Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - John Gray

WHEN A MAN DOESN''T PULL AWAY​

Lisa and Jim had been married for tw o years. They did everything together. They were never
apart. After a while, Jim became increasingly irritable, passive, moody, and temperamental.
In a private counseling session, Lisa told me, "He is no longer any fun to be with. 1 have tried
everything to cheer him up, but it doesn''t work. 1 want to do fun
things together, like going to restaurants, shopping, traveling, going to plays, parties, and
dancing, but he doesn''t. We never do anything anymore. We just watch TV, eat, sleep, and
work. 1 try to love him, but 1 am angry. He used to be so charming and romantic. Living with
him now is like living with a slug. 1 don''t know what to do. He just won''t budge!"
After learning about the male intimacy cycle-the rubber band theory-both Lisa and Jim realized
what had happened. They were spending too much time together. Jim and Lisa needed to
spend more time apart.
When a man gets too close and doesn''t pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness,
irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness. Jim had not learned how to pull away. He felt
guilty spending time alone. He thought he was supposed to share everything with his wife.
Lisa also thought they were supposed to do everything together. In counseling I asked Lisa
why she had spent so much time with Jim.
She said, "I was afraid he would get upset if I did anything fun without him. One time 1 went
shopping and he got really upset with me."
Jim said, "I remember that day. But I wasn''t upset with you. I was upset about losing some
money in a business deal. 1 actually remember that day because I remember noticing how good
I felt having the whole house to myself. 1 didn''t dare tell you that because 1 thought it would
hurt your feelings."
Lisa said, "I thought you didn''t want me to go out without you. You seemed so distant."

Becoming More Independent​

With this new awareness, Lisa got the permission she needed not to worry so much about Jim.
Jim pulling away actually helped her become more autonomous and independent. She started
taking better care of herself. As she started doing the things she wanted to do and
~g more Support from her girlfriends she was much happier,
She released her resentment toward Jim. She realized that she had been expecting too much
from him. Having beard about the rubber band she realized how she was contributing to their
problem. She realized that he needed more time to be alone. Her loving sacrifices were not only
preventing him from pulling away and then springing back but her dependent attitude was
also smothering him.
Lisa started doing fun things without Jim. She did some of the things that she had been
wanting to do. One night she went out to cat with some girlfriends. Another night she went to a
play. Anoth er night she went to a birthday bowling party.
Simple Mired%
What amazed her was how quickly their relationship changed. Jim became much more
attentive and interested in het Within a couple of weeks, Jim started to come back to his old
self again. He was wanting to do fun things with her and started planning dates. He got his
motivation back.
In counseling he said, "I feel so relieved. 1 feel loved ... when Lisa comes home she is happy to
see me. It feels so good to miss ber when she is gone. It feels good to ''feel'' again. 1 had almost
forgotten what it was like. Before it seemed like nothing 1 did was good
enough. Lisa was always trying to get me to do things, telling me what to do and asking me
questions."
Lisa said, "I realized 1 was blaming him for my unhappiness. As 1 took responsibility for my
happiness, 1 experienced that Jim was more energetic and alive. It''s like a miracle. "

OBSTRUCTING THE INTIMACY CYCLE​

There are two ways a woman may unknowingly obstruct her male partner''s natural intimacy
cycle. They are: (1) chasing him when he pulls away; and (2) punishing him for pulling away.
The following is a list of the most common ways a woman "chases a man" and prevents him
from pulling away:

CHASING BEHAVIORS​

1. Physical
When he pulls away, she physically follows hirn. He may walk into another room and she
follows. Or as in the example of Lisa and Jim, she does not do the things she wants to do so that
she can be with her partner.
2. Emotional
When he pulls away, she emotionally follows him. She worries about hirn. She wants to help
him feel better. She feels sorry for him. She smothers him with attention and praise.
Another way she may emotionally stop him from pulling away is to disapprove of his need to
be alone. Through disapproving she is also emotionally pulling him back.
Another approach is to look longingly or hurt when he pulls away. In this way she pleads for
his intimacy and he feels controlled.
3. Mental
She may try to pull hirn back mentally by asking him
g''It 1
ui -inducing questions such as "How could you treat me this way?" or "What''s wrong with
you?" or "Don''t you realize how much it hurts me when you pull away?"
Another way she may try to pull him back is to try to please hirn. She becomes overly
accommodating. She tries to be perfect so he would never have any reason to pull away. She
gives up her sense of self and tries to become what she thinks he wants.
She is afraid to rock the boat for fear that he might
pull away, and so she withholds her true feelings and avoids doing anything that may upset
him.
The second major way a woman may unknowingly interrupt a man''s intimacy cycle is to
punish him for pulling away. The following is a list of the most common ways a woman
"punishes a man" and prevents him from coming back and opening up to her:

PUNISHING BEHAVIORS​

1. Physical
When he begins to desire her again she rejects him. She pushes away his physical affection.
She may reject him ***ually She doesn''t allow him to touch her or be dose. She may hit him or
break things in order to show her displeasure.
When a man is punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of ever doing it again. This
fear may prevent him from pulling away in the future. His natural cycle is then broken. It may
also create an anger that blocks him from feeling his desire for intimacy He may not come back
when he has pulled away.
2. Emotional
When he returns, she is unhappy and she blames him. She does not forgive him for neglecting
her. There is nothing he can do to please her or make her happy. He feels incapable of fulfilling
her and gives up.
When he returns, she expresses her disapproval through words, tone of voice, and by looking at
her partner in a certain wounded way.
3. Mental
When he returns, she refuses to open up and share her feelings. She becomes cold and resents
him for not opening up and talking.
She stops trusting that he really cares and punishes him by not giving him a chance to listen
and be the "good" guy. When he happily returns to her, he is in the doghouse.
When a man feels punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of losing her love if he
pulls away. He begins to feel unworthy of her love if he pulls away. He may become afraid to
reach out for her love again because he feels unworthy; he assumes he will be rejected. This
fear of rejection prevents him from coming back from his journey into the ****.

NOW A MAN''S PAST MAY AFFECT HIS INTIMACY CYCLE​

This natural cycle in a man may already be obstructed from his childhood. He may be afraid to
pull away because he witnessed his mother''s disapproval of h''s father''s emotional distancing.
Such a man may not even know that he needs to pull away. He may unconsciously create
arguments to justify pulling away.
This kind of man naturally develops more of his feminine side but at the expense of
suppressing some of his masculine power. He is a sensitive man. He tries hard to please and be
loving but loses part of his masculine self in the process. He feels guilty pulling away. Without
knowing what has happened he loses his desire, power, and passion; he becomes passive or
overly dependent.
He may be afraid to be alone or to go into his ****. He may think he doesn''t like being alone
because deep inside he is afraid of losing love. He has already experienced ''n childhood his
mother rejecting his father or directly rejecting him.
While some men don''t know how to pull away, others don''t know how to get close. The macho
man has no problem pulling away. He just can''t come back and open up. Deep inside he may
be afraid he is unworthy of love. He is afraid of being close and caring a lot. He does not have a
picture of how welcomed he would be if he got closer. Both the sensitive male and the macho
male are missing a positive picture or experience of their natural intimacy cycle.
Understanding this male intimacy cycle is just as important for men as it is for women. Some
men feel guilty needing to spend time in their ****s or they may get confused when they start
to pull away and then later spring back. They may mistakenly think something is wrong, with
them. It is such a relief for both men and women to understand these secrets about men.

WISE MEN AND WOMEN​

Men generally don''t realize how their suddenly pulling away and then later returning affects
women. With this new insight about how women are affected by his intimacy cycle, a man can
recognize the importance of sincerely listening when a woman speaks. He understands and
respects her need to be reassured that he is interested in her and he does care. Whenever he is
not needing to pull away, the wise man takes the time to initiate conversation by asking his
female partner how she is feeling.
He grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he pulls away that he will be
back. He might say "I need some time to be alone and then we will have some special time
together with no distractions." Or if he starts to pull away while she is talking he might say "I
need some time to think about this and then we can talk again."
When he returns to talk, she might probe him to understand why he left. If he''s not sure, which
is many times the case, he might say "I''m not sure. 1 just needed some time to myself. But let''s
continue our conversation."
He is more aware that she needs to be heard and he needs to listen more when he is not pulling
away. In ad***ion, he knows that lis
telling helps him to become aware of what he wants to share in a conversation.
To initiate a conversation the wise woman learns not to demand that a man talk but asks that
he truly listen to her. As her emphasis changes, the pressure on him is released. She learns to
open up and share her feelings without demanding that he do the same.
She trusts that he will gradually open up more as he feels accepted and listens to her feelings.
She does not punish him or chase after him. She understands that sometimes her intimate
feelings trigger his need to pull away while at other times (when he is on his way back) he is
quite capable of hearing her intimate feelings. This wise woman does not give up. She
patiently and lovingly persists with a knowing that few women have.

NOW A MAN''S PAST MAY AFFECT HIS INTIMACY CYCLE​

This natural cycle in a man may already be obstructed from his childhood. He may be afraid to
pull away because he witnessed his mother''s disapproval of h''s father''s emotional distancing.
Such a man may not even know that he needs to pull away. He may unconsciously create
arguments to justify pulling away.
This kind of man naturally develops more of his feminine side but at the expense of
suppressing some of his masculine power. He is a sensitive man. He tries hard to please and be
loving but loses part of his masculine self in the process. He feels guilty pulling away. Without
knowing what has happened he loses his desire, power, and passion; he becomes passive or
overly dependent.
He may be afraid to be alone or to go into his ****. He may think he doesn''t like being alone
because deep inside he is afraid of losing love. He has already experienced ''n childhood his
mother rejecting his father or directly rejecting him.
While some men don''t know how to pull away, others don''t know how to get close. The macho
man has no problem pulling away. He just can''t come back and open up. Deep inside he may
be afraid he is unworthy of love. He is afraid of being close and caring a lot. He does not have a
picture of how welcomed he would be if he got closer. Both the sensitive male and the macho
male are missing a positive picture or experience of their natural intimacy cycle.
Understanding this male intimacy cycle is just as important for men as it is for women. Some
men feel guilty needing to spend time in their ****s or they may get confused when they start
to pull away and then later spring back. They may mistakenly think something is wrong, with
them. It is such a relief for both men and women to understand these secrets about men.

WISE MEN AND WOMEN​

Men generally don''t realize how their suddenly pulling away and then later returning affects
women. With this new insight about how women are affected by his intimacy cycle, a man can
recognize the importance of sincerely listening when a woman speaks. He understands and
respects her need to be reassured that he is interested in her and he does care. Whenever he is
not needing to pull away, the wise man takes the time to initiate conversation by asking his
female partner how she is feeling.
He grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he pulls away that he will be
back. He might say "I need some time to be alone and then we will have some special time
together with no distractions." Or if he starts to pull away while she is talking he might say "I
need some time to think about this and then we can talk again."
When he returns to talk, she might probe him to understand why he left. If he''s not sure, which
is many times the case, he might say "I''m not sure. 1 just needed some time to myself. But let''s
continue our conversation."
He is more aware that she needs to be heard and he needs to listen more when he is not pulling
away. In ad***ion, he knows that lis
telling helps him to become aware of what he wants to share in a conversation.
To initiate a conversation the wise woman learns not to demand that a man talk but asks that
he truly listen to her. As her emphasis changes, the pressure on him is released. She learns to
open up and share her feelings without demanding that he do the same.
She trusts that he will gradually open up more as he feels accepted and listens to her feelings.
She does not punish him or chase after him. She understands that sometimes her intimate
feelings trigger his need to pull away while at other times (when he is on his way back) he is
quite capable of hearing her intimate feelings. This wise woman does not give up. She
patiently and lovingly persists with a knowing that few women have.

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