Nhật ký tuổi 30

Tôi cũng 30 tuổi, thỉnh thoảng có vào đọc bài của các bạn thấy nhiều nét giống mình lắm...
Các bạn viết tiếp đi chứ, tại sao lại dừng lại?
Ainhận xét gì là quyền của người ta. mình cứ thoải mái viết những gì mình suy nghĩ...nhỉ?
Tôi trân trọng những gì các bạn gửi gắm lên đây, chỉ cảm nhận và chia sẻ, ko bàn luận.

Vài dòng của đứa trẻ con có bà chị gần 30t mà chưa thèm lấy chồng. Nhiều anh đẹp giai xin chết mà kiêu thế. Lại đi yêu anh ng dân tộc thiểu số vừa nhùn vừa xí trai vừa ngoại quốc, đc mỗi tốt tính và tháo vát. Cậu ơi, cậu lấy chồng đi, rùi có cháu cho tớ trông, tớ thấy máy đứa bạn chơi với cháu mà tớ xèm xèm wá. Cậu lấy chồng đi, 2 cậu về đây sống, gia đình 3 ng bùn lắm. Mí hnay bố đi chơi, có 2 mẹ con ở nhà, bt nhà đã rộng nay càng trống trải hơn . Lại nhớ mí ngày Tết ấy ở nhà. Bùn nhắm. Nhớ ấy nhắm!

Hah, this is an interesting new idea (see how much we got out of this virtual world with our invisible friends). Yes, why don?Tt we women date and mate as guys do, i.e., selecting their mates on the basis of beauty contests? Would be so much easier wouldn?Tt it? Looks are not elusive, you?Td know whô?Ts good-looking and whô?Ts not on the first day you see them. No more tossing and turning about whether the guy cares about you/family or whether he is a skirt-chaser, chauvinistic, dependable, protective, reliable, manly, generous, explorative, educated, worldly, kind-hearted, etc. etc. Men go by looks all the time; they are attracted to women who are visually appealing. And guys seem a happy enough lot. Certainly happier than us women (I haven?Tt done the counting, but us women should account for about 80% of the whining on this forum). Unfortunately, it seems that the only species which the females are known to go by look is the pea****; they ended up with flamboyant male ones and the modest-looking females. But that is the end of my understanding re pea****s?T society. I am not sure about its inner working, i.e., whether the good-looking males need to make sure therê?Ts enough food in the fridge and enough gas in the car and fix their wives?T motorbikes.
Anyhow, that?Ts irrelevant; I?Tm afraid it?Ts been already too late to re-train me. I am not interested in looks alone (though, that said, if I see a tall slim handsome guy (whô?Ts NOT wearing a ring) standing by himself at a reception, I may cross the room to talk to him).
Actually I don?Tt know what got to me today. Maybe it?Ts the first day back at work and I?Tve got the post-Tet blues. I should get out of here for some fresh air and get back to operating/writing in my reckless mode...
Được funtasia sửa chữa / chuyển vào 18:38 ngày 26/02/2007

Pen Friend once speculated that: one reason I was without a boyfriend for such a long time is because I was afraid of being with the wrong guy. At the time, I was bewildered: how on earth did he know that, having spoken to me only for a few hours and e-mailing for a few weeks at the time? But he was so right. I am always afraid of being stuck with the wrong guy. Perhaps because I am too indecisive and always hopeless at ending things when they don?Tt work. So the ?owrong guy? situation may be dragged on for too long to my liking. And perhaps because I?Tve seen enough of why and how certain things can?Tt work in a relationship, I am always afraid to step in one when I can see that those ?ocertain things that can?Tt work? are there from day one.
Then I realised, Pen Friend must have said that from his own experience. It?Ts been a while since his ?osituation? ended, and hê?Ts still not even gone on a date yet (or so he told me). It?Ts just natural that the older we get, the more difficult it is to find someone compatible, thus the easier it is to be stuck with the wrong guy/gal. People are a little like cement, easier to mix when they are young than when they have hardened into concrete. When we have become concrete, with fixed preferences, with our determination to rule out certain ?omix? due to our bad experience in the past, and with deeper insight of lifê?Ts inner working, well, it?Ts just extremely hard to find someone compatible (who by the way also has past experience, fixed preferences, and somehow that person has to manage to find us ?ocompatiblê?).
I have been hanging out with the Classmate for a while, and it gets a little tedious over time. Again, people (in real life) have been directing unsolicited questions and advice to me, invariably in the forms of ?oWhy are you no longer interested? What else could you possibly want?? I don''''t feel as though I need to tell them the real answer. Also, at first, I don?Tt exactly know the real answer. Now that I have sat down and taken a hard look at it, something jumps out at me: perhaps hê?Ts just too much like me. Perhaps hê?Ts not that special person. It?Ts easy to hang out, have fun, chitchat and laugh away. He can be sweet, and he can have this way of doing things that is touching. But, again, also in Pen Friend?Ts language, he does not make my heart skip a beat. Therê?Ts nothing that makes me think: hê?Ts the man! And lately I tend to be critical of him (silently), because of one thing he does or another, then realise how unreasonable I was, get a bit more relaxed, until the next thing comes.
I realise that that is not healthy. I should be with someone that makes me feel more upbeat and positive. I shouldn?Tt be with someone who I would be critical of. That?Ts easier said than done. But I suppose I need to do myself a favour and try to get out of this ?osituation?. Fast.
Được funtasia sửa chữa / chuyển vào 18:03 ngày 04/03/2007

Omg, itâ?Ts time-consuming to baby-sit two blogs at once. Imagine what itâ?Td be like to have two houses: a city place and a country house. Or to have two cars. Or to have Truong Gia Binhâ?Ts fortune...
Work is in such a stressful phase. Itâ?Ts a bit late in the game for me to know that â?oconsultantâ? is a fancy name for â?oeffigyâ?, or â?opigletâ?. Whenever something goes wrong, the â?osponsorsâ? would turn around and blame the consultant. When something goes dead wrong, these same â?osponsorsâ?, who have studiously fattened the piglet and doused it in champagne for a year, would just slaughter it and tell their boss itâ?Ts the pigletâ?Ts fault the project hits the wall. And the piglet, being in heaven or hell, realises everyone has a mission in life. Its mission is to get fat and be slaughtered at the right time so that others can keep on living and bringing home the fat checks.
I don''t want to be the piglet anymore, in case I got slaughtered at some point by these same charming â?osponsorsâ?. For a long time my indecisiveness has prevented me from doing something about my work situation, but this time I hope I can do something about it. Where are these headhunters who were looking for fast typists who could also answer the phone on the first ring? Please feel free to PM me...

Gió có gì lạ mà mắt em vui thế?
Bài hát có gì lạ, em cười thật xinh
Nắng có gì lạ mỗi độ xuân sang
Giọng nói có gì lạ khiến em yêu đời?

The piglet phase has thankfully come to pass. Pen Friend and I talked about it in minute details, and he seemed to have persuaded me to have a different approach to it altogether (the gist of his message: it?Ts just a job, and you are otherwise good in what you do, don?Tt let it wear you down, and next time don?Tt allow people to slaughter you just so that they can escape unscathed). The (informal(!)) apologies from the sponsors and the advice from Pen Friend make me feel better about the whole situation, in general.
Needless to say, these days, my attention has been shifted to Pen Friend?Ts presence, entirely. My crush has come back. Maybe it is here to stay. Maybe it is something else, I don?Tt know. One thing I know though, is that I always enjoy hanging out with him, chatting with him about various serious and light-hearted issues. I like watching him taking photos, being excited with all the mundane everyday life things, haggling with taxi-motorbikers, and being butchered to pieces by tourist vendors. When hê?Ts not around, I constantly think about him. Again. It?Ts all too familiar, like that phase that happened when we first emailed, a few months ago. But this time, thoughts about him always bring a smile to my face (sometimes it?Ts hard *****ppress it) as I know that somewhere on his trail he is thinking about me while checking out the squid village or an orchid farm that I have told him about at one point or another. That said, I have no clue where (if at all) we would go from here. He will vanish in the next two weeks or so, to get back to where he came from. And I am keeping my expectations low. So now all I am concentrating on is enjoying the moment while it lasts...
Được funtasia sửa chữa / chuyển vào 19:26 ngày 29/03/2007

I have to write about what happened in the last few days to get it out of my system, but it seems as though I can?Tt express what I am feeling. I suppose at a basic level, I am feeling a little sad and hopeful combined. More than ever, I understand clearly that things can?Tt be rushed, that Pen Friend needs some time to figure things out, re his work situation, what he wants to do where and with whom, and perhaps time to heal/recover from the last breakup. I also understand that hê?Ts interested, that hê?Ts taking it slow, taking the time to get to know me better, taking stock of who I am, what I have to say, my preferences and my way of thinking, etc. etc. I understand all the reassurances and nuances, that hê?Td have to come back here many times to do x, y, z, that hê?Td like to see my photos from the last trip when we first met some time, that the time we hang out together these days is the best hê?Ts had in months, etc. etc. He went so far as to claim that I understood him better than any shrink could ever possibly do. I suppose I understand the easy bits, where his thinking comes from, why it bothers him to have to choose between two things that are equally important to him. I have been there before, agonising over the conflicting wants, for months. And I know noone can help him out of that. He has to figure it out on his own, in due time.
I also understand, being the perfectionist that he is, he wants to be 100% sure that things would work before he gets into something (I used to be pretty much like that, although in the last few years, thanks ***** Phu?Ts influence, I have changed completely and have more often than not done things on the impulse of the moment). I also understand that his career and success is the most important thing in his mind, right now. Everything else takes a backseat to work commitment (and it has been more or less the case since he started working).
On the other hand, maybe, just maybe, all of this understanding points to the possibility that, all these lengthy discussions is just his polite way of saying ?othanks but no thanks?, ?olet?Ts become buddies/friends?. Which is not good enough for me. I know these days I feel all the more attached to him. The hopeful side of me is screaming for the status quo to be maintained in case it would change into something else more meaningful. But I know that if we maintain this status quo, no voice of reason would be strong enough to stop me from falling for him this time. So any more suspension is not good for my health.
The upshot is I am a little sad with this realisation. I am trying not to think about him, but that seems really hard...

It?Ts a little bit of a mixed blessing to be in this city again, working like mad every waking moment during the day so that I can make time to hang out with people I like, make time to get out of town, and have no obligation like picking my nieces up from school or picking up the dry cleaning. It feels like a mini vacation, in a strange way.
Yesterday I had dinner with the Geek, again. As usual, I can see the good side of people, in the worst of cases. I have realised, over time, that this is a type of guys that are usually attracted to me (I have little idea why!). They tend to be modest, gentle, generous, earnest, interesting, extremely sharp in their area of expertise but not others, soft-spoken and unassuming. I?Td love to know what they see in me (and approve) that others don?Tt.
It?Ts been a while since I met the Geek in person, and now I?Tve seen him twice in a few days. We had a pleasant time eating great food and chitchatting about all nonsense there is. But it?Ts no use. I feel hollow inside. I feel a void in my heart, and my mind keeps drifting elsewhere. When was the last time a guy does that to me? Certainly a very long time ago. But Pen Friend was cruel. He showed me how well we got on, how we understood each other without even having to say much, that we were long lost soul mates somehow. Then off he went his way, and after a week or so, he seemed to have had his change of heart, and reverted into his ?owê?Tre just friend? mode, telling me how X, Y, Z are adorable and why I should be considering them. At the same time, he hints at how he wants to take things forward, how he would love to see my stamp collection next time we meet, how hê?Td like me to take some time off to cook next time hê?Ts in town. No one confuses me more than he does. And I kept wanting to put his e-mails to the backburner, but still ended up answering them, one by one.
So I?Tve been thinking, it?Ts my own doing that these episodes were brought up on me, one after another. I couldn?Tt keep my expectations low. I allow people who come once or twice a year to lead me into a maze, disrupt my world, and make me neglect people like the Geek. And now I have to undo all the damages again.
When am I gonna learn to wise up? Probably never.

It?Ts a wonderful day outside. Summer is definitely around the corner, but the breezy wind is still with us. The air is neither wet nor steamy; it is pleasant, dry and cool. From this height I realise how green the city still is. And everyone either has gone home or is baking themselves onto red lobster colours along the coast. In any case the city is empty. It feels a bit like Tet time. It is nice.
From my current workstation I can see the sunset, and I?Tm enjoying it. Right now the huge orange balloon is slowly and peacefully descending down the rooftops of the buildings outside my window. It is a spectacular view. It reminds me of the story of the Petite Prince, how on his tiny planet, if he wants to see a sunset to feel happier, he can just move his chair, and how sometimes when he is in a gloomy mood, he would see it fifty times a day. Although, in the end, he still has to pack and leave his planet to find the solution to his problems as the sunset seems unable to put an end to all his miseries. I wonder where I could go to find a solution to my problems. I can?Tt leave this planet, obviously. But today I am in a good mood. I am telling myself I can settle for one sunset a day and figure it out from there. That should do for now.
Now I know why I usually see the Geek less than five times a year over the past few years: he is good in small doses. In the last few weeks, when I saw him a couple of times a week, he tends to bore me to sleep. So I was secretly relieved to see him leaving town on a business trip. That said, I am still thankful for having him around as a timely distraction to divert my thoughts away from Pen Friend. Of course I still think about Pen Friend a little more than I should, a little more than I''''d like to. But I hope (and trust) things will improve, sooner or later...
It?Ts definitely time to plan the summer...
Được funtasia sửa chữa / chuyển vào 23:25 ngày 02/05/2007