **** and starts building spaceships to come and make her happy. It may take him a while actually to learn to give her more, but the most important step is taken-he is aware that he has neglected her and he wants to change.
It also works the other way around. Usually when a man realizes that he is unhappy and wants more romance and love in his life, his wife will suddenly begin to open up and love him again.
The walls of resentment begin to melt, and love comes back to life. If there has been a lot of neglect it may take a while truly to heal all the accumulated resentments, but it is possible. In
chapter 11, 1 will discuss easy and practical techniques to heal these resentmen ts.
Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change the other will also change. This predictable coincidence is one of those magical things about life. When the student is ready the
teacher appears. When the question is asked then the answer is heard. When we are truly ready to receive then what we need will become available. When the Venusians were ready to
receive, the Martians were ready to give.

LEARNING TO GIVE​

A man''s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. He compensates for this fear by focusing on increasing his power and competence. Success, achievement, and efficiency are foremost in his life. Before they discovered the Venusians, the Martians were so concerned with these qualities that they didn''t care abou t anything or anybody else. A man appears most uncaring when he is afraid.
just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving.
To extend himself in giving to others means to risk failure, correction, and disapproval. These consequences are most painful because deep inside his unconscious he holds an incorrect belief that he is not good enough.
This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time he thought he was expected to do better. When his accomplishments went unnoticed or were unappreciated, deep in his unconscious he began forming the incorrect belief that he was not good enough.
A man is particularly vulnerable to this incorrect belief. It gener- ates within him the fear of failing. He wants to give but is afraid he will fail, so he doesn''t try. If his biggest fear is inadequacy, he naturally is going to avoid any unnecessary risks. Ironically, when a man really cares a lot his fear of failure increases, and he gives less. To avoid failure he stops giving to the people he wants to give to the most.
When a man is insecure he may compensate by not caring about anybody except himself. His most automatic defensive response is to say "I don''t care." For this reason, the Martians did not let themselves feel or care too much for others. By becoming successful and powerful they finally realized that they were good enough and that they could succeed in giving. They then discovered the Venusians.
Although they had always been good enough, the process of proving their power prepared them for the wisdom of self-esteem. Through becoming successful and then looking back, they realized that their every failure was necessary to achieve their later successes. Every mistake had taught them a very important lesson rice~ to achieve their goals. Thus they realized they had always been good enough.

It Is OK to Make Mistakes​

The first step for a man in learning how to give more is to realize that it is OK to make mistakes and it is OK to fail and that he doesn''t have to have all the answers.
I remember the story of a woman who complained that her partner would never make a commitment to marriage. To her it seemed that he did not care as much as she did. One day,
however, she happened to say that she was so happy being with him. Even if they were poor, she would want to be with him. The next day he proposed. He needed the acceptance and
encouragement that he was good enough for her, and then he could feel how much he cared.

Martians Need Love Too​

Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they don''t get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. This is why it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, be feels like a failure. Her unhappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is just not good enough. Many women today don''t realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too. Love helps him to know that he is enough to fulfill others.
A young boy who is fortunate enough to see his father succeed in fulfilling his mother enters relationships as an adult with a rare confidence that he can succeed in fulfilling his partner. He
is not terrified of commitment because he knows he can deliver. He also knows that when he doesn''t deliver he is still adequate and still deserves love and appreciation for doing his best.
He does not condemn himself because he knows he is not perfect and that he is always doing his best and his best is good enough. He is able to apologize for his mistakes because he expects forgiveness, love, and appreciation for doing his best.
He knows that everyone makes mistakes. He saw his father make mistakes and continue to love himself. He witnessed his mother loving and forgiving his father through all his mistakes.
He felt her trust and encouragement, even though at times his father had disappointed her.
Many men did not have successful role models while they were growing up. For them staying in love, getting married, and having a family is as difficult as flying a jumbo jet without any
training. He may be able to take off, but he is sure to crash. It is difficult to continue flying once you have crashed the plane a few times. Or if you witnessed your father crash. Without a food training manual for relationships, it is easy to understand why many men and women give up on relationships.

SETTING AND RESPECTING LIMITS​

Most important, however, a woman needs to recognize her boundaries of what she can give without resenting her partner. Instead of expecting her partner to even the score, she needs to
keep it even by regulating how much she gives.
Let''s look at an example. Jim was thirty -nine and his wife, Susan, was fortyone when they came for counseling. Susan wanted a divorce. She complained that she had been giving more than he had for twelve years and could not take it any more. She blamed Jim for being lethargic, selfish, controlling, and unromantic. She said she had nothing left to give and was ready to leave. He convinced her to come to therapy, but she was doubtful. In a six -month period they were able to move through the three steps for healing a relationship. Today they are happily married with three children''.

Step 1: Motivation​

I explained to Jim that his wife was experienc ing twelve years of accumulated resentment. If he wanted to save this marriage, he would have to do a lot of listening for her to be motivated
to work on their marriage. For the first six sessions together, 1 encouraged Susan to share her feelings and helped Jim patiently to understand her negative feelings. This was the hardest part of their healing process. As he began to really hear her pain and unfulfilled needs, he became increasingly motivated and confident that he could make the changes necessary to have a loving relationship.
Before Susan could be motivated to work on their relationship, she needed to be heard and feel that Jim validated her feelings: this was the first step. After Susan fel t understood, they were
able to proceed to the next step.

Step 2: Responsibility​

The second step was taking responsibility. Jim needed to take responsibility for not supporting his wife, while Susan needed to take responsibility for not setting boundaries. Jim apologized
for the ways he had hurt her. Susan realized that just as he had stepped over her boundaries by treating her in disrespectful ways (such as yelling, grumbling, resisting requests, and
invalidating feelings), she had not set her boundaries .
Although she did not need to apologize, she did acknowledge some responsibility for their problems. As she gradually accepted that her inability to set limits and her tendency to give more had contributed to their problems, she was able to be more. forgiving. Taking responsibility for her problem was essential to releasing her resentment. In this way they both were motivated to learn new ways of supporting each other through respecting limits.

Step 3: Practice​

Jim particularly needed to learn how to respect her boundaries, while Susan needed to learn how to set them. Both of them needed to learn how to express honest feelings in a respectful
way. They agreed in this third step to practice setting and respecting limits, knowing that at times they would make mistakes. Being able to make mistakes gave them a safety net while they both practiced. These are some examples of what they learned and practiced:
* Susan practiced saying "I don''t like the way you are talking. Please stop yelling or 1 will leave the room." After leaving the room a few times, she didn''t need to do it anymore. ( When Jim
would make requests that she would later resent doing, she practiced saying "No, 1 need to relax" or "No, I''m too busy today." She discovered that he was more attentive to her because he understood how busy or tired she was. * Susan told Jim that she wanted to go on a vacation, and when he said he was too busy she said that she would go alone. Suddenly he shifted his schedule and wanted to go. * When they talked and Jim interrupted, she practiced saying "I''m not finished, please hear me out." Suddenly he started listening more and interrupting less.)
Susan''s most difficult task was to practice asking for what she wanted. She said to me, "Why should I have to ask, after all 1 have done for him?" I explained that making him responsible
for knowing her wants was not only unrealistic but a big part of her problem. She needed to be responsible for getting her needs fulfilled. * Jim''s most difficult challenge was to be respectful of her changes and not expect her to be the same accommodating partner he originally married.
He recognized that it was as difficult for her to set limits as it was for him to adjust to them. He understood that they would become graceful as they had more practice.
As a man experiences limits, he is motivated to give more. Through respecting limits, he automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness of his behavior patterns and to start
making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to sets limits, then automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and
receiving support. When a woman set limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more.

LEARNING TO RECEIVE​

Setting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She is commonly afraid of needing too much and then being rejected, judged, or abandoned. Rejection, judgment, and abandonment
are most painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had *****ppress her feelings, needs, or wishes.
A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn''t deserve to be loved. If as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more
vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in the unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates the fear of needing others. A part of
her imagines that she will not be supported. Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the- support she needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn''t trust him to fulfill her needs, then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that she
doesn''t trust him *****pport her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness.
At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has turned him off when in truth it is her hopelessness, desperation, and mistrust that has done so. Without recognizing
that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the difference between needing and neediness.
"Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. "Neediness," however, is desperately
needing support because you don''t trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated.
For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or abandoned is especially painful, even in the smallest ways. It is not easy for her to depend on others and then be ignored, forgotten, or dismissed. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy.

New the Venusians L~ to Feel Worthy​

For centuries the Venusians compensated for this fundamental fear of unworthiness by being attentive and responsive to the needs of others. They would give and give, but deep inside they
did not feel worthy of receiving. They hoped that by giving they would become more worthy.
After centuries of giving they finally realized that they were worthy of receiving love and support. Then they looked back and realized that they had always been worthy of support.
This process of giving to others prepared them for the wisdom of selfesteem. Through giving to others they came to see that others truly were worthy of receiving, and thus they began to see
that everyone deserved to be loved. Then, finally, they saw that they too deserved to receive.
Here on Earth, when a little girl experiences her mother receiv ing love, then automatically she feels worthy. She is able easily to overcome the Venusian compulsion to give too much. She
doesn''t have to overcome a fear of receiving because she identifies so closely with her mother.
If her mother has learned this wisdom then the child automatically learns it through observing and feeling her mother. If the mother is open to receive, then the child learns how to receive.
The Venusians, however, did not have role models, so it took them thousands of years to give up their compulsive giving. Through gradually seeing that others were worthy of receiving,
they realized that they also were worthy of receiving. At that magical moment the Martians also went through a transformation and began building spaceships.
Who the Venusian Is Ready the Martian Will Appear When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she is opening the door for a man to give to her. But when it takes her ten years of overgiving in a marriage to realize that she deserves more, ironically, she feels like closing the door and not giving him the chance. She may feel something like this: "I have given to you and you have ignored me. You had your chance. I deserve better. I can''t trust you. I am too tired, 1 have nothing left to give. I will not let you hurt me again."
Repeatedly, when this is the case, I have assured women that they don''t have to give more to have a better relationship. Their partner actually will give them more if they give less. When a
man has been ignoring her needs, it is as though they have both been asleep. When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more.
Predictably, her partner will wake up from his passive state and truly make many of the changes she requires. When she is no longer giving too much, because she is feeling worthy inside herself, he comes out of his **** and starts building spaceships to come and make her happy. It may take him a while actually to learn to give her more, but the most important step is taken-he is aware that he has neglected her and he wants to change.
It also works the other way around. Usually when a man realizes that he is unhappy and wants more romance and love in his life, his wife will suddenly begin to open up and love him again.
The walls of resentment begin to melt, and love comes back to life. If there has been a lot of neglect it may take a while truly to heal all the accumulated resentments, but it is possible. In
chapter 11, 1 will discuss easy and practical techniques to heal these resentmen ts.
Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change the other will also change. This predictable coincidence is one of those magical things about life. When the student is ready the
teacher appears. When the question is asked then the answer is heard. When we are truly ready to receive then what we need will become available. When the Venusians were ready to
receive, the Martians were ready to give.

LEARNING TO GIVE​

A man''s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. He compensates for this fear by focusing on increasing his power and competence. Success, achievement, and efficiency are foremost in his life. Before they discovered the Venusians, the Martians were so concerned with these qualities that they didn''t care abou t anything or anybody else. A man appears most uncaring when he is afraid.
just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving.
To extend himself in giving to others means to risk failure, correction, and disapproval. These consequences are most painful because deep inside his unconscious he holds an incorrect belief that he is not good enough.
This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time he thought he was expected to do better. When his accomplishments went unnoticed or were unappreciated, deep in his unconscious he began forming the incorrect belief that he was not good enough.
A man is particularly vulnerable to this incorrect belief. It gener- ates within him the fear of failing. He wants to give but is afraid he will fail, so he doesn''t try. If his biggest fear is inadequacy, he naturally is going to avoid any unnecessary risks. Ironically, when a man really cares a lot his fear of failure increases, and he gives less. To avoid failure he stops giving to the people he wants to give to the most.
When a man is insecure he may compensate by not caring about anybody except himself. His most automatic defensive response is to say "I don''t care." For this reason, the Martians did not let themselves feel or care too much for others. By becoming successful and powerful they finally realized that they were good enough and that they could succeed in giving. They then discovered the Venusians.
Although they had always been good enough, the process of proving their power prepared them for the wisdom of self-esteem. Through becoming successful and then looking back, they realized that their every failure was necessary to achieve their later successes. Every mistake had taught them a very important lesson rice~ to achieve their goals. Thus they realized they had always been good enough.

It Is OK to Make Mistakes​

The first step for a man in learning how to give more is to realize that it is OK to make mistakes and it is OK to fail and that he doesn''t have to have all the answers.
I remember the story of a woman who complained that her partner would never make a commitment to marriage. To her it seemed that he did not care as much as she did. One day,
however, she happened to say that she was so happy being with him. Even if they were poor, she would want to be with him. The next day he proposed. He needed the acceptance and
encouragement that he was good enough for her, and then he could feel how much he cared.

Martians Need Love Too​

Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they don''t get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. This is why it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, be feels like a failure. Her unhappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is just not good enough. Many women today don''t realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too. Love helps him to know that he is enough to fulfill others.
A young boy who is fortunate enough to see his father succeed in fulfilling his mother enters relationships as an adult with a rare confidence that he can succeed in fulfilling his partner. He
is not terrified of commitment because he knows he can deliver. He also knows that when he doesn''t deliver he is still adequate and still deserves love and appreciation for doing his best.
He does not condemn himself because he knows he is not perfect and that he is always doing his best and his best is good enough. He is able to apologize for his mistakes because he expects forgiveness, love, and appreciation for doing his best.
He knows that everyone makes mistakes. He saw his father make mistakes and continue to love himself. He witnessed his mother loving and forgiving his father through all his mistakes.
He felt her trust and encouragement, even though at times his father had disappointed her.
Many men did not have successful role models while they were growing up. For them staying in love, getting married, and having a family is as difficult as flying a jumbo jet without any
training. He may be able to take off, but he is sure to crash. It is difficult to continue flying once you have crashed the plane a few times. Or if you witnessed your father crash. Without a food training manual for relationships, it is easy to understand why many men and women give up on relationships.

Chapter 5
Speaking
Different Languages​

When the Martians and Venusians first got together, they encountered many of the problems with relationships we have today. Because they recognized that they were different, they were able to solve these problems. One of the secrets of their success was good communication. Ironically, they communicated well because they spoke different languages. When they had problems, they would just go to a translator for assistance. Everyone knew that people from Mars and people from Venus spoke different languages, so when there was a conflict they didn''t start judging or fighting but instead pulled out their phrase dictionaries to understand each other more fully. If that didn''t work they went to a translator for help.
You see the Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings. Their expressions were similar, but they had different connotations or emotional emphasis. Misinterpreting each other was very easy. SO when communication problems emerged, they assumed it was just one of those expected misunderstandings and that with a little assistance they would surely understand each other. They experienced a trust and
acceptance that we rarely experience today.

EXPRESSING FEELINGS VERSUS EXPRESSING INFORMATION​

Even today we still need translators. Men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same words. For example, when a woman says "I feel like you never listen," she does not expect the word never to be taken literally. Using the word never is just a way of expressing the frustration she is feeling at the moment. It is not to be taken as if it were factual
information.
TO fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they
misunderstand the intended meaning, they commonly react in an unsupportive manner. In the following chart ten complaints easily misinterpreted are fisted, as well as how a man might
respond unsupportively.

TEN COMMON COMPLAINTS THAT ARE EASILY MISINTERPRETED​

Women -M things like this Men respond like this
"We never go out." "That''s not true. We went out last week."
"Everyone ignores me." "I''m sure some people notice you."
Women My things like this Men respond like this
"I am so fired, 1 can''t do anything.,'' "That''s ridiculous. You are not he~"
"I want to forget everything." "If you don''t like your Job, then
quit."
"The house is always a mess." "It''s not always a mess."
"No one listens to me anymore." "But 1 am listening to you right
now."
"Nothing is working." "Are you saying it is my fault?"
"You don''t love me anymore." "Of course 1 do. That''s why
I''m here."
"We are always in a hurry." "We are not. Friday we were
relaxed. "
"I want more romance." "Are you saying 1 am not
romantic?"
You can see how a "literal" translation of a woman''s words could easily mislead a man who is used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information. We can also see how a man''s responses might lead to an argument. Unclear and unloving communication is the biggest problem in relationships. The number one complaint women have in relationships is:
"I don''t feel heard." Even this complaint is misunderstood and misinterpreted!
A man''s literal translation of "I don''t feel heard" leads him to invalidate and argue with her feelings. He thinks he has heard her if he can repeat what she has said. A translation of a
woman saying "I don''t feel heard" so that a man could correctly Interpret it is: -I feel as though you don''t fully understand what 1 really mean to say or care about how 1 feel. Would you show me that you are interested in what 1 have to say?"
If a man really understood her complaint then he would argue
less and be able to respond more positively. When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally m isunderstanding each other. At such times, it is important to rethink or translate what they have heard.
Because many men don''t understand that women express feelings differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner''s feelings. This leads to arguments. The ancient Martians learned to avoid many arguments through correct understanding. Whenever listening stirred up some resistance, they consulted their Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary for a correct interpretation.

WHEN VENUSIANS TALK​

The following section contains various excerpts from the lost Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary. Each of the ten complaints listed above is translated so that a man can understand their real and intended meaning. Each translation also contains a hint of how she wants him to respond.
You see, when a Venusian is upset she not only uses generalities, and so forth, but also is asking for a particular kind of support. She doesn''t directly ask for that support because on
Venus everyone knew that dramatic language implied a particular request.
In each of the translations this hidden request for support is revealed. If a man listening to a woman can recognize the implied request and respond accordingly, she will feel truly heard and loved.

The Venusian/Martinn Phrase Dictionary​

"We never go out" translated into Martian means "I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and 1 love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It has been a few days since we
went out."
Without this translation, when a woman says "We never go out" a man may hear "You are n ot doing your job. What a disappointment you have turned out to be. We never do anything
together anymore because you are lazy, unromantic, and just boring."
"Everyone ignores me" translated into Martian means "Today, I am feeling ignored and unacknowledged. I feel as though nobody sees me. Of course I''m sure some people see me, but
they don''t seem to care about me. I suppose I am also disappointed that you have been so busy lately. 1 really do appreciate how hard you are working and sometimes I start to feel like 1 am not important to you. I am afraid your work is more important than me. Would you give me a hug and tell me how special 1 am to you?"
Without this translation, when a woman says "Everyone ignores me" a man may hear "I am so unhappy. I just can''t get the attention 1 need. Everything is completely hopeless. Even you
don''t notice me, and you are the person who is supposed to love me. You should be ashamed.
You are so unloving. I would never ignore you this way."
"I am so tired, I can''t do anything" translated into Martian means "I have been doing so much today. 1 really need a rest before I can do anything more. 1 am so lucky to have your support.
Would you give me a hug and reassure me that 1 am doing a good Job and that I deserve a rest?"
Without this translation, when a woman says "I am so tired, I can''t do anything" a man may hear "I do everything and you do
nothing. You should do more. I can''t do it all. I feel so hopeless. I want a ''real man'' to live with.
Picking you was a big mistake."
"I want to forget everything" translated into Martian means "I want you to know that I love my work and my life but today I am so overwhelmed. 1 would love to do something really nurturing for myself before 1 have to be responsible again. Would you ask me ''What''s the matter?'' and then listen with empathy without offering any solutions? 1 just want to feel you
understanding the pressures 1 feel. It would make me feel so much better. It helps me to relax.
Tomorrow I will get back to being responsible and handling things."
Without this translation, when a woman says "I want to forget everything" a man may hear "I have to do so much that I don''t want to do. 1 am so unhappy with you and our relationship. I
want a better partner who can make my life more fulfilling. You are doing a terrible job."
"This house is always a mess" translated into Martian means "Today 1 feel like relaxing, but the
house is so messy. I am frustrated and I need a rest. I hope you don''t expect me to clean it all up. Would you agree with me that it is a mess and then offer to help clean up part of it?"
Without this translation, when a woman says "This house is always a mess" a man may hear
"This house is a mess because of you. 1 do everything possible to clean it up, and before I have finished, you have messed it up again. You are a lazy slob and I don''t want to live with you unless you change. Clean up or clear out!
"No one listens to me anymore" translated into Martian means "I am afraid 1 am boring to you.
I am afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give me some special attention? 1 would love it. I''ve had a hard day and feel as though no one wants to hear what 1 have to say.
"Would you listen to me and continue to ask me supportive questions such as: ''What happened today? What else happened? How did you feel? What did you want? How else do you feel?''
Also support me by saying caring, acknowledging, and reassuring statements such as: ''Tell me more'' or ''That''s right'' or ''I know what you mean'' or ''I understand.'' Or just listen, and
occasionally when I pause make one of these reassuring sounds: ''oh,"humph,"uh -huh,'' and ''hmmm."'' (Note: Martians had never heard of these sounds before arriving on Venus.)
Without this translation, when a woman says "No one listens to me anymore" he may hear "I give you my attention but you don''t listen to me. You used to. You have become a very boring
person to be with. I want someone exciting and interesting and you are definitel y not that person. You have disappointed me. You are selfish, uncaring, and bad."
"Nothing is working" translated into Martian means "Today 1 am so overwhelmed and I am so grateful that I can share my feelings with you. It helps me so much to feel better. Today it
seems like nothing 1 do works. 1 know that this is not true, but 1 sure feel that way when I get so overwhelmed by all the things I still have to do. Would you give me a hug and tell me that I
am doing a great job. It would sure feel good."
Without this translation, when a woman says "Nothing is working" a man may hear "You never do anything right. I can''t trust you. If I hadn''t listened to you I wouldn''t be in this mess.
Another man would have fixed things, but you made them worse."

Chapter 5
Speaking
Different Languages​

When the Martians and Venusians first got together, they encountered many of the problems with relationships we have today. Because they recognized that they were different, they were able to solve these problems. One of the secrets of their success was good communication. Ironically, they communicated well because they spoke different languages. When they had problems, they would just go to a translator for assistance. Everyone knew that people from Mars and people from Venus spoke different languages, so when there was a conflict they didn''t start judging or fighting but instead pulled out their phrase dictionaries to understand each other more fully. If that didn''t work they went to a translator for help.
You see the Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings. Their expressions were similar, but they had different connotations or emotional emphasis. Misinterpreting each other was very easy. SO when communication problems emerged, they assumed it was just one of those expected misunderstandings and that with a little assistance they would surely understand each other. They experienced a trust and
acceptance that we rarely experience today.

EXPRESSING FEELINGS VERSUS EXPRESSING INFORMATION​

Even today we still need translators. Men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same words. For example, when a woman says "I feel like you never listen," she does not expect the word never to be taken literally. Using the word never is just a way of expressing the frustration she is feeling at the moment. It is not to be taken as if it were factual
information.
TO fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they
misunderstand the intended meaning, they commonly react in an unsupportive manner. In the following chart ten complaints easily misinterpreted are fisted, as well as how a man might
respond unsupportively.

TEN COMMON COMPLAINTS THAT ARE EASILY MISINTERPRETED​

Women -M things like this Men respond like this
"We never go out." "That''s not true. We went out last week."
"Everyone ignores me." "I''m sure some people notice you."
Women My things like this Men respond like this
"I am so fired, 1 can''t do anything.,'' "That''s ridiculous. You are not he~"
"I want to forget everything." "If you don''t like your Job, then
quit."
"The house is always a mess." "It''s not always a mess."
"No one listens to me anymore." "But 1 am listening to you right
now."
"Nothing is working." "Are you saying it is my fault?"
"You don''t love me anymore." "Of course 1 do. That''s why
I''m here."
"We are always in a hurry." "We are not. Friday we were
relaxed. "
"I want more romance." "Are you saying 1 am not
romantic?"
You can see how a "literal" translation of a woman''s words could easily mislead a man who is used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information. We can also see how a man''s responses might lead to an argument. Unclear and unloving communication is the biggest problem in relationships. The number one complaint women have in relationships is:
"I don''t feel heard." Even this complaint is misunderstood and misinterpreted!
A man''s literal translation of "I don''t feel heard" leads him to invalidate and argue with her feelings. He thinks he has heard her if he can repeat what she has said. A translation of a
woman saying "I don''t feel heard" so that a man could correctly Interpret it is: -I feel as though you don''t fully understand what 1 really mean to say or care about how 1 feel. Would you show me that you are interested in what 1 have to say?"
If a man really understood her complaint then he would argue
less and be able to respond more positively. When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally m isunderstanding each other. At such times, it is important to rethink or translate what they have heard.
Because many men don''t understand that women express feelings differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner''s feelings. This leads to arguments. The ancient Martians learned to avoid many arguments through correct understanding. Whenever listening stirred up some resistance, they consulted their Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary for a correct interpretation.

WHEN VENUSIANS TALK​

The following section contains various excerpts from the lost Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary. Each of the ten complaints listed above is translated so that a man can understand their real and intended meaning. Each translation also contains a hint of how she wants him to respond.
You see, when a Venusian is upset she not only uses generalities, and so forth, but also is asking for a particular kind of support. She doesn''t directly ask for that support because on
Venus everyone knew that dramatic language implied a particular request.
In each of the translations this hidden request for support is revealed. If a man listening to a woman can recognize the implied request and respond accordingly, she will feel truly heard and loved.

The Venusian/Martinn Phrase Dictionary​

"We never go out" translated into Martian means "I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and 1 love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It has been a few days since we
went out."
Without this translation, when a woman says "We never go out" a man may hear "You are n ot doing your job. What a disappointment you have turned out to be. We never do anything
together anymore because you are lazy, unromantic, and just boring."
"Everyone ignores me" translated into Martian means "Today, I am feeling ignored and unacknowledged. I feel as though nobody sees me. Of course I''m sure some people see me, but
they don''t seem to care about me. I suppose I am also disappointed that you have been so busy lately. 1 really do appreciate how hard you are working and sometimes I start to feel like 1 am not important to you. I am afraid your work is more important than me. Would you give me a hug and tell me how special 1 am to you?"
Without this translation, when a woman says "Everyone ignores me" a man may hear "I am so unhappy. I just can''t get the attention 1 need. Everything is completely hopeless. Even you
don''t notice me, and you are the person who is supposed to love me. You should be ashamed.
You are so unloving. I would never ignore you this way."
"I am so tired, I can''t do anything" translated into Martian means "I have been doing so much today. 1 really need a rest before I can do anything more. 1 am so lucky to have your support.
Would you give me a hug and reassure me that 1 am doing a good Job and that I deserve a rest?"
Without this translation, when a woman says "I am so tired, I can''t do anything" a man may hear "I do everything and you do
nothing. You should do more. I can''t do it all. I feel so hopeless. I want a ''real man'' to live with.
Picking you was a big mistake."
"I want to forget everything" translated into Martian means "I want you to know that I love my work and my life but today I am so overwhelmed. 1 would love to do something really nurturing for myself before 1 have to be responsible again. Would you ask me ''What''s the matter?'' and then listen with empathy without offering any solutions? 1 just want to feel you
understanding the pressures 1 feel. It would make me feel so much better. It helps me to relax.
Tomorrow I will get back to being responsible and handling things."
Without this translation, when a woman says "I want to forget everything" a man may hear "I have to do so much that I don''t want to do. 1 am so unhappy with you and our relationship. I
want a better partner who can make my life more fulfilling. You are doing a terrible job."
"This house is always a mess" translated into Martian means "Today 1 feel like relaxing, but the
house is so messy. I am frustrated and I need a rest. I hope you don''t expect me to clean it all up. Would you agree with me that it is a mess and then offer to help clean up part of it?"
Without this translation, when a woman says "This house is always a mess" a man may hear
"This house is a mess because of you. 1 do everything possible to clean it up, and before I have finished, you have messed it up again. You are a lazy slob and I don''t want to live with you unless you change. Clean up or clear out!
"No one listens to me anymore" translated into Martian means "I am afraid 1 am boring to you.
I am afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give me some special attention? 1 would love it. I''ve had a hard day and feel as though no one wants to hear what 1 have to say.
"Would you listen to me and continue to ask me supportive questions such as: ''What happened today? What else happened? How did you feel? What did you want? How else do you feel?''
Also support me by saying caring, acknowledging, and reassuring statements such as: ''Tell me more'' or ''That''s right'' or ''I know what you mean'' or ''I understand.'' Or just listen, and
occasionally when I pause make one of these reassuring sounds: ''oh,"humph,"uh -huh,'' and ''hmmm."'' (Note: Martians had never heard of these sounds before arriving on Venus.)
Without this translation, when a woman says "No one listens to me anymore" he may hear "I give you my attention but you don''t listen to me. You used to. You have become a very boring
person to be with. I want someone exciting and interesting and you are definitel y not that person. You have disappointed me. You are selfish, uncaring, and bad."
"Nothing is working" translated into Martian means "Today 1 am so overwhelmed and I am so grateful that I can share my feelings with you. It helps me so much to feel better. Today it
seems like nothing 1 do works. 1 know that this is not true, but 1 sure feel that way when I get so overwhelmed by all the things I still have to do. Would you give me a hug and tell me that I
am doing a great job. It would sure feel good."
Without this translation, when a woman says "Nothing is working" a man may hear "You never do anything right. I can''t trust you. If I hadn''t listened to you I wouldn''t be in this mess.
Another man would have fixed things, but you made them worse."

"You don''t love me anymore" translated into Martian means "Today I am feeling as though you don''t love me. I am afraid I have pushed you away. I know you really do love me, you do so much for me. Today 1 am just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure me of your love and tell me those three magic words, I love you. When you do that it feels so good."
Without this translation, when a woman says "You don''t love me anymore" a man may hear "I have given you the best years of my life, and you have given me nothing. You used me. You are
selfish and cold. You do what you want to do, for you and only you. You do not care about anybody. I was a fool for loving you. Now 1 have nothing."
"We are always in a hurry" translated into Martian means "I feel so rushed today. I don''t like rushing. I wish our life was not so hurried. I know it is nobody''s fault and I certainly don''t
blame you. 1 know you are doing your best to get us there on time and I really appreciate how much you care.
"Would you empathize with me and say something like, ''It is hard always rushing around. 1 don''t always like rushing either.`
Without this translation, when a woman says "We are always in a hurry" a man may hear "You are so irresponsible. You wait until the last minute to do everything. I can never be happy
when I am with you. We are always rushing to avoid being late. You ruin things every time I am with you. I am so much happier when I am not around you."
"I want more romance" translated into Martian means "Sweetheart, you have been working so hard lately. Lees take some time out for ourselves. I love it when we can relax and be alone without the kids around and no work pressures. You are so romantic. Would you surprise me with flowers sometime soon and take me out on a date? I love being romanced."
Without this translation, when a woman says "I want more romance" a man may hear "You don''t satisfy me anymore. 1 am not turned on to you. Your romantic skills are definitely
inadequate. You have never really fulfilled me. 1 wish you were more like other men I have been with."
After using this dictionary for a few years, a man doesn''t need to pick it up each time he feels blamed or criticized. He begins to understand the way women think and feel. He learns that
these kinds of dramatic phrases are not to be taken literally. They are just the way women express feeling more fully. That''s the way it was done on Venus and people from Mars need to
remember that!

WHEN MARTIANS DON''T TALK​

One of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and
support a man when he isn''t talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women.
Quite often a man will suddenly stop communicating and become silent. This was unheard of on Venus. At first a woman thinks the man is deaf. She thinks that maybe he doesn''t hear
what''s being said and that is why he is not responding.
You see men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. Even today, a woman
often dis covers what she wants to say through the process of just talking. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. This
process is perfectly normal and especially necessary sometimes.
But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently "mull over" or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they
figure out the most correct or useful response. They first formulate it inside and then express it.
This process could take from minutes to hours. And to make matters even more confusing for women, if he does not have enough information to process an answer, a man may not respond at all.
Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying "I don''t know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it." Instead what they hear is "I am not responding to you because 1
don''t care about you and 1 am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important and therefore I am not responding."
Now She Reacts to His Silence
Women misinterpret a man''s silence. Depending on how she is feeling that day she may begin to imagine the very worst-"He hates me, he doesn''t love me, he is leaving me forever." This may then trigger her deepest fear, which is "I am afraid that if he rejects me then 1 will never be loved. 1 don''t deserve to be loved."
When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst because the only times a woman would be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didn''t
want to talk to a person because she didn''t trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with hirn. No wonder women become insecure when a man suddenly becomes quiet!
When a woman listens to another woman, she will continue to reassure the speaker that she is listening and that she cares. Instinctively when the speaker pauses the female listener will
reassure the speaker by making reassuring responses like "oh, uh-huh, hmmm, ah, ah-ha, or humph."
Without these reassuring responses, a man''s silence can be very threatening. Through understanding a man''s ****, women can learn to interpret a man''s silence correctly, and to
respond to it.
Understanding the Cove
Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be really fulfilling. They need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to
his "****" to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that ****, not even the man''s best friends. This was the way it was on Mars. Women should not become scared that
they have done something terribly wrong. They need gradually to learn that if you just let men go into their ****s, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine.
This lesson is difficult for women because on Venus one of the golden rules was never to abandon a friend when she was upset. It just doesn''t seem loving to abandon her favorite
Martian when he is upset. Because she cares for him, a woman wants to come into his **** and offer him help.
In ad***ion, she often mistakenly assumes that if she could ask him lots of questions about how he is feeling and he a good listener, then he would feel better. This only upsets Martians
more. She instinctively wants *****pport hirn in the way that she would want to be supported.
Her intentions are good, but the outcome is counterproductive.
Both men and women need to stop offering the method of ca ring they would prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners think, feel, and react.

Why Men 66 bite Their C~​

Men go into their ****s or become quiet for a variety of reasons.​

1. He needs to think about a problem and find a practical solution to the problem.
2. He doesn''t have an answer to a question or a problem. Men were never taught to say "Gee, 1 don''t have an answer. 1 need to go into my **** and find one." Other men assume he is doing
just that when he becomes quiet.
3. He has become upset or stressed. At such times he needs to be alone to cool off and find his control again. He doesn''t want to do or say anything he might regret.
4. He needs to find himself. This fourth reason becomes very important when men are in love.
At times they begin to lose and forget themselves. They can feel that too much intimacy robs them of their power. They need to regulate how close they get. Whenever they get too close so
as to lose themselves, alarm bells go off and they are on their way into the ****. As a result they are rejuvenated and find their loving and powerful self again.

Why Women Talk​

Women talk for a variety of reasons. Sometimes women talk for the same reasons that men stop talking. These are four common reasons that women talk:
1. To convey or gather information. (This is generally the only reason a man talks.)
2. To explore and discover what it is she wants to say. (He stops talking to figure out inside what he wants to say. She talks to think out loud.)
3. To feel better and more centered when she is upset. (He stops talking when he is upset. In his **** he has a chance to cool off.)
4. To create intimacy. Through sharing her inner feelings she is able to know her loving self. (A
Martian stops talking to find himself again. Too much intimacy, he fears, will rob him of himself.)
Without this vital understanding of our differences and needs it is easy to see why couples struggle so much in relationships.
Getting Burned by the Dragon It is important for women to understand not to try and get a man to talk before he is ready.
While discussing this topic in one of my seminars. a Native American shared that in her tribe mothers would instruct young women getting married to remember that when a man was upset or stressed he would withdraw into his ****. She was not to take it personally because it would happen from time to time. It did not mean that he did not love her. They assured her that he
would come back. But most important they warned the young woman never to follow him into his ****. If she did then she would get burned by the dragon who protected the ****.
Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his ****. Women just haven''t understood that men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset.
When a man withdraws into his **** a woman just doesn''t understand what is happening. She naturally tries to get him to talk. If there is a problem she hopes to nurture him by drawing him out and getting him to talk about it.
She asks "Is there something wrong?" He says "No." But she can feel he is upset. She wonders why he is withholding his feelings. Instead of letting him work it out inside his **** she
unknowingly interrupts his internal process. She asks again "I know something is bothering you, what is it?"
He says "It''s nothing."
She asks "It''s not nothing. Something''s bothering you. What are you feeling?"
He says "Look, I''m fine. Now leave me alone!"
She says "How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore. How am 1 supposed to know what you are feeling? You don''t love me. 1 feel so rejected by you."
At this point he loses control and begins saying things that he will regret later. His dragon comes out and hums her.

WHEN MARTIANS DO TALK​

Women get burned not only when they unknowingly invade a man''s introspective time but also when they misinterpret his expressions, which are generally warnings that he is either in
his **** or on his way to the cav e. When asked "What''s the matter?" a Martian will say something brief like "It''s nothing" or "I am OK."
These brief signals are generally the only way a Venusian knows to give him space to work out his feelings alone. Instead of saying "I am upset and 1 need some time to be alone," men just become quiet.
In the following chart six commonly expressed abbreviated warning signals are fisted as well as how a woman might unknowingly respond in an intrusive and unsupportive manner:

"You don''t love me anymore" translated into Martian means "Today I am feeling as though you don''t love me. I am afraid I have pushed you away. I know you really do love me, you do so much for me. Today 1 am just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure me of your love and tell me those three magic words, I love you. When you do that it feels so good."
Without this translation, when a woman says "You don''t love me anymore" a man may hear "I have given you the best years of my life, and you have given me nothing. You used me. You are
selfish and cold. You do what you want to do, for you and only you. You do not care about anybody. I was a fool for loving you. Now 1 have nothing."
"We are always in a hurry" translated into Martian means "I feel so rushed today. I don''t like rushing. I wish our life was not so hurried. I know it is nobody''s fault and I certainly don''t
blame you. 1 know you are doing your best to get us there on time and I really appreciate how much you care.
"Would you empathize with me and say something like, ''It is hard always rushing around. 1 don''t always like rushing either.`
Without this translation, when a woman says "We are always in a hurry" a man may hear "You are so irresponsible. You wait until the last minute to do everything. I can never be happy
when I am with you. We are always rushing to avoid being late. You ruin things every time I am with you. I am so much happier when I am not around you."
"I want more romance" translated into Martian means "Sweetheart, you have been working so hard lately. Lees take some time out for ourselves. I love it when we can relax and be alone without the kids around and no work pressures. You are so romantic. Would you surprise me with flowers sometime soon and take me out on a date? I love being romanced."
Without this translation, when a woman says "I want more romance" a man may hear "You don''t satisfy me anymore. 1 am not turned on to you. Your romantic skills are definitely
inadequate. You have never really fulfilled me. 1 wish you were more like other men I have been with."
After using this dictionary for a few years, a man doesn''t need to pick it up each time he feels blamed or criticized. He begins to understand the way women think and feel. He learns that
these kinds of dramatic phrases are not to be taken literally. They are just the way women express feeling more fully. That''s the way it was done on Venus and people from Mars need to
remember that!

WHEN MARTIANS DON''T TALK​

One of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and
support a man when he isn''t talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women.
Quite often a man will suddenly stop communicating and become silent. This was unheard of on Venus. At first a woman thinks the man is deaf. She thinks that maybe he doesn''t hear
what''s being said and that is why he is not responding.
You see men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. Even today, a woman
often dis covers what she wants to say through the process of just talking. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. This
process is perfectly normal and especially necessary sometimes.
But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently "mull over" or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they
figure out the most correct or useful response. They first formulate it inside and then express it.
This process could take from minutes to hours. And to make matters even more confusing for women, if he does not have enough information to process an answer, a man may not respond at all.
Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying "I don''t know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it." Instead what they hear is "I am not responding to you because 1
don''t care about you and 1 am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important and therefore I am not responding."
Now She Reacts to His Silence
Women misinterpret a man''s silence. Depending on how she is feeling that day she may begin to imagine the very worst-"He hates me, he doesn''t love me, he is leaving me forever." This may then trigger her deepest fear, which is "I am afraid that if he rejects me then 1 will never be loved. 1 don''t deserve to be loved."
When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst because the only times a woman would be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didn''t
want to talk to a person because she didn''t trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with hirn. No wonder women become insecure when a man suddenly becomes quiet!
When a woman listens to another woman, she will continue to reassure the speaker that she is listening and that she cares. Instinctively when the speaker pauses the female listener will
reassure the speaker by making reassuring responses like "oh, uh-huh, hmmm, ah, ah-ha, or humph."
Without these reassuring responses, a man''s silence can be very threatening. Through understanding a man''s ****, women can learn to interpret a man''s silence correctly, and to
respond to it.
Understanding the Cove
Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be really fulfilling. They need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to
his "****" to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that ****, not even the man''s best friends. This was the way it was on Mars. Women should not become scared that
they have done something terribly wrong. They need gradually to learn that if you just let men go into their ****s, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine.
This lesson is difficult for women because on Venus one of the golden rules was never to abandon a friend when she was upset. It just doesn''t seem loving to abandon her favorite
Martian when he is upset. Because she cares for him, a woman wants to come into his **** and offer him help.
In ad***ion, she often mistakenly assumes that if she could ask him lots of questions about how he is feeling and he a good listener, then he would feel better. This only upsets Martians
more. She instinctively wants *****pport hirn in the way that she would want to be supported.
Her intentions are good, but the outcome is counterproductive.
Both men and women need to stop offering the method of ca ring they would prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners think, feel, and react.

Why Men 66 bite Their C~​

Men go into their ****s or become quiet for a variety of reasons.​

1. He needs to think about a problem and find a practical solution to the problem.
2. He doesn''t have an answer to a question or a problem. Men were never taught to say "Gee, 1 don''t have an answer. 1 need to go into my **** and find one." Other men assume he is doing
just that when he becomes quiet.
3. He has become upset or stressed. At such times he needs to be alone to cool off and find his control again. He doesn''t want to do or say anything he might regret.
4. He needs to find himself. This fourth reason becomes very important when men are in love.
At times they begin to lose and forget themselves. They can feel that too much intimacy robs them of their power. They need to regulate how close they get. Whenever they get too close so
as to lose themselves, alarm bells go off and they are on their way into the ****. As a result they are rejuvenated and find their loving and powerful self again.

Why Women Talk​

Women talk for a variety of reasons. Sometimes women talk for the same reasons that men stop talking. These are four common reasons that women talk:
1. To convey or gather information. (This is generally the only reason a man talks.)
2. To explore and discover what it is she wants to say. (He stops talking to figure out inside what he wants to say. She talks to think out loud.)
3. To feel better and more centered when she is upset. (He stops talking when he is upset. In his **** he has a chance to cool off.)
4. To create intimacy. Through sharing her inner feelings she is able to know her loving self. (A
Martian stops talking to find himself again. Too much intimacy, he fears, will rob him of himself.)
Without this vital understanding of our differences and needs it is easy to see why couples struggle so much in relationships.
Getting Burned by the Dragon It is important for women to understand not to try and get a man to talk before he is ready.
While discussing this topic in one of my seminars. a Native American shared that in her tribe mothers would instruct young women getting married to remember that when a man was upset or stressed he would withdraw into his ****. She was not to take it personally because it would happen from time to time. It did not mean that he did not love her. They assured her that he
would come back. But most important they warned the young woman never to follow him into his ****. If she did then she would get burned by the dragon who protected the ****.
Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his ****. Women just haven''t understood that men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset.
When a man withdraws into his **** a woman just doesn''t understand what is happening. She naturally tries to get him to talk. If there is a problem she hopes to nurture him by drawing him out and getting him to talk about it.
She asks "Is there something wrong?" He says "No." But she can feel he is upset. She wonders why he is withholding his feelings. Instead of letting him work it out inside his **** she
unknowingly interrupts his internal process. She asks again "I know something is bothering you, what is it?"
He says "It''s nothing."
She asks "It''s not nothing. Something''s bothering you. What are you feeling?"
He says "Look, I''m fine. Now leave me alone!"
She says "How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore. How am 1 supposed to know what you are feeling? You don''t love me. 1 feel so rejected by you."
At this point he loses control and begins saying things that he will regret later. His dragon comes out and hums her.

WHEN MARTIANS DO TALK​

Women get burned not only when they unknowingly invade a man''s introspective time but also when they misinterpret his expressions, which are generally warnings that he is either in
his **** or on his way to the cav e. When asked "What''s the matter?" a Martian will say something brief like "It''s nothing" or "I am OK."
These brief signals are generally the only way a Venusian knows to give him space to work out his feelings alone. Instead of saying "I am upset and 1 need some time to be alone," men just become quiet.
In the following chart six commonly expressed abbreviated warning signals are fisted as well as how a woman might unknowingly respond in an intrusive and unsupportive manner:

SIX COMMON ABBREVIATED WARNING SIGNALS​

When a woman asks "What''s the matter?"
A Man -Ms A woman M respond
"I''m OK" or "It''s OK.'' "I know something''s wrong.
What is it?"
"I''m fine" or "It''s fine." "But you seem upset. Let''s talk."
"It''s nothing." "I want to help. I know something is
bothering you. What is it?"
"It''s all right" or "I''m all right." "Are you sure? 1 am happy to help
you."
"It''s no big deal." "But something is upsetting you. I
think we should talk. "
"It''s no problem." "But it is a problem. I could help."
When a man makes one of the above abbreviated comments he generally wants silent
acceptance or space. At times like this, to avoid misinterpretation and unnecessary panic, the
Venusians consulted their Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary. Without this assistance,
women misinterpret these abbreviated expressions.
Women need to know that when a man says "I am OK" it is an abbreviated version of what he
really means, which is "I am OK because 1 can deal with this alone. 1 do not need any help.
Please support me by not worrying about me. Trust that I can deal with it all by myself."
Without this translation, when he is upset and says "I am OK" it sounds to her as if he is
denying his feelings or problems. She then attempts to help him by askin g questions or talking
about what she thinks the problem is. She does not know that he is speaking an
abbreviated language. The following are excerpts from their phrase dictionary.
The Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary
"I''m OK" translated into Venusian means "I am OK, I can deal with my upset. 1 don''t need any
help, dunk you."
Without this translation, when he says "I am M'' she may hear "I am not upset because I do not
care" or she may hear -1 am not willing to share with you my upset feelings. 1 do not trust you
to be there for me."
"Im fine" translated into Venusian means "I am fine because I am successfully dealing with my
upset or problem. I don''t need any help. If I do I will ask."
Without this translation, when he says "I am fine" she may hear "I don''t care about what has
happened. This problem is not important to me. Even if it upsets you, I don''t care."
"It''s nothing" translated into Venusian means "Nothing is bothering me that I cannot handle
alone. Please don''t ask any more questions about it."
Without this translation, when he says "Nothing is bothering me" she may hear "I don''t know
what is bothering me. I need you to ask me questions to assist me in discovering what is
happening." At this point she proceeds to anger him by asking questions when he really wants
to be left alone.
"It''s all right" translated into Venusian means ''This is a problem but you are not to blame. I can
resolve this within myself if you don''t interrupt my process by asking more questions or
offering suggestions. just act
like it didn''t happen and I can process it within myself more effectively."
Without this translation, when he says "It''s all right" she may hear "This is the way it is
supposed to be. Nothing needs to be changed. You can abuse me and 1 can abuse you" or she
hears "It''s all right this time, but remember it is your fault. You can do this once but don''t do it
again or else. "
"It''s no big deal" translated into Venusian means "It is no big deal because 1 can make things
work again. Please don''t dwell on this problem or talk more about it. That makes me more
upset. 1 accept responsibility for solving this problem. It makes me happy to solve it."
Without this translation, when he says "It''s no big deal" she may hear "You are making a big
deal out of nothing. What concerns you is not important. Don''t overreact."
"It''s no problem" translated into Venusian means "I have no problem doing this or solving this
problem. It is my pleasure to offer this gift to you."
Without this translation, when he says "It''s no problem" she may hear ''This is not a problem.
Why are you making it a problem or asking for help?" She then mistakenly explains to him
why it is a problem.
Using this Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary can assist women in understanding what men
really mean when they abbreviate what they are saying. Sometimes what he is really saying is
the opposite of what she hears.
WHAT TO DO WHEN HE GOES INTO HIS ****
In my seminars when 1 explain about ****s and dragons, women want to know how they can
shorten the time men spend in their
****s. At this point 1 ask the men to answer, and they generally say that the more women try to
get them to talk or come out, the longer it takes.
Another common comment by men is "It is hard to come out of the **** when 1 feel my mate
disapproves of the time I spend in th e ****." To make a man feel wrong for going into his ****
has the effect of pushing him back into the **** even when he wants to come out.
When a man goes into his **** he is generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his
problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive. There
are basically six ways *****pport him when he goes into his ****. (Giving him this support will
also shorten the time he needs to spend alone.)
Now *****pped a Man in His Cove
1. Don''t disapprove of his need for withdrawing.
2. Don''t try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.
3. Don''t try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.
4. Don''t sit next to the door of the **** and wait for him to come out.
5. Don''t worry about him or feel sorry for him.
6. Do something that makes you happy.
If you need to "talk," write him a letter to he read later when he is out, and if you need to be
nurtured, talk to a friend. Don''t make him the sole source of your fulfillment.
A man wants his favorite Venusian to trust that be can handle what is bothering him. To be
trusted that he can handle his problems is very important to his honor, pride, and self-esteem.
Not worrying about him is difficult for her. Worrying for others is one way women express
their love and caring. It is a way of showing love. For a woman, being happy when the person
you love is
upset just doesn''t seem right. He certainly doesn''t want her to be happy because he is upset, but
he does want her to be happy. He wants her to be happy so that he has one less problem to
worry about. In ad***ion he wants her to be happy because it helps him to feel loved by her.
When a woman is happy and free from worry, it is easier for him to come out.
Ironically men show their love by not worrying. A man questions "How can you worry about
someone whom you admire and trust?" Men commonly support one another by saying phrases
such as "Don''t worry, you can handle it" or "That''s their problem, not yours" or "I''m sure it will
work out." Men support one another by not worrying or minimizing their troubles.
It took me years to understand that my wife actually wanted me to worry for her when she was
upset. Without this awareness of our different needs, I would minimize the importance of her
concerns. This only made her more upset.
When a man goes into his **** he is generally trying to solve a problem. If his mate is happy or
not needy at this time, then he has one less problem to solve before coming out. Knowing that
she is happy with him also gives him more strength to deal with his problem while in the ****.
Anything that distracts her or helps her to feel good will be helpful to him. These are some
examples:
Read a book Call a girlfriend for a
Listen to music good chat
Work in the garden Write in a journal
Exercise Go shopping
Get a massage Pray or me***ate
listen to self- Go for a walk
improvement tapes Take a bubble bath
Treat yourself to See a therapist
something delicious Watch TV or a video
The Martians also recommended that the Venusians do sornething enjoyable. It was hard to
conceive of being happy when a friend was hurting, but the Venusians did find a way. Every
time their favorite Martian went into his ****, they would go shopping or out on some other
pleasing excursion. Venusians love to shop. My wife, Bonnie, sometimes uses this technique.
When she sees I am in my ****, she goes shopping. I never feel like 1 have to apologize for my
Martian side. When she can take care of herself I feel OK taking care of myself and going into
my ****. She trusts that I will come back and be more loving.
She knows that when I go into my **** is not the right time to talk. When I begin showing
signs of interest in her, she recognizes that I am coming out of the ****, and it is then a time to
talk. Sometimes she will casually say, "When you feel like talking, I would like to spend some
time together Would you let me know when?" In this way she can test the waters without being
pushy or demanding.