Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - John Gray

SIX COMMON ABBREVIATED WARNING SIGNALS​

When a woman asks "What''s the matter?"
A Man -Ms A woman M respond
"I''m OK" or "It''s OK.'' "I know something''s wrong.
What is it?"
"I''m fine" or "It''s fine." "But you seem upset. Let''s talk."
"It''s nothing." "I want to help. I know something is
bothering you. What is it?"
"It''s all right" or "I''m all right." "Are you sure? 1 am happy to help
you."
"It''s no big deal." "But something is upsetting you. I
think we should talk. "
"It''s no problem." "But it is a problem. I could help."
When a man makes one of the above abbreviated comments he generally wants silent
acceptance or space. At times like this, to avoid misinterpretation and unnecessary panic, the
Venusians consulted their Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary. Without this assistance,
women misinterpret these abbreviated expressions.
Women need to know that when a man says "I am OK" it is an abbreviated version of what he
really means, which is "I am OK because 1 can deal with this alone. 1 do not need any help.
Please support me by not worrying about me. Trust that I can deal with it all by myself."
Without this translation, when he is upset and says "I am OK" it sounds to her as if he is
denying his feelings or problems. She then attempts to help him by askin g questions or talking
about what she thinks the problem is. She does not know that he is speaking an
abbreviated language. The following are excerpts from their phrase dictionary.
The Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary
"I''m OK" translated into Venusian means "I am OK, I can deal with my upset. 1 don''t need any
help, dunk you."
Without this translation, when he says "I am M'' she may hear "I am not upset because I do not
care" or she may hear -1 am not willing to share with you my upset feelings. 1 do not trust you
to be there for me."
"Im fine" translated into Venusian means "I am fine because I am successfully dealing with my
upset or problem. I don''t need any help. If I do I will ask."
Without this translation, when he says "I am fine" she may hear "I don''t care about what has
happened. This problem is not important to me. Even if it upsets you, I don''t care."
"It''s nothing" translated into Venusian means "Nothing is bothering me that I cannot handle
alone. Please don''t ask any more questions about it."
Without this translation, when he says "Nothing is bothering me" she may hear "I don''t know
what is bothering me. I need you to ask me questions to assist me in discovering what is
happening." At this point she proceeds to anger him by asking questions when he really wants
to be left alone.
"It''s all right" translated into Venusian means ''This is a problem but you are not to blame. I can
resolve this within myself if you don''t interrupt my process by asking more questions or
offering suggestions. just act
like it didn''t happen and I can process it within myself more effectively."
Without this translation, when he says "It''s all right" she may hear "This is the way it is
supposed to be. Nothing needs to be changed. You can abuse me and 1 can abuse you" or she
hears "It''s all right this time, but remember it is your fault. You can do this once but don''t do it
again or else. "
"It''s no big deal" translated into Venusian means "It is no big deal because 1 can make things
work again. Please don''t dwell on this problem or talk more about it. That makes me more
upset. 1 accept responsibility for solving this problem. It makes me happy to solve it."
Without this translation, when he says "It''s no big deal" she may hear "You are making a big
deal out of nothing. What concerns you is not important. Don''t overreact."
"It''s no problem" translated into Venusian means "I have no problem doing this or solving this
problem. It is my pleasure to offer this gift to you."
Without this translation, when he says "It''s no problem" she may hear ''This is not a problem.
Why are you making it a problem or asking for help?" She then mistakenly explains to him
why it is a problem.
Using this Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary can assist women in understanding what men
really mean when they abbreviate what they are saying. Sometimes what he is really saying is
the opposite of what she hears.
WHAT TO DO WHEN HE GOES INTO HIS ****
In my seminars when 1 explain about ****s and dragons, women want to know how they can
shorten the time men spend in their
****s. At this point 1 ask the men to answer, and they generally say that the more women try to
get them to talk or come out, the longer it takes.
Another common comment by men is "It is hard to come out of the **** when 1 feel my mate
disapproves of the time I spend in th e ****." To make a man feel wrong for going into his ****
has the effect of pushing him back into the **** even when he wants to come out.
When a man goes into his **** he is generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his
problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive. There
are basically six ways *****pport him when he goes into his ****. (Giving him this support will
also shorten the time he needs to spend alone.)
Now *****pped a Man in His Cove
1. Don''t disapprove of his need for withdrawing.
2. Don''t try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.
3. Don''t try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.
4. Don''t sit next to the door of the **** and wait for him to come out.
5. Don''t worry about him or feel sorry for him.
6. Do something that makes you happy.
If you need to "talk," write him a letter to he read later when he is out, and if you need to be
nurtured, talk to a friend. Don''t make him the sole source of your fulfillment.
A man wants his favorite Venusian to trust that be can handle what is bothering him. To be
trusted that he can handle his problems is very important to his honor, pride, and self-esteem.
Not worrying about him is difficult for her. Worrying for others is one way women express
their love and caring. It is a way of showing love. For a woman, being happy when the person
you love is
upset just doesn''t seem right. He certainly doesn''t want her to be happy because he is upset, but
he does want her to be happy. He wants her to be happy so that he has one less problem to
worry about. In ad***ion he wants her to be happy because it helps him to feel loved by her.
When a woman is happy and free from worry, it is easier for him to come out.
Ironically men show their love by not worrying. A man questions "How can you worry about
someone whom you admire and trust?" Men commonly support one another by saying phrases
such as "Don''t worry, you can handle it" or "That''s their problem, not yours" or "I''m sure it will
work out." Men support one another by not worrying or minimizing their troubles.
It took me years to understand that my wife actually wanted me to worry for her when she was
upset. Without this awareness of our different needs, I would minimize the importance of her
concerns. This only made her more upset.
When a man goes into his **** he is generally trying to solve a problem. If his mate is happy or
not needy at this time, then he has one less problem to solve before coming out. Knowing that
she is happy with him also gives him more strength to deal with his problem while in the ****.
Anything that distracts her or helps her to feel good will be helpful to him. These are some
examples:
Read a book Call a girlfriend for a
Listen to music good chat
Work in the garden Write in a journal
Exercise Go shopping
Get a massage Pray or me***ate
listen to self- Go for a walk
improvement tapes Take a bubble bath
Treat yourself to See a therapist
something delicious Watch TV or a video
The Martians also recommended that the Venusians do sornething enjoyable. It was hard to
conceive of being happy when a friend was hurting, but the Venusians did find a way. Every
time their favorite Martian went into his ****, they would go shopping or out on some other
pleasing excursion. Venusians love to shop. My wife, Bonnie, sometimes uses this technique.
When she sees I am in my ****, she goes shopping. I never feel like 1 have to apologize for my
Martian side. When she can take care of herself I feel OK taking care of myself and going into
my ****. She trusts that I will come back and be more loving.
She knows that when I go into my **** is not the right time to talk. When I begin showing
signs of interest in her, she recognizes that I am coming out of the ****, and it is then a time to
talk. Sometimes she will casually say, "When you feel like talking, I would like to spend some
time together Would you let me know when?" In this way she can test the waters without being
pushy or demanding.

NOW TO COMMUNICATE SUPPORT TO A MARTIAN​

Even when they are out of the **** men want to be trusted. They don''t like unsolicited advice
or empathy They need to prove themselves. Being able to accomplish things without the help
of others is a feather in their cap. (While. for a woman, when someone assists her, having a
supportive relationship is a feather in her cap.) A man feels supported when a woman
communicates in a way that says "I trust you to handle things unless you directly ask for help."
Learning *****pport men in this way can be very difficult in the beginning. Many women feel
that the only way they can get what they need in a relationship is to criticize a man when he
makes mistakes and to offer unsolicited advice. Without a role model of a mother who knew
how to receive support from a man, it does not occur to women that they can encourage a man
to give more by directly asking for support-without being critical or offering advice. In
ad***ion, if he behaves in a manner that she does not like she can
simply and directly tell him that she doesn''t like his behavior, without casting judgment that
he is wrong or bad.
Now to Approach a Man With Criticism or Advice
Without an understanding of how they are turning men off with unsolicited advice and
criticism, many women feel powerless to get what they need and want from a man. Nancy was
frustrated in her relationships. She said, "I still don''t know how to approach a man with
criticism and advice. What if his table manners are atrocious or he dresses really, really badly?
What if he''s a nice guy but you see he''s got a pattern of behaving with people in a way that
makes him look like a jerk and that''s causing him trouble In relationships with others? What
should 1 do? No matter how I tell him, he gets angry or defensive or just ignores me."
The answer is that she should definitely not offer criticism or advice unless he asks. Instead,
she should try giving him loving acceptance. This is what he needs, not lectures. As he begins
to feel her acceptance, he will begin to ask what she thinks. If, however, he detects her
demanding that he change, he will not ask for advice or suggestions. Especially in an intimate
relationship, men need to feel very secure before they open up and ask for support.
In ad***ion to patiently trusting her partner to grow and change, if a woman is not getting what
she needs and wants, she can and should share her feelings and make requests (but again
without giving advice or criticism). This is an art that requires caring and creativity" These are
four possible approaches:
1. A woman can tell a man that she doesn''t We the way he dresses without giving him a lecture
on how to dress. She could say casually as he is getting dressed "I don''t like that shirt on you.
Would you wear another one tonight?" If he is annoyed by that comment, then she should
respect his sensitivities and apologize. She could say "I''m sorry -I didn''t mean to tell you how to
dress."
2. If he is that sensitive-and some men are-then she could try talking about it at another time.
She could say "Remember that blue shirt you wore with the green slacks? 1 didn''t like that
combination. Would you try wearing it with your gray slacks?"
3. She could directly ask "Would you let me take you shopping one day? I would love to pick
out an outfit for you." If he says no, then she can be sure that he doesn''t want any more
mothering. If he says yes, be sure not to offer too much advice. Remember his sensitivities.
4. She could say "There is something I want to talk about but I don''t know how to say it.
[Pause.] I don''t want to offend you, but 1 also really want to say it. Would you listen and then
suggest to me a better way I could say it?" This helps him to prepare himself for the shock and
then he happily discovers that it is not such a big deal.
Let''s explore another example. If she doesn''t like his table manners and they are alone, she
could say (without a disapproving look) "Would you use your silverware?" or "Would you
drink from your glass?" If, however, you are in front of others, it is wise to say nothing and not
even notice. Another day you could say "Would you use your silverware when we eat in front
of the kids?" or "When you eat with your fingers, I hate it. I get so picky about these little
things. When you eat with me, would you use your silverware?"
If he behaves in a way that embarrasses you, wait for a time when no one else is around and
then share your feelings. Don''t ten him how he "should behave" or that he is wrong; instead
share honest feelings in a loving and brief way. You could say "The other night at the party, 1
didn''t like it when you were so loud. When I''m around, would you try to keep it down?" If he
gets upset and
doesn''t like this comment, then simply apologize for being critical.
This art of giving negative feedback and asking for support is discussed thoroughly in chapters
9 and 12. In ad***ion, the best times for having these conversations is explored in the next
chapter.

When a Man Doesn''t Need Help​

A man may start to feel smothered when a woman tries to comfort him or help him solve a
problem. He feels as though she doesn''t trust him to handle his problems. He may feel
controlled, as if she is treating him like a child, or he may feel she wants to change him.
This doesn''t mea n that a man does not need comforting love. Women need to understand that
they are nurturing him when they abstain from offering unsolicited advice to solve his
problems. He needs her loving support but in a different way than she thinks. To withhold
correcting a man or trying to improve him are ways to nurture him. Giving advice can be
nurturing only if he directly as s for it.
A man looks for advice or help only after he has done what he can do alone. If he receives too
much assistance or receives it too soon, he will lose his sense of power and strength. He
becomes either lazy or insecure. Instinctively men support one another by not offering advice
or help unless specifically approached and asked.
In coping with problems, a man knows he has to first go a certain distance by himself, and then
if he needs help he can ask for it without losing his strength, power, and dignity. To offer help
to a man at the wrong time could easily be taken as an insult.
When a man is carving the turkey for Thanksgiving and his partner keeps offering advice on
how and what to cut, he feels mistrusted. He resists her and is determined to do it his way on
his own. On the other hand, if a man offers her assistance in cutting the turkey she feels loved
and cared for.
When a woman suggests that her husband follow the advice of some expert, he may be
offended. I remember one woman asking me why her husband got so angry at her. She
explained to me that before
*** she had asked him if he had reviewed his notes from a taped lecture b y me on the secrets of
great ***. She didn''t realm this was the ultimate insult to him. Although he had appreciated the
tapes, he didn''t want her telling him what to do by reminding him to follow my advice. He
wanted her to trust that he knew what to do!
While men want to be trusted, women want caring. When a man says to a woman "What''s the
matter, honey?" with a concerned look on his face, she feels comforted by his caring. When a
woman in a similar caring and concerned way says to a man "What''s the matter, honey?" he may
feel insulted or repulsed. He feels as though she doesn''t trust him to handle things.
It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be
pitied. A woman may say "I am so sorry I hurt you." He will say "It was no big deal" and push
away her support. She on the other hand loves to hear him say "I''m sorry I hurt you." She then
feels he really cares. Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways
to show they trust.

Too Much Caring Is Smothering​

When I first married Bonnie, the night before I would leave town to teach a weekend seminar,
she would ask me what time I was getting up. Then she would ask what time my plane left.
Then she would do some mental figuring and warn me that I hadn''t left enough time to catch
my plane. Each time she thought she was supporting me, but I didn''t feel it. I felt offended. I
had been traveling around the world for fourteen years teaching courses, and I had never
missed a plane.
Then in the morning, before I left, she asked me a string of questions such as, "Do you have
your ticket? Do you have your wallet? Do you have enough money? Did you pack socks? Do
you know
where you are staying?" She thought she was loving me, but 1 felt mistrusted and was annoyed.
Eventually I let her know that 1 appreciated her loving intention but that 1 didn''t like being
mothered in this way.
1 shared with her that if she wanted to mother me, then the way 1 wanted to be mothered was
to be uncon***ionally loved and trusted. I said, "If I miss a plane, don''t tell me ''I told you so.''
Trust that I will learn my lesson and adjust accordingly. If I forget my toothbrush or shaving
kit, let me deal with it. Don''t tell me about it when I call." With an awareness of what I wanted,
instead of what she would have wanted, it was easier for her *****cceed in supporting me.

NOW TO COMMUNICATE SUPPORT TO A MARTIAN​

Even when they are out of the **** men want to be trusted. They don''t like unsolicited advice
or empathy They need to prove themselves. Being able to accomplish things without the help
of others is a feather in their cap. (While. for a woman, when someone assists her, having a
supportive relationship is a feather in her cap.) A man feels supported when a woman
communicates in a way that says "I trust you to handle things unless you directly ask for help."
Learning *****pport men in this way can be very difficult in the beginning. Many women feel
that the only way they can get what they need in a relationship is to criticize a man when he
makes mistakes and to offer unsolicited advice. Without a role model of a mother who knew
how to receive support from a man, it does not occur to women that they can encourage a man
to give more by directly asking for support-without being critical or offering advice. In
ad***ion, if he behaves in a manner that she does not like she can
simply and directly tell him that she doesn''t like his behavior, without casting judgment that
he is wrong or bad.
Now to Approach a Man With Criticism or Advice
Without an understanding of how they are turning men off with unsolicited advice and
criticism, many women feel powerless to get what they need and want from a man. Nancy was
frustrated in her relationships. She said, "I still don''t know how to approach a man with
criticism and advice. What if his table manners are atrocious or he dresses really, really badly?
What if he''s a nice guy but you see he''s got a pattern of behaving with people in a way that
makes him look like a jerk and that''s causing him trouble In relationships with others? What
should 1 do? No matter how I tell him, he gets angry or defensive or just ignores me."
The answer is that she should definitely not offer criticism or advice unless he asks. Instead,
she should try giving him loving acceptance. This is what he needs, not lectures. As he begins
to feel her acceptance, he will begin to ask what she thinks. If, however, he detects her
demanding that he change, he will not ask for advice or suggestions. Especially in an intimate
relationship, men need to feel very secure before they open up and ask for support.
In ad***ion to patiently trusting her partner to grow and change, if a woman is not getting what
she needs and wants, she can and should share her feelings and make requests (but again
without giving advice or criticism). This is an art that requires caring and creativity" These are
four possible approaches:
1. A woman can tell a man that she doesn''t We the way he dresses without giving him a lecture
on how to dress. She could say casually as he is getting dressed "I don''t like that shirt on you.
Would you wear another one tonight?" If he is annoyed by that comment, then she should
respect his sensitivities and apologize. She could say "I''m sorry -I didn''t mean to tell you how to
dress."
2. If he is that sensitive-and some men are-then she could try talking about it at another time.
She could say "Remember that blue shirt you wore with the green slacks? 1 didn''t like that
combination. Would you try wearing it with your gray slacks?"
3. She could directly ask "Would you let me take you shopping one day? I would love to pick
out an outfit for you." If he says no, then she can be sure that he doesn''t want any more
mothering. If he says yes, be sure not to offer too much advice. Remember his sensitivities.
4. She could say "There is something I want to talk about but I don''t know how to say it.
[Pause.] I don''t want to offend you, but 1 also really want to say it. Would you listen and then
suggest to me a better way I could say it?" This helps him to prepare himself for the shock and
then he happily discovers that it is not such a big deal.
Let''s explore another example. If she doesn''t like his table manners and they are alone, she
could say (without a disapproving look) "Would you use your silverware?" or "Would you
drink from your glass?" If, however, you are in front of others, it is wise to say nothing and not
even notice. Another day you could say "Would you use your silverware when we eat in front
of the kids?" or "When you eat with your fingers, I hate it. I get so picky about these little
things. When you eat with me, would you use your silverware?"
If he behaves in a way that embarrasses you, wait for a time when no one else is around and
then share your feelings. Don''t ten him how he "should behave" or that he is wrong; instead
share honest feelings in a loving and brief way. You could say "The other night at the party, 1
didn''t like it when you were so loud. When I''m around, would you try to keep it down?" If he
gets upset and
doesn''t like this comment, then simply apologize for being critical.
This art of giving negative feedback and asking for support is discussed thoroughly in chapters
9 and 12. In ad***ion, the best times for having these conversations is explored in the next
chapter.

When a Man Doesn''t Need Help​

A man may start to feel smothered when a woman tries to comfort him or help him solve a
problem. He feels as though she doesn''t trust him to handle his problems. He may feel
controlled, as if she is treating him like a child, or he may feel she wants to change him.
This doesn''t mea n that a man does not need comforting love. Women need to understand that
they are nurturing him when they abstain from offering unsolicited advice to solve his
problems. He needs her loving support but in a different way than she thinks. To withhold
correcting a man or trying to improve him are ways to nurture him. Giving advice can be
nurturing only if he directly as s for it.
A man looks for advice or help only after he has done what he can do alone. If he receives too
much assistance or receives it too soon, he will lose his sense of power and strength. He
becomes either lazy or insecure. Instinctively men support one another by not offering advice
or help unless specifically approached and asked.
In coping with problems, a man knows he has to first go a certain distance by himself, and then
if he needs help he can ask for it without losing his strength, power, and dignity. To offer help
to a man at the wrong time could easily be taken as an insult.
When a man is carving the turkey for Thanksgiving and his partner keeps offering advice on
how and what to cut, he feels mistrusted. He resists her and is determined to do it his way on
his own. On the other hand, if a man offers her assistance in cutting the turkey she feels loved
and cared for.
When a woman suggests that her husband follow the advice of some expert, he may be
offended. I remember one woman asking me why her husband got so angry at her. She
explained to me that before
*** she had asked him if he had reviewed his notes from a taped lecture b y me on the secrets of
great ***. She didn''t realm this was the ultimate insult to him. Although he had appreciated the
tapes, he didn''t want her telling him what to do by reminding him to follow my advice. He
wanted her to trust that he knew what to do!
While men want to be trusted, women want caring. When a man says to a woman "What''s the
matter, honey?" with a concerned look on his face, she feels comforted by his caring. When a
woman in a similar caring and concerned way says to a man "What''s the matter, honey?" he may
feel insulted or repulsed. He feels as though she doesn''t trust him to handle things.
It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be
pitied. A woman may say "I am so sorry I hurt you." He will say "It was no big deal" and push
away her support. She on the other hand loves to hear him say "I''m sorry I hurt you." She then
feels he really cares. Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways
to show they trust.

Too Much Caring Is Smothering​

When I first married Bonnie, the night before I would leave town to teach a weekend seminar,
she would ask me what time I was getting up. Then she would ask what time my plane left.
Then she would do some mental figuring and warn me that I hadn''t left enough time to catch
my plane. Each time she thought she was supporting me, but I didn''t feel it. I felt offended. I
had been traveling around the world for fourteen years teaching courses, and I had never
missed a plane.
Then in the morning, before I left, she asked me a string of questions such as, "Do you have
your ticket? Do you have your wallet? Do you have enough money? Did you pack socks? Do
you know
where you are staying?" She thought she was loving me, but 1 felt mistrusted and was annoyed.
Eventually I let her know that 1 appreciated her loving intention but that 1 didn''t like being
mothered in this way.
1 shared with her that if she wanted to mother me, then the way 1 wanted to be mothered was
to be uncon***ionally loved and trusted. I said, "If I miss a plane, don''t tell me ''I told you so.''
Trust that I will learn my lesson and adjust accordingly. If I forget my toothbrush or shaving
kit, let me deal with it. Don''t tell me about it when I call." With an awareness of what I wanted,
instead of what she would have wanted, it was easier for her *****cceed in supporting me.

A Success Story​

Once, on a trip to Sweden to teach my relationship seminar, 1 called back to California from
New York, informing Bonnie that I had left my passport at home. She reacted in such a
beautiful and loving way. She didn''t lecture me on being more responsible. Instead she
laughed and said, "Oh my goodness, john, you have such adventures. What are you going to
do? "
1 asked her to fax my passport to the Swedish consulate, and the problem was solved. She was
so cooperative. Never once did she succumb to lecturing me on being more prepared. She was
even proud of me for finding a solution to my problem.

MAKING LITTLE CHANGES​

One day 1 noticed that when my children asked me to do things I would always say "no
problem." It was my way of saying 1 would be happy to do that. My stepdaughter Julie asked
me one day, "Why do you always say ''no problem''?" 1 didn''t actually know right away. After a
while 1 realized that it was another of those deeply ingrained Martian habits. With this new
awareness 1 started saying "I would be happy to do that." This phrase expressed my implied
message and certainly felt more loving to my Venusian daughter.

NOW TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT BLAME​

A man commonly feels attacked and blamed by a woman''s feelings, especially when she is
upset and talks about problems. Because he doesn''t understand how we are different, he
doesn''t readily relate to her need to talk about all of her feelings.
He mistaken ly assumes she is telling him about her feelings because she thinks he is somehow
responsible or to be blamed. Because she is upset and she is talking to him, he assumes she is
upset with him. When she complains he hears blame. Many men don''t understand th e
(Venusian) need to share upset feelings with the people they love.
With practice and an awareness of our differences, women can learn how to express their
feelings without having them sound like blaming. To reassure a man that he is not being
blamed, when A woman expresses her feelings she could pause after a few minutes of sharing
and tell him how much she appreciates him for listening.
She could say some of the following comments:
õ? "I''m sure glad I can talk about it."
õ? "It sure feels good to talk about it."
õ? "I''m feeling so relieved that 1 can talk about this."
õ? "I''m sure glad 1 can complain about all this. It makes me feel so much better."
õ? "Well, now that I''ve talked about it, 1 feel much better. Thank you."
This simple change can make a world of difference.
In this same vein, as she describes her problems she can support him by appreciating the
things he has done to make her life easier and more fulfilling. For example, if she is
complaining about work, occasionally she could mention that it is so nice to have him in her
life to come home to; if she is complaining about the house, then she could mention that she
appreciates that he fixed the fence; or if she is complaining about finances, mention that she
really appreciates
how hard he works; or if she is complaining about the frustrations of being a parent, she could
mention that she is glad she has his help.

Sharing Responsibility​

Good communication requires participation on both sides. A man needs to work at
remembering that complaining about problems does not mean blaming and that when a
woman complains she is generally just letting go of her frustrations by talking about them. A
woman can work at letting him know that though she is complaining she also appreciates him.
For example, my wife just came in and asked how I was doing on this chapter. 1 said, "I''m
almost done. How was your day?"
She said, "Oh, there is so much to do. We hardly have any time together." The old me would
have become defensive and then reminded her of all the time we have spent together, or 1
would have told her how important it was to meet. my deadline. This would have just created
tension.
The new me, aware of our differences, understood she was looking for reassurance and
understanding and not justifications and explanations. I said, "You''re right, we have been
really busy. Sit down here on my lap, let me give you a hug. It''s been a long day."
She then said, "You feel really good." This was the appreciation I needed in order to be more
available to her. She then proceeded to complain more about her day and how exhausted she
was. After a few minutes she paused. 1 then offered to drop off the babysitter so she could relax
and me***ate before dinner.
She said, "Really, you''ll take the babysitter home? That would be great. Thank you!" Again she
gave me the appreciation and acceptance 1 needed to feel like a successful partner, even when
she was tired and exhausted.
Women don''t think of giving appreciation because they assume a man knows how much she
appreciates being heard. He doesn''t know. When she is talking about problems, he
needs to be reassured that he is still loved and appreciated.
Men feel frustrated by problems unless they are doing something to solve them. By
appreciating him, a woman can help him realize that just by listening he is also helping.
A woman does not have *****ppress her feelings or even change them *****pport her partner.
She does, however, need to express them in a way that doesn''t make him feel attacked, accused,
or blamed. Making a few small changes can make a big difference.

Four Magic Words of Support​

The four magic words *****pport a man are "It''s not your fault." When a woman is expressing
her upset feelings she can support a man by pausing occasionally to encourage him by saying "I
really appreciate your listening, and if this sounds as if I''m saying it''s your fault, that''s not
what 1 mean. It''s not your fault."
A woman can learn to be sensitive to her listener when she understands his tendency to start
feeling like a failure when he hears a lot of problems.
just the other day my sister called me and talked about a difficult experience that she was going
through. As 1 listened 1 kept remembering that *****pport my sister 1 didn''t have to give her
any solutions. She needed someone just to listen. After ten minutes of just listening and
occasionally saying things like "uh-huh," "oh," and "ready!" she then said, "Well, thank you,
john. I feel so much better."
It was much easier to hear her because I knew she was not blaming me. She was blaming
someone else. 1 find it more difficult when my wife is unhappy because it is easier for me to
feel blamed. However, when my wife encourages me to listen by appreciating me, it becomes
much easier to be a good listener.

What to Do When You Feel Like Blaming​

Reassuring a man that it is not his fault or that he is not being blamed works only as long as
she truly is not blaming him, disap
proving of him, or criticizing hirn. If she is attacking him, then she should share her feelings
with someone else. She should wait until she is more loving and centered to talk to him. She
could share her resentful feelings with someone she is not upset with, who will be able to give
her the support she needs. Then when she feels more loving and forgiving she can successfully
approach him to share her feelings. In chapter 11 we will explore in greater detail how to
communicate difficult feelings.

Now to Listen Without Blaming​

A man often blames a woman for being blaming when she is innocently talking about
problems. This is very destructive to the relationship because it blocks communication.
Imagine a woman saying "All we ever do is work, work, work. We don''t have any fun anymore.
You are so serious." A man could very easily feel she is blaming him.
If he feels blamed, I suggest he not blame back and say "I feel like you are blaming me."
Instead 1 suggest saying "It is difficult to hear you say I am so serious. Are you saying it is all
my fault that we don''t have more fun?"
Or he could say "It hurts when I hear you say I am so serious and we don''t have any fun. Are
you saying that it is all my fault?"
In ad***ion, to improve the communication he can give her a way out. He could say "It feels like
you are saying it is all my fault that we work so much. Is that true?"
Or he could say "When you say we don''t have any fun and that 1 am so serious, 1 feel like you
are saying it is all my fault. Are you?"
All of these responses are respectful and give her a chance to take back any blame that he might
have felt. When she says "Oh, no, I''m not saying it''s all your fault" he will probably feel
somewhat relieved.
Another approach that 1 find most helpful is to remember that she always has a right to be
upset and that once she gets it out, she
will feel much better. This awareness allows me to relax and remember that if 1 can listen
without taking it personally, then when she needs to complain she will be so appreciative of
me. Even if she was blaming me, she will not hold on to it.

The An of Listening​

As a man learns to listen and interpret a woman''s feelings correctly, communication becomes
easier. As with any art, listening requires practice. Each day when I get home, 1 will generally
seek out Bonnie and ask her about her day, thus practicing this art of listening.
If she is upset or has had a stressful day, at first I will feel that she is saying I am somehow
responsible and thus to blame. My greatest challenge is to not take it personally, to not
misunderstand her. 1 do this by constantly reminding myself that we speak different
languages. As 1 continue to ask "What else happened?" I find that there are many other things
bothering her. Gradually I start to see that 1 am not solely responsible for her upset. After a
while, when she begins to appreciate me for listening, then, even if I was partially responsible
for her discomfort, she becomes very grateful, accepting, and loving.
Although listening is an important skill to practice, some days a man is too sensitive or stressed
to translate the intended meaning of her phrases. At such times he should not even attempt to
listen. Instead he could kindly say "This isn''t a good time for me. Let''s talk later."
Sometimes a man doesn''t realize that he can''t listen until she begins talking. If he becomes
very frustrated, while listening he should not try to continue-he''ll just become increasingly
upset. That does not serve him or her. Instead, the respectful thing to say is "I really want to
hear what you are saving, but right now it is very difficult for me to listen. I think 1 need some
time to think about what you have just said."
As Bonnie and 1 have learned to communicate in a way that respects our differences and
understand each other''s needs, our marriage has become so much easier. I have witnessed this
same trans
formation in thousands of individuals and couples. Relationships thrive when communication
reflects a ready acceptance and respect of people''s innate differences.
When misunderstandings arise, remember that we speak different languages; take the time
necessary to translate what your partner really means or wants to say. This definitely takes practice, but it is well worth it.

A Success Story​

Once, on a trip to Sweden to teach my relationship seminar, 1 called back to California from
New York, informing Bonnie that I had left my passport at home. She reacted in such a
beautiful and loving way. She didn''t lecture me on being more responsible. Instead she
laughed and said, "Oh my goodness, john, you have such adventures. What are you going to
do? "
1 asked her to fax my passport to the Swedish consulate, and the problem was solved. She was
so cooperative. Never once did she succumb to lecturing me on being more prepared. She was
even proud of me for finding a solution to my problem.

MAKING LITTLE CHANGES​

One day 1 noticed that when my children asked me to do things I would always say "no
problem." It was my way of saying 1 would be happy to do that. My stepdaughter Julie asked
me one day, "Why do you always say ''no problem''?" 1 didn''t actually know right away. After a
while 1 realized that it was another of those deeply ingrained Martian habits. With this new
awareness 1 started saying "I would be happy to do that." This phrase expressed my implied
message and certainly felt more loving to my Venusian daughter.

NOW TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT BLAME​

A man commonly feels attacked and blamed by a woman''s feelings, especially when she is
upset and talks about problems. Because he doesn''t understand how we are different, he
doesn''t readily relate to her need to talk about all of her feelings.
He mistaken ly assumes she is telling him about her feelings because she thinks he is somehow
responsible or to be blamed. Because she is upset and she is talking to him, he assumes she is
upset with him. When she complains he hears blame. Many men don''t understand th e
(Venusian) need to share upset feelings with the people they love.
With practice and an awareness of our differences, women can learn how to express their
feelings without having them sound like blaming. To reassure a man that he is not being
blamed, when A woman expresses her feelings she could pause after a few minutes of sharing
and tell him how much she appreciates him for listening.
She could say some of the following comments:
õ? "I''m sure glad I can talk about it."
õ? "It sure feels good to talk about it."
õ? "I''m feeling so relieved that 1 can talk about this."
õ? "I''m sure glad 1 can complain about all this. It makes me feel so much better."
õ? "Well, now that I''ve talked about it, 1 feel much better. Thank you."
This simple change can make a world of difference.
In this same vein, as she describes her problems she can support him by appreciating the
things he has done to make her life easier and more fulfilling. For example, if she is
complaining about work, occasionally she could mention that it is so nice to have him in her
life to come home to; if she is complaining about the house, then she could mention that she
appreciates that he fixed the fence; or if she is complaining about finances, mention that she
really appreciates
how hard he works; or if she is complaining about the frustrations of being a parent, she could
mention that she is glad she has his help.

Sharing Responsibility​

Good communication requires participation on both sides. A man needs to work at
remembering that complaining about problems does not mean blaming and that when a
woman complains she is generally just letting go of her frustrations by talking about them. A
woman can work at letting him know that though she is complaining she also appreciates him.
For example, my wife just came in and asked how I was doing on this chapter. 1 said, "I''m
almost done. How was your day?"
She said, "Oh, there is so much to do. We hardly have any time together." The old me would
have become defensive and then reminded her of all the time we have spent together, or 1
would have told her how important it was to meet. my deadline. This would have just created
tension.
The new me, aware of our differences, understood she was looking for reassurance and
understanding and not justifications and explanations. I said, "You''re right, we have been
really busy. Sit down here on my lap, let me give you a hug. It''s been a long day."
She then said, "You feel really good." This was the appreciation I needed in order to be more
available to her. She then proceeded to complain more about her day and how exhausted she
was. After a few minutes she paused. 1 then offered to drop off the babysitter so she could relax
and me***ate before dinner.
She said, "Really, you''ll take the babysitter home? That would be great. Thank you!" Again she
gave me the appreciation and acceptance 1 needed to feel like a successful partner, even when
she was tired and exhausted.
Women don''t think of giving appreciation because they assume a man knows how much she
appreciates being heard. He doesn''t know. When she is talking about problems, he
needs to be reassured that he is still loved and appreciated.
Men feel frustrated by problems unless they are doing something to solve them. By
appreciating him, a woman can help him realize that just by listening he is also helping.
A woman does not have *****ppress her feelings or even change them *****pport her partner.
She does, however, need to express them in a way that doesn''t make him feel attacked, accused,
or blamed. Making a few small changes can make a big difference.

Four Magic Words of Support​

The four magic words *****pport a man are "It''s not your fault." When a woman is expressing
her upset feelings she can support a man by pausing occasionally to encourage him by saying "I
really appreciate your listening, and if this sounds as if I''m saying it''s your fault, that''s not
what 1 mean. It''s not your fault."
A woman can learn to be sensitive to her listener when she understands his tendency to start
feeling like a failure when he hears a lot of problems.
just the other day my sister called me and talked about a difficult experience that she was going
through. As 1 listened 1 kept remembering that *****pport my sister 1 didn''t have to give her
any solutions. She needed someone just to listen. After ten minutes of just listening and
occasionally saying things like "uh-huh," "oh," and "ready!" she then said, "Well, thank you,
john. I feel so much better."
It was much easier to hear her because I knew she was not blaming me. She was blaming
someone else. 1 find it more difficult when my wife is unhappy because it is easier for me to
feel blamed. However, when my wife encourages me to listen by appreciating me, it becomes
much easier to be a good listener.

What to Do When You Feel Like Blaming​

Reassuring a man that it is not his fault or that he is not being blamed works only as long as
she truly is not blaming him, disap
proving of him, or criticizing hirn. If she is attacking him, then she should share her feelings
with someone else. She should wait until she is more loving and centered to talk to him. She
could share her resentful feelings with someone she is not upset with, who will be able to give
her the support she needs. Then when she feels more loving and forgiving she can successfully
approach him to share her feelings. In chapter 11 we will explore in greater detail how to
communicate difficult feelings.

Now to Listen Without Blaming​

A man often blames a woman for being blaming when she is innocently talking about
problems. This is very destructive to the relationship because it blocks communication.
Imagine a woman saying "All we ever do is work, work, work. We don''t have any fun anymore.
You are so serious." A man could very easily feel she is blaming him.
If he feels blamed, I suggest he not blame back and say "I feel like you are blaming me."
Instead 1 suggest saying "It is difficult to hear you say I am so serious. Are you saying it is all
my fault that we don''t have more fun?"
Or he could say "It hurts when I hear you say I am so serious and we don''t have any fun. Are
you saying that it is all my fault?"
In ad***ion, to improve the communication he can give her a way out. He could say "It feels like
you are saying it is all my fault that we work so much. Is that true?"
Or he could say "When you say we don''t have any fun and that 1 am so serious, 1 feel like you
are saying it is all my fault. Are you?"
All of these responses are respectful and give her a chance to take back any blame that he might
have felt. When she says "Oh, no, I''m not saying it''s all your fault" he will probably feel
somewhat relieved.
Another approach that 1 find most helpful is to remember that she always has a right to be
upset and that once she gets it out, she
will feel much better. This awareness allows me to relax and remember that if 1 can listen
without taking it personally, then when she needs to complain she will be so appreciative of
me. Even if she was blaming me, she will not hold on to it.

The An of Listening​

As a man learns to listen and interpret a woman''s feelings correctly, communication becomes
easier. As with any art, listening requires practice. Each day when I get home, 1 will generally
seek out Bonnie and ask her about her day, thus practicing this art of listening.
If she is upset or has had a stressful day, at first I will feel that she is saying I am somehow
responsible and thus to blame. My greatest challenge is to not take it personally, to not
misunderstand her. 1 do this by constantly reminding myself that we speak different
languages. As 1 continue to ask "What else happened?" I find that there are many other things
bothering her. Gradually I start to see that 1 am not solely responsible for her upset. After a
while, when she begins to appreciate me for listening, then, even if I was partially responsible
for her discomfort, she becomes very grateful, accepting, and loving.
Although listening is an important skill to practice, some days a man is too sensitive or stressed
to translate the intended meaning of her phrases. At such times he should not even attempt to
listen. Instead he could kindly say "This isn''t a good time for me. Let''s talk later."
Sometimes a man doesn''t realize that he can''t listen until she begins talking. If he becomes
very frustrated, while listening he should not try to continue-he''ll just become increasingly
upset. That does not serve him or her. Instead, the respectful thing to say is "I really want to
hear what you are saving, but right now it is very difficult for me to listen. I think 1 need some
time to think about what you have just said."
As Bonnie and 1 have learned to communicate in a way that respects our differences and
understand each other''s needs, our marriage has become so much easier. I have witnessed this
same trans
formation in thousands of individuals and couples. Relationships thrive when communication
reflects a ready acceptance and respect of people''s innate differences.
When misunderstandings arise, remember that we speak different languages; take the time
necessary to translate what your partner really means or wants to say. This definitely takes practice, but it is well worth it.

Chapter 6​

Men Are
Like Rubber Bands
Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come
springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle.
This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again.
Most women are surprised to realize that even when a man loves a woman, periodically he
needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is
not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle.
Women misinterpret a man''s pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different
reasons. She pulls back when she doesn''t trust him to understand her feelings, when she has
been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and
disappointed her.
Certainly a man may pull away for the same reasons, but he will also pull away even if she has
done nothing wrong. He may love and trust her; and then suddenly he begins to pull away.
Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own.
A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully
stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then
suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. Automatically he will he more
motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs. When a man springs back, he picks up
the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesn''t feel
any need for a period of getting reacquainted again.

WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN​

If understood, this male intimacy cycle enriches a relationship, but because it is misunderstood
it creates unnecessary problems. Let''s explore an example.
Maggie was distressed, anxious, and confused. She and her boyfriend, jeff, had been dating for
six months. Everything had been so romantic. Then without any apparent reason he began to
distance himself emotionally. Maggie could not understand why he had suddenly pulled away.
She told me, "One minute he was so attentive, and then the next he didn''t even want to talk to
me. 1 have tried everything to get him back but it only seems to make matters worse. He seems
so distant. 1 don''t know what I did wrong. Am 1 so awful?"
When jeff pulled away, Maggie took it personally. This is a common reaction. She thought she
had done something wrong and blamed herself. She wanted to make things "right again," but
the more she tried to get close to Jeff the more he pulled away.
After taking my seminar Maggie was so relieved. Her anxiety and confusion immediately
disappeared. Most important, she stopped blaming herself. She realized that when Jeff pulled
away it was not her fault. In ad***ion she learned why he was pulling away and how gracefully
to deal with it. Months later at another seminar, Jeff thanked me for what Maggie had learned.
He told me they were now engaged to be married. Maggie had discovered a secret that few
women know about men.
Maggie realized that when she was trying to get close while Jeff was trying to pull away, she
was actually preventing him from stretching his full distance and then springing back. By
running after him, she was preventing him from ever feeling that he needed her and wanted to
be with her. She realized that she had done this in every relationship. Unknowingly she had
obstructed an important cycle. By trying to maintain intimacy she had prevented it.

Now a Man Is Suddenly Transformed​

If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong
desire to be dose. It is essential for women to understand that if they insist on continuous
intimacy or "run after" their intimate male partner when he pulls away, then he will almost
always be trying to escape and distance himself; he will never get a chance to feel his own
passionate longing for love.
In my seminars I demonstrate this with a big rubber band. Imagine that you are holding a
rubber band. Now begin stretching your rubber band by pulling it to your right. This particular
rubber band can stretch twelve inches. When the rubber band is stretched twelve inches there
is nowhere left to go but back. And when it returns it has a lot of power and spring.
Likewise, when a man has stretched away his full distance, he will return with a lot of power
and spring. Once he pulls away to his limit, he begins to go through a transformation. Flis
whole attitude begins to shift. This man who did not seem to care about or be interested in his
partner (while he was pulling away) suddenly cannot live
without her. He is now feeling again his need for intimacy. His power is back because his
desire to love and be loved have been reawakened.
This is generally puzzling for a woman because in her experience if she has pulled away,
becoming intimate again reqw''res a period of reacquaintance. If she doesn''t understand that
men are different in this way, she may have a tendency to mistrust his sudden desire for
intimacy and push him away.
Men also need to understand this difference. When a man springs back, before a woman can
open up again to him she generally wants and needs time and conversation to reconnect. This
transition can be more graceful if a man understands a woman may need more time to regain
the same level of intimacy-especially if she felt hurt when he pulled away. Without this
understanding of differences, a man may become impatient because he is suddenly available to
pick up the intimacy at whatever level of intensity it was when he pulled away and she is not.

Why Men Pull Away​

Men begin to feel their need for autonomy and independence after they have fulfilled their
need for intimacy. Automatically when he begins to pull away, she begins to panic. What she
doesn''t realize is that when he pulls away and fulfills his need for autonomy then suddenly he
will want to be intimate again. A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and
autonomy.
For example, in the beginning of his relationship Jeff was strong and full of desire. His rubber
band was fully stretched. He wanted to impress her, fulfill her, please her, and get close to her.
As he succeeded she also wanted to get closer. As she opened her heart to him he got closer and
closer. When they achieved intimacy he felt won
derful. But after a brief period a change took place.
Imagine what happens to the rubber band. The rubber band becomes limp. Its power and
stretch are gone. There is no longer any movement. This is exactly what happens to a man''s
desire to get close after intimacy has been achieved.
Even though this closeness is fulfilling to a man, he will inevitably begin to go through an
inner shift. He will begin to feel the urge to pull away. Having temporarily fulfilled his hunger
for intimacy, he now feels his hunger to be independent, to be on his own. Enough of this
needing another person. He may feel he has become too dependent or may not know why he
feels a need to pull away.

Why Women Panic​

As Jeff instinctively pulls away without any explanation to Maggie (or to himself), Maggie
reacts with fear. She panics and runs after him. She thinks she has done something wrong and
has turned him off. She imagines he is expecting her to reestablish intimacy. She is afraid he
will never come back.
To make matters worse, she feels powerless to get him back because she doesn''t know what she
did to turn him off. She doesn''t know that this is just a part of his intimacy cycle. When she
asks him what''s the matter, he doesn''t have a dear answer, and so he resists talking about it. He
just continues to distance her even more.

Why Men and Women Doubt Their Love​

Without an understanding of this cycle it is easy to see how men and women begin to doubt
their love. Without seeing how she was preventing Jeff from finding his passion, Maggie could
easily assume that Jeff didn''t love her. Without getting the chance to pull away, Jeff would lose
touch with his desire and passion to be close. He could easily assume that he no longer loved
Maggie.
After learning to let Jeff have his distance or "space," Maggie discovered that he did come back.
She practiced not running after
him when he would withdraw and trusted that everything was OK. Each time he did come
back.
As her trust in this process grew, it became easier for her not to panic. When he pulled away
she did not run after him or even think something was wrong. She accepted this part of Jeff.
The more she just accepted him at those times the sooner he would return. As Jeff began to
understand his changing feelings and needs, he became more confident in his love. He was
able to make a commitment. The secret of Maggie and Jeffs success was that they understood
and accepted that men are like rubber bands.

NOW WOMEN MISINTERPRET MEN​

Without an understanding of how men are like rubber bands, it Is very easy for women to
misinterpret a man''s reactions. A common confusion arises when she says "Let''s talk" and
immediately he emotionally distances himself. Right when she wants to open up and get
closer, he wants to pull away. Commonly I hear the complaint "Every time I want to talk, he
pulls away. 1 feel like he doesn''t care about me." She mistakenly concludes that he doesn''t ever
want to talk to her.
This rubber band analogy explains how a man may care very much about his partner but
suddenly pull away. When he pulls away it is not because he does not want to talk. Instead, he
needs some time alone; time to be with himself when he is not responsible for anyone else. It is
a time for him to take care of himself. When he returns then he is available to talk.
To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. By feeling her
needs, problems, wants, and emotions he may lose touch with his own sense of self. Pulling
away allows him to reestablish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feet
autonomous.
Some men, however, may describe this pulling away differently. To them it is just a feeling of
"I need some space" or "I need to be alone." Regardless of how it is described, when a man pulls
away, he is fulfilling a valid need to take care of himself for a while.
just as we do not decide to be hungry, a man does not decide to pull away. It is an instinctual
urge. He can only get so close, and then he begins to lose himself. At this point he begins to
feel his need for autonomy and begins to pull away. By understanding this process, women can
begin correctly to interpret this pulling away.

Chapter 6​

Men Are
Like Rubber Bands
Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come
springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle.
This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again.
Most women are surprised to realize that even when a man loves a woman, periodically he
needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is
not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle.
Women misinterpret a man''s pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different
reasons. She pulls back when she doesn''t trust him to understand her feelings, when she has
been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and
disappointed her.
Certainly a man may pull away for the same reasons, but he will also pull away even if she has
done nothing wrong. He may love and trust her; and then suddenly he begins to pull away.
Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own.
A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully
stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then
suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. Automatically he will he more
motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs. When a man springs back, he picks up
the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesn''t feel
any need for a period of getting reacquainted again.

WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN​

If understood, this male intimacy cycle enriches a relationship, but because it is misunderstood
it creates unnecessary problems. Let''s explore an example.
Maggie was distressed, anxious, and confused. She and her boyfriend, jeff, had been dating for
six months. Everything had been so romantic. Then without any apparent reason he began to
distance himself emotionally. Maggie could not understand why he had suddenly pulled away.
She told me, "One minute he was so attentive, and then the next he didn''t even want to talk to
me. 1 have tried everything to get him back but it only seems to make matters worse. He seems
so distant. 1 don''t know what I did wrong. Am 1 so awful?"
When jeff pulled away, Maggie took it personally. This is a common reaction. She thought she
had done something wrong and blamed herself. She wanted to make things "right again," but
the more she tried to get close to Jeff the more he pulled away.
After taking my seminar Maggie was so relieved. Her anxiety and confusion immediately
disappeared. Most important, she stopped blaming herself. She realized that when Jeff pulled
away it was not her fault. In ad***ion she learned why he was pulling away and how gracefully
to deal with it. Months later at another seminar, Jeff thanked me for what Maggie had learned.
He told me they were now engaged to be married. Maggie had discovered a secret that few
women know about men.
Maggie realized that when she was trying to get close while Jeff was trying to pull away, she
was actually preventing him from stretching his full distance and then springing back. By
running after him, she was preventing him from ever feeling that he needed her and wanted to
be with her. She realized that she had done this in every relationship. Unknowingly she had
obstructed an important cycle. By trying to maintain intimacy she had prevented it.

Now a Man Is Suddenly Transformed​

If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong
desire to be dose. It is essential for women to understand that if they insist on continuous
intimacy or "run after" their intimate male partner when he pulls away, then he will almost
always be trying to escape and distance himself; he will never get a chance to feel his own
passionate longing for love.
In my seminars I demonstrate this with a big rubber band. Imagine that you are holding a
rubber band. Now begin stretching your rubber band by pulling it to your right. This particular
rubber band can stretch twelve inches. When the rubber band is stretched twelve inches there
is nowhere left to go but back. And when it returns it has a lot of power and spring.
Likewise, when a man has stretched away his full distance, he will return with a lot of power
and spring. Once he pulls away to his limit, he begins to go through a transformation. Flis
whole attitude begins to shift. This man who did not seem to care about or be interested in his
partner (while he was pulling away) suddenly cannot live
without her. He is now feeling again his need for intimacy. His power is back because his
desire to love and be loved have been reawakened.
This is generally puzzling for a woman because in her experience if she has pulled away,
becoming intimate again reqw''res a period of reacquaintance. If she doesn''t understand that
men are different in this way, she may have a tendency to mistrust his sudden desire for
intimacy and push him away.
Men also need to understand this difference. When a man springs back, before a woman can
open up again to him she generally wants and needs time and conversation to reconnect. This
transition can be more graceful if a man understands a woman may need more time to regain
the same level of intimacy-especially if she felt hurt when he pulled away. Without this
understanding of differences, a man may become impatient because he is suddenly available to
pick up the intimacy at whatever level of intensity it was when he pulled away and she is not.

Why Men Pull Away​

Men begin to feel their need for autonomy and independence after they have fulfilled their
need for intimacy. Automatically when he begins to pull away, she begins to panic. What she
doesn''t realize is that when he pulls away and fulfills his need for autonomy then suddenly he
will want to be intimate again. A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and
autonomy.
For example, in the beginning of his relationship Jeff was strong and full of desire. His rubber
band was fully stretched. He wanted to impress her, fulfill her, please her, and get close to her.
As he succeeded she also wanted to get closer. As she opened her heart to him he got closer and
closer. When they achieved intimacy he felt won
derful. But after a brief period a change took place.
Imagine what happens to the rubber band. The rubber band becomes limp. Its power and
stretch are gone. There is no longer any movement. This is exactly what happens to a man''s
desire to get close after intimacy has been achieved.
Even though this closeness is fulfilling to a man, he will inevitably begin to go through an
inner shift. He will begin to feel the urge to pull away. Having temporarily fulfilled his hunger
for intimacy, he now feels his hunger to be independent, to be on his own. Enough of this
needing another person. He may feel he has become too dependent or may not know why he
feels a need to pull away.

Why Women Panic​

As Jeff instinctively pulls away without any explanation to Maggie (or to himself), Maggie
reacts with fear. She panics and runs after him. She thinks she has done something wrong and
has turned him off. She imagines he is expecting her to reestablish intimacy. She is afraid he
will never come back.
To make matters worse, she feels powerless to get him back because she doesn''t know what she
did to turn him off. She doesn''t know that this is just a part of his intimacy cycle. When she
asks him what''s the matter, he doesn''t have a dear answer, and so he resists talking about it. He
just continues to distance her even more.

Why Men and Women Doubt Their Love​

Without an understanding of this cycle it is easy to see how men and women begin to doubt
their love. Without seeing how she was preventing Jeff from finding his passion, Maggie could
easily assume that Jeff didn''t love her. Without getting the chance to pull away, Jeff would lose
touch with his desire and passion to be close. He could easily assume that he no longer loved
Maggie.
After learning to let Jeff have his distance or "space," Maggie discovered that he did come back.
She practiced not running after
him when he would withdraw and trusted that everything was OK. Each time he did come
back.
As her trust in this process grew, it became easier for her not to panic. When he pulled away
she did not run after him or even think something was wrong. She accepted this part of Jeff.
The more she just accepted him at those times the sooner he would return. As Jeff began to
understand his changing feelings and needs, he became more confident in his love. He was
able to make a commitment. The secret of Maggie and Jeffs success was that they understood
and accepted that men are like rubber bands.

NOW WOMEN MISINTERPRET MEN​

Without an understanding of how men are like rubber bands, it Is very easy for women to
misinterpret a man''s reactions. A common confusion arises when she says "Let''s talk" and
immediately he emotionally distances himself. Right when she wants to open up and get
closer, he wants to pull away. Commonly I hear the complaint "Every time I want to talk, he
pulls away. 1 feel like he doesn''t care about me." She mistakenly concludes that he doesn''t ever
want to talk to her.
This rubber band analogy explains how a man may care very much about his partner but
suddenly pull away. When he pulls away it is not because he does not want to talk. Instead, he
needs some time alone; time to be with himself when he is not responsible for anyone else. It is
a time for him to take care of himself. When he returns then he is available to talk.
To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. By feeling her
needs, problems, wants, and emotions he may lose touch with his own sense of self. Pulling
away allows him to reestablish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feet
autonomous.
Some men, however, may describe this pulling away differently. To them it is just a feeling of
"I need some space" or "I need to be alone." Regardless of how it is described, when a man pulls
away, he is fulfilling a valid need to take care of himself for a while.
just as we do not decide to be hungry, a man does not decide to pull away. It is an instinctual
urge. He can only get so close, and then he begins to lose himself. At this point he begins to
feel his need for autonomy and begins to pull away. By understanding this process, women can
begin correctly to interpret this pulling away.

Why Men Pull Away When Women Get Close​

For many women, a man tends to pull away precisely at the time when she wants to talk and be
intimate. This occurs for two reasons.
1. A woman will unconsciously sense when a man is pulling away and precisely at those times
she will attempt to reestablish their intimate connection and say "Let''s talk." As he continues to
pull away, she mistakenly concludes that he doesn''t want to talk or that he doesn''t care for her.
2. When a woman opens up and shares deeper and more intimate feelings it may actually
trigger a man''s need to pull away. A man can only handle so much intimacy before his alarm
bells go off, saying it is time to find balance by pulling away. At the most intimate moments a
man may suddenly automatically switch to feeling his need for autonomy and pull away.
It is very confusing for a woman when a man pulls away because something she says or does
often triggers his departure. Generally when a woman starts to talk about thing with feeling a
man starts to feel this urge to pull away. This is because feelings draw men closer and create
intimacy, and when a man gets too dose he automatically pulls away.
It is not that he doesn''t want to hear her feelings. At another time in his intimacy cycle, when
he is needing to get close, the same feelings that could have triggered his departure will draw
him closer. It is not what she says that triggers his departure but when she says it.

WHEN TO TALK WITH A MAN​

When a man is pulling away is not the time to talk or try to get closer. Let him pull away. After
some time, he will return. He will appear loving and supportive and will act as though nothing
has happened. This is the time to talk.
At this golden time, when a man wants intimacy and is actually available to talk, women
generally don''t initiate conversations. This occurs for these three common reasons:
1. A woman is afraid to talk because the last time she wanted to talk he pulled away. She
mistakenly assumes that he doesn''t care and he doesn''t want to listen.
2. A woman is afraid the man is upset with her and she waits for him to initiate a conversation
about his feelings. She knows that if she were suddenly to pull away from him, before she
could reconnect she would need to talk about what happened. She waits for him to initiate a
conversation about what upset him. He, however, doesn''t need to talk about his upset feelings
because he is not upset.
3. A woman has so much to say that she doesn''t want to be rude and just begin talking. To be
polite, instead of talking about ber own thoughts and feelings she makes the mistake of asking
him questions about his feelings and thoughts. When he has nothing to say, she concludes he
doesn''t want to have a conversation with her.
With all of these incorrect beliefs about why a man is not talking, it is no wonder that women
are frustrated with men.

NOW TO GET A MAN TO TALK​

When a woman wants to talk or feels the need to get close, she should do the talking and not
expect a man to initiate the conversation. To initiate a conversation she needs to be the first to
begin sharing, even if her partner has little to say. As she appreciates him for listening,
gradually he will have more to say.
A man can be very open to having a conversation with a woman but at first have nothing to say.
What women don''t know about Martians is that they need to have a reason to talk. They don''t
talk just for the sake of sharing. But when a woman talks for a while, a man will start to open
up and share how he relates to what she has shared.
For example, if she talks about some of her difficulties during the day he may share some of the
difficulties of his day so that they can understand each other. If she talks about her feelings
about the kids, he may then talk about his feelings about the kids. As she opens up and he
doesn''t feel blamed or pressured, then he gradually begins to open up.

Now Wa~ Pressure Men to Talk​

A woman sharing her thoughts naturally motivates a man to talk. But when he feels a demand
is being made that he talk, his mind goes blank. He has nothing to say. Even if he has
something to say he will resist because he feels her demand.
It is hard for a man when a woman demands that he talk. She unknowingly turns him off by
interrogating him. Especially when he doesn''t feel the need to talk. A woman mistakenly
assumes that a man "needs to talk" and therefore "should." She forgets that he is from Mars and
doesn''t feel the need to talk as much.
She even feels that unless he talks, he doesn''t love hen To reject a man for not talking is to
ensure that he has nothing to say. A man
needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he will gradually open up. He does not feel
accepted when she wants him to talk more or resents him for pulling away.
A man who needs to pull away a lot before he can learn to share and open up will first need to
listen a lot. He needs to be appreciated for listening, then gradually he will say more.

Now to Initiate a Conversation with a Man​

The more a woman tries to get a man to talk the more he will resist. Directly trying to get him to
talk is not th e best approach, especially if he is stretching away. Instead of wondering how she
can get him to talk a better question might be "How can 1 achieve greater intimacy,
conversation, and communication with my partner?
If a woman feels the need for more talk in the relationship, and most women do, then she can
initiate more conversation but with a mature awareness that not only accepts but also expects
that sometimes he will be available and at other times he will instinctively pull away.
When he is available, instead of asking him twenty questions or demanding that he talk, she
could let him know that she appreciates him even if he just listens. In the beginning she should
even discourage him from talking.
For example, Maggie could say "jeff, would you listen to me for a while? I''ve had a hard day
and I want to talk about it. It will make me feel much better." After Maggie talked for a couple
of minutes then she could pause and say "I really appreciate when you listen to my feelings, it
means a lot to me." This appreciation encourages a man to listen more.
Without appreciation and encouragement, a man may lose interest because he feels as though
his "listening" is "doing nothing." He doesn''t realize how valuable his listening is to her. Most
women, however, instinctively know how important listening is. To expect a man to know this
without some training is to expect him to be like a woman. Fortunately, after being
appreciated for listening to a woman, a man does learn to respect the value of talking.

WHEN A MAN WON''T TALK​

Sandra and Larry had been married for twenty years. Sandra wanted a divorce and Larry
wanted to make things work.
She said, "How can he say he wants to stay married? He doesn''t love me. He doesn''t feel
anything. He walks away when I need him to talk. He is cold and heartless. For twenty years he
has withheld his feelings. 1 am not willing to forgive him. 1 will not stay in this marriage. 1 am
too tired of trying to get him to open up and share his feelings and be vulnerable."
Sandra didn''t know how she had contributed to their problems. She thought it was all her
husband''s fault. She thought she had done everything to promote intimacy, conversation, and
communication, and he had resisted her for twenty years.
After hearing about men and rubber bands in the seminar, she burst into tears of forgiveness
for her husband. She realized that "his" problem was "their" problem. She recognized how she
had contributed to their problem.
She said, "I remember in our first year of marriage 1 would open up, talk about my feelings,
and he would just walk away. 1 thought he didn''t love me. After that happened a few times, 1
gave up. 1 was not willing to be hurt again. I did not know that at another time he would be
able to listen to my feelings. 1 didn''t give him a chance. I stopped being vulnerable. 1 wanted
him to open up before I would."

One-sided Conversations​

Sandra''s conversations were generally one-sided. She would try to get him to talk first by
asking him a string of questions. Then, before
she could share what she wanted to talk about, she would become upset with his short answers.
When she finally did share her feelings, they were always the same. She was upset that he was
not open, loving, and sharing.
A one-sided conversation might go like this:
SANDRA: How was your day?
LARRY: OK.
SANDRA: What happened?
LARRY* The usual.
SANDRA: What do you feel like doing this weekend?
LARRY. I don''t care. What do you want to do?
SANDRA: Do you want to invite our friends over?
LARRY: ......................... I don''t know Do you know where the
TV schedule is?
SANDRA: (upset) Why don''t you talk to me?
~M (Stunned and silent.)
SANDRA: Do you love me?
LARRY. Of course I love you. I married you.
SANDRA: How could you love me? We never talk
anymore. How can you just sit there and
say nothing. Don''t you care?
At this point, Larry would get up and go for a walk. When he came back he would act as though
nothing had happened. Sandra would also act as though everything was fine, but inside she
would withdraw her love and warmth. On the surface she would try to be loving, but on the
inside her resentment increased. From time to time it would boil up and she would begin
another one-sided interrogation of her husband''s feelings. After twenty years of gathering
evidence that he did not love her, she was no longer willing to be deprived of intimacy.
Learning *****pport Each Other Without Having to Change
At the seminar Sandra said, "I have spent twenty years trying to get Larry to talk. 1 wanted him
to open up and be vulnerable. 1 didn''t realize that what I was missing was a man who would
support me in being open and vulnerable. That is what I really needed. I have shared more
intimate feelings with my husband this weekend than in twenty years. I feel so loved. This is
what I have been missing. I thought he had to change. Now 1 know nothing is wrong with him
or me. We just didn''t know how *****pport each other."
Sandra had always complained that Larry didn''t talk. She had convinced herself that his silence
made intimacy impossible. At the serninar she learned to share her feelings without expecting
or demanding Larry to reciprocate. Instead of rejecting his silence she learned to appreciate it.
It made him a better listener.
Larry learned the art of listening. He practiced listening without trying to fix her. It is much
more effective to teach a man to listen than to open up and be vulnerable. As he learns to list en
to someone he cares for and is appreciated in response, he gradually will open up and share
more automatically.
When a man feels appreciated for listening and he doesn''t feel rejected for not sharing more, he
will gradually begin to open up. When he feels as though he doesn''t have to talk more, then
naturally he will. But first he needs to feel accepted. If she is still frustrated by his silence she is
forgetting that men are from Mars!

Why Men Pull Away When Women Get Close​

For many women, a man tends to pull away precisely at the time when she wants to talk and be
intimate. This occurs for two reasons.
1. A woman will unconsciously sense when a man is pulling away and precisely at those times
she will attempt to reestablish their intimate connection and say "Let''s talk." As he continues to
pull away, she mistakenly concludes that he doesn''t want to talk or that he doesn''t care for her.
2. When a woman opens up and shares deeper and more intimate feelings it may actually
trigger a man''s need to pull away. A man can only handle so much intimacy before his alarm
bells go off, saying it is time to find balance by pulling away. At the most intimate moments a
man may suddenly automatically switch to feeling his need for autonomy and pull away.
It is very confusing for a woman when a man pulls away because something she says or does
often triggers his departure. Generally when a woman starts to talk about thing with feeling a
man starts to feel this urge to pull away. This is because feelings draw men closer and create
intimacy, and when a man gets too dose he automatically pulls away.
It is not that he doesn''t want to hear her feelings. At another time in his intimacy cycle, when
he is needing to get close, the same feelings that could have triggered his departure will draw
him closer. It is not what she says that triggers his departure but when she says it.

WHEN TO TALK WITH A MAN​

When a man is pulling away is not the time to talk or try to get closer. Let him pull away. After
some time, he will return. He will appear loving and supportive and will act as though nothing
has happened. This is the time to talk.
At this golden time, when a man wants intimacy and is actually available to talk, women
generally don''t initiate conversations. This occurs for these three common reasons:
1. A woman is afraid to talk because the last time she wanted to talk he pulled away. She
mistakenly assumes that he doesn''t care and he doesn''t want to listen.
2. A woman is afraid the man is upset with her and she waits for him to initiate a conversation
about his feelings. She knows that if she were suddenly to pull away from him, before she
could reconnect she would need to talk about what happened. She waits for him to initiate a
conversation about what upset him. He, however, doesn''t need to talk about his upset feelings
because he is not upset.
3. A woman has so much to say that she doesn''t want to be rude and just begin talking. To be
polite, instead of talking about ber own thoughts and feelings she makes the mistake of asking
him questions about his feelings and thoughts. When he has nothing to say, she concludes he
doesn''t want to have a conversation with her.
With all of these incorrect beliefs about why a man is not talking, it is no wonder that women
are frustrated with men.

NOW TO GET A MAN TO TALK​

When a woman wants to talk or feels the need to get close, she should do the talking and not
expect a man to initiate the conversation. To initiate a conversation she needs to be the first to
begin sharing, even if her partner has little to say. As she appreciates him for listening,
gradually he will have more to say.
A man can be very open to having a conversation with a woman but at first have nothing to say.
What women don''t know about Martians is that they need to have a reason to talk. They don''t
talk just for the sake of sharing. But when a woman talks for a while, a man will start to open
up and share how he relates to what she has shared.
For example, if she talks about some of her difficulties during the day he may share some of the
difficulties of his day so that they can understand each other. If she talks about her feelings
about the kids, he may then talk about his feelings about the kids. As she opens up and he
doesn''t feel blamed or pressured, then he gradually begins to open up.

Now Wa~ Pressure Men to Talk​

A woman sharing her thoughts naturally motivates a man to talk. But when he feels a demand
is being made that he talk, his mind goes blank. He has nothing to say. Even if he has
something to say he will resist because he feels her demand.
It is hard for a man when a woman demands that he talk. She unknowingly turns him off by
interrogating him. Especially when he doesn''t feel the need to talk. A woman mistakenly
assumes that a man "needs to talk" and therefore "should." She forgets that he is from Mars and
doesn''t feel the need to talk as much.
She even feels that unless he talks, he doesn''t love hen To reject a man for not talking is to
ensure that he has nothing to say. A man
needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he will gradually open up. He does not feel
accepted when she wants him to talk more or resents him for pulling away.
A man who needs to pull away a lot before he can learn to share and open up will first need to
listen a lot. He needs to be appreciated for listening, then gradually he will say more.

Now to Initiate a Conversation with a Man​

The more a woman tries to get a man to talk the more he will resist. Directly trying to get him to
talk is not th e best approach, especially if he is stretching away. Instead of wondering how she
can get him to talk a better question might be "How can 1 achieve greater intimacy,
conversation, and communication with my partner?
If a woman feels the need for more talk in the relationship, and most women do, then she can
initiate more conversation but with a mature awareness that not only accepts but also expects
that sometimes he will be available and at other times he will instinctively pull away.
When he is available, instead of asking him twenty questions or demanding that he talk, she
could let him know that she appreciates him even if he just listens. In the beginning she should
even discourage him from talking.
For example, Maggie could say "jeff, would you listen to me for a while? I''ve had a hard day
and I want to talk about it. It will make me feel much better." After Maggie talked for a couple
of minutes then she could pause and say "I really appreciate when you listen to my feelings, it
means a lot to me." This appreciation encourages a man to listen more.
Without appreciation and encouragement, a man may lose interest because he feels as though
his "listening" is "doing nothing." He doesn''t realize how valuable his listening is to her. Most
women, however, instinctively know how important listening is. To expect a man to know this
without some training is to expect him to be like a woman. Fortunately, after being
appreciated for listening to a woman, a man does learn to respect the value of talking.

WHEN A MAN WON''T TALK​

Sandra and Larry had been married for twenty years. Sandra wanted a divorce and Larry
wanted to make things work.
She said, "How can he say he wants to stay married? He doesn''t love me. He doesn''t feel
anything. He walks away when I need him to talk. He is cold and heartless. For twenty years he
has withheld his feelings. 1 am not willing to forgive him. 1 will not stay in this marriage. 1 am
too tired of trying to get him to open up and share his feelings and be vulnerable."
Sandra didn''t know how she had contributed to their problems. She thought it was all her
husband''s fault. She thought she had done everything to promote intimacy, conversation, and
communication, and he had resisted her for twenty years.
After hearing about men and rubber bands in the seminar, she burst into tears of forgiveness
for her husband. She realized that "his" problem was "their" problem. She recognized how she
had contributed to their problem.
She said, "I remember in our first year of marriage 1 would open up, talk about my feelings,
and he would just walk away. 1 thought he didn''t love me. After that happened a few times, 1
gave up. 1 was not willing to be hurt again. I did not know that at another time he would be
able to listen to my feelings. 1 didn''t give him a chance. I stopped being vulnerable. 1 wanted
him to open up before I would."

One-sided Conversations​

Sandra''s conversations were generally one-sided. She would try to get him to talk first by
asking him a string of questions. Then, before
she could share what she wanted to talk about, she would become upset with his short answers.
When she finally did share her feelings, they were always the same. She was upset that he was
not open, loving, and sharing.
A one-sided conversation might go like this:
SANDRA: How was your day?
LARRY: OK.
SANDRA: What happened?
LARRY* The usual.
SANDRA: What do you feel like doing this weekend?
LARRY. I don''t care. What do you want to do?
SANDRA: Do you want to invite our friends over?
LARRY: ......................... I don''t know Do you know where the
TV schedule is?
SANDRA: (upset) Why don''t you talk to me?
~M (Stunned and silent.)
SANDRA: Do you love me?
LARRY. Of course I love you. I married you.
SANDRA: How could you love me? We never talk
anymore. How can you just sit there and
say nothing. Don''t you care?
At this point, Larry would get up and go for a walk. When he came back he would act as though
nothing had happened. Sandra would also act as though everything was fine, but inside she
would withdraw her love and warmth. On the surface she would try to be loving, but on the
inside her resentment increased. From time to time it would boil up and she would begin
another one-sided interrogation of her husband''s feelings. After twenty years of gathering
evidence that he did not love her, she was no longer willing to be deprived of intimacy.
Learning *****pport Each Other Without Having to Change
At the seminar Sandra said, "I have spent twenty years trying to get Larry to talk. 1 wanted him
to open up and be vulnerable. 1 didn''t realize that what I was missing was a man who would
support me in being open and vulnerable. That is what I really needed. I have shared more
intimate feelings with my husband this weekend than in twenty years. I feel so loved. This is
what I have been missing. I thought he had to change. Now 1 know nothing is wrong with him
or me. We just didn''t know how *****pport each other."
Sandra had always complained that Larry didn''t talk. She had convinced herself that his silence
made intimacy impossible. At the serninar she learned to share her feelings without expecting
or demanding Larry to reciprocate. Instead of rejecting his silence she learned to appreciate it.
It made him a better listener.
Larry learned the art of listening. He practiced listening without trying to fix her. It is much
more effective to teach a man to listen than to open up and be vulnerable. As he learns to list en
to someone he cares for and is appreciated in response, he gradually will open up and share
more automatically.
When a man feels appreciated for listening and he doesn''t feel rejected for not sharing more, he
will gradually begin to open up. When he feels as though he doesn''t have to talk more, then
naturally he will. But first he needs to feel accepted. If she is still frustrated by his silence she is
forgetting that men are from Mars!

WHEN A MAN DOESN''T PULL AWAY​

Lisa and Jim had been married for tw o years. They did everything together. They were never
apart. After a while, Jim became increasingly irritable, passive, moody, and temperamental.
In a private counseling session, Lisa told me, "He is no longer any fun to be with. 1 have tried
everything to cheer him up, but it doesn''t work. 1 want to do fun
things together, like going to restaurants, shopping, traveling, going to plays, parties, and
dancing, but he doesn''t. We never do anything anymore. We just watch TV, eat, sleep, and
work. 1 try to love him, but 1 am angry. He used to be so charming and romantic. Living with
him now is like living with a slug. 1 don''t know what to do. He just won''t budge!"
After learning about the male intimacy cycle-the rubber band theory-both Lisa and Jim realized
what had happened. They were spending too much time together. Jim and Lisa needed to
spend more time apart.
When a man gets too close and doesn''t pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness,
irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness. Jim had not learned how to pull away. He felt
guilty spending time alone. He thought he was supposed to share everything with his wife.
Lisa also thought they were supposed to do everything together. In counseling I asked Lisa
why she had spent so much time with Jim.
She said, "I was afraid he would get upset if I did anything fun without him. One time 1 went
shopping and he got really upset with me."
Jim said, "I remember that day. But I wasn''t upset with you. I was upset about losing some
money in a business deal. 1 actually remember that day because I remember noticing how good
I felt having the whole house to myself. 1 didn''t dare tell you that because 1 thought it would
hurt your feelings."
Lisa said, "I thought you didn''t want me to go out without you. You seemed so distant."

Becoming More Independent​

With this new awareness, Lisa got the permission she needed not to worry so much about Jim.
Jim pulling away actually helped her become more autonomous and independent. She started
taking better care of herself. As she started doing the things she wanted to do and
~g more Support from her girlfriends she was much happier,
She released her resentment toward Jim. She realized that she had been expecting too much
from him. Having beard about the rubber band she realized how she was contributing to their
problem. She realized that he needed more time to be alone. Her loving sacrifices were not only
preventing him from pulling away and then springing back but her dependent attitude was
also smothering him.
Lisa started doing fun things without Jim. She did some of the things that she had been
wanting to do. One night she went out to cat with some girlfriends. Another night she went to a
play. Anoth er night she went to a birthday bowling party.
Simple Mired%
What amazed her was how quickly their relationship changed. Jim became much more
attentive and interested in het Within a couple of weeks, Jim started to come back to his old
self again. He was wanting to do fun things with her and started planning dates. He got his
motivation back.
In counseling he said, "I feel so relieved. 1 feel loved ... when Lisa comes home she is happy to
see me. It feels so good to miss ber when she is gone. It feels good to ''feel'' again. 1 had almost
forgotten what it was like. Before it seemed like nothing 1 did was good
enough. Lisa was always trying to get me to do things, telling me what to do and asking me
questions."
Lisa said, "I realized 1 was blaming him for my unhappiness. As 1 took responsibility for my
happiness, 1 experienced that Jim was more energetic and alive. It''s like a miracle. "

OBSTRUCTING THE INTIMACY CYCLE​

There are two ways a woman may unknowingly obstruct her male partner''s natural intimacy
cycle. They are: (1) chasing him when he pulls away; and (2) punishing him for pulling away.
The following is a list of the most common ways a woman "chases a man" and prevents him
from pulling away:

CHASING BEHAVIORS​

1. Physical
When he pulls away, she physically follows hirn. He may walk into another room and she
follows. Or as in the example of Lisa and Jim, she does not do the things she wants to do so that
she can be with her partner.
2. Emotional
When he pulls away, she emotionally follows him. She worries about hirn. She wants to help
him feel better. She feels sorry for him. She smothers him with attention and praise.
Another way she may emotionally stop him from pulling away is to disapprove of his need to
be alone. Through disapproving she is also emotionally pulling him back.
Another approach is to look longingly or hurt when he pulls away. In this way she pleads for
his intimacy and he feels controlled.
3. Mental
She may try to pull hirn back mentally by asking him
g''It 1
ui -inducing questions such as "How could you treat me this way?" or "What''s wrong with
you?" or "Don''t you realize how much it hurts me when you pull away?"
Another way she may try to pull him back is to try to please hirn. She becomes overly
accommodating. She tries to be perfect so he would never have any reason to pull away. She
gives up her sense of self and tries to become what she thinks he wants.
She is afraid to rock the boat for fear that he might
pull away, and so she withholds her true feelings and avoids doing anything that may upset
him.
The second major way a woman may unknowingly interrupt a man''s intimacy cycle is to
punish him for pulling away. The following is a list of the most common ways a woman
"punishes a man" and prevents him from coming back and opening up to her:

PUNISHING BEHAVIORS​

1. Physical
When he begins to desire her again she rejects him. She pushes away his physical affection.
She may reject him ***ually She doesn''t allow him to touch her or be dose. She may hit him or
break things in order to show her displeasure.
When a man is punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of ever doing it again. This
fear may prevent him from pulling away in the future. His natural cycle is then broken. It may
also create an anger that blocks him from feeling his desire for intimacy He may not come back
when he has pulled away.
2. Emotional
When he returns, she is unhappy and she blames him. She does not forgive him for neglecting
her. There is nothing he can do to please her or make her happy. He feels incapable of fulfilling
her and gives up.
When he returns, she expresses her disapproval through words, tone of voice, and by looking at
her partner in a certain wounded way.
3. Mental
When he returns, she refuses to open up and share her feelings. She becomes cold and resents
him for not opening up and talking.
She stops trusting that he really cares and punishes him by not giving him a chance to listen
and be the "good" guy. When he happily returns to her, he is in the doghouse.
When a man feels punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of losing her love if he
pulls away. He begins to feel unworthy of her love if he pulls away. He may become afraid to
reach out for her love again because he feels unworthy; he assumes he will be rejected. This
fear of rejection prevents him from coming back from his journey into the ****.